ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

That's melissa my friend. she looks awesome. she always does. damn cute and cool the same time. she loves hello kitty hehe.

I envy her, sigh. i wish i could be so perfect. i wish i could be so self assured.


elaine says:
u know why i so carefree??

elaine says:
heart break sooooooooooooooooo much liao that i told myself SOOOOOOOOOOO many self assuring things that i've come to belive all the bullshit i told myself

- James NNR-HQ - says:
mabbe not yet right time eh...

elaine says:
haih everyone always tell me that

elaine says:
but makes me blame God even more

elaine says:
or blame life

elaine says:
like "WHY SO LIKE DAT WAN??"

elaine says:
WTF, i 22, never had a guy like me before, never had a boyfriend some ppl by 22 got 22 boyfriends liao. WHAT THE HELL sighhhhhhhhhhhh.

elaine says:
i'm really sad lah

elaine says:
i got no one

elaine says:
i am feeling lonely

elaine says:
also feeling life life not going well

elaine says:
dun have direction, don't have goals, neither long term nor short term

elaine says:
dun feel like i can reach the long term dream either

elaine says:
sigh

elaine says:
i mean i guess the reason i used to be contented with not having a "boyfriend" was cause i had plan for my future i had all these ambition

elaine says:
these days i just have neither

Sigh........ SIGHHHHHHHHHHHH.... FEEL LIKE CRAP....... SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Anyway, here's a hyde pic AGAINNNNNN... Why??? Cause i have alot of them and........

a hyde pic a day keeps the blues away.

Isn't he just amazing?! *HAIH!!!!* *sighh* *sugoii ne~....!!!*

I guess i should post another post...

anyway... so what's been going thru my mind lately.... i don't know... i feel sad... i feel lonely actually.... for the first time since i was 18, i actually feel lonely...



City of LA... I just feel that well... i wasted my time here... Sure i have done some stuff that i never thought i'd do... but there's so much more... I just feel that i have not lived life to the fullest that i could have in my nearly 2 years here... And as my journey is drawing to a close, i want so much more, you know.... I mean, it's one thing to experience something, it's another thing to have connected to the places and people that you're in and that you meet. And i feel like i HAVE experienced but i sure as hell have not connected...

I do feel lonely, i wish i had done stuff over here that i would have never have done in Malaysia (yeah man, there are wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more cuter guys here than in malaysia ne... No offence to any of my guy friends, I still love u best)... But still... I just feel like i didn't try harder nor did i even try hard enough to be different, to have lived life differently and be someone different than i would have been in Malaysia u know...

And now as life draws to a close, i feel that i have not lived it well and i have not been all the things i could have been, and i just threw all the opportunities away.

And lets not even talk about opportunities because i have NOT taken what America offers. I had not found a publisher, i didn't even try for the music industry which i feel i still love, you know what i mean? I still wish i many ways i could do marketing for the music industry but yet.... I still didn't... and now with a useless degree in journalism and NO EXPERIENCE whatsoever in the music business, i can't do shit.... fuck i feel fucking shit and i didn't do enough to achieve whatever i could have had achieved... I actually did give up, u know... and THAT is not LIKE elaine at all! seriously........

I mean... i am a firm believer that life is what u make of it. And it is the way it is because of all the things you did and DIDN'T do, you know... And i don't believe i actually let life pass me by like that. And I actually gave up on the music industry even before i did all i could, which is SO VERY NOT ME. And now i regret because i DO want to do something with my life that has to do with music and i feel that i could have only achieved it if I DID go into the music industry over here....

MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN SHITE.

sooooooooooooooooooooo i have been feeling like crap lately, even fcking worse than i did last week when i got rejected................ mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn this feels crappishhhhhhh... wish life would look up brighter......... soon. *sigh* fck fck fck....... sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh mannnnnnnnnnnn SIGHHHHHHHH does not even begin to scratch the surface of how i feel mannnnnnn.......

anyway, i am gonan go watch some anime because i realize that some of my friends in my japanese class are damn good in their japanese prounciation because of the MULTITUDE of anime they consume everyday........... DAMN I AM LAGGING!!!!

here mme...



plus i had a shitty writing day at the news station today... usually the teacher won't correct my writing much, usually just 1 or two words or 1 sentence or none at all, but today, mannnnnnnnn entire paragraphs were crap....... *SIGHHHHHHHHHHHH* and as i say, SIGHHHHHHHH does not EVEN BEGIN TO SCRATCH THE SURFACE OF THIS CRAPPINESS I FEEL INSIDE. CRAP.

wuhuhuhuhuhuhuh.... added SHALLOW SLEEP by HAIDO-SAN! as my bg music! wuhuhuhuhuh... please wait for it to load! hehe....

Shallow Sleep is my favourite Hyde song!!!!!!!!! it's just AWESOME!!!!!!!! Actually now that i remember, this is THE song that got me hooked on Hyde... Yeap can u believe it, i actually liked his song first before his face! wuahahahaha... But yeah, i was looking for a L'arc song that Quang Lin wanted me to find for her, so i was looking at hyde pages and i came across one... Angel's Tale... and the dude had Shallow Sleep playing in the background and i was like DANG!!!!!!! WHAT IS THAT SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And i somehow managed to download the right one!!! hehehehehe......... instinctively knew it was shallow sleep ;) hehehehehe...
Anyway.... I'm gonna buy his special DVD when it comes out! hehehehe.... I hope u like the song (it's only gonna loop 5 times so dun worry).... Dat song makes me damn well respect Hyde as a musician who is WAYYYYYYYYYY more than just a pretty face. he's damn talented.... I can't read japanese nor understand it, but his lyrics are damn good aparently and also the poems that he write out of L'arc! yeahhhhhhh haido-san! u rock! hehehehe

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............ just downloaded Vindicated less than 12 hours and it has looped 66 times!!! hehehe.

I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself (so clear)

That's Vindicated by Dashboard.... too bad all his really good songs are damn short, like Hands Down. But anyways, Chris Caberra (sp) is a DAMN good writer. I love his lyrics cause it's damn simple but damn honest and well phrased.

Anyways...... TADDAHHH!! new layout... hehehehe.... i had complains with the last layout, so now it's changed... temporarily... I guess, or mabbe i'm gonna stick to this one for awhile... Hyde is always cute to look at anyway and there's a permanant hyde on this layout.... Plus erm, i like the colors too... But anyways. I think i'm also gonna permanantly put up the Ai no Uta song too cause alot of ppl like the song when the page loads... so that's cool! hehehe.

Ahhh haido-san... <3>

i'm sorry to those who want me to change the blog design.... i am in the process of doing so.... my new blog design is gonna be called:

"Shumi wa haido-san no shashin desu yo."

Yeap.... my hobby is well.... looking at Hyde pics. I probably got that sentence wrong but screw it. Anyways, i got some nice pics, but i also lost some nice pics. But i still have some nice pics. so they're all gonna be on there... Hyde overload? no i don't think so... Haido is soooo cute, there's no such thing as overload.... Plus, i can look at hyde's pic forever...... and still NOT get bored... he's REALLY REALLY REALLY cute DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hehehehehe...

anyways, i'm surprised i didn't get too depressed looking at Hyde pics, considering that erm, i do rememeber erm, the guy that shall not be named, whenever i look at hyde... But hyde still makes me smile... i wish i could find more cute pics of him.... hehehehe... damn i am not in japan to buy all those magazines cause erm... hehe, i would have! HE IS SOOOOOOO DAMN CUTE. *ohhh my heart!* actually *oh my eyes!*

neways.... erm... hyde is cute... as a prove... lemme show u at least 1 pic for now as a prelude... hehehe.... *addicted to hyde pics*

cute??? no??? YESSSSSSSSSSS OF COURSE! i actually DON'T like Hyde in his bleached hair phase I think it was during ROENTGEN phase... which is really wasted cause that's a damn great album... so messed up all the PV's cause for the first time, i dun like how hyde looks there at all.. But this pic is real nice in his bleached hair phase.... he looks different... if it's EVEN possible, he actually looks younger, like a boy... hehehe... cute ^^

which brings me to the point of: shumi wa haido-san no shashin desu yo! cause seriously, i was bored and my hobby was going to look for cute haido-san no shashin! hehehehe.

Anyways... my point to this blog actually is that i'm running out of sympathies.... If anyone's read to this far... thank you... i actually have something to talk about besides hyde.

Been thinking about love, not even love, but being with someone and stuff... Da thing is that, i didn't even tell Paul how i feel out of a lack or anything... i mean i don't think i am at the point where i feel empty that i feel i need someone. no i don't feel taht anymore... that was back when i was 16... This time... I just feel like i want to experience something new you know... It's not even about needing someone to love me so that i can feel of worth... that was back when i was 18... It's not even cause i feel that being loved is a great feeling... not even that...mabbe abit but not entirely like i was back when i was 16-20...
These days i just feel like it'd just be a fun thing you know... to be with someone. And the thing is that , whatever i said to Paul i meant it you know... I want to make him happy. I want to make someone happy. It's like i don't care you know.... I mean... I don't know what's wrong with me but shite, i just feel like MOTHERING someone, crap.... I don't know... i'm just like that these days....
Like, i mean i don't like Yoshi, tho he is quite cute, and damn physically well built (hehehe let him NEVER find this blog) but u know, i don't mind doing stuff for him... Sure i'll take him to meet my american host family (neh, like bring a 'boyfriend' 'home' je... except, he wasn't my boyfriend and neither was it home)... And he wanted to learn english more and so he wanted to watch the last ep of friends so i BT it for him and burnt it into a disc for him. Or like for Hiro, whom i will NOT touch for the sake of his girlfriend who is a very nice person, i mean, like we went for lunch the other day but he got something that he didn't like cause it turned out nasty not like he expected, so i exchanged my food with him so he won't have to suffer........ I DUNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I just wanna MOTHER ppl!!!!!!!! why?! damnnnnnnnnnnn. I wish satoshi was around, then i'd mother him. I mean damn i did use satoshi back in summer, but i damn well did some stuff for him too ya know.

Sigh...... why why why... NAZE KA???????????? sighhhhhhh

I dunno.......... and if for any reason why i should want to want someone, it's because of that, you know...... my wanting to just TAKE CARE OF SOMEBODY....... oh God please help me....... *sigh*

Mabbe i shud take Hiro's advice and ask Yoshi to introduce me to some of his friends berlambak banyak....

Well.... I did say to Yoshi "anata ga suki desu" but wuahahahahaha..... of course erm, didn't quite mean it *sigh*.... Cause i was telling Yoshi and his friend Shuhwei (sounded more chinese than japanese to me) but they were there and i was telling them how i got rejected and I showed Yoshi the "script" i wrote for what i said to the guy that shall not be named. And he was smiling and laughing and was like "oh mannnnnn..." reading it. And i was like "dun laugh at me!!! i'm still heartbroken u know!! I GOT REJECTEDDDD!!!".... and then Shuhwei was like "just forget him..." and i was like "i kenot... i still like him!!" then he said "don't worry. you don't need him. I love you... we love you."

ahh i wish, man, i really wish it was true...

So yeah that's it... damn long post again. but shite, i can go on forever drolling over how cute hyde is ne!


anyway.... here's a last thing for all of you who want to sell yourself short just to feel belonged, accepted, just like everybody else. for all of you who are considering of neglecting yourself and feel bad about yourself or put yourself down and think other people are better than you just because they seemingly conform and make it in the world, who are more popular than you are.
i say becareful for what you wish for because sometimes it may come back to you and be more than what you wish for (that's actually keith's line). But it's true.
Aya, if you're reading this, it's too late for me to change your mind but you're also an adult and friends' advice usally only got THAT far for us.... I mean if i had listened to advice, then i would never have told the guy whom shall not be named, that i liked him.
But really.... becareful what you're choosing in your life. because sometimes you might be trading for something less and selling yourself short....


so girls. don't go on sleeping with the next guy u see. don't go and just date that guy just cause you feel lonely. don't always think that this is as good as it gets because you really don't know. you might just be paving paradise to put up a parking lot.

what am i thinking about now: days away.

heh.

i was just reading back on the post on monday about the conversation i had with tim and keith... and i read the part "HE KNOWS MY NAME"... and i was thinking how surreal it's gonna be in like a year or two when i am back in Malaysia or somewhere and I am listening to Days Away's song Knows My Name and listening to keith sing "she knows my name" and realizing that you know.... the guy singing the song once actually knew my name... And it's even more surreal to think also that just 2 years ago.... he didn't know my name... and now he actually does... and i always joke around with him and "manja" him pretending to get offended that he's forgotten me... and Keith gets riled up by that and always say that of course he remembers me.... that's sweet to know ne....

anyway, i'm kinda sad cause shite, DA is having a headlining... and i repeat HEADLINING tour starting tomorrow and i am gonna be MISSING IT. what the heck. FAN ELAINE FAN, KONON JE LAH! crap.

so life goes on... as much as i don't feel like it.

it's scary i left my cellphone in the newsroom today....... IS THE NEWSROOM FAST BECOMING A SECOND HOME??? A HANG OUT PLACE?? ohhhhhhh the dread! But actually i am thinking of actually asking my teacher if i could become either the wire editor or the arts and entertainment editor next semester... i hope i can... good for my resume ne.

But i don't have any assignments at all today... that's odd. No new news assignment. hmm.

So yeah. that's life for now.

OH YEAH I AM REDESIGNING MY BLOG. This layout is becoming too boring, not like anyone even comes here anyway.

daijoubu ka. Iie, soo janai desu. damedata desu yo.

anata wa suki desu.

Well........

i at least i told him how i felt right? I guess all that i didn't like about it is that i was a little pushy towards the end. like i should have just given him a break instead of making him feel bad. But you could really hear him sweating it out trying his best to say no without saying no. and right after i got to the "anata ga suki desu" you could hear his reaction... all the way till "i wish i could make you happy... and make you smile" and then there was speechlessness... At that point i was just wondering how many time in his life has he been in this situation before.

I guess i was just sad for or loss for the fact that i can't make him happy, or that i wont have the chance to make him happy cause i really wanted to.... I mean it's not that i want to make myself happy to be able to be with him, but i wanted to make him happy and i'm just sad for the fact that i can't.

And the only fucked up shit abt the whole phonecall that i hated was that at the end, i was just being a real fucking bitch about it. I mean fuck you elaine, if he doesn't like you, you can't fucking force him to go out with you. You didn't have to go and fucking make him feel sad about it. And so. yeah i just hated the last part. that's all. cause he was already being real nice about it.

Anyways.........

AYA IS AWESOME. She sat by me through it all... and then she even offered to take me wherever i wanted to go... So she drove me to downtown LA... Been forever since i last saw LA and i love seeing LA because it reminds me of a dream come true and i shouldn't spit at God in the face.


Anyways........

And then, since i already did the ultimate and everytime i am depressed, things just don't seem to worry me.... So even though it was already 2am on the East Coast, i don't know why but i just felt like calling Tim from DAYS AWAY.... to tell him i just got rejected and i miss Days Away alot and it's shit i won't see them till November.... And well... I DID CALL. I hung up tho, after a few rings cause it WAS already 2am...

BUT THEN.........

HE ACTUALLY CALLED BACK!

And he was like "someone called me from this number?" and i was like "yeah. tim is that you?" and he was like "yeah, it's me" and i was like "hey! it's me, elaine," and he was like "yo! hi!! how have you been?" so then i said sorry for calling so late... then he said it's okay.... (I knew Tim would be cool about it, that's why i dared to call, otherwise i wouldn't have)... Then i started bitching to him about how i called a guy up and told him i liked him but got rejected... so i was depressed... and i also missed days away alot and is sad that i have to wait till november to see them. and he was like "what? so, you called a boy up and you got rejected?" and I was like "yeah.... So now i'm depressed"..... and then he asked "why the hell did he reject you?" and i told him why. And then he was like "you know what elaine? Fuck it. You don't need that motherfucker" hehehe... then he told me how i'm better off on my own. And i was like but I want to make someone happy. And he said "fuck that. You don't need that, and you know why?" and i was like "no. why?"... "cause you can make yourself happy and that's all that matters," then i told him i was still depressed. And he said "you want me to beat that mutherfucker up?" and i said "no, it's okay," then he told me "don't worry, the right boy will come along one day," and i said, "WHEN?! I've been waiting for 22 years!" and he said "waht? you've been waiting for me for two years?" and i said "NO!! I mean i've been waiting for TWENTY TWO years...." and he said "oh, twenty two years" and then i said "but if you want me to want you, sure! why the hell not!" hehehe then he laughed... then i think we talked abit abt their LA shows.... then he was like "wait, you want to talk to keith? He's here. He's lots of experience with stuff like these" and i was like "yeah sure." And so Tim went to get keith! heheheheehhe... I could hear Tim say "it's elaine"...... awwwwwwwe.... And then keith came on the phone!!! heehhehehehehehe...... SO HAPPY HE REMEMBERS ME.... hehehe HE KNOWS MY NAME!!!!!!!! So anyways Keith came on the phone and asked me what's up, so i bitched to him too and he was like its okay.... and then i bitched abt how i miss them and how i won't see them till November... And he told me don't worry it's near and said that they'll be there early november and end of november. Then he asked me where i was, i said on the 101. Then i said to him "Why aren't you here?!!! then you can make me feel better!" then he said "i'm there with you, i'm there with you." Then he said "i'll see you in November okay. That's a month's time." and i said "yeah, a little over a month," and then I said "don't forget me by then ok!" and he said "oh shuddup!" hehehehe.... then after that he said he had to leave and i said ok, and said "i miss you!!!" and he said "I missed you too."

So well........

At least i got to talk to days away...... although i guess keith was a little tired (maybbe??) cause he didn't sound like his usual self.... hehehe, he's cute when he's like his usual self.... very cute....

*sigh*

Well.... I guess Aya was right...... ne.. normally when a person is depressed, they'll just listen to their favourite band's song... I on the other hand, damn, called the band to bitched to them instead!

I guess that is good ne. Isn't it? shouldn't i be happy?


fuck...... actually what i mean is that fuck u and fuck u too. all i fucking want is to make you happy and if you want to go lament over some girl you can't have and who won't return your affection then fuck you and fuck u too, go die. go dig your own grave and bury yourself in it. cause fuck you i was willing to be with you despite knowing how you feel for the girl and i would have gone on being with you even if your heart belongs to the girl because all i wanted was so that you will be happy and all your bitching about wanting someone to be there for you, i wouldn't have mind. so fuck you and fuck you too and for all the rest of you who too who are motherfuckers as Tim had said. your own funeral. I may not be the best bet but fuck you, i would have been your fucking best bet because i would have fucking loved you unconditionally even if you never loved me back. So fuck you and fuck you do. Go choke and die in your own fucking misery i hope that when you're fucking sixty with tumors growing on your balls you would fucking remember me. and i would be fucking pissing on your grave or rolling in my own grave saying fuck you and fuck you too because i was your best bet and you fucking threw it all away you fucking fool go fuck yourself and i would have been happy knowing i got the fucking last laugh because i lived my life with no fucking regrets and did what i had to do, did what i can, did what i want and i didn't let fuckers like you old me back, because you only make things worse. so fuck you and fuck u too, may u ALL U MOTHERFUCKERS WHO FUCKING SPIT IN MY FUCKIGN FACE WHEN ALL I GAVE TO YOU WAS MY HEART MY ALL MY DEDICATION AND MY LOVE AND ALL YOU EVER DID WAS TAKE IT LIKE IT WAS WORTH NOTHING. FUCK YOU ALL. MAY YOU LIVE TO SIXTY WITH TUMORS GROWING ON YOUR BALLS WITH YOUR BALDING HEAD AND THE GIRM RIPPER KNOCKING AT YOUR DOOR. AND ALL I CAN SAY TO YOU AT THAT POINT IN TIME IS FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU TOO. FUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS! DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU FUCKING MISS THAT'S FUCKING WHAT. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

btw... if i you don't see me online, don't hear a word from me the next few days or don't reply your msgs, dat means i am fucking depressed and withdrawing from the world. will be back when i fucking want to.

well.... Been listening to Pieces of Me.... It's actually a really nice song... I like the lyrics alot... "I am moody and messy I get restless and it's senseless how you never seem to care. When I'm angry you listen... Ohhhh It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real I like the way that feels."

Well.... ok... so to this posts now.... erm... That's Hyde on the side dish.... Erm.... why hyde besides that he's damn cute... is also because this post is about Paul... I said like a week or more ago that i was gonna post up some pics of Hyde where Paul looks really REALLY, if not 100% like hyde.... Well this is the pic... Except mabbe the hair was longer.... So yeah... This is how Paul 99.99% looks like.... So now u know why, i dun seem to wanna let go of another losing end??? But anyways i hope this will be a last post i am gonna have about me whining over Paul cause soon.... i am gonna go tell him how i feel.... And how i feel is this....

So ne i am gonna call him and say.... "hello hello.... so hi, how have you been? still busy? anyways are u busy now? cause there's something i wanted to talk to u abt.... You know that time we went out, i know u probably don't remember. but i said like I won't change my personality for anyone... But u know, i've been thinking about relationships lately... and how i felt before with guys i liked... and i realized that, u know that's not really true. I mean. i don't think i can change completely, and i am a demanding girl! hehee... but u know, i realized that if i like a guy... i really just want to make him happy. And even if that means i'd have to compromise. i would. cause i want him to be happy. Like if he don't like something, i won't force him to do it even if i like it. or if he likes something that i don't... i won't mind it... cause i really just want him to be happy... Anyways..... So yeah... waht i wanted to say also is that... I know this might be stupid or frivilous, but u know... Anata ga suki desu (I like you).... I know u might think it's crazy or stupid cause i don't even know you..But u know... there are some things that i do really like about you... Like how you're impulsive, you know, that i REALLY REALLY like... and how i do think that you are a really nice guy at heart, or try to be... and well, i think you are cute... But anyways... my point is that.... I know i may not be your type.... and i know that i'm not hot or fit or cute, bascially, i'm not a to die for material... but you know... I really wish i could make you happy... cause i really want to."

So there... i am gonna tell that to him. Suicidal but i won't kill myself because i have been assigned a news story to write about Suicide which is due on Monday.... So can't really kill myself yo. What do i hope to achive with this? I hope to erm.... I don't know... The thing is that i wanna say that to him and not listen to Desmond's more long term plan advice because i have had enough being hung up over Paul. And i want to unleash the ultimate in hopes of well, getting this whole thing over with....

I would be lying to you if i said i don't hope for something good in return... But the thing is that, the reason why i thought of doing this to begin with is because i had enough of guessing of what's going on.... Basically, i'm just sick and tired of playing the game, i just want to put my bet of everything i have on one last move so that i can get the hell out , check out of this casino and move on down the strip. That's why i am doing this, you know.

So well........... let's see how it goes...........

well... i was with michelle and melissa today. and we talked about love and stuff. Michelle wants to make out with this guy like how i want to make out with Paul, you know what i mean. But anyway, Michelle took this book there and she was reading from the book that had to do with well... how you'd love whoever that loves you back simply because you just want to be appreciate, or that you think you're in love simply because for once, someone returns your affection or that for once someone actually likes you and you're the center of someone's world. I don't know how i feel about it, reading those lines... sometimes i feel that i still want a 'boyfriend' because of that. That i want to be loved because it sure as hell feel great to mean soooooooo much to someone. That was TOTALLY how i felt back when i was in highschool and then later in college. However.... as laughable as it may seem... i do feel that the day i turned 21, something did change and click within me... I mean... i still want to be loved.... no, i still want a boyfriend and all that... but i don't think it is 75% because i want to be loved anymore.... yes that was back then back when i was 16-20... that was why i wanted a guy and all that.... But these days, you know.... i don't really feel that way anymore... I don't know what i want. I also don't know how i really feel... but what i know i DON'T feel is that.... i wanna make out with Paul not because i am lonely, nor not because i want to be love nor because i hope he would like me back......... I really simply do want to make out with him cause it's nice to make out ne, hehe, and well, he's too damn cute.

aishiteruze baby i mentioned it the other day, but anyways, i wanted to mention it. uploaded the link for the download of the first chapter. Ching Mun, if you're reading this, this chapter i uploaded it for you because i think you will like it. Finally, a girl manga with a male lead character. One of those that you and me always swoon about. guys who take care of lil kids, etc. summore i know he's only a manga character but he's drawn really cute. Unlike many girl manga, i think this series has the least number of characters that is dislikable... In fact i think there are none. Yuzuyu, the little girl in the pic, she's abit spoilt sometimes but damn.... she's too cute! and also you kinda realize that her behavior is very typical 5-year-old, spoilt but can be really innocently cute! ^^ But do check it out for anyone who is bored and wanna read something really heartwarming.... The only complain that i DO have about aishiteruze baby is that in the latest chapter, they fell into the garden variety type of shoujo (girl manga). ~sigh~ But anyways... still a good read... and only 19 chapters to download so far. test out the first chapter. i do recommend it =) aishiteruze baby -right click, save as-

i believe in fate and the will of God, buthow long are we going to leave our lives to something external? I believe in faate and the will of God not because i blindly believe in it. i believe in it for the reason that sometimes things do fall or don't fall the way it does.

today is the first time in 1 2/3 yers that i will missing finch show dilberately. not really. fuck George cancelled on me last minute (must be payback for all the times i brushed him off but fuck i never intended it in a bad way) Then i went back home and Aya's class got cancelled and she could take me to the show but guess what? Of all the days, today my phone wasn't charged, cause i used the plug for something else yesterday, so it died, but when i came back and charged it but stupid sprint phones turn off when you charge it and you have to turn it back on but i forgot i had to do that. and so, fuck thus now it's 8pm and aya is back in santa monica already i discover that she had left 10,000 msgs on my phone telling me she could take me to the show and that she had even come to my house to knock on the door which i actually heard earlier at 6 but i thought i was just another stranger at the door. fuck fuck fuck.

i'm just sad. i really am.

but i'm more sad when i heard michelle's phone msg on my phone cause fuck, she was suppose to go with me. so i am really sad abt that. she's going to be at the fucking show and i wasted another $60 on a show i can't go for.

And I can tell you�re going through the motions, I figured you were acting out your part, Once again, we�re playing off emotionWhich one of us will burn until the end? Catalyst, you insist to pull me down, You contradict the fact that you still want me around, And it�s all downhill from here...

cigarettes and sunlight- moving foward seizing never. Nijuugo-sai. cigarettes and sunlight- look foward never backward time is ticking by. cigarettes in the twilight- conversations in the evening calm, time moving foward standing still- spaces that we fill, coversation add on linger, words intention intended, unspoken between the now and the never.

aisuru yue ni sabishiku natte tsukaete ha kurushiku natte konna fuu de shika kimi wo aisenakute honto ni, gomen ne

was with aya today on campus. amazing i could spend so much time on campus. anyway, came out of the cafeteria and i saw yoshi. been seeing him around campus alot. he looks really cool sometimes. under the different lights. there always seems to be a calmness to him. so anyways... the poem on the left is about him and how i felt the moment was today, there in the pale sunlight as twilight came. the one on the right? well obviously i didn't write it. Nihongo wa suki desu kedo tokui janai desu yo. It's a lyric from my second favourite Every Little Thing song called Soraai... That one well... i guess i chose it cause that's how i kinda feel about Paul... go figure to you, about what it means ;)

-please wait a little for the movie to load k... if u want to re-view it, just click on the last pic when the movie finish playing-

so.... Inuyasha is over.... the anime at least, and the manga is coming to a close too...

Anyways, i wanted to commemorate the end of the anime... i guess i am still in shock.... saw it coming but never expected it you know... but it did end... and i guess... i'm just sad cause i don't know.... Inuyasha meant alot to me... the reason why i came to like Asia much much more... how i am even thinking about contributing back to Asia to make people back home realize what beauty we have in our heritage, really all first stemmed out of Inuyasha. It was cause of Inuyasha i got interested in Japanese mythologies, and further on, into Asian mythologies.... It made me "Look East" you know....

And the reason why i am taking this 4 credit hour (more like 10 credit hours!) Japanese class, and all the rest of the stuff, is still because of Inuyasha you know... or maybe not cause of Inuyasha, but you know how sometimes in your life, you need one catalyst to propell you into this whole OTHER world you never knew, a whole other world that is so beautiful..... well....... Inuyasha was my catalyst you know.... In my whole life i can remember 3 distinct changes that really really turned my life around...

When i was 14 we went to Europe.... that REALLY blew my mind away. Suddenly, i could feel myself grow up you know. I literally saw my world expand beyond my eyes, and suddenly i realized for the first time in my life that there is sooooooooo much more to life than just the four walls of my room, than just Malaysia, than just this life that is preset before us... There is soooooo much more out there for us to live and to experience.... And it was because of that one trip that made me dream of a life less ordinary that i still dream of today..... If you always wondered why i hated Malaysia sooooooooo much back in highschool, it wasn't because i hated malaysia and just wanted to get the hell out of there... But it was because i saw so much more, and knew that there is sooooo much more out there to be lived, to be had.... that life need not be tied to the place where we were born....

And then... there was the second trip to UK, seeing Finch and all that stuff for the first time.......... and well, that one night in Sheffield with Nate and that wholeeee DREAM....... that propelled me here... that REALLY did... Changed my life over, and steered me towards America....

And finally..... Inuyasha, haha... believe it or not, yes an anime.... It took ONE anime, to change my life once more. It's not that I am totally obsessed with anime and manga and masih dijajah oleh jepun (nihon no), but it was more of the interests that Inuyasha had sparked within me that was the magic that Inuyasha did for me...

And on top of that, i still love Inuyasha as an anime, whether or not it changed my life, it IS a great anime........ and while it has ended.... I still hope that many of you will still give it a try. Pick up the manga, download an episode. Rumiko takahashi is still a brilliant storyteller... and really, if you have time, this is one feudal fairy tale you should not miss.....

Sayonara, Inuyasha.... Arigatou gozaimashita.

Not all that glitter is gold

this one's for the girls.

the girls who think that their prince in shining armor is that replica that they fantasize about in their heads.

Not all that look good tastes good. Like good you see on menus, like clothes you see on display. When the plate comes, the food always look less appeitizing, the dress always look worse in the changing room.

Anyway, my point is that, for the past few months, there's been this guy on campus that i see sometimes. He's really cute. I don't see him walking around often, like maybe once in a few weeks and stuff, but everytime i see him, I always look twice, cause he's really cute. The first time i saw him was with Satoshi.... then i saw him again when i was with Yoshi, i think... then I was at JSA the other day and I saw him again... and last night i went out with Norika for her birthday and I saw him in the car... And everytime i saw him, i really thought that he's cute.... Actually the first thought that strikes me is that "ahhhhh cute guy" then only the second thought comes "ohhh hey, it's that same guy!"

Anyway, then there's this super fit girl, Ami that I knew through Keigo who's also Satoshi's friend. You knows those super cun popular highschool girls that you often read in shoujo mangas? well, i would assume that back in highschool in Japan, she would have been one of thise super cun popular highschool girls. Anyways, yeah...

WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL..... What i found out yesterday was that, by the process of natural selection, well, the best genes always breeds with the best genes, and that cute guy i saw his actually Ami's boyfriend...

But the title of my post, is all that glitter is not gold...

And so what i also found out what that this guy is a real jerk. Basically in spring he and Ami stayed together but he treated her real bad. Like he'd have the keys to the house and she'd call him up for it, like kinda asks "yo where are you now?" and this dude would be like "who are you to me to keep asking me that?" and stuff like that. Also like, in addition to that sort of treatment, he stayed at her place FOC, didn't pay anything. But anyways, point is that he's a real meanie to her.... They kinda broke up i heard... But in the summer they both went back to Japan and there they met up and apparently, he was really sweet to her, and so they got back together again...

So....

As we conclude.... all that is glitter is not gold. All cute guys aren't princes, all cute girls don't always have it great even if they do get all the cute guys ne. So don't go chasing waterfalls. Everyone has their struggles i guess. And the grass is not necessarily greener over there.....

*still doesn't beat the fact that i am still moping around about paul, though*

Anyways.... I spent the whole Friday and Saturday reading manga.... I'm happy I actually found two series i like! And also the fact that one of them is pure shoujo and the other one is pure shounen.... hehehe...

First one is Aishiteruze Baby.... about a playboy (yes your damn typical cute shoujo manga guys!) who is suddenly placed with the responsibility of taking care of his 5-year-old cousin sister. Very cute. I think, i guess what i like about this shoujo manga is that, the protagonist is a guy. I really don't quite like shoujo girls cause they're so weak and indecisive. Also, the love interest of the guy in this story is also a very strong headed girl, so i like that too. What i like alot about this series is that the drawing is REALLY cute!!! ^^... make the characters very loveable.... soooo many frames of the drawing that i really really like that really makes your heart go "awwwwwe"!!!
Most of all, i recommend this manga to whoever girls who really like those cool guys type who suddenly become very motherly and have to take care of little girls.. hehe, cute.


Second one i read was BLEACH! yeah.... cool story. About a guy who has to hunt and erm destroy hollows, bad spirits... It's much more complicated than that of course, the story, but i'm too lazy to go write a summary.... hehehe. It's kinda pure shounen, no love stuff and all that of course, although now at this point the lead character is going out to save a girl (who was the one who first gave him the powers to hunt these hollows). The only one thing i dun quite like about this series is that i can't stand one of the characters cause she's your typical big-breasted-air-head and she likes the lead character and she actually develops spritual powers herself and is part of the team to go rescue the girl. Also, the thing is that, the drawing is very cluttered, damn hard to read cause the words are sqeezed really small and the drawing sometimes are very sketchy, makes your eyes go @.@ But the thing that i really liked about this series is that at times mannnnnn it's damn funny!!!

Anyway, both series have not ended yet. Aishiteruze Baby has been made into an anime, so i'm checking that out soon.... (INUYASHA IS ENDING ANYWAY! T_T). I'm not sure abt bleach tho.. hmm.

So that's it...

24 hours left to the END OF INUYASHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sighhhh i'm really sad actualy... still in shock actually..... sigh... i can't believe it's ending.... Inuyasha has changed so much in me.....no seriously.... it has........... It really has... It was like to me what meeting Nate back in 02 was like.... it really was..... I'LL MISS YOU INUYASHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess i still have the manga to look forward too.... although that too is ending....

you know how you wanna believe that you can do anything? let's just say that's NOT true. There IS a difference between people, how smart they and and how dumb others are. To illustrage this point.... let's look at the stark example of a very popular University we know to be.............

I was going through their webpage just now, looking at the department of Asian Language and Culture that Professor Hirota had talked to me about yesterday (she got her PhD from that department). NO i am NOT looking at enrolling in UCLA.... it seems it's not just a pocket problem though, it's also a BRAIN problem.

MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Look at their website, look at their accademic programs, look at their course catalogue, ANY OTHER universities (NON-Iny League of course), mannnnnnnnnnn our program look like KINDERGARTEN compared to theirs... SERIOUSLY. I tell you now, go to www.ucla.edu and look at the same same course you're taking and see THIER curricula.... I TELL U, what we're doing is REALLY child's play/elementary school compared to theirs man!! geeeeeeeeeez.

So man... i guess that's why ivy-leagues are ivy leagues huh??????????? BLUE BLOOD of education institutions no shit!

I went into UCLA once for a concert... yeap, that's all my interlectual capacitity would qualify me to do in UCLA.... and man.... how does it feel walking around a campus knowing that everyone around you are damn much smarter than you! geeeeeeeeeeez~

ok i had a long post about doujinshi but it got erased. so here's just a pic of how i folded and actually downloaded doujinshi of sesshomaru and rin (YEAH NON HENTAI ONES! ACTUALLY FOUND THEM!).

I actually don't like fan fic stuff bcause it's very out of character usually. Like you know the actual character will NEVER do that. But damn i was surfing thru ebay and saw some sesshomaru/rin doujinshi scans and man, they were so damn sweet that i folded. I had to go find some to indulge in although i know that would NEVER happen.

I mean, shit, Sesshomaru will NEVER let rin grab his sleeves! The anime Sesshomaru MIGHT, but the manga sesshomaru will DEFINITELY NOT. Plus, ithink it would actually not really be out of character for the anime Rin to grab sesshomaru's sleeves, and anime Sesshomaru would allow it (though he will likely NOT CARE nor reciprocrate the affection),. BUT it WOULD BE OUT of character for the manga rin to grab sesshomaru's sleeves. Manga rin probably damn well knows she can't do it with Sesshomaru because he's actually REALLY strict with her in the manga version. The anime version Sesshomaru still plays along with her whims.

But still sweet yo, to see Rin sleeping on Sesshomaru's fluff... hehehe... i wonder in the ACTUAL manga/anime Sesshomaru would ever do that. Although, seeing the pic, it's not really very unlikely that both anime/sesshomaru would do that. Cause i think the reason why also Rin wants to "be with sesshomaru-sama forever" is not just cause he's the first person to really care about/for her. I think he's been "affectionate" towards her. And i don't see how letting Rin sleep on his fluff would be out of character cause it's merely just giving her some warmth and a soft place to sleep on ne. I mean in the anime, he did let jaken rest on his fluff! hehehehe.... HOWEVER, you do see when Sesshomaru/Jaken is travelling, Rin usually sleeps on Ah-Un.... The one episode we saw Rin and Jaken sleeping/resting was the last episode with Rin/Sess and Sesshomaru wasn't around, so she was just sleeping between the tree roots. hmmm.... Awwee.

Then there were the doujinshi of rin giving Sesshomaru flowers.... USUALLY he wasn't receptive but let her do it anyway.... Kinda sesshomaru... anime sesshomaru.... Or ACTUALLY i think the actual sesshomaru would be looking at the ever eager rin holding up a bunch of flowers to him, and with that nonchalant face of his he'll just flip his hair and turn away and says "don't do such silly things" (of coz he don't mean it) and "lets go" and rin will just smile as always and go "hai!".
What else.... of course there were the Sesshomaru protecting Rin stories, tho there were very little of these actually.... then those of Sesshomaru going to look for Rin (i'm just guessing ne, i CANNOT READ JAPANESE!)

Of course, there were also the romance ones. I don't quite like those. I definitely like the one's more where she manja him and he looks at her and goes "damn, she's annoying" in an annoyed way but he's feeling like that only cause he's also damn cursing himself cause he knows he's all vulnerable with her too and that's why he actually tolerates her manja.

There were the ones where he actually hugs her after some sappy dialogue probably on the lines of one day he might lose her or that she's worried he's gonna leave her. THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. Sesshomaru would NEVER hug rin ne, not in a million years volunteerally!

But in all... i think i kinda accept those where she manja him and he kinda ignores/accepts it the way sesshomaru always does and in the end he'll fold and just acknowledge what she did for him with either saying something deadpan to her like "lets go", or by actually receiving what she made for him, or going to get her, or going to rescue her. I think i accept that after watching the last episode 162.... cause in that episode, although not much was said, and sesshomaru was his usual "cold" self towards in, yet you kinda feel at the end of the episode that Rin is really in Sesshomaru's life and he wants it that way, or he really don't mind her being there at all. Cause he gave her a choice in the end, "do as you like"... And it's like, not said that he actually says that "you can come along if you like it (i don't mind it)" but u get that drift. Somehow, THAT is actually more powerful of a connection than his usual "let's go" to Rin. Maybe in the "lets go" he always says, it's like "dang man, i got nowhere to put you, so lets go". Or that i feel that even when sesshomaru says lets go, it's more of like, he feels obligated. But yeah... I think in the "do as you like"... do you get the feeling that "you can come with me if you like it. I DON'T MIND"! ne.... damn just go watch the episode.

So yeah, that's why i think IT IS possible for Sesshomaru to let Rin grab his sleeves and all that. Though not said or even shown, I think Sesshomaru did show to Rin a part of his preference towards her "you can come along if you want".... like ALLOWING her to follow him instead of just the obligatory follow me COMMAND. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's why, i wish they'd animate Sesshomaru and Rin a little more.... show them playing ne.. erm or not playing but mabbe like... erm... she holding out flowers to him with a beaming smile and he's just like "what the heck nonsense again" look but looking at her smile and the flower he actually sees her sweetness and takes the flower... NE! damnnnnnnnnnnn ANIME THAT!

I <3 Sesshomaru+Rin

So yeah. that's all man. i need to bloody study. 13 hours i've procrastinated!

evenings with WaWa huh?

if that was my brother's life the last 6 months, i guess this is mine.


You know NOT to buy a laptop when...... You have 10,000 cables sticking out of it.... which i do. crap. I have to dock the laptop to connect the external keyboard ($10) cause the keyboard don't work no more. Then I have to connect the external CDR/DVD drive ($150) cause the DVD also don't work anymore. Then there's the external drive ($140/80gig) cause i ran out of space on the internal Hard Disk. Then there's my cellphone there on the DVD drive. TV in the background, radio behind the laptop and the fridge next to the TV. Yeap... that's my life. THIS is my life. Everyday. Docked on my bed 24/7, except when i'm in school... which actually, this semester, takes up alot of my time.

Happy labors day to you too.

I learnt new japanese sentence structure today.... unfortunately, i don't think i remember it. lemme try.

Anime to manga ga suki desu kedo manga no ho suki desu yo.

yeah, i remembered it. I also found out that:

kirai = suki janai desu

so that means, janai changes a form into a negative thing....

how about kirai janai?

Kirai janai = not that i don't like?

hmmm.

so i am depressed again... about japanese class i guess... with journalism "cleared" now it's japanese class... i just have to remember again why i took the class... elaine remember how you felt that day you walked into the student guidance center and they told you NOT to take Japananse or any language class at CSUN for that matter. And how you DID drop the Japanese class.
Then remember how you felt after that knowing that you're giving up. Knowing that you weren't gonna ever be able to do this language again. Remember that. And remember how you didn't care what they said, you knew you wanted, you knew you just had to, you knew you just must.... remember that.

Think happy thoughts, it's not so bad, at least as hard as the class is with all the work, you are learning something, soo desu ne.

Anyway, here are pictures to cheer you up...

Hyde.... hyde is always good to look at ne.


He's cute ne. Makes me happy to see him cute. except i think that was what made me depressed too cause i was looking for hyde's pic and i have been wishing that Paul would call me. And it's worse seeing Hyde's pic here and there and seeing how cute he is, and remembering Paul and actually seeing Paul in some of the Hyde's pics cause seriously, Paul really manage to look 90% like this dude.

But cute right??? he's cute ne.


Kenshin and Kaoru in love. That makes me happy too. Really happy. I like it when Kenshin loves Kaoru cause she really loves him yo. yeah, makes me really happy. But it's hard to find pics of them together. Or at least nice pics of them together. My favourite romantic pairing. My second favourite pairing.


awww.... i love these pics! My FAVOURITE pairing. Not romantic k. that's sick. but hehe. i can go on dayssssss just talking about Sesshomaru and Rin. I love them. Sesshomaru DOES give a shit about Rin no matter what he says about hating humans. Whether he loves her or not, he probably will (later on in the series that we won't see cause it's never gonna be drawn and it's a speculation from current mode of things). In the last anime episode with Sesshomaru and Rin in it (ep 162), he actually did want to leave her with the humans because he probably thought it'd be better that way. But i think her cries did affect him and he did go save her. And at the last scene with them in it, you can see that Sesshomaru does care for Rin. I mean look at these pics even! You can see it! Actually, i guess you'll just have to see the series to actually see how much Sesshomaru has changed and how his actions and VOICE even is towards Rin from the episode she meets him, through all the episodes where he comes and gets her while she waits for him and all the episode he goes and rescues her even if it doesn't benefit him in any way, to the very last episode where like always he goes to rescue her immiediately when he finds out she's missing, and i guess, the last epsiode is hard to interprete unless you recognize and you're familliar with the usual Sesshomaru's demenure and how it's actually much more "affectionate" at the last scene with Rin. She's like his daugther, you know, someone he cares about and you can see that in his unexpressed expression that he really likes and is comfortable having her around. And for the once cold hearted demon that Sesshomaru once was (before Rin), Rin has really changed him, and jaken even, tremendously! I love Rin!


Finally, the baka Inuyasha. This is actually from the movie so really, i doubt it counts. he has NEVER hugged Kagome like this every before, with this expression. he was does this with Kikyo tho... ALWAYS. pisses me off as hell... So this is the first time (tho in the Movie so that shouldn't count actually). I think it's cause also that he thought she had died when she protected him. I like this pic the best of their moments together. I feel there's a very much deeper feeling of affection- which is very missing in Inuysha and Kagome couple pics. They're usually more erm... fun and playful than deep and sentimental, like the Inuyasha/Kikyo pics. So this pic makes me happy too... Oh yeah, they're my second favourite Romantic couple too. my THIRD?? favourite pairing?? Nah, inuyahsa and kagome comes on par with Kenshin and Kaoru.

Well....... tell me why do you like journalism?



I really don't like journalism. It's very inspiring and all that when the teacher talks to us. But i simply don't have the passion to be investigative, to be naturally curious, and to give a shit about the political situation.
Alot of American Journalism is tied to that- because that is what Journalists should be to begin with, the watchdog of the nation. We are the 4th branch of government. We were given the power by the Consitution of the United States to check the powers of the other three branches of Government..... or at least the other two minus the Supreme Court.
I just don't care. Maybe it's the upbringing you know. Like my family has never been one who really cared about Politics or at least, it was never discussed with the kids. And Politics in Malaysia belongs to those who have time. hmmm... i don't know who it belongs to, but i just feel it ain't no belong to the Middle Class Complacent Chinese. And i was never brought up to be politcally critical, you know, it just never grew into an interest.
But that is the crust of what Journalism is about. And i totally don't like that part of it. That LARGE HUGE CHUNK of it.


And the other thing is that..... I don't like interviewing people...
1) I get tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo intimidated.
I was assigned to this newstory this week that required me to deal with the President's Office, that is the head of the Uni, the top most guy (woman in our case), and i just didn't dare to question that office. I wonder if cause i am that typical asian person. that i just don't like to question authority. That i do puff them up in this aura that surrounds them.
2) I don't know what questions to ask.
I always feel i ask lame questions. And i find that i never do come up with the good juicy, power packed, questions till AFTER the interview and i am going through my (badly written) notes.
3) I just don't know how to think outside the box.
When i get an assignment... I jsut don't know how to get about it. I have news ideas and i have ideas on what i kinda wanna do with a story. But i just don't know where to get the answers and how to get the answers. I don't know who is the right person i should go to, how to get to them, and if i can't get to them, where do i start out first. I just can't seem to instantaneously figure that out. I just keep needing pointers........... I guess that's where my Editors come in handy. My editor is real selamba, Kris, he's quite laidback, but you can see the qualities in him that makes him an editor.


Well... on another note is that...........


MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN I LIKE BROADCAST WRITING. I know i am not good at it yet. My class teacher seems to be more strict than my Radio Station Manager/Professor... I basically went into the newsroom not knowing what to do at all except that the lead must be in PRESENT TENSE, sentences should be short and simple. and BAM! i wrote! and I liked it ALOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think mainly cause it's REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH LESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS work than writing a news article. A news article you have to have like SOURCES, CALL THE SOURCES, INTERVIEW the SOURCES, compile them, make sense, write the story. For Broadcast, you sit there, read write stories and well...... basically SUMMARIZE them!
of course there are other rules to Broadcast writing too that i am still not good at, especially at my tenses and making the sentences short and simple and packing enough information from a 5 page story to a 1/2 page story. But danggggggggggggggg!!! It's sooooooooooooooooo much LESS pressure than PRINT!


Anyways........


i can't say any mean things about Journalism right now, I HAD some really mean stuff to say but yesterday i had a good day with Broadcast (which i ABSOLUTELY wanted to drop), and then today, i feel ok... Cause i THANK GOD (GOD always sees me through!!!!!!!!!!!!) i got my TWO sources!!! for my news story!!!!! i actually got them!!!!!!!!!! wooooooooooo!! AGAIN LAST MINUTE!!!! but i got them thank God!!!
And alsoooooooooooooo.... I suggested the student exchange program to Japan article to my editor today and he brought it up to the head editor and they approved it! So now i get to do another feature story on this! I know it's A FEATURE story but at least it's something i like, you know.......... I sure pray to God i'll do well!


So anyway.... here i am...... am i really one step closer to being a journalist??? even with the press pass and all that stuff! hehe.















God told me today, or yesterday, just right after i was bitching about how i feel that i don't know how i ever got to where i am today. i had so many dreams ever since i was 13, i wanted to be so many things, i had so many things i wanted to be, i wanted to do.
And now, here i am, at the point where it ACTUALLY matters, i ENDED up doing something i totally LOATH.

I mean, how the HECK ON EARTH did i end up here?! I mean, mannnnnnnnn... it's not i like i was directionless in life you know, I HAD A DIRECTION. I'VE ALWAYS HAD A DIRECTION.
Yet here i am, and i am in something that i TOTALLY DO NOT WANT TO DO. HOW?! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!

And then i read my Lord told me "Yet you do not even know what tomorrow will being. What is your life? For you are mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say 'If the Lord wishes, we will live and do this or that'."

"If the Lord wishes, we will live and do this or that"

And God told me to have plans in life of course, but in the end, ultimately submit it to Him and it's up to Him to make it come true or not....
And you know, years ago, i decided to submit my plans to God. I did that. I told Him that "I offer my life to you, everything i've been through, use it for Your glory. And Lord I offer my days to you" and i did.... and i know i've been far from God, but i really hope that man........... I am following what God wants me to.

And although, i really don't know what i want to do with my life right now. Ironic that i always knew what i wanted since 13, and now that i am 22, i DON'T... but you know God told me that we should submit our plans to God's will, we can still enjoy His peace in the midsts of life's uncertainty.

So i hope. So I pray. So be it. Amen.

summimasen, i just had to post this...

i was sitting in my English Language Difference class today and we were going through the phoenetics of words. Anyway, she was talking about gender difference in the words that we use, and men usually don't say "adorable" and girls usually don't say "balls". And one guy actually did try an experient and used the word "adorable" at home and everyone was shocked... None of the girls tried using the word "balls" as an experiement but that got me thinking about that phrase "grab life by the balls" or something which i had changed to "grab life by the breasts" and thinking about that suddenly reminded me about Austin (from Days Away) and that night at Troubadour when we were all talking and i told him "grab life by the breasts" and i still remembered how he looked then and he was smiling and all that, the way Austin always smiles and he said "Grab life by the breasts?? I gotta remember that one!"
And i realize..... i miss Days Away alot...... I miss Austin, I miss Keith, I miss Tim, i miss the whole bunch of them or hanging around them... they're a nice lot to hang around with and to talk with... REALLY cool fellas... and you don't always have to talk about music, you know, they were just guys.... and if they weren't up there on that stage, and i didn't love them so much, and shit, if i had stayed and studied in PHILADELPHIA instead.... man... they could have been friends.......... (MAYBE)


But i don't know. i don't care i guess.


I just miss them alot and it sucks that I'll only get to see them in November.............. TOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LONGGGGGGGGGGG TO WAIIIIIIIIIIT my dear, TOOOOOOOOOO LONGGGGGGGGG to wait........... *sigh*