ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

It's a chicken yo.

Today I found out there are such things as ornamental chickens. They're kept as pets. I thought some of these chickens did look quite beautiful. Especially they really puffy feathered ones.


Songs I've really liked in the past few days!

昨日の風 - つばき
桜 (つんつんつばき vol.47) - つばき
土曜日 - syrup16g

All three very odd candidates. Kinou no Kaze was one of Tsubaki's first singles. I had it for awhile but never listened till now... The other Tsubaki song is actually from their "tsuntsun tsubaki" radio show... completely unexpected but great song. And lastly, Doyoubi by syrup16g... I noted this song a few months back but suddenly, it really blew.

I think the greatest crime that one can do to oneself is to live a lie.

And everyday I feel that.

I don't know if my students are the one making me feel that. But everyday I feel that. That I'm such a lie.


I don't feel that it's a terrible job at SriKDU. But, I feel, so much, that I'm just not suited for this job. Whether I suck as a teacher is another thing, I have the heart to be one, I really do want to help the students, but I know I totally don't have the personality suited for it.

It feels, everyday, like I am dragging myself through a bed of nails. That everyday, I am forcing myself to swim in boiling oil. It's like, I know the skin of me, is totally not right for what I put myself through each day.

Before, teaching felt... doable. Like, it was still something that I wanted to do and something I know I could do.

But now, everyday, it feels like such a lie I am living.


Is this what it means to suffocate? Because I feel that everyday.

I don't hate my job, hell, if you want to say, I don't even hate my students, but what I hate is the feeling of everyday as I clock in, I know it's such a lie. Like, I'm buying time in something I shouldn't even be doing.

And, it's not anything but I feel bad because I feel like, I am not helping the students. Worse yet is that I don't know how to help them at all. It's like everyday feels like a fucking failure, and a further fall down the spiral. Coz it's not even not being able to help the weak students, but rather, I'm even fucking up the good students, and that's like.... fucking shit!!!


I don't know what to do except to hope for a way out. Or hope that things would get better.

I like the complacency that this job allows, but the more I feel like "Okay, we just need to get through this one cause this job's relatively easy", the more I feel like such a fucking lie.

You can't, elaine, you can't go on cheating the kids. And you can't go on cheating yourself. Of what you should do, what you were meant to do. Only because this feels the most comfortable to do. You can't, you can't do that.

How much time must I buy for Japan's sake?

Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. To squeeze your entire world and future into that one desire.

Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it?

Sometimes, I wonder if, maybe, it is by letting go I would be able to achieve...


Today's tune: Tsubaki - Kinou no Kaze (Yesterday's Wind) (Because i feel like this song... whatever it means...)
今日の一曲：つばき － 昨日の風




できるなら笑って　ありふれた日常を
その喜びも悲しみも　どうでもいい事も

There is something to music, to bands, and to live/gigs/concerts/shows that unites. Whatever you call them, gigs in England, concerts in Malaysia, shows in America, Live in Japan, whatever name or label that is given to this participation in the cesspool of flesh and sweat bound together by the chords of the band playing on stage-- whatever its name-- the sensation, the feelings, the pull towards this-- is all and the same.

I don't know how to explain it to friends. Why, why, why I just can't just stop going for shows. Why just listening to songs on the radio ain't enough. Why, why, why, lately, I just keep having to go to Japan to see these bands.

How do you explain that when I listen to a song, I just don't hear the sound engineered mesh of chords and melodies. That when I listen to a song and it moves me, that all I can feel and imagine is how it would feel like, this imploding feeling in my heart being multiplied a hundred folds, pressed together with 1000 other people, the music bursting in my ears and the band, real, in front of me.
How do you explain the feeling of being there in a mosh pit, with the music, with the people and with the band-- all meshed together bound and crushed together in one breath with one beat. How do you explain a feeling like that? How do you explain why, why, why, that one imagination, that one feeling, pulls me so intensely?

I can't explain it, except to say that....... I loved it, I loved it all. And it was in that breathlessness, with your heart bursting forth from within, feeling like you're dying, suffocating, afraid that you're gonna die, actually, fearing of being crushed, kicked or trampled to death, but still, feel so alive.


I'm glad that in my lifetime I've had the privilege to meet soulmates who feel this same draw and force and hear the same call of the mosh pit in our hearts. Who Understands. Who Knows.-- whether it is Robbie whom I met online at Punkrockvids on MIRC, or Luis, Michelle, Wendy, Melissa, Johanna in America, Fuji in Japan, or Ame in Hong Kong--- I want to believe that we're all soulmates...

That no matter where we are from, no matter which country, which language, which experience we were from, we stand together as one, under the banner of this music, of this band.


It was an immense feeling when I stood there in Lunkhead's moshpit, on that cloudy June summer day, on the rooftop of Tower Records Shinjuku, for their 5th Album release special live. There's something incredible to Japanese lives, simply because one has to witness it for oneself, the sight of a thousand hands all raised together, cheering on the same beat, as one whole unified wave of hands with the beats of a song. There is something fundamentally human to all that.

Standing there alone, feeling so foreign in this crowd, totally not understanding a single thing that was being said both on stage and around me or what is even being sung. But when we stood there together, looking at this band, and when we sang and danced and cheered together as one for this band, with this band, with them, with us-- I felt united-- united with all these strangers-- like with the intensity of our hearts we were bound together to each other and with this band through their music; we, foreigners, natives, fans, band alike, all became one big family.

And I still feel the same way when I meet fans of Lunkhead online, that we may come from Malaysia, America, Hong Kong or Japan, and sometimes, we couldn't even communicate properly--- but, with this one band, with the love for this same music, we smile, we smile because we understood this feelings that we shared in our hearts.


I think this video here is a good... summary... of that unity, of that singleness, when you're in a pit as fans united under the banner of one band together in one song. It's taken from Tsubaki's latest live video, and it's all of these crowd just clapping in TOTAL UNISON with the band, like was all just one clap... It's not a simple clap, you know, there's a beat to it, yet yet.... Just imagine how many times the fans have heard that one song to be able to clap like that! hahahaha...




I think that is the beauty of mosh pits. Not just the utter draw to the intensity of the feeling of being drowned with a sea of people and with the breathlessness of screaming to this music. That in this, in this empowering enveloping mesh of racing heartbeats, gasps of air, screaming at the top of your lungs, throwing yourself into the intensity of the moment there with these people and with the band your love with the songs that sang your heart-- there, there, is where we live. Is where we really feel alive.


And I am glad, I'm glad I've found such friends who share; actually, who understands, this feeling that I feel, that I miss so very much, in my heart.


I wish, I wish my friends here could understand these feelings. I wish they knew what the mosh pit meant to me. How if the feelings of a Taking Back Sunday mosh pit could be rolled into a pill, I would take some everyday!

I wish I could live my life in that pit. I wish that the vocation of my life could put in pits every day of every week, or at least, somewhere close to the calling lights of that crowd... That at this moment, listening to Tsubaki's Aimai na Yoru on my radio, I could just close my eyes, and imagine, how wonderful, how wonderful, what breath it would be to take, standing there with all these crazy Tsubaki fans in the pit, seeing, hearing Isshiki Noriyasu sing... And we look up and we smile, and we voice our hearts together with him with his words, and we reach out, and we cheer together, and we sing, and we smile.... I wish I could see him sing everyday... I wish I could see him sing right now.


I remember during that Lunkhead live on the rooftop that summer day, and the infamous Japan June rain threatening to reign down upon us with fury, the sky was overcast, cloudy and gray... getting darker and darker as we sang and united louder and louder... Yet, that reliable June rain never came. And I remember, when the show was over, Ishikawa Ryou, the drummer of Lunkhead, stood a final moment on stage and uttered these words that my Japanese 101 comprehension even understood, "Your power and our power combined has held the rain up."

And yes, it certainly felt that way that day. And yes, I believe that too... that in that moment when we are all locked up in an arena, club or live house together, as our collective breath gathered and accumulated, there was that power: your power, my power, our power combined.

And it is this that sits in our hearts, that pulls us, that calls us-- as we long and wait for the moment to be there in the next pit.

Last.fm changed its layout.... kinda... more sleek, i suppose.




here's my profile: http://www.last.fm/user/goodbyetracy


I don't think it's totally a real representation of the music we listen to, because it only records the music played on the computer, but, I suppose, it's a decent representation of the music we listen.

I only have two friends on last.fm... Robbie and Ame...






It's REALLY sad that my music compatibility with Robbie is like......... VERY LOW... coz, well... I know for sure that if it was back in 2003 or 2004, we would have had a good compatibility, although, he would have been listening to wayyyyyyyyy more and varied music than I would have! And it's sad coz like I said, I think robbie is one of the few friends I can solely communicate entirely with lyrics and he'd know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. So, it's quite sad to see that the one thing we'd have in common, it's already so far.... past and... gone.

And I have no idea how Ame and I even share the same music for.... Beethoven??? hahahaha ^__^ It's great to have met her!! I hope we can go for a Lunkhead live together SOON!!!! ^___^ 楽しみよ！

Here in this diary,
I write you visions of my summer
It was the best I ever had
There were choruses and sing-alongs,
And not a spoken feeling
I’m knowing that right now is all that matters.
All the nights we stayed up talking
And listening to 80’s songs;
Quoting lines from all those movies that we love.
It still brings a smile to my face.
I guess when it comes down to it...

Being grown up isn’t half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters
Is just following your heart
And eventually you’ll finally get it right.

Breaking into hotel swimming pools,
And wreaking havoc on our world
Hanging out at truck stops just to pass the time.
The black top’s singing me to sleep.
Lighting fireworks in parking lots,
Illuminate the blackest nights
Cherry cokes under this moonlight summer sky.
2015 riverside, it’s time to say, "goodbye."
Get on the bus, it’s time to go.

Being grown up isn’t half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters
Is just following your heart,
And eventually you’ll finally get it right.


It's important to not forget what you hold important in your heart. There is a need to protect that which means everything to you-- even if it's gone. It's important to keep it in your heart so you won't ever forget, so you won't ever lose, so you would hold on, to things that mean something to you, to things that make you remember who you were, and hopefully, who you still are....

Though sometimes, a song is not enough.