into the void

So today we got off work early and there was no Shibu Shibu classes.

Yeahhhh so today I went to Church. Yeahhhhh.... I'm staying in Shin-Okubo, and this place is known as Tokyo's Korea Town...... So there are actually lots of Churches here... So I went to a Church...

It turned out to be a Lutheran Church.

I saw the flier outside the church when i first got here and saw they had English service on Sundays. I missed last week service coz I overslept but ahahaha I made it today! I ALMOST wanted to oversleep again BUTTTTT... I thought I'd be cool to go to Church here in Japan, since I've NOT been doing ANY tourist stuff in Tokyo AT ALL since I got here, I thought it'd be nice to go to Church for the experience of it! lols...


They had a combined service today, Candlelight Service, to begin the celebration of the 100th Anniversary of their Church which is in 2012 (3 years ahead! wow!)



I like methodical churches! There's always a order of worship! ahahahah...


Anyway, so the whole service was in Japanese but I got English version of the order of worship. Actually, they have a priest there who is American (his accent sounded American), but today was a combined worship in Japanese. They also had the hymns in English for the English speaking congregants (is this even a word??).... But of course everyone else was singing in Japanese... And the Confirmation of Faith and Lord's Prayer was also in Japanese, but of course, those non-Japanese speakers said it in English.... softly hehehe...



And some parts, we had to sing in Japanese... But the song sheet had ROMAJI there! So, just read the romaji yo.... I tried to understand what was being sung.... But to little avail... lols.




Anyway, the sermon was also in JAPANESE.... But they actually had an English translation of the whole thing!!!



Well, I couldn't understand fully and specifically what the pastor was saying... But I think I understood enough to follow his sermon while reading the part in English....

His sermon today was about "God with Us". Through our suffering and through our questions of WHY.

I was really touched by two parts of his sermon that I felt God was talking to me...

One part was when he talked about when Jesus died, Jesus said "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?".....
Many years before, when I was at the Easter service in KL Wesley, these words really struck me at that time because I had thought about how indescribable the pain was to Jesus at that time... NOT THE PHYSICAL PAIN AT ALL.... But to imagine Christ being seperated from GOD. It's like for those hours, GOD Himself was torn away from Himself... And just imagine Jesus, who has been in commune with God from eternity to eternity, for those hours, GOD HAD TURNED AWAY!!!! IMAGINE THAT PAIN!!!!!!! I think, it cannot be imagined.

But today, I got a new meaning from that... When I was pondering on those words, what the pastor had said was about how Jesus himself had to suffer like we did, that HE felt that God was not even there... JESUS you know!....

And I felt those words touch me cause, I guess... although I know it was me who ran away from God, but I felt as if my prayers had fallen to deaf ears... That God wasnt there listening anymore..... But Jesus too, felt the same thing, EVEN EVEN EVEN EVEN MORE... I mean for a sinner like me to feel God is not there... and for JESUS to feel God was not there!


And... The second part was "God with Us"...

And the pastor talked about a girl he had met and prayed for.... Who had been sick her whole life.... and seemingly cursed and wrecteched.... What words could he use to comfort her?? It's like EASY to tell people reasons.... But when you are really going through pain and doubt... all you can think about is "WHHY????????" the eternal why.....!!!!

And the pastor said, while he gave the holy communion to her, a thought came to him... and it was that, at this very moment, while partaking in Jesus's body and His blood, God accepted her as she was, with all her questions and whys and no answers, but God took her in as she is...

The same way... I really feel.... REALLY REALLY wrecthed about the whole Snake ordeal and I CANNNOT CANNOT understand what God has me to learn from this... Why God, why didn't You just let me leave back in April and I would have NEVER have met him and I would have NEVER had got into this BIG PILE of mess and screwed up an ENTIRE YEAR, WASTED.

But as I am, SINNER as I am, not just with questions, but with hurt and YES, with BLAME (wrongly).... And even although EVERYTHING was my fault for persisting in a completely wrong relationship, and in the end blaming God for it.... I guess.... God still accepts me with all these imperfection in me.

God with Us.

Indeed.


True God to True God.

You know whether it's in Japanese, Arabic, Thai, Korean or Spanish... God doesn't only speak in English, God doesn't only speak in one language.


I'm glad God let me worship Him, True God to True God, even here in Japan... And allowed me to take part in Holy Communion with Him here with our Family in Japan... Even with all my doubt, even with all my hurt, even with all my blame.

I wonder if I'll be okay.

I want to know that I'll be okay as long as God is with me.

I really hope that can be true.



Oh... by the way... in their Holy Communion, they used real wine!! And also... the priests said in Japanese, "あんたのために、クリストの体。” which literally means... "The body of Christ, for you," and also, "あなたのため、クリストの血。" which literally means... "The blood of Christ, for you,"

Waaa~ I understood.... lols.

Well, yesterday was Art-School's live at Saitama's Heaven's Rock. It's the last live I had planned to go and also the last time going to live of a band I like very much....

Also, I realized today that today's live was at the same livehouse as the first time I saw Tsubaki and Lunkhead live 2 years ago!!! What a great nostalgic and befitting end!!!!




So I was thinking I must go for as many lives as I can while i am here... BUT IT SUCKS COZ THIS IS THE WORST TIME TO BE HERE COZ ALL THE BANDS ARE NOT TOURING!!! In fact ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLl the bands practically START touring on the very day I am going to leave Japan!!! 10/10!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!

And not to mention, I AM GOING TO MISS LUNKHEAD LIVE ON 10/1o by just SIX HOURS!!! Because i LEFT Malaysia on September 10th, my ticket expires also on October 10th!! IT'S TOTALLY SHITE!!!!

AND, I'm quite upset that almost ALLL the bands I want to see arent touring at this time and they'll only be touring middle of this month!!!!


But anyways, at least I got to see a few shows this time.

I went for:

9/11 - Kyoto Mojo - Tsubaki One Man Live
9/23 - Shibuya Yaneura - アナ/Tsubaki
9/24 - Shimokitazawa Club Que - Lost in Time/ セカイイチ
9/26 - Shindaita Fever - アナ
9/28 - Shibuya Club Quattro - Tsubaki
9/29 - Saitama Heaven's Rock - Art-School

Those were the shows I had planned to go..... (except Ana and Sekaiichi..... I think those came up last minute also hahaha)...

Before I go back, I wanna go for:

10/3 - Zher the Zoo Yoyogi - Prof. Moriarty&Smiley-Todd (I just discovered this band when I was randomly checking out Kyoto indies band in a shop in Kyoto)
10/5 - Shibuya O-West - Under The Counter
10/6 - Shimokitazawa Club Que - Monokuro
10/9 - Shimokitazawa Club Que - D.W. ニコルズ (I REALLY REALLY wanna check them out!)

As you can see, they are totally RANDOM bands.... ahahahah... Some bands I had just casually checked out....

Actually on 10/2 there are 2 REALLY cool shows... For Hare-Brained-Unity.... and also Art-School again... But Aki-san has a party for me on 10/2, so I can't go :( But it's okay, coz I get to meet people at the party and have fun too :)

Shimokitazawa Club Que is having a special anniversary live events... So alot of cool bands are playing there everyday... But I'd really like to check out other Shimokitazawa live houses like Garage or Shelter...... But I don't know the bands that are playing there....
Also, Shibuya has alot of small livehouse too... But I don't know which ones they are and I don't know the bands that are playing at all..

There are sooooooo many other bands I wish to see but I miss them by just a week!!!! T_T

I TOOOOOOOTTAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLY want to see

PEOPLE IN THE BOX (I REALLY LIKE THEM YO!! And I just found out....... I missed their live in Osaka by ONE BLOODY DAY!!! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

And I also want to see:

hare-brained-unity
メレンゲ
髭(HiGE)
Base Ball Bear
Radwimps

AND A WHOLE LOT MORE!!!!

BUT WHATEVER IT IS... I MISS LUNKHEAD LIVE AND THAT'S THE WORST TRAGEDY!!!!!! I waited TWO YEARS only to miss it by SIX HOURS!!!!!!! T______T

Sigh, I really feel like crying ok!!! :'(


Anyway, I will blog more about the live I had gone to later....

But before that, jus something about yesterday's Art-School live................... Riki Kinoshita is DAMNNNNNNNNNN quiet person!!!! SERIOUSLY.... The band practically played 10 songs before he FINALLY said "Konbanwa, Art-School desu." and that was it!!! He was like "Ahh...Ahhh" and totally didn't know what to say!! He even said "What should I say?" (in Japanese, of course)... Dang!!! He's damn quiet!!! lols~ but he's also DAMNNNNN cool!



By the way, this is my friend Aki.... He writes for biking, outdoor and travel magazines and models for those clothing companies too...



I think he looks damn cool here... lols

アナ (Ana) is an amazing band live! I only got to know them 3 days ago when i went to see Tsubaki but they were amazing live!!

When I saw them on Wednesday, their live reminded me of the The Format's show in New York which I went with Michelle 5 years ago.... Except..... format was headlining that night! ahaha...

Anyways, I got Ana's CD and actually, their songs are actually quite electronic (of course) and mellow.... But during live, their songs just transforms and they inject a radiating energy into the songs in their live performance! Really different! Awesome!


Actually, when Ana first got on stage and put up such an entertaining set, they reminded me alot of Days Away and Ana has also been around for 11 years...

It's like, although not many people know them, I really admire them for persisting in their dreams for such a long time despite everything...

And how I admired Days Away because even though they were playing only a 5 song set to a bunch of people who didn't know them, they always cared about perfection of their sound and music...

Same goes with Ana, I really admire how they really put on an amazing show despite it being a short set and not many people know them... I also admire how they are so much at ease on stage and take it up like it was their world (it IS their world!)... and Okubo-san and Ouchi-san really engage the crowd amazingly well, even though the crowd barely knows them or when the crowd is quiet...


On Saturday's show, there were less people there and I think compared to Wednesday's crowd, they were less enthusiastic, perhaps.... Before Ana got on, I was wondering how they'd take up the show... If they were gonna be less engaging or less energetic than Wednesday's show...

But when they got on stage, they just did their thing and they just performed as they did on Wednesday...

A really good band live..! I wish I could go for their show again!!! It's incredibly enjoyable even though you don't know any of the songs! Seriously! hahahahah


Check them out!

HP: http://www.a-naweb.net
Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/mysspaceana


Ana Pictures that I took: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/album.php?aid=317762&id=903000264

They say that the waters of the Kumo River flows forever...





I've been thinking about life alot recently and I've been meaning to write very much about it but just never got around to it.

I have been thinking that... In my life, I want to be with a guy who can bring out the best in me and I in him.


I recongnize what Snake had changed in me...

Before I met him, I had always wanted to live my life my way, and I didn't give a damn about having anyone with me... But after I had met him, I just felt that... yes, I do want someone in my life, to share my life with... Because companionship cannot be replaced, and there is a certain comfort to having a companion with you all the time.... And human connection is something that cannot be replaced.

So, I think I DO want someone in my life later on.... But, when I think about it... That is the only thing I think I want to ask God in a guy.... that he can bring out the best in me, because I think that is the MOST IMPORTANT for me... I want that the most.

Because for the past 5 months, I think it had brought out nothing but the worst in me. He wouldn't have been such an asshole if I wasn't as much an ass for him to be an asshole with... get me? And the way we brought it crashing to an end, and the aftermath of the worthlessness I feel from it, is just such crap...

And it was through that, to see how much of MYSELF i had LOST in the past 5 months... In fact, I lost everything.... I'm not blaming him, but I blame myself for having made him my world and in doing so, I lost my own sense of self or worth or value along with it...

And it's through thinking about this that I really realize that.... I really want someone who can bring out the best in me... Whom I can be who I am with, who can take my worst and make it good, and take my best and make it shine... You get me?

That's what I really want.


That said, would I have wanted someone to come with me on this trip?

HELL NO.

I like being on my own on this trip... Yes, it was kinda pathetic, if you want to think that way.... I was on my own in Kyoto for two days without any friends around... I just went shopping around because I wanted to go shopping... But I really liked it that way cause I really enjoyed going around Shijo on my own...

My hotel was right in the center of Shijo and bascially once I got down, I was in the middle of the whole action... So it was really fun, it was really fun having Shijo as your backyard... Seriously!!!


And on the morning I had arrived at Kyoto at 5am, I hung around Kyoto station till about 10, and I went to the hotel at Shijo then... I couldn't check in till 3, so i just kept my bag there and went to Shijo to shop...

I sat at a cafe, then went to get some gifts, then I walked around more looking for stuff to buy... I was looking to buy a Kimono coz I wanted to wear one to Desmond's wedding..

Then I went to a second hand clothes shop and they had a Kimono section there with lots and lots of used kimonos... There was a sale section and it was quite cheap... Just 1500円 for a kimono... So I decided to buy one there... OF COURSE I didn't know ANYTHING about Kimono... So i went to the counter and there were two sales person there... So I went..

Summimasen, kimono o kaitai kedo, kimono no koto ga zenzen wakarimasen.. Chotto oshiete kudasai.... (i should have used a "masen" here... I think!) (Excuse me, I want to buy a kimono but I don't know anything about kimono, could you please teach me?)

But Woah! ANd the dude understood... So he followed me and showed me what I should do... He told me I had to pick out a Kimono, then the undergarment then the obi.... Then I asked him "nandemoii?"... And he said, it's better that the kimono and the Obi were the same material...

Then I said, Ok, I'll go look, then I'll ask again...

SO I did.. I went to pick out a DARK kimono... COz I thought it's ridiculous wearing a kimono to Dez's wedding anyway! So i didn't want to stand out by wearing a briiiiiiiiiiiight-colored one!!!!

So, I got the kimono, then I went back to the dude and asked him waht I should pick next.... Then he said I had to pick an undergarment... And he said the length of the sleeves had to be the same for both....

And so the both of us went searching for an undergarment that matched the Kimono and ALSO had the same length.... Which was like DAMN difficult. Ahahahahahaha..

So we went around measuring the undergarments until we finally found suitable one....

Then after that, we went to look for a suitable Obi too... And AGAIN we spent like LOTS AND ALOTS of time searching for an obi... I think he was in a hurry coz he kept looking at his watch but anyway, he kept helping me to get an obi...

We came down to two, and he asked me if I wanted to try it and see....

So we went to the changing room and he helped me put in the undergarment and kimono and all that and helped me to tie the whole thing up.... Then he helped me to tie the obi and all WHICH WAS NOT LONG ENOUGH T_T

Then i said "too fat, ne?" then he said "iie, iie..." and retied the obi so it'd fit... ahahahahaha...

Anyway, in the end I asked him which obi he thought was nicer coz I didn;t know anything about obi anyway, and he picked one out politely..

So I bought the kimono.


Anyway, after that... I came up with an idea to ask if he wanted to go out for a drink or something if he was free.... (OK, I KINDA FORGOT THIS AIN'T AMERICA!!!!!!!! AND SHIT LIKE THESE WILL NEVER WORK!!!! IT'S JAPAN FORGOODNESS SAKE!)... I mean, it's not like it's anything just a drink or anything...

But u can imagine that with MY japanese...

Damn I probably gave out a TOTALLY damn wrong impression.

Ahahaha..

SO it went..

"Summimasen" (excuse me)
He saw me and I was considering if I should buy the strings I needed to tie the kimono and all that... So he asked if I wanted to buy the strings... Then I said maybe... then I said...
"Summimasen kedo, kyou wa hima desu ka?" (Are you free today?)
ANd he went reluctantly... "kyou wa...." (Today...)
Then I said, "Shigoto no ato de jikan ga arimasu ka? Moshi hima nara, chotto isshoni gohan wo tabemasen ka?" (After work, do you have time? If you do, would you like to go for a meal together?) (wah! It was ISSHOU NI GOHAN WO TABEMASEN KA? which is like would you like to eat meal together... Ahahahahaha)
And he said something something in Japanese I couldn't totally understand but I started with "Gomen"... So it was MOST PROBABLY A NO GO!!! ahahahahah...
Then I said
"Ashita wa dou?"
then he said, "Ashita wa yasumi kara, koko de inai". (oooo, he used informal form! buy I'm a client!)
Then I said which sounded EVEN MOREEEEEEEEEEE wrong was...
"Watashi wa chikaku no hotel ni tomarimasu kara... itsu demo ii... Tada, ima koko ni hitori de, chotta hanashitai dake" (I live in a hotel near here... *WTF?!*, so anytime is okay *wtf?!?!?!*..... Just that I am here alone, I just want to talk...*wtttfff?*)
Wth.............
Anyway.... It was just like totally wrong dude!! It was as if I wanted to sleep with him or something ahahahahahaha...
Anyway I even asked if he lived in Kyoto... and even like OFFERED to meet in Kyoto Station but it was "DAME!" NOOOOOOO GOOO!!!! ahahahahahhaha.


BUT ANYWAYS, it was a no go but... Well, at least I tried...

And HEY! At least I had ENOUGH broken Japanese to ask someone out!!!

(albiet unsuccessfully! But he got my drift! ahahahahaha)

ahahahahahahhaah..

Anyway, his name was Kogawa Juiichi.

He was kinda cute =)

And his hands and fingers looked really nice too =) (eh, u know how i have a thing for guys' hands ahahahahahah)


But I guess... Well, I'm glad I'm able to want to meet other guys, u know?

And albiet unsuccessful, maybe there's a silver lining...



You know, before I came to Japan, I thought to myself, I won't return here anymore for awhile.... I told myself there were other places to see, different things to experience and I've already been to Japan 3 times.... Next, I would want to go to another part of the world.... I thought about that... And I thinking that, it also meant that I was giving up my dream to teach in Japan....

Because the whole thing about Snake and how lucky Lina is to be chosen and to be so important and lucky to be with him had really really crushed me.... That I felt even if I achived all my dreams... what is it worth in the end? Is my life even worth anything? Does my life even have meaning? Not to say being with Snake gives it meaning.. NO WTF NO.... But rather that, it just made me question the value of the dream I had till now, to work and live in Japan... Is it really that important? Will humanity be helped by this dream? Will my life have meaning and value in the end even if I reached this dream?

It had really made me reevaluate my goals...


But you know what.... I think it was just being around Kyoto again and travelling around so much around Japan....

And even if I am NOT incredibly thrilled the whole time, there are droplets and just brushing moments where I take a breath and just suddenly feel a joy in my heart, a peace perhaps, and a smile.... to be so grateful and happy that I can be here, that i AM here... in Japan...

And in those moments accumulated and in all the things I saw around me.... I guess, I fell in love with Japan again....

I had really lost my interest and my dream in Japan in that 5 months with Snake.... Even when I was coming here, and while I was with him... .I really felt "I would be happier if I could be with him and just having fun with him"...

But, you know what?, right now, even right now after I've just cried about him..... I said FUCK THAT.

I rather be here in Japan. Without him.


And I really really want to be here again. I want to live here and I want to work here and be around and IN this culture and IN this country for at least a few years....

I found my dream again.

I still want it.



But sometimes, when I think about it.... the feeling that remains in my heart is not of love.... but there is still just a deep hurt.... So deep that I still cry sometimes and I just did, talking to Mayuko just now.... I'm still very hurt and I'm still very worried that when I get back to Malaysia, I'm going to just go back to square one... I'm just gonna end up weak again...

I don't want to need him anymore, I just don't want to give a fuck about him anymore-- and in my heart right now, I don't. I don't give a shit..... But, I'm still so hurt.... He STILL makes me cry and that CANNOT be good.... And that's what I want to heal from, that's what I want to end.

I want to be free of EVERYTHING of him.

I want to be able to look at him and feel ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

I don't know if I can even right now.

I'm just so scared when I get home, EVERYTHING is gonan be the same again... My stupid heart will be the shit that it was AGAIN.

I'm worried.



I guess it's like that Sekaiichi song.... "Mitsukeru tabi wa tsuduku hazu..."

I guess this journey of looking continues...


God, I just want to be happy, God.... That's all I ever wanted to be.



The guy was really quite cute, seriously =)

And I'm happy I had enough bad japanese to ask him out, at least! ahahaha =D

On the second night in Tokyo, Akisan was kind enough to meet me for dinner.... His friends were having a party at home and they invited me to join them...

So I met Akisan's four best friends since elementary school... I kind forgot two of their names!! So sorry!!! Juichi... Yasutarou... Yohei and one other guy..... Yasutaro and the other guy was INCREDIBLY funny!!!!!!!!!! Juichi was really quiet... And so was Yohei although he was the butt of most of Yasutaro-san's jokes!! ahahahahaha...

Anyway, it was really wonderful to be able to share the night with them...

Three of them had taken a trip to an island near Tokyo and caught some fish... So they decided to have a party and have sashimi and cook the fish...

So we just sat around the table eating rounds and rounds of food... All of the guys chipped in and took turns to cook something... It was really cool...

Of course, communication was like REALLY difficult though!! Coz Akisan was the only person who could speak any English and I could BARELY BARELY speak Japanese!! At one point, Akisan even told Yoheisan to just speak in BASIC japanese coz it he was struggling SOOOOOOOOOOOO much to speak English and it was just TOTALLY wrong and TOTALLY hard to understand ahahahahaha...

And Yasutarosan and Akisan was joking how Yoheisan was "baka!" totally baka!! ahahahaha.... (baka means "stupid")... They kept sending Yoheisan out to buy stuff they forgotten!! Poor guy! Coz he's the youngest of the 4, he kept getting bullied!!!

Then Yasutarosan said that Yoheisan was "BAKA!! VERY BAKA.... but.... STRONG!!!" ahahahaha... Actually Yoheisan is VERY muscular and he was in the Japanese army for awhile (Does Japan have an army?? I thought they're not allowed to have one!!!)...

Anyway... Akisan asked me what is Stupid in Malay and I told him "bodoh"...

When Yoheisan came back, the evil mastermind Yasutarosan went and pulled Yoheisan aside...

Then when they came back, Yasutarosan said that Yoheisan had a performance...

Then suddenly Yoheisan came out and did a dance!! singing "bodoh, bodoh, bodoh" ahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahaha~ Damn funny yo!! Then they ask him to take off his shirt and show his muscles and he really did that al the while singing BODOH!! ahahahahaha... POOR GUY DUDE!!! ahahahaha...

Anyway... After that, Yoheisan was saying he is single and lonely ahahahahah... And he doesn't dare to talk to girls except his sister ahahahaha... And he said, his face is not nice, his nose is too big, his forehead is too wide, his hair is like fire.... But everything below the neck is GREAT...

Ahahahaha... Then I told him in the BEST JAPANESE I COULD HANDLE.... and I told him that, sometimes, it doesn't matter how you look... For some girls, if a you have a good heart and you're a nice person, the girl will like you...

Then I ask Yasutaro-san, "Yoheisan wa yasashii hito desu ka?"... (Is Yoheisan a nice person)...

And Yasutaro-san went... "Errrrrrr... NO!" ahahahahhahhhaha...


Anyway, I really had a nice night with them, and I felt really happy they treated me so warmly....

Even though we really couldn't communicate well, since I can't speak Japanese well at all, and they can't speak English at all, but they were really really friendly and really treated me well...

Thank you, Akisan for a wonderful night :)

And thank you always for all your help :)

So, I still can't get the temperature of the bath right... It's ALWAYS too hot.




Well the past week has been interesting....

After the Tsubaki live on the day I arrived, I stayed in Kyoto for a night and left for Tokyo again on the morning of the 12th... It was pretty crazy to sit in a bus for 7 hours to Tokyo, but it was nice, considering that I got to see the view of the country :)

Akisan was kind enough to meet me at Shinjuku bus terminal so he can occompany me to Luis' hotel at the Hyatt Regency..... We kinda got lost on our way there ahahahaha...

Anyway...

It was great meeting up with Luis again!!! I also met his friends Robert and Audrey, Mikey, Brandon and Liz....

Hanging out with them was very different, it was like.... being in America!! Actually, Japan looked very different from an American perspective... I don't know how to explain it, but Japan just didn't feel like Japan... It felt very different and very Asian and very foreign, being around Luis and his friends and going around Tokyo with them...

Anyway, we went Karaoke at night! And Luis and I sang Blink's What's My Age Again? and New Found Glory's Hit or Miss... WOAH! Talk about NOSTALGIC!!!!


Anyway, we moved hotels the next day to....... somewhere in Miyako... Ahahaha I forgot!!!

Luis LEFT his bag on the train on the way to the hotel so I accompanied him to the station where he lost his stuff...... And WOAH! We got his stuff back!

And actually, knowing SOME BASIC BASIC BASIC Japanese on this trip has really really really been beneficial... I found it soooooooooo much easier to just go around and to buy things and all that.... Also, it really helped ALOT when Luis lost his stuff or when I got lost like I couldn't find the bus at Disneyland to Kyoto!!!!!

But seriously, I thought it was awesome I was able to communicate at least A LITTLE in Japanese this trip!!! WELL.... broken Japanese la.. But still, at least, I could just go "SUMMIMASEN, blah blah blah doko desu ka???"......

But after you open your mouth in English, suddenly the Japanese pours out in reply!!! And i usually can only understand 30 - 40% of their replies!! ahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Anyway, that afternoon, Luis' friend went to Disneyland while Luis and I went to POKEMON CENTER!!!!!!! We took a train to Hamamatsu Cho and visited the Pokemon Center.... Wth... ahahahaa


Then the next day on Monday, Luis, Robert and Audrey and I went to Disney Sea!!!

Ok, what the hell... Disney AGAIN... Wasn't Anaheim enough???

Anyway, we had great fun there and Luis lost his iPhone AGAIN!!! (he found it back tho!!!)... I still don't get why it's called Disney Sea though, I really thought it was going to be like San Diego Sea World or something, but it wasn't... It's exactly like a disney themepark, except... it has a river..... that's it...

Anyway... It was great to see Luis again... I've really missed him and it was really surreal we met in Japan and I really thank God for the chance to meet him here again, even though it was only for a two days... But, I'm really really happy we got to meet and hang out again! I've forgotten how fun it is to hang out with him!!!


Anyway, I had to leave Luis to get to Kyoto that night... and the staff at Disney was INCREDIBLY helpful... Somehow, the platform I was suppose to take the night bus to Kyoto from did NOT exist... They tried calling up various bus offices and even sent a staff to physically find the platform...

In the end after calling Cindy, I found the map and got to know the platform... They actually had a staff escort me to the platform so I wouldn't get lost!!!

Disney JAPAN rocks! lols...

Anyway, so I got to experience one of those long distance night buses, and left Tokyo for Kyoto once again...

While we were leaving Tokyo I couldn't help but feel "wow, such ease just going back to Kyoto like this..." As if I was such a seasoned traveller.... NOT!!!!! ahahaha...

So, at 2am I finally got to sleep, with the sounds of Tsuki to Tenohira playing softly....


We reached Kyoto at 5:20 AM.


Pictures: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=313685&id=903000264

Onigiri. Why does the nori of my onigiri STILL get torn even if there are CLEARRRRRRR GRAPHICAL instructions on how to tear the plastic out correctly!


So I promised myself I won't cry in Japan. I promised myself, that I MUSTN'T.

But I remember, there had been only twice before that had I cried when a plane took off... One was when I left Malaysia for America... and the next was when I left America for Malaysia.... And the third was today.

I guess, it hurts being in Malaysia itself... There's just too many reminders about everything about him...

I know I will still think about him... But, I mustn't cry. Not in Japan.

Anyhow... I think today was the first day I hadn't thought about him a whole lot, actually, coz maybe I was thinking about Tsubaki more!!!


I was crying when I slept.... When I woke up, I saw this...



It was a really nice sunrise on the horizon..

and the clouds looked really pretty below..




Well anyway, the flight seemed short... and we touched down at Narita... I think I spent a total of 10 minutes in Tokyo... From the Narita Express, into the corridors of Tokyo Station and 5 minutes later, on the Shinkansen bound for Kyoto.


Anyway, I met up with Cindy in Kyoto and we had lunch together... After that, she took me to the hotel and the livehouse... The livehouse was nearer to the station than the hotel but she suggested we go to the hotel first before we picked the tickets up from the livehouse...


Hotel, 50 bucks! Nice and reasonable too!


After putting stuff in the hotel, we went to the livehouse...

There was NO ONE there.... But all of TSUBAKI's equipment were all in the corridor... I was hoping we could meet the band, and then, two people walked in and I recognized one of them to be OKAMOTO-SAN!!!

Cindy approached Okamoto-san and asked her about the reservation for the tickets... She told us to wait and went to get her phone... Then I told Cindy she was the drummer... Then I asked her, "Okamoto-san desu ka?" and she said, "Hai."

Then she went up to call someone...

We were on our way out, coz some guy told us that we werent' suppose to be there... As we were going back up, Okamotosan came back down with ISSHIKISAN!!!!! mauahahahahahahaha...

SOMEHOW, it's DAMNNNNNNNN weird, but Isshiki-san was handling all the online booking through the Tsubaki website!

Cindy talked some stuff to them about the booking which I totally didn't understand... Anyway Isshiki-san just told us, it's okay, I can just give my name at the ticket counter, then I can get the ticket later... since it's not sold out...

When they were mentioning my name, Isshiki mentioned about the letters I wrote to them.. Then Cindy asked me if I had written them any letters and I said I did... SOOOOOO... Isshiki-san got the letters and remembered it!!!

Anyway, I managed SOME Japanese and told them I will be going for their live on 23rd and 29th too.. Then Isshikisan said that he remembers my name for the 23rd.. Then he checked his phone and asked for my last name... So Cindy told him "Loh" and he said "Oh yes,"

Anyhoo, I guess u gotta as CINDY for what Isshiki-san and Okamoto-san really said... hahahahha..

Oh yeah I also said "Soshite, Isshikisan, Omedetou Gozaimasu."... He looked at Okamotosan and laughed, then he bowed and said thank you.

Anyways, that led us to ask them for a picture =D.... And Isshikisan said it was alright... And it would be better to take it now, coz after the live, there are too many people anyway.....

So we took a picture!!!



Ato de, I asked for autograph! AT LEAST I could say "sign ga ii desu ka?" ahahahhahahaha~

Anyway, they were both cool about it =D

ANyways, that was it!

That was Tsubaki!!!

Isshikisan is a little different from how I had imagined him to but... He's a lot smaller, for one thing ahahhahaha... But still cute, ne!


Anyway, Cindy left after that... and I went to take a walk around, since it was early...






Anyway.... After that, I went back to the hotel and went online...... TYpical me ahahahah... ACTUALLY, my leg hurts ALOT...... (excuses). SERIOUSLY! I travelled alot ok!!!


ANyway, I thought it was a really good way to start out everything... Meeting Isshiki-san and Okamoto-san...

While I was walking around.. I was thinking.... Actually, I didn't feel as HIGH or EXCITED as I had been when I met Odaka-san two years ago... I remember my heart was racing like MAD and I could not smiling the whole damn night.... But meeting Isshiki-san was almost like normal...


But that said, I realize I also thought about *him* (THE GUY) less... I also felt as if, the feeling of hurt and pain just seem a little further away...

Maybe it's just like a temporary drug (Isshiki-san and Tsubaki hahahaha) induced conscious coma... But I damn hope it lasts.

But I remember, the day after I left *him*... I remember that i told myself "it's okay, Elaine," and I thought to myself, "If i got to meet Isshiki-san, I think I will be okay," and that's why I had really wanted to meet him and I was really praying to God to let me meet him..

And really, I feel that with the great timing and AGAIN, the unexpected chance of SUDDENLY just being able to meet Isshikisan and Okamotosan without even thinking we could... We did... And Thank You God.. for having granted me this one silly prayer...



Anyway... I went to the live but was too early for it, so I decided I would walk to Kamo River.... On the Subway map it didn't look that far and I really felt like seeing the river... So i walked it......

IT WAS FAR.

But well... at least I saw it :)







Well the whole walk from the livehouse to Kamo River and back actually took A WHOLE HOUR...

When i got back to the livehouse, I could get in to buy the ticket... Ogawasan was there!!!!!! But I didn't talk to him!!!!!!! :(

I had really wanted to! But i was buying the ticket, and when I was done, he had finished packing the goods table :(

Sorry, Ogawasan, I really wanted to say hello~~~!

He was as cool as ever. hahhhaha!


Anyway..... when I was waiting for the live to start... I really felt too old perhaps.... I'm already 27, u know? I'm not 19 or 20 anymore like I was when I went for all the shows in America... I'm NOT a youth anymore.... Maybe i AM too old for this shit!!!

But really but inside me, jsut waiting there and when i was walking around thinking about the live, it just gets my heart beating in anticipation for the show!

It's just awesome, you know, BEING THERE IN THE PIT!!!!!!

That said, there are actually ALOT more older people in Japanese shows... THere were a few women who were at least 40 there, u know...

SO MAYBE I AM NOT TOO OLD AFTER ALL!!!


Anyway............

The band came on and BAM! the first song started, I almost just cried when I heard "Dekiru nara waratte...."...

It was Kinou no Kaze...............

While the didn't play Katamichi Kippu....... Starting with that song just made everything so complete....

Last year, around this time actually, when I was feeling absolute shit about SriKDU.... I was listening to this song EVERYDAY....

And everytime Isshikisan sang, "Ame no mukou ni nani ka aru?".....

At that time I always felt there TOO was something waiting for me after this rain.... After all these shit, there HAS TO BE something for me beyond that... I really believed that at that time...

And I guess, it's a feeling I want to have back now...

To believe, that after this rain, there is something waiting for me too...





ANYWAY... nothing beats the ringing in your ears, the air thick with the mass of bodies moshed together, the sensation of wind blowing in after the show.... DAMN, I really miss this feeling you know? Whether I am getting old or not, I relaly don't want to think about it... If i can keep myself thinking mentally I am perpetually 20, I WOULD.....

I will never stop going for show, I NEVER want to feel i am too old for this shit, you know... It's just.... too alive, for me to feel I'm too old for this anymore...... I don't want to feel that at all!


So after the live... there was a crowd getting out and lining up to buy Tsubaki goods...

Then as we were waiting, Isshikisan came out to meet the fans and to SELL stuff.... He's so wonderful to do that, you know... Considering he'd have to meet like 400 over people and shake the hands of over 400 people... But he did that.

And so when it came to my turn he was like "oh! Hello,"... I DIDN'T say anything to him at all except "this" and "this"... and he was so nice to take he things.. Then he said the total was "blah blah blah" and OF COZ, it was too fast and I was SUPER nervous, so i didn't get AT ALL what he said... ahahhaha.. So I just gave him all my money and he counted for me the amount and I said "sorry,"

Then he gave me the change and said "mata aimashou"... then he said "ah, 23nichi deshou?" then I said, "Hai," he was smiling and shaking my hands and THEN I TOOK MY HAND AWAY!!! he was a little shocked!! ahahahahahah.. DUDE, i wanted to shake his hands forever (very soft, his hands ahahahaha), but i don't know why i took my hand away when he was STILL GRABBING IT!!

DAMN STUPID ELAINE. U THInK EVERYDAY U GET TO TOUCH ISSHIKISAN???????????????????????????



Anyway....

My dad sent me on this trip, because he wants me to return home normal...

In the depths of my heart...

I really wish I will...

I really, really hope I'll have many more days like these....


Yes, it wasn't as exciting anymore when I met Isshiki-san... It was as if, I just can't feel truly truly excited or happy about anything.

Yes, I felt too old to be doing this shit standing there in the mosh pit with all these kids, yes, I feel that very much...

And yes, I don't know if all these temporary fleeting moments would even make a change or have any meaning at all when the day after tomorrow comes.

And yes, I don't know if this will even save me in the end, when i DO go back to Malaysia, will ALL the flood of pain return like before...


I Really don't know...

But what I do know is that...

I thought about *him* less today.

And right now, I sure as hell don't feel as bad as I did yesterday...


So thank You God, thank you dad, and yes, thank you Isshiki-san...


Soshite, Otanjoubi Omedetou Gozaimasu...

There is something to music, to bands, and to live/gigs/concerts/shows that unites. Whatever you call them, gigs in England, concerts in Malaysia, shows in America, Live in Japan, whatever name or label that is given to this participation in the cesspool of flesh and sweat bound together by the chords of the band playing on stage-- whatever its name-- the sensation, the feelings, the pull towards this-- is all and the same.

I don't know how to explain it to friends. Why, why, why I just can't just stop going for shows. Why just listening to songs on the radio ain't enough. Why, why, why, lately, I just keep having to go to Japan to see these bands.

How do you explain that when I listen to a song, I just don't hear the sound engineered mesh of chords and melodies. That when I listen to a song and it moves me, that all I can feel and imagine is how it would feel like, this imploding feeling in my heart being multiplied a hundred folds, pressed together with 1000 other people, the music bursting in my ears and the band, real, in front of me.
How do you explain the feeling of being there in a mosh pit, with the music, with the people and with the band-- all meshed together bound and crushed together in one breath with one beat. How do you explain a feeling like that? How do you explain why, why, why, that one imagination, that one feeling, pulls me so intensely?

I can't explain it, except to say that....... I loved it, I loved it all. And it was in that breathlessness, with your heart bursting forth from within, feeling like you're dying, suffocating, afraid that you're gonna die, actually, fearing of being crushed, kicked or trampled to death, but still, feel so alive.


I'm glad that in my lifetime I've had the privilege to meet soulmates who feel this same draw and force and hear the same call of the mosh pit in our hearts. Who Understands. Who Knows.-- whether it is Robbie whom I met online at Punkrockvids on MIRC, or Luis, Michelle, Wendy, Melissa, Johanna in America, Fuji in Japan, or Ame in Hong Kong--- I want to believe that we're all soulmates...

That no matter where we are from, no matter which country, which language, which experience we were from, we stand together as one, under the banner of this music, of this band.


It was an immense feeling when I stood there in Lunkhead's moshpit, on that cloudy June summer day, on the rooftop of Tower Records Shinjuku, for their 5th Album release special live. There's something incredible to Japanese lives, simply because one has to witness it for oneself, the sight of a thousand hands all raised together, cheering on the same beat, as one whole unified wave of hands with the beats of a song. There is something fundamentally human to all that.

Standing there alone, feeling so foreign in this crowd, totally not understanding a single thing that was being said both on stage and around me or what is even being sung. But when we stood there together, looking at this band, and when we sang and danced and cheered together as one for this band, with this band, with them, with us-- I felt united-- united with all these strangers-- like with the intensity of our hearts we were bound together to each other and with this band through their music; we, foreigners, natives, fans, band alike, all became one big family.

And I still feel the same way when I meet fans of Lunkhead online, that we may come from Malaysia, America, Hong Kong or Japan, and sometimes, we couldn't even communicate properly--- but, with this one band, with the love for this same music, we smile, we smile because we understood this feelings that we shared in our hearts.


I think this video here is a good... summary... of that unity, of that singleness, when you're in a pit as fans united under the banner of one band together in one song. It's taken from Tsubaki's latest live video, and it's all of these crowd just clapping in TOTAL UNISON with the band, like was all just one clap... It's not a simple clap, you know, there's a beat to it, yet yet.... Just imagine how many times the fans have heard that one song to be able to clap like that! hahahaha...




I think that is the beauty of mosh pits. Not just the utter draw to the intensity of the feeling of being drowned with a sea of people and with the breathlessness of screaming to this music. That in this, in this empowering enveloping mesh of racing heartbeats, gasps of air, screaming at the top of your lungs, throwing yourself into the intensity of the moment there with these people and with the band your love with the songs that sang your heart-- there, there, is where we live. Is where we really feel alive.


And I am glad, I'm glad I've found such friends who share; actually, who understands, this feeling that I feel, that I miss so very much, in my heart.


I wish, I wish my friends here could understand these feelings. I wish they knew what the mosh pit meant to me. How if the feelings of a Taking Back Sunday mosh pit could be rolled into a pill, I would take some everyday!

I wish I could live my life in that pit. I wish that the vocation of my life could put in pits every day of every week, or at least, somewhere close to the calling lights of that crowd... That at this moment, listening to Tsubaki's Aimai na Yoru on my radio, I could just close my eyes, and imagine, how wonderful, how wonderful, what breath it would be to take, standing there with all these crazy Tsubaki fans in the pit, seeing, hearing Isshiki Noriyasu sing... And we look up and we smile, and we voice our hearts together with him with his words, and we reach out, and we cheer together, and we sing, and we smile.... I wish I could see him sing everyday... I wish I could see him sing right now.


I remember during that Lunkhead live on the rooftop that summer day, and the infamous Japan June rain threatening to reign down upon us with fury, the sky was overcast, cloudy and gray... getting darker and darker as we sang and united louder and louder... Yet, that reliable June rain never came. And I remember, when the show was over, Ishikawa Ryou, the drummer of Lunkhead, stood a final moment on stage and uttered these words that my Japanese 101 comprehension even understood, "Your power and our power combined has held the rain up."

And yes, it certainly felt that way that day. And yes, I believe that too... that in that moment when we are all locked up in an arena, club or live house together, as our collective breath gathered and accumulated, there was that power: your power, my power, our power combined.

And it is this that sits in our hearts, that pulls us, that calls us-- as we long and wait for the moment to be there in the next pit.

Well.... ok... the song didn't exactly say that, but didn't it imply that watching TV burns your bright future?!?!?!

nevertheless....

I really want to check out these jdrama series.... I really kawtow to those people whose blogs I've visited. How on earth did they manage to watch so many series =______=

Hanazakari no Kimitachi e (Hani Kimi)
(Ashiya Mizuki, a Japanese girl in the U.S. who one day sees the young athlete Sano Izumi (Oguri) compete in the high jump on television. She begins to idolize him, and decides to move to Japan to attend the same school as him. However, Izumi goes to an all-boys school, so Mizuki disguises herself as a boy to achieve her dream of being with her idol.)

Hmmm... I came across the manga version of this series many years ago... but I wasn't attracted to read the manga... I don't really like shoujo mangas that much... But somehow, this is one of the series that sounds like it's a good watch as a live action... So i really want to buy this series from somewhere.... I hate torrenting (IT'S SLOW!!!)


Tokyo Friends (the series and the movie)
(Otsuka Ai plays the character of a small town girl who goes to Tokyo chasing after her dream... On arrival, she finds a job as a waitress in a restaurant and meets guitarist Ryuuji Shintani. Ryuuji likes her voice and invites her to join his band as the vocalist, The Survival Company.
ANDDDD the character comes from SHIKOKU!! muahahahah Yoshitaroooo~~~~~)

I saw the preview of this series on Astro, actually... And I really liked the songs on it... So i downloaded the OST... But I've been unable to download the series... The movie is for sale but for some reason, the series is not.. It's only 5 episodes too!


Eli, Eli, Lema Sabachthani (movie)
(A rich millionaire hires a detective to find a cure for the “Lemming Syndrome,” as his only grandchild is stricken with the disease. The detective learns that the live music played by the band Stepin Fetchit may have the innate ability to cure people stricken with the disease. Now the grandfather, detective and the granddaughter travel to find the musicians and cure the granddaughter of Lemming Syndrome.)

Hmm... I came across this movie just today while i was randomly browsing through ebay... I thought it was really interesting and if I can find a way to watch this relatively cheaply, I'd love to check it out.


Orange Days (Series)
(One day, Kai Yuuki meets a girl who is playing violin in campus. She is Sae Hagio. In marked contrast to her beautiful tone and attractive looks, her personality is somewhat impertinent. And to top it off, she communicates through very vulgar sign language. Four years ago, she lost the most important thing for a violinist - her hearing.)

I saw the DVD for sale the other day at Speedy video... for SIXTY BUCKS... so i decided to download it... It's almost done... then my comp got hit by a virus, so i have suspended all downloading activity... But would like to check it out ^__^



Besides those, Aida has asked me to check out Hana Yori Dango (Meteor Garden). Hmmm... Like Hana Kimi, I've known about the series for awhile but I've never checked it out... Maybe it's too shoujo??? hahahahahahaha.... Anyway... it's TWO seasons.. so let's see how it goes.

I WOULD like to check out Hana Yori and Hana Kimi... For some reason, there are some shoujo series that I think would be nice to be watch as a live action and not the manga version or anime... I guess... that's because shoujo series can get too sickeningly sweet sometimes!! hahahaha... and the drawing and expressions on Anime and Manga can really overload it! hahahaha... I dunno!! I suppose!! hahaha....

Anyway.... I'm VERY picky with entertainment (except music I guess)... Its always the same type of books, the same genre of music, the same themed animes, etc etc... I don't like anything that's too dramatic and sad (which leaves out 99.9999999% of all j/k/t dramas hahaha)... Actually I prefer watching comedies or mystery series for japanese movies and dramas (I like those food type of shows the best!!! It's always wacky and interesting!!), I like action/adventure with a little mix of romance for animes, I like BRAINLESS ACTION FLICKS! for Hollywood movies, and as for books... it really depends on my mood hahaha... but nothing drama!!! LOOONGGGGG and BOOORING...


I am currently watching:

Yu Yu Hakusho (anime)
YEAH.... FINALLY..... wanted to watch this like YEARSSS ago... to hell with downloading.. the entire 112 episodes was onsale for only 50 bucks the other day. It's okay... abit too much repetitive fighting.......... like pokemon style of fighting hahahahahahaha

Busou Renkin (anime)
Was also on sale!! only 17 bucks!!! Anyway, i did not know (or kinda forgot) that the manga of this series is by Nobuhiro Watsuki!!!! The creator of Rurouni Kenshin!! But anyway, this story is very different from Kenshin.... Still good though!

Food Detective 2 (series)
Yeappppp I told you I like food japanese drama... So have been watching this one... Just still till ep3, though... Kinda long, 1 hour each episode!! hahaha


Currently Reading:

Inuyasha
PLEASE ENDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!! Looks like the end is NEAR!! REALLY NEAR!!! But dude... it's Inuyasha and Takahashi Rumiko!! So we better keep our fingers crossed yo!!

Gakuen Alice
DUDE, this series KICKS ASS! PERIOD. DUDE. KICKS ASS!! It might LOOK elementary school but dude!! The story is AWESOME!!


And NO, my Japanese is NOT improving one bit!!! =_______=
But well, at least I can understand more of Yu Yu Hakusho in Japanese when then subbing is COMPLETELY wrong and doesn't make sense...


There goes my "bright" future, Isshiki-san.... *sigh*

hmmm... it's not quite possible but..... here are the list of Lunkhead songs I enjoy listening to the most! ^_^ (valid till today, that is, haha)

ULTIMATE BESTS:
1) Tsuki to Tenohira 月と手のひら
2) Komorebi 木漏れ陽
3) Haisora 灰空
4) Indigo インディゴ
5) Purukerima プルケリマ
6) Zenshin Boku Senjou he 前進 / 僕 / 戦場へ
7) Hakudaku 白濁
8) Yuugure no 夕暮れの
9) Boku to Ki 僕と樹

10) Taion .体温
11) Sangatsu 三月
12) Hitorigoto ひとりごと
13) Natsu no Nioi 夏の匂い
14) Hutari ふたり
15) Sakura Biyori 桜日和
16) Canaria Vox カナリア ボックス
17) Sakura Ko　桜子
18) Hikari no Machi 光の街
19) Niji .虹
20) Tokyo nite 東京にて
21) Bokura ha ikiru 僕らは生きる
22) Kiseki 奇跡
23) HEARTBEATER

24) Reiji 零時
25) Fuyu no Asa 冬の朝
26) Huan to Yume 不安と夢
27) Garasu Tama ガラス玉
28) Nemurenai Yoru no koto 眠れない夜のこと
29) Giggle ギグル
30) Kirariiro きらりいろ
31) Shiroi Koe　白い声
32) Prism　プリズム
33) Suwarouteiru スワロウテイル
34) Gekkou Shounen 月光少年
35) Goodbye グッド・バイ
36) Clover クローバー
37) Bokura no Sennaka to Taiyou to 僕らの背中と太陽と
38) Highlight　ハイライト
39)Saigo no Tane 最後の種
40) Bokura no Uta 僕らのうた

41) Kareri To　帰り途　
42) Kimi to Cosmos 君とコスモス
43) Himeyuri no Hana 姫百合の花
44) ENTRANCE

*list does not include any post-Entrance songs and some of the singles that I have not listened to.

For those I did not list... means I am impartial to them.... like casual songs, some are nice, but i don't specifically seek them out...

Hmm... seems like it's easier to list the Lunkhead songs I enjoy less.... hmmm... But kinda terrible that out of the 80++ songs they have I only really really like half of them.... hmmmm....

Here is a list of some of the songs I loved around the same time last year that I listed in my letter to Yoshitaro:

so... been checking out some J bands these days... But, i don't quite like to listen to a band's entire discography in one listen... coz i mean, music evolves... it's not realistic to appreciate a band's ENTIRE musical history in like TWO HOURS =_= So, I've been slow to check out the songs I've downloaded....

Anyway, so far, i think the two bands whose songs I'm most favourable to is Art-School and syrup16g... They're actually pretty awesome. Awesome enough to make me wonder if i wasn't so in love with Lunkhead, I'd probably love these bands even more.

I might put up a compilation after i listen to a little more.

Other than that, some of the bands actually have like those pop punk, indie rock and emo sounds that I would have probably really liked 5 - 6 years ago.... I'm not quite looking for that now these days.... But it also makes me wonder, what am I really looking for then?

I mentioned syrup16g and Art-School because they have the sounds and melodies I usually fall in love with, but I wonder what type of music is that? Rock? Pop? Indie Rock? Hm.

YAY!!!!

SO!

I wanted to listen to Boku to Ki live version yesterday. Been loving that song alot lately! I didn't realize it was one of those powerful Lunkhead songs, like Yuugure no... I really like it!

They played the song on the second day of the live i went for back in December... Actually it was the absolute LAST song I heard Lunkhead play live =(.... But i was surprised they played such an old song and slow song as the finale of their entire tour... But they played it and it was amazing!!!

So, I remember that in the second live limited edition DVD, they had the song in it... (BIGGGGGGGG HUGEEEEEEEE thanks to Tsuyoshi and friend for buying it for me!!!).... SOOOOOOO i had my bro help me rip out the audio and video for me!!!! THANK YOU BRO!!! mannn he's been in a good mood thankfully hahahahhaha....

WAAAAA~~~~~ I got the DVD when i met Tsuyoshi in Japan back in December but I have NEVER watched the DVD!!! BECAUSE I DON'T THINK MY HEART CAN TAKE IT!!!! But i had to watch it yesterday to get the timecode to rip the dvd and.................... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I AM NOT MENTALLY PREPARED TO SEE THOSE IMAGES YET!!!!!!! I MISS THEM!!! I WANT TO BE THERE SO BADLY FOR THEIR TOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

and...

YOSHITARO IS LIKE SUPERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRBLY CUTE YOOOOO!!!

HERE ARE SCREENCAPS!!!



I CAN'T BELIEVE TODAY, i was with my brother in his car heading home...... MY BRO SAID TO ME (meaning he did look at the video too hehehe)

"I don't see what the *%$&* you see in that guy. He's so *#&@*ing messy man!"

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DID MY BROTHER JUST SAY THAT????????? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!! YOSHITARO IS NOT MESSYYY!!!! DUDEEEEEE he's like SWEATING profusely and giving EVERYTHING he's got into the show man!! OF COURSE he'd look abit dishelved!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! *my poor heart* *ouch!*

I mean look at him.... SUPER CUTE!!!!

i'll never understand Yoshitaro =(..... I mean that LITERALLY.

waaaaaa~~~ why are words formed like that in Japanese??? I don't understand the sentence structure!!!! whaaaaa??? It doesn't make sense!! waaaaaaaaaa~~~~ how can i ever understand him??? I'll never!!!!!! T________T

I mean even the line i like so much in Tsuki to Tenohira... "iro iro hanashitai koto ga aru..."-- why is hanashitai in the middle there? isn't it a verb?? What is it doing there?? Hanashitai seems to be modifying koto instead.... The sentence is translated as "there are various things I want to say"... But if hanashitai is modifying koto... then it's (various) things that i want to say, there are.... Hmm............. makes sense???

Maybe it's coz my English is bad too!! So I can't really comprehend the fuction of words to begin with and what modifies what and the type of word a word is!! aaaaaaaaaaa~~~

tragedy.



ODK <3

Yes, it's about Lunkhead again... hehe.

I like Lunkhead =)

I really do.


I've been downloading ALOTTTTT of Japanese albums the past week. FINALLY checking out bands that I should have a long time ago. FINALLY checking out Lunkhead "contemporaries" like The Local Art, Art-School (i don't know why all the art ok?), syrup16g, 9mm Parabellum Bullet (i did check their albums out in Japan), Lost in Time, Base Ball Bear, etc etc....

ALSO! I finally loaded TWO "new" Lunkhead songs into my ipod ^^... They're not new songs but... songs from their singles i did not listen to because i was rationing myself to not listen to ALL their songs ALL AT THE SAME TIME... So that, when i DO get bored of the songs rotating, I have something "new" to spare... hehe ^^


BUT ANYWAY... I was thinking "why is it that I never checked out these bands wayyy long ago when I was listening to Lunkhead??"

I remember the time when I really loved Blink-182, I sort of burnt out on their songs (like how i was abit tired of the same Lunkhead songs)... I remember at that time, i just couldn't stop checking out bands. I remembered i just went on a music discovery frenzy, trying to find bands like them... Then when the whole "emo" thing came in, I was checking out wayyyyyyyy alot of bands... I just needed more...

But with Lunkhead, it seems that for the past 1 1/2 years since I heard them, I stopped looking for bands...

But you know, I just thought... I DIDN'T check out any other band because.... I was content listening to Lunkhead only.... SURE, I was abit BORED with the songs sometimes... But.... I just didn't feel the need to want to listen to someone else....

aaaaaaaaaaaaaa~~ Love~~~

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

;)

^^

ok la...

hehe, so now that I AM checking out other bands.... does that mean I have fallen out of love with Lunkhead?

OF COZ NOT.

=P

Anyway, I'm in love with Lunkhead's Futari. REALLY NICE! Ok... I DO like their acoustic songs ALOT! hehehehe.... aaaaaaaaa Odaka-kun...... somewhere inside your rocker dude, you're a sentimentalist! Muahahahahahaha...

Also, for now, of the new bands I've check out, actually yeah, syrup16g is a solid band... I liked them the most of the ones I checked out this week... But I've not gone through all the bands' stuff, so we'll have to see how it goes.

Anyway... hold on to that thought... I have more to say later ;)

So, you know, I'm sure I've mentioned before my VERY FIRST introduction to LUNKHEAD.

It was a download of a J-Rock sampler on jpopsuki back in July 2006.

I was actually looking for Grapevine because Shuunya had recommended me that band awhile ago but it was quite hard to get their stuff (at that time).
I made a search for Grapevine on jpopsuki for a torrent and the only ones I found was a J-Rock sampler uploaded by the user j1m0n3.

In that sampler towards the last few songs was Lunkhead's Komorebi.

Well................ what's to say?

In the whole sampler, it was only Komorebi that I totally fell in love with.

And after that, well, we know, what happened!

I suppose, I liked Komorebi above all the other songs on the compilation was because it was one of the the slower songs in it, and thankfully, it's also one of Lunkhead's slower songs that was put in that compilation. But most of all, I think I fell in love at first listen, because, till this day, I still think that it's a really beautiful song... and it is...


Anyway....

the person who uploaded the compilation j1m0n3, I discovered today, is actually from MALAYSIA! (hooray people! see, i am NOT the only one in Malaysia who likes Lunkhead!!).

It's weird, isn't it? How life is sometimes so circular and the world sometimes is so small.... To know that the person who is the catalyst to all these, the person who first opened that door to me, is from the very same country that I am from... and she's hakka too not to mention! andddd... her birthday is November 18!! haha... DAMN THAT'S JUST LIKE... WTH!!.......... But really, sometimes life is very funny that way... how it works...

Anyway... for those who are interested, do visit her blog:


She amazes me how she is TOTALLY updated and into the Japanese music/anime/seiyuu scene!!! AMAZING!!! She has lots of reviews and introduction on anime and music and seiyuu... Very amazing! Do check it out!

So.

I was doing a preliminary browsing through the world WIDE web for Japanese music sites... preferable one where I can check out good music (samples) of J-music of my preference, a.k.a. the Lunkhead gang.

It's almost nearly impossible to find a site that would be dedicated to bands that play Lunkhead type of music.

Firstly: categorization. Secondly: Language barrier.


ONE:
So how DO YOU classify Lunkhead type of bands? Like つばき (Tsubaki), Art-School, or even like Number Girl, Base Ball Bear, Band Apart, 8mm Parebellum Bullet, Polysics, etc etc? Do you call them J-rock? Indie Rock? Pop Rock? Soft Rock? Something rock?

If you searched for J-rock... Good luck... J VISUAL KEI rock bands would most probably pop up because that's the most popular kind of J-rock that is exported to the English speaking sphere.
Once in awhile (thanks to anime) more famous (anime-related) ROCK ROCK bands like Ajikan or the Pillows or Orange Range (they ain't just rock no?), and gang would pop up...
But for bands like Tsubaki? Lunkhead? Grapevine? Much less... and when do bands like that blur into the boundaries of like Syrup16g or The Michelle Gun Elephant or like really truly ROCK indie bands? or the the more hardcore ones....

Then, if you take the less "rock" or "mainstream" way and searched J-Indie Rock.... Good luck... The bands that are classify under J-Indie are TRULY INDIE bands. Most of the people who do post up J-indie band reviews in English are foreigners with great command of the Japanese language living in Japan... So these guys REALLY dig deep into the indie roots of J-music...





And while i may loosely group bands like Lunkhead and Tsubaki and Art-School and the likes together with 8mm Parebellum or Base Ball Bear or Boom Boom Satellites and the likes... all their sounds are QUITE DIFFERENT YO~!!!! I mean... it's not just ONE type of "J-rock" that is hard(er) to find, you know!! There are ALOT!!

Thus leaves me to...... what do I search for???


I guess... the problem (which is also related to factor TWO) is that I'm not in Japan or the scene enough to know what the Japanese fans themselves label the type of music I am looking for.


I remember 7 years ago when I first blurred from the boundary of melodic punk into then-unclassified/unknown-outside-of-America emo and screamo music like Finch, The Used, Taking Back Sunday, Thursday, Saves the Day and the likes... It was almost impossible to find the songs online... Not just coz well, the scene was maturing at that time in America and virtually unknown anywhere other so much so that I just didn't know what to search for. (By the way, I found out about most of the "emo"/"scremo"/"indie" bands back then in 2000 stuck in malaysia was through Randy's thank you liner notes, and also through Dive Thru's webradio).
I remember playing Blink-182's song Emo (from Dude Ranch album) and I remember I liked that type of song alot and I remembered from an interview that Mark said they named the song Emo coz he thought the song sounded like Emo music... So that's when i searched for EMO online... and that was probably the first time I ever heard of emo.

But when I went to America, it was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much easier to check out bands with similliar sounds! Coz they were all in the same scene anyway. All you had to do was just go for shows (or in Japanese terminology LIVE, in Malaysian terminology CONCERT, in British terminology GIGS) and you'll get to know more bands and other people who know even more bands.

BUT WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL therein lies the problem ain't it? I ain't in JAPAN! Duh... and it's probably one of the MAIN REASON why i want to live there for like a year or something. So I could go for shows and check out BANDS!!!!!!! yessss~ it would be perfect following Lunkhead around for abit and checking out bands every week! hahahahaha!!!

It's just that having gone for only 5 shows in Japan in total, I already got to meet really cool and awesome people who are so into the music that I am into, also... and they introduce me to other great bands that I am not able to get to know about on my own because of the lack of language!!


BUT...

All that said... I KNOW the information is out there without me needing to be in Japan... I know there is a mine of bands like Lunkhead I could check out and get to know about... BUT it's not just that I don't know what to call their type of music or what their scene labels themselves as, it's ALSO coz I just don't know Japanese well enough to access that kind of information. BBS boards are everywhere, blogs are everywhere, websites are everywhere... Even if there's no main English based website that would introduce these bands, there is a healthy group of hardcore Japanese fans who are in that scene... It's just that... I don't have the language to get to them...

And it's not just japanese pages but also CHINESE pages you know? Coz i look at these Chinese forums on Japanese music or manga or anime, they're like crazy!! and AGAIN, I just... don't know and can't get to the information that I want coz, I just don't have the language!




*sigh*

somehow, i want to believe there MUST BE damn lot of Art-School and Tsubaki English speaking fans out there!!!! Lunkhead too! Not as obessed (as moi hahahah) but I am sure there ARE QUITE A NUMBER OF CRAZY! ENGLISH FANS out there too!! Coz i see their albums put on sites like jpopsuki and stuff, so there must be, you know!

But it's just that.... I don't know how to search for them either... =_=

I mean seriously.... the more i try to search for something like Lunkhead, I really come across REALLY indie bands instead... or like bands like what? Acidman?

Tragedy in all.... how do i get to know their music? How do i find that particular type when... I don't even know what it's called? In ANY language!


I guess the only way is................... Last.fm!

hahahahaha...

well, yeah... actually... SERIOUSLY.


However, success..... I did get to download, apparently, ex-Number Girl guitarist's band Toodle's album Dawn Praise the World.




I should check out AT LEAST one new band a month, don't you think? I've been stuck in Lunkhead for the past 1 1/2 years, it can't be healthy..... And the only "new" band I "discovered" in that period was Tsubaki and that was because....... LIKE I SAID!! I WENT TO LUNKHEAD LIVE. I discovered Tsubaki through a CONCERT!

ain't that the best method?!

TOTALLY!!

That and having awesome crazy music fans like Luis Mendoza, Michelle Brown, Michelle Knox, Fuji and the likes...

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... i wish i could communicate with Tsuyoshi's HARDCORE LUNKHEAD FAN friend..... waaa!



Sigh......... now what? Soul Seek? Liner notes? shows? magazines?

There are always ways of digging, of course, but just how far can I persevere digging before I give up?!


Anyway I just KUDOS! and KAWTOW! to ALL THOSE who have like 50 million song files from every band imaginable on their Soul Seek folders. How the hell do you amass such fortune of song collection of such VARIED and UNKNOWN bands is BEYOND my comprehension!!! I can merely sigh in envy of your musical prowness! (and wait in line with wide-eyes to download your enviable collection!) *kudos!*

(oh yoshitaro.... wuts on YOUR ipod???............ Mr. Children probably hehe............... and....................... your girlfriend's band! *sniff**sigh**cry**ouch*)

Been watching and reading Gakuen Alice, Alice Academy, this week... Picked up the anime last month but watched it again lately...

The story revolves around a girl, Sakura Mikan, and her friends who have this ability called Alices that allows them to do stuff. That was brief haha. For example, Mikan's best friend Hotaru has the alice that allows her to build really amazing electronical stuff. Another friend and love interest Ruka, has the ability to attract and communicate with animals. And finally, Mikan's rival/partner/love interest, Natsume has a fire alice that allows him to control and use fire. Mikan has a very special nullification alice which allows her to control or nullify other alices.

So anyway, it's just about them... But I feel that, personally, the story is very much driven by Mikan's and Natsume's story while the others are just supporting characters.
Mikan's story deals much with her alice and her background. Her mother who had abandoned her, was also an alice user but has joined this group that wants to bring down the school because the school is, in actuality, using the students to do their dirty work of killing ppl etc etc... and this is where the plot intertwines with Natsume's predicament which is the most complex among all the characters. He is a slave to the higher powers of the school that is shrouded in this cynical plot we still don't know how far the evil goes. He is used by the school to do really terrible mission and he does it to protect Ruka (his best friend) and his sister (but now actually he's trying to protect everyone).

But anyway, the story is quite complex and really dark sometimes coz Natsume's story is damn tragic sometimes.

BUT OF COZ. THIS IS A SHOUJO GIRL MANGA! SO THERE'S ALWAYS A NICE LOVE STORY THERE!! MUAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAH!!!




So actually, I read it coz of the really sweet "love" story between Mikan and Natsume.

Because Natsume has to act tough and cool all the time, he rarely shows his true feelings towards Mikan.

At the begining (and even till now abit), of coz, Natsume show's his feelings towards Mikan by insulting her, calling her names, degrading her, teasing her, hitting her, torturing her, ignoring her, etc etc... you get the picture...
However, as the story progress, you see Natsume softening up to Mikan... Especially after the first Leo Arc where he gets kidnapped and Mikan comes to rescue him.

From then, I feel, it was a progression of their "relationship". Of coz it's not a typical shoujo type where suddenly love blossoms but actually, it's like a really bumpy progress punctuated with really lovely moments where Natsume lets his guard down and reveals a glimps of his feelings to Mikan.... before burning her with fire again the next moment!!

However, the parts I really like are the parts where Natsume shows his "affection" towards Mikan. Unlike the usual Shoujo manga, their "relationship" progress are few and far between but all REALLY intense and sweet...

Of coz I like the chapter where Natsume and Mikan kissed... hehe.. But I also liked the chapter where Mikan ran back to prevent Natsume from blowing himself up in the Leo chapter.
I liked chapter 54 and 55 when Natsume and Mikan get stuck together. I also really like the Alice festival chapters when Natsume "wins" Mikan as a slave. On that note, Natsume's birthday chapter was nice also.... I also REALLY REALLY liked chapter 72 alot where Mikan actually gave Natsume her Alice stone because she thought he would need her ability the most, and Natsume secretly gives her his alice stone... awww how sweet.

HOWEVER, things are not so simple of course, because this "love" story is not just riddled with love that cannot be expressed, but it's also a love triangle. Because BOTH Natsume and RUKA has feelings for Mikan... And Natsume and Ruka are really really really bonded best friends who would die for each other..... But... I suppose their attraction to Mikan it's not so simple as just love because they both see her as their light... Especially for Natsume, she saves him from who he is.... I thought it was really sweet in the RPG chapter where everybody is shunning Natsume and whispering around him and then Mikan pops up and excitedly greets him... unaware, not caring what others say about Natsume or how he usually is towards people...

So, Mikan, well..... Well... I think she feels something for Ruka... But I think her feelings for Natsume are more intense but because of his "mixed" actions, she cannot understand him and is often left totally confused... And I suppose, because Natsume gets into WAYYYYY MOREEE dangerous situations than Ruka ever does, it seems that Mikan has a greater desire to want to help Natsume... and she always gets quite worried about him.

ALSO, it has not been like a TOTAL progress in their "relationship" whatsoever...

Because now in the current chapters, due to circumstances that Natsume is in, he cannot allow Mikan close to him. There's also a new girl character who is with the bad guys of the school threatening Natsume. So because of these circumstance, Natsume often has to avoid or totally treat Mikan like shit and hurt her though it hurts him to hurt her. It's all to protect Mikan, I suppose.


I think like at the starting, Natsume and Mikan's relationship was like totally love/hate.. Natsume being annoyed at Mikan. So they never work out Then he softens up... Towards the middle, you see him change and he begins to get drawn to Mikan and starts developing feelings for her.... around chapters 30+ and finally actually you can see it already it's quite obvious he likes her around 50+ chapter till finally chapter 72... All the way till chapter 72, he still witholds from showing her his feelings.... I would think.... BUTTTT, i dunno i find it significant at 72 when they exchange alice stones coz you can really see Natsume change in how he feels towards Mikan... You know he likes her and probably he wouldn't mind being nice to her (but not entirely I THINK! haha).... BUTTTT this is when CIRCUMSTANCES come in to MAKE HIM not be able to show his feelings when finally he wants to show it!!! DAMN.


So because of all these, Natsume really can't be with Mikan as much as he wants to and needs to. And he is forced to express his regret, his apologies and most of all his feelings towards Mikan in secret and indirect ways. He has to hide behind a mask and silently confess his feelings to Mikan in chapter 84, hide behind the mask again to hold onto her to show her his true feelings and not what he was forced to say and show in chapter 86, and while pretending to be someone else, he silently hold Mikan's hand in gentle assurance to her of his true feelings. All these, he also has to do in silence and restriction WHILE looking at Ruka having a good relationship with Mikan, and WHILE he is putting his life in danger being a slave to the school by doing their dirty work.

It's REALLY REALLY REALLY so sad, Natsume can't be with Mikan like he wants to. It's so sad he has to hurt her and be hurt. It's so sad he can't say or express to Mikan how he really feels. And on top of all that, he has to watch from afar and protect the happiness of others all on his own and face such darkness all alone...

It's not just the really intense chapters like 84, 86 and 91 where Natsume is forced to confess his true feelings to Mikan in such hidden and restricted ways, but also chapters like the Valentine's Day chapter when Ruka and Mikan is alone in the classroom and Mikan gives Ruka chocolates and says he's the first one to accept it. After Ruka leaves, Mikan accidentally drops a pack of her chocolates on the floor as she is leaving the room. Natsume comes down from the ceiling where he's been hiding and overhearing Mikan and Ruka's conversation picks up the chocolates and eats it. I thought it was so damn sad because he never gets to share sweet moments like Ruka does with Mikan. But in his heart he really wants to. And in the end, he always does it or shows it all alone...

MANNNNNNNN IT'S GETTING SO TERRIBLE!!! I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSE TO BE A GIRL MANGA??????????????? ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TO ADD TO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY IS IT SO DARK?????

Anyway, I hope that Luna bitch that's been tearing Mikan and Natsume apart would dissapear SOON. Damn she's already been around for 10 chapters!! It's time for her to be DISPATCHED!!!!!!!!!!


Anyway, but i really like the parts that are so damn sweet because it's so damn sad...

I really liked chapter 46 (i think it was 46)... when Natsume, Ruka and Tsubaki was in fight and Mikan comes in... She is attacked when Natsume protects her with his fire and gets hurt in the process... Mikan sees him hurt but still fighting so strongly against the formidable opponent... THEN at that moment seeing him there, she finally understands the life Natsume lives and how different it was from their lives... and she understood the darkness he had to bear that made him how he was always so moody and silent and angry. Then she stands up and tells him that he doesn't need to protect her and she will protect herself. She tells her that she will help him. She tells him she will stand by him and use their alice together. (Remember her's is a nullifying alice that can protect Natsume from getting hurt by his own alice or by overusing his own alice) And she tells him that he shouldn't be the only one getting hurt all the time. He looks so touched by her words... because I suppose, this is the first time, someone was there with him to fight, and he didn't have to fight alone.... HOW SWEET~!!!!!!!!!


I think though Natsume is always so moody, Mikan is confused about him and Ruka is obviously the better choice but yet..... I think, the "preference" is leaning more and more towards Natsume, even though it's not expressed so much...

ALSO COZ... You can see from the mangaka setting up the situations... hahahaha... I feel that Ruka is there to make things abit more complicated, but if there was a "main" "love" plot here she is looking to develop, it would be Natsume and Mikan.
This is because everytime Ruka poses a challenge to Natsume (in regards to Mikan), Natsume will always get the opportunity to do that thing with Mikan in the end. Things like first kisses, Natsume got it first... though Ruka was the one who kissed mikan on the cheeks first (natsume got the really juicy REAL one muahahaha), also like the valentine's day chocolates, also like Mikan getting stuck with Natsume, Natsume and Mikan wanting to protect one another, Natsume calling out Mikan's name when she fell and Mikan calling his name, Mikan is the ONLY GIRL that Natsume calls by name, Natsume calls Mikan by her first name while Ruka calls her by her surname... ANDDD... actually, the mangaka makes alot of times when both Natsume and Mikan had some really close (and explict!!!) moments.... MUAHAHAHAHHAHA... dude they slept together, what can i say??? wth... i thought it was suppose to be elementary school comic???
Can tell wan la when a mangaka is thinking of which pairing more!!

Sigh i wish they'd remove the love-triangle soon... REMOVE LUNA TOO. REMOVE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT HER GONE GONE GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, i wonder if Natsume is dying also, coz apprently he DOES have the type of alice that in exchange for unlimited power and use, the lifespan of the user decreases.... I wonder in the end if maybe Mikan would use her Stealing Alice to free Natsume from his bondage and in turn, save his life...