ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

hi hi...

thanks for the call... my birthday is on nov 15.. didn't really do much had class from 9am till 10pm.

anyway. i hope you're doing well in iowa. I hope your're not too lonely and i hope you will indeed find a girlfriend soon. i understand how you feel. i don't know what i feel these days. i don't think i want a boyfriend but i think i really want someone to be there. i want someone that i can call up for lunch or for dinner, someone i can hang out with, go shopping with and have fun with you know. Play Halo or something together, just sit there and watch TV together so that i don;t need to be alone all the time. And then there's another part of me which longs for something more fundametal. somewhere inside me that longs for that image of this guy and me and the cold wind blwoing (u know the wind in northrdige). And he's tightening the scarf around my nect and he's telling me "take care of yourself ok. it's cold" and i am smiling as he's carefully bundling me up so that i don't catch a cold and i know that i mean something to him because of the care in his hands and the look in his careful eyes as he makes sure everything is alright. something so fundamental and so damaging inside me wants that... and i guess i just want too much in life you know... i don't know... why do we always seem to want waht we can't have? and i still want it even i know it's just a fantasy, even though i know something like that can never happen. something in my head my fanatasy can never translate into life...

and i want so much more from life. i want to do so much more. i want to know the people i know i can't. i want to meet the people i know that it's just a fantasy, yet i still want it so childishly. but i still want it and i just don't know how to surrender a fantasy unless my heart dies. and give up on it because i burnt out...

and i want so much more. i want so many lives i can't ever achieve, i want so much more so many thins i know i am jst dreaming and i've alwasys been a dreamer but for california none of my dreams have ever come to be and sometimes it saddens me and makes me angry and frustrated with life for that....

anyway, do you know anyone working with Sony Music Japan or Kioon Record Japan? I want to TRY IF i can arrange a US tour for their band Asian Kung Fu Generation with an american band... i don't think i can but still, i guess i am stupid and a dreamer that way, i believe in trying too much even tho everyone else in the world says it's imposible but somewhere in my fucked up head, i don't see it that way.

I wish i could go to Kyoto. I'd like to live there one day... for a year... or maybe two... i want to capture the colors and the beauty that is the essense of the timelessness of kyoto even if it's just for a fraction of time in eternity.

Elaine