Fuck you and fuck you too
PERnant Ian: u know that japanese guy i went out with
PERnant Ian: i am so pissed off with him
ROBvgb: ?
PERnant Ian: why do i let men control me like this??
PERnant Ian: u know waht?
PERnant Ian: i may be fucking ugly
PERnant Ian: and i may NOT know shit about relationships and make up anf fuck not
PERnant Ian: but i believe i have experienced more "life" than he has
ROBvgb: haha
PERnant Ian: it's like he keeps talking about liking UK alot cause he finds america a joke
PERnant Ian: yet when i asked him "are you gonna go there one day?"
PERnant Ian: he sdai "no"
PERnant Ian: and i asked him why and he said it just won't happen
PERnant Ian: then he tells me about this girl he has liked for like 5 years
PERnant Ian: and i asked him "so why dont you just hook up"
PERnant Ian: and he said "it's one of those that won't ever happen"
PERnant Ian: this guy is an engineering graduate from UCLA
PERnant Ian: and finds school EASY
PERnant Ian: finds mechenical engineering a laugh
PERnant Ian: and what does he do for a living?
PERnant Ian: he's answering phonecalls at a dental office
PERnant Ian: i mean
PERnant Ian: WTF?!
ROBvgb: so you don't like it him then I suppose from your tone?
PERnant Ian: NO!
PERnant Ian: i like him
PERnant Ian: but u know
PERnant Ian: now that i am 75% over him
PERnant Ian: i really wanna call him out and give him a piece of my mind
PERnant Ian: i want to tell him that you're right, it's bullshit when i said to you sometimes i dont feel like trying to be beautiful because I am so far behind
PERnant Ian: but u know
PERnant Ian: i feel that your excuses for life are also bullshit
PERnant Ian: if u loved fucking UK enough you would do whatever the fuck u have in your capacity to GET THERE
PERnant Ian: as for that girl u like
PERnant Ian: ur just being a coward about your fucking feelings
ROBvgb: haha i know
PERnant Ian: i say "fuck it all" and life is about fucking TRYING
PERnant Ian: just fucking TELL HER YOU WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER
PERnant Ian: fuck that "scared of losing our frieendship" crap
PERnant Ian: so u would rather sit and watch her fuck another guy???
ROBvgb: honestly i really dropped that before I left last week
PERnant Ian: what the fuck kind of a shit is that?!
PERnant Ian: i'd rather have tried and killed our friendship along the process, than at the end of the life look back at the one guy i truly loved and SIGH
PERnant Ian: what the fuck is a SIGH???
PERnant Ian: AND THEN!
PERnant Ian: he keep saying he's too fucking "old"
PERnant Ian: and he can't use his "looks" to his advantage anymore
PERnant Ian: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
PERnant Ian: he's fucking cute to me!
PERnant Ian: he's still fucking goodlooking
ROBvgb: sounds like kinda an ass though
PERnant Ian: SO MAYBE he's not as fucking great as before
ROBvgb: maybe
PERnant Ian: but he's still fucking great!
PERnant Ian: what the fuck kinda of an excuses is backing down on life when u still have it??
PERnant Ian: and he told me
PERnant Ian: cause i was conplaining abt how i can't get what iw ant in life sometimes and that frustrates me...
PERnant Ian: but i meant it in the way that if i had TRIED ALL I CAN and I still cant get what i want, then i'll be fucking depressed
PERnant Ian: and he told me
PERnant Ian: "of course you can't get all that you want in life. Otherwise i would have a had a girlfriend by now, or been an actor, or be in a band "
PERnant Ian: and now thinking about it
PERnant Ian: u know what?
PERnant Ian: the fucking reason why he's single is cause he never tried
PERnant Ian: the reason why he is not an actor now cause he waited for TALENT AGENTS to SCOUT him and he didn't GO GRAB LIFE BY THE ASS
PERnant Ian: and the reason why he's not in a band cause it's that he didn't believe and didn't want it BAD ENOUGH to be in one
PERnant Ian: he says that he loves playing the guitar but just can't bring it to a professional level cause compared to someone who practices 8 hours aday, he's nowhere close, and he doesn't want to practice 8 hours a day.
ROBvgb: i really wanna talk to you about this
PERnant Ian: But i've seen people in bands who DOES NOT practice 8 hours a day
PERnant Ian: but they're still fucking living their dreams
PERnant Ian: NEVER STOPPED THEM!
I might be fucking backing out of my plans to go to the Grand Canyon this weekend. Yes i hate fucking sleeping bags but it is my fucking choice and i know what i am doing. But i fucking hate it when people whine about not having opportunities when they're the cause of their own misery and loneliness...
You live you learn. You die you learn. I know that even if i am fucking shit ugly and dumb thus far, at least i have fucking lived and done shit i never thought i'd do because i fucking forced myself to whether for better or for worse- At least i have fucking lived and i have fucking learned than to talk about knowing stuff but don't.
My expenses to UK might have been paid fully by my dad but I wanted to see my favourite bands and by HOOK OR BY CROOK i did all i could fucking do and grabbed the ass! I wanted to fucking get Finch and TBS and all that bands into Malaysia and i did all i fucking could and i went as far as to open my own fucking COMPANY to do it because i thought that i could! I fucking wanted to work in a record company bad enough to fucking jump on California when an internship came up and though i got rejected three fucking times at least i fucking tried over and over again till i lost my love for it. And I may not be fucking educated about make up and fuck not but I fucking tried my fucking best and hauled my ass down to Torrance even though i didn't even know if he was there and I fucking called him up even though i was setting myself up for failure but fuck u know what? at least i gave it my BEST FUCKING SHOT. What the fuck did YOU do?
So don't come tell me about life and tell me that i am not good enough cause i fucking did something with my life and not sat down and moped. I do fucking mope but when i want something bad enough i always fucking did it no matter how much it fucking scared me and how much i knew i was gonna fuck it up.
So fuck you and all your bullshit- i don't say it out of hate because seeing you now in my head it makes my heart softened and i can't bring myself to hate someone i actually like and probably pity. I could have fucking shown you the world u were too shit assed to fucking seize but you traded it all in for something so fucking stupid...
so fuck you and fuck you too- i fucking tried and i might have fucking failed with you- but at least i can say that for myself- what the fuck can YOU say? "it's just one of those things you can do nothing about"- fuck that bullshit because it's bullshit because you didn't love it enough to fucking love it to death and FINALLY ACTUALLY know that there IS NOTHING LEFT. you just let it wither not knowing if could have ever grown. So fuck you and fuck you too- your life is what it is today because of all the things you did, and most of all because of all the things that you DIDN'T DO.
So don't go blame life for not giving you shit when you never even fucking tried. You may NEVER get the girl and i may never get the guy and i've NEVER gotten the guy and i hate that shit- But at least i can say that i fucking did all i fucking can and too bad, it's not fucking mine to have. What the fuck can you say for YOURS? You would have never known cause you never tried so don't go around and fucking blame life cause that is what YOU CHOOSE. you chose to NOT DO.
Don't expect life to give you the things you want on a silver platter. If you really love and want something bad enough, you go and fucking grab it as much as you can till it's all smothered in flames. Because if you have done that, at the end of the day you still DO NOT have what you loved so much, you can rest assured that, you know what, it was NEVER meant to be. But at least you can rest assured that is the truth. You may NOT yet know what is installed for you, but you know for a FACT what is NOT meant for you.
If you've never even TRIED. what the fuck then can you say about life? You don't know shit about what your life is meant to be cause you never tried shit! You won't ever know what the fuck was meant for you cause you didn't even try anything BADLY enough till it's gone to eliminate the fucking options.
At least the fuck i know i was never meant to be with you because i fucking tried and fucking failed. At least i know i was never meant to be with the 10,000 guys that came before you because i fucking tried and i fucking failed. At least i know i was never meant to be in UK cause i never got there. But at least then I know i am meant to be here because i tried this one bad enough and it worked out! And at least i know i was never meant to be in the music industry cause i did all i could to the best of my capabilities and interest and fucking failed. DOOR SHUT AND SLAMMED. But at least i know that i was meant for something else.
What about you? You don't even know what you're meant for.
Life is what you make of it-
At least i DARED to dream. AT least I DARED to reach for it. At least i grabbed life by its balls and rode my dreams to wherever they brought me, even if it all came crashing down, at least i caught and rode the waves. What about you? You're still reading the tide wondering.
ARGH fuck me. i should go to grand canyon no? who know-- i guess i just don't want it bad enough.
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
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