Sometimes I feel that tunnel vision has, in fact, kept me from actually going further, going to more places, and doing even better and more wonderful things I am capable of doing.
I guess that letter I wrote the other day really did define quite accurately what I feel I have done to my life. Even if it was entirely written in Japanese, it was quite accurate actually...
この暗さの中で、よく考えている。もしかしたらほかの生き方があったかもしれません。この世界はたくさん色々な事ができます。そしてこの人生はたいへん大切な物で、この世界はもっと大切なするべき事があります。神様は私にこの人生をくれたということは、ぜったい私はより大切なしているべき事があるとおもんです。
でも、私はぜんぶその選択をしませんでした。よりいい仕事ができたかもしれませんが、私は英語の先生になる事を選びました。
それはライブがたいへん好きですから。
不確かな夢でも、日本へ行きたいんです。
今もたくさん他の事をできますが、私は日本に行きたい。ライブに行きたいですから。LIVEに日本に行きたい事のために、一生のプランは立てられます。それは私のバカな夢だよね。
When I met Aki-san and we were both talking about our lives, we were wondering, did we get it wrong?
Sometimes I feel I have got it all wrong.
My dad has always said that to me, that my brother and I are always so blind and so stubborn. We want one thing and we just want that one thing alone and we can't see everything else that's even better, perhaps, and in the end, we find ourselves unhappy, not using our full potential--
I KNOW my brother and I can be so much more. Hell, I know I can be so, so, so much more-- I really could have come home and pursued Journalism or even PR, and I know I would have been damn good at it. I know by now I would have published tons of news articles my mom can tell her friends about, and hell, who knows, I am sure by now I would have even been an editor or a writer in some great music magazine. Or, if I had done PR, I am damn well sure I could have done it amazingly. I know I would be making damn alot of money now too, and probably could secure a job in Singapore or whatever.
But I have singlemindedly stuck to a course in life that I HOPE and I PRAY would get me to Japan. Not even know why I want to go there! I have singlemindedly pursue this path. Thrown myself into ESL (English as Second Language) teaching where being Malaysian in itself, I am already put BELOW par as a non-native speaker of English.
It's like, I could have conquered a mountain by now. With all the advantages of the education my father has given me and my Heavenly Father has blest me with, with the advantage I already have, I could have just been plopped close to the top of the mountain and only needed to try a little harder and I'd be on top. IF I had pursued Journalism or PR.
BUT NO!!! I want to be a damn ESL teacher, which by the default of my BIRTH and my SKIN COLOR, I have cursed myself to the mire at the BOTTOM of a frigging mud hill I have to slough my way up that damn hill.
THAT is EXACTLY how I feel everyday, you know?
The impossiblity of the struggle. The stupidity of my choice. The unfairness of life. The regret of not being something I know I would have been queen. Yet still, I am so obdurate with the choice I have chosen, the path I have taken, the believe I have embraced.
Why?
Simply because I thought I saw a dream.
And because of that, I just couldn't see anything else, or some other way, actually, that could even get me there more easily.
Elaine (Teh), when you were back and we were driving to Suet Nee's house and you told me that you admire what I was doing, because of my dedecation to my "dream"... That back in Boston and till now, I am still pursuing the SAME path I had chosen back then three years ago.
It was the first time I had EVER seen what I am doing as something admirable. Because I had NEVER felt that way. I never felt that this tunnel vision could be seen a dedication.
I don't know if I'm right.
I don't know if you're right.
But I really want to believe in your belief.
I really want to see the realization of my dream--
Because I want to believe in my dream.
I want to believe in my belief that if you believe in the possibilities in life and you try hard enough for it, you too can achieve it.
I want to believe in that.
I want my belief to be true.
For it to be true, for what I believe in to be proved right, my dream has to come true.
Otherwise, I guess, I am just the biggest fool.
0 comments:
Post a Comment