ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

I wish you never knew my name.... then it would be so much easier to let you be and just say my goodbye somewhere there- in...

Days Away at Chain Reaction

So... lack of updates... But still. i was waiting for the DA pics to arrive cause my camera died. yeah. DIED.

Well.... i guess i'll just chronical what happened. Michelle got here late, so we got to Chain late too... like 6. she got another friend Diana to come along with us for the show... then we just sat in the parking lot in the car cause Days Away don't go on till 9:20pm. Days Away were out too, saw their van but we saw them to out eat when we were driving by Chain.

Michelle..... nice pic no?

But anyways, so sat around, talked, did an interview with Diana for my Race Class.

me interviewing... i look so fat, messed up, ugly, i hate my smile... sigh.

Halfway interviewing her, I saw Tim walking by, so i was I was in kinda a happy mood, so i wasn't that shy to open the door to actually call him, and I did, and he saw me, i waved hi and he said hi, took him a moment to recognize me, but he was on the phone so I just closed the door and went back to my interview. Was kinda hoping he would come over and he did, he walked over and I opened the door again and asked him how he was, good and stuff like that, and then I asked him when the new album would be out, he said "september"- too damn long wait i complained. Then he asked "Hey you wanna go say hi to Keith?"

OF COURSE, DUH, OF COURSE.

And so he took me to their van =)

Funny that Tim would just mention Keith cause everyone else was in the van. We were introduced to the new keyboardist, Mike, i think... And then Tim took me to the van and told them "guess who's here" and then i went and I saw Austin, and I said hi and he said hi... But Keith was like WAYYYYYY on the other end of the van but as always... damn keith why must you always say my name that way?! and with his slanted smile and that soft sparkle in his eyes he said "hi elaine.."

DAMNNNNNNNNNNN.

ANYWAYS! So i said hi and I got to talk to Austin for abit cause Keith was on the phone and I asked Austin why the heck is he so quiet and Keith was like "cause he's weird," hahahaha... I <3 Keith.

me at the van, talking to either Austin or Keith... sighh keithhhh~

Anyways... Austin and me talked abit but then he had to leave so he left but another girl wanted to talk to him so he went to talk to them. The girls were michelle's friends and I found out that one of the girls, Tiffany, used to date one of the guys in the band but he's not in Days Away anymore. But so they got chatting and i went back to Michelle's car and stuff...

After awhile i went to get the CD from the car to give to Keith... But fucker was still in the van... sorry keith, i'm just really pissed u never came out. BUT ANYWAYS, so i had to interupt Tiffany and Chris' conversation just to get Keith the CD through the driver's window and keith didn't even noticed (cause he was talking to Mike) till Mike pointed him to me and he saw me and he took the CD and damn, can't stay mad at him for long cause AGAIN, he had that smile on his face, that soft sparkle in his eyes and that cuteness in his voice when he asked "what's this?" and I said "British bands I told you about," and he said "oh cool" with a smile and I felt i was interpting Chris and Tiffany's conversation so i just left and after that i became fucking depressed cause I felt like i was such a pest to them and such a fucking groupie.. Really hated myself and felt depressed for the next 3 hours till Days Away's set came on.

I was "kinda" cheered up i guess... Cause we got to the VERY FRONT of the stage cause not many kids were there, so i was like 5 inches away from Keith's legs again (it's awesome to be fans of small bands i tell ya!), but anyways, i was there with Michelle and Days Away were setting up. I didn't want to look at the stage too much less they think i am an obsessive freak fan (which i am) cause if i can, i always seem to be there and that's abit stalkerish, no?

ANYWAYS. So i only looked at the stage whenever michelle did... and one of the times during set up, Michelle and i were looking at them carrying equiptments on stage and Keith walked by and towards my direction so he saw me looking up at him and he gave me a smile =) *insert heart melting here* And so i smiled back... *sighhh* *insert heartache here*

So anyways, Michelle then tells me "see, Keith likes you,"... then i told her, "I just feel like I'm annoying to them," then she said to me "no i mean it... How he looked at you there, I've never seen him look at other fans like that" (hmmm Michelle are you sure??? Cause to me that's how Keith always looks unless he's preoccupied) And I said to her, "Are you sure?" and she was like, "Yeah, like Tiffany, she's like REALLY close to the band but he's never once looked at her that way," and i was like "nah, u sure? cause i always feel like I'm annoying them or something," and she tells me "no you're not! The way he looks at you, it's like 'you're cool with him' you know? Like it's not like he thinks you're hot or whatever, but i think he really appreciates you being here for them. I mean you have to remember you're from another country and they've never had that. And i think he appreciates having you around silently. Not like one of those annoying fans who's like 'oh, you're going to the van? lets go together,' or 'oh, you're going to the venue? let's go together' or 'oh you wanna go eat?'. So you're cool with him."

I really wish she was right. I mean... i really don't want to be mean and annoying to Days Away... And I always feel I am... I'm gonna try to stop hounding Keith but it's just that i really wanna talk to him... Although after the show, we got to talk to Austin quite abit, so I guess if Austin can be talkative, I could always try to talk to Austin instead... Like, i wish i had time with Keith... DRUNK Keith, and have him tell me stories again. heh. what happened to all you had to say?

*insert reasons why elaine loves keith here:*
How he says "hi elaine" with that softness/cheerfulness that is so damn cute that just makes everything alright... and then as he says it and as he talks to mewith that soft sparkle in his eyes when he looks at me with that curved smile on his face...
and i absolutely love it everytime he talks to me, cause he seems so fucking interested.... and i swear when he looks at me, i know his mind is not wandering somewhere else and i guess that's why i like it when we talk one on one, cause when he looks at u and when he's listening to u, u know that he's really listening
*insert wishful thinking wish here**please lemme talk to keith tonight, God please, God*

The show was awesome and all that! OF COURSE! they played like 2 new songs, 4 songs from LSDEP E.P., and Keep Your Voices Down.... YES, they scraped all my favourite songs DAMN U! but still I love their songs... keith's always so sexy on stage when he dances, wuahahahaha..

Chris doing his thing... and he's damn good at it. He looks like he's half alive but on stage he's a real nutcase! heh.

Austin and the new keyboardist... i forgot his name lah!

two words for Tim and drums- FUCKING AWESOME

-nuff said-

But anyways... after the show we hung around abit then when the whole band was out of the van (michelle and her friend candy wanted to firebomb the van cause they were all just STUCK in there).... I had alot of chance to talk to keith but i just didn't dare to interupt him so i never did. But anyways, we went to talk to the band cause Michelle wanted to ask them the name of the new song after they played Fight. She asked CHRIS... like i said! everyone's buddy with Chris but i say if u really catch Keith at the right moment, it's great fun to be with Keith!

Anyways, i bought keychains from MALAYSIA for them when i was in Malaysia in december, so I gave Chris a keychain, then I gave one to Austin, and I got a BIGGGGGGGGGGG TIGHT HUGGGGGGGGG damn....... Austin, argh....... eh seriously tight ok?! could hardly breathe! summore so warm his chest wuahahahahahahah... ANYWAYS! then Tim came and I gave Tim his keychain and had to explain to him waht the picture man (it was a kampung nelayan)... And then we got talking abit and told him about the shows me and Michelle wanna go to- San Diego and Denver and hope we can. Then he actually brought up my trip to Florida last November and he said it was a fun trip then... And I told him I felt bad! and he was like "pish! why?!" and i told him how they already had so little place to sleep in that crowded van i still forced myself into it! And he laughed and said it was cool. It was all fun.. Which is cool that he brought it up first and said it was a "fun trip we had there" cause in November, Tim was the only one i didn't get to talk to and APOLOGIZE about me barging into their van and i felt i didn't get a confrimation/closure from him!!! Then i told him i missed them and he said we missed u too--- RIGHTTTT DAMN KEITH WHERE IS HE THEN??? FUCKER!

ANYWAYS, Tim actually went to the van to get the van key so he could put the keychain on it! So woooo! Days Away van keys have Malaysian keychain on it! heheheehhe...

So after that, Tim went somewhere else and I went to where Austin was talking to Candy and Michelle, and so I was there and Austin looked at me and thanked me for the keychain again and he said "are you sure you really want me to have this" and I was like "OF COURSE ! what do you mean!" it seems that i said it like i didn't want him to.

But anyways we stood there more and talked. I felt like a dumb blonde (sorry for the stereotype) cause they started talking abt books and Austin reads a shit lot and he asked me what booked I read last... I couldn't think of the title.... I was reading mythologies but never thought of it... haihhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

But anyways... the highlights of the whole thing with Austin that was sweet was cause, he, Michelle and Candy seemed to have alot of stuff to talk abt and erm... i always don't... cause something they talk about seem to be on some American pop culture stuff and I am a lamer at that... But the sweet thing was that everytime i got really silent, Austin will turn to me and ask me specific questions---- awwwweeeeeee *hugssss* *kisssss* heh ;)

Also well... heh, halfway through a conversation, Austin took my specs/glasses and said "how bad is your eyesight?" heh, and it was so odd cause i was just commenting to Michelle during the show how CLOSE Keith was but i couldn't see shit without my glasses on. And so, Austin took my glasses and put it on!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *dies happy*. And he said "okay, this is real bad." HECK! Then michelle says he looks the bomb with the specs on! wuahahahahah... And we got to know that Austin is far sighted, and i am short sighted-- DUH, dats why so bad ler!!! what the hell, since he can't see near and I can't see far!

ANYWAY... we talked for quite long then Austin had to go but we said "see u" at troubadour tonight (Wed).

I never got to talk to Keith cause he hid in the van (FUCKER) sigh... mabbe he was sick, he didnt' look too chatty... but fuck would i know cause everytime he did fucking look at me or talk to me that's always that cuteness and excitement in his voice that i can't fucking resist and how he looks at me with that soft sparkle in his eyes and that half smile... fuck! how can i NOT be in love with him?! SHITE.

SO i went home depressed.

Fucker, Keith, I better fucking get to talk to u on tonite, because i am gonna be sitting here in 24 hours in a pit of depression if i didn't get to! and I will NEVER forgive u for that!!!!

Until of course, i hear your voice on the radio... or when we meet the next time and you say "hi elaine" to me again in that fucking cute/sweet/happy voice and i get all mushed up inside again.

fuck keith, i swear.... i really need to forget you.... i really need you to never remember me the next time i see you-- don't ignore me if you still do, but please ignore me if you don't. please. i need to say goodbye to you so i can leave without regrets and without feelings that linger on in nothingness.

sigh.

why God why? why that night at Troubadour. why couldn't have Austin been the one there instead? then i'd never have met Keith. Everyone says that keith is anti-social, like Candy who knows the band like wayyyyyyyy know cause she let them sleep at her house before when they were REALLY SMALL band, and Michelle who's also known them for like years-- keeps saying he's an anti-social... But u know, every time before, Keith has always been real awesome to me... The first time, he was wayyyyyyyyyyyyy beyond awesome, we were strangers and shit, he was in a band i adored but he never made me feel like a fan- and the second time in Baltimore, he was fucking awesome, remembered me, actually came down from stage after the set to give me a hug and a kiss and REMEMBERS that Knows My Name was "my song", third time at Palladium when he didn't come down from stage but later i was pissed and I insulted him when he said "hi elaine" and i told him "I'm glad you remembered my name" real sarastically and he was like "what?! of course i do!" and signed my CD with "keith loves you" fuck shit, how can i not love him???? and then the whole florida trip, he knew i felt real weird and stuff but he was still really nice to me, when he saw me "hi elaine. happy birthday," and then when he went to get food he asked me if I wanted go with him, and then we talked and then at the diner while we waited for his food he actually paused and wished me happy birthday again with a hug... and i mean... i never did ask Keith for a ride in florida but somehow, him or/and austin actually talked it out and let me ride with them in their van and that's really awesome they did that, you know... and i guess, i love you keith for being all that...

ONLY TODAY at fucking Chain he was fucking shit. or at least. i just didn't get a chance to talk to him. or didn't have the guts to go talk to him when i could cause he was there with some people and with some other fans. FUCK! =( Least memorable keith day.... sigh... was the worst in fact cause i didn't get anything from him, but at least i got a glance from him on stage no? does that count? FUCK! he should have fucking acknowledge me if he saw me no? sigh... no, keith never does that. ever. Takes a bullfight to get his attention on stage. sigh.

This is the OC

GUIDE TO GUYS OF DAYS AWAY:-


Tim - Very approachable, very casual. But don't expect Tim to stick around for long conversations =D Something to do with either short attention span or over enigmatic personality or alcohol or all three! I think you can talk to Tim for a long time, and for serious conversations (probably involves music) but my interactions with Tim so far has been very friendly but brief cause he seems to have a million friends around everywhere all the time, and you can only always get a fraction of his time before he has to jump some place else.... that's my take anyway.

Chris - Approacable. Joker. hahahahaha. no, seriously. Out of the whole band probably Chris generates most jokes and you can joke around with him alot. Of course you can with the rest of the band too but Chris, i think he can be really fun to talk to cause he's also a very casual person.

Austin - Austin.... hmmm.... The quieter one in the band but if you give him time, you can have very long and deep conversations with him. I think if you strike up a good conversational subject with him, you can get pretty far more than the rest of the band because i must say, of the whole band, Austin is the least distracted, especially after a show.... Before a show.... hmmm... i've had more than one occasion where he has said to me "sorry, i need to go do something inside, but i'll be back out," And if you ever hear that from Austion, be sure to take note tht his 'be back out' means AFTER THE SHOW. But after the show if they are not many fans around, Austin is the one in the band u can get a substantial conversation with.

Keith - Hmmm.... Quiet but socialble (wha-?) But that's true.... I think Keith is quiet but if you really want to talk to him about music or along those lines, you can really get alot out of him. Just remember, MUSIC is the keyword. Like Nate (of Finch), I don't really think he's the antisocial type, i think if you catch him at the moments when he's not overcrowded with things, and if you talk to him about music, you can actually talk to him quite abit. But i guess, if not douse with substantial amount of alcohol, you sometimes do need to work on Keith for a conversation- or even to start a conversation. Key thing to note about Keith also is that, alot of people want alot of him most of the time also- so he's always out and about and alot of his time is demanded of him from alot of people. And not just that, it's like, everyone know Keith, you know, and if there's anything up with the band, Keith's always the one that they go to for final decisions. So basically, he's a real busy guy- and perhaps, he'd like abit of time on his own too--- and I think Keith is also someone whom you can be extremely close with if he knows you well- but he's someone who's also quite moody (I THINK) and you really have to play by the time. He's the type who at one moment can be your best friend that you don't realize that he's also a very reclusive person who tries to keep an arm's length to anyone he's not absolutely close with. (yeap, termasuk aku)

BUT IN ALL- if you ever meet days away, whichever one of the FIVE, just go up and say hi and they're the one band that will NOT bite your head off. I've heard of people in some bands who are really mean to fans, but believe me, Days Away is not one of them- Ask them anything and they'll be more than happy to talk to you because you liking their music and actually enjoying yourselves at shows mean more to them that you'll ever know...

Cause like we were talking to Austin and he asked if we were going for the Troubadour show and we all said "OF COURSE!" and he was like "that is awesome... you have no idea how much that means to me."

And often you know what? Really really don't know how much it means to them.

[PLEASE VISIT THEIR SITE FOR TO LISTEN TO THEIR AWESOME SONGS]

Shit, it's Days Away tomorrow. I'd be lying to you if i say i don't care. Truth is that i care too much- about them....

And i need my closure because i need to leave America. And i don't want to leave America with regrets knowing i am leaving some things/some one, I don't really want to leave.

And I'm listening to their songs again and it dates these periods of my life-

I need my closure... and elaine I really hope i can get my closure from Days Away because i really want to love them for all they are- a really awesome band.

And maybe i can one day remember in bliss that although I may have had Tim's phone number on my cell phone, they're still always going to be the band, and I'm always gonna be their fan.

I had a dream about Days Away the other day where they didn't remember me. I hope tomorrow, they won't remember me- it would be so much easier to say goodbye that way knowing that they're still the band and I am still and always will be their fan.

Please God... give me my closure tomorrow- I need to be there in their mosh pit and be unaffected.

God! let me smile again!!!!!!! Oh man!! Their songs are just so amazing!!! i just wish there was no image, no attachment that comes with those brilliant sounds!

Keith, let me forget your name.

yes..

let me forget your name.

then i'd know what to say.

<3 always,
elaine....

quote of the day

elaine teh: not everything have closure

dunno if i should laugh or i really shud cry and take note =
*sigh*

E	Exciting
L	Luxurious
A	Arty
I	Intense
N	Naive
E	Exciting

hontoni???? Actually, shit, it is quite true... hahahahah... except the Arty part... shite, i only try to pretend i am, except in essence, i really am not!

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I was looking through some other people's blog through that Petaling Street Project thing, and i realized that I'm really unsuited to be a good journalist. No it doesn't have to do with writing. Yes my writing still sucks but it's a skill you can work on. It's just that my whole personality just don't suit it. Why I don't think I'm gonna be a good journalists?

1) I don't read enough- nuff said.
2) I don't think enough- critical?? Analytical?? NOT ME!
3) "Curiosity is the essence of a good journalist."- I failed THAT part of the class! crap.

I just don't think i have what it takes to be a good journalist. I don't like to read up on stuff, i hate books. I don't even know what the hell is going on in every day news. I have no idea what's the latest event and you know what? I don't really mind that I don't know about it. Then there's the critical thinking part and the reading part- I was reading through this girl's blog http://a.holeinmyhead.net/ and especially this other girl's blog http://n1kki.frens.net/ and all i can say is OH MY GOSH! what the hell is THAT?! All these theorists and philosophers and thinkers, whom i have heard of, of course (thanks to my wonderful brilliant brother and some classes I had to take), but though i've heard of them, i really don't know what they're about and don't think if i picked up a book they wrote, i'd even UNDERSTAND what they wrote! I just feel soooooo stupid and shallow, which of course.... I AM! what the hell... I feel like a failure... not a total failure of course but in relations to what i should know or should be knowing, I am a failure...

Sigh... i guess it's time to get off the rocks and start reading more before my brains really shrink into a pea and my head becomes an empty shell.
NO, i can't be an editor either for the simple reasons that 1) my grammar sucks 2) i don't keep up with the latest news and thus have an abolutely shitty judgement as to what is newsworthy and what is not newsworthy!
AHHHHHH why the hell am i in this major???
~sigh~

thoughts today:

Rurouni Kenshin once again!!!

Okay, like Inuyasha, I really solely like the Kaoru/Kenshin pairing and i really cann't stand any other. The prob about Kenshin, like the prob with Inuyasha is that well.... Kenshin had a wife before... HELLZ. Like i said, i don't mind Tomoe (Kenshin's late wife), just that i don't like to see them together!!! wuahahahahahaha... i know she's dead and all that but i really can't bear it!!! That's why i don't reread the whole Memory/Revenge Arc in the manga and neither have I watched the Tsuioku Hen OAV. TOO HEART BREAKING... but anyways... i was looking for cute pics of Kenshin and Kaoru together and shite!! i came across this pic of Kenshin and Tomoe from the Tsuioku Hen OAV!

And all i have to say is that FUCK! they NEVER FUCKED! i mean not NEVER, cause they were married and all that even though it was out of convenience and she was there to spy on him.. but FUCK! they NEVER FUCKED!!!!!!! NOT FUCKING SHOWN ANYWAY!!!! SHITE!!! NOT EVER NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! THIS WAS NOT THE "IMAGE" fucking Nobuhiro Watsuki NEVER INTENDED IT!!! FUCK! NOOOOO!!!!!

THIS was the only thing Nobuhiro Watsuki showed in the manga and that's was it!!!! FUCK!

THEY WERE NEVER SHOWN FUCKING!!! NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!! URGHHHHHHHHH!!! SURE they DID sleep together but FUCK YOU! it was NEVER SHOW!! URGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i wanna go wash my brains so i can FORGET IT ALL!! FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!! ARGHHHHH!!! my fucking heart!!!! sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
elaine.... does it really matter???
FUCK YEAH! FUCK YEAH.
FUCK YEAH!

NOW THIS is fucking cool. LOOK, they're so damn cute! LEAVE THEM BE! FUCK SAKE! ~sighh~

-YES KENSHIN KAORU, THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD BE ALL THE WAY- FUCK YEAH.
Other Kenshin Posts
06/14/04

my mood: Taking Back Sunday - Your Own Disaster

eh... wait for the button below this to load to listen to the song! =)

Just think of this and me
as just a few of many things
to lie around
to clutter up your shelves
And I wish you weren't worth the wait
because there's some thing's
I'd like to say to you...

I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
Cuz I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing

I dare you to forget
those marks you left
across my neck
from those nights when we were both
found at our best
I could make this obvious,
And you, you could deny me,
and in one breath
you could shrug me off
your shoulders...

I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
Cuz I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing

Hey, lush, have fun
It's the weekend
Hey, lush, have fun

Hey, lush, have fun
It's the weekend
Hey, lush, have fun

I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing

Just forget me
it's that simple
Just forget me
it's that simple

LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels

There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;

Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:�
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all�
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?

Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?

I am no prophet�and here�s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: �I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all��
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: �That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.�

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor�
And this, and so much more?�
It is impossible to say just what I mean!

Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous�
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.


Damn... TS Eliot still defines alot of how i feel... And I guess alot of my philosophies of life was built upon this poem (about sexual inadequecy by the way!)...

Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:�
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;

Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?

Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,

And ever since i was 15 when i first read this poem, i guess i wanted to live by that... I didn't want to measure out my life with coffeespoons... to be so ordinary, so mediocre... So do i dare? Do i dare disturb the universe? Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis? To just disturb the order of things and walk up to the guy and confess what i feel... to have the strength to force THAT MOMENT to its crisis because if u wait for it to happen, i will NEVER happen.... And then to have bitten off the matter with a smile? To have squeezed the universe into a ball and roll it toward some overwhelming question.... "should i call him?"... "should I not call him?"

oh! It is impossible to say just what I mean!

Almost, at times, the Fool.

i say fuck it all....

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

Kikyo warns Inuyasha not to bring Kagome with him to fight Naraku cause it's a trap... so she'll go instead... But Inuyasha tells her NO. Inuyasha tells Kikyo "i can't protect you... " that is why he don't want Kikyo to fight Naraku..... So Kikyo gives Inuyasha a scared arrow to give to Kagome instead. THEN Inuyasha tells Kagome truthfully that he went to see Kikyo cause he wanted to know how Kikyo was doing. Then, he gives Kagome Kikyo's arrow. Then when they're going to fight Naraku, Inuyasha tells Kagome "whatever happens, don't worry, I will protect you."
SHOULD I BE HAPPY????
Cause KNOWING Inuyasha, he probably said "I can't protect you" to Kikyo in a guilt stricken way cause he failed TWICE to protect her life. Did he mean it that way? Or is did he just reverse what he said in Ep 48 where he promises Kikyo, "I will be the one who protects you from Naraku" and now he's saying he can't and since he tells Kagome "I will protect you", technically by default, he has chosen Kagome instead?????

DAMN MY JAPANESE! what the hell did Inuyasha mean?!

where's your spunk girl?! shite.

was happy today. teacher for editing class told me last nite for my Hellsheet i handed in "personally, if i could give you a 10 out of 5, i would. Very detailed." I liked thattttttt
then today, teacher for race class wrote on my sightings paper "Wow. one of the best sightings i have ever read."

i am such a sucker lah... But midterms today, and i pray i will do well lah. So susah... summore seems like very little work to study for but i shud have reread my editing textbook but i didn't and i feel sleepy now... sigh.

Anyways, Kai Wen pasted this to me... wuahahaha.


THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO THE TOP TEN RULES OF MEN

10.) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Please pick one.

9.) Crying is blackmail.

8.) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you mad, we meant the other one.
-hehe..

7.) If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

6.) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5.) When you have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really, you look fine!!!

4.) We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
- awwwwwwww... i like this one.... cuteeeee <3

3.) If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

2.) A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a doctor.

1.) Tell us now what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! We'll do it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!
- hontoni, boys no baka... SERIOUSLY.... geezz... DENSE I TELL YOU DENSEEEEE!!!! TO SAY THE LEAST!!!

My conclusion is that guys are less evolved, that's why they're so dense.... and girls are too evolved, that's why they're so complicated.... so my take is that THIS is a REALLY BAD MIX. no?

Fuck you and fuck you too

PERnant Ian: u know that japanese guy i went out with
PERnant Ian: i am so pissed off with him
ROBvgb: ?
PERnant Ian: why do i let men control me like this??
PERnant Ian: u know waht?
PERnant Ian: i may be fucking ugly
PERnant Ian: and i may NOT know shit about relationships and make up anf fuck not
PERnant Ian: but i believe i have experienced more "life" than he has
ROBvgb: haha
PERnant Ian: it's like he keeps talking about liking UK alot cause he finds america a joke
PERnant Ian: yet when i asked him "are you gonna go there one day?"
PERnant Ian: he sdai "no"
PERnant Ian: and i asked him why and he said it just won't happen
PERnant Ian: then he tells me about this girl he has liked for like 5 years
PERnant Ian: and i asked him "so why dont you just hook up"
PERnant Ian: and he said "it's one of those that won't ever happen"
PERnant Ian: this guy is an engineering graduate from UCLA
PERnant Ian: and finds school EASY
PERnant Ian: finds mechenical engineering a laugh
PERnant Ian: and what does he do for a living?
PERnant Ian: he's answering phonecalls at a dental office
PERnant Ian: i mean
PERnant Ian: WTF?!
ROBvgb: so you don't like it him then I suppose from your tone?
PERnant Ian: NO!
PERnant Ian: i like him
PERnant Ian: but u know
PERnant Ian: now that i am 75% over him
PERnant Ian: i really wanna call him out and give him a piece of my mind
PERnant Ian: i want to tell him that you're right, it's bullshit when i said to you sometimes i dont feel like trying to be beautiful because I am so far behind
PERnant Ian: but u know
PERnant Ian: i feel that your excuses for life are also bullshit
PERnant Ian: if u loved fucking UK enough you would do whatever the fuck u have in your capacity to GET THERE
PERnant Ian: as for that girl u like
PERnant Ian: ur just being a coward about your fucking feelings
ROBvgb: haha i know
PERnant Ian: i say "fuck it all" and life is about fucking TRYING
PERnant Ian: just fucking TELL HER YOU WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER
PERnant Ian: fuck that "scared of losing our frieendship" crap
PERnant Ian: so u would rather sit and watch her fuck another guy???
ROBvgb: honestly i really dropped that before I left last week
PERnant Ian: what the fuck kind of a shit is that?!
PERnant Ian: i'd rather have tried and killed our friendship along the process, than at the end of the life look back at the one guy i truly loved and SIGH
PERnant Ian: what the fuck is a SIGH???
PERnant Ian: AND THEN!
PERnant Ian: he keep saying he's too fucking "old"
PERnant Ian: and he can't use his "looks" to his advantage anymore
PERnant Ian: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
PERnant Ian: he's fucking cute to me!
PERnant Ian: he's still fucking goodlooking
ROBvgb: sounds like kinda an ass though
PERnant Ian: SO MAYBE he's not as fucking great as before
ROBvgb: maybe
PERnant Ian: but he's still fucking great!
PERnant Ian: what the fuck kinda of an excuses is backing down on life when u still have it??
PERnant Ian: and he told me
PERnant Ian: cause i was conplaining abt how i can't get what iw ant in life sometimes and that frustrates me...
PERnant Ian: but i meant it in the way that if i had TRIED ALL I CAN and I still cant get what i want, then i'll be fucking depressed
PERnant Ian: and he told me
PERnant Ian: "of course you can't get all that you want in life. Otherwise i would have a had a girlfriend by now, or been an actor, or be in a band "
PERnant Ian: and now thinking about it
PERnant Ian: u know what?
PERnant Ian: the fucking reason why he's single is cause he never tried
PERnant Ian: the reason why he is not an actor now cause he waited for TALENT AGENTS to SCOUT him and he didn't GO GRAB LIFE BY THE ASS
PERnant Ian: and the reason why he's not in a band cause it's that he didn't believe and didn't want it BAD ENOUGH to be in one
PERnant Ian: he says that he loves playing the guitar but just can't bring it to a professional level cause compared to someone who practices 8 hours aday, he's nowhere close, and he doesn't want to practice 8 hours a day.
ROBvgb: i really wanna talk to you about this
PERnant Ian: But i've seen people in bands who DOES NOT practice 8 hours a day
PERnant Ian: but they're still fucking living their dreams
PERnant Ian: NEVER STOPPED THEM!

I might be fucking backing out of my plans to go to the Grand Canyon this weekend. Yes i hate fucking sleeping bags but it is my fucking choice and i know what i am doing. But i fucking hate it when people whine about not having opportunities when they're the cause of their own misery and loneliness...

You live you learn. You die you learn. I know that even if i am fucking shit ugly and dumb thus far, at least i have fucking lived and done shit i never thought i'd do because i fucking forced myself to whether for better or for worse- At least i have fucking lived and i have fucking learned than to talk about knowing stuff but don't.

My expenses to UK might have been paid fully by my dad but I wanted to see my favourite bands and by HOOK OR BY CROOK i did all i could fucking do and grabbed the ass! I wanted to fucking get Finch and TBS and all that bands into Malaysia and i did all i fucking could and i went as far as to open my own fucking COMPANY to do it because i thought that i could! I fucking wanted to work in a record company bad enough to fucking jump on California when an internship came up and though i got rejected three fucking times at least i fucking tried over and over again till i lost my love for it. And I may not be fucking educated about make up and fuck not but I fucking tried my fucking best and hauled my ass down to Torrance even though i didn't even know if he was there and I fucking called him up even though i was setting myself up for failure but fuck u know what? at least i gave it my BEST FUCKING SHOT. What the fuck did YOU do?

So don't come tell me about life and tell me that i am not good enough cause i fucking did something with my life and not sat down and moped. I do fucking mope but when i want something bad enough i always fucking did it no matter how much it fucking scared me and how much i knew i was gonna fuck it up.

So fuck you and all your bullshit- i don't say it out of hate because seeing you now in my head it makes my heart softened and i can't bring myself to hate someone i actually like and probably pity. I could have fucking shown you the world u were too shit assed to fucking seize but you traded it all in for something so fucking stupid...

so fuck you and fuck you too- i fucking tried and i might have fucking failed with you- but at least i can say that for myself- what the fuck can YOU say? "it's just one of those things you can do nothing about"- fuck that bullshit because it's bullshit because you didn't love it enough to fucking love it to death and FINALLY ACTUALLY know that there IS NOTHING LEFT. you just let it wither not knowing if could have ever grown. So fuck you and fuck you too- your life is what it is today because of all the things you did, and most of all because of all the things that you DIDN'T DO.

So don't go blame life for not giving you shit when you never even fucking tried. You may NEVER get the girl and i may never get the guy and i've NEVER gotten the guy and i hate that shit- But at least i can say that i fucking did all i fucking can and too bad, it's not fucking mine to have. What the fuck can you say for YOURS? You would have never known cause you never tried so don't go around and fucking blame life cause that is what YOU CHOOSE. you chose to NOT DO.

Don't expect life to give you the things you want on a silver platter. If you really love and want something bad enough, you go and fucking grab it as much as you can till it's all smothered in flames. Because if you have done that, at the end of the day you still DO NOT have what you loved so much, you can rest assured that, you know what, it was NEVER meant to be. But at least you can rest assured that is the truth. You may NOT yet know what is installed for you, but you know for a FACT what is NOT meant for you.

If you've never even TRIED. what the fuck then can you say about life? You don't know shit about what your life is meant to be cause you never tried shit! You won't ever know what the fuck was meant for you cause you didn't even try anything BADLY enough till it's gone to eliminate the fucking options.

At least the fuck i know i was never meant to be with you because i fucking tried and fucking failed. At least i know i was never meant to be with the 10,000 guys that came before you because i fucking tried and i fucking failed. At least i know i was never meant to be in UK cause i never got there. But at least then I know i am meant to be here because i tried this one bad enough and it worked out! And at least i know i was never meant to be in the music industry cause i did all i could to the best of my capabilities and interest and fucking failed. DOOR SHUT AND SLAMMED. But at least i know that i was meant for something else.

What about you? You don't even know what you're meant for.

Life is what you make of it-

At least i DARED to dream. AT least I DARED to reach for it. At least i grabbed life by its balls and rode my dreams to wherever they brought me, even if it all came crashing down, at least i caught and rode the waves. What about you? You're still reading the tide wondering.

ARGH fuck me. i should go to grand canyon no? who know-- i guess i just don't want it bad enough.

Ahhh!!! I'm sorry but i just have to complain about my asian american studies class. i mean i really like the teacher and all that... but seriously, around 11:20-11:40 everday i feel like shooting myself in the head cause he keeps going on and on and on about some points that I just wanna scream "OH MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN FOR THE MILLONTH TIME!!!

ARGHHHHHHH it's very frustrating u know!! i mean alot of stuff he says are relevant but the point is just killed after the 20th repetition of the DAY seriously, seriously... it's really like being strangled!!! arghhh!!!!

Anyways, mid terms tomorrow... pray i do well lah... sigh.

i'm thinking of you. should i be? i don't know but i am. i am.

so why am i like this?

God knows. I swear i was born normal. i still think i am. but what is normal anyway, you know what i mean?

I didn't have a mind till i was 12. then i learnt too much. thanks to a genius for a brother who told me everything i needed to know about thermodynamics, religion, screenwriting, sociology, literature and everything else in between. then when came the time that all my peers started seeking stuff like that, i fell in love. haha! damn.

And i think these days i just don't see the point in thinking anymore. I look through blogs and i see some 15-year-old who is tremendously talented, interlectual, radical and ambitious and i get intimidated... But you know what? Looking back in retrospect, I was like that too... minus the talented part, i still think i can't write for shit.

And these days i just think that i missed out on the fun part of being a young, carefree teenager, you know. I never got to make myself pretty and had boys chased after me and shit like that, i never had my rebellious stages up at night drinking at 16, i didn't have all that.
Instead i was worrying about the future 10 years in advance if i was going to live my life less ordinary or not and if history would ever remember my name.
but you know.... looking back now at it all... do i regret? I dont think i do, but yet... maybe i do.
In the end all my plans came to naught. You know what i mean? Ok, but for the fact that I am in southern california and i got to see 99% of all the bands i had once wanted to see... besides all that....
I don't know.

I once asked a friend what his philosophy of life was about... And he told me that his philosophy of life is not to philosophize about life because he'd rather be doing stuff and living than to be thinking about living-- and i say that was an absolutely brilliant answer that i really have to take to heart.
As Blink 182 puts it- "Sometimes I sit at home and wonder if she's sitting at home thinking of me and wondering if I'm sitting at home, thinking about her or am I just wasting my time wasting my time thinking about a girl?"
And i feel that applies alot to our philosophizing ourselves to death about the meaning of life. For goodness sake! You're 16! You're 18! The meaning of life and the secrets of the star will not be known! As is not meant to be known at 18! At 16, at 18 you're suppose to be young and joyous and loving and care free! Not let your mind be bogged down by abstract thought that there is never really a concret answer to! And even if there was..... So what?! Does that make your life any happier? Any much more fulfilled??? So much more.... meaningful? The answer is no! It will not be!
And you know what? the meaning of life will never be known by sitting in your room thinking about it... by the time you realize it, you know what? the millions of opportunities that has knocked on your door that will show you and become to you the meaning of life, will by then be lost and wasted...
and in the end of the day all you will still be is a naive 18-year-old sitting in bed thinking about ellusive things that you can never grasps or understand because it was never meant to be thought out but to be lived.

so go out boys and girls and come on feel the sun- the day is waiting for you to be embraced. You are young, and you are free and this is the only time in your life you can truly say "there is so much more time"... and certainly there is... the grave awaits us yet so let the sleeping dogs lie. The meaning of life and and life beyond lies far ahead of us-- so don't get so caught up in it. You will only tend to be more confused.

I have found out that i had learnt more about life- by having lived it. I find myself a more wholesome person, a better person, having done things that scared me, having dug myself out of my shell and forced myself to do things that i don't feel like doing-- and in the end, although i may have learnt alot from those years of learning about myself by thinking, i have learnt much more about life and my place in it, by living- than i could have ever, by just thinking.
because at the end of the day, you could have philosophized till you have blown your mind, but yet, you're still there lying in your bed with the same four walls around you and still not grown an inch in life-- or you could have just say "screw it", stopped thinking just once and just done it, and you will not understand or know why the heck are you lying there in the middle of Grand Canyon with a bunch of people you don't really know- but hell, at the end of your life in your deathbed you could say "and i've known it all..."

and that, my friend, is what life is.

or at least to me, that is what really is the most important.

yo yo yo yo yo!!!! Lookie!!!

Lecture ELEM JAPANESE I Graded 3.00 Enrolled
11:00AM 11:50AM Mon,Tues,Wed Sierra Hall 221 08/23/2004 12/17/2004
Instructor: Hirota,Akiko

HAPPY HAPPY ME!! I GOT THE CLASS!!!

BAH! i know it's ELEMENTARY japanese but for me it's a GREATTTTT FEAT!!!!! ASK SATOSHI! damn i can't say the damn sound "tsu" correctly!! and u know what? I STILL CAN'T! =

damn lah, i also wanna take Mandrin but i can't overload so much credit in one semester!!!! Plus, it's gonna be a redundant class if i took Chinese... only for the sole reason of INTEREST!

so today went to my host family's house for Father's Day! I'm soooooooooooooooooooo glad that they liked the gift i bought for them, Cheryl for Mother's day and Ed for Father's Day! And i'm really touched that Cheryl offered herself for me to talk to if i needed to talk to someone when i told her that i was abit depressed over a boy, etc.... haha! I actually did want to ask her stuff... so maybe one day i will call her out...

Anyways... So yeah, i thought that it was a good day. I was kinda worried about Yoshi, i still am but i have to stop myself from calling him and do that tomorrow instead. Cause i was kinda scared he'd feel out of place. Because sometimes even I feel out of place. But i thought that it'd be nice to bring him to Ed's place... Cause in Satoshi's party few weeks ago, he had indicated that he would actually like to have the opportunity to speak more English... But most of his friends are Japanese and there's not much chance... So i kinda felt that day that i wanted to make it my mission to try to maybe ask him out to stuff that i do if I go out with Americans.... why i wanted to do that? erm... cause at the moment when he said it, he sounded vulnerable and looked so cute... hahaha! damn i am a sucker for guys who pour their feelings out to me.... hahaha! But yeah... i didn't tell Satoshi about me wanting to take Yoshi to my host family's place today... I even asked for Yoshi's number through Joe... cause after asking for Paul's number from Satoshi... hmm....

But anyways, i prayed about it before i left that he won't feel out of place and hopefully we'll all have a good time. And it was awesome today that for the whole time, we had Jordan hang out with us so it won't be just me and him all the time! Right from the begining, like when we just got there, Jordan asked Yoshi to play a game of pool and they ended up playing three, which was cool cause at least Yoshi got to talk to someone besides me!!! It was really God's help cause usually like when i do go for their family gathering, usually sometimes Jordan's always with some other friends and i'll kinda be left alone... so i was glad i had Jordan with us THE WHOLE DAY... and i do mean it THE WHOLE DAY. He was SUPER HYPER!!!!!! Dunno why! i mean he's always hyper but today he was just SUPERBLY hyper!!!

Anyways, we kinda watched TV actually most of the time... We were in Brian's room watching some movies he made and edited which were really cool! One of them was of this interview he did with me! and i was in it!! arghhh!! i was the laughing stock! =\\ Am i such a court jester???? But anyways.... towards sundown, the whole bunch of us went for a walk to feed the horses with carrots and we had some fun there... and then when we got back, Ed's family left and Ed, Andrew, Jordan and Yoshi had four games of pool. Which i thought was cool cause heh, at least Yoshi was having fun, no??? Anyways, Yoshi taught them some Japanese! How to say "SHUT UP", "WINNER", "LOSER" and "I LOVE YOU" hahaha! cute.

anyways... then Jordan for the 10th billionth time wanted to go watch Dodgeball... and Cheryl and Ed relented and when Steven came back from work, we went to see Dodgeball at the Wenettka Theaters... OH YEAH!! and while we were going there, Yoshi got a call.... and after he got the call, I got a call and it was from Satoshi, and I told Yoshi and he told me that "yeah, Satoshi just called me too"... hmmmmmmmm!! I tried to avoid telling Satoshi i was at the theathers tho!! cause ALTHOUGH I DON'T UNDERSTAND JAPANESE, i sure as hell understood the word "wenettka" when Yoshi was talking on the phone!

So yeah, that was my day!

Have to call Yoshi tomorrow... I really hope i didn't put him in an awkward position! it really wasn't my intention! Maybe i'll ask Yoshi if he wanna go out for dinner sometime this week, but i wonder if he'll misunderstand. although, heh, he is quite cute no?

But i mean... don't want mixed signals right??? cause well =\ I did bring him out to meet my friends and not even Satoshi, cause i don't really know Yoshi either, u know...

AHHH!! it's so hard to read Yoshi... sometimes, i really have no idea what he's feeling and what he's THINKING!! and sometimes... it's ALL THE TIME!

me and jordan!! he's an awesome kid! he's totally animated and very very comedic!!! He is so damn hillarious!! Ed was talking aroun with Andrew and him about bars and pools... and Jordan said "I've walked into a bar once... and i said 'ouch',".... geddit???? hahahahahahaha... hillarious!

Yoshi!!!!

sorry... dats the best i could do! hahaha stupid camera ran out of batteries!

QUOTE OF THE DAY: I'm sure you would want those things in life to make you better than bitter right? -Cheryl-

oh man... i was looking for a friend's blog when i came across this in someone else's blog:

Name..Daniel Lim XXX XXXXX
Age..14
Status:alone!
B'dae..3 May 1990[Taurus]

1990?????

wtf!!!

1990???????

that's the FRIGGING 90s man!!! 90s! wtf!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean.... 90s!!!!!!!! WTF!!!!

1990???? and they're already TEENAGERS!!!

WTF!!!!

I FEEL OLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLD!

Things I Usually Do When I am Bored... meaning ALL THE TIME:

1) Reread some Kenshin chapters.
specifically books 1-8, book 18, chapter 182/183, book 28. sometimes other stuff. or the whole thing if i really feel like it.

2) Reread some Inuyasha chapters.
usually all over. whichever plots i feel like that day.

3) Reread some Ranma chapters.
usually those to do with Ranma and Akane's relationship. book 26!

4) Chat.
whoever's online.

5) Ebay to buy stuff I don't need.
erm... anything from old coins, charms to anime and some manga. me thinks.

6) Amazon.com to buy books i don't need.
mythologies. i love them.

7) Watch old anime.
Kenshin, Inuyasha or Witch Hunter Robin- those are my fav. Sometimes something else.

8) Go look for anime/manga to download.
ONE SHOTS! or some shounen stuff but those are so hard to find in complete and they're so big the files. but sometimes i want some ass kicking so i'll get me those instead.

9) Write email.
ha.

10) Watch Court TV/History Channel/Sci-Fi Channel/Cartoon Network/Discovery Channel.

11) Make websites.
they're lying around here and there...

12) Write stupid things like this.
nuff said.

Deconstructing Alan

Have you ever loved something so much that the only way to let it go was to destroy it?

I guess sometimes you need to look for things that you don't want to see and in hopes that in seeing it your eyes will be opened and revealed and you can finally see Truth as it is, and reality would shine through the bullshit you have constructed around it, around him.

And don't message me asking me who's alan because alan is all those that have come before you the people you could never loved but you did and you fucked up and you held on and you couldn't let go and you wanted to grasps for that moment of reality that never came or always came to late for you after your heart has been jaded and you don't think you can breathe anymore if a breath is not taken with him.

And you look through the pages looking for a glimps of him but all you ever need is just that one glimps. And i need something to tell me it wasn't real and he wasn't as beautiful and i want to grasps that moment because the moment ic omeing too late. I want to see the ugliness and the reality of it all to see him as it is but i know that the moment won't come just yet. I just want to know, want to forget. want to have never met. but who am i kidding?

Maybe just maybe he's not as beautiful as i thought him to be then maybe it's so much easier to let go of a moment that i held on for too long.oh are you not the history of all my mistakes of all that i did and could never make it. could never fake it. but i'd rather have faked it if it meant that i could have had one more moment with you. I would never sell my soul but by gosh, i would have so very sold myself.

And all these stupid words now to capsulize a feeling i can never capture, not in a moment, not in a picture. that i would never find, oh God please let me see him again. God please. that's all i ask of You. Just one more time.

I have to love till it's ruined then i will love no more. Because that's how i've always been and i want to crush all that is beautiful till there's nothing left and i can't hold on anymore because there is nothing left to hold onto. but that is how i love in my destructive ways but i need to know that i tried all that i could and i have burnt the remains till the ashes smothers away in the wind, blown and gone and gone and gone and gone.

but God just please give me that one more chance to ruin this all. please, just that one more chance... so that i can let go, so that i can seek is face no more. that when i see his picture, my heart will not skip a beat, not my breath run out on me. I want to let go, i want to let go, i want this to be gone, till there is no more.

I need it to be so. i... want? it to be so.

perhaps, maybe, the moment will pass and the pages will turn and one day i'll see his face as it is- and i will see that there's nothing really to hold onto, there is really nothing so special about this boy. it was all for the night- it was all for the night- there is nothing special- and i will see it as it is... but God right now...

i'm waiting, i waiting till it's over....

it's over now?

Been Listening To: Pedro The Lion remake of Hymns... and HYMNS in general!

My friend Luis had told me to check out Pedro the Lion like months ago.... never did... heh... was searching for hymns to download on iTunes the other day and found that they (he actually) are a erm... Christian? band! I mean he remade some really cool hymns... and smack in the middle of one of his "secullar" album there was "Be Thou My Vision"! so i think that's awesome! I was looking for the hymn Amazing Love but didn't download any in the end cause couldn't find a version i liked. But turned out that Pedro the Lion had a version of it! There was even a version of Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel! Very cool! I love those hymn! So he made: Be Thou My Vision, Amazing Love, Come Thou Fount, Fairest Lord Jesus, Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel. Cool ain't it??? I think it's cool anyway =)

-pedro the lion.... only the guy on the left is left in the band-

Anyway.. went to the mall today cause i had to buy a father's day present for my host family. I'm gonna go over to their house for a barbecue party tomorrow... Gonna bring Yoshi along. I'm making it my goal to get him to mix around with more Americans... hmmm i should speak for myself but still. He wants to learn english and i will do my best to force him out of his shell.

So anyways... bought Ed some card holder, and Cheryl for MOTHER'S DAY, got her a rose thing, i think it looks nice, i hope she likes it... it looks so fragile. hmmm.

Anyways here are pics of the mall... Oh yeah and then i had to WALK BACK... I actually MANAGED to get to the bus the very second it LEFT. I was just too embarassed to catch it.... So i walked back... maybe i could lose weight, but i doubt it. He told me i should walk more. But then i don't want to remember what he said. so nevermind. But i bought beef and bean burritos for dinner although i don't feel like eating, so, so much for losing weight!

the mall inside. looks small... haih from 1 Utama to THIS... but oddly enough they have more cool stuff I like here than ANYTHING 1U can ever offer... except the FOOD part on the new 1U annex

outside the mall.... i think this is the north end.

southern california no? ahhh one day this dream will be over and i'll see this no more =(

Southbound towards Santa Monica Mountains

Northbound towards Santa Susanna Mountains

dats why we're the VALLEY.

i swear this is gonna be the lastest fad... all the big stores have them... JC Pennys, Macy, Sears.

sigh... i still love Inuyasha...

oh well... i still do really like Inuyasha... i keep looking at all their artworks and there's something really beautiful to Inuyasha that drew me into this whole mess and still appeals to my jaded heart even now... no? Yes.

Something that makes the story still so pure in my heart that makes me remember just last year when i got interested in all these stuff... something beautiful, something very pure i guess... I have no idea how to say it but it's just that feeling that i had back in december and everytime i look at the art work, i still remember that first feeling... and that just makes my heart calm and makes me remembered why i love all these to begin with...

hehe... inuyasha and kagome.... they were the reason that drew me into Inuyasha to begin with! cause they're so cute together sometimes =) I love their friendship/relationship! it's cute and it's hillarious! exceptionally very heart warming and that's what I love about it... Rumiko Takahashi knows just the right thing to put into the moment that always leaves your heart all mushed up and melted and leaves you wanting for more! =D

a typical day in the life of Inuysha! that's why i love them soooo much!!!





Kagome!!! She's so cute... i love her... hehe... I really love her character because of her love for others andher capacity to see the best in everyone!

Inuyasha! and rameeeeeen... what the heck.

depression and anger sucks

i'm running out of sympathies

fuck you and fuck you too.

sigh

life no baka

can't even go out and get drunk and have fun.

what the fuck.

that's all i fucking ask for and i can't even get that fuck. stupid asshole. fucker.

and there may i though vile as he wash all my sins away

Happiness is to know the Savior,
Living a life within His favor,
Having a change in my behavior,
Happiness is the Lord.
Happiness is a new creation,
Jesus and me in close relation,
Having a part in His salvation,
Happiness is the Lord.

Real joy is mine, no matter if teardrops start;
I've found the secret, it's Jesus in my heart!


Happiness is to be forgiven,
Living a life that's worth the living,
Taking a trip that leads to Heaven,
Happiness is the Lord,
Happiness is the Lord,
Happiness is the Lord!


I miss the worship sessions at MPH... God i really miss that... All i want is to sing these songs to God, i feel that maybe i can get through this without lying to myself. but i just have nowhere to go, go church here? It's just so different, so empty in a certain way... pew warmer, i've become a pew warmer.
God forgive me. i don't mean to become waht i have became. i really don't mean to be like this. God You have to believe me.

see i just said something mean to ching mun cause i am angry... she can come and ask me "how did the date go with Paul" i mean WTF?! have i not given enough hints on where the hell to go to get information on THAT? and if it even went remotely well, i would have effing wrote an email WTF!

i swear God i didn't mean to be like this... and i just want to be there again... what is wrong?

happiness is?

i wish u were here. i know u are. why am i so far away? can i crawl back?

i feel like eating.

i want to be.

gone.

somewhere else.

i remember the places.

i'm sorry.

but sorry is all i can offer.

i just want to feel better that's all and i swear i'm gonna be nicer person.

i'm just mean when i am sad and depressed and angry.

sorry.

sorry God.

i want to be there again. in the soft light. when i loved you, when i actually showed it. when i felt something. when i was there. when i was there. when i was there. when i was there and i was happy. i was so happy then, there.

i'm sorry.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that�s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of shit
On my liar�s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

fuck.

Hello....Hello...Ahh Crap!!!! posted on Dec 03 2003 by: matt

I dropped my cel phone in a bowl of soup last night. Completely submerged. It still works but smells a little funny now. I call it the minestrone-phone.

SLAYER!!! posted on Feb 17 2004 by: fred

Tonight was one of the greatest nights in my rock history life. Being a West Chester, PA native, I was blessed to have gone to Bam Margera's house, where I saw Slayer ('THE' Slayer) play to a small audience in Bam's backyard. That's right, I saw Slayer play in a backyard. Even if you don't listen to Slayer, that's still amazing. I don't know what else to say...SLAYER!!! I can die happy.

little silver heart. posted on Feb 24 2004 by: adam

not that it's all that important, but i got the sweetest parking spot tonight. you see, it is always nearly impossible to find parking by my apartment..impossible. the thing is i am a smoker, and my roomate isn't which leaves me making frequent outside trips to indulge. during these, 'meetings' i like to call them, i stand on my stoop looking at a street full of cars and none of them are moving...not one, i take that back, there was this purple toyota that just moved yesterday after a five day adventure in mocking me with it's good luck on finding a place to sit idle legally. anyway, i always drive past my apartment before i go down any other side streets with my fingers crossed offering up my health in exachange for a night where i don't have to make a six block trek home, dont get me wrong, six blocks is not by any means far, just inconveinent. and who wants to be in an inconveinent situation, honestly. so i'm driving by my apartment and, oh another thing is there is always always always a space almost big enough to fit my car but not quite directly in front of my apartment...yeah...that has nothing to do with what i am about to say but hopefully it helps with getting an idea of the level of frustration involved. so i'm driving ny my apartment and i tried to pull into the spot that i knew was to small but..."maybe just maybe..." (..see i knew it would tie in...) when i finally accepted the fact that i would not fit into the spot that i knew i wouldnt' fit into in the first place i hung my head in defeat only to lift it up and see a spot across the street with ample room for me to make parallel parking embarrassing...amen! sweet. so i parked then went inside. i had to tell somebody and it was to late to call, but i knew you'd be up...
so i put it here.
and that's about it.
adam.
dfc

muhahahaha posted on Oct 21 2003 by: Adam

i broke into jillian's office and computer today..that's all..
adam.
dfc.

PENGUINS posted on Nov 04 2003 by: Matt

So we did the carson thing and as you may or may not know that show is filmed in the same studio as Saturday Night Live. So our backstage room was in the same hallway as the cast members and me, being a big fan of Tina Fey (she does the news with Jimmy Fallon) thought it would be a good opportunity to leave her a love note under her dressing room door. Here's how it read:

Dear Tina Fey,
(below this is a stick figure drawing of a boy and a girl holding hands..the girl has glasses (like Tina) and the boy is holding a bass...next to it, it says "Us=Happy"...it continues)
Do you like guys in bands? Circle one YES NO.
I am in a band called taking back sunday and I think you are brilliant and beautiful and funnier than that Jimmy guy. If you ever want to hang out, call me. I just was on the carson daly show so i am on t.v. too. There, wwe already have something in common. Matt...(and I left my cel #)


I am fairly certian that she has no idea who we are and probably doesnt watch Carson so we'll see what happens.


$30.00 and fried chicken posted on Oct 02 2003 by: Matt

Hey hey hey....
badly in need of clean clothes, I found a drop off laundry place near the house of blues in chicago. A modest bag of smelly socks, underwear, and show t-shirts cost 30.00$...Is that a lot or is it me? Anyway now Im snackin on some fried chicken and waiting for Moneen to start. The Saves...guys are getting really, really, ridiculously good at Halo on X-box.....dorks.(Im jealous that they wont let me play) Chicago is freakin cold and I dont have a coat. My tummy hurts. I need a haircut. I miss my mom. and brooklyn.

I love the Simpsons. Dont go see "Once upon a time in Mexico" it was el sucko...the things that we will do on a a day off in Pontiac MI.

having a great time posted on Oct 02 2003 by: Eddie

hi everyone,

just writing to say how much fun i'm having out on tour with moneen and saves the day. tonight i had a great dinner - everything I ate was yellow. now we're watching that 70's show and having our ears measured for personal ear plugs. it's cold and gooey and reminds me of pudding. mmmm pudding. rock and roll.

Kroegers, Guns and a little bit less 56k posted on Sep 27 2003 by: Mark

So yo check it out....We were in Cinnccinnatti (?) ohio last night and me and Soundguy go to the Kroeger across the street just in time for a shooting to break out. In a few minutes there were 10 cop cars and mad thugs running everywhere. We found out later that 2 people had been killed. The neighborhood near the venue was really rough. A girl that was waiting on line before the show got popped in the face with an umbrella by some drunk street dweller. So in the future we will be touring with a highly armed team of street ninjas. (All true except for the ninjas)

well there you go that's the band i love... Taking Back Sunday, you always make me happy. always. always. i love you.

mark, fred!,adam <3, matt!, eddie

TBS! I <3 U!

btw... satoshi called. but i am fucking depressed. fuck u and fuck u too. except u tbs, ur still cool.

i feel like a bitch to satoshi. he didn't answer my call. then his cell phone is turned off. why? he usually picks up or call back even if it's 1am. did i piss him off? i feel like a bitch. i don't hate myself. i've come to realize that i like who i am and fuck u and fuck u too to anyone who don't fucking like me for who i am. sorry, but u are not the center of the fucking universe. not mine anyway. so fuck u and fuck u too. but that's just me. and i like how i am and i'm sorry if u don't like me this way cause i like me this way. not in a narccistic way but in the way that i am happy and contented with myself u know. so u know. but i do feel like a bitch sometimes and i know that i can be quite a bitch. i would like to think that i am a nice person and i try to be the best i can but i can't sometimes. sometimes when i want something and i want it now for my own, i can be quite a bitch. i can't ever be docile but i want to be nice at least u know, i don't like to backstab people or treat them like shit. i like to give everyone a benefit of a doubt and although if someone is a bitch to other people, i want to like them and try to understand them and try to see why they are the way they are and i like to want to see the best of people instead of their ugliness. I want to believe that everyone is innately good, and it's only because of something that happened to them that fucked them up abit. i believe that everyone in their heart is good. and if they treat others like shit, it's just because of some insecurity in them or something they are hiding. i don't believe that anyone is born evil and do evil for the hell of it because they are evil. i don't think so. i don't believe that. i believe that everyone just wants their own place in the world and all of them are looking for love and just want to be loved. i want to believe that.

and if i am ever a bitch to u... it's only because i just wanted something... it's not cause i want to be evil and cause u harm... and i'm just sorry if i do.

I hope satoshi calls back. he's cool and he's a sweetie... but i'm just really sorry that he's not someone that i could kiss.. damn i wish he was =( *sigh* and i'm sorry if i was a bitch to him cause i really was. he's so damn nice and here i am fucking betraying him and shit, fuck me. yeah fuck u elaine, go fucking die. fuck, fuck, fuck. if i had pills i would have taken them i am considering of taking some pills and sleep forever, maybe like a week till the 28th then wake up for days away... but fuck, already missed classes cannot fucking take pills tonight elaine, cannot fucking take any more pills... do it tomorrow night then u can sleep through the whole fucking weekend but make sure u wake up on monday morning for race class. don't fuck up again, please elaine, don't fuck up again.

maybe i should call him again... i'm depressed. ah. crap. oh well. nevermind. tomorrow elaine, tomorrow. let sleeping dogs lie.

satoshi...

you think this time that i'd be
blaming myself for this one
i've changed my mind
i can carry on

i'd trade the truth for some lies sometimes
i feel better not knowing whats going on
no one else cares enough
so i will
be careful for all of us

how was i supposed to know
how was i supposed to know

this was the strange one
this was the strange one

take what you want because
take what you want because
take what you want because

you think this time that i'd be
blaming myself for this one
i've changed my mind
i can carry on

i hope you're right keith... come back to ca soon, i miss you and i miss you all. you're awesome dudes. kind and nice or at least the times i had with the four of u were cool. wish sometimes u didn't have to be the band, but who am i kidding. i would never trade your songs for anything. please come back to ca often ok? u've got lots of peeps over here who loves u. u wont just have a crowd of 12 here. i don't think you do anywhere. because you're as beautiful now as u were back then and from what i see, u'll always be. i remember now that u checked u out the same time i did with wakefield. but i loved your songs more and now although wakefield got big and lots of teeny bopers like then, for me in my book, you will always be kicking their ass because i know you keith, i don't really know you but i know you that much to know that u will never sell out- cause if you're not doing this from your heart you won't be doing this at all. and i'll always love u for that. maybe that's what makes your music always so beautiful. i pray u won't sell out like the rest of them because i will personally go kick your ass. but i know u wont because u haven't in the past 9 years, and u have all the right friends who are already signed to major labels and connection to these labels and even had offers that u had turned down... so i know u won't and i love u that way, the music from your heart that captured mine nd i believe that has the capacity and sincerity to caputure so many others out there who has yet to grasps your beauty.
i cant wait till your cd comes out. then maybe you will get the fame u deserve and i guess at that time it will be bye bye then.
i love u days away, come back soon. and i'll see u on the 28th ok. i'll be there in your mosh pit. and i know i'll never be able to forever stand to the right of u and whisper in your ear 'i'm gonna be with you forever'. but for now i swear keith, that when i can, i will always be there for u in your mosh pit- for as long as life permits.

ahhh... going out with the cute guy tonight.... "hang out" remember, it's hang out.... i feel too overly dressed up for the occasion but the bad thing is that... i have no idea what the occasion entails u see... he said "hang out"... but he did make the effort to come all the way here... or that we were gonna "meet up" ya know what i mean? hang out to me means mcdonalds! yeahhhhhhh, or hours in borders reading manga... going for harry potter, etc... or simply sitting around watching TV... no?
yes lah yes.
I dunno lah, what if i am too dressed up for the occasion which i think i am... but u know.... at least i have my trusty Straylight Run band jacket to make me look selamba (ahhh thank heavens for band merchandize!)
God help me, God help me!!!

"gila tade life aku nih... tak tengok bola, tak isap rokok, tak clubbing, tak minum arak,tak isap dadah, iman pon tak kuat, stadi pon cam bangsat je, loser, pemalas, miskin, tak hensem, sengal, perangai buruk, isk.. abis ape yg ada..??? hmmm kosong je..."

-apik-

DAMNN this dude has the BEST Yahoo Messages EVER!!! Always damn hillarious, to the point, and yet so fundamental!!! geez!

wow! my second entry since the revival of my blog... haha!

this is Kenshin... he looks awesome here... But i think it's taken from that stupid Sayonara scene which i HATE.

Ok just wanted to say that... i like kenshin and Kaoru together. That's why i don't watch Samurai X either cause that's about Tomoe. Sorry, i know she's a nice fella and all that and Keshin loved her but too bad, that's exactly why i refuse to watch Samurai X... cause Kenshin loved her! hehehee... sorry. i am like that sometimes i guess... if i have the mood then i'll re-read volumes 20+21 of Kenshin with Tomoe in it... but no. not now.

cute no? cute..... awww... from the last episode... wouldn't have killed him to HUG HER BACK!

awwww... dang... aren't they so cute?? hehe... "the most important person to me"... yeap Kenshin i hope u meant that. however........ this scene never existed in the anime or the manga....

THIS WAS THOUGH:

Kenshin no bakaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! REAL BAKA!!!!! ***sighhhhhh*** Can't deny this stupid scene... =\

But will it be happily ever after???

real or fan art?!

haihh... why i like Kenshin and Kaoru... hmmm... I actually started reading Kenshin from some doujinshi. Yes, albeit that non-hentai ones were VERY hard to find but worth finding anyway... so dats why, i like them alot together, i started off Kenshin with that pairing.... I like Kenshin and Kaoru together cause erm, kenshin's so damn calm and Kaoru is just so scatter all about, she fiesty and angsty and sometimes I think she's too damn fiesty for my taste cause she keeps beating Kenshin up!!!!! what the hell... u don't do that to someone you like!!!

But i like them together cause somewhere after the STUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPID sayonara scene... actually i think it came during Kenshin's fight with Saitou, that I feel that Kaoru's affection/action towards Kenshin changes.... I dunno why but i feel that after that scene was really powerful cause she was damn worried about Kenshin either DYING or reverting back to the Battousai but either way she was gonna lose him... And i loved how she tries to reach out to him but he's already lost to her and from then on, you kinda see that she really can't lose Kenshin.... As to when she started liking Kenshin... VOLUME 2!!! geez... I think so... or at least Sano said she did...

As for Kenshin... wouldn't really know when he actually "likes" Kaoru... but i think, he was happy to be with her when she accepted him into her home... And i think as problem ridden the times seems to be, i think he had really hoped to live a normal life with her..... i like Kenshin's... wait.. i somewhat like kenshin's affection for Kaoru cause i think it's sweet. Kinda. heh. I'd rather have a man who verbally, one-to-one confesses to a girl "I LIKE YOU" but after all those one shot shoujo smut crap, i think that's abit too cheesy. I guess, no... Kenshin does love Kaoru but he really doesn't show it till he loses her... and i can't get how the whole SAYONARA crap showed that he cherished her more than anyone else in the group. But he does admit to everyone that she's "the most important person to me now" (awwwwwwwwww)... cute lah cute!!! And he wants to see her smile and i think that's cool.. I think why i am touched and i like Kenshin's love for Kaoru is cause like how Kenshin is, his love for her quiet but deep... and i think that's what matters...

BUT I HATE THE ANIME KENSHIN so don't talk to me about it. STUPID ANIME HAS NONE OF THAT SHIT. Kaoru like Kenshin and THAT'S IT!!! NO return of that affection or whatever... maybe like a younger sister but shit hell not a lover/wife whatever... crap... Anime no baka!!!! hehehe

oh well... they look cute together... no??? anyways... this is one of the scenes from the manga which i love... i have some manga up for download but i advice u not to download them if u want to read Kenshin cause these are all spoilers. (Kenshin's + Kaoru's relationship development is VITAL to the last arc, the second half, of the series in the manga)

remember me I'm the one standing to the right of you whispering in your ear, "I'm gonna be with you forever."

-waking up, days away-

So I decided to revive my blog.... haha. Good luck elaine, good luck.

The only reason why i don't write is cause no one reads... no?

Anyways... i'll begin with CHARLOTTE. yeap, Charlotte Hatherley of Ash... or of Charlotte Hatherley now actually.

here's Charlotte, she's damn hot! No???

Yeah Tim are you BLIND? why can't the both of you be more than just friends and badmates???? shite... I'm still going on and on and on and on about this six years later!! it's about time!!!

"It's a girl!" headlined NME when they heard the improbable news. Ash fans were divided: many presumed she must be Tim's girlfriend. - HELL YEAH! why the hell not?! Ash fans were divided??? only teeny boppers who wanna marry tim that's what! HELLZ!

Anyways, never heard of such things, but Charlotte is actually releasing her own debut solo album in August WHILE she's still in Ash... Ok, i know some people do this, but to me it's still kinda weird. And I think Ash is tottaly kick ass in supporting her... yes *squeak* Tim! You're the best! Now why don't you go marry Charlotte since you've been soooooooooooo supportive!

Lookie:


"I wrote some stuff with my old band, Night Nurse and I've been writing stuff for the past eight years and I spoke to Tim about it and he's been very encouraging. So I decided �I'm just gonna do it now!� and spontaneously recorded it."

Meanwhile, under the inspirational influence of Tim Wheeler, perhaps the best young song writer of his generation, Charlotte began to compose. "Tim was brilliant, always interested and encouraging," she says. -- OHHHHHHHHH JUST MARRY HIM THEN!!! shite!

Maybe she could write a whole album full of songs. Said Tim: "Go for it!" -- Hell yeah!!! Said Tim: "Marry me!" damnnnnnnnnnnnn

But erm... Tim is getting married.... he is engaged-- not to Charlotte... how tragic. my heart broke when i heard the news... =(

Anyways... here's the new album cover, click it to download the new single from Charlotte's official site!