ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

Well yesterday i wrote about how i felt so emo listening to the Used's All That I've Got live in Soma San Diego and got all emo about it and blogged a post about the memories of the wonderful time i had here with my friends and bands and going for shows...

And well today, i actually found the live video of it which is even more amazing! Cause it's in Soma, you know... and Soma gives me good memories... The video i embeded is abit small sized but, well my browser won't support the windows media file and i don't know why... so i embeded this one instead.

So anyway, here's The Used, live in Soma, San Diego....


Actually Soma is a venue next to the sports center in San Diego. It's the only venue i've been to in San Diego (besides the music festival i went for) because it's quiet a convenient place to get to. What i mean by that is that it's very well connected to get to it by public transportation (from here to LA by train, then Amtrak to San Diego, then local trolley in San Diego to get to near the venue and then bus to get from the trolley stops to the sports center)

It's also quite a cool place cause it's "small"... But i don't like the pit there cause it's LONGGGGGGGG. Soma is not wide cause it's rectangular in shape, it's LONGGGGGGGG. So the pit is massive cause you have the whole mass of the crowd pushing in front towards the stage. You can imagine, 700 people packed into the floor and all pushing towards the front. It's quite mad... THe only pit i've been into was for Taking Back Sunday. It was abit crazy but i wasn't going to risk it for Blink 182 (HOMETOWN SHOW, and the first SMALL VENUE since they became so big) and also for Finch. But still...

I had alot of good memories at Soma. It was one of the first shows i went for when i came here. It was for Finch/A Static Lullaby/Senses Fail/Movielife show.... ANd it was also the first time i met Luis (yeap!!! i actually still have the moment in my head!).... And then going there after that shitty week for Taking Back Sunday. I didn't even felt like going because of alot of shit but i knew i was gonna have a good time so i went against everything else, and man...... it was one of the best weekends of my life.... happiness, just being so stupidly smiling and happy and you don't even know why, you know... waiting outside parking lots with friends for bands, taking a ride through the In and Out drive thru to get animal fries.. yeahhhh.. those we such simple yet so... happy times, you know.... And then there was of course Blink 182 and the utter surrealism and a dream come true, you know... seeing them FINALLY in SAN DIEGO, such a dream such a dream... all those days dreaming in Taylors' College!!!

ouh man... watching the video hurts so muchhhh.... i hope that there will be a good show at Soma before i leave when i leave, so that i can go there and cherish every bit of it and remember the sensations of the rest of the hundred concerts i've been to since i came here whether it was in Hollywood, or Sunset or Santa Monica, or pomona, or Irvine, or Anaheim or FUllerton, or San Diego, or Denver, Fort Lauderdale, Tallahasse, Baltimore or even Japan...... you have all become a part of my life's experience, that has become what i am today...

that's what Soma means to me, you know...

and thank you The Used... for this song... and for this show...

anyway.... anyone who wants to watch a LARGER and better quality version of the show can do so here.

You May Be a Bit Borderline ...

Your mood swings make a roller coaster look tame! When you're up, you're a little bit crazy... And when you're down, your whole world is crashing Scary thing is, these moods can change by the minute!

Yay Courtney! of course.... she was my role model in those very formative teenage years! gosh! it was awesome being able to meet her... even for just a moment... on Sunset Blvd outside 7-11.... gosh... how much more LA can you get than that?!

American Cities That Best Fit You:

60% Atlanta

55% Chicago

55% New York City

55% San Diego

50% Honolulu

You Are 22 Years Old

22 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

ermm........... I AM 22!!!!

You Are a Losing Lottery Ticket!

Full of hope and promise. But in the end, a cheap letdown.

Your New Years Resolution Should Be: Wake up before noon

You've been accused of sleeping your life away And it's a little bit true - you are really into your pillow In fact, it may be years since you've seen a sunrise at the *start* of your day Sleep a little less. Some sunshine would do you good.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... they're actually quite accurate!!!

I Miss You by Blink 182

"The unsuspecting victim Of darkness in the valley We can live like Jack and Sally if we want Where you can always find me" You grew up a lot in 2004. And it was mostly a very good thing.

I faked this one... i thought it was stupid that by chaning ONE answer it changed the whole result.

You Have OK Karma

You try to be a good person... well, sometimes you try! While you are caring deep down, you don't always show it. You're very focused on yourself, and others come second (if not third). Which is fine, but don't expect others to focus on you.

You Belong in New Zealand

Good on ya, mate You're the best looking one of the bunch Though you're often forgotten... You're quite proud of who you are

Hmmm.... well at least they have a working holiday visa with Japan.

You Are "Silent Night"

Silent night, holy night All is calm, all is bright Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child Holy infant so tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace You never forget that Christmas is about the birth of Christ. Santa and eggnog are just gravy

"Letters To You." -- Finch.


You miss someone but you can't figure out what to
do to get them back, so you're stuck writing
letters that you'll never show. -
.-;;

"Can't you see that i wanna be
there with open arms
It's empty tonight and i'm all alone
Get me through this one
Do you notice i'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away?
I want you to know that I miss you"


Which Finch song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

- no shit no shit... and the dude's idoit's name is Ryota....

You are Grey Matter. Eccentric and egotistic, a
little melodramatic at times, even a bit
bi-polar. people love you.


What Finch song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thank you... very accurate... is that what the song is about? being bipolar? I thought nate said it was about something his shrink said to him..... hmm.. yeah nate, even if you're abit erm... off, we still love you.... cause you're damn cute to add to that!

You're "Timberwolves at New Jersey", You
can't help it, you always get what you want.
You don't wanna make things any worse than they
already are so you refuse to think about
things.


Which taking back sunday song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmmmmm................ i always get what i want?!

Take the quiz: "How emo are you?"

Holy Shit Your Emo
Holy shit you actually are emo! Congratulations on not being a poser.

Of course i am real emo. none of that "scene" look and hot topic shit for me. I like my pinks but i still don't give a damn usually. i just cried last night due to over contemplating about life and got all sentimental and wrote a nice lil post while listening to The Used live at Soma, San Diego.

:: at your funeral ::


So, Which SAVES THE DAY song are YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla

at the funeral... have to look at the lyrics for that one.

you're, ``understanding in a car crash`` : you are
trendy and quite well-known. although popular,
you lack some internal happiness and people
often mis-judge you.

..so; what ``thursday`` song are you? ;D
brought to you by Quizilla

lack internal happiness... to say the least, dude, to say the least.

The Used's All That I've Got live from Soma is looping on the radio and it's making me feel very emo.... and i do mean EMOTIONAL in every sense of the word.

Soma, San Diego. It's so weird, how life is like this. Three years ago, I listened to songs 6000 miles away back in Malaysia wondering and wishing i could be singing those same songs there live, with the bands in that mosh pit.... And now, in a couple of months I'm probably going to listen to this song All That I've Got live from SOMA back in Malaysia remembering how it was like to be in the mosh pit in san diego when i first saw Finch when i first got here, and then my last show with Taking Back Sunday in my first year here, and then FINALLY seeing Blink 182 there last year.... and how Michelle called me last year on new year's day in Malaysia so i could hear the countdown and show with Taking Back Sunday..... it was alll so surreal... and in a few months... it's all going to be just a memory that a song will revoke these strange memories now so far away, once, part of my life... so beautiful....

there are places you go and people you meet and experience that you go through that will always remain in your heart no matter what and no matter where you are.

and to that end i will always remember the venues i've been to... Soma in San Diego, The Palace/Avalon on Hollywood/Vine, The Palladium, The Roxy, Whiskey and of course House of Blues on Sunset, Troubadour on Santa Monica and Doheny, Chain in Anaheim, Glasshouse in Pomona, and of course, the Jimmy Kimmel Show....

And all the people I've met along the way and the millions of memories that you shared with me that made my days here in America so damn wonderful... LUIS, MICHELLE, Melissa, Michelle and Jessica, Johanna, Johnny, Jessica, Allison, Nicole, Annel, Vicky, Nicole, Meiho and all of you whom i extremely miss because i've not gone for shows with you guys for soooooooooooo long. I miss the hours we spent sitting on them conrete floors in the cold/rain/sunshine for hours waiting for shows to start....

Was reading through the Japan Times online (don't ask why) and i came across this article:

SINGAPORE FASHION FESTIVAL
Wannabe style capital puts on a 'cute' show
By MARTIN WEBB
Staff writer
(gosh, don't you know how much i wish i could have that with my byline? "staff writer". I admit, i like the whole concept of being a "journalist")

Anyway, here's a Californian working in Japan for a English Japanese newspaper writing about another Asian culture (can you see the waves collide!). Well basically his cricism of Singapore was this:

Secondly, fashion is about sex 'n' drugs 'n' rock 'n' roll -- and Singapore ain't got much of any of that. What it does have, I'm led to believe, is an abundance of rules and restrictions on personal freedom -- hardly the makings of a hotbed of creative fashion genius. No edginess, no rebelliousness, no "cool" where I'm going.
1) oddly he should be saying that singapore has "is an abundance of rules and restrictions on personal freedom" considering that he IS LIVING IN JAPAN for goodness sake! how more restrictive can ANY society be than Japan! gosh... even the LANGUAGE in japan is restrictive. I mean seriously, i just had my Japanese teacher tell me today that it is much more proper for girls to use the ending "no" or "na no" instead of "da" or "-n da" because it's more polite and gentle... Seriously!
2) BUTTT on the other hand, it made me think, yeah no shit, Japan is restrictive, DAMN restrictive for that matter... but when it comes to artistic culture whether it be fashion, design, dolls (yes Jarod), etc... they KICK ass man... And one has to ask, so how come? Where did the difference come from? If japanese society is as restrictive as Singaporean society, why is it that Japanese society are more creative?

Right. So after the lingerie parade I speak to Tara Barker, the editor of Singapore Women's Weekly who's a rather flustered English lady in an unappealing floral-print dress. She is quick to raise the two issues that singularly preoccupied most of the people I spoke to during my two days in Singapore: Can the city produce world-class designer brands? Can it become a center for fashion in Asia?

The fact is that Singapore has already produced a couple of world-class designers, but they are both based in Europe. Andrew Gn had an abortive spell at the Paris couture house Balmain, but now regularly shows his own eponymous line there. London-based Ashley Isham makes party frocks for posh London ladies, including the odd aristo and celeb, and even has his own exclusive boutique.

Straight out she asks: "So, do you think we can do it? Can Singapore become a fashion capital?"
"No," I shoot back, prompting a muffled snigger from a stylist I had just been chatting to.

But it's got no edginess, no rebelliousness and a chronic paucity of cool.

The more i read the article, the more i felt the whole familiarity of it all... the bullshit that upper-middle class new yuppies (yes man that includes you and me) of malaysia are suffering from. Same shit. (that's not good journalism elaine to curse).
But it's true. I hate the fakeness of it all. This whole thing about Singapore wanting to be the fashion capital in Asia, it's true.. There is no talent and the only talent that we have or they have were all overseas bred or made it THERE. then we claim them to be our own.... Why i use the pronoun "we" is because the same has/will be happened to Malaysian personalities who have made it abroad. And when they suddenly become famous, here Malaysia comes and grabs them and go "ahhhh loook, one of our own who's made it" I say you know what? FUCK YOU. Yeah the only thing you contributed to my success was how much i HATED you and made me want to get the fuck out of there and make it somewhere else.
That being said. I am not anti Malaysian ^^. That is why i am going home to Malaysia to begin with. I just hate the way we pretend to be something we're not.

MOST IMPORTANTLY I hate the way how we try to inflate our self image (this time i am talking about Malaysians, and not Malaysia). "ouh look at my new car" or "ouh look, i am overseas educated" or "ouh look, i go to the theaters (and i don't mean TGV) once in a while" or "ouh, i'm into Joyce" or "ouh, i do arts"... fuck that shit. i don't know. i just hate the bullshit of now people have this constant need to prove themselves. To SHOW others how much richer/smarter/more educated/matured/cultured/white they are than other people. I say fuck that shit, because deep down inside it's all bullshit, we have a mentality that stinks. I am not putting the country down but i am sure as hell criticising how people are sometimes..

all style and no substance. that's IT man. that's really IT.

that is the definition of the bullshit ALOT of Malaysians are these days. The pursuit of being seen as "cool", "in", "hip", "educated", "cultured", "white", choose your adjective, each one points to a different cult/need that you suffer from.

I say fuck the bullshit and just be yourself. Fashion capital of the world. Who the fuck cares man.

I don't say i don't suffer from these bullshit... But you know what? I value the pursuit of self understanding and reflection, to grasps your being, than to fucking impress others and tell others how smart you are and how cultured you are and try to learn up on all these bullshit just to be seen. wtf is that i ask you? at the end of the day, why the fuck are you doing it? who the fuck do you want to impress? what the fuck are you i ask you in the end? do you even know yourself? or if your self is made out of all these layers of bullshit that you use to comfort yourself and make yourself feel "important"?

love others man... that's the only place you can truly find TRUE confidence in your life and in YOURSELF that is NOT bullshit.

Japanese products... hmm.. this is a jelly drink... yeap... Jelly drink... it's like drinking jello (peach flavour). Damn nice to add to that. Feel like going to the store to get more but so lazee. But yet another cool Japanese product. This one was sweet though, which is weird, maybe it was the american version so they make it sweeter, cause stuff in Japan all don't taste sweet much (no wonder friends complain when they get here). Ahhh I miss them vending machinese in Japan.... They have alot of variety of stuff, it's amazing. Like think of the weirdest combination of food together, and they probably have it. But it actually tastes good though!

yeap... like dat.

Alrites.... so now like down to erm... the actual point of the post....

Dreaming in another language.

"Dream in Japanese, Dream in Japanese, Some language i don't even know how to speak"
-Moshi Moshi, by Brand New-

That line by Brand New always got me thinking. Is it really possible to dream in another language? I don't think so. That's why i also think it's not too possible to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't speak the same language as you do, since you can't really dream in that language, how you gonna dream about him? wuahaha, yeap that's my stupid rationalization.

Anyways, i don't think it's possible. Because 1) You don't even know the words to begin with. 2) Dude man, i can't even figure out Japanese grammar while i am CONSCIOUS, what more while i am UNCONSCIOUS! really!

Butttt.... my arguement that you can dream something foreign if you're too saturated with it... I wouldn't doubt that if you don't know a word of swedish and you're stranded in Sweeden for weeks, I'm sure after awhile you just keep hearing sweedish in your dreams, you know, whether it's ACTUALLY swedish or not, i wouldn't know!

Now that brings me to what's been happening these days. I've been dreaming alot. I also think it's cause i've been sleeping alot. And i've also been listening to that Pillows song, Strang Chameleon, yeap the song being played on the bg of this blog if u can hear it, ALOT, and i do mean ALOT... It's a 6 minute song and i've played it 80+ times in the past 1 week. But anyway, I keep dreaming about the song and i keep hearing the song in my dreams... Annoying, abit anyway, cause i mean it keeps playing in my head even when i am awake and now even when i sleep! BUTTTTTTTTTTT that's just normal... cause well, it's a song.

Then there was last night's dream.... I dream about.......... RAINBOW BRIDGE...

yeapppppppp, that's rainbow bridge.

Anyway i dreamt that me and Chad went there... Actually somehow i was in Tokyo... and Chad was there, we went for dinner (we went for lunch last week maybe dats why), and so after that he drove me around, and i could remember seeing tokyo tower between the buildings (somewhat like how i saw it when Rie was taking me around sight seeing)... And then we came to Rainbow Bridge and i told him, "HEY!!! CAN WE JUST DRIVE THROUGH RAINBOW BRIDGE???" (cause i had wanted to do this... due to an Asian Kung Fu Generation fantasy). So he said sure and we turned into Rainbow Bridge (of coz at this point, u shud know that i have never seen Rainbow Bridge like upclose) But anyways, there was a toll to go through rainbow bridge (in me dreams) and Chad was like "ouh man do we have enough money?" and i was like "it's okay, i do," (i had like $40 with me)... Anyways, we stopped the car to count our money and then we didn't know how much it was so we thought "let's go enquire"... well chad didn't want to go, so i told him i'll go ask the dude by the toll...

So i went out of the car and went around "summimasen"... first lady thought i bumped into her and so all she said was "summimasen" back to me. Then after that i decided to go to the dude at the toll booth. So i bowed and said "summimase"... then he greeted me IN JAPANESE YO. and i was like in my SWEETEST voice ever "ah... (pointing to myself) Amerika kara (from America) ah... Rainbow bridge errr.. wa... go on..." wuahahhaa.. damn my japanese! should stop skipping classes!.... "err... ikura desu ka?"... somehow he understood what i was saying because i was pointing i wanted to go on the bridge then he came towards me and was like "ah ah... *says something in japanese* (dude i can't write it down now cause dude, i didn't really understand it in my dreams but i know it was japanese!)... san sen en" ouhhhhhhhhhh... mentally in my head i paused for a few moments... san sen en...... Three hundred yen... okies! and then Chad came out of the car and i told him it's only 300yen to go across... which is $3.... then i was like ok, lets go... Then the guy said more stuff in Japanese (he even had this map thing out) and I had no idea what he was saying, i knew it was japanese, but i didn't understand much of it, but then, like actual situations where people do speak to me in japanese i usually have no idea what's going on 75% of the time but as for the other 25%, i usually understant the gist of it, so i understood that he was saying something about some else that we had to pay or do which was a problem cause we cannot do it when we were coming back through Rainbow Bridge.

Then i woke up.

BUT YOU SEE, he WAS speaking in japanese!!! and i understood as much as he said San sen en... Which is weird cause i can never catch figures in japanese cause they sound the same don't they???? Anyway, i think i know why i was dreaming "sen" and "yen" though was cause i was thinking about the Kanji (for the test) before i went to sleep. hmmm

BUT IT WAS STILL IN JAPANESE!

***************

hohoho... i would love to take a drive on rainbow bridge like the Asian Kung Fu music video for Siren...

yeap like that.... actually i really like the Siren video... I don't like the superimposing thing abit, but i really like the whole essence of the video cause i think it captured the feel of Tokyo quite well... i think!

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo TOKYO tower! actually the last time i saw tokyo tower was almost that far away... Except i was on the train of course and heading the other direction away from the tower.... zannen!

ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
i dun want to be accepted by ryota
@KC says:
and i just dont want u wasting all the love u have and end with such an aching heart
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
i just want to know why, dats all.
@KC says:
when its not worth it
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
and not just why.... i dunno.
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
i just want to talk with him and work this out maybe
@KC says:
guys are like that
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
like i want to explain myself
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
and ask HIM to explan himself
@KC says:
they dont have explanations for everything they do..they just do it
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
fucklah
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
i want him to say that to me
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
�i don�t think we can be friends anymore, elaine�
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
that�s it
@KC says:
look if u think ryota is worth it..then if u were u...i'd go right up to him and ask him
@KC says:
coz u know what..there's nothing worse that can happen from where it is now
@KC says:
right?
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
yes
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
but u see today ar
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
i had midterms 1 minute before i saw him
@KC says:
yeah so go ahead and ask him when u see him again
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
and it was such a shocked to see him
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
dats why
@KC says:
ouh mann
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
i was like �GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE NOW ELAINE�@KC says:
trust me..i know how that feels tooooo!
@KC says:
just pray that u did think right and will pass ur paper
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
i did pass my Bible paper
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
my linguistics one is abit erm not so
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
but not cause of ryota
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
cause of didn�t studee
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
but really lah
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
i mean u know
@KC says:
ouh hehe
@KC says:
ok
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
i AM over ryota in a way
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
like i dun like him anymore
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
just miss some things sometimes
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
but usually i am ok
@KC says:
over but not totally over ya
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
no cause i just want closure u know
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
i just dun feel like this stop talking to me thing is closure
@KC says:
ok then i suggest u go ask him quick
@KC says:
so u'll have ur closure..and perhaps who knows..he'll see how stupid he's been and the two of u can remain friends
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
i dunno lah.........
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
even if he�s gonna just stand there and not give me an answer i am fine
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
but i�m scared he wil lsay something like �no reason�
@KC says:
then u wont have closure
@KC says:
if he says no reason..then u'll have to take that as closure
@KC says:
but i dont think ryota is that mean u know
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
no then i�m just gonna say �you know what? fuck that shit. i thought better of you, i guess i was just fucking wrong�
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
nolah... he IS lah
@KC says:
maybe he just doesnt know how to handle these things
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
he is the type that dun like to �express� much
@KC says:
and maybe made wrong moves and too hard headed to admit them
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
fuck it
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
i�m gonna confront him
@KC says:
yeah i totally back u up to confront him
@KC says:
maybe gently rather than all worked up
@KC says:
guys tend to cover up more when approached loudly
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
i am gonna go gently
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
if he gives me blank stare then i am just gonna say �fuck it if u can�t give me the closure i need�
@KC says:
try not to swear
@KC says:
gives him a reason to say he's right for doing the things he did
@KC says:
unless he's being an arse..then full blown cursing is recommended
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
no
ELAINE! STUPID!!!! says:
i am just gonna say fuck it if u can�t say it in my face then fuck it, you�re not worth the effort
@KC says:
ok i think u already decided what u wanna do and say..
@KC says:
so just go and do it
@KC says:
no matter what others advice u to do..u'll stick u your own decision
@KC says:
so i'll support ur actions!!


elainelmy: ok if i see ryota
elainelmy: what do me says to him?
elaine teh: hi
elaine teh: and be cool
elaine teh: most of all
elainelmy: no i am gonna confront him why he stopped talking
elaine teh: don't expect anything out of it
elainelmy: but i dunno how to phrase it
elaine teh: don't have tp
elaine teh: say hi
elainelmy: nah i want to get this over with
elaine teh: sometime confrontation gets u nowhere
elainelmy: but
elainelmy: i want closure
elainelmy: i dunno
elainelmy: if i wanted to just talk to him
elainelmy: then i shud have talked to him today
elainelmy: not run away
elaine teh: ok talk to him if u want
elaine teh: but i wouldn't really want u too
elainelmy: i guess i made a mistake today running away
elaine teh: he doesn't seem like the type to talk about things
elaine teh: or maybe he is
elaine teh: i dunno
elainelmy: sigh
elainelmy: osos dunno
elaine teh: but don't think
elaine teh: if u think more it'll get complicated


study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
norika!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
i saw ryota today!!!
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
hey
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
ohhh what happened?
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
and we crossed path
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
???
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
i turned away from him
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
i pretended i didnt see him
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
he was waking towards me on the left
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
i LOOKED totally on the right
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
did he see u?
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
and i heard his footsteps
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
coming nearer
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
i put on my cellphone
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
to call a friend!!!
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
YEAH HE SAW ME!
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
maybe he felt bad....
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
he might have expected u to talk to him n stuff since u have been trying to talk to him rite?
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
n u turned away, so he might be thinking "Y?"
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
sigh i WISH it was that!
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
but i think i dunno... what if he�s thinking "ok i think she finally got the hint. ok we�re not friend anymore. she�s not gonna bug me anymore"
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
i dont think he would be that cold....
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
i kinda feel like he is a guy who doesnt like to be disliked
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
so i think it is buggin him
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
i really wish it was...
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
well
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
i dunno maybe he will email u back or something
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
n if he didnt, i think he really is a bad person and u will be better off without him
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
i doubt it.... i dunno what i want to do when i see him again... i really hope i do meet him again
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
i feel like confronting him
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
like asking him why
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
yeah...
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
maybe u can do that or u can follow ur instincts and if it was to turn away from him it is fine
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
i think
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
my friend told me i shud just act normal
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
yeah
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
i think its a good idea
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
i dunno.... he seems weird anyways
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
he might talk to u like nothing happened
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
part of me wants that... but i ask myself �what for?�...
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
yeah
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
i think i have done the same thing if i were u
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
yah?
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
yeah
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
ok if u see him again
study for kanji test elaine!!! says:
then what would u do>
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
dunno.... if he sees me and we kinda looked each other, and there was no way turning away,.... i think i will talk to him
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
and if in that situation and he still didnt talk to me.... i will kill him
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
lol
Norika: www.norikapochi.com says:
no really i mean i would just erase him from my life


My heart my heart..... what are you saying? What do you want to do? What will make you feel at peace, that's it? what?

"ryota-kun, nani ga okita no?" WHAT HAPPENED?

yosh! that's what i'm gonna say! THANK YOU AKIO!!! wuahahaha, who'd have thought i just wanted to ask what happened to that train accident today and i got to learn new good useful phrase! woo!

miopia. i am suffering from that. inabilty to see big and wide. no that is not webter's definition.

i don't know. it's odd. i wanted to work in the music industry. but like i wanted to do it for a few years, then who knows, go back to malaysia to be a teacher.

seems now that, i'm gonna go home to be a teacher sooner than i thought (how shtity)... Then there's Japan... i really wanna go back there to work for a bit, year or two, don't think i can live there forever, i dunno, it's beautiful and all that but beauty dies after awhile, doesn't it? After the innitial awe and wonder, everything becomes a routine in th eend, right?

Actually i really don't mind settling down in America. Perhaps not right now, but later in life. Jeremy told me "come to Canada" maybe i will... except for the cold. hm.

I don't know... i really don't know what i want to do ultimately. Dad asked me what's your objective (in wanting to work in Japan)... I don't know, just the experiene i guess, that would be nice now wouldn't it?

But beyond that, i really don't know.... But even that, i really hope i WOULD get to go to Japan one day to work, for a year or two.... that would be really nice, ne, wouldn't it?

*****************

DAD : yes, i know u have a passion
DAD : i am trying to help U to refine it
DAD : U need a PROCESS to bring passion into reality
DAD : the 1st step is a degree
DAD : the next step is to define a career
elainelmy: screw career
elainelmy: i think u and mom shud know that neither me nor koh hoh
elainelmy: are gonna have anything that resembles that anytime soon
elainelmy: if we were, we wouldn't be going back to Malaysia
elainelmy: considering that malaysia is a pretty shitty place to start one at that

Career?? what a laugh! why don't i sell my future off for some quick bucks at that if we're talking about career. The one thing i hate the most thinking about all these job application process was a "career"... The reason why i want to get a preschool job here or to get a job in MGS or in SriKDU (yeap!) or as a tuition teacher ain't cause i WANT A CAREER. what the hell! It's all something i feel like i need to do/steps to take towards a goal called Japan (or China or Korea after that) .

ouh i dunno. fuck a career u know. it gives finacial security but it sure as hell doesn't appeal to me. and it gives more than financial secuirty, it just gives an assurance that u know what you're gonna be in the future, you know where you're gonna be at when you're 30. At this point, i have no idea where i'm gonna be at 30. Part of me ain't comfortable with that fact at all.... but will i be happy with thinking about building a career and slaving through all that process to get a job and then being in that job and bitching abt that job?

ouh man, why can't i stay in cool forever. make studying my career.

sigh i want to tour with Asian Kung Fu Generation forever................. yes i do love them THAT much...... eh forever... till the world ends anyway!

How far will you go for a dream?

I wanted to work/intern at a record company and that was the reason why i chose to come to california instead of accepting the much more afforable Indiana State University that would have allowed me to work in the music industry by now. Baka it's called.
I've chased dreams and I have made mistakes. I'm not sure if making that mistake of choosing Cal state instead of Indiana was for the better or worse. Only time will tell i guess, if i would be happy in the end.

One part of me wants to stay here after i graduate. I wish i could have worked in the music industry at least for awhile. Music always made me happy anyway. And being at shows always made me increadibly at peace and trilled. Perhaps that would be my greatest regret in life when i look back 10 years from now and go "if only..." YOU KNOW WHAT? if i DO look back 10 years from now and go "if only..." screw it man, i am gonna reapply for the Music Business program at Indiana State! crap! i don't believe in regretting in life! If you want something, then go do it! geez!

Alright comforted.

On the other hand, the path that i did take has led me here, now, this. I want to teach English in Japan. Why? I guess simply it would be a great experience now wouldn't it?! Or so i think. It would be a different experience. I sent an email to a company that was hiring people and i laid it out to him that I know that being a non native speaker of English (yeap! we malaysians are not! Unless you're from US, UK, Can, Au, NZ, you're not!) works against me.... HE DID reply and asked me a few more questions and perhaps might be willing to talk with me over the phone.

I'm not sure... i want to tell him that i don't think at this point in time, i am ready for this, although i have the desire. I do think that i lack the skills to be the best that i can be. I want to ask him if it's possible to apply for it next May instead (plus, i think they are more schools hiring in early next year too, since Japanese school terms starts in April). Because that would leave me time to GRADUATE, go back to Malaysia to get the certifications and especially some experience in teaching before i actually go hop to a foreign country and do it.

THen again, how do i even know if i'd even qualify now to begin with?

*sigh*

well... it's a dream. I was quite dissapoited talking to Rie yesterday because it's very true that my nationality works against me (since the Japanese do discriminate against other non-white nationalities) but... as the Taking Back Sunday song goes "i never said i'll take this lying down".... and i think i want to do all that i can towards this dream, before giving up on it!

then i'll just open my record store at 1Utama and make that my career for the rest of my life. Go figure. what the hell.

elaine.

dispassionate. that's how i feel. bad feeling. no? need to be more educated. dun be so shallow elaine. don't be so stupid either. but what? but nothing. i can tell you what is a noun phrase and main verb phrase and if i try harder i can tell u which sentence structure it is. i can draw u a tree chart if the sentence don't contain too many adjective phrases. that reminds me i have to go do more tree charts and pratice doing inflectional sentences for the midterms on tuesday. but still elaine, it's all still so simple.
why can't we just have a purely sexual relationship? benefits you benefits me. just for the next four months lets just have some fun. cause i am sick and tired of this. i just want. be good for u too right. why can't you be guided by your dick for once? if only elaine if only.

i don't like myself much. i just don't like how i look. i don't like myself much at this moment but i'm usually okay. i use too many first person singular and i think that shows how narcissitic i really am. need to write more. screw writing. i never had a talent it was all a lie. pretend do you. i saw you walking there. i hid. i want you. even if it's just to fuck you. i do, why else and what else do i want more? that's all. why won't you accept that? i wish you would then maybe i'd be happy and be shallow and not give a fuck about it. right? right.

i don't put on bullshit, they stick to me or at least i aquired it from somewhere without even being concious of it sticking to me and what i am. not what i have become. and how do you feel to find yourself having to tear through those layers and layers of bullshit that suddenly, you're this small little ball defined by so much shit. i can't lie, i can't hide. this is me. really?

everyone has their own bullshit in the end elaine, so don't feel like shit about it.

gosh i just want to fuck you! man, and why the fuck can't i? dammit i do. i don't know. sound good no? why not? just once. fuck that just once. just for the next for months hell yeah! but nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo you don't agree. what the fuck is that. where is your dick man?! fuck it. ouh fuck you taking back sunday. you have it or you don't... ahhh don't fucking remind me, don't make me hate myself, i already don't like me enough ALRIGHT!! geez, don't pile the insecurities on please!

Fragment ideas and too many pronouns. come on, come on stop it you�re not making sense now, you can�t make them want you when they�re all just laughing. right. fuck u taking back sunday, fuck u.

i'm only saying this today although i constantly want it when i think about you but tis ok. tis ok. cause it's just a thought. right? fuck do i want the action. ouh wait, life won't give me that. fuck it.

this is so messed up. to say the least Mr. Lacey, to say the least.

I have to write a paper on King David. I don't know what to write because i am not suppose to say that he's a nice dude. Reading through 1 Sam & 2 Sam, i really wonder why he was said to be the man after God's own heart. Cause u know, this dude really was quite unforgiving and ruthless and also very cunning. The stuff that he did for political power. And even till his deathbed, the people who had spoken against him like YEARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRS ago, he told his son King Solomon to make sure that they won't meet a bloodless death. hmmm. Well i guess it's hard to understand God eh.

Well ok, definitions:

Things that make me happy:
1) a good inspiring song.
2) concerts, most definitely.
3) when i remember that God still loves me.... SERIOUSLY!!!!
4) having friends around.
5) good memories.
6) when something exciting happens.
7) planning for something exciting.
8) making others happy.... =)))))))))))

Things i am worried about right now:
1) my paper.
2) my midterms.
3) my grades.
4) stupid Sundial.
5) homework i have not done.
6) MY GRADUATION......... i really hope i can graduate!!!!
7) MY FUTURE!!!! what i am i gonna do?!

Things i am not so certian about right now:
1) Feelings tied to Ryota.... I have decided i will forget him, that much i can define. I have decided to move on and not care or at least not be affected. I've decided that i will not do anything about him anymore.... On the other hand, it still hurts to think about the good times i had with him... It makes me happy to think about it, yet sad that it has come to an end like this.
2) DUDE MY FUTURE!!! i am scared i wun get the job i want over here: a preschool teacher actually.... because i wanna work in Japan in the future. but that also looks quite if not VERY uncertain... so i don't know.

So that's today's definition.

DAYS AWAY!!!!

YEAPPP!!! FINALLY!!! Their FIRST REAL RECORD will be out!!! After being together as a band for what? 10 years! finally!On that note, i would like to comment about Days Away. I think if you're expecting an energy filled, totally rocking show, you're gonna be dissapointed with Days Away. Because they're not about that, i don't feel that they are, if they were they wouldn't have come up with the songs that they did. Days Away evokes you to dance with them, not to mosh, and that's the difference.And what Days Away offers and i sincerely believe and have told Keith, is that Days Away offers songs that are beautiful, from the hearts of all 5 members of the band who blend and intertwine so wonderfully to become the melodies of their songs... If you're looking for a poppish catchy one hit wonder, you'll just have to look somewhere else. And like Keith said to me once, "believe me if i wasn't doing this (from my heart), i wouldn't be doing this at all," and like Keith said to their manager, "i will have none of that, if you want us to make music that's going to sound like a band that's already out there, you can find yourself another band," and that's the quality that has been put into this album... and I hope people will see that beauty.

WUAHAHHAHA!! taking back sunday will be playing on my campus!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!! what a dream come true!!! what a great experience to wrap up my whole concert experience here in america!! thank you taking back sunday. i love you.

and finally....

anata to iru no ga suki de ato wa hotondo kirai de...

sorry had to change kimi to anata... after all, i am not male... can't really use kimi right???

ok, well this one's about Ryota... and i think if i stopped listening to all these songs, i'll miss him less... but still... i CAN'T STOP LISTENING TO THE SONGS OKAY!

One of my classmates introduced us to this street art site during my radical media tutorial class... was browsing through it and i had alot of amazing street art and also Cultural Jamming pieces... Will post up more in time. enjoy

Well this is the first and perhaps the last time i am gonna blog political.... somehow the phrase "freedom of speech" doesn't really make me feel comfortable with blogging about politics (even if i am in America, MORE SO because i AM in America).... I just have this paranioa that everything is being bugged, and of course since blogs are public, anyone can read it.... and it's not exactly safe for me a IMMIGRANT student and cursed, journalist, to be blogging too much against the government of this country.

But i shall... after a talk with Kelvin, it has made me wanna talk about it.

*DISCLAIMER: ok... i am gonna be quite critical, if not HARSH on certain groups of people namely those who are supporters of "our" president of the USA and also republicans* (see footnote) .... I want to say that if u don't want to get pissed off with me, you should just skip this whole post, but i hope u will read on... even if ur gonna hate me after this, because this is my point of view and i hope u will listen out... my argument is not absolutely water proof, but i do think that i have a point to make (especially stuff abt Christianity and the war) and i think i make a sensible point at that.

I have something to pick with Republicans.... One thing "good" about them is that, they are a damn cohesive group. I must say, republicans always agree on the same things, they REALLY REALLY do share the same values. Unlike democrats or liberals, cause i feel that everyone has their own idea of what social justice means, therefore, no one group can come to a common understanding.
But i CANNOT, and i mean CANNOT stand republicans cause they just WILL NOT accept other point of views other than their own. They just CANNOT agree to it! I have no IDEA how the hell they can bring every discussion back to conservatism and Christan values! Like EVERYTHING! they will manage to argue against you and say how it's not good because this and that is not controlled enough, and how it's not Christian enough.
And i cannot cannot, simply CANNOT understand how they can be so damn heartless and blind towards social injustice, how they can keep supporting megapowers that keep people in poverty. How can they blame poor people for being poor and increasing crime in the country when can't the fucking see that the governmental policies are the ones that are making these people poor??? I've NEVER lived or grew up in East LA, but i have these classmates that i soooooooooooooooooooo feel like SHOVING them to East LA and make them grow up there and let's see if your fucking government is as great as you think it is! SERIOUSLY! How the hell can u keep supporting big businesses to the expense of others and even yourself?! Do you think it's right that your government is spending billions of dollars blowing some country thousands of miles away while the cost of your education increases 30% every year??? How can you justify that in your head??? How can you justify government policies that pays teacher better according to the results that their students get in exams whennnnnnnnn some of these students don't even have textbooks because the schools didn't get enough money from the governement to buy them to begin with because of bad performance??? How can you turn the poor against themselves and blame them for something that they're not even responsible for? I really HATE educational policies in this country because it's fucking stupid! How can you make laws that will grant good schools more money when it's the low performing schools that actually need it??? Seriously!! and how can you actually have people who agree with such a stupid policy to begin with?!
I mean if we wanna talk about a country being poor, like third world countries, it's really true that they're poor, you jnow, that they really do lack money. America? They're in a budget deficit not cause they're damn poor, it's cause the government spend their money stupidly on unnecessary shit!

I mean how stupid can a nation get when the determining factor of the elections were MORAL ISSUES... GAY RIGHTS, REPRODUCTION RIGHTS. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! So you don't give a damn if your son or daughter gets send to war and get killed but you give a fuck if they're gay???? WTF IS THAT?!

And i ABSOLUTELY do not know the mind of God, but shedding blood and being gay, i wonder which God abhors more???

Ok and lets talk about this whole being Christian thing. I am a Christian and therefore, i will NOT stand up for my "religion" but i will stand up for my God whom i love.

I just think it's very crap that this whole war is waged under the banner of religion (so much for seperation of church and state at that! dumbass americans. You won't fucking allow prayers to be said at football games but you allow presidents to wage war in the name of Christianity. That is just so damn stupid, why the fuck can't people SEE that?! gosh!)..

sorry, got side track... I just think that it's very crap that this whole war is waged under the banner of religion. Of Christianity.

Kelvin brought up a very good point about how we don't really know how God brings about His justice. After all, it REALLY seemed very unfair that Moses was denied going into the promise land just because of ONE sin after he had to go through ALLLL those crap the isrealites put hin through. And it was a small mistake at that! All he did was hit his staff against the rock instead of just commanding the rock (like what God told him to do)... and so he was not allowed to enter the promise land...

BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.... after going through the bible... The Hebrew Bible anyway... as a NON religious text, you do see that God cares for people, ESPECIALLY the oppressed! lemme reitterate that... THE OPPRESSED (yeah man the people living in East LA! not your damn well manicured lawn of homes that sprall the hills of Vermont or some shit like that)

And i think it's fucked up that this war is like an eradication or war against Islam cause YO, PEOPLE, DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT GOD HIMSELF PLACED THE MUSLIM RACE THERE HIMSELF???????

Gosh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if God hated the muslims race he would have NEVER saved Hagar and Ishmeal and would have never promised to make a great nation out of Ishmeal! SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET THAT INTO YOUR HEAD!!!! goshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

OUH MANNNNNNNNN.... if there's bone to be picked with the Muslims let the JEWS do it. Goshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! SERIOUSLY!! so pissed off about this.........

ANd the other thing why i REALLY hate that this war is fought under the banner of Christianity and we have a president who's flauting around how utterly Christian he is, is that DUDE, this war is giving Christianity a bad name.... OKAY i don't mind maybe that Christianity is getting a bad name, but YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO people are hating my God and Jesus for it!!!

What is the logic in that?!

DUDE PRESIDENT CAN'T U SEE??? THIS AIN'T NO GLORIFYING GOD!!! cause mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.. while the 200 million people voted for you thinks that you're like God's messanger, you're turning the rest of the 6 BILLION people in the world against Jesus.

I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT THINK THAT'S RIGHT!

how the heck am i gonna tell people "yo, Jesus is a God of love.... He loves everyone man, that's why He died for your sins, don't you know?" when there you have, MR PRESIDENT, self proclaimed messager of God, killing off people, declaring war (ok technically Congress does that) on nations, making the rich richer and telling the poor get the fuck out of my country....

HOW THE HECK ARE WE GOING TO TELL PEOPLE THAT JESUS IS LOVE WHEN ALL YOU'VE SHOWN IS VENGENCE AND UNFORGINESS AND HATE FOR THOSE WHO DON'T AGREE WITH YOU AND WHO'S DIFFERENT FROM YOU.

Jesus came to help those in need man.... Even in the Hebrew Bible... God has always been a God of mercy towards all who is in need, to the poor and the sick and the lame... God has ALWAYS had a place in His heart for the people in most need (all the way from Genesis man)... ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS His SECOND MOST COMMANDMENT to LOVE OTHERS as you Love yourself man................... God has always said whether it was in the Old testament or in the new testemant gosple of grace, that His PIORITY is NOT FOR YOU TO KILL YOUR ENEMIES but rather to love them, but RATHER to open your home to those who needs you!!!!

Sodom and Gomorrah... Sodom and Gommorah wasn't just destroyed because they were immoral, but also because there were not righteous people in the city... and by righteousness God meant that no one opened their homes to the foreingers who came to the city....

God told us to LOVE, man, that is HIS FIRST commandment... Mr. President... and all of you VERY VERY Christian republicans supporter of Mr. President.... do you see ANYTHING that the government today even remotely resembles love? Giving more money to the rich, making rich corporations even richer, being unforgiving to the enemies, waging wars in the name of what?!, enacting anti-immigrant laws because they make the nation poor (well duh! when all your money is drained towards the rich people and the corporations), putting POOR neighborhoods (the very neighborhoods you were COMMANDED BY GOD TO HELP) into even worse situation by turning financing away from them whether it's for healthcare or education...

do you think this is right? do you think waht you're doing is love? do you think serious, dude discard all your stupid conservative thinking and just think for a moment, if JESUS was here on earth, He'd be sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo incredibly happy with your actions?

i may not be close to my God these days because i have neglected to read my Bible and go to Church, but from the God i know, and love, and used to study, this is NOT what He had in mind as His definition of Love man........

i don't think i know the mind of God.... and i can't understand why Moses was so severely punished.... but I DO KNOW that God is a God of love, that iONE THING i have never doubted in Jesus....
and these days those who proclaim to be His servants, i really can't see the Love result of their actions man....... who do you help Mr President? is it not just yourself and people like you?

sometimes maybe God should obliverate us all...

God DID regret having appoint Saul as king of Isreal....

I wonder if God regrets this too?


*Republicans: not all yah.... i mean i know some friends who are republicans they're good people..

Today (or yesterday i guess):

1) the message plant i bought from japan that i gave to Akio actually grew!!! so yay! he got my "arigatou" message, though it took him two weeks of watering the plant to get it to grow... but at least in the end it did right??? How cool... i hope the plant won't wither by Monday and he remembers to bring it to school so i can actually SEE how the message grew on the plant (i mean how the hell do you get a plant to grow messages?!) and maybe take a pic of it... japanese products, damn amazing ne! I'd ask him to take a pic of it himself for me, but Akio's sick, so i don't really want to trouble him...

2) saw ryota at the library.
needless to say, ruined my day from then on.


Aida asked me today "what makes you happy?"

and u know... the only thing that comes to mind is if i could tour with a band i love forever and ever.... (ok maybe not forever but a subtantial period of my life) i would be incredibly happy and probably be in a perpetual high for that period of time...

why i say so and why i think only of that is cause really, you know, shows and mosh pits have been like instant cures to my depression all the time... whether it was last week, three years ago, five years ago, eight years ago, whether it was in England, California, Denver, Florida, Baltimore, Japan, whether it was beloved Taking Back Sunday, Finch, Days Away, Brand New, Saves The Day, New Found Glory, Alanis Morissette, Asian Kung Fu Generation, it has always made me happy you know, it has always calmed me and made me feel as if life is good....
and i wish i could grasps that feeling all the time...
i told michelle once, that if only they cound encapsulate the feeling of going for a show into a pill, i'd take it EVERYDAY and probably be addicted to it soon enough...

cause it really does make me happy you know... and it really does make me feel as though, life is really good... seriously, standing on those curbside after all those shows with friends waiting for a chance to meet the band and the cold wind against your cheeks.... it really felt like life was just amazing.... perfect, and something to be happy about all the time...

then you get on the bus, go home, go to school and life goes on and the peace and calmness and glimps of that happiness evaporates into the evil reality we see and face and feel and go through... is PUT THROUGH... each day...


Hey, give me space so I can breathe
Give me space so I can sleep
Give me space so you can drown in this with me
Hey, give me space but I can't breathe
Give me space but I can't sleep
Give me just one inch I swear that's all I'll need

Aida.... give Ryota space? like you needed space from Don? you know what? screw that. you loved don, this is different. he (and i don't mean don) is just fucked up, that's all.

here again... the links for those who have not gone yet:

http://www.bandwagonmusic.com/japan/Japan.htm

for the japan pics and

http://www.bandwagonmusic.com/japan/akg.htm

for the AKG show... Kelvin was the only one who wrote back and said he found the hidden link... so i might as well provide the link... I don't know i'm bored... that's why i am reposting the link... i think i have a few more pics of japan to put up but erm... i don't think neone's gonna view them ne.

understanding in a car crash

how appropriate... that this is posted on thursday... so yeah, Thursday... the band. The title of the blog is from Thursday's Cross Out The Eyes.
The picture is credited to Chris... he took it of tokyo.
The song is The Pillows - Strange Chameleon.... great song!!!!! very nostalgic feeling to it, i really like it.

Kimi to iru no ga suki de ato wa hotondo kirai de
mawari no iro ni naji manai deki soko nai no CHAMELEON
yasashi uta o utaitai hakushu wa hitori bun de ii no sa
sore wa kimi no koto da yo

Translation:
I like being with you and I hate almost everything else
a freakish chameleon that can't blend in with its surroundings
I want to sing a gentle song and I only need applause enough for one
That one would be you

And of course, AKG is still available for download.

Read from Right to Left :



Well, i read this manga last weekend and it got me thinking about life. It's from a one shot manga called Endo Stories: For Those Of Us Who Don't Believe in God.

this part really struck me cause... it made me look and think about life in a different way.

I've always believed that life is what you make of it... that maybe you can make the best out of a shitty situation... But lately, i don't quite believe in that, because as much as you try your best sometimes, life still screws up you know... and so life is not always great and it won't always turn out great even if you try your best to make lemonades out of lemons...

But this manga gave a different twist to that... That not necessarily that you can make life better, or that you can make the most out of a shit situation... but rather, happiness and life is a perception.... and thus, even if life is crap and life sucks.... if your outlook on it, if you perceive it to be happy.... then maybe just maybe it is, you know...

and if you think life sucks, then it does. but if you think life is beautiful... then maybe you know what? it would be beautiful.....

maybe it's lying to yourself... but i truly believe that if you want to be happy and view life as being beautiful instead of shit.... you would be happy, no matter what situation you're in... bad or good.

Loop&Loop Music: Asian Kung Fu Generation
One Shot Music: The Pillows

Date: Tue, 19 Apr 2005 00:42:31 -0700 (PDT)
From: Elaine Loh
Subject: read this one: billy
To: Kevin Hor


hey Kevin,

well it's me again... i actually miss writing to you... it's good when you write back... one of those few people who bother replying my loooooooooooooong mails and actually giving me good imput! gosh...

neways, how have you been? what's up with school? when is it over? done and gone with... what's with life and other plans.... did you come over to the US here recently to see your girlfriend?? i thought you said something about that...

neways, i've not been feeling well lately... and by that i'm sure you'd understand by now that it's nothing physical. just emotional as always. but well i'm also sure u'd know by now that i'm always in this perpetual state of discontent. i wonder why. do i want too much. no. not this time perhaps. i feel like fragile clusters and fragments that are flimsly held together by conciousness to make up my being these days. it's like everytime i think about what the heck is bugging me, i start falling apart, i start to fragment and i can feel the strings of limbs trying to hold my self together. when i choose to ignore it and just go to school and not think, i'm okay. music mends but music also reminds me of things i want, had, lost. i'm confused. i desire. and i just lost what i had. but damn, life should be much better. and i do want more. i have had so much, and i thank God really, i really do, that i already had so many of my dreams come true, and yet i find myself, still, having more i wish to have...

to be unvague... i'm just perpetually bug by thoughts of japan, by desires of want to be back there again, somehow someday not too far away, i hope. i want to return. perhaps it was the beauty that captured me like what europe did to me when i was fourteen, perhaps it's the same thread of feelings. but still. it's real and it's really bugging me. and then there's the heartbreak called ryota. and while i don't think i like like him still i miss him and what i had with him and i can't understand why he just stopped talking to me and i am confused. and i am heartbroken and i wish we could have had what we had, even if it wasn't much, i wish i had our friendship still, that's all... and i can't understand why after all i have said to him, he still had the heart to make me make him another stupid mistake i've made from following my heart. and then there's again... japan... and what i want to do with the future, and i am so confused and i can't understand what i want to do, that might one day allow me to obtain that which i desire...

and i am left with fragmented thoughts rotating one after another to plauge my mind unceasingly. and my heart is left in ruin in its constant grind. perhaps i should leave it all to the Hands of God... i don't know, i am uncertain of my life and what i want to do... and if only Ryota would reply just one email, at least put a smile on my face, just that tad bit instant for a second... i would be happy, if even everything else is held up fragile around me, at least i know, you are real. but he is not. and i am lost completely... well almost completely. school keeps me going. music makes my heart better but not really because in the melodies of that chords are tied to memories, memories of Japan... which only holds together all these fragments in a common thread and an overwhelming heartache towards something more, if not bigger, in which my heart longs for....


i was reading this manga (japanese comic) the other day "for those who don't believe in god"... it was about some burnt out play director... and basically he's discontented about life and thinks it sucks and he's talking with his friend and his friend tells him that he should be happy with his life cause he has a good job, good girlfriend (whom he beats up btw), and stuff... and his friend compares him to this other student who's young and happy all the time... and the friend said "maybe in his eyes, the world is happy and in your eyes it's not"

and i guess the measure of life comes from our own perception of it... maybe just maybe.

write back yah (and save me from this loneliness)

elaine
-crazy sunshine-

compelled, compound, a problem, i really don't need anymore. i don't want the extra confusion although i appreciate the honesty. i really don't want to think anymore. i really just want to be happy you know. i don't want anything. i just want company. i just want someone to have lunch with, and i would be fine. i want to see his smile perhaps. but nevermind. i can't love one while longing for another. i want you though i don't know why.

sidetracking to Asian Kung Fu Generation, sometimes i feel he's just making up the words so it'd rhyme in japanese. cause it doesn't mean anything, yet sounds so cool together. are ga nai kore mo nai. hey i actually understand that! i didn't realize it... are ga nai (that is not), kore mo nai (this is also not????)... no? are (that) ga (particle) nai (not)... kore (this) mo (particle "also") nai (not).... ne?

i'm tired. i'm bored out of my mind. the words farn, mou liew, sien, mm fan hei, comes to mind... but then again my chinese has always sucked. i just wish that the only thing i am bothered by is him you know.

FOR ALL WHO DON'T KNOW. BTW. RYOTA is NOT TALKING TO ME ANYMORE AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY. One day he was really nice to me, and he stayed to talk for three hours then the next day he don't want to teach me japanese anymore (which is still partially recoverable because i could always ask others and go for the langauge lab) BUT MOST OF ALL, he stopped answering my emails and i can't understand why.

SURE if it's cause of the letter i gave to him and he doesn't like it that i like him, then AT LEAST TELL ME THAT! why the hell did he suddenly stop talking! And also like, i mean, i gave him the letter BEFORE i left for Japan. I sent him an email while i was there and he still replied THAT one... And then after that when i got back and saw him on campus, he still stayed to talk for three hourss. I mean if he had a problem with me by then, then he could have just excused himself WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY earlier and NOT STAYED to talk so long. I mean WTF IS WRONG?!

it's bothering me like TO SAY THE LEAST. and he just WOULD NOT reply any of my emails! wtf is that about?!

so it's end of friendship with him and i feel that is so crap. i mean i am feeling like fuck now, i HAVE BEEN feeling like fuck over him and all these shit for the past three weeks. and i can't seem to reel out of it. I have decided to leave it be, and maybe email him after the finals and demand a reason (cause i don't want him to be bothered with this and his studies since this is like crap to him)... BUT I AM GONNA DEMAND A REASON. but right now i feel like fuck, i really feel like hell and i really really DO NOT NEED other stuff to bother, or feel bothered by right now... i just feel like crap over ryota and it's a shit feeling i can't even get out of! and then compound that with all the thought of Japan and how much i miss it, it's like a deadly dose and mix that's a constant thought that keeps fucking up my mind, that keeps messing around with my heart, that my conciousness keeps dwelling on and keep hounding on it and it's making me feel like shit... making that damn feeling in my heart being punched out... and it's really plaguing me and making me feel like shit... so i really don't need OR WANT other stuff to deal with, you know, i just don't want to deal with more feelings, because i can't cope with this one.

ahhh fuck you ryota. kimi no machi made, i wish i had never seen your town.

elaine.

but fuck, even that... i still want to still.... be with you... like before... i miss you. although i know, i'm a fool to feel that way about you.

From: "Robbie McEvoy" robbie_vgb@earthlink.net
To: "Elaine Loh" Elainelmy@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: the quiet things that no one ever knows
Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 21:58:40 -0700

You feel like you haven't made an impact?

You have no idea how much I admire you. I only hope to one day say that I have accomplished as much and followed my dreams to the extent you have.

There are some things that just have to be said, and I think this is one of them. This is something I've kept to myself for awhile, and to tell you the truth I'm not even sure if I should be saying it. But if theres one thing you inspired me to do, it was to be honest and do things with no regrets instead of holding back. In fact its the part of you that I wish I were more like, you're so open and enthusiastic about things, but I keep almost everything to myself and only speak when spoken to. I rarely open up to anyone about anything. I would say that you know more about me than anyone else, I think I haven't spoke with my best friends in the last four years as much as I have you in the two years we've known each other. You were there when no one else was, you helped me become stronger, more independent., and more confident than I ever could have been without someone there for me. I sometimes wonder where I would be or what my outlook on life and my friendships would be if I had not had you there.

I still have all the emails you sent me, and some of mine too. Gosh, to tell you the truth I can't believe how fucked up we both sounded, and the truth, is that we probably were. I remember you saying so many things, one thing in particular when I was probably at one of my lowest points, I remember I said something like "I don't think I believe in friends anymore". You enthusiastically disagreed and said that friendship is the best thing you can have, and to tell you the truth, just hearing it form you made me think, I felt so stupid once I realized, of course I hadn't given up on friendship, I still had yours.

And that's the second purpose of this message. To tell you the truth. I always wanted to tell you this in person, but writing it down helps me communicate myself better, if I were to try and spit this out, but it would come out stuttered and awkward, and I know I wouldn't be able to express what I really want to say. Sometimes fate is just cruel, and I would like to think that if things had been different, we could have had more than a friendship. I think you're one of the most special girls I've ever met. I still remember an email you sent in the fall of last year...talking about watching the sun rise over the Hudson while we sip coffee...and if only life could be that simple. Do you know how many times you were depressed about a guy and would tell me about how frustrated you were? I never said it, but I wanted to tell you how stupid those guys were for not appreciating how genuine and honest you are.Those are the reasons I felt so comfortable with you in the first place. Do you know how many times I read stuff you had written about a guy, and I was thinking the exact same thing only about you? Did you know that when you offered to take me back to Malaysia to make your friend jealous, and you said we could just pretend to be a couple, and I could go for other girls later? Well I didn't want to go for any other girls. Do you know how many things on my blog I actually wrote about you, or how many hours I lost laying awake in bed thinking about how and when to tell you all these things?

There were so many times when you were down and out, and I wanted to tell you to not worry, that you meant something to me, but I never had the courage to. Well this is it. I realized when you went home over the winter, that once you leave, contacts might be few and far between, so I have to do this now, and I can't let you stay feeling like this again, not when you should be making the most of your last months here, I can't. I have to do this now, not just for me, but for you.

I wish I could have made you feel like you belonged, like you meant something, because to be honest I always wished you were with me at the times when I felt the best. There were times when I was with my friends, barbecues, halo nights, sitting around having a good time and enjoying each other's company, and I wished, God I wished you were there. I would think to myself "I bet Elaine would be having a great time now."

Then there were the times when I wished I could share something special with you. Remember one of the "going away parties" my friends threw for me? At one point in the night after a couple of drinks, Cody and I were waiting for everyone else to arrive. We sat there next to the road, and the stars and moon were so bright, you could see everything around you, glazed over with a light blue. Cody walked back to the tents for a second and I stayed by the dirt road. I sat down on the ground and felt the cool, thin mountain air, everything was so peaceful. The air smelled like the campfire and my mouth tasted like the rich swisher cigar Cody had given me a few moments earlier. I looked up at the stars, and it was a perfect night, you could see the entire sky from one horizon to the next, not a single could, the stars looked almost surreal, like a photograph, with a landscape of mountains and pine trees outlining them. Then the first thing I thought of was you. "If only Elaine could see this with me." I wanted to hold you there with me and gaze at the stars, and talk about life. There were other times I wished that too. I wanted you to make you feel special, because to me, you are more special than you can imagine.

This is the one secluded corner of me you didn;t know about, but you already knew everything else about me, so I figure it can't do much that much harm. Maybe I'm crazy, but this isn't some crush, or obsession. I have been obsessed over girls before, and I have always forgot about them after some period of personal growth. This is different, this has developed over time, as I have grown. Since the first time we talked, the emails we sent back and forth, spending time with you in person, everything, led to this. And if there is anything, anything this changes, please don't let it be our friendship, that is the one thing I cherish the most, and the main reason I never wanted to tell you how I felt. The only reason I ever said anything at all was because I was inspired by you having the guts to tell that guy how you feel about him, after that it was just a question of when, and I think that now is the time. This is the second draft of this letter, and I think the final one. I don't know if this will change anything, except making you feel better. To be honest, I don;t really want to change what we have, but I can;t ignore this and you anymore. If you can only imagine how hard it is for me to press send once I finish. I just hope I didn't ramble because, I know...I think too much.

I just hope you can look back on your time here and feel accomplished, because you made this awkward, quiet, self-loathing boy, stronger than he ever could have been without you. I will never forget you, and you will always hold a place in my heart. As cliche as it might sound, you saved me, and I think you should be pretty proud of that.

-robbie


Date: Sun, 17 Apr 2005 01:40:17 -0700 (PDT)
From: Elaine Loh elainelmy@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: ????To: robbie_vgb@earthlink.net

Cause I could be your best bet
Let alone your worst ex
And let alone your worst...

I've always wanted to be the best bet. I'm not. unfortunately. i don't think i can be.


To your letter.

I don't think i'll ever, ever, ever again be on the receiving end of such pure and intense feeling ever again.... as much as my friends say i would, i doubt it.

thanks for always making me feel better when i feel like crap. or at least the trying, and you always do try. sorry i have not done the same for you.

i think that you're one of the best guys i've known in my life. one of those rare gems that have not been tainted or stolen or defiled. I wrote a letter to your mom that time i went to your place telling her what great kids she has, and she does. she's very blest to have a son like you. unlike my parents with ingrates like my brother and i. you're everything a guy should be. not one of those fake "ideal guy" crap they sell in women and teen magazines. fuck that shit.
but because of crap like that too, i feel, that guys like you (if there's actually more people like you that exist! hard to grasps!) feel like shit about your own self. which was why i always tried to tell you not to feel like crap about yourself, because you're truly wonderful robbie... and i do wish that fate would have been different... for you and for me.

i know... I DID NOT know actually, of the many times you had wished to have been able to spend a special moment with me (damn u hide it damn well you know that?! hellz! if only i was as effective as you as masking feelings! geez)... but you know, there have been times that i had wish, not for that special moment, but all the rest of the monotonous moments in my life, that you could have been there with me...cause hellz, we're both as bored, we like the same things and all that stuff... it would have been excellent if i was there or if you were here... it would have been great and i would take that drive to nowhere with you, or we could just sit at home and watch those A&E cold case files, or we could go for some show... preferably on the lines of: taking back sunday, Saves the Day, Brand New... finch... and Days Away (gosh i miss them all) or well........ excellent, you could teach me play Halo so i can go over to my host family's place and FINALLY get a kill off Jordan... hmmm....

but life didn't work out that way.

unfortunately.

i do wish things could have been different sometimes.

on the other hand, thanks for writing me that email... of course it won't change a thing. i'm just scared i'll break your heart, when i've tried so hard to make you like yourself abit more... and there i go fucking things up again... It's my fate or something, to fuck things up.

but you know, what you did, writing that letter, is incredibly admirable(to say the least!!!!)... something that i would do!!! hellz!!! remember... "the only thing that matters is just following your heart and eventually you'll finally get it right"... And i think you got it right.... I don't know what outcomes were you expecting out of it... and maybe that's why i didn't know how to reply either!

I feel very very very incredibly touched and had absolutely no idea how much i meant to you, and i am glad that my time here wasn't wasted you know... and i really really really hope and pray that you will one day go out there and shine and be all that you can be (it sounds cliched but i mean every word of it) that you'd go out there and kick ass and don't feel bad that you're good at what you're good at and others get crushed in the end...

but i also do hope that your heart won't change... stay gold, robbie... because i like you the way you are, i like your heart and how you feel for others, for everyone around you, the respect and the care you have for people (even/especially those who might not treat you the same way), the love you have for your family, and just simply the way you are very self sacrificial and i've NEVER ONCE, and i mean it, NEVER ONCE EVER detected any selfishness in you and mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, that is like IMPOSSIBLE to find in anyone.... and i hope you'll always carry that with you in your heart for others.

I hope we'll stay friends even if i have to leave. I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope you could come to malaysia one day and stay for awhile... it's a nice country!! lacking bands and shows, of course, and that, is the biggest suckiness of that country... sometimes, i don't want to go home because of that! But yeah... please don't think anything will change... with the internet, you know i'll always be around, and i want to be there for you, because i really want to see you succeed in life... and really end up somewhere rewarding one day.... then you'll see that you don't always have to fit that stupid "ideal guy" shit on cosmo but still be... everything that a girl wants... just as long as you don't sell out (and i know you won't)... and robbie, in your case, just as long as you stay the wonderful guy you are... cause you really are!

elaine

SORRY IT TOOK ME SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LONG TO REPLY!!!!! u know, it's hard to respond to an amazing letter which i do NOT EVER think i'd ever receive again u know!!! *hugs*


And so life is fucked up because of this i guess.... i am still hung up about ryota... not cause of anything but i just don't understand why he just stopped talking to me, you know. and i just don't understand why. and i just wish he would tell me why... that's really all.... that's all i want from him.