daijoubu ka. Iie, soo janai desu. damedata desu yo.
anata wa suki desu.
Well........
i at least i told him how i felt right? I guess all that i didn't like about it is that i was a little pushy towards the end. like i should have just given him a break instead of making him feel bad. But you could really hear him sweating it out trying his best to say no without saying no. and right after i got to the "anata ga suki desu" you could hear his reaction... all the way till "i wish i could make you happy... and make you smile" and then there was speechlessness... At that point i was just wondering how many time in his life has he been in this situation before.
I guess i was just sad for or loss for the fact that i can't make him happy, or that i wont have the chance to make him happy cause i really wanted to.... I mean it's not that i want to make myself happy to be able to be with him, but i wanted to make him happy and i'm just sad for the fact that i can't.
And the only fucked up shit abt the whole phonecall that i hated was that at the end, i was just being a real fucking bitch about it. I mean fuck you elaine, if he doesn't like you, you can't fucking force him to go out with you. You didn't have to go and fucking make him feel sad about it. And so. yeah i just hated the last part. that's all. cause he was already being real nice about it.
Anyways.........
AYA IS AWESOME. She sat by me through it all... and then she even offered to take me wherever i wanted to go... So she drove me to downtown LA... Been forever since i last saw LA and i love seeing LA because it reminds me of a dream come true and i shouldn't spit at God in the face.
Anyways........
And then, since i already did the ultimate and everytime i am depressed, things just don't seem to worry me.... So even though it was already 2am on the East Coast, i don't know why but i just felt like calling Tim from DAYS AWAY.... to tell him i just got rejected and i miss Days Away alot and it's shit i won't see them till November.... And well... I DID CALL. I hung up tho, after a few rings cause it WAS already 2am...
BUT THEN.........
HE ACTUALLY CALLED BACK!
And he was like "someone called me from this number?" and i was like "yeah. tim is that you?" and he was like "yeah, it's me" and i was like "hey! it's me, elaine," and he was like "yo! hi!! how have you been?" so then i said sorry for calling so late... then he said it's okay.... (I knew Tim would be cool about it, that's why i dared to call, otherwise i wouldn't have)... Then i started bitching to him about how i called a guy up and told him i liked him but got rejected... so i was depressed... and i also missed days away alot and is sad that i have to wait till november to see them. and he was like "what? so, you called a boy up and you got rejected?" and I was like "yeah.... So now i'm depressed"..... and then he asked "why the hell did he reject you?" and i told him why. And then he was like "you know what elaine? Fuck it. You don't need that motherfucker" hehehe... then he told me how i'm better off on my own. And i was like but I want to make someone happy. And he said "fuck that. You don't need that, and you know why?" and i was like "no. why?"... "cause you can make yourself happy and that's all that matters," then i told him i was still depressed. And he said "you want me to beat that mutherfucker up?" and i said "no, it's okay," then he told me "don't worry, the right boy will come along one day," and i said, "WHEN?! I've been waiting for 22 years!" and he said "waht? you've been waiting for me for two years?" and i said "NO!! I mean i've been waiting for TWENTY TWO years...." and he said "oh, twenty two years" and then i said "but if you want me to want you, sure! why the hell not!" hehehe then he laughed... then i think we talked abit abt their LA shows.... then he was like "wait, you want to talk to keith? He's here. He's lots of experience with stuff like these" and i was like "yeah sure." And so Tim went to get keith! heheheheehhe... I could hear Tim say "it's elaine"...... awwwwwwwe.... And then keith came on the phone!!! heehhehehehehehe...... SO HAPPY HE REMEMBERS ME.... hehehe HE KNOWS MY NAME!!!!!!!! So anyways Keith came on the phone and asked me what's up, so i bitched to him too and he was like its okay.... and then i bitched abt how i miss them and how i won't see them till November... And he told me don't worry it's near and said that they'll be there early november and end of november. Then he asked me where i was, i said on the 101. Then i said to him "Why aren't you here?!!! then you can make me feel better!" then he said "i'm there with you, i'm there with you." Then he said "i'll see you in November okay. That's a month's time." and i said "yeah, a little over a month," and then I said "don't forget me by then ok!" and he said "oh shuddup!" hehehehe.... then after that he said he had to leave and i said ok, and said "i miss you!!!" and he said "I missed you too."
So well........
At least i got to talk to days away...... although i guess keith was a little tired (maybbe??) cause he didn't sound like his usual self.... hehehe, he's cute when he's like his usual self.... very cute....
*sigh*
Well.... I guess Aya was right...... ne.. normally when a person is depressed, they'll just listen to their favourite band's song... I on the other hand, damn, called the band to bitched to them instead!
I guess that is good ne. Isn't it? shouldn't i be happy?
fuck...... actually what i mean is that fuck u and fuck u too. all i fucking want is to make you happy and if you want to go lament over some girl you can't have and who won't return your affection then fuck you and fuck u too, go die. go dig your own grave and bury yourself in it. cause fuck you i was willing to be with you despite knowing how you feel for the girl and i would have gone on being with you even if your heart belongs to the girl because all i wanted was so that you will be happy and all your bitching about wanting someone to be there for you, i wouldn't have mind. so fuck you and fuck you too and for all the rest of you who too who are motherfuckers as Tim had said. your own funeral. I may not be the best bet but fuck you, i would have been your fucking best bet because i would have fucking loved you unconditionally even if you never loved me back. So fuck you and fuck you do. Go choke and die in your own fucking misery i hope that when you're fucking sixty with tumors growing on your balls you would fucking remember me. and i would be fucking pissing on your grave or rolling in my own grave saying fuck you and fuck you too because i was your best bet and you fucking threw it all away you fucking fool go fuck yourself and i would have been happy knowing i got the fucking last laugh because i lived my life with no fucking regrets and did what i had to do, did what i can, did what i want and i didn't let fuckers like you old me back, because you only make things worse. so fuck you and fuck u too, may u ALL U MOTHERFUCKERS WHO FUCKING SPIT IN MY FUCKIGN FACE WHEN ALL I GAVE TO YOU WAS MY HEART MY ALL MY DEDICATION AND MY LOVE AND ALL YOU EVER DID WAS TAKE IT LIKE IT WAS WORTH NOTHING. FUCK YOU ALL. MAY YOU LIVE TO SIXTY WITH TUMORS GROWING ON YOUR BALLS WITH YOUR BALDING HEAD AND THE GIRM RIPPER KNOCKING AT YOUR DOOR. AND ALL I CAN SAY TO YOU AT THAT POINT IN TIME IS FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU TOO. FUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS! DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU FUCKING MISS THAT'S FUCKING WHAT. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.
btw... if i you don't see me online, don't hear a word from me the next few days or don't reply your msgs, dat means i am fucking depressed and withdrawing from the world. will be back when i fucking want to.
Monday, September 20, 2004
0 comments:
Post a Comment