yesterday was a perfect southern california day... minus the wind of course. but it was beautiful. i guess the one regret i'd have of america is that i never saw much of the great west except that trip to Utah that i took with Michelle and going to Denver to see Robbie.
I feel lost these days. i don't know if this is called a sprial downwards but i just feel down. it's not about anything. i guess i shouldn't feel down after having gone to japan but i feel like i have no control over any part of my life. not my future, not my present, not my destiny, not what i know or can know and not even tomorrow's classes and tests and exams.
it's like i feel like i am an empty person. i feel like i don't know enough and i'm just bad you know. i feel like i have no life and i don't even mean that in a whining way. i really don't have one. it revolves around me being in bed and thinking of what i have to do next (and by next i mean tomorrow or the next hour for what must be completed by tomorrow). and of course, OCCASSIONALLY, actually DOING what i HAVE TO and MUST DO, if i want to graduate that is of course.
But i just feel like my life has no substance. and i have no substance. i have constructed nothing in the past 3 years that resembles anything remotely close to being something concrete. I have nothing to hold on to, nothing i can see and perceive to be something that i can say "this is what i have, this is my life, this is my worth, this is what i have done, this is my workmanship, this is the product of my hours, the prize/the achievment of my labours" i have nothing like that.
and that is why, i feel, incredibly.... empty inside.
because i have nothing to grasps outside. no achievements, not concrete solid work that can be seen, no lasting relationships that would go beyond December 2005, no works, no mastery, no skills, no nothing, except.... memories.
nothing gained.
nothing worth anything.
and i feel so hollow. so shallow.
if life is suppose to mean something, then i am a failure.
the yardstick by which i've used to measure my life is... .... was... too stupid... too little. too shallow. too nothing. too insubstantial and insignificant for anything gain to even be worth anything in the end of the day when the curtain draws to a close and life ends and time ends and you have to account for all you have done and what you have achieved and made out of your hours and you realize that, you have nothing to show for, nothing to represent yourself. it was all WASTED, wasted wasted wasted wasted wasted... gone. thrust like memory fading and once it's gone, there was nothing... nothing to account for the three years i have been here.... NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING.
i feel sad. i feel like i've achived nothing and in truth is that... i really have achieved nothing.
Monday, April 11, 2005
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