"but eventually, they must push forward because so much awaits them."
My student asked me today, "Teacher, what kind of a ship are you?"
And I answered him, "A sinking ship."
I had a talk with Phooi Wah yesterday and... I've always realized through talking with her that I am a person who NEEDS control over my life-- I'm a person who must know that I am the one who has the options, and I am the one who decides.
But I find these days that the more I try to hold on, the more I worry and want to control over my own fate and my own future, the more it is seemingly spiralling out of control, out of my grasps-- out of what I had imagined.
I don't know but.... wasn't there suppose to have been more to life than this? Than worrying about class lessons, students and their parents? Shouldn't it be more?
The truth is that........... I know I am a good teacher, or I can be a good teacher, but the truth is that, I DON'T want to be a teacher. I guess, I don't see it like Ms Moey or Mrs Tan does, to see the lives they've changed... because I am worrying more about the screw ups that I can't help, and I am thinking and worrying more about what I have to do or what I must do or what I failed to do.... when really.... part of me really don't care... I don't care to help those who doesn't want to help themselves. I'd much rather tell them to go play far far, you dig your own grave, put the nail to your own coffin. Don't expect me to be your mom or your dad to save your sorry ass because life is what you make of it.
Perhaps. But 11-year-olds don't understand that, do they?
No, they don't.
And it's even harder to see... the point to all these. Because they students really don't give a damn. They don't give a damn if you're good or bad or nice or not. They're just there and they're just unfazed by everything.
If I could split my class up, I'd divide them into a whole lot of different groups. Let the ones who want to play to go play. The ones who want to study, work to do. Then ones who don't give a fuck, to fuck off. And the ones who are weak, I will go help.
And there will be peace and order.
We seek our own destinies after all... In the end, we're responsible for our own lives.
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