anyway... so what's been going thru my mind lately.... i don't know... i feel sad... i feel lonely actually.... for the first time since i was 18, i actually feel lonely...
City of LA... I just feel that well... i wasted my time here... Sure i have done some stuff that i never thought i'd do... but there's so much more... I just feel that i have not lived life to the fullest that i could have in my nearly 2 years here... And as my journey is drawing to a close, i want so much more, you know.... I mean, it's one thing to experience something, it's another thing to have connected to the places and people that you're in and that you meet. And i feel like i HAVE experienced but i sure as hell have not connected...
I do feel lonely, i wish i had done stuff over here that i would have never have done in Malaysia (yeah man, there are wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more cuter guys here than in malaysia ne... No offence to any of my guy friends, I still love u best)... But still... I just feel like i didn't try harder nor did i even try hard enough to be different, to have lived life differently and be someone different than i would have been in Malaysia u know...
And now as life draws to a close, i feel that i have not lived it well and i have not been all the things i could have been, and i just threw all the opportunities away.
And lets not even talk about opportunities because i have NOT taken what America offers. I had not found a publisher, i didn't even try for the music industry which i feel i still love, you know what i mean? I still wish i many ways i could do marketing for the music industry but yet.... I still didn't... and now with a useless degree in journalism and NO EXPERIENCE whatsoever in the music business, i can't do shit.... fuck i feel fucking shit and i didn't do enough to achieve whatever i could have had achieved... I actually did give up, u know... and THAT is not LIKE elaine at all! seriously........
I mean... i am a firm believer that life is what u make of it. And it is the way it is because of all the things you did and DIDN'T do, you know... And i don't believe i actually let life pass me by like that. And I actually gave up on the music industry even before i did all i could, which is SO VERY NOT ME. And now i regret because i DO want to do something with my life that has to do with music and i feel that i could have only achieved it if I DID go into the music industry over here....
MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN SHITE.
sooooooooooooooooooooo i have been feeling like crap lately, even fcking worse than i did last week when i got rejected................ mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn this feels crappishhhhhhh... wish life would look up brighter......... soon. *sigh* fck fck fck....... sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh mannnnnnnnnnnn SIGHHHHHHHH does not even begin to scratch the surface of how i feel mannnnnnn.......
anyway, i am gonan go watch some anime because i realize that some of my friends in my japanese class are damn good in their japanese prounciation because of the MULTITUDE of anime they consume everyday........... DAMN I AM LAGGING!!!!
here mme...
plus i had a shitty writing day at the news station today... usually the teacher won't correct my writing much, usually just 1 or two words or 1 sentence or none at all, but today, mannnnnnnnn entire paragraphs were crap....... *SIGHHHHHHHHHHHH* and as i say, SIGHHHHHHHH does not EVEN BEGIN TO SCRATCH THE SURFACE OF THIS CRAPPINESS I FEEL INSIDE. CRAP.
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