From: "Robbie McEvoy" robbie_vgb@earthlink.net
To: "Elaine Loh" Elainelmy@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: the quiet things that no one ever knows
Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 21:58:40 -0700
You feel like you haven't made an impact?
You have no idea how much I admire you. I only hope to one day say that I have accomplished as much and followed my dreams to the extent you have.
There are some things that just have to be said, and I think this is one of them. This is something I've kept to myself for awhile, and to tell you the truth I'm not even sure if I should be saying it. But if theres one thing you inspired me to do, it was to be honest and do things with no regrets instead of holding back. In fact its the part of you that I wish I were more like, you're so open and enthusiastic about things, but I keep almost everything to myself and only speak when spoken to. I rarely open up to anyone about anything. I would say that you know more about me than anyone else, I think I haven't spoke with my best friends in the last four years as much as I have you in the two years we've known each other. You were there when no one else was, you helped me become stronger, more independent., and more confident than I ever could have been without someone there for me. I sometimes wonder where I would be or what my outlook on life and my friendships would be if I had not had you there.
I still have all the emails you sent me, and some of mine too. Gosh, to tell you the truth I can't believe how fucked up we both sounded, and the truth, is that we probably were. I remember you saying so many things, one thing in particular when I was probably at one of my lowest points, I remember I said something like "I don't think I believe in friends anymore". You enthusiastically disagreed and said that friendship is the best thing you can have, and to tell you the truth, just hearing it form you made me think, I felt so stupid once I realized, of course I hadn't given up on friendship, I still had yours.
And that's the second purpose of this message. To tell you the truth. I always wanted to tell you this in person, but writing it down helps me communicate myself better, if I were to try and spit this out, but it would come out stuttered and awkward, and I know I wouldn't be able to express what I really want to say. Sometimes fate is just cruel, and I would like to think that if things had been different, we could have had more than a friendship. I think you're one of the most special girls I've ever met. I still remember an email you sent in the fall of last year...talking about watching the sun rise over the Hudson while we sip coffee...and if only life could be that simple. Do you know how many times you were depressed about a guy and would tell me about how frustrated you were? I never said it, but I wanted to tell you how stupid those guys were for not appreciating how genuine and honest you are.Those are the reasons I felt so comfortable with you in the first place. Do you know how many times I read stuff you had written about a guy, and I was thinking the exact same thing only about you? Did you know that when you offered to take me back to Malaysia to make your friend jealous, and you said we could just pretend to be a couple, and I could go for other girls later? Well I didn't want to go for any other girls. Do you know how many things on my blog I actually wrote about you, or how many hours I lost laying awake in bed thinking about how and when to tell you all these things?
There were so many times when you were down and out, and I wanted to tell you to not worry, that you meant something to me, but I never had the courage to. Well this is it. I realized when you went home over the winter, that once you leave, contacts might be few and far between, so I have to do this now, and I can't let you stay feeling like this again, not when you should be making the most of your last months here, I can't. I have to do this now, not just for me, but for you.
I wish I could have made you feel like you belonged, like you meant something, because to be honest I always wished you were with me at the times when I felt the best. There were times when I was with my friends, barbecues, halo nights, sitting around having a good time and enjoying each other's company, and I wished, God I wished you were there. I would think to myself "I bet Elaine would be having a great time now."
Then there were the times when I wished I could share something special with you. Remember one of the "going away parties" my friends threw for me? At one point in the night after a couple of drinks, Cody and I were waiting for everyone else to arrive. We sat there next to the road, and the stars and moon were so bright, you could see everything around you, glazed over with a light blue. Cody walked back to the tents for a second and I stayed by the dirt road. I sat down on the ground and felt the cool, thin mountain air, everything was so peaceful. The air smelled like the campfire and my mouth tasted like the rich swisher cigar Cody had given me a few moments earlier. I looked up at the stars, and it was a perfect night, you could see the entire sky from one horizon to the next, not a single could, the stars looked almost surreal, like a photograph, with a landscape of mountains and pine trees outlining them. Then the first thing I thought of was you. "If only Elaine could see this with me." I wanted to hold you there with me and gaze at the stars, and talk about life. There were other times I wished that too. I wanted you to make you feel special, because to me, you are more special than you can imagine.
This is the one secluded corner of me you didn;t know about, but you already knew everything else about me, so I figure it can't do much that much harm. Maybe I'm crazy, but this isn't some crush, or obsession. I have been obsessed over girls before, and I have always forgot about them after some period of personal growth. This is different, this has developed over time, as I have grown. Since the first time we talked, the emails we sent back and forth, spending time with you in person, everything, led to this. And if there is anything, anything this changes, please don't let it be our friendship, that is the one thing I cherish the most, and the main reason I never wanted to tell you how I felt. The only reason I ever said anything at all was because I was inspired by you having the guts to tell that guy how you feel about him, after that it was just a question of when, and I think that now is the time. This is the second draft of this letter, and I think the final one. I don't know if this will change anything, except making you feel better. To be honest, I don;t really want to change what we have, but I can;t ignore this and you anymore. If you can only imagine how hard it is for me to press send once I finish. I just hope I didn't ramble because, I know...I think too much.
I just hope you can look back on your time here and feel accomplished, because you made this awkward, quiet, self-loathing boy, stronger than he ever could have been without you. I will never forget you, and you will always hold a place in my heart. As cliche as it might sound, you saved me, and I think you should be pretty proud of that.
-robbie
Date: Sun, 17 Apr 2005 01:40:17 -0700 (PDT)
From: Elaine Loh elainelmy@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: ????To: robbie_vgb@earthlink.net
Cause I could be your best bet
Let alone your worst ex
And let alone your worst...
I've always wanted to be the best bet. I'm not. unfortunately. i don't think i can be.
To your letter.
I don't think i'll ever, ever, ever again be on the receiving end of such pure and intense feeling ever again.... as much as my friends say i would, i doubt it.
thanks for always making me feel better when i feel like crap. or at least the trying, and you always do try. sorry i have not done the same for you.
i think that you're one of the best guys i've known in my life. one of those rare gems that have not been tainted or stolen or defiled. I wrote a letter to your mom that time i went to your place telling her what great kids she has, and she does. she's very blest to have a son like you. unlike my parents with ingrates like my brother and i. you're everything a guy should be. not one of those fake "ideal guy" crap they sell in women and teen magazines. fuck that shit.
but because of crap like that too, i feel, that guys like you (if there's actually more people like you that exist! hard to grasps!) feel like shit about your own self. which was why i always tried to tell you not to feel like crap about yourself, because you're truly wonderful robbie... and i do wish that fate would have been different... for you and for me.
i know... I DID NOT know actually, of the many times you had wished to have been able to spend a special moment with me (damn u hide it damn well you know that?! hellz! if only i was as effective as you as masking feelings! geez)... but you know, there have been times that i had wish, not for that special moment, but all the rest of the monotonous moments in my life, that you could have been there with me...cause hellz, we're both as bored, we like the same things and all that stuff... it would have been excellent if i was there or if you were here... it would have been great and i would take that drive to nowhere with you, or we could just sit at home and watch those A&E cold case files, or we could go for some show... preferably on the lines of: taking back sunday, Saves the Day, Brand New... finch... and Days Away (gosh i miss them all) or well........ excellent, you could teach me play Halo so i can go over to my host family's place and FINALLY get a kill off Jordan... hmmm....
but life didn't work out that way.
unfortunately.
i do wish things could have been different sometimes.
on the other hand, thanks for writing me that email... of course it won't change a thing. i'm just scared i'll break your heart, when i've tried so hard to make you like yourself abit more... and there i go fucking things up again... It's my fate or something, to fuck things up.
but you know, what you did, writing that letter, is incredibly admirable(to say the least!!!!)... something that i would do!!! hellz!!! remember... "the only thing that matters is just following your heart and eventually you'll finally get it right"... And i think you got it right.... I don't know what outcomes were you expecting out of it... and maybe that's why i didn't know how to reply either!
I feel very very very incredibly touched and had absolutely no idea how much i meant to you, and i am glad that my time here wasn't wasted you know... and i really really really hope and pray that you will one day go out there and shine and be all that you can be (it sounds cliched but i mean every word of it) that you'd go out there and kick ass and don't feel bad that you're good at what you're good at and others get crushed in the end...
but i also do hope that your heart won't change... stay gold, robbie... because i like you the way you are, i like your heart and how you feel for others, for everyone around you, the respect and the care you have for people (even/especially those who might not treat you the same way), the love you have for your family, and just simply the way you are very self sacrificial and i've NEVER ONCE, and i mean it, NEVER ONCE EVER detected any selfishness in you and mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, that is like IMPOSSIBLE to find in anyone.... and i hope you'll always carry that with you in your heart for others.
I hope we'll stay friends even if i have to leave. I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope you could come to malaysia one day and stay for awhile... it's a nice country!! lacking bands and shows, of course, and that, is the biggest suckiness of that country... sometimes, i don't want to go home because of that! But yeah... please don't think anything will change... with the internet, you know i'll always be around, and i want to be there for you, because i really want to see you succeed in life... and really end up somewhere rewarding one day.... then you'll see that you don't always have to fit that stupid "ideal guy" shit on cosmo but still be... everything that a girl wants... just as long as you don't sell out (and i know you won't)... and robbie, in your case, just as long as you stay the wonderful guy you are... cause you really are!
elaine
SORRY IT TOOK ME SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LONG TO REPLY!!!!! u know, it's hard to respond to an amazing letter which i do NOT EVER think i'd ever receive again u know!!! *hugs*
And so life is fucked up because of this i guess.... i am still hung up about ryota... not cause of anything but i just don't understand why he just stopped talking to me, you know. and i just don't understand why. and i just wish he would tell me why... that's really all.... that's all i want from him.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
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