Dear All,
Thank you very much for all your kind words... touched my heart to know that people care about what happens to me...
I am ok now... physically.... i still dare to go for concerts (tho i have not been to any yet) but i think i am a little more paranoid these days. I have moved house to another house and a bigger room. my dad came over to take care of me for awhile... =)
Otherwise... i guess i am okay. i mean... stirred but not too shaken u know... And i still don't really sit down and ponder what happened cause i think it'd be too scary if i did that.
and as they say u know... life DOES go on and the sun still rises even if you don't really move as fast as life around you does.
I hope i will still be me... still as loud, still as anxious, still as desperate.... maybe still less cautious... but I don't know... i guess i just feel even lonelier these days....
Anyway, thanks alot for all the nice comments. it really touch my heart to know that all of you care *biggest hugs and kisses*
lots of love,
Elaine
I'm back. i'm waiting for matt from TBS to call. I MISSED HIS CALL!!!! HE WAS SUPPOSE TO CALL AT 3pm!!! NOT 2:40!!! I AM IN CLASS!!!!!!
ahhhhh shitttttttttttttt!!!
ohhhh
shite... i feel baad now... TBS justcalled... hehehehhe matt called but i had to reschedule my interview cause Matt didn't have much time left and erm.... he's too tired.... I feel bad tho cause now i have to trouble victory records again.... sighhhhhh
oh well that's it from me.
no internet in the new house.... sooooooo
i am withering, i am dying
halloween party this weekend.... paul might be there....
sigh
so well.... sorry for the lack of update.... firstly..... one thing that happened the other day on monday morning is that i got attacked at home.... not "attacked" according to the police.
It's not something I want to really talk about i guess.... though people say that i should. But the thing is that i can talk about it and i can tell you what i felt at that moment but i probably can't really tell you how i feel now because i still don't quite know.
I think I got over the shock of it just maybe like two hours later. I was feeling "alright". Methodically told friends about it, methodically went to do what i needed to do.
I don't know..
Well i guess what happend was taht around like 2am i was going to get my clothes from the dryer... And so i went out of my room.... As i was walking down the hallway, i heard a click and i looked back and saw the empty room door which was suppose to be locked open. And i thought it was the pressure at first. But i knew for sure that it was locked cause Aya and I had tried to go in last week. First i thought it was a ghost. yeap i believe in those. then it actually did occur to me that it would be an intruder so i got scared and decided to go back to my room instead.
I was scared a little at that point and i went into my room but as i went into my room I decided to take a peak at into the empty room just abit. THe way my door opens up it that i faces the empty room door.
Just as i peaked into the room, i saw a guy emerge from behind the door. It was Sam the guy who used to steal stuff from us. And actually i got abit scared and thought i better get into the room ASAP... then i dunno why i instinctively said "what are you doing here?"
And then suddenly he just pounced/came towards me and i fuckign freaked out and tired to close the door but his hand caught me on and i screamed "HELP ME!!!!" and he paniced and grabbed by mouth but i managed to scream more.
You know to think about it.... my house mates and the cops think that he came into the house to get something.... but to think about it.... you know what? I'm really scared that i was actually his target.... Cause you know.... I asked him "what are you doing here?" and i got scared and the thought flashed through my mind 'elaine, he's gonna hurt you.' and i immiediately tried to close the door but that's when he pushed it open and came towards me and i fucking yelled out HELP ME!!!!!!! and then that's when he grabbed my mouth to try to shut me up and but he couldn't do it too well and i yelled even more. when he grabbed my mouth i tried to push him away and close the door but he pushed it opened even more and pushed me into the room but cause my room is fucking messy i couldn't get in that much anyway and i fell to the floor where he tried repeatedly to grab my mouth to shut me up and he tried to close the door behind us so no one would see us but i still screamed like hell. I think instintively when i fell to the floor i tried turning away from him so he couldn't put his hands around my mouth so i could shout even more.
I remember at this point when I got pushed to the floor and he tried to grab my mouth and he was grabbing my mouth and he was trying to close the door, the one thought that came to me was like "shit i can't believe it that this is gonna happen to me. the one thing that i just felt might just happen IS GOING TO HAPPEN." and i got into shock and i got really sad and shocked and all that all at once cause i was just like oh mannnn i'm gonna get raped or assulted who would have thought i mean it was always at the back of my head but i never thought it would really happen you know. But thank God I still could scream and i was really scared that i could not scream and i knew my housemates were in and i really hope they'd hear me. Then I guess he knew i screamed too much already so he got scared and fled.
And i guess that's what happened.... and the thing was that, i wasn't freaked out scared liek how i'm afraid of ghost. But i was shaking....
And i don't think it has hit me yet waht really happened and the thought of what might have happened. cause i mean, considering, i am damn calm and alright about it even now, you know what i mean.
And like maybe the caffine really helped that day cause i was drinking alot of coffee and i didn't know if i was feeling that shaking in my heart because of the caffine or because of the shock....
What i am fuckign scared now tho is that i sometiems feel that he might have came in to harm me and not to rob the house.
Because the thing is that... he could have kept hiding in the room till i went back into my room and i would have never seen him.
And the other thing is that, why did he have to grab me? it wasn't provoked. I mean, i wouldn't have done anything to him anyway. I'd just have gone back into my room. Why couldn't he just let me do that? why did he have to grab me?
And you know, i guess i really don't want to think about what might have happened if he really did manage to push me into the room and shit, if my room WAS clean (which it should be actually) and i didn't have like a mountain high of shit piled in front of my door, what would have had happened you know. I don't know and i am too scared i think to think about it.
I guess I do live in Los Angeles after all, huh?
I don't know... in a way, i think i'm a little changed after that. As small as it was.... cause i don't know why, i just can't be unfased about this.... Usually if soemthing shitty happens, i usually in the end get really angry or apathetical about it like 'oh well whatever nevermind'... for the past two days, i just can't seem to say that anymore... I jsut can't seem to say 'oh well whatever, nevermind'... everything i do say 'oh well' or like even accept it as a fact of life that it shit happens..... i feel like i am lying to myself for belittling the incident... i just feel that it's not something i just can say 'oh well' or 'fuck it' as i usually would have.... i don't think i can for this one..... and i just don't know how to find my strength from this... and all i can do is to be normal, go out and do normal thigns like my reporting, and laugh like i always do which i do.... but i guess if you can say... deep inside, i'm still in shock and i've not really come to terms with what had happened.
You know the shit thing was that, i actually once had a dream or a thought that something like this would happen. I had a dream that while i was showering, two of my ex housemate's friends(the black guys from last time) would come in and grab me in the shower.
And just last week i just kept feeling like this guy Sam was going to break into the house and i was even wondering to myself if the doors and windows were secured enough to keep him out. Cause the thing is taht for a few weeks I've been hearing someone running in the backyard or like someone trying to open the side doors.
And i guess that's why i'm quite u know... to think that it actually DID happen though nothing absolutely terrible happened. Isn't that shit?
And the shit thing is that i feel soooo damn tired yesterday and today cause i hadn't slept much and all i want to do is go home but i can't cause i need to wait for a friend and i want to sleep at home but i can't cause i can't go anywhere alone...
You know to tell you the truth, i am scared of walking alone at night like even on campus, cause he probably is around here. or anywhere else.
and the shit thing is taht, i AM a very carefree person, Paul is right, i am fucking laidback person. but that's the shit, after this, i jsut feel an inability to rest u know. i think my heart still have a constant anxiousness it in lately... like it'll beat faster and fuck it's not because of Paul or KEITH or whatever... it's just scared. or something. or i don;t know maybe just nervous.
and that's jsut fucked up cause i am a carefree person and i liek being that way....
Anyway, Asian Kung Fu Generation rocks... i am in love with the singer, he's so fucking cool (in this live clip) ohhhhhh fuck!!! my hard drive is fucking dead i have to redownload that stupid torrent of thier live show...... oh man that jsut sucks. ALRIGHT! the torrent is STILL alive... gonan grab it tonite when i go back "home" fuck new apartment i haev to go apply for stupid cable and all taht on my own again...... *sigh*
u know it DOES suck i lost like 7gigs of information because my external drive is dead. DAMN make that 20 gigs!!!! cause i had 160 gigs and damni was down to 130 gigs....... OH FUCKING HEART BROKEN. WTF!!!
QUESTIONS:
1. Why are you interested in this program?
This program offers a unique opportunity in which I could get my first glimpse of Japan in order to utilize both my skills in English to help others there while being exposed to Japanese culture personally through the home stay. The duration is short enough that this would not interfere with my graduation dateline. Also, this program offers me the opportunity to interact in English with Japanese students because I am taking an Elementary Japanese course right now and certainly would not be able to survive in Japan well if I had enrolled in any other programs.
Most of all, this program enables me to actually be in Japan in other circumstances besides being a tourist. I would get to actually talk and interact personally with Japanese people and a Japanese family and would be able to learn first hand authentically of the Japanese culture without any filters or distortions.
2. Why do you think you would be a good counselor at USA Spring Camp?
Since the camp is also primarily an English language camp, I feel that I would be a good counselor for the camp since I come from Malaysia, whereby although English is not my first language, it is the primary language in which I speak in. In addition, throughout the course of my life, I have taken many other English courses both in school and outside of school. Therefore I feel that I have been exposed to English through both worlds: as a native speaker and as an ESL student. Therefore, I would be able to relate to non-native speakers more and hopefully be able to guide them better.
Also, I come from another Asian country and have been exposed to the American culture first hand. I am very much interested in intercultural relations and I was hoping that I could communicate to the Japanese students whom I would meet how it is like to be in America as a foreign student. From the experiences I have, I hope also to compare to them Asian culture with American culture and American culture with both Asian culture and Japanese culture.
3. How would this program help you?
It would help me understand more thoroughly the struggles that non-native speakers of English face, and I hope to learn from this experience on how to teach English to non-native speakers, such as myself even. Also, I really wish to be able to go to Japan one day for other opportunities to teach at language schools. I think that an experience like this one will most certainly help me in my application in the future, considering that most language schools often look for native speakers of English. So, I hope that proving that I had qualify for a short program like this one, I might also qualify for a longer program in the future.
Besides that, this program allows me to get a short exposure to the Japanese culture and to Japan. I think I�d be able to learn so much by simply being there and trying my best to help others and to absorb the whole new experience that I am going to have there. For me, every time I have gone to somewhere new, like when I first went to Europe for a short holiday when I was 14 and again to America last year -- these experiences have totally changed my life. As short as the trip to Europe was, it made me realize that life is more than what we see each day and there is so much more out there to be lived and experienced. In the same manner, I think if I have an opportunity to see Japan, not as a tourist especially, the experience will enrich my life even more to see what it�s like in a highly developed Asian country. Ever since I was a child, Malaysians have always been exposed to Japanese media without knowing that it is Japanese. Japan has always been that elusive country that is either �expensive� or �very advanced� and �westernized� yet still very much Asian like us. So being there, I might actually learn more about Japan and well, form my own opinions about it.
4. What are your hobbies and interests?
My hobbies include writing short prose, web page designing and editing music videos. I think they are fun to do especially web page designing and editing music videos. I don�t think I am esthetically gifted but I am a visual person and so I enjoy putting together nice looking pictures and video sequence to make a story out of it. Also, I enjoy listening to music a lot as well as going for concerts. The one thing that music does to me is that it makes me passionate about life. It gives me ideas and spurs me to want to promote and market these bands I love. So, that makes me very interested in the music industry both here in America, back home in Malaysia as well as in Japan. It�s very frustrating sometimes though, especially when I can�t do anything about my passion. I wish one day I could start an event management company that would arrange concerts for Japanese bands to play in Malaysia and America and vice versa� But that�s really just a dream.
5. Are you applying for Plan A or Plan B?
Plan A, please.
6. Any further comments to support your application?
I hope this program will enable me to actually see Japan as Japan is. Reading about Japanese culture and Japanese cities and places can only get me that close, or well, that far, to Japan. I believe that one cannot truly come to experience a culture without actually being exposed to it. I think I love Japan with an admiration of a foreigner who doesn�t really know Japan like the Japanese people do. While I don�t think a week in Japan can ever make me truly understand Japan, I think this first step is a good experience for me to begin to learn about this country that I truly admire for all its beauty.
On that note, I do admit that the aspects about Japan that I love are often the more �traditional� and �historical� aspects. Sometimes I wonder if it�s just a blind beauty that I am in love with. So I think that if I had an opportunity like this, I could see it for myself if Japan really is what I want to believe that it is like.
glad u all like megumi. i like her too. so anyone else fantasizing abt Haido, go f off... hahahahah damn i am mean. but anyways.
was thinking abt life. kinda feel bad, shitty, etc. about the future. damn i am still riddled by alot dreams i want to live and part of me hasn't given up on the music industry yet. And this time i might be dreaming even more. How about cross cultural stuff? huh? why not? we bring bands into America and bring American bands into other countries... ahh impossible elaine, impossible, not yours to live.... sigh...
anyways, Adeline for you i will upload Hyde's song, though i'm surprised you can't find his song around. But i will go upload it here later so you can download it, or anyone else who wants it can download it. Makes me don't wanna change the song on my blog then, which i do, i kinda wanna change it to Asian Kung Fu Generation........ YEAPP!!! i am damn listening to alot of their songs lately.
well anyway, tell me waht to do... You know that L'arc en Ciel book i said i bought for Paul as a Sayonara Towa (goodbye forever) gift? well it got it liaoooo... it looks damn nice and oh man..... haido was just perfect in there. But anyways..... da thing is taht what i wanted to say to him i also already written it liao... that means i can give it to Eri to pass it to him any time soon..... BUDDEN....... Karen, my bro's girlfriend *waves to karen when she reads this*, she told me to keep it and give it as an early Christmas gift or something.....
I want to do that.... but what does the connotation of that mean? I mean i dun mind giving it as a farewell forever thing and also a christmas present..... I think i did spell it quite clearly in the letter "SAYONARA TOWA" at the end there..... he should get the meaning of it right? So there's really no harm in giving it to him as a christmas present right? except it means i might have to call him again in December after not calling him for more than a month. (cause he's not called me back that fucker)
sigh u know what? no i am not giving it as a christmas present. I am thinking too much abt a guy who doesn't even give a fuck abt me so elaine, let's not waste any more time, enery or heart.
sayonara towa.
alright... i HAD TO redesign the page for Megumi... i dunno... i found this pic the other day and i had wanted to use it for awhile now but i never did... so i thought since hyde *heartbreaks* posed with THAT girl, i thought i'd put megumi's pic up... Of course Haido sure loves Megumi and THAT girl is just in the movies.... I really hope so and I really hope that Haido is indeed really happy in his marriage to Megumi... right? i mean.... ahhh i guess i just really wish and hope to see something really awesome and perfect and absolutely happy really really happen in real life for once... cause that is just absolutely awesome.... =)
FUCK YOU HYDE GO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCKING HYDE GO DIE. THE only fucking reason why i dun watch Moon Child though Hyde is awesomely cute there was cause there's a love interest in that movie and i fucking avoided it cause I
DO NOT WANT TO SEE HYDE WITH ANY FUCKING GIRL BUT MEGUMI OISHI oh fuck u and today i found a stuppppppppppppid. not just A but couple of fucking picture of the new movie haido is in WITH HIM AND ANOTHER GIRL!! already the other day i found that pic with him and the girl on the piano and he's fucking looking at her so fucking adoringly FUCK U HYDE DON'T U DARE LAY EYES ON ANY OTHER GIRL THAN MEGUMI MAN!!!!!!! FUCK!!!
AND THEN TODAY! i find a SERIES of pictures!!! HIM AND THIS GIRL LAUGHING TOGETHER!! AND THEN HER RESTING HER HEAD ON HIM!! AND THEM TOUCHING HOLDING HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK YOU HYDE GO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW CAN U DO THAT????????????????? T_T make me cryyyyyyyyyyyy BREAK MY HEART!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHY MUST U GO FUCK UP THE FUCKING GREAT FUCKING FANTASY COME TRUE WITH YOU AND YOUR WIFE BELOVED MEGUMI WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU GO FUCK OFF HOW CAN U DO THAT?!!!!!!!!!! MY poor heart!!!!!!! just when i thought nice stuff happen in real life !!!!!!!!!! i mean SURE it's just a movie BUT STILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!! FUCKER LAUGHING WITH HER AND SHIT LIKE THAT!!! LOOKING AT THAT GIRL LIKE THAT!!!!!!!! AND SUMMORE HOLD HANDS!!!!!!!! AND THEN I SAW ONE WHERE HE HUG HER!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
arghhhhhhhhhh i soooooooooooooo sadddddddddddddddddd
FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
haihhhhhhhhhhhh
fucking heart broken now.... Dah lah my life is like shit, thought can be happy seeing Hyde and Megumi looking so pretty and so cute together........... NOW WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! FUCKING HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DON'T YOU EVER DARE FORGET MEGUMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OHHHHHHHHH MAN MUST PUT MORE picture of MEGUMI EVERYWHERE!!!!!! neutralize those fucking pictures of him and THAT OTHER girl, WHAT THE FUCK. FUCKING HATE THAT GIRL FOR FUCKING UP MY FUCKING PERFECT PICTURE OF HAIDO AND MEGUMI SO CUTE TOGETHER SUMMORE...... WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!! LAY THE FUCK OFF YOUR HANDS OFF HAIDO!!!!!!! HE IS FUCKING HAPPILY MARRIED WITH HIS WIFE MEGUMI AND HIS BABY SO FUCK OFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
argh!
*sigh*
sakit hati aku. wtf.
ohhhhhh man i am gonna fucking edit all those pictures and fuck cut the girl out of the fucking pic. AND WHAT THE FUCK. Summore Haido was normal looking and not like the style he was in the movie....
fucking hell lah. i hate that girl lah. why the fuck must she disturb and ruin my fucking fantasy of Haido and Megumi??? why must they pair him up with someone ELSE??? movies are suppose to be like fantasy, but fuck lah... Haido's life is fantasy enough liao... DUN NEED IT TO BE ANYTHING ELSE!!!!!!!!!! FUCKING HELL LAH HYDE HOW COULD HE DO THAT???????? DON'T U LOVE MEGUMI?? i mean, wasn't she your dream girl???????? fuck lah, i hope that she still is like she was to you and WILL ALWAYS BE LAH... just cause u got her and married her and now ur married to her, shud never change the fact that in your eyes she's the most beautiful one right???????? fucking hell lah....... fucker why must u even pose with another girl??? u shud have just said no!!!!!!!!!! i mean U DO NOT HAVE TO U KNOW! how would ur wife feel? with u an some other girl??? her heart will be broken u knowwwwwww!!! sighhhhhhh
sorry... i need ONE MORE pic to wash away all the shitty after taste of those fucking pics of hyde and that girl fuck.
THERE MEGUMI
FORGET HER AND DIE HYDE WHAT THE HELL
MORE MORE MORE!!!!!
There........ THIS is the way that it MUST BE....
HYDE AND MEGUMI!!!!!!!!!!!!
GET THAT PEOPLE?!!!! GET THAT!!!!!!!
first "piece" in months.
further down the spiral
the sunlight and the ocean wide. it's too much of a temporal bliss to ever should have been considered as something that is lastable.
damn, like everything else in life.
Perhaps it's in the heart that you choose to share that will always be risked being seared. Perhaps the giving of yourself is never as easy as you think it is. or at least, it's never as simple.
and tonight may never shine if you never open your eyes.
But are my eyes open now?
And i want to believe.
It was in the sunset, the sickening evening sun as i sat with her, my heart could not tell what i really meant. it has been retarded lately being unable to set itself right on something.
But there we sat and there i looked at her. A part of me didn't feel like saying anything. Zetsubo, i was taught a couple of week before, the essence called disappointment, and i wasn't really sure what i really felt.
but part of me, a tiny bit was hurt, enough to wanted to sever all ties- because sometimes, maybe i too was capable of doing something like that.
But yet, there as she sat, like we did the many times before over the past few weeks, and i remember so many other times past that we did the exact same thing-- and i remembered the fun i had-- and i remembered that. and I knew that I loved her too much to just say fuck it all. and i wish this would not have to be our last.
Life always has other plans.
I could hear them sing "do you sleep forever or burn alive"
But looking at her, there, i could not... sever all my ties. i knew i liked her too much-- i loved what we had too much to just say goodbye.
But the siren sings doesn't it. and the siren sang.
and it hailed an end.
the end of something, my brother once wrote too many years ago. and as the dust settled on the asphalt, and the car stop, like many times before, only perhaps, a little different this time.
I guess i'll miss you. Actually, i would. Actually, i already do.
And all the starbucks and coffee beans in the world would not light up a moment that is passing by. nor bring back all the rest of the moments that are already gone. And tonight may never shine, i keep this heart right next to mine.
And i'll miss you.
I was thinking about the fragments and pieces of my heart wrongly translated kokoro no kakera. And i was wondering how i could compartmentalized all my feelings. for him, for him and for all the rest of hims that i feel like i like.
then there was you, and it's true that i value what we have... or shall we utilize the past tense here?... more than i really do like any one of those other guys, save perhaps... the unnamable. for i am unable to articulate his name.
and my thought fragments.......
At the edge of the rest of your life, at the end of the one way road, i was losing everything.
further down the downward spiral we fall on and on and on and on.
i wish...
and a memory of what it felt like (to burn on and on and on and not just fade away)
and the streets of Los Angeles wipes down in dirt, your Santa Monica roads light up with fog and mist through the 405, we in the Valley would never really know what it's like. but the cars pours on upon these freeways from moment through moments. like time/life that never really stops, that never really dies even if the heart fragments a little bit more... slowly but surely fading into the ocean where the fire burns and stops...
Good morning america. but it is a little sad to know that there's really nothing to wake up to each morning here in the land of the free.
Ride the waves and whispers the moments that you wish for and want to come true but know that the sands of fate and life and time and all that shit that prevents you from your heart is slipping by and pinning your longing and your wishes and fuck, your happiness upon a dying tree that is collapsing from the stupidity of something greater that you are just so damn incapable of controlling.
To hell with you and all your friends...
is the answer?
no elaine, it's not, that is not the phrase to use to be strong.
tonight may never shine if you never open your eyes.
it's always a good song but never one that is good to sing.
A dying Keith was once asked in his dreams by the god-like Tim "so how does dying feels like?"... and he replied, "it feels like a good song man..."
this feels like i'm dying man, but shit, keith, where the hell is my good song?
sasai no kotoba ya nani genai shigusa de hokorobu omoi wo tada tashikametai boku no uta kanashii kao shite setsunai furi shite kie yuku omoi wo tada sekitometai kyou no uta yamu wo no matte iru no sa.
fragmented ideas into many pronouns, come stop it, you're not making sense now.
We are the ones that make you laugh forget about your troubles Live in peace, pain and regret And forget all your troubles We are the ones that make you love When you have no one at all Yes we are the ones that make you laugh Yes we are the ones.
we were yelling through the streets and I�m out of my fucking mind.
the tail end of a burning bit. celebrate the dying of the light as we stood there beneath the skies. it is true that i am happiest when i am with my friends and the loneliest when i am alone in my bedroom and i was happy then while we were still there. the words of "i don't think we can hang out any more" and the reluctance in your voice and in your eyes and in your face when you can't give me even a little of your time.
But of course, i won't ask what you cannot give. and i guess that's our difference, that you can live without me and i, will have to learn to live without you.
but while the time we had, arigatou, for it all... i had fun... and i felt happy that i had a real friend i could hang out with... i guess even if it's just for now. And i guess it's okay and you're right that it's your problem that you have to solve and i wish you luck as you had wished me luck... and.....
hey, don't forget to call me sometimes....
you know how i feel, and i'll be waiting for your call even if you've not called for a year or two or more... though i hope it would only be for the next few weeks and nothing more... i don't know.
heart is on the floor why don't you step on it.
fireflies flashing at the end.
i want to end. i want to end.
and the stoplight goes once more. the song ends and i remember the sunset we saw suddenly.
i don't think there will be any more of it...
at least not with you and me.
I may never come to understand japanese. But it seems now as if my heart understands the fundamental difference between Ja mata and Sayonara.
welllllllllllllll.......... today. hm.
sad?
i dunno.
OH AND GUESS WHAT?????????? I THINK I LIKE PAUL A LITTLE LESS NOW!!!!!!!! ok, a little, SUKOSHI... BUT AT LEAST IT'S STILL PROGRESS!!!!!!!!!! I think me buying that book and that whole sayonara towa is helping me alot to let go of him!!!! ahhhhhhhhh i think my plan to give him that book through Eri might fail cause he probably won't take it and i'm scared of eri asking questions..... budden......... I MUST! for complete "i am over you"!!! ahhhhh I MUST. elaine elaine...... listen to dear Nate beloved, "I WILL BE STRONG!!!!!" yahhhhhhhhhh!!! be strong! BReathe in for luck.
sighhhhhhh
i wanna get over him!! WHY am i even holding on????? There's nothing to hold on to!!!!!!!! *sigh*
elaine no baka....
daigaku no shinbun no shigoto ga hontoni hontoni kirai desu.
summimasen have not updated for a whole week...
anyways...
I guess there are a couple of thoughts...
1) The Weekend.
a) Norika.
Had a good weekend this week. Went out with Norika the whole of Saturday. She's REALLY nice. Met her on campus on Friday and told her abt the whole Paul thing and so we went on on Saturday and had a 3 hour chat over lunch. It was really nice. Then we actually went back to her place and put on make up! yeappppppppp. Such girl stuff don't you think? see a friend depressed and then together u go put on make up to cheer up. But you know, this was the first time i actually ever did this before... How tragic. Ain't this suppose to be like HIGH SCHOOL stuff?
b) Aya and Santa Monica.
Had a good day with Aya in Santa Monica (tho it reminded me a lil too much of Paul)... Anywaysa, we actually star spotted that japanese actor from Last Samurai!! hehehe... Aya actually saw Brad Pitt and Keanu Reeves before in Santa Monica... hehehe... so all you girls.... GO MOVE TO SANTA MONICA! =D
c) One word... no... one picture...
Ok... that's not for me ok... I actually wanted to buy it for Quang Lin before... but it was expensive back then (it's still expensive now but i got it anyway cause it was technically "cheaper")... But since quang lin treated me like shit, fuck her.... Budden again Paul also treated me like shit but Paul ga suki desu, so fuck it, i got it for him...
Actually i got it, and i'm not planning to give it to him personally.... I'm probably gonna call him one of these days.... as norika adviced... and gonna see him break my heart again... then i am gonna sever all my ties (i hope) and give the book with the CD he loaned me back to him through Eri... his friend whom i know.... tho i am not that close to eri. and then hopefully my heart by then will be ready to say sayonara towa... goodbye forever. hmm.
d) FUCK MY STUPID JOURNALISM CLASS. IT CAN GO FUCK OFFF. FUCK U AND FUCK YOU TOO!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!
Ok, obviously i am very angry. actually i am more hurt and worried and fucked than angry.
But good point to this all is that with a stupid excuse called being a fucking reporter, my friend Luis might be able to get me an interview with TAKING BACK SUNDAY, this friday, i really hope it can. Not only would i be able to interview them but hopefully writing a TBS concert review, a TBS CD review and a TBS interview = 3 articles = 3 less articles to complete so that i can PASS THE FUCKING CLASS.
done. leave your comments.
btw. go check out the band Northstart. I think i just dated them and no matter how when else i listen to their songs it's always gonna remind me of the idealisms and the hopefulness of last spring......... damn!
Now that I�m certain,
There�s so much more to gain.
I am a little depressed to say the least. i guess maybe that's why it's good that i have alot of work to do in school. maybe i should stay longer then i won't need to idle at home.
I just feel that i wasted my life. taken alot of bad turns and ended up somewhere not where i want to be. I wrote an email to my journalism teachers and one of them told me to go where my passion lies. But there's also the thing that it's already too late sometimes, and mistakes made for too long cannot be reversed.
Truth is that life is not like a good Jimmy Eat World song. There is a reason why people aren't happy. There is a reason why some people, if not many people, are doing things that they don't want to. Truth is that passion is easier imagined than lived and dreams are easier made than realized.
Are you gonna live your life wonderin'
standing in the back lookin' around?
Are you gonna waste your time thinkin'
how you've grown up or how you missed out?
Things are never gonna be the way you want.
Where's it gonna get you acting serious?
Things are never gonna be quite what you want.
Or even at 25, you gotta start sometime.
I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine.
I wanna fall in love tonight.
Are you gonna live your life standing in the back looking around?
Are you gonna waste your time?
Gotta make a move or you'll miss out.
Someone's gonna ask you what it's all about.
Stick around nostalgia won't let you down.
Someone's gonna ask you what it's all about.
Whatcha gonna have to say for yourself?
I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine.
I wanna fall in love tonight.
And although the song is exactly how i feel tonight, you know what? even if i did hear a song I know... it's not gonna change anything.
You know, i'm at the point that i don't even want to dream about living my passion. I feel right now that all i want to do is derail my life so it won't end up where life is pushing me into mediocrity. I still want my life less ordinary, you know, dammit i still want that... and i'd be sure as hell more ready to put a gun in my head than to find myself caught in rush hour KL traffic next summer on my way to some half ass bummed out work i don't even like but just have to have cause fuck, that is the way of life.
"I just can't understand why things can't be normal at the end of the half an hour. Like Brady Bunch or something."
"Cause here Mr. Brady died of AIDS. Things just don't work out that way."
"It's just that I always thought i was going to be somebody by the age of 23, you know."
"Honey, the only thing you can be by the age of 23 is yourself."
"I don't even know what that is anymore..."
and iTunes is playing a song that i know... unfortunately the omen rings, New Found Glory's Downhill From Here.
indeed.
gun to my head.
cause really, if you're not happy for the rest of your life, you're really much better off dead.
and that is another New Found Glory song by the way.
depression sucks.
why do i keep hoping when there's no hope left. why can't sever with a clean cut instead of leaving this hanging useless limb? why can't i seem to embrace reality as it is. why do i keep going thinking otherwise. why do i always think maybe. why do i even want maybe? why can't i get over? why don't i just dissapear?
don't you know? i wish to know you. but i guess i won't ever have the chance. one more for the book of lost.
kyoo no haido no shashin! =D hehehehe
man i have at least one pic every day man!
Anyways, it's haido Live! hehehe... LEST we FORGET he's actually a singer/songwriter/guitarist and simply ALOT MORE than just a pretty face!!!
heheheeh...
anyways... ashita wa nihongo no tesuto desu yo!!!!!!!!! *sigh* GOD I PRAY I'LL DO WELL FOR THE TEST!
shinjou no kokoro
[excerpts]
.....but anyways, i'm still quite depressed about it. and heart broken. I can't seem to hate him. I mean, i get angry at times but in my heart of hearts i still wish he'd call me. (he told me to call him sometime. but i won't i guess). But i just feel that kinda defeats the purpose of me having told him anyway.I told him only because i was too sick and tired of myself liking him and not knowing what to do and not knowing what he feel exactly. I just hate the feeling of helplessness. I guess i'm just not a person that can stand waiting. I just need to know, to fulfill or to destroy. And i guess i just wanted to do it and get it over with. And i did. And in some ways i did get it over with. But in some ways, i'm still wanting him.... which sucks really.
I mean, i called knowing no way he'd ever say yes anyway... but i knew there was a splinter of wish in me that he would and it was REALLY painful in many ways when during our conversation after i had confessed, the realization hits and you realize that "damn, he's saying no and that's all there is to it elaine. you can't force him."
So well...... i guess i am still trying to recover. I wish i could verbalize completely how i feel. I wish i knew completely how i feel and be honest with myself about my truest feelings. At least then i'd be able to find my peace, and my closure. I just don't like it when I myself don't want to face the whole truth about my truest feelings. always such a hindrance from growth and evolution. But something's just stopping me from trying to uncover my heart. And i guess that's why i just don't understand and i am still hurt and heart broken, and wishing...
[excerpts]
NEW HAIRCUT!
SELF POTRAITS
and an attempt to arrest a feeling i can't understand.
kkkkkkk... ANOTHER HAIDO pic cause Karen didn't like the previous one =P
here here... i wish i had more hyde pics but erm, not all pics he look 100% my cool/cute type wut, so i dun save them all... also i know abt him late.... so alot of the sites also gone liao =( *haih*
for u Karen...... Hideto again yes.....hehe...
kawaii desu ne, in this pic! he looks so cute... hehe... cute in the way like a lil boy..
here's his wife, Megumi-san... less we forget he's married! woooooooooooo so cute concept that such a cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute guy like him is someone's husband!! heheeheh... makes him so matured... hehehehe ^^
Megumi-san! Haido-sa perfect girl! hehehehe cuteeeeeeeeee!! kawaiinya! ^^
it's not a lie if you believe me, it's no mistake if it's always repeated.
one more month till days away, i feel like i could wither.
i wonder if there's a word for sad and depressed and feeling hopeless and lost. all rolled into one. i know that the japanese don't have a word for "miss"... isn't that just amusing? their only equivalent is "i am so lonely because you are not here." dat's miss for the japanese.
SO! do we have a word for sad and depressed nad feeling lost and hopeless... I wonder if the japanese have since they are quite a tragic culture.
