first "piece" in months.
further down the spiral
the sunlight and the ocean wide. it's too much of a temporal bliss to ever should have been considered as something that is lastable.
damn, like everything else in life.
Perhaps it's in the heart that you choose to share that will always be risked being seared. Perhaps the giving of yourself is never as easy as you think it is. or at least, it's never as simple.
and tonight may never shine if you never open your eyes.
But are my eyes open now?
And i want to believe.
It was in the sunset, the sickening evening sun as i sat with her, my heart could not tell what i really meant. it has been retarded lately being unable to set itself right on something.
But there we sat and there i looked at her. A part of me didn't feel like saying anything. Zetsubo, i was taught a couple of week before, the essence called disappointment, and i wasn't really sure what i really felt.
but part of me, a tiny bit was hurt, enough to wanted to sever all ties- because sometimes, maybe i too was capable of doing something like that.
But yet, there as she sat, like we did the many times before over the past few weeks, and i remember so many other times past that we did the exact same thing-- and i remembered the fun i had-- and i remembered that. and I knew that I loved her too much to just say fuck it all. and i wish this would not have to be our last.
Life always has other plans.
I could hear them sing "do you sleep forever or burn alive"
But looking at her, there, i could not... sever all my ties. i knew i liked her too much-- i loved what we had too much to just say goodbye.
But the siren sings doesn't it. and the siren sang.
and it hailed an end.
the end of something, my brother once wrote too many years ago. and as the dust settled on the asphalt, and the car stop, like many times before, only perhaps, a little different this time.
I guess i'll miss you. Actually, i would. Actually, i already do.
And all the starbucks and coffee beans in the world would not light up a moment that is passing by. nor bring back all the rest of the moments that are already gone. And tonight may never shine, i keep this heart right next to mine.
And i'll miss you.
I was thinking about the fragments and pieces of my heart wrongly translated kokoro no kakera. And i was wondering how i could compartmentalized all my feelings. for him, for him and for all the rest of hims that i feel like i like.
then there was you, and it's true that i value what we have... or shall we utilize the past tense here?... more than i really do like any one of those other guys, save perhaps... the unnamable. for i am unable to articulate his name.
and my thought fragments.......
At the edge of the rest of your life, at the end of the one way road, i was losing everything.
further down the downward spiral we fall on and on and on and on.
i wish...
and a memory of what it felt like (to burn on and on and on and not just fade away)
and the streets of Los Angeles wipes down in dirt, your Santa Monica roads light up with fog and mist through the 405, we in the Valley would never really know what it's like. but the cars pours on upon these freeways from moment through moments. like time/life that never really stops, that never really dies even if the heart fragments a little bit more... slowly but surely fading into the ocean where the fire burns and stops...
Good morning america. but it is a little sad to know that there's really nothing to wake up to each morning here in the land of the free.
Ride the waves and whispers the moments that you wish for and want to come true but know that the sands of fate and life and time and all that shit that prevents you from your heart is slipping by and pinning your longing and your wishes and fuck, your happiness upon a dying tree that is collapsing from the stupidity of something greater that you are just so damn incapable of controlling.
To hell with you and all your friends...
is the answer?
no elaine, it's not, that is not the phrase to use to be strong.
tonight may never shine if you never open your eyes.
it's always a good song but never one that is good to sing.
A dying Keith was once asked in his dreams by the god-like Tim "so how does dying feels like?"... and he replied, "it feels like a good song man..."
this feels like i'm dying man, but shit, keith, where the hell is my good song?
sasai no kotoba ya nani genai shigusa de hokorobu omoi wo tada tashikametai boku no uta kanashii kao shite setsunai furi shite kie yuku omoi wo tada sekitometai kyou no uta yamu wo no matte iru no sa.
fragmented ideas into many pronouns, come stop it, you're not making sense now.
We are the ones that make you laugh forget about your troubles Live in peace, pain and regret And forget all your troubles We are the ones that make you love When you have no one at all Yes we are the ones that make you laugh Yes we are the ones.
we were yelling through the streets and I�m out of my fucking mind.
the tail end of a burning bit. celebrate the dying of the light as we stood there beneath the skies. it is true that i am happiest when i am with my friends and the loneliest when i am alone in my bedroom and i was happy then while we were still there. the words of "i don't think we can hang out any more" and the reluctance in your voice and in your eyes and in your face when you can't give me even a little of your time.
But of course, i won't ask what you cannot give. and i guess that's our difference, that you can live without me and i, will have to learn to live without you.
but while the time we had, arigatou, for it all... i had fun... and i felt happy that i had a real friend i could hang out with... i guess even if it's just for now. And i guess it's okay and you're right that it's your problem that you have to solve and i wish you luck as you had wished me luck... and.....
hey, don't forget to call me sometimes....
you know how i feel, and i'll be waiting for your call even if you've not called for a year or two or more... though i hope it would only be for the next few weeks and nothing more... i don't know.
heart is on the floor why don't you step on it.
fireflies flashing at the end.
i want to end. i want to end.
and the stoplight goes once more. the song ends and i remember the sunset we saw suddenly.
i don't think there will be any more of it...
at least not with you and me.
I may never come to understand japanese. But it seems now as if my heart understands the fundamental difference between Ja mata and Sayonara.
Friday, October 15, 2004
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