compelled, compound, a problem, i really don't need anymore. i don't want the extra confusion although i appreciate the honesty. i really don't want to think anymore. i really just want to be happy you know. i don't want anything. i just want company. i just want someone to have lunch with, and i would be fine. i want to see his smile perhaps. but nevermind. i can't love one while longing for another. i want you though i don't know why.
sidetracking to Asian Kung Fu Generation, sometimes i feel he's just making up the words so it'd rhyme in japanese. cause it doesn't mean anything, yet sounds so cool together. are ga nai kore mo nai. hey i actually understand that! i didn't realize it... are ga nai (that is not), kore mo nai (this is also not????)... no? are (that) ga (particle) nai (not)... kore (this) mo (particle "also") nai (not).... ne?
i'm tired. i'm bored out of my mind. the words farn, mou liew, sien, mm fan hei, comes to mind... but then again my chinese has always sucked. i just wish that the only thing i am bothered by is him you know.
FOR ALL WHO DON'T KNOW. BTW. RYOTA is NOT TALKING TO ME ANYMORE AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY. One day he was really nice to me, and he stayed to talk for three hours then the next day he don't want to teach me japanese anymore (which is still partially recoverable because i could always ask others and go for the langauge lab) BUT MOST OF ALL, he stopped answering my emails and i can't understand why.
SURE if it's cause of the letter i gave to him and he doesn't like it that i like him, then AT LEAST TELL ME THAT! why the hell did he suddenly stop talking! And also like, i mean, i gave him the letter BEFORE i left for Japan. I sent him an email while i was there and he still replied THAT one... And then after that when i got back and saw him on campus, he still stayed to talk for three hourss. I mean if he had a problem with me by then, then he could have just excused himself WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY earlier and NOT STAYED to talk so long. I mean WTF IS WRONG?!
it's bothering me like TO SAY THE LEAST. and he just WOULD NOT reply any of my emails! wtf is that about?!
so it's end of friendship with him and i feel that is so crap. i mean i am feeling like fuck now, i HAVE BEEN feeling like fuck over him and all these shit for the past three weeks. and i can't seem to reel out of it. I have decided to leave it be, and maybe email him after the finals and demand a reason (cause i don't want him to be bothered with this and his studies since this is like crap to him)... BUT I AM GONNA DEMAND A REASON. but right now i feel like fuck, i really feel like hell and i really really DO NOT NEED other stuff to bother, or feel bothered by right now... i just feel like crap over ryota and it's a shit feeling i can't even get out of! and then compound that with all the thought of Japan and how much i miss it, it's like a deadly dose and mix that's a constant thought that keeps fucking up my mind, that keeps messing around with my heart, that my conciousness keeps dwelling on and keep hounding on it and it's making me feel like shit... making that damn feeling in my heart being punched out... and it's really plaguing me and making me feel like shit... so i really don't need OR WANT other stuff to deal with, you know, i just don't want to deal with more feelings, because i can't cope with this one.
ahhh fuck you ryota. kimi no machi made, i wish i had never seen your town.
elaine.
but fuck, even that... i still want to still.... be with you... like before... i miss you. although i know, i'm a fool to feel that way about you.
Monday, April 18, 2005
0 comments:
Post a Comment