Monday, October 04, 2004
shinjou no kokoro
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.....but anyways, i'm still quite depressed about it. and heart broken. I can't seem to hate him. I mean, i get angry at times but in my heart of hearts i still wish he'd call me. (he told me to call him sometime. but i won't i guess). But i just feel that kinda defeats the purpose of me having told him anyway.I told him only because i was too sick and tired of myself liking him and not knowing what to do and not knowing what he feel exactly. I just hate the feeling of helplessness. I guess i'm just not a person that can stand waiting. I just need to know, to fulfill or to destroy. And i guess i just wanted to do it and get it over with. And i did. And in some ways i did get it over with. But in some ways, i'm still wanting him.... which sucks really.
I mean, i called knowing no way he'd ever say yes anyway... but i knew there was a splinter of wish in me that he would and it was REALLY painful in many ways when during our conversation after i had confessed, the realization hits and you realize that "damn, he's saying no and that's all there is to it elaine. you can't force him."
So well...... i guess i am still trying to recover. I wish i could verbalize completely how i feel. I wish i knew completely how i feel and be honest with myself about my truest feelings. At least then i'd be able to find my peace, and my closure. I just don't like it when I myself don't want to face the whole truth about my truest feelings. always such a hindrance from growth and evolution. But something's just stopping me from trying to uncover my heart. And i guess that's why i just don't understand and i am still hurt and heart broken, and wishing...
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