One Shot Music: The Pillows
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 2005 00:42:31 -0700 (PDT)
From: Elaine Loh
Subject: read this one: billy
To: Kevin Hor
hey Kevin,
well it's me again... i actually miss writing to you... it's good when you write back... one of those few people who bother replying my loooooooooooooong mails and actually giving me good imput! gosh...
neways, how have you been? what's up with school? when is it over? done and gone with... what's with life and other plans.... did you come over to the US here recently to see your girlfriend?? i thought you said something about that...
neways, i've not been feeling well lately... and by that i'm sure you'd understand by now that it's nothing physical. just emotional as always. but well i'm also sure u'd know by now that i'm always in this perpetual state of discontent. i wonder why. do i want too much. no. not this time perhaps. i feel like fragile clusters and fragments that are flimsly held together by conciousness to make up my being these days. it's like everytime i think about what the heck is bugging me, i start falling apart, i start to fragment and i can feel the strings of limbs trying to hold my self together. when i choose to ignore it and just go to school and not think, i'm okay. music mends but music also reminds me of things i want, had, lost. i'm confused. i desire. and i just lost what i had. but damn, life should be much better. and i do want more. i have had so much, and i thank God really, i really do, that i already had so many of my dreams come true, and yet i find myself, still, having more i wish to have...
to be unvague... i'm just perpetually bug by thoughts of japan, by desires of want to be back there again, somehow someday not too far away, i hope. i want to return. perhaps it was the beauty that captured me like what europe did to me when i was fourteen, perhaps it's the same thread of feelings. but still. it's real and it's really bugging me. and then there's the heartbreak called ryota. and while i don't think i like like him still i miss him and what i had with him and i can't understand why he just stopped talking to me and i am confused. and i am heartbroken and i wish we could have had what we had, even if it wasn't much, i wish i had our friendship still, that's all... and i can't understand why after all i have said to him, he still had the heart to make me make him another stupid mistake i've made from following my heart. and then there's again... japan... and what i want to do with the future, and i am so confused and i can't understand what i want to do, that might one day allow me to obtain that which i desire...
and i am left with fragmented thoughts rotating one after another to plauge my mind unceasingly. and my heart is left in ruin in its constant grind. perhaps i should leave it all to the Hands of God... i don't know, i am uncertain of my life and what i want to do... and if only Ryota would reply just one email, at least put a smile on my face, just that tad bit instant for a second... i would be happy, if even everything else is held up fragile around me, at least i know, you are real. but he is not. and i am lost completely... well almost completely. school keeps me going. music makes my heart better but not really because in the melodies of that chords are tied to memories, memories of Japan... which only holds together all these fragments in a common thread and an overwhelming heartache towards something more, if not bigger, in which my heart longs for....
i was reading this manga (japanese comic) the other day "for those who don't believe in god"... it was about some burnt out play director... and basically he's discontented about life and thinks it sucks and he's talking with his friend and his friend tells him that he should be happy with his life cause he has a good job, good girlfriend (whom he beats up btw), and stuff... and his friend compares him to this other student who's young and happy all the time... and the friend said "maybe in his eyes, the world is happy and in your eyes it's not"
and i guess the measure of life comes from our own perception of it... maybe just maybe.
write back yah (and save me from this loneliness)
elaine
-crazy sunshine-
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