into the void

Yeahhhh so today I went to Church. Yeahhhhh.... I'm staying in Shin-Okubo, and this place is known as Tokyo's Korea Town...... So there are actually lots of Churches here... So I went to a Church...

It turned out to be a Lutheran Church.

I saw the flier outside the church when i first got here and saw they had English service on Sundays. I missed last week service coz I overslept but ahahaha I made it today! I ALMOST wanted to oversleep again BUTTTTT... I thought I'd be cool to go to Church here in Japan, since I've NOT been doing ANY tourist stuff in Tokyo AT ALL since I got here, I thought it'd be nice to go to Church for the experience of it! lols...


They had a combined service today, Candlelight Service, to begin the celebration of the 100th Anniversary of their Church which is in 2012 (3 years ahead! wow!)



I like methodical churches! There's always a order of worship! ahahahah...


Anyway, so the whole service was in Japanese but I got English version of the order of worship. Actually, they have a priest there who is American (his accent sounded American), but today was a combined worship in Japanese. They also had the hymns in English for the English speaking congregants (is this even a word??).... But of course everyone else was singing in Japanese... And the Confirmation of Faith and Lord's Prayer was also in Japanese, but of course, those non-Japanese speakers said it in English.... softly hehehe...



And some parts, we had to sing in Japanese... But the song sheet had ROMAJI there! So, just read the romaji yo.... I tried to understand what was being sung.... But to little avail... lols.




Anyway, the sermon was also in JAPANESE.... But they actually had an English translation of the whole thing!!!



Well, I couldn't understand fully and specifically what the pastor was saying... But I think I understood enough to follow his sermon while reading the part in English....

His sermon today was about "God with Us". Through our suffering and through our questions of WHY.

I was really touched by two parts of his sermon that I felt God was talking to me...

One part was when he talked about when Jesus died, Jesus said "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?".....
Many years before, when I was at the Easter service in KL Wesley, these words really struck me at that time because I had thought about how indescribable the pain was to Jesus at that time... NOT THE PHYSICAL PAIN AT ALL.... But to imagine Christ being seperated from GOD. It's like for those hours, GOD Himself was torn away from Himself... And just imagine Jesus, who has been in commune with God from eternity to eternity, for those hours, GOD HAD TURNED AWAY!!!! IMAGINE THAT PAIN!!!!!!! I think, it cannot be imagined.

But today, I got a new meaning from that... When I was pondering on those words, what the pastor had said was about how Jesus himself had to suffer like we did, that HE felt that God was not even there... JESUS you know!....

And I felt those words touch me cause, I guess... although I know it was me who ran away from God, but I felt as if my prayers had fallen to deaf ears... That God wasnt there listening anymore..... But Jesus too, felt the same thing, EVEN EVEN EVEN EVEN MORE... I mean for a sinner like me to feel God is not there... and for JESUS to feel God was not there!


And... The second part was "God with Us"...

And the pastor talked about a girl he had met and prayed for.... Who had been sick her whole life.... and seemingly cursed and wrecteched.... What words could he use to comfort her?? It's like EASY to tell people reasons.... But when you are really going through pain and doubt... all you can think about is "WHHY????????" the eternal why.....!!!!

And the pastor said, while he gave the holy communion to her, a thought came to him... and it was that, at this very moment, while partaking in Jesus's body and His blood, God accepted her as she was, with all her questions and whys and no answers, but God took her in as she is...

The same way... I really feel.... REALLY REALLY wrecthed about the whole Snake ordeal and I CANNNOT CANNOT understand what God has me to learn from this... Why God, why didn't You just let me leave back in April and I would have NEVER have met him and I would have NEVER had got into this BIG PILE of mess and screwed up an ENTIRE YEAR, WASTED.

But as I am, SINNER as I am, not just with questions, but with hurt and YES, with BLAME (wrongly).... And even although EVERYTHING was my fault for persisting in a completely wrong relationship, and in the end blaming God for it.... I guess.... God still accepts me with all these imperfection in me.

God with Us.

Indeed.


True God to True God.

You know whether it's in Japanese, Arabic, Thai, Korean or Spanish... God doesn't only speak in English, God doesn't only speak in one language.


I'm glad God let me worship Him, True God to True God, even here in Japan... And allowed me to take part in Holy Communion with Him here with our Family in Japan... Even with all my doubt, even with all my hurt, even with all my blame.

I wonder if I'll be okay.

I want to know that I'll be okay as long as God is with me.

I really hope that can be true.



Oh... by the way... in their Holy Communion, they used real wine!! And also... the priests said in Japanese, "あんたのために、クリストの体。” which literally means... "The body of Christ, for you," and also, "あなたのため、クリストの血。" which literally means... "The blood of Christ, for you,"

Waaa~ I understood.... lols.

Elaine actually went to a Christian bookstore today... I just had this desire to like to get some devotional books last night, so i decided to go to a bookstore today after my interview...

Despite popular belief, I actually DO enjoy learning more and studying about the Bible...

It's just that, my problem is that, at one time, I wanted to study more, not just those nice encouragement word of the day type of quiet time materials. I wanted (and I still do) to learn about the background, the context, the actual meaning of texts in the Bible. I want to know, and I still want to master the meaning of texts.

And I think my biggest problem these days is my rejection of all things that are doctrine and/or dogma. I don't know why (actually, i do know why), but I just want to know the REAL meaning behind texts in the Bible... I don't just want some person's or pastor's or writer's interpretation of a text with their views colored by dogma and doctrines of the Church. I feel that interpretations by man, are fallible... and therefore, I don't want to read a book about their views only to be convinced, or learn it as if it's Gosple Truth, when it's NOT.

At the same time, I think my thinking is also flawed, because many of these people, or at least some of them, DO have great qualifications in the field they are writing about. And even if it's not about qualifications, these people definitely DO KNOW and HAVE STUDIED the texts WAYYYYYYY MOREEEEEEE than I have ever. So, in that sense, I should also sit down and perhaps listen to what they have to say. It's not completely foundless what they're saying, even if I think it is fallible and it can be biased and that it's not a complete picture they're painting...

Also, when I was going through the books, I also thought that, you know... before I want to say that I don't agree with something, I should know BOTH sides of the story... That, while I feel this rejection of doctrines and dogmas, I SHOULD actually know more thoroughly what they are about... If I truly one to be a person who wants to understand God, or understand the Word of God, I SHOULD know what both sides are saying.

Like if academians absolutely rejects the Church or the Church refuses to acknowledge the academians, BOTH, I feel, are flawed... And I don't agree to such ignorance any how... Therefore, that said, I should then DO READ both sides of the story and not just the one I want to believe.

That said........ will God be found in the unceasing critical research of the academics, or the inshakable belief of the Church?


Anyway.................. I got two books today. One is a bible study guide.. The title caught me, "Entrusting Your Dreams to God", muahahahahhahahhaha!! It's SOOOOOO like a bible study I should do!! hahahahahah... Anyway, it's a study on Hannah, and I hope to follow it as closely as possible, in hopes that I would find my heart with God...

The second book I got is called "Fabricating Jesus" by Craig A. Evans... I was abit skeptical about this book, at first.

I wanted to get another book "How Jewish is Christianity?" This is a subject I really desire to study much further because I believe that Christianity cannot be seperated from Judaism, and to understand the actual meaning of the Bible is to understand its context within Judaism.

But anyway, I saw this other book, Fabricating Jesus, and read the introduction a little and found the book quite compelling... While, yes, I think of course, the writer has his firm hold and beliefs in Church doctrines and dogma, he is EXTREMELY authoritative in the New Testament AND also the Old Testament... And his strong belief in understanding Semitism as a key to understanding Christianty also caught my attention...

But anyway, I leave you with a line from the introduction (where I stopped), which was what made me get the book.

"My academic life has not resulted in the loss of faith. Aspect of my faith have changed, to be sure. Not everything is cut and dried, black and white, as it once was. There are aspects of theology that remain uncertain, historical details that remain unclear. But then again, I have found that that was the way it was for Jesus and his earliest followers. Maybe not having pat answers for everything is what faith is all about."

And I strongly agree with this.

My rejection of Church doctrines and dogma, and perhaps, the part of me that is detached from the church lately is because of my feelings of that... That you know what? Our religion, our beliefs, our faith, is not so cut and dried, and it is certainly totally not black and white-- and I feel that, it is this myraid of the faith that the church fails to address and fails to educate its followers about-- because things are NOT so simple.....

But that said.... as the writer wrote you know, "maybe not having pat answers for everything is what faith is about."

I don't want to be lied to, or glossed over, or presented with a convenient belief... I want the Truth, I want to know what's true... or at least what's closest to the truth, or even, I just want what's out there, the discussions, the discourse, the discord... I don't believe in being blind...

If we are a Faith of the Light, I don't believe in continuing in living darkness about the things that are closest to our Faith.

Get me?

I want to know because I want to know God. I want to understand the things about God. I want to know what are the unknown, uncertain, unanswered aspects of God too, which are AS important as that which is known. Because God is all that, because... because what IS the Truth? And I want to know what is the Truth of God and Jesus and His creation and Him as Creator. What does He mean? What is His actual expectations? What is He really like? What did He REALLY say?

Because, I think... God is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo infinitely much more than what we are told.

And that is what, that is why, I have, God forgive me, a slight tatse of disdain for going to church lately... It's not that I don't believe, It's not that I am lazy (not entirely!), It's not that I don't want to be a good disciple, it's not that I don't want to serve, It's totally not coz God is not important in my life anymore...

It's just that I feel that the church is not revealing the whole truth, or not enlightening us enough of the variations of our Faith-- because I really do think that to too many Christians, Christianity is so compartmentalized for them, so straightfoward... when the truth is that, you know... it's not.... Dude, Christianity is totally not as simple was what the pastor tells you every Sunday, or even in Sunday School OR even in your own cell-group weekly Bible Study.

I don't believe that just because there's a discord, that not everything is answered, that just because I QUESTION, doesn't mean that I don't believe anymore. Doesn't mean that it's WRONG to question, to wonder, or that I am an unbeliever.

I want to find God there. There within the shifting chasms of Faith. I want to find God there because I believe that even there, God can be found.

I believe in just coming as a child does-- but it doesn't mean that we should not be open to, should not be exposed to the entirety of the Faith. It doesn't mean that we should just believe in that which makes sense, because not everything makes sense. Doesn't mean we should take what we've been told just because it's been that way for the past 2000 years through Chruch history. The Church itself HAS been influenced by MAN.

I believe that it is with ALLLLLLLL those stuff, and ALLLLLLL those mind blowing, logic twisting, doubt inducing questions and truths that you come with a Faith of a child-- because that is the only way you can.


WELL!!!! Let's hope I won't crash and burn in the process and end up in Hell.

Bah!!!!!!!!!!!

DISCLAIMER:
Hey dat said, I am not criticizing everyone in Church for being "blind" or whatever. There are quite a few Christians I know who are in great relationships with God and there are also a number of Spritual believers whose faith I totally admire.
The only part that I am being critical about is the different and debatable aspects of our faith that completely lack addressing and awareness in our Church. I just feel that we're just being glossed over about these things when THOSE variation and uncertainty ARE parts of our Faith, and I believe we should ALL know about it and learn about it.

elainelmy: i dunno lah....... i tell my friends all i want is happiness
elainelmy: and she told me just now..... happiness is temporary... find joy in God which is everlasting
sangkropik: yeap
elainelmy: and then i told her
elainelmy: u know what?
elainelmy: i dun know joy in God
elainelmy: cause i really cannot see the "goodness" in things messing up
elainelmy: build character?
sangkropik: yeah.. find happiness in god
elainelmy: screw that cause it's making me worse
sangkropik: or so they say
elainelmy: i mean GOD KNOWS it's making me worse
elainelmy: why does He keep doing it anyway!
sangkropik: but really i now know what's happiness is
sangkropik: though i'm positive it wont last long
sangkropik: but i'll just suck every drop of it
sangkropik: enjoy it while it last
elainelmy: well dats what i balme God also
elainelmy: geez
elainelmy: i blame God alot huh
elainelmy: i mean
elainelmy: seriouslyyyyyyyyyyyyy
elainelmy: i dunno lah
elainelmy: i am so un-Christian!!!
elainelmy: shuckssssssssssss
sangkropik: no, from islam's point of view
sangkropik: we cannot blame God
sangkropik: that's just God testing us
elainelmy: from Christian point also like that!!!!!!!!!!!
sangkropik: so then
elainelmy: and they say that God will not put u thru test He dun think u can't get thru
sangkropik: we should be strong!
sangkropik: hahaha
elainelmy: BUT THEN I AM THINKING
sangkropik: oh no
sangkropik: God will put us in test
elainelmy: U KNOW WAHT GOD???? it's making me depressed... making me contemplate suicide.... it's making me feel like shite.... it's making me hopeless abt life
sangkropik: so that only those who can endure it
sangkropik: hmmm
elainelmy: so why are You still putting me thru it
elainelmy: if it's only making me worse?!
sangkropik: being suicidal is just like running from problems
elainelmy: no man
elainelmy: i dun think it's running away
elainelmy: i think it's just dat i wanna sleep
elainelmy: but anyways
sangkropik: hahaha
elainelmy: SO DATS WHAT I BLAME GOD FOR SOMETIMES
elainelmy: i also feel i am spitting in God face also
elainelmy: cause i am blind towards the rest of the stuff He's giving me
elainelmy: that i dun deserve
sangkropik: but that shows that u still believe in God right?
elainelmy: or that like is going great for me but i dun apprecaite it
sangkropik: you still think that all this while God make u like this
elainelmy: well of course i believe in God, and i still Love Him
sangkropik: yeah
sangkropik: then its good
elainelmy: just dat sometimes i feel very angry at life
elainelmy: for being so fucked up
elainelmy: and not going how i want it to go
elainelmy: when sometimes
elainelmy: how i want it to go
elainelmy: is to help others also
elainelmy: while feeling happy helping others
elainelmy: or doing stuff for others
elainelmy: even when it's BEING NICE
elainelmy: i am still fucked over
elainelmy: makes me feel u know like it's not worth being nice
elainelmy: i should just be fucking mean like the rest of the world
elainelmy: since even the good are always the losers
elainelmy: so why the fuck bother


a erm... a song by Pedro the Lion... actually he sings alot of hymns...... but anyways.... I liked his renditions of hymns... makes it real nice, real personal... just him and his acoustic guitar...

Anyway.... i do love God, i just dun get why He does the thing he does and why the one thing i love so much that be music, it just seems to me that He's always not letting me go that way. It's like God, don't give me this passion and love to begin with if You're not gonna use it or let me do anything with it u know... cause it's really a very shitty feeling to love something so much but to know you can never never grasps it... it really REALLY sucks. so that's my main bitch for the day.

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I�m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I�m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here�s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I�ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.


elainelmy: okies
elainelmy: i wills top bitching here
elainelmy: cause sometimes i feel
elainelmy: like God is gonna strike me down
sangkropik: hahaha
elainelmy: and show me what SHIT really is
elainelmy: cause i am bitching sooooooooooooo much
elainelmy: abt stupid stuff.
sangkropik: its not stupid...
sangkropik: even me sometimes
elainelmy: well it's trivial
elainelmy: it's not like i am like a beggar in petaling street hooked on dope
elainelmy: u know what i mean???
elainelmy: THAT is serious shit.
elainelmy: mine is just a spoilt brat's complain

you don't belong

Straylight's today.

why do i always feel like i don't belong.

I want to talk to Fred... Fred's the only one I've never heard a squeak from at all.

I feel sad.

I wish I wish Jesus was a real human being like right here right now... i mean He's real of course... but i wish He was in a form of a person and He could go for shows with me, i wonder if He would to begin with, but I wish he was a person... a friend who would go for shows with me... and He's be there to talk to me for the whole 6 hours as I wait for the show to start... and He'd always make me feel happy.... He may rebuke me when I go wrong but i'll always know He won't ever hate me.... And He won't dissapoint me ever, He'd make me smile and when I start feeling bad about myself, or feel unworthy, or feel sad and dissapointed about some things or if i can't meet a band or if I don't feel like i'm good enough, He'd be sitting there next to me on that hard concrete floor in the cold and I would be telling Him all these how i feel and I'd look at him wanting to cry and He'd be looking at me and His eyes will be saying... "aww, elaine, I love you the way you are..." and when i look into His eyes I feel fine again because I know that all I ever need is Him... and He is enough for me... and He makes me feel nice... He makes me feel special... He always makes me feel like I don't need anyone else or anything else because I have him...

I wish Jesus was there with me at shows like physically sit down there with me because at least with him there right next to me I know I'm the most special girl in the world... and that's all I ever need.

I <3 You, Jesus =)