into the void

So I've been checking out a lot of new Japanese bands on this app/website called Eggs.

It's such a stupid name and I've seen it around before but I ignored it coz of the stupid name.

But anyway, it's a great app coz basically it's an artist self-uploading Spotify-like app. It has daily and weekly ranking of most popular songs and artists. And you can just cloud stream the songs. (i wonder if the artists get paid!).

But anyway...

checking out the bands.......

I'm pretty disappointed. Every song and every band sounds like a replica of every other band and almost just variant copy of some famous/popular indie band.

I think Japanese indie has reached a point like what emo became in 2004, when every new band that kept popping out of the woodworks on absolutepunk.net back then just sounded like a boring unimaginative replica of every other fucking band that's already out there.

And Japanese music is like that.

Worse yet, my brother was right- Japanese music doesn't evolve.

So what this also means is that the 20-year-olds in bands today are playing songs that sound EXACTY the same as songs made by bands 6-7 years ago (when I first came to Japan), bands which have been very popular these days.


Also, the other maybe problematic thing which I have noticed in the Japanese indie music scene is that Japanese rock music has become so fucking insular- all the songs these days are SO FUCKING JAPANESE.

You see band that are my age (late 20s into late 30s), I think these bands were HEAVILY influenced by both Japanese music (Laruku/Yellow Monkeys/ Mr Children/Spitz/etc) AND ALSO western bands, grunge, Brit Rock, Heavy Metal: Nirvana, Oasis, Metallica, Radiohead, Blur and even more like Bowie, New Order, etc.

But most kids these days coming out of high school bands barely listen to these foreign band nor any foreign bands (and I blame this too for the lack of fucking really fucking innovative and influential rock bands from the west seeping into foreign music and culture).

So.... I feel most Japanese indie band these days are soooooooo fucking boring, repetitive and unimaginative.

I have to say though, that the only variety rising out of this mass of uninspired junk are actually FEMALE bands and vocalists.

You go girls!

Today, I had a sudden craving to listen to "Kelly Song" by The Movielife, so i dug out the old external drive and up the song into the itouch.... Along with it I also uploaded Saves The Day stuff too!

Anyway, SAVES THE DAY IS AN AMAZING BAND DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man, I Really REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY miss singing out, screaming out and ROCKING OUT with songs man!!! Seriously!!!

Dude, my music completely lacks English music. I realized that of the 500 songs in the iTouch I have less than 20 English songs dude.

I mean, I love Japanese music and all that and I love Lunkhead and Tsubaki and Art-School and Syrup16g and Sekaiichi and all those bands but DUDE, I think nothing beats totally rocking out and singing your heart out with the words of a song!!! Seriously!! I Really miss that!!!

I mean, I think you can memorize lyrics after awhile even if you can't understand what you're singing... But it's just different.. Different to just sing it out and sing what you mean and just fall in love with the words and the tune and the awesomeness of the song in its entirety.


THAT SAID THOUGH.........

I was thinking to myself when I was listening to Firefly's bridge... when Chris sings...

"To me you are the light from a light bulb that breaks sometimes
and the tender warmth inside is released into my life
and it smothers me in flames that lick and scorch my face.
As the smoke reaches the sky know I'm burning tonight."

I thought these words are just simply so damn awesome.... So damn well written you know??? Just amazing...

I really, really, really miss lyrics like these!!!

Don't get me wrong, I am sure the Japanese bands I listen to has kicked out something as great and amazing (Lunkhead's Tsuki to Tenohira dude!!!), but I can't understand them...

ANd it just felt wonderful to understand such amazing words and more amazing to hear them...

And I thought to myself, "man, I should check out English bands again"

BUT THEN, THE REALIZATION STRUCK ME AT THAT MOMENT.

I can't check out English bands.

I think it doesn't matter whether I understand the language.

I think, that era is over, you know? That era of the glory of old Saves the Day, old Taking Back Sunday, old Brand New.... They're all OVER. And that was the glory. THESE SONGS are all there is.

And it's very naive of me to think I can just go online and check out bands and expect to find something as awesome again.

I'm dead wrong.

I won't find them.

Cause THAT was the best that it got.

And these are the only songs that there is.



Anyway, I guess that's the realization that i got today...

I always want to check out new bands (English bands anyway), hoping that there would be some gem, like those of the former glory days... But I never realized until today that music does change and music does evolve (or... degenerate)... And thus, when something is over, it's over, that glory and that beauty won't be able to be recaptured when it's gone.


So, yeah, I guess Firely, Sell My Old Clothes I'm Off To Heaven, Nightingale, Freakish, This Is Not An Exit, are all we have!

Sorry, I know the Japanese post is very long at the bottom. Obviously, it's not mine, it's Yoshitaro's.

(TO ALL MY FRIENDS OUT THERE WHO ARE SICK AND TIRED ABOUT ME TALKING ABT YOSHITARO AND LUNKHEAD, DON'T WORRY, THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE POSTS! hahaha...)

I really love Yoshitaro's blog posts sometimes. Odaka-san is so Odaka-san. I think everything in his words always betrays his true self, or whatever that true self he would like to project to the public, to his fans.

But I think a person who thinks too much and contemplates about life too much, will always be a person who thinks too much and contemplates about life too much.

Like how my brother can never stop philosophizing about life, and neither can I stop from personal reflection.

And so, so can't Yoshitaro NOT reflect on life and his thoughts of it.

Albeit, I can't understand Yoshitaro's post most of the time, I really, really feel close to his posts that always reflects on life, and his thoughts on existence and science and humanity.

Odaka-san, are you an existentialist?!


Actually, I was already going to blog about this before Yoshitaro's post came up.


I was watching a documentary the other day about the Superstrings Theory a.k.a The Theory of Everything, or the unifying theory that is seeking to encapsulate both large scale structures of physics such as the universe with the tinest of subatomic qantum physics (I think).

My brother had told me about the superstrings theory, as well as the Chaos Theory, Quantum Electro Dynamics and all that lot, back when I was 14..... Yeah, my brother is abit of a genius. lol. But of coz, my 14-year-old pea brain could not comprehend such manitude of things-- not completely anyway!

ANYWAY! Watching that documentary around December last year when my life was facturing into a million pieces (it's still in pieces now by the way), I was just thinking:

"Dude, some people dedicate and spend their whole lives to something as great as the search for a theory of Everything-- that would grip this world in such a revolutionary force- AND THEN there was ME, who was lounging my life away, wasting it on music, bands, and concerts-- and wanting nothing more to do in life except to see Lunkhead live."

What the hell.

I don't think the WASTAGE of the gift of life could be more aptly illustrated.


Anyway, the superstrings theory was brought to mind, actually, because Odaka-san actually mentioned it in his blog post too =).... Ahhh, Yoshitaro, true to your nature, how very, very, very fitting that you studied Engineering at Waseda--

Today's post was REALLY, REALLY so essentially Yoshitaro that it could not have gotten more Yoshitaro than this. Starts off about work (recording and stuff), then moves on to COOKING... second day in a row! And then suddenly veers off into a totally different direction-- a monologue on the meaning of life and existence, obligation to humanity, the reason of war, and the theory of everything (probably, because, I think, if my Japanese did not fail me, he thought the blog was too shallow (child) since it was about cooking and nothing lately, he wanted to make it less shallow)-- And ending then off his whole post with , Still, I want to sing."

How much more Yoshitaro can you get than that? The post practically encapsulated all the dimensions of his personality true to heart (or at least what has been revealed to the public, to the fans).

BUT.

Bravo, Yoshitaro- I guess, in the end, I'm sure you know, and you feel that there could have been so many other lives that you could have chosen, so many other "greater" things for humanity that you could have done, but in the end-- I guess, those hands waving back at you in the sea of faceless crowds, and your love for music, conquered everything else.


BUT.

At least you found what you love, Odaka-san, something great enough to live for, something great enough to sacrifice for, and perhaps, something great enough to die for.


You know, I was thinking about my own life the other day-- And of course, I thought of Japan, and how I was sprialling everything I had into a single path, into a bet, into the singular goal of simply going to Japan because I want to-- Because I want to see these bands.

And for that one desire, I have given up on everything else, on everything and all that I could have been, perhaps, and all I could have achieved with my God-given talents, with my father's hard sacrifice for the education and qualification he has given me, with all that I am and all that I have-- I have thrown them all away-- burnt the bridges that were built for me by sacrifices of those who loves me, shot myself in the foot-- Just for that one desire-- Such a shallow desire.


I've always been a passionate person. I've always been a dreamer. And many a people has told me that my love for these bands are so obsessive but nonetheless sometimes, so admirable, for the dedication I have to them. And I admire people like Ame too, who loves Lunkhead more than I can ever, and someone like Sei who loves Plastic Tree with unwavering passion for 10 years. I admire them. And I know, while my love for bands pales in comparison to these true fans, I know I am obsessed.

BUT.

BUT.

それでも、

There is a danger in loving something too much.

While my dedication to Lunkhead is encouraging (or scary!) for the band--

Really, I don't think it's good.

Because when you love something too much, or even someone, you become completely BLIND towards everything else.

Towards ALL the other ways that you could have taken.

Towards ALL the other opportunities that you could have had.

Towards ALL the other lives you could have lived.

Towards ALL the other things that you could have been.

But now am not.

And the further you go, the further you pursue in blind love for that ONE THING.

The further you can never return,

to those other ways that you didn't take,
to those other opportunities you didn't have,
to those other lives you never lived,
and to all the other things you now cannot be.

Because you loved one thing too much.
And because you couldn't see anything else because you loved that one thing too much.

「そしてやっぱり俺は歌いたい。」 - And after all, I want to sing.

Really, Odaka-san..... Well, at least, your dream is a dream worth sacrificing for.



I was at Morning Glory Home the other day, I think it was a half-way house and rehabilitation house run by the Church's pastor-- And I was looking at the residents there...

And I was thinking, actually, sometimes, I wonder if that is what God wants me to do in the end. Welfare work. I don't know if I have the strength and capabilities and endurance and resourcefulness for it, but I KNOW that I DO have the heart for it.

I was thinking because I was also thinking about Japan, and all the things I had wanted to do with my life and all the places that I still wish I could go in my life-- and how everything never came true and how my dreams are slipping further and further away. And I was also thinking about the other half of life I never considered, but am thinking about, that is settling down, getting married, having children of the man I love and being a good wife to the person I love the most.

Yet, all those options seems so elusive. Like a haze I cannot grasp or hold in my hands.

And I wondered if it was because God wants me to do this-- That my calling is to go into doing welfare work-- to help-- and that requires me not to have permanent attachments, nor allow me to have personal desires such as going for concerts.

Maybe that's why I would never reach the dreams I dream-- because those aren't the lives I was meant to live.

Maybe this is.



Ne, Odaka-san, I wish I could say like you, "Still, yet, and after all, I want to sing."

But, actually, maybe you got to do what you want to do because that is the life you were meant to live-- even though you most certainly have what it takes to be something so much more for this humanity-- Maybe singing, and those songs that you pour out to the thousands out there, that comforts us, that gives us strength in your words and in your songs-- Maybe that IS your destiny. Maybe that IS what you were always meant to do.


Wonderful isn't it? To find what you were meant to do, and to be doing it.


今日は休み。という事で髪を切りにいった。
かなりすっきりした。
が、明日の練習でも多分誰も切った事に気付かないだろう、というくらい。
そしてどういう訳か、なんとなく家まで走って帰ってみた。
５キロ弱くらいだと思うけど
すんげー汗掻いてしまった。
そしてスーパーで半額になっていた真だらと白菜とまいたけを買って帰った。
真だらは両面に塩胡椒し、片栗粉をまぶしたらバターとオリーブオイルでまず片面をこんがり焼き
裏返して弱火にして少し焼いたら、適当に切ったしめじと白菜をばっさり山盛りいれ、蓋をして蒸し焼きに。
６、７分たったら蓋を取って醤油をまわして出来上がり。簡単～。
かなり見切り発車で適当に作ってみた割にとても美味しかった。バターと醤油は最強タッグだな～。
しかし、なんだかした事しか書いていない小学生のような日記。
それでもちゃんと一日分歳を取って、一日分時間は流れて
これがあと２万回も繰り返したら、
そのどこかで俺はちゃんと死ななきゃいけないんだ。
それって当たり前だけど不思議だ。
死って、
生に含まれるって、ノルウェイの森だったっけ？

死は、生きている人間にとってしか存在しないし、
生きている人間には結局死がどういうものなのか解らない。
そして死んだ瞬間、死は無に変わってしまう。
んじゃないかな～。なんて事を考える。
だいたい俺は何処から来たのだろう？
生まれる前は何処にいたの？
どの瞬間から俺は俺だったのだろうか？
というか、俺は今もどこにいるのか？
例えば俺がもし誰とも会わず、誰とも話さずいた一日は
俺が忘れてしまったら、もう誰の中にも存在しない。
過去は、もはや『存在しない』事なんだ。
常にその痕跡があるに過ぎないんだ。
常に『今』という瞬間瞬間があるに過ぎないし
それはその瞬間すでに最早過去となってしまっている。
そういうのを全部繋ぎとめているのは人間の脳みそなんだなあ。
例えば
A.朝、起きて学校に行く。
そこにはビルが建っている。
俺はそれが校舎だという事を記憶している。
今日も退屈な一日が始まる、という事を経験上予測する。

B.朝、起きて学校に行く。
そこにはビルが建っている。
このビルはなんだろう？ねえ、君、このビルはなんですか？
いや私も解らないのですよ。あなた、このビルはなんでしたっけ？
僕も解りません。
僕も。
僕も。
僕も。
僕も。
僕も。
僕も。
俺も。
私も。
拙者も。
某も。
小生も。
じゃあ一体このビルはなんなんでしょうねえ？
………

このビルが自分に変わらないなんて何処にも保証がないではないか。
まるで世にも奇妙な物語か、アウターゾーン（なつかしい）みたいな話だけど。

もうすでに現実にして半ばマトリックスの世界だったんだ。
あまりに確実な事が不確実すぎる。
不確定なものが確定とされすぎる。
世界が狂っているのではなく、もともと狂っているものが世界なんじゃないか。

そしてたった一人の人間も何処から来て何処へ行くのか解らない。
宇宙がどうやって始まり、どうやって進んでいくのか、
そもそも、宇宙に始まりはあるのか？
超ひも理論を定説とすると
宇宙の時間は色んなところで捻曲がったり進んだり戻ったりもするみたいだけど
そしたら俺達は若返ったりもしてるのだろうか？
そして時間が戻るという事は、俺達のその記憶は？
俺達は進んだ分の記憶しか残っていない。はず。
戻った時は戻った時の記憶が残されるのだろうか？
その感覚ってどんなだろう？
時間が戻るという事はその分の記憶や事象がなくなっていくという事？
そうしたら、それは戻ったという事さえ存在しなかったという事になって結局同じ？
そもそも時間が一定に進むという前提で人間は考えている事から間違いなのか？
戻る、という事を『逆に進む』と捉えると、つまりそれってどういう事なのだろう？
わからんわからん。途方もない。
そもそも、前にも書いたけど、時間が行ったり来たりするって事以上に
その、時間が進むって事がやっぱり不思議だ。
もし、時間が止まったとしたら、
・その瞬間に厚みがなければ、時間は進まない。
・逆に、その瞬間に厚みが存在したら、その厚みの分時間が経過した事になって
時間が止まった事にならない。
解りやすくいうと
時間の単位が0.0000……001秒とどこまで小さくなっていっても０にならない。
0.0000……001秒の下には
0.0000……0001秒が。そのしたには
0.0000……00001秒が。
限りなく0に近づいていくけど決して0にならない。
数学でいえば極限という現象。
時間は限りなく何処までも0に近づいていく。
その一方で何処までいっても決して0になる事はない。

時の流れのメカニズムって早く誰か解りやすく解明してくれないかなあ。
時間が早く進んだり、ゆっくり進んだりするって事は解明されてるのだからもうちょっと？
もしや、既に解明されてる？
というか、もうわけからん。

とにかく宇宙だ！
すげ～。人間はみんな宇宙だ！

なんつってるあいだに
とても痛い日記になってしまった。読み返しもしないよーん。
小学生の日記で止めといたらよかった。
芋お湯割り素敵です。

戦争は必要悪だとか、死刑制度は倫理に反するとか
俺はよく解りません。
だけど、
俺は、自分の大事な人が、虫けらみたいに扱われて殺されたら
その殺した相手の両親や、恋人や、大事な人がどんなに悲しんでも
どうやってでも同じ想いをさせて殺してやりたいと、きっと思ってしまう。
そこになにも生まれないと解っていてもどうしようもないと思う。
人が人を裁ける訳ないんだ。
それでも、戦争は、そんな人の気持ちを誘導して逆撫でして焚き付けて
それで甘い汁を啜ってる奴がいるんだ。
それは何処かのブッシュやえらい人だけじゃない。
俺も、あなたも。

レコーディング中、
最近レコーディング技術も発展してきたねって話をしてたんだけど
エンジニアさんがぽろっと
これって戦争のなんかの技術で出来たんだってさって。
ドキッとした。
周りを見渡せば
戦争のために開発された技術が俺達の生活を支えている。
戦争が起こると技術が進歩するって事も
どうして進歩するかっていうと、
戦争のためなら国は惜しまず投資するっていう事も

俺達の知らない沢山の誰かの悲しみと憎しみと絶望、不安、恐怖、苦しみ、諦め
そして未来を
当たり前みたいに踏みにじっている上に成立しているという事。

それをレコーディング中の何気ない会話の中であまりに身に染みて
それからずっと夢に見てしまう。
自分の想像力のなさに悲しくなる。
戦争と自分は繋がっていた、っていう事。
自分が生み出す音楽でさえ、戦争と繋がっていた事。
あまあまちゃんでした。
知らないは、罪だ。

その全部に対しての俺の答えはまだ出ていません。
でも想像したい。常に想像していたい。
そしてやっぱり俺は歌いたい。

うーん…。最終的にやっぱり重い内容になってしまった。
はいすみません。
おやすみなさい。

I'm not Republican but, part of me don't quite trust news reports on like Palin and all these ethical issues she's entangled in. I just feel that when it comes to the media and online public opinion, McCain and Palin has lost- So, whatever news reports that are coming out about Palin, isn't all that un-biased.

I mean, why is her history the only one being highlighted? I mean, if you want to be fair in reporting (haha, what an oxymoronic phrase), I think the history of EVERY candidate and their running mates in this race should be researched, dug-up and highlighted. And I am sure, no matter how "clean" any politician is, I doubt they are spotless.

So, I mean, I'm not Republican, but I do certainly think that the media is totally already bought and biased in this race towards Obama. Therefore, I barely read the news when it concerns any alleged scandal of either side of the race.

nuff said.

20 days to the fate of the world.

I think students don't fail the system, it's the system that failed the students.


From the first week at SriKDU, this is my observation.

I teach mainly 3 classes, 5 Dickens, 6 Edison and 6 Galileo, and a forth,.6 Columbus.

Before I started work, I was really terrified by the horror stories that the teachers said about the students: miss behavior, naughty, won't listen, noisy, etc. Like I said, I was so terrified because, to think that two RESPONSIBLE teachers, the two teachers with the most experience, probably, would be willing to leave their students just 3 months before UPSR. It's quite unthinkable, you know...

Looking at that, I was really scared.

And I really wanted to learn alot more about class control, and I still do...

But now, being in the system and seeing the students themselves, from what I see, I think the system has failed the students, not that the student failing the system.


I UNDERSTAND why the teachers are so damn stressed out and are screaming at the top of their lungs to get class control it's because.... THEY ARE TOO STRICT. Actually, it's because they are too RIGID.

I see the teachers and listen to how they say the students are "rude" and "disrespectful". But within my heart, seeing the students-- I don't think they are rude and disrespectful at all... I think they're just very VOCAL, very AMERICAN, and just well... very... kids. They're children you know?

And I don't think it's the student who are disrespectful or rude, but just the teachers who are not seeing that kids these days have changed.

And I feel that their "inappropriate" behavior are made even worse because of the rigidity.

Kids these days are growing up in such a liquid and vast world-- they think more, they talk more, they see more, they learn more, they know more, they have so much more than any other generations before that-- For that, they are such different creatures from what we are. There is NO WAY we can expect them to be like us AT ALL. They're simply NOT, and they simply CAN'T.

And these "inappropriate" or "problematic" students are made progressively worse by this system that does not recognize their difference and their uniqueness. Sure our motto hails that all the kids are individual and unique beings, but bullshit, that is totally NOT addressed in class. Whatever "non conforming behavior" is simply cut down, punished, stigmatized and therefore made worse.

Ever wonder why the student didn't turn the leaf around? Is because he was never seen as anything more than just a nuisance in class. If we truly believed that he is a unique and individual being, then we should have recognized that he has a different learning needs than the usual "I AM THE TEACHER THEREFORE I AM KING" attitude and mentality in teaching.

I mean i know as a teacher i should control them... But like yesterday... The two so-called "problematic" students in 6 Galileo were doing their work... just that they were more noisy in doing it than the rest of the class, but they were doing work.... So how can i punish them? What for? what will it achieve? They have already been labelled as BAD STUDENT for such small things...

Imagine, psychologically... At 12, u are already labelled as BAD BOY.... c'mon, what would that do to the kid? You think he will become worse or better?? Some may become better but we can already see that punishment won't make him change, so what for punish even more?????

Teaching doesn't just take passion and sacrifice, I feel... I'm beginning to learn here that, teaching takes much more than that. Perhaps it takes compassion, it takes-- I suppose, it takes us changing ourselves too.

Don't get me wrong. I say these things, but I am damn hard core conservative in my beliefs too. I DO believe that kids are getting "progressively worse". And I do think that teachers should guide students. That teachers should be there to control things. That teachers should be a yardstick, a compass of some sort.

But... the more I see SriKDU, actually, the more I feel that I too must change.

I've learnt today that, I believe that in this new system, we cannot just impose our values on our students. They are different beings and therefore, should be understood as such.



Yes, I also have students who are super smart and hardworking and the best students you can ever dream of... Then there are the SUPER PLAYFUL ones... Then you have the ADDs or the ADHDs... Then those who are downright annoying... Then the needy attention seekers..... Then, we also have the one or two who are, well, insane.... Then, who can forget all the the Southpark Cartmans in class.... Then in contrast to that, I have the super quiet ones that are just there..... and then the delinquents... They're all varied you know....
And REALLY.... actually, SriKDU is a breed of its own.......

BUT because of that, you just... CAN'T teach them the way you teach other kids... They're NOT like that and teachers have to recognize that they're not... That the problem is not in the students not fitting into your nice discipline mold, but that you need to make that mold more liquid to accommodate and to encapsulate all these types of people, in hopes of making a system where the kids can learn and grow the way they were born and meant to grow.


MAYBE in that sense, I totally am NOT suited to be an Primary School teacher. If one's philosophy in education is that the teacher must be the moral guide and yardstick of the children, then I am totally unsuitable for it.

Because i really don't agree with controlling the students too much sometimes... And, like I said, I don't think I should impose MY values on them. As someone older, I feel I should only advice them and show them what I think, but I don't think they MUST be like me or conform to MY ways.....

Maybe I am totally unsuitable as a primary teacher because my ultimate goal is not to shape them to be like me, or to shape them to be subservient followers. I would like them to learn, I would like them to be smart about things, I want them to discover the world for themselves and not from what the teacher says.

I feel that my role is as an English teacher. I shall correct their English and teach them the usage of the language. And I want my role to be as.... perhaps... an older friend, one who has my own opinion on life because I have lived longer, and I have these wealth of experience they can learn from, or that I want to impart on them... But NOT to IMPOSE on them.

I guess the word to use when it comes to teaching for me is to IMPART and not to IMPOSE.


If a parent complains I am too nice then i really want to tell them "the only way to control your kids is to scream at the top of my lungs to control them, critizise them for their every fault and reign down on them like a tyrrant. Because at this school, nothing less than that can get them to pay attention. But i dont believe in puttin a child down."

On one of the days, I saw one student who went to see his maths teacher in the staffroom.. The teacher was with another BM teacher... And when they student just said "Ms....." . The BM teacher just EXPLODED and screamed at the top of her lungs at him for not saying "Excuse me."... She just berated him for being "rude" and "no manners" and the teachers are always saying how the students are just so rude...

Dude, they're not rude, man. They're just vocal. And different. It's not like the student is outright challenging you, he's just that way.

In fact, I find it even more rude, when when of my student questions MY teaching, you know what I mean? Because in that sense, that's when they're proud and think they know more than you. But some of these students, they're not being rude, they're just hyperactive and excited, and they're just kids!

Like, I'm sorry, I guess I am fucked up that way, but I found my "good" student in 6 Edison more rude when she questioned in this mocking matter "you didn't tell us we should not mark in blue pen? And are you sure you want us to correct our answers in blue pen? Blue and red will look so weird." Than when my other student in 6 Galileo used "Dumbass" or "stupid" in my other class.

So what!? Dumbass is just mouthing off man. But who the fuck cares if it's a fucking blue or red pen??


I guess my dad is right, it takes a fucked up person like me to deal with equally problematic kids. And I guess I am fucked up that way. For goodness sake, I use "FUCK" a fuck lot more than my students (albeit they're 14 years younger).

I want my students to be thinking. That's all. I don't give a fuck if you can score 100% on your exam but you can't grow yourself a brain. BUT, if you can think on your own, you have your own ideas, you don't do things just because you're told but because you want to do it, and you dance perfectly to the tune of you own drum, then I congratulate you. Of course, it's even better if you're LOUD and SMART at the same time, yeah!! haha...

But I just think it's being a hypocrite if I criticize them and punish them for being lazy or cursing in class. C'mon dude, I was never a great student! I barely did any of my homework! I barely paid attention in class. And albeit I never said "fuck" in front of my teachers, it's not as if I had never used the word either!

How could I penalize the students for all that when I'm also a culprit???

Like I said.... I want them to be smart. Have a brain. Not just.... answer questions, score A in their UPSR... What's the value in that? Even monkeys can pass UPSR.... Unless they're going for Harvard or Caltech or MIT in 6 years, just let be, you know?

I guess... Really, they're kids. And I want them to be kids. They can't behave like adults... But, part of me, I certainly want to reason with them like adults... I don't want to ask Carter and Corey to shut up and to punish them for mouthing off or anything else and punish them like a kid.. Albiet their actions are childish, but, I feel that they are smart enough to reason with. I want to tell them that, yes, I may allow them to misbehave because I don't care... but their classmates (AND THEIR RICH PARENTS!) do. And that their behavior doesn't need to be 100% porcelain doll, but just not riotous to a point of disturbing their classmates.

I'm terrible also in the sense that i feel that, if the teachers before had not INSISTED on perfect silence, the other students too, would have gotten used to studying in an environment of acceptable noise! I just feel that, you need to allow room for those who are different, you know?

Actually...

Now....

I'm more afraid of the GOOD STUDENTS and their PARENTS, than I am with the problematic students of 6 Galileo...



Anyway, personally, I feel that...... people will change and people will grow... Our crap habits will change and evolve... and WE will change and evolve.... I believe that morality, I believe our personal heart and the compass of that heart is not something learnt from school... It is inborn, and it is learnt from life and the myriad of things we learn in life.


That said...

anyway........ i'm just scared about the good students

and.........

i hope it won't get worse with Carter and Corey.

i want to give them a chance...... but maybe I'm just freshed and inexperienced.

But.... sometimes I know.... looking at the kids... When I look at them smile and be enthusiatic. When they give me smart answers. So damn cute. I know, I know, I know, so deeply in my heart, that I am just naturally incapable of making these noisy ones feel bad about themselves, or make them hate me..... I can't you know....

Naturally, I know I am not someone who has a hard heart to scold them.... I know, even if i tried to be stricter, it would not be natural for me... I can be, I suppose, but it's not what I naturally am...

So..... SIGHHHHHHH............. I guess... I just have to find a way to stop Carter and Corey from cursing in class..... I also have to find a way to deal with the noise.

And most of all...

I will have to find a way to deal with the COMPLAINING PARENTS because I have a bad feeling they're gonna come HOUNDING for my head on a platter soon enough!

WASHINGTON - Dyslexia affects different parts of children's brains depending on whether they are raised reading English or Chinese. That finding, reported in Monday's online edition of Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, means that therapists may need to seek different methods of assisting dyslexic children from different cultures.

"This finding was very surprising to us. We had not ever thought that dyslexics' brains are different for children who read in English and Chinese," said lead author Li-Hai Tan, a professor of linguistics and brain and cognitive sciences at the University of Hong Kong. "Our finding yields neurobiological clues to the cause of dyslexia."

Millions of children worldwide are affected by dyslexia, a language-based learning disability that can include problems in reading, spelling, writing and pronouncing words. The International Dyslexia Association says there is no consensus on the exact number because not all children are screened, but estimates range from 8 percent to 15 percent of students.

Reading an alphabetic language like English requires different skills than reading Chinese, which relies less on sound representation, instead using symbols to represent words.

Past studies have suggested that the brain may use different networks of neurons in different languages, but none has suggested a difference in the structural parts of the brain involved, Tan explained.

Tan's research group studied the brains of students raised reading Chinese, using functional magnetic resonance imaging. They then compared those findings with similar studies of the brains of students raised reading English.

Guinevere F. Eden, director of the Center for the Study of Learning at Georgetown University in Washington, said the process of becoming a skilled reader changes the brain.

"Becoming a reader is a fairly dramatic process for the brain," explained Eden, who was not part of Tan's research team on this paper.

For children, learning to read is culturally important but is not really natural, Eden said, so when the brain orients toward a different writing system it copes with it differently.

For example, English-speaking children learn the sounds of letters and how to combine them into words, while Chinese youngsters memorize hundreds of symbols which represent words.

"The implication here is that when we see a reading disability, we see it in different parts of the brain depending on the writing system that the child is born into," Eden said.

That means, "we cannot just assume that any dyslexic child is going to be helped by the same kind of intervention," she said in a telephone interview.

Tan said the new findings suggest that treating Chinese speakers with dyslexia may use working memory tasks and tests relating to sensor-motor skills, while current treatments of English dyslexia focus on letter-sound conversions and sound awareness.

He said the underlying cause of brain structure abnormalities in dyslexia is currently unknown.

"Previous genetic studies suggest that malformations of brain development are associated with mutations of several genes and that developmental dyslexia has a genetic basis," he said in an interview via e-mail.

"We speculate that different genes may be involved in dyslexia in Chinese and English readers. In this respect, our brain-mapping findings can assist in the search for candidate genes that cause dyslexia," Tan said.

In their paper, the researchers noted that imaging studies of the brains of dyslexic children using alphabetic languages like English have identified unusual function and structure in the left temporo-parietal areas, thought to be involved in letter-to-sound conversions in reading; left middle-superior temporal cortex, thought to be involved in speech sound analysis, and the left inferior temporo-occipital gyrus, which may function as a quick word-form recognition system.

When they performed similar imaging studies on dyslexic Chinese youngsters, on the other hand, they found disruption in a different area, the left middle frontal gyrus region.

The study was funded by the Ministry of Science and Technology of China, the Hong Kong Research Grants Council and the University of Hong Kong.

In a separate paper, published two years ago, University of Michigan researchers reported that Asians and North Americans see the world differently.

Shown a photograph, North American students of European background paid more attention to the object in the foreground of a scene, while students from China spent more time studying the background and taking in the whole scene.


By RANDOLPH E. SCHMID, AP Science Writer

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080408/ap_on_he_me/dyslexic_differences;_ylt=Ai7NtqFyRqKxOKmOutlmeYWs0NUE


How interesting!!!

Actually I was just thinking about Dyslexia across languages today. I was just wondering if it's possible for a person to be non-dyslexic in one language but dyslexic in another.

But dyslexia is not like a nature problem, but rather a physical chemical brain dysfuction, right? So, does that mean that this dysfunction will disrupt learning in any language because it's a physical dysfunction?

So, here, in this study in this article, it shows that different type of learning is required for different languages-- and therefore different techniques required to overcome dyslexia.

So... is it possible that one may not be dyslexic in one language but dyslexic in another?

But what is dyslexia? How does it occur? What part of the brain does it affect that causes this reading disability?

I just always thought dyslexia is the inability to associate symbols with sounds because the brains just can't make that connection.

Hmmm....... should research some about this...

I don't remember many of my brithdays... in fact barely.... But I think I remember my 16th, 19th and 21st birthdays....

16th because my dad threw a really nice party for me with all my friends.

19th coz i just made myself remember the other day, with Kevin and KDU friends at Planet Hollywood (I think...)

21st coz I flew out to Florida to see Days Away and to celebrate it with them. Tim threw up, i almost got arrested, Keith bought me a drink (and then dinner and did i mention lunch too? shite, i owe him ALOT!).... it was abit of a mess but fun.

And these are this year's:

I celebrated it with my department... =) it was really fun =)

ANGELINE BOUGHT A CAKE FOR ME WITH: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MRS. YOSHITARO...... wth =______=

I saw the cake and I saw like "Mrs." there first and I thought they spelt it wrongly... then I saw YOSHITARO... WTH =________= I was looking at Asuka and Karin and they were smirking away. hahahaha WTH =_________=

hahaahah... SERIOUSLY! and i thought I was the one obsessed but it seems that hey! so is everyone else it seems! wat the heck! hahahahaha

Neways, it was really sweet of them =)



They all also bought me flowers and a bag =)))



Here's with Mrs. Tan *heart*



Here's with the whole department and all my students =)



The three youngest lecturer at college.... I'm the oldest of the three, followed by Angeline (on the right), and Phooi Wah (on the left)




Well what can I say?

When my father asks why I don't quit my job, why am i staying at MCKL shit pay shit job, When my brother looks at me with his disaproving face and chastise me with his disaproving voice... What can I say?

I can't say anything, but to show them these pictures... and SHOW them the REASON why I stayed... and I suppose.. why i am still continuing to stay... despite the shit pay and the shit jobs haha.

------------

Also, I want to say thank you to all who called or texted or wished me Happy Birthday: Daniel, YYY, Lillien, Rachel, Alex, Vivian, Ching Mun, Debby, Aida Yazrin, Aida Sam, Mom, Dad... and errr... lupa.. hahahah SORRY! hahahah and THANKS MAN EVERYONE =) thanks for remembering and for taking the time to wish =) *loves*

I love this picture... somehow to me... it captures everything... well, almost everything, of how i was there then... that I could do whatever i wanted... and i was the freest... and I was me... or at least, all that i wanted me to be...

i miss california because i was the most truthful there; when i wasn't trying to be someone else, something else, someone that others want me to be. there, i was only myself; what I wanted to be.

I was reading a book the other day. California: Dreams and Realities. Coincidently, it was actually complied by the professor in Uni who taught me Popular American Culture class.

The introduction had in it some questions that asked what image does California conjure in our mind when we think about it? What does California mean to us? What is California in our consciousness?

Unfortunately for me, as much as I do see the dichotomy between the dream California and the realities of California, SoCal will always be painted in a perpetual sunshine and blue skies in my mind, where anything could be possible-- because for me, for my experiences, as much as i did see the sot and stink of 7th and Metro, California to me still shines.

I don't think California is a place I can truly be objective about and to study this state unbiased-- as much as it is the archetypal of the American Dream, the good, the bad-- it is indeed, the Golden State to me, and everything that the American Dream idealistically is suppose to be.

I think I feel very indebted to the all the people I met here in America in my stay here...

Before i came to California, I was very worried if it was God's will for me to come to California. But looking back at the past years here, I know, you know, I think it was the right choice...

I say this because of all the great and amazing people I have met here who have just simply been so wonderful towards me...

Everyone: from Luis to Michelle, Johanna, Wendy Michelle and Jessica, Carin, Norika, Aya, Justin and everyone I met at CSUN, Michelle, Chris and Rob, Maya, Taku (sensei yo!)... And then there were the various friends i met each semester who accompanied me every one of those semesters: Jessica, Vanessa, Aya, Akio.... And of course there's Aunt Mei, the Zeier Family, and of course EILEEN... also in Boston, Dragon and his family, G, Minh and Young... EVERY SINGLE ONE i have met and come to know in America, EVERY ONE of them have been awesome awesome awesome and simply AWESOME towards me.

I know i didn't make like a WHOLE BUNCH of BIG friends but you know, the few people I've met in my time here, they have just held out such a welcoming and warm hands to me that has colored my experience here wonderful...

You guys are amazing, you know that? And for every memory of America that I have, I will remember them as Beautiful because of You.

Thank you all and Thank You God.


==============

Today, Michelle, Chris, Robin and I went out for dinner. It was awesome meeting up again... haha, our group who went to Japan last year. It is great that I got to know them and we could become friends through that trip...

And I'm really really so touched that they're sooooooooooo VERY VERY awesome towards me, although I don't really hang out with them much... They have NEVER once treated me like an outsider you know... But considered me a Friend.... I am so touched and will enternally be grateful for making me feel like I am part of this....

Anyway.... here are pictures :)


Willy Wonka!!! Chris's Halloween Outfit, it's damn cool!


Michelle and I :)


Rob and Chris :D hahah they're damn funny ok!!!


GROUP PIC!! The gang who went for Guy Healy Camp Spring 05 ^^ great memories of here and Japan :)


I WAS SOOOOOOOOOOO TOUCHED!!! They actually bought me a gift!!! DAMNNNNN!!! I didn't expect it totally!!! Rob actually took the purse out then gave it to Chris and Chris was like "who is this from?" and I was thinking "oh damn must be Chris' bday passed or something and i didn't know" and Rob was like "me michelle and us..." and Chris was like "who's us and what is it for?"... then Rob was like "it's for Elaine!" hahahahahahahaha damn funny!!!! BUT I AM SO TOUCHEDD!! damn i will miss them sooooo much!!!!!

Over the past 3 years here, there were some ads i've seen that were damn hillarious. I really loved them!! Some ads were plain stupid, of course, but here's a few i really liked...

MOST OF THEM are for GEICO car insurance though, but damn! they're good!


I love this one!!!! THE BEST!



I really liked this ad!!! But you have to know like Verizon ads to get some of the jokes in this ad.. The guy who keeps saying "Can you hear me now?" is like the Verizon guy who goes around everywhere with his cellphone going "Can you hear me now? Good!" (to show that Verizon has coverage everywhere). I really liked the spoof of that!


MORE GEICO!








Anyway, there are more but i can't find a place that has them... But these are some.. enjoy :)

Poor rhythm 'at heart of dyslexia'
Tuesday, 23 July, 2002, 07:11 GMT 08:11 UK

A poor sense of rhythm could be to blame for dyslexia, scientists believe.
Researchers from University College London (UCL) found dyslexic children were less able to detect beats in sounds with a strong rhythm.

But children who read exceptionally well for their age were found to be much better than most at spotting rhythms.

The researchers concluded that an awareness of beats can influence the way young children assimilate speech patterns, which may in turn affect their reading and writing abilities.

Up to 100 children, 24 of whom were certified dyslexic, were tested as part of the UCL study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Winnie the Pooh

The children were played two types of tune - one with a rhythmical, pulsating beat and one without a distinctive beat.

The children were told the rhythmical sound was Tigger and Eeyore playing on a swing, while the continuous sound was Winnie the Pooh sliding down a spiral-shaped straw.

They were then played new sounds and had to decide if what they were hearing was Tigger and Eeyore on their swing or Winnie the Pooh on his slide.

The results clearly indicated dyslexic children had difficulty recognising the rhythmic sound.
Speech has a rhythmical beat linked to the points at which sounds are perceived, called "P-centres".



I guess THAT explains why i am a "spastic at rhythm" as my cousin had so aptly put it.

Air Marshals Shoot Miami Passenger

MIAMI, Dec. 8, 2005
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(AP) Shortly after boarding an Orlando-bound plane, passengers say, they saw a man bolt from his seat and run down the aisle, with his screaming wife and man in a Hawaiian shirt behind.

"My husband! My husband!" one passenger said she heard the wife cry.

The chase ended moments later Wednesday in a Miami International Airport jetway, when authorities say Rigoberto Alpizar appeared to reach for his bag. He was shot to death by the man in the Hawaiian shirt and a second pursuer, both undercover air marshals.

Before he ran off the plane he "uttered threatening words that included a sentence to the effect that he had a bomb," said James E. Bauer, agent in charge of the Federal Air Marshal Service field office in Miami.

No bomb was found, and federal officials later concluded there was no link to terrorism. Witnesses said his wife, Anne, frantically tried to explain he was bipolar, a mental illness also known as manic-depression, and was off his medication.

It was the first time since the Sept. 11 attacks that an air marshal discharged a firearm at a passenger or suspect, Homeland Security Department spokesman Brian Doyle said.

The Bush administration hired thousands of additional air marshals after Sept. 11, when the nation had only 33. The exact number now is classified. Marshals fly undercover, and which planes they're on is a closely guarded secret.

Officials declined to say how many times Alpizar was shot, but passengers reported hearing between four to six shots. Authorities did not confirm he suffered from a mental illness.

"The man sitting next to me got on the floor," said passenger Olga Echeverrie, of Guatemala. "I threw myself on the floor to pray for God's mercy on us."

Investigators closed the concourse at the airport for half an hour and spread passengers' bags on the tarmac. Dogs sniffed them for explosives, and bomb squad members blew up at least two bags. No bombs were found.

The remaining passengers were kept on the plane for an hour, then police told them to leave with their hands behind their backs, said Lucy Argote, 15, of Codazi, Colombia. They had to leave their possessions behind.



I hate to say this but totally agree with the action of the US Air Marshalls and I don't think that the shooting was wrong. This is probably the only 9/11 measure that i totally support.

I can't stand these American being like babies, criticizing the actions of the US Marshalls. They want safety yet they want everything to be perfect, as if by a snap of the fingers there won't be any more threats from anyone. If you want to be protected, there has to be a measure of sacrifice and certain precautionary levels have to be raised. Stop whining about it.

The shooting was totally justified because i think this shooting DOES send out a clear signal to any wannabe hijackers that the authorities mean business and they'll take you down my any means necessary. And the "greatest" part of it is that, this is really a out-of-the-blue incident and no one had any heads up about it. It happened on a completely random airline. This is definitely a good thing because those wannabe hijackers and terrorist really can't tell and can't be too sure anymore. There ARE indeed eyes and ears out there hunting you down.

This IS a good thing.

If the guy who was shot was an Arab, had some measley link to anything Palestinian, Muslim, Pakistan, etc. etc, the two US Marshalls who shot the man would NOT be suspended from work today, they would have been hailed as heroes.

Americans who are criticizing this should all just grow up and accept that the world we live in today is not the same as the golden days of yesteryears. If you want a the comforts of a blanket of security, there are certain things you have to accept and expect to give and to lose in the process.

You want and demand for something and claim your entitement to it yet you bend back on your own words and you're not willing to give away a little, you babies. Don't whine about it if another plane gets hijacked or anything like that, you asked for it. Seeing the blacklash to this incident is like seeing a little baby cry and whine about wanting i don't know, chocolate milk and then whining and crying abt it again when they don't like the chocolate milk, or if it doesn't taste like what they want or they see someone else having something better. For goodness sake, if the next time, God forbid anything should happen of course, but if anything do happen, you guys asked for it, you babies.

The stupidiest thing that can happen now is that a lawsuit is brought against the US Marshalls, and that the program gets cut. And if any of these two things happen in the near future because of this incident then... it just goes to reflect the stupidity of the American mentality. AND, knowing how moronic and idiotic this country can be at times, it WILL probably happen: I can see the headlines already, families suing the US Marshalls or the program getting cut.

Just you wait and see, the stupidity of humans.


I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it. I'd prefer you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to.

so there was this emokid who went and killed himself after posting a suicide note on Myspace.com bulletin board.. All very close to home considering that back in California, most of the friends i have and the "social group" i was in are Emo kids. So scene i tell ya, so scene.

So this dude had Senses Fail posted on his Myspace profile- also very close to home and i must say Senses Fail ain't exactly the most inspiring uplifting songs to listen to when one feels depressed. But then again, music should never be blamed.

So we have entered a new era in this information collective world of ours where the online community feels more real than the real one. And friend 6000 miles away seems closer to us on the MSN list/Myspace list/Friendster page and what have you not than the people we meet each day.

I guess maybe that reality is not too real yet in Malaysia, but it certainly is in America and i can tell you that for sure. It's always great hanging out with Luis because aside from being Latino, he is purely as they say, as american as you can get. Armed with T-Mobile Sidekicks that allows 24/7 IMing friends, Myspace junkies, you name it, it's there. It's great to observe their lives because you get a first hand perspective into the american youth culture.

So that said, this emokid who killed himself.... Well, suicide is not painless. While i do feel bad for the guy, sympathetic, i'm not too sure. I'm sympathetic in the sense that i can understand all these feeling of isolation and loneliness one can feel when you're a teenager. But to kill yourself and to post a suicide note on Myspace? Hmm... And this is not a first too. There was the other guy (also from California geez) who posted messages on forums before going out to shoot his neighbors and himself.

I don't know... I understand the feeling because i have felt it before. And i understand even the feeling of wanting to kill yourself-- only to gain the attention. But really, I say it's all self pity BS. Those are the only two words that come to my head: self pitying bullshit (that will one day blow over) and MYOPIA. It's not that i am belitting their feelings, I'm just saying man.... "sit back and relax don't worry," The world is not a small little island, and there are alot more people out there who care for you than just simple one girl or guy who don't return your affection. If someone you love don't love you back then just say "fuck them"... You're better off anyway. It's not like you're gonna gain their love by killing yourself, even if you do gain their love by doing that, what's the point?! You'd be dead anyway to receive any of those affection and it's not like you're even gonna know if it worked or not cause dude man, YOU'RE DEAD. and that's permanent.

So neways, seems like my life is a constant strive towards that phrase "fuck you"-- to all the people i liked who never liked me back...

but meanwhile, nigel is still a lil too sweet for me to say that to him. shite. poor thing he swamped wid so much work *sigh* *hugs* damn i wish i could hug u. shite.


Ouh btw, there was this paragraph in the news story written about the emokid's suicide that i really liked cause i thought it was really really well phrased and i think it's captures the essense of american youths very well...

Kids type quicker than they think. They bleed words, don't contrive them, and, even if I disdain Net-speak, I have the luxury of never needing to type so frantically....With his suicide announced on an Internet bulletin, his life remembered in a series of hastily typed prose that comes in blurbs and missives, and his loved ones handling their grieving through instant messages and blogs, will forever words be left on his Web page rather than coins or roses on his grave? We'll have to visit every Nov. 29.

SEEEEEEEEEEERIOUSLY.

I don't know a single girl who's EVER actually RATIONAL. when it comes to feelings anyway. We're all frigging IRRATIONAL! I don't know anyone, not even Ching Mun who has her bouts of irrationality sometimes.

GIRLS! I CANNOT STAND IT! I can't stand that we're soooooooooooooo stupid and damn irrational sometimes. SO FUCKING EMOTIONAL! I mean for goodness sake!! Stop hinting (THE GUY WON'T GET IT!!! JUST SAY IT!!!), STOPPPPPPPPPPPPP OVERANALYZING!!!!! (HE JUST MEANS WHAT HE MEANT! YES MEANS YES NO MEANS NO. AN APPLE IS AN APPLE IS AN APPLE. AN ORANGE IS AND ORANGE IS AN ORANGE) Stop fantasizing, stop dreaming!!! STOP ASSUMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for goodness sake!!! sometimes it's REALLY stupid!!!

and sometimes.......................................... ALL OF THE TIME!!

I mean, sometimes, when i look at myself, or ELAINE, or Melissa, or Ching Mun or Aida, or any other girl and what we do and how we feel or what we're thinking and trying to figure out the guy, it really makes me go WTF?!!!!!!!

Seriously. I mean i didn't just come to this realization through just me. It's just that lately it's not just that i've been having a whole overload of Nigel shit that cause me to be SUPER high on cloud nine one day THEN in seventh level hell the next day over something SMALL but also from EVERYONE, wait lemme repeat that, EVERY GIRL i've been talking to who just simply exhibit these IRRATIONALITIES!

EXAMPLES! :-

I was in the train today, feeling like SHIT because of Nigel again and then i realize, it was fucking IRRATIONAL! I was upset/depressed/sad over one stupid little thing like how he didn't reply my message on MSN! That's just FUCKING STUPID! SERIOUSLY! i should be WHACKED IN THE HEAD FOR IT!

BUT don't you roll your eyes at me because pull yourself back and look at yourself, and you dare look me in the eye and tell me you have NEVER irrationally ASSUMED shit about some guy you liked.

And then i think about Elaine Teh, everyday with her Kimchi, FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!! STOP OVERANALYZING to DEATH every single action, word, BREATH he made!!! i TOTALLY mean every SINGLE LITTLE BIT AND PIECES and MINUTE DETAIL. Right down to him looking up the word "insult" on the dictionary she thinks it has something to do with her. I mean....... WTF?!!!!!!

Then there's Melissa. Melissa, Melissa my dear, JUST ASK. If the relationship is not going right. if you WANT THE DUDE TO ASK IF HE'D HANG OUT WITH YOU, just ASK IT. for goodness sake!! What's with all these "so, whatcha doing now." "oh nothing.". "whatcha gonna do tonight." "watch tv." "so gonna just watch tv?" "yeah." "bored?" "yeah, totally." "oh what time u gonna go to the airport?" "11". "Another two hours huh?" "yeah". "So you're gonna just watch tv till then?" "yeah"............ I MEAN!!!!!!!!!!! WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and NO Melissa, when he said "nothing" he WAS NOT hinting that he wanted you to ask him out. NOTHING JUST MEANS NOTHING!!!

Sometimes A just means A and B just means B and C just means B. A doesn't mean B, or C or hellz! an unknown D for that matter knowing us girls! But if you think about it, girls are like that!! No wonder guys can't understand us! for goodness sake, do you even understand yourself???

It's so stupid!

I was thinking abt nigel the other day (DUH), and i came to the revelation that he is not weird. It's just that he's BASICALLY a very simple creature and it's people who are complicated and that's why we think he's weird.

SAME GOES FOR GIRLS! GIRL, if you think that the guy is complicated and you can't understand them..... it's cause YOU'RE the one who is complicating things that YOU make it hard to understand!!!

please!


So go do what you like
Make sure you do it wise
You may find out that your self doubt means nothing was ever there
You can't go forcing something if it's just not right

"And they think that u r so lucky to have a overseas education...now i can't even speak cantonese properly and am learning Mandarin from a 'Hanyu Pinyin' Book due to my lovely girlfriend whose grandmother i cannot even speak to. admittedly, my cantonese has improved but i'm always so embarrassed when i go out with Mint and her friends."

-Looi Kok Mun-

well said, both so very well said... Kind of a shite Chinese huh!

I can still remember Ching Mun sayin to me: "Please lah elaine, just speak in English, cannot understand what you're saying when you speak in Chinese lah!"

There's this blog i was reading just now, KENG! blog post in ROMANIZED chinese! I think that is like KICK ASS! because man, i think that's so hard! Ching Mun's right about my chinese cause i really don't know the CORRECT sound to certain words, you know... When it's suppose to be like "g" i'd say it with a "k" or a "b" i'll say it with a "p"...

Hmmm kinda makes me know why now JAPANESE also don't have the sounds... like in Japanese scripts the pairs "t"/"d" and "h"/"b"/"p" and "k"/"g" use the same character wid the difference of the symbol ["] to differentiate between the two.

Neways... yeah... shite kind of chinese, huh? I've been mixing with alot of chinese ppl lately (i stay in a house full of them) and i also noticed that the Chinese here in Boston are all like those authentically chinese. As in, Chinese immigrants. In California, they're usually all Chinese Americans... meaning, American, basically ;)

Well and i was thinking, i REALLY should go learn chinese, actually! It'd be good! Kinda sad i can't speak Chinese properly. PLUS, can't even READ or WRITE it, you know!!! da heck! Would be great if i could... then i could be billingual in a USEFUL language FINALLY! Plus, easier to pick up japanese too after that... in fact don't even need to anymore ^^.

Banana janai, kind of a shite chinese da yo!

Been thinking about:

the houses in Malibu

inspired by The Used

What seperates...

the rich and the poor?

the bands from the fans?

the people sitting on bleechers and the people walkin on red carpets?

the chauffer and the chauffeured in the stretch limousine?

the houses along Malibu beach and the houses in San Fernando (which btw,
still, is not cheap)?

is it:

talent?

opportunity?

hard work?

plain luck or fate?

watching the house go by as we drove down the Pacific Coast Highway, the ocean breeze and the million(s) dollar houses that lined the coast and mountains side by side, I'm begining to think that it's not really up to talent, opportunity or hard work and even vision-- but all the more to do with plain luck and fate.

i think about my brother and what dreams he had may come- and i think about the house in Malibu that foggy night and the stars that flood my TV/Computer screen- i'm thinking that if we were really meant to be something, someone, we would have been by now.

I'm sitting listening to The Used All That I've Got, live in Soma. It's a really inspiring track because i know friends who are The Used crazy and was probably in that mosh pit at Soma during this recording-

and i can't help but imagine Bert up there on stage singing to this crowd and i can't help but think of those who have made it "big"-- The Used, Nate... and i wonder about them-

and i think it's fate, all part of our meng sui (??)

and sometimes when you're fated for it, it's hard to ever stray from a path that was meant for you.

and then there are those who were never meant for it, who try their hardest and still can never make it there because it was never meant to be theirs...

i asked my friend yesterday as we drove past Malibu, what does it take to own one of these homes along the beach? (or perch up on the clifss, whichever you prefer: the rising oceantides to erode your house or bush fires to consume it on the hills)

It takes money, yes...

But shite, it takes way more than that!

In a way those born rich will always be richer- for there isn't a need to even struggle- think Paris Hilton :P or even wha- Jessica Simpson- whatever.

Thinking about them, thinking about people residing in these homes and the outrageously gigantic ones in Bel Air or Sunset or Beverly Hills, i've come to belive that it takes more than just money, man. It takes fate or destiny- something that we have entire no control over.

And in the end, as much as i do love the overcast skies across Malibu and it's perpetual beautiful gloom- a part of me- actually, almost everything in me knows that it is not my destiny--

I can only pray that those whom i know who have been blest with the capacity to pursue such dreams have that magic ingredient to make it, called destiny- a fate to become that i believe we can only become if we were meant for it to be.

So this is my depression for the day- Hollywood kills you. Living in the proximity of Hollywood also kills you- Beware: the shadows of them 9 letters perched up on that hill reachers far beyond the boundaries of Hollywood/Highland.

Neways.... here are the pictures that haunt me... driving down the PCH at night from Santa Monica to Malibu and back... the fog, the cold, the overcast sky. There's a serenity to Malibu that i like... it's not the "Hollywood" image of it... i don't see no palm trees there (nor much of the sun for that matter!)... But it's the empty beaches at night, the soft waves, and the unassuming beachfront houses that look more like empty shacks that lines the PCH, the overcast grey skies in the evening time shrouding everything in a perpetual gloom... there's a sort of serenity to those time that made me like Malibu...

and of course, it never hurts to drive 6 miles down to Santa Monica Pier at night either and the ferris wheel and old worn out carnival games and rides and neon lights there....

it's all very, very beautiful... in it's own placid way that i like...

Malibu beach at night- PCH lights- Santa Monica beach

carnival at the pier

I said i'd blog abt X-Files right??? So here you go, all 1 1/2 weeks feelings of X-Files madness.

To sum it all up: in the words of David Duchovny himself when asked the question if he could spill any details about the finale?... he said, "You know, I had trouble understanding most of it, so I�m not sure how much I can help.,"

bravo. even the actors themselves had NO IDEA what the hell was going on.

go fugure! When david duchovny left X-Files in Season 8, he didn't even know what the heck was going on with the whole plot on the mulder/scully baby thingy. In fact no one knew! Not David Duchovny, not even Gillian Anderson! Well, that doesn't matter anyway, since scully in the end so freely and seemingly without much burden really, just gave up the baby for adoption 3 episodes before the end. HELLZ.

You know i was watching the Making Of the Finale episode... the Real Real Finale, that is, and it was all these great feeling of family, bond and pride in NINE years of HARD WORK, it's no joke you know. And you see how the director Kim Manners DID put in tremendous amount of work and then the little minute details that came in post production, and all the farewells and goodbyes among the cast and crew.... you know seeing all that, it made the ending and even BIGGER dissapointment, you know. I mean, i may be obsessed with X-Files right now, but it's not an overstatement if i said that X-Files was a legendary series that marked our 90s generation. The whole thing with the X, and how the truth is out there, trust no one, and I want to believe stuff... You know, this series was the star trek of our time...

And not just that, you know, when it came to cinematic TELEVISION drama, X-Files was the one show that revolutionize the whole "stylish" look and directing for Television series. It really did you know. As much as i don't quite like to watch seasons 3-4, it was the earlier seasons that really revolutionize cinematic television. Hellz, besides the whole sexual tension between Mulder and Scully and the once in a while fun X-Files episode, i think the only other thing that held my brother's interest to the series was the whole directing and cinematography of the series. How those damn people manage to shoot scenes in absolute darkness!!! heh.

Ok now ON TO the whole Mulder and Scully thing which was really the only thing that kept me watching for SIX loooooooooooooong years through all the Alien conspiracy crap that NO ONE, not the fans, not the audience, not the actors and not even the WRITERS themselves knew what "The Truth" was.

So anyways, Mulder and Scully. YES, consumation of a platonic friendship not only ruins the friendship but also well, TV ratings and heaven forbid that should ever happen.

Lemme sum that up with the one brilliant line that Mulder says immediately after Mulder and Scully FINALLY and i do mean FINALLY, no ifs, not buts, no bees, no dream, no fantasy, no kiss on the forehead either that's bullshit, but FINALLY REALLY KISS on the LIP, albiet with quite a lack of passion, damn.... Well, the whole damn thing can be summarized by his line, "The world didn't end, Scully."

EXACTLY CHRIS CARTER!!!!!!!!!!! the world WOULD NOT have ended if you just have let them kiss, oh please!, back in season 5 or even the movie. I mean, ratings??? Dude i think IF they had been closer... i mean a kiss won't END THE WORLD you know, it's not like they've fucked, it's just a kiss man! And there were MANY MANY MANY moments in the series that would have made a kiss on the lips OKAY in the situation... such as like in Amor Fati where mulder practically gets his brains sucked out and he's been through brain surgery for goodness sake! And scully is there and they're saying lines like "at the end of that life my world was upside down, but one thing remained constant in my life: you, Scully. You were my touchstone" and duh she says "As you are mine," EVEN after ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL those lines, and i REALLY thought that a kiss at this moment was wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy more appropriate, would have brought their friendship closer yet not ruining the tension because the moment warranted it, than if they had kissed in the Mellennium episode or even that near kiss in the hallway in the movie. THIS moment in Amor Fati would have been the best.

On that note, apparently, DAMN THE EDITORS, Mulder and Scully DID kiss, WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY back in Season 4 in Momento Mori.

Apparently it was NOT scripted but Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny decided i guess, between themselves, to take a try at it.... WELL IT GOT TAKEN OUT.

Well... maybe then it would have been too early, i might agree... And ALTHOUGH like in Amor Fati, that moment in Momento Mori actually did have the weight that warranted a kiss, I think the way they did kiss though, was too casual, you know, and if this was their FIRST kiss and DAMN LOT OF FANS were waiting for that moment, i must say that the moment had lacked an Impact. And thus, i guess... in a way, it was okay that it was edited out.... Budden again.... I would say that if they were going to edit out the kiss in Momento Mori, they should have made them kiss in Amor Fati.... because i think that would have progressed the story and the characters more....

BECAUSE APPARENTLY, they decided to totally NOT change the manner of their relationship after the Mellenium episode where they kissed... So it's like, well it really never happened.... on that note i am asking then... WHY THE HELL THEN WAIT SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO long for them to KISS, when in the end ur not gonna utilize it to propel your characters into a different dynamic?! So u might as well made them kiss in earlier or in the movie or whereever because by the looks of it, it changed NOTHING anyway!

Frustration watching X-Files. heh. Volumes of books can be written on that topic! I mean, i'm not all for this whole Mulder and Scully fucking in the bushes hehe, thingy either, actually. Because i DO like the sexual tension between them and there can be tension only when there's no consumation.

But i just don't like the way how dodgy X-Files is with the MOST IMPORTANT ELEMENTS of the series, they just FUCK UP and i mean FUCK UP BIG TIME. i am not talking just the mulder/scully relationship, but also about the whole meaning of The Truth, and ALSO very importantly Mulder's sister Samantha's abduction. I just hate those three CORE and CRUST of X-Files was just basically disposed off simply.

Call me a ranting fan. But it's just sad to see how such hallmark piece of TV series can be fucked up into this unrecognizable, totally ORDINARY and in fact completely MEANINGLESS, end.

I mean, Chris Carter can by all rights stick to his ambiguity with the X-Files if he wanted to for the ending and the conclusion, the closure of these issues, but you know, the ending and conclusion that he gave to the truth, to samantha's abduction, and to mulder/scully's relationship, is NOT ambiguious, but downright DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! It doesn't make sense not only in the sense that well, it doesn't make sense, it doesn't make sense in the way that the ending simply took all these INCREDIBLY INCREDIBLY HUGE myths that it has built up for 9 years in the whole series and then roll it all up into a ball and basically just tossed it away with the simplest, simplest and totally NOT ENCOMPASSING end.

To tell me that Samantha was indeed abducted by aliens who really was not aliens but a government consipracy thingy, SURE i accept that, EVERYTHING in the past 7 years points to that.... THEN, THEN, to end this INCREDIBLY significant plot because THIS IS Mulder's cursade, at least this is what got him started, but to put the end ot this incredibly significant plot, what does the writer tells us? "ouh yeah, she gets abducted by aliens and experiments were done to her and all that and she lived longer but u know what??? She was such a lovely child with such a pure pure heart, so she got REKIDNAPPEd what the hell, by these benovelant beings called Walk-ins, so that she may never live to suffer a painful death and forever live on as starlight"

ONE PHRASE: FUCK THAT SHIT! THAT IS NOT A FUCKING ENDING MAN! fuckers fuckers fuckers.

And don't even get me started on how the hell they capped off the whole "Truth" thing. I can't even understand, except to say that duh, the alien invasion begins on 22 December 2012, duh, even I knew this! since form 4 when i learnt about the Mayan calendar an all! geez! And well there's no way of changing this... And don't even get me started on the whole conversation Mulder and Scully has in the motel room at the VERY LAST scene. GEEZ. WTF? U know, in ESSENCE, it is ESSENTIALLY THE SAME as the conversation they had in the movie's last mulder/scully scene, it's ESSENTIALLY THE SAME as the coversation they had in Amor Fati.... DUDE! geezzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!


You know... and ok... I guess I HAVE To bitch about how the Mulder/Scully thing was handled....Like i said, the problem i had with the kiss was that they made it NOT change anything with them AT ALL. and I thought that was a TOTAL waste. If they were gonna kiss and not change, and i am not asking them to be lovers right after that, but if there was absolutely going to be NO EFFECT, i say might as well have made them just do that and get it over with. But the seccond problem i have with that is that this kiss right, doesn't change their relationship at all for like 1 1/2 seasons. Doesn't change their relationship after that episode (which was episode 4 of season 7) EVEN WHEN Mulder gets abducted in Episode 22 of that season, doesnt' change anything in the "all things" gillian anderson episode where they MIGHT have actually slept with each other (hmmm maybe THAT'S how mulder might be the father of scully's baby, barreness and alien abduction tests aside) , does change even AFTER mulder comes back from the dead, doesn't change EVEN AFTER we find out that mulder might be the father of the baby...

BUDDEN SUDDENLY... Last ep of season 8, after Scully gives birth to her miricle child whose father MIGHT be Mulder, but like all things in X-Files, we're not really sure.. BUT SUDDENLY out of NOWHERE, Mulder grabs scully and kisses her and MY MY, this time WITH PASSION!

and i am left wondering... Where the F did THAT come from?! Suddenly i felt that u know, if duchovny and anderson had actually played DOWN the kiss and made it more sweet than passionate, THEN it would have made fucking sense for them to be fucking KISSING like that!

Seriously. It's like the whole kiss in Millenium didn't matter at all, nothing changed, they were still.... best friends and partners professionally... Not even when mulder comes back from the dead, not even when mulder and scully are together and she is very much pregnant and they're in the hospital together for her care, not even when scully keep saying "our baby", not ANY of those scenes or episode even REMOTELY suggests ONE BIT that scully and mulder were still ANYTHING beyond being best friends and partners...........

and suddenly they fucking kiss PASSIONATELY. the fuck lah the fuck. i know we all wanted that for the past 8 years, but dudes, creator of the X-Files, u guys are the master at timing, you guys are the master at crafting BRILLIANT moments between scully and mulder... BUT YET, EVERYTIME when it came to the very crucial moments, you fuck it up completely. Well not completely but still pretty much fucked up.

Timing man, Timing! It was good timing but really.... u need to lead up into shit like that... People just don't suddenly "BAM!" and they fucking kiss like that. NOT AFTER EIGHT FUCKING YEARS man no!

and let's not even get me started on the baby thing. Like EVERYTHING else CRUCIAL in the X-Files, this was also fucked up. Here you have SCULLY, who has been trying since season 4 to have this BABY. And she finally DOES. and not just that, it's a baby whose father is her BELOVED and most importantly, now MISSING partner/lover/whatever... And to cap it all off, what does the writers do with this PRECIOUS LITTLE MIRACLE that Scully has been dying to have and have been DESPERATELY trying to protect for the 2 season she has had him? They fucking write him to PUT HIM UP FOR ADOPTION. Yes, adoption is a good thing in this world but C'MON!!!!!!!!!


Well all that being said, it's just sad the series went on after season 7. Reading interview archives, it seemed that Gillian Anderson was ready to quit and David Duchovny was already done and over with X-Files... But I guess Chris Carter had his ways, and Anderson was caught back for not one but TWO seasons for the simple reason that Fox network has been paying her wayyy less than David Duchovny and the only way she can get paid the amount she wanted was to sign a two season contract....

I guess, u know, it's their life and i don't have the rights to say anything about Gillian Anderson for staying on, or David Duchovny for leaving... or shall i say taking the first flight out of this set! at the first chance of the ending of his original contract... You know, when i frist read about Duchovny leaving the series and REFUSED totally, at first, to even step foot in the show again, i thought that it was because of this that the series probably ended up the way it did.... MESSED UP, to say the VERY VERY VERY VERY least. But you know, the more i watch the episodes, and going through season 7, i feel that when Duchovny and Anderson wanted to leave at season 7, they were dead on! They REALLY REALLY should have just dropped X-Files like a bombshell and and by doing so, SAVE it.

But Chris Carter, albiet as brilliant as he was and well, still is.... I feel that, if Anderson and Duchovny was ready to bail out to finish, it should have been that way... I feel that Chris Carter should have just let it be and ended the series in season 7 while the story was still amazing than to have prolonged it's life till the bitter, and dude it was fucking bitter, end.

Because really, the brilliance, I felt, would have come, if they had not tried to drag this series longer than it should have been and ended it right there and then, in Season 7, while the star still shone and the sun still bright, and dude, when fans who really gave a damn abt the series still thought that the series was brilliant and wasn�t crap. Cause really, you know, I stopped watching, but A LOT of fans continued, but you know, those most critical of the series, a lot of them kept watching, but a lot of them also saw how not really real X-Files the series became�

Ok to give the cast and crews of Season 8 and 9 a benefit of all their talent, brilliance and hardwork, Season 8 and 9 was NOT crap at all in the sense that when it came to the new characters, they played it REALLY well and wrote it really well. But EVERYTIME whenever they TRIED to make even the simplest connection and continuity into the previous seasons, into anything that is remotely related to Mulder��. It really FELL FLAT.

It just didn�t make sense! It just didn�t make sense when they TRIED to make the connection, when they try to make AS IF, season 8-9 were part of seasons 1-7, when essentially, it is NOT. I�m sorry but if a series is made up of 2 people that has been the backbone and strength and in fact, the WHOLE series to begin with, it�s just not gonna work if you take one away and then the other one just hang around! I mean kudos! to Gillian Anderson who managed to carry the series on, but REALLY, she was also absent in quite many of the episodes!


After all, you know... Season 6 was a brilliant BRILLIANT run, Season 7, with amazing episodes like The Sixth Extinction episodes, or the half-baked but well at least they wrote a "closure" to Samantha Mulder in Closure (ouh man, btw, the "i am free" shit by Mulder at the end of the episode did NOT fly with me), and the brilliant episodes of All Things, Hollywood AD, and even the simple ending in Je Souhaite, would have been enough for me�

I don�t even mind if they capped it off with Mulder and Scully kissing with baby William between them in the end of the 8th Season as the ENDING FINALE of the series� I don�t even mind that cause damn, it was happy! At least we have THAT!

I just feel so.... Cheated, not cheated, i don't want to take this personally or selfishly, but in the lights of X-Files as a whole... I felt that if it had ended in season 7, that would have been the best because everything, from the writing, to the acting, to the chemistry, to the characters, the directing down to the tone and weight of everything in season 7 was just great. I love love love loved Season 6 and i would have called that season the pinnacle of X-Files storytelling brilliance... But Seaon 7 carried in it a maturity, you know, a maturity that came with 7 long years of being together offscreen as well as onscreen that just translated itself so very well into the stories, the pace, the voices and the weight and dynamics of every episode in this season to make it whole. Everything was consistent. There was no ultimate finale that the whole season gave, but what it had, that i feel no other season had, not even season six or five, was that every episode in this season played together as a whole to give the entire season and equilibrum.

If X-Files had ended here in this space and character as in the personality the whole season itself in season 7, in my opinion, albeit a little premature, but it would have been SUFFICIENT and BRILLIANT while still actually being FAITHFUL to it�s original premise (and not make the fans feel like they�ve been cheated the hell out of) if they had ended it in Season 7.

The whole THREE part episode of Biogenesis, The Sixth Extinction, Amor Fati, would have been able to cap off and explained while not explaining much of The Truth- still make people feel incomplete to draw their own conclusions.

But even if the had ended the three parter with how they ended it with that scene with Mulder and Scully where I said, warranted for a kiss, and even if they DID let them kiss there� I think that would have been brilliant.
And then they can still keep that whole crap closure they came up with for the Samantha storyline-

And then u know, the whole Mulder/Scully relationship thing, I would have been satisfied with them kissing at Amor Fati, and then never see it again and have everything the same as it is now in the rest of the episodes in season 7. Because I think it�s very well written. The way mulder and scully interacts and their playful conversation in Hollywood AD, with them walking out hand in hand nevertheless. And then the whole thing with �All Thing� where we don�t know if Mulder and Scully really slept together or not, but that�s just brilliantly VERY typical of X-Files so it�s good cause it�s left up to the interpretation of the fans� But the most important thing in that episode that would have just been statisfying and very appropriate to illustrate their relationship here now so near at the end of the series is that, yeah, the choices that they made in life had brought them here together and perhaps this was meant to be.
And after the whole weight of All Things and the kiss (which I wish would have been in Amor Fati) and all that 7 years of being together, it would have actually been a satisfying yet very open ended closure to the whole mulder/scully relationship in the last scene of Mulder/Scully in Je Souhaite- because u see them comfortableness between the both of them, the famillairity, the difference, the playfulness, and the closeness, all wrapped up in a simple conversation over a movie, popcorn and a drink.

And then Chris Carter could have done whatever the hell he wanted for the last last last episode�he could have deepen the mystery even more, make the cigarette smoking man do some shit, etc�. anything you know� anything he wanted with the last episode, make the conspiracy bigger, make mulder and scully take another wild goose chase to find that they can�t stop the alien invasion in the end anyway, man Chris Carter could have even ended the series HERE as he did in Season 9 with mulder and scully lying in a motel room with the world against them and all they have is each other�s blind faith to hold onto�. THAT could have been a great ending! Two people fighting against the inevitable, with only each other�s blind faith to keep them fighting on, now wouldn�t that be a great tragedy in itself??? I�m sure you would have loved that Chris! Geez. Elaine�s alternate endings, I wish I had those in my bonus DVD feature! Hellz.

Season 8 and then season 9 just TOTALLY knocked it out of whack! to begin with, dude, Mulder's gone man! Carter should have just ended it, and then started it off with a different X-Files with new characters if he had wanted to continue with it. You just don't go and fuck something brilliant up within two episodes man, you just don't fucking do shit like that. To destroy something so beautiful and then now start try to build something new while trying very very hard and being unsuccessful in tying this WHOLE new shit, with the old.

Cause you know, when something has reached it's utmost best that it can be, there's just no way to stretch it futher without breaking it.

I'm not saying that Season 8 and 9 was not brilliant in its own ways. It was, it was. But Carter should have just let Mulder die. He should have just burried Scully along with him.

But he didn't.

And i think it's that feeling of "it's such a waste" that they were so increadibly amazing at the end of Season 7, as its best that would have been a good end to a legendary series, could be fucked up within a single episode and made into this....

I don't know what to say. But that, while season 8 and 9 were great seasons for the new characters, it was just an incredibly sad sad sad sad sad way and cruel at times, to crush the brilliance of ALL and i mean ALL that the previous 7 episodes had worked so hard to achieve and HAD ACHIEVED.

It's like, it's just not something you do to a series that is so brilliant, that could have had an amazing and heart chewing ending, but it was all shreds to bits, torn down, burnt and betrayed, and made shit, you know... i just feel so sad.

Carter really should have terminated the X-Files there in season 7. And started off with a new one in season 8 and 9 and wherever beyond... but i guess... money still speaks louder than the instinct of storytelling.


You know, there�s this quote from TS Eliot that the X-Files keeps messing up� (david duchovny should have recognized it, since he DOES have a masters in English Literature) Mulder said it and even the director Kim Manners said it during the Making Of the last episode documentary� They said �this is how it ends, not with a whimper but with a bang,�

And that�s what made this claw towards the end of X-Files not quite hit the X mark, was that the creators tried too damn hard to end with a bang they think would be befitting for the career of such a brilliant series, not realizing that it is this pursuit for that bang that really blew it all to pieces�

For afterall, the TS Eliot line actually went:

�This is how the world ends, this is how the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.�


All that being said�. And if you have REALLY READ this Far, KUDOS to you because I probably should have stopped ranting PAGES ago!

What shall I take away from X-Files? What can I take away from the episodes to well, cover up this� this void and disappointment and frustration and denial I feel towards what X-Files had became?

I guess, like everything in X-Files, it�s all up to the viewer�s interpretation. And I guess, it�s up to me to choose for my own, where I really want X-Files to end.

I like the whole mulder and scully FINALLY getting it on, but that would require me to watch seasons 8 and the last episode of season 9 and actually believe that these characters are CONSISTENT and therefore the ACTUAL Mulder and Scully. And most of all, that would require me to believe and to accept that Season 8 and 9 are part of and the continuing of the X-Files and builds on the previous seaons.

But that is bullshit.

Even from the mouth of David Duchovny when he returned for that 6 episodes in season 8, he said it did not feel like the X-Files anymore� and really, it is not.

The Real X-Files ended the moment that Fade Out: was played in season 7. That was when X-Files ended.

And therefore, I go on, watching classic wonderfully made and brilliantly written and executed episodes like How the Ghost Stole Christmas, Bad Blood, The Unnatural, Hollywood AD, Field Trip, Detour, Post-Modern Prometheus, Folie A Deux, All Things, Dreamland I and II, Triangle� and all these classic and brilliantly written, made and executed episodes, because to me, these episodes are the X-Files, these episodes are the testimony and you know, they are the concrete proof of how amazing brilliant X-Files can be and is and have achieved.

And to me, these are the endings that I choose for the X-Files series because in these episodes� end, although it was but a whimper compared to the grandure of the mytharc episodes that had indeed been blown out of proportion, with these, these simplistic, wonderfully crafted, brilliantly made episodes, X-Files ends with the brilliance that outshines even the that when it first began.

To end not with a bang, but a whimper.

I�ll end with a very very great idea of USAToday to conduct an interview of David Duchovny not by a journalist, but by Gillian Anderson herself� and in her question and his answer shall be my final thoughts on the X-Files (for now ler for now ;))

Anderson: Any thoughts on the end of the show?
Duchovny: We'll do another movie, at least, so I don't think it'll actually end. There'll be an ending image, but by the sheer fact that it's a self-conscious ending image, I think it'll be overloaded and won't work. My favorite image of the show's seven years is the end of the black-and-white episode, where they had us slow-motion dancing. However it ends, to me, that's my favorite.

And you know what, that�s very hard to argue, but in many ways, that�s one of my favourite too�

That and of course, Mulder�s confession �Scully� I love you,� and Scully rolling her eyes and walking away muffles out, �oh brother!� in Triangle.

Brilliant.

And that, Chris Charter, was a great ending. Inconclusive, just the way you want it, brilliant, just the way you would expect your series to end, but yet poignant, right to the core of it, with impact and an umph! Except, that wasn�t exactly delievered at the actual end of the series.

The sheer fact that it�s a self-conscious ending image, I think it�ll be overloaded, DEFINITELY, and won�t work�and it most certainly, didn�t.

How the Ghost Stole Christmas, The Unnatural, Hollywood AD, Field Trip, Folie A Deux, All Things, Dreamland II, Triangle, and yes David Duchovny�s choice of Post-Modern Prometheus, any day I�ll choose as my X-Files ending over the rather� just-not-10/10� episode finale �The Truth�.


ahhh then again, i am naive. Money has its ways in showbiz, more than one, more than one... and as much as we think that everything is pure, money has its dirty little hands sticking around everywhere.

Nothing is showbiz, is entirely, well, pure....

I learnt that from Hollywood AD episode ;)

wuahahaha.