ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

i want to know what it means to be Christian.


Phooi Wah (she's the friend who came with me on that trip) said to me the other day, "I want to be spiritual, not religious,"

And I felt that, that really is so fundamentally true.


But... I don't know how to seperate being religious and being spritual in Christianity. It's like the two are married.


I don't read the Bible enough and you sure know, I go to Church as little as I read the Bible... So much for sprituality!

I've had Ms Moey and a friend tell me today that I can seek God and seek to be spritual in my own way and question what's being taught in Church, but I must always turn back to God's word...

However, perhaps my thinking is faulty, but i feel that if I followed that thought process and did seek God but always turned back to God's word... it would ultimately lead me to being a Religious Christian... the same mold as it was before... Because, I think that, Religious Christian is Spritual Christian...


I've not met any Spritual Christian in my life, you know... Somehow, they're always religious... Or, they might somehow start out spritual, like how Phooi Wah, actually, is very different... But it always really boils down to the same fundamentals of religiousness and beliefs and rites and dogma... things that I want to escape from...

It's not that I don't believe in those beliefs, I do, perhaps, actually, I believe in them too much and too strongly... But... actually... to stop beating around the bush... The crux of this constant turmoil that has been in my life since I was 14 is that: I want to live a life that I imagine yet have this life, though it's my dream, it is still serving unto the Lord... BUT... somehow, everyone I've talked to..... I don't think that is possible at all, IF i wanted to be a "true" Christian...

Many people have told me ways around it... Like, if I seeked God more, then I will find that my desires will conform to His will... Or that I would find myself wanting the things of God... Or that I can always serve God through how I live my life, no matter what I am doing... Or we can petition to God and we can serve God in whatever vocation we do...

It's just that, I can't see, how my desire to work in the music industry or to stay in Japan or whatever, which are so SOLIDLY MY desire and my love, can be what God wants... THAT is something I can never see jiving together. I always always always see my will as being MY desires and it CAN't be from God without lying to myself about it, without trying to cheat my way into thinking that it COULD be for God or serving unto God.

I can see FULLY that THAT is the life I WANT. And, I am adamant in wanting it, or wanting to want it even though God might be wanting something else for me... It's so much of that I don't think what i want is what God wants for me. I feel that it's such a selfish desire and such a singular personal desire that I don't think God's desire is in that equation at all or can be in that equation at all! without me deluding myself in some way that I can still be following God in all that...


I know if I seeked God, if I petitioned God about this...

It's not possible to have all those desires and to live that desire and STILL be a Spritual Christian.

If i wanted to be Christian, then it WOULD have to mean giving up what I WANT and following what GOD wants... and that means, giving up those dreams, because those dreams are in no way compatible with God or Godliness or Christianity or being a real true Christian..

-and i am torn-


I wish i can be like my friends... Just follow the money, follow the regular job and career, follow that well-prescribed life... then serve God in Church or be religious, read the bible pray everyday, go to Church every weekend... and everything will fall into place... and be such a great true Christian through it all...

It's just that my desires are not that simple, not that regular, not that easy to have and still have it jive with serving God in Church or being religious, or just be spritual by reading the bible pray everyday, go to Church every weekend...

AND... I think, it's not so easy, and it's not enough... because.... being a Christian is so, so, so much more that doesn't just call for service, or reading the bible and praying everyday, going to Church on Sunday, or serving in a church council, or being religious. Because, to be a true Christian means for me to die to myself, my desires, my dreams-- and for Christ to live in me-- THAT is what it means if you really really really want to be a true Christian.

And that is my fundamental Christian belief in what "Christian" means, and requires-- there's no way around it, or lie to yourself about it, or negotiate-- because if you go back to the word of God, you will see that requirement.

So where does my desire play in that? The two does not jive, Elaine, it will never jive-- You cannot seek one and still have the other. You cannot want one and still think you're faithful to the other. Because you can only serve one master in your life.


I want to be a someone who knows in my heart of heart that I believe in God and in Christ and I believe the love of God, and I believe in loving others and serving others, and in serving God and showing and giving the love of God to others... But that's not being a Christian, not a totally real true Christian anyway...

I think my friends got the one thing right though, I think that through it all... they're happy with where they're at... somehow, they seeked God the right away and it has led them there, to where they're happy...

I want to be happy, God, and to be content.. I don't even know if dreaming what I dream would get me there.. I just want to be happy...

It is terrible to be born with dreams and be born with a belief in those dreams. It's better to just let dreams be dreams and believe that dreams will always be dreams and just get on with life... It's much simpler that way, much easier.



"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

"but I gave them this command: Obey me, and I will be your God and you will be my people. Walk in all the ways I command you, that it may go well with you."
Jeremiah 7:23

"But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well."
Luke 12:31

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."
Philippians 1:21

it's better to burn out than to fade away.

I don't remember many of my brithdays... in fact barely.... But I think I remember my 16th, 19th and 21st birthdays....

16th because my dad threw a really nice party for me with all my friends.

19th coz i just made myself remember the other day, with Kevin and KDU friends at Planet Hollywood (I think...)

21st coz I flew out to Florida to see Days Away and to celebrate it with them. Tim threw up, i almost got arrested, Keith bought me a drink (and then dinner and did i mention lunch too? shite, i owe him ALOT!).... it was abit of a mess but fun.

And these are this year's:

I celebrated it with my department... =) it was really fun =)

ANGELINE BOUGHT A CAKE FOR ME WITH: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MRS. YOSHITARO...... wth =______=

I saw the cake and I saw like "Mrs." there first and I thought they spelt it wrongly... then I saw YOSHITARO... WTH =________= I was looking at Asuka and Karin and they were smirking away. hahahaha WTH =_________=

hahaahah... SERIOUSLY! and i thought I was the one obsessed but it seems that hey! so is everyone else it seems! wat the heck! hahahahaha

Neways, it was really sweet of them =)



They all also bought me flowers and a bag =)))



Here's with Mrs. Tan *heart*



Here's with the whole department and all my students =)



The three youngest lecturer at college.... I'm the oldest of the three, followed by Angeline (on the right), and Phooi Wah (on the left)




Well what can I say?

When my father asks why I don't quit my job, why am i staying at MCKL shit pay shit job, When my brother looks at me with his disaproving face and chastise me with his disaproving voice... What can I say?

I can't say anything, but to show them these pictures... and SHOW them the REASON why I stayed... and I suppose.. why i am still continuing to stay... despite the shit pay and the shit jobs haha.

------------

Also, I want to say thank you to all who called or texted or wished me Happy Birthday: Daniel, YYY, Lillien, Rachel, Alex, Vivian, Ching Mun, Debby, Aida Yazrin, Aida Sam, Mom, Dad... and errr... lupa.. hahahah SORRY! hahahah and THANKS MAN EVERYONE =) thanks for remembering and for taking the time to wish =) *loves*

You smile painfully sometimes,
You must have been forcing yourself to be strong
And you got hurt too much.
I do not know the reason for your pain,
But I guess you actually want to cry, don’t you?
I cannot do anything because I am not a god,
If the pain dissolves in your tears,
I listen to you silently, I also wipe your tears,
The tears are not a trivial thing..

Do you remember the day you were born?
Utter a voice to live, stand up to live,
The tears you cried will give you the power to stand up again,
You are never a weakling.

This is such a worn-out example, but,
As the cloudy sky and the fine sky are the same sky,
So is your laughter and tears the same you,
I think so, whatever anyone else says.

You continue smiling to be strong,
It’s a lie you tell to kill the loneliness.
I cannot do anything, I cannot know your pain,
(But) Now I am here, this is only what I can do for you.

It’s good, you can cry now.

-thanks to Karin for the translation-


ランクヘッド／ひとりごと

君はたまにとても苦しそうに笑うね
きっとずいぶん無理をして強がって
人の分まで傷ついてきたんだね
君の傷の理由など僕には解らないけど
それでも本当は君は泣きたいんじゃないのかい？
僕は神様じゃないからなにもできないけど
もしも君の涙に痛みが溶けていくなら
静かに聴いてるから　涙も拭いてあげるから
涙を馬鹿になどしないから

覚えているかい　君が生まれたときの事を
生きるために声をあげ　生きるために立ち上がっただろう
だから今君が流した涙は
まだ君が立ち上がるための力になるんだ
決して弱虫なんかじゃないんだ

あまりに安っぽい例え話だけど
曇り空も晴れた空も同じ空であるように
笑い声も涙さえも
大事な君自身の君らしさに違いないのだと僕は思う
誰が何を言おうとも僕はそう思う

どれだけ強がって　自分にうそをついて
孤独を押し殺して　笑いつづけてきたんだ
僕は何にもできないけど　痛みさえ知り得ないけど
今はここにいるから　それしかできないから

今君が泣けてよかった


If Yoshitaro meant for this to be a soliloquy... does it mean he's saying it to himself?

I've been associating to this song lately... I always liked the chorus and how Yoshitaro sings... "Kumori sora mo hareta sora mo, onaji sora de aru youni..." that part... and what it means... "This is such a worn-out example, but, As the cloudy sky and the fine sky are the same sky, So is your laughter and tears the same you..." I think that's so wonderful, true and poignant... and there's so much strength to draw from those lines..

But i also love the way he sings the parts "boku wa nani mo dekinai kedo..."(I cannot do anything)...

The song seems to be like as if he's singing it or saying it to someone else, to tell them that even if he/she is falling apart and he can't do anything to stop their pain, at least all he can do is be there for that person... and he's trying to encourage that person that it doesn't matter if sometimes you are happy or sometimes you cry, because both are true emotions of the real and same you... Even though he can't do anything for that person, he's tries to be there for that person and encourages that person to have strength and faith in himself/herself.

HOWEVER, if the song name "hitorigoto" means soliliquy... then.... Is it a soliliquy because it's actually Yoshitaro saying all these stuff to himself? To encourage himself????

Or is it named hitorigoto coz, he wants to say all these to that other person, but knowing that his words will never reach the other person, like falling on deaf ears or a harden heart, it's as if it's all a soliliquy... because he can't say any of these to that person to help them because that person is so sad in his/her world, he/she can't seem to be helped???

Ohhhhh how i wish i could ask Yoshitaro these questions :(

the answer would probably be: "it's just words dude. chill. doesn't mean anything. I just thought they were cool. that's all man..." wth =_= PROBABLY THOUGH!

But don't you think the lyrics are really wonderful? To tell you to embrace who you are whether the tears or the smiles. To let your guards down because sometimes, it's okay to cry... And from there, you'll find the voice to live again once you've embrace who you are and find the strength to let yourself be weak..

WAAA! Shit i am so sad I can't understand all his songs!!! SHITTTTT!!! (then again... do i wanna understand songs like Sakana no Uta? and Semi? :S ERRR~ -_-)

-cheewoh-sideways syndrom says:
eh..

-cheewoh-sideways syndrom says:
jigoku shoujo not bad wei

DEPRESSED. waaa! please fall into place... says:
hahahaha

DEPRESSED. waaa! please fall into place... says:
yeah it is

DEPRESSED. waaa! please fall into place... says:
but abit boring the plot after awhile

DEPRESSED. waaa! please fall into place... says:
they could have made it way better

DEPRESSED. waaa! please fall into place... says:
and had so much potential

DEPRESSED. waaa! please fall into place... says:
but not tapped

DEPRESSED. waaa! please fall into place... says:
uwatched 1 or 2

-cheewoh-sideways syndrom says:
watching first

-cheewoh-sideways syndrom says:
gonna habis adi

-cheewoh-sideways syndrom says:
i bet u oif tht existed nigel would be dead my now

DEPRESSED. waaa! please fall into place... says:
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahah

DEPRESSED. waaa! please fall into place... says:
OMGOSH

DEPRESSED. waaa! please fall into place... says:
hahahahahahaha

DEPRESSED. waaa! please fall into place... says:
that's going into the blog

DEPRESSED. waaa! please fall into place... says:
hahaha

-cheewoh-sideways syndrom says:
lol..

-cheewoh-sideways syndrom says:
but then u oso go to hell..

DEPRESSED. waaa! please fall into place... says:
yeah yeah

DEPRESSED. waaa! please fall into place... says:
hahahahaha

-cheewoh-sideways syndrom says:
so come to think of it not very worth it..

-cheewoh-sideways syndrom says:
lol..

DEPRESSED. waaa! please fall into place... says:
hahahahahahaha

Today was going through the list of 0601 and 0603 students for Phooi Wah to fill in the unis that the students went to... Also, it was also Vince's bday, so got to talk to him today...

Going through the list, I really miss having 0601 around... Was fun when they were around haha.. I think college is so different now from when their batch was around (SOOO MUCH MORE QUIET!! hahahahaah). But yeah... I don't think college is as fun anymore.... No one plays basketball, meng"hantu" in college haha, errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr "blacken" the toilets, cause erm.. various hazzards in college, haha... yeah... It's different these days... *haih*

Andddd...... here's erm... also "another" reason why I "miss" 0601 ppl hahahaha:

WUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I GOT LUNKHEAD CONCERT TICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU MAYUKO!!! THANK YOU GOD!! ^^

kinda pissed off with Rumiko Takahashi.

Why the hell she makes her villians like so damn strong???? I mean naraku is like this super power man that EVERYONE in the good side combine with all their kick ass weapons can't even do shit at all... WTH!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I THINK INUYASHA IS COMING TO AN END BUT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RIN HAS BEEN TAKEN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talk about a disgruntled employee haha:



Took this pic with Sunshine in Brickfields while we were coming back from KLCC after we took the pic BELOW:



I Love Lunkhead.

I made the poster so that I could take this pic... I put it into the picture book of Malaysia I am making for Ryou/Yoshitaro... It's suppose to be for Ryou but, Asuka told me I should give it to Yoshitaro instead... I don't know...




This picture is also for the picture book for Lunkhead. I like KLCC at night ALOT especially the view from the MR2... So i got my brother to go with me to take the pics on the MR2... We went and wuahahaha he has a one of those D80 camera so OBVIOUSLY the pics wud be good ne!

Neways, drove there and stopped by the roadside at MR2. It's at the turnoff into Ampang, there's a conveniently nice little space there to stop and park the car.. wuahahah.. maybe they made it for ppl to stop and watch the fireworks haha.

BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT if you think I'm obsessed with Yoshitaro then.... look at what JAROD so-called "doodled" on MSN:



THAT ain't NOOOOO doodle man!!!! wth!!!!! and I thought I was the one obsessed!! wth!


Lastly....



MY SUGAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wuahahahahahhahahahahahahaah...

She's sooooooooooo cute!!! heheehhe I love her!! hehehe.. I bought the shirt for her at that street market in New York City that Elaine Teh and I went to on my first trip to New York 2 years back.

The week in words:

だけどいつか忘れていくから／悲しいけれど生きていける」.


I never knew how much the position of one word could mean such big difference between such worlds...

"I just can't forget you."

"I can't just forget you."

it's unfortunate sometimes, but it was the latter.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Yesterday i thought of this and I really believe in this:

1) Best feeling ever:
When dreams come true.

2) Worst feeling ever:
When the band plays their last song and the song ends and they walk off stage, the lights come on and the mosh pit cools off and everyone disperses. THAT has to be the worst feeling ever: from euphoria to instant deflation.. Utterly terrible.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Lastly:

I have decided to go to Japan in December. From 7th till 17th....

My sole purpose is to go there for Lunkhead's live on 8th and 9th December because I have to be part of that history. And because the mosh pit is calling me and I feel like drowning.

I don't think I have enough money, or at least, I hope I have just enough. I'm not too sure if this is the wisest choice, but I am going.

I'm going to write to Lunkhead... to ask if I could meet them.... But....

My explanations and reasons:
Letter to Lunkhead and wisdom aside, I am going because I am young and free of much responsibilities and I love Lunkhead.

Letter aside and whether they would even receive the letter or even reply, I want to go for their show because I love their music true. I want to be there in the mosh pit because I love their music and their music moves me. I want to be part of that crowd and I want to be part of that history.

Wisdom aside, I think... If I don't go now, when else? I have no husband, no boyfriend, no kids, no car installment payments, no house installment payments, no credit card debt, no loan debt, no life, no future either basically hmmmm... So what the hell.. I might as well do it now if not when else?

So yesterday, I told Lillien i wanted to like choose pics of Yoshitaro that I liked the most... and she asked... "which one is it? All?"

haha..

so yeah. it's abit of a hard task ne? ANYWAY! So i was trying to choose some today, but it felt damn obsessive ok!!!! So instead of choosing just odaka, i decided to choose the pics I liked best of each member of Lunkhead.

I had in mind for Sou and Satoru but Ryou was abit hard coz he is always enthusiastic in pics... seems like every pic of him is representative of who he is anyway...

BUT ANYWAY... So i went to Ryou's blog to look for his pics... THEN I CAME ACROSS A SERIES OF PICS.... They were really cute and funny but I wasn't sure if it was YOSHITARO!!!!! (sorryla... really... it's sad to say but sometimes, i really CANNOT recognize him... seems like he change faces according to haircut or something =_=)...

SO I CONSULTED the expert opinion of Jarod!! For his artistic comparison of known Yoshitaro pictures with the unknown subject picture.

And here is he results:



AND I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONE OBSESSED.

WTH.

I just asked for opinion and he gave like a FACIAL analysis!!! WTHHHHHHHHH =________=

ANYWAY! SO! It's Yoshitaro!!!!! wuahahahahhaha.

Anyway, here are the pics:

Yamashita Sou. Sou has some funny pics but I really like this picture of Sou. I thought he's so cool in this pic =)




Gouda Satoru. Here's Satoru!!!! It's a screencap from Sakura Biyori PV... Satoru is actually damn funny in the band...!!




Ishikawa Ryou!! Here's typical Ryou!! He's really enthusiastic and looks really happy all the time!! ^^




Here's Yoshitaro!! hehehehe.... Actually, seems like Yoshitaro doesn't take many pictures like on the blogs and stuff, actually... He usually takes pic of others, so it's really hard to find pics of him on the blogs sometimes... But anyway! If Jarod's analysis is correct... This is Odaka-kun~!

The things I miss about Boss... hehehehhe ;)

WOW...

So i was downloading songs with my brother's Napster's account today... I thought I go get all the albums i wanted to get... SO i was checking out all the bands that I used to listen to alot... a.l.a. BN, TBS, STD, etc... those lot and follow the trail from there from Brand New, to Moneen to Midtown, to Hey Mercedes, to Recover, to the June Song, to dude like basically the WHOLE SCENE....(and yeah it's true ONE band will lead to EVERY OTHER band!! hahaha)

Man..... shit.... all the songs really sound back to 2002/2003/2004.... I really wish i had checked some of the bands back then like the June Song back in 2002 when i was listening to those type of sounds.... But dude, the whole lot really brings back memories of nights out at Troubador and MOST OF ALL of LUIS... Dude it was like EVERY band that he had ever recommended to me back in 2003 and some that we saw together like Moneen, Hot Rod Circuit, etc... Dude, all i can think of is Luis dancing away in the mosh pit...

Dude that said... I think.... I can't go back to those sounds again.. Not that this point... I suppose, our taste do evolve, as much as I am still playing songs from very old playlists... there are, sadly, songs and sounds that you DO outgrow, no matter how much those songs and sounds are tied to cherished moments and memories...


Kinda sad though, that that's over now...

It's so surreal to hear my 13 year old cousin say, "MCR is my favourite band"

You know, everytime someone mentions MCR and how they love Black Parade, it just brings me back to that night back in 2003 in Santa Monica after a show and we were with Luis and his friends... And there was this girl there, I forgot her name... And that night I remember under the yellow glow of streetlights, she showed us her MCR tattoo with lyrics on her wrist... I remember how she talked about how she went over to the east coast to see MCR and they just thought that she was so crazy to go all the way to see them coz they were practically unknown at that time... And she showed them their tattoo and they thought that was just so crazy that someone loved them so much to do something like that... I remember her eyes and how she showed and shied her tattoo away, with that silent consuming adoration in her eyes and the quiet of her voice as she smoothen the surface of that burning obession for her band.

So, everytime someone mentions how much they love MCR, the image of her tattoo underneath that yellow glow comes to my mind...

And it's even more surreal to hear my 13 year old cousin utter the words:

"I love emo."

WTH.

right.

that's the way life goes.

5 years ago no one wanted to listen to ANY of these bands... then suddenly, 6 years flash forward, every kid in college likes emo suddenly (just coz of MCR)... HELL, who'd have thought even my 13-year-old cousin! You could have knocked me down with a feather--- and here i was trying to force people to listen to the songs 6 years ago... NOW even my 13-year-old cousin...

and guess what... damn, now i don't even listen to the songs anymore!!!

Such a tragedy really...

DUDE.

SO TODAY.

I SUDDENLY thought I SOULSEEK search for Lunkhead songs and

SUDDENLY, there was this dude, with ZERO queues with a bunch of Lunkhead songs... But they were in all those weird symbols so I didn't know what it was... I tried to guess the album so, I checked the folder and it had like 9 songs which i thought weird coz Lunkhead didn't have any albums with 9 songs... So i decided to download it and.........

LO AND BEHOLD!!!! IT TURNED OUT TO BE ONE OF THEIR DEMO ALBUM!!!!!!

In fact I think it was the one that was on japan yahoo auction the other day that went up to like 130USD bid! It's one of those albums that they sold only at live shows years ago.... Or I think it might have been a demo itself...

It had HITORIGOTO!!!!!!!, YUGURE NO, HAISORA!!!!! and most of the their first mini album songs in it!!!!!!!!!!!

DUDEEE I AM SOOOO HAPPY!!! WHAT A FIND!!!!

So anyway... I realized that exactly today I've been back from the States for a year... how depressing, and how completely wasted that year has been!

I don't want to talk about how that feels because it's probably gonna make me depress. So i suppose, it's better to just sweep it under the rug and live abit in denial.

I put the ipod on shuffle again yesterday, I've not done that for almost a month... and I realize that I've not heard any English songs for a month... =_=.... But seems like in that 1 month, the songs all sound so fresh again! haha...

So anyway, I promised some friends I'd send them some Lunkhead songs... But i ended up making a mix of songs from bands I loved while I was in the States, namely Taking Back Sunday..... hahaha.... with throw-ins from Saves The Day, Brand New, hellogoodbye, blink 182, +44, Zolof and the Rock Destroyer, Thursday, Days Away, Something Corporate, Jack's Mannequin, Dashboard Confessional, Jimmy Eat World, Northstar, Finch.

I know I missed out alot alot alot alot of other bands like NFG, TSL, Senses Fail, Straylight Run, Mae, watashi wa, endor, Fall Out Boy, MOVIELIFE!!!!!!!!, The Used.... who else... that meant alot of me too....

And I also left out ALL the japanese bands and jpop singers I listened to alot while I was there.....

I guess, besides semesters painting the periods of my life in America, music marked alot of those phases too... In fact I think most of my memories of America would probably be tied to a song, a playlist of songs, a band or show.

So... music can't be extracted from my memories of America and what it was at that time...

Taking Back Sunday in the whole first year with puncutations from Northstar in the Summer of 03, and then Thursday in the Fall of 03 around August when mom came to visit. Saves the Day and Brand New came around November 03... Then I fell in love with Japan hahaha... damn.

So i guess my memories of America can't be extracted from the likes of The Pillows, Asian Kung Fu Generation (Spring 05), SPITZ (Fall - Winter 05), Plastic Tree (Spring - Fall 06)... I guess even right NOW when Hotaru by SPITZ is playing on my iPod, I still can remember the passing scene from the train from Back Bay in Boston to Framingham...

So that's that... One year.... Not one year back in Malaysia, but more, really, one year gone from America... quite a.... terrible.. feeling... really.

Here's The MIX.


Despair could ravage you if yo turn your head around
to look down the path that's lead you here, cause what can you change?
You're a vessel now floating down the waterways.
You can take your rudder and aim your ship,
just don't bother with the things left in your wake.
Just sail belly up to the clouds, the rocks scraping your back.
To breathe in the air will be the only thing that you have
and your love will be warm nights with pockets of moonlight
spotlighting you as you drift, the actor in this play.
You walk across the stage, take a bow, hear the applause,
and as the curtain falls, just know you did it all
the best that you knew how and you can hear them cheering now.
So let a smile out and show your teeth cause you know you lived it well.

Elaine
-This is Not an Exit-

Perhaps this is an attempt to justify something that I don't need to justify...



I know in a sense I am obsessed with Lunkhead-- but in another sense, for them, and for whenever I did like a band, it's not always without a reason.

Sure i'd love to marry Yoshitaro and wish to bear his kids but... that's just the obsessive nature talking... In my heart of hearts, it's not because how Yoshitaro looks that I am in love with Lunkhead, I love them because of their songs.


I'm sure some essense of it was lost in translation in the letter that actually reached him but This is part of the original letter in English that I sent to Yoshitaro... But I wrote this letter LOOOONG before I loved them as much.. this was the very first translation i gave to Tsuyoshi back in July 06 when i first got to know Lunkhead, and when I knew only 4 of their songs, and the feelings that I felt for them then back in July 06 are feelings that were still true (and added much more) in April 07 when i sent the letter... and still holds true right now... This is the reason why I loved Lunkhead, and why I love them still...


Hello.

I think that you are an amazing band. Your songs are awesome. I cannot really understand Japanese but your songs and the parts of the lyrics that I can understand really capture my heart.

I cannot stop listening to the songs!!! Truly addicted!! EVERYDAY!

Although I cannot understand Japanese very much (it is sad), I think that your songs are very beautiful yet sad, but always very amazing. Breathtaking.

The vocals is perfect (haha), the lyrics are phenomenally good, the guitars are amazingly beautiful, the bass is gorgeous and the drums is awesome.Every element just dances with each other to produce a wonderful masterpiece. THANK YOU FOR THE SONGS!!!!

Actually, the lyrics of 月と手のひら reminds me of an English song I love very much “Stay With Me” by the band Finch (I included a CD with the song with this letter)… But… I like月と手のひら very much because the lyrics is so beautiful. The vocals is very passionate and sad! Also, the music in that song is just absolutely beautiful. Very touching and inspiring!

木漏れ日　is also another song that I think the music is very beautiful. But the part I love the most is the first chorus “世界はどれだけの事を。。。”
I cannot understand Komorebi’s lyrics at all but I really love this part because it gives the feeling of a person growing wings to fly above in the sky, but it is not freedom that makes him take flight, it’s the feeling of wanting to fly because he is trying to escape a sadness inside him. Does that make sense??

So, even though I don't understand the lyrics much, the music and voice and atmosphere of the songs convery very meaningful feelings to me... Thank you.



This is something I wrote just last week when i was listening to Tsuki to Tenohira in the Staff Room:



Lunkhead is not the first band I've been crazily in love with, and they won't be the last... I will probably get over this and forget how it feels to feel these feelings when I listen to their songs like Tsuki to Tenohira and Komorebi...

But while it's now, I may scream and yell and proclaim my love for Yoshitaro daily like a deranged lover swooned off her feet everyday.... But that's far from the reason why I love Yoshitaro, and far from the reason why I love Lunkhead...

I like Yoshitaro like the reasons why I loved the likes of Noel Gallagher, Tim Wheeler, Nate Barcalow-- It is their brilliance, these quiet geniuses, crafting such amazing music, writing such breathtaking lines, loving to do their God-given talent with such passion and true happiness for their music, like it was a divine calling...

"It is not me who chose music, but it was music that chose me."

"Still I want to sing. Please let me sing."

This is the voice of someone who love what he does, and love with it with a passion that many of us lack for what we do... And I admire and love Yoshitaro for that.

It is reasons like these that is why I love Yoshitaro... for the music he makes, for the lyrics he writes about their dreams and how far they've come, for his genuine love and passion for what he does...

It's my flaw perhaps, that I am attracted to people who are brilliant and passionate about what they do.

Discredit him all you want for writing songs like Sakana no Uta and Semi haha, discredit him all you want to say that his song sucks, discredit him all you want if you want to argue that Lunkhead doesn't play rock songs, discredit him all you want if you say he looks like a girl, and discredit him all you want when I say "I love Yoshitaro!!!".... But you can't discredit him when you read what he wrote in Hitorigoto and Tsuki to Tenohira... That is brilliance.

I'm not saying that he's the only one, I've loved many writers in my life, but you can't deny he's not one.


So those are my reasons, sane or not, but that's why I love Lunkhead and its brainchild Yoshitaro.

Yeah their drummer is a girl, how cool is that!

Been meaning to post this up for awhile but never got round to it.

Tsubaki is the band I saw with LUNKHEAD during Tsubaki's Portrait+ Tour in June. Actually, Tsubaki was the headlining band.

They were a pretty cool band but for some reason, during their live, their songs sounded very very English... except it was in Japanese. Do you get what i mean? Like the feel of it, and the sounds. I guess it had to do with the chords and progressions they use in their songs.

But anyway, actually, I've been listening to their songs ALOT lately. Sometimes more than I listen to Lunkhead. There are a few of their songs that I really like and i've posted it for download. The songs I like the most are: Akai Tobira, Yume, Hanabi, Ame Oto, Kuru Asa Moeru Mirai, Mabataki.

I think they're a pretty awesome band. Very solid sounds and great music! Some great gems to be had there... And I think, actually, their songs are more radio friendly and... dare I say? mainstream... Especially their latest album Portrait... I suppose it must be coz they DID go major with this album. So I think most people would be favourable towards their songs... Especially Hanabi!!


Actually, one of the best moments, if not the defining moment for me during the first Live (28/06, it's the first of the two Lunkhead shows i went for) was actually during Tsubaki's set.. The singer guy announced the name of the song, Yume (Dream!), and I remember that during the bridge part, he like let the crowd hum and sing the "la la la la la la" part in the bridge and all of us were united in one voice just singing along while he sang the part "ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ 君と僕の歌を歌おう" (Alongside one night, let's sing yours and my song ..??)... It was really really beautiful and was really truly in that moment, like being there living in a dream come true...

Well you gotta listen to the song, and see what I mean by that part there when we were all singing together in one voice... me this totally dunno any japanese fella in this completely japanese crowd but it was really amazing to stand there and get to hum la la la hahaha with all these other fans and really being together as one in a very special moment on a very special night...


Here are some of their PV.... They have the PV for few of the songs I like... Hanabi (of course), Mabataki, Brown Sugar Hair, Ame Oto and Kuru Asa Moeru Mirai....

But of all, actually, I like Hanabi and Brown Sugar Hair alot...! Actually i was kinda sick of listening to Hanabi at one time, but after watching the PV, I really liked it again... Brown Sugar Hair was not one of my favourite songs but after the PV i really liked it. Mabataki, on the other hand, is a GREAT song! But i really don't like the PV....







Anyway I encourage everyone to go check them out!!! Download these songs hahahaha... eeeeee.... SORRY TSUBAKI!! and MOST OF ALL, BUY THE ALBUM IF U LIKE THEM! PLEASE!

GET THE SONGS HERE

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Elaine Loh <elaineloh@gmail.com>
Date: Oct 8, 2007 2:09 PM
Subject: in the general area of things
To: melissawall@earthlink.net

i've been meaning to write but everytime i do, when i sit down at the computer, i don't feel like doing it anymore.

there goes, that explains the lack of update.

what else is there to say?

nothing.

So nigel left today...... actually he's leaving in about an hour........ probably left by the time i actually press click and post this up.....

Hummmmm.... I dunno........ I'm sad he's leaving coz there's no nigel around anymore to joke with or be teased by or to do things with.

And actually, also, I feel sad and kinda having this nostalgic feeling coz it feels like with his leaving it's the end of a phase in my life.... The phase of my life that started when I started work at MCKL back in January.... Somehow I feel like Nigel's departure is like the bookend to that phase in my life, when i first started work there in January.


I remember when i first sat in the conference room and Ms Moey just hired me, and one of the first things she told Mrs. Tan was "and pass her Nigel's number"--- BAAAAHHHHH i had a bad feeling about it from that moment on! hahahahaha.

Anyway, i was listening to my playlist today, and I suppose the songs that reminds me the most about those early days is Lunkhead's Sakura Biyori....

It was back in Feb/March and I just got to know Nigel then... and it was when Mayuko came to visit (I think i met Nigel the first time on OB Nite Feb 15th and Mayuko came around Feb 18th). It was during midsemester break and I was asked to go to college everyday to "do meet up with Nigel to do Vision". Memory is abit fuzzy now, but I think I remembered I lost my IC and all that stuff and Nigel knew and I was complaining to him about it and Daniel was teasing me about it-- but I did meet up with Nigel in that three weeks........ a total of probably...... TEN MINUTES.... WTH.

Anyway, Mayuko bought me the Sakura Biyori single when she came, so that whole period in time, I was listening to Sakura Biyori (I think 90 plays in 1 week)... So it really marked that part of my life... When u know, going to college in the morning was so tranquil and nostalgic and beautiful, i suppose, cast off in this pale shade of sunlight in the morning as i drove and walked through Brickfields....

I remember I was listening to alot of Lunkhead at that time, and I was also doing the fanmail abit for Lunkhead.... That was all around March/early April.... I remember I asked Nigel to write the address for the fanmail for me.... and he told chee woh that i was crazy coz "she ask me to write the address then she wanted to write his name herself... wth"

I remember chasing Nigel alot also....... to do like... WORK. Coz he was always running away from me. And also he never does what I ask him to do... I think there were a billion times I have written those "NIGEL PLEASE DO THIS" notes... and out of the 5 on the list, only 2 or 3 would be done and only partially. wth =_=

I remember once i chased him to the canteen, once chased him till i stalked him out at the chem lab, once chased him down to the basketball court... Until their trials when I think he stopped bothering to run away..... coz for some reason at that period, whereever i walked to, HE WAS ALWAYS THERE... Like I'd go up to the libaray and he'd be there... I walk out of the library and we're done with our 5 min meeting, we'd bump into each other again 5 mins later... Or when I walk out of the staff room, i'd see him and his friends at the corridor.... Or once, when I finished my meeting with him, he went out to eat, I went to the staffroom... And just when i came out and I thought "hmm want to ask Nigel this"... I popped into the student lounge nad THERE HE WAS... i rememeber him saying "Wth!! I just got back man! like just sat down 5 seconds!".... DUDEEEE finally our radar was honed in on the target!

Anyway, also... why they mean so much to me was also coz... This was all around April... like midApril around April 12... And I remember I was really depressed about the direction of my life at that time, and I was just really depressed u know.....

But it was also around then that I got to know Nigel and his friends... First was Chee Woh...

I remember that weekend I was deprssed and wrote and email to Nigel about youth and all... And I remember the Thursday after that weekend I totally didn't see Nigel and I told Mrs. Tan that he probably didn't come to college... On Friday i finally saw Nigel in the library with his friend and he told me that he WAS in college... but he thought I wanted to see him on Thurs, so he ran away from me and Mrs Tan altogether.

I remember then, I had the Lunkhead cellphone strap on my phone and Nigel asked "what the hell is LUNKHEAD?" and I remember Chee Woh who was with him at that time, answering "it's a japanese band"... and I immiediately pounced on him for his MSN email wuahahahahahaha.

Anyway... from there CW and i started to hang out abit... The first time was me taking him and CHi CHing home........ I remember like, I think, by this time they (Nigel and CW) were insulting me quite abit already hahahaha...

Anyway it's a whole LOAD of memories from then on... Like the first time we were in the student lounge and talking about BLEACH with CW and Ken... and I remember cw was swinging around this wooden stick and we were like "bankai" here and there... Then Nigel was insulting us about animes being cartoons..... LO AND BEHOLD, a week later, he downloaded Bleach, was watching it and wanted the whole load so i pinjamed him Dez's copies and he finished 76 episodes in 3 days........ Not to mention, he fell sick after that hahahaha... and thus... VISION was left unfinished hahahahaha. Mannn if Vision screws up... i think the both of us combo together brought it to hell..!

Anyway... then i remember they ALWAYS insulted Lunkhead as "shithead" and also I remember cw saying to me about the fanmail "AS IF THEY ARE GONNA READ IT or even GET IT. they probably get like TONS if they do."

And i remember meeting Ken once or twice and call him the "good one"...... NOOOOOOO he's not but, well, u know, actually, he quite is.

I remember i was in the student lounge damn lot from then on hahahahaha.... Yeah.... PRODUCTIVITY WENT DOWN BY LIKE 75% and I THINK IT'S STILL STUCK AT THAT DECREASED LEVEL!! WUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA..... But you know..... I got to know them more, and this whole "ride" started really... around April 19th... Right at that time I really felt depressed about life... it was like just right after that weekend I wrote and sent that email to Nigel that I got to know them.... and they saved me, you know at that time... and opened up this chance for me to live this life, experience these experiences that I have in the past 5 months... And, you know, it's all been great...!


Then I think... I got to know Kheng Li... It was their last day of school "officially"... Or I think it's the day we handed over the Ed Board... I think it was like May 25th or something and we had a meeting for the new board... Nigel was really shy and refused to come up in front to talk... I remember we were chatting abt the meeting the night before and he was asking if i was gonna be there and all coz he didn't wanna go at it alone... TURNS OUT I WAS THE ONE CONDUCTING THE MEETING... and he just sat behind with Ken and kept teasing and disturbing..... We were using Ms Lim's class and damn i can just imagine them in Ms Lim's class causing trouble hahaha...

Then I remember, cheng dar calling me "penguin" coz i looked like one =_=

Then I got to know the juniors... and I got to know Vince also during their study break...... (wuahahaha using him to get Nigel to give me stuff!!!)

Although well... NIGEL TOTALLY DIDN'T chill out till like after his exams finished... He was SOOOOOOOOOOO damn tempremental before I came back from Japan... Like he'd NEVER reply SMSes and TOTALLY avoid me sometimes (TO AVOID VISION WUAHAHAHAH).... then when i came back from Japan... MIRACLE! I sms him and cw when i got to KLIA and he ACTUALLY replied back something good wuahahah and said he'd meet me in college the next day... WTH!!! Nigel annoucing his presence!!! MIRACULOUS! hahahaha....

Anyway... I guess VISION gone, he was WAYYY more chilled la...

And well... the rest is history!

BUT ANYWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

The point to all these is that............ I guess that's why Nigel means something to me, or is important to this whole period of my life....

All i can say is that, all these things... all these memories... from Vision failure hahahahha to all the times in the student lounge, to all the mamaks, A&Ws, pasar malams, parties, Wii, Burger King, McD, CC, BBQ nite, Grad Nite, Sports Carnival, Movies, KLIA, long rides to nowhere...... These were all what made working in MCKL and the past 9 months since returning from America and working in MCKL, these are what made this whole time so great... and memorable, you know, and a period in my life I do not regret because I got to meet all these great people, and experience such wonderful things with them....... And you know, I feel,.... It was all from NIGEL.... because he really was the first student and ONLY A Level student I knew... and from him, i got to know his friends and got to be part of this awesome crowd, know these awesome people, and lived these awesome events... It's all from Nigel you know.... Because he was the first, because he was the catalyst, and because he was the one who made ALLL these other thing possible....

And all i can say is well.... Thanks, Nigel... Thanks.


My regret right now? Is that I didn't go to the student lounge on Monday when Nigel came to coll.... We were at the canteen then we went upstairs and he went to the student lounge... I thought I'd leave him there abit.... I didn't check my phone but later I saw he sent me an SMS asking me to go to the lounge.... It's the last time that'd ever happen you know, and I know how life works out... You should always seize whatever moments life presents to you, because u know, second times never do come again....

But i don't regret.. Went to midvalley after college to meet him there... I was really tired but that's what i told myself... I knew well enough that when phases past, u can never relive a past... So whatever moments that come, we should take it... And did that...

Then we went to pasar malam that night with Kheng Li and had ramli after that...

Then yesterday we went out again for Ramli with CW and KL... just sat in the car outside 7-11 eating ramli and hehehehehehehehe insulting nigel over his being so soft when it comes to his girlfriend hehehehe... and also about him crying when he was looking at his 3 year old cousin play... I love what cw said.. damn great! "if she gave u a rock u'd also say it's soft, fluffy and nice" hahahahahahahahaha DAMN GREAT CW!!!!

Anyway.... today went over to Nigel's house around 5..... to get my CDs back and also to give him the Adobe CD....... just stood around watching the files transfe and watching him pack... Kinda awkward coz his mom and dad was there and u know laaaaaa all the fussing abt kids before they leave home hehe... And also his grandpa came over...

But anyway.

So yeah.

Goodbye boss/honey/ki-shen/"favorite person"/Nigel hahaha...

K la, it's been great.... I suppose, it's abit different now...

Kinda sad not just a phase passing but... well.... No more nigel to sms =( and DANGGGG he's been the only one replying my SMS lately and actually SMSing me about stuff!! aaaaaaaaaaa!! TRAGIC! hahahaha miraculous more like it! ;)


Anyway, gem beneath the mud and $h!t huh? Well, it's more than a gem =) Really, there really is much much more... =) ............. LIKE CRYING NIGEL!! wuahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha hehehehe damnn kenot stopp laughing lleeeeee he really got a weak spot! hahahahaha a REALLYYY weak spot to add to that hahahahaha

K la jokes side... =)



ONE MORE GOODBYE TO GO: SEAH MIN KEN! -a.k.a. the "good" one!-

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i went to buy Murakami books today and I perchance across the Densha Otoko (Train Man) book!!!



I've known about the Densha Otoko story for awhile now. About this Otaku guy (Geek) who came across a really hot girl on the train and this geek didn't know how to ask her out and what to do and all taht coz he's a geek. So he goes on this BBS board (forum thingy) to seek advice from all the Otaku ppl who hang out there... And these people end up encouraging him, giving him tips, and advicing him on how to get this girl.

ANYWAY...

I ended up buying the book (fifty bucks!) coz it looked really interesting actually!! The book is like this direct translation from the BBS posts! So it's in the forum format!!!



IT'S A DAMNNNNNNNNNNNN FUNNY BOOK!!!!

Actually ok, Densha Otoko is quite funny himself especially when he's being in his loser mode!! But I think the highlight of the whole book and the story, really, is actually the reaction of the otakus on the BBS board!!! How they get like ALLLLLLLL OVERLY EXCITED and SOOOOOOOOOOO ENTHUSIASTIC and into Densha's Otoko's situation it's Hillarious!!!!!! Also, their use of those Shift JIS art/emoticons are just PRICELESS!!!!

I love the parts where they gear up and prepare for "battle" when Densha Otoko comes to the board to update them on the "date" and "progress" with the girl nicknamed Hermes. DAMN FUNNY!!!!!!!!





Can u see all the defeated persons? looks like this ＿￣○ <---- it's like a man on his hands and knees hahahaha. it's definitely a "book" i recommend, although, hahaha, it's not much of a book, it's actually like reading some forum. hahaha.

NEWAYS... some deeper thoughts into this light-hearted and touching story:

1) Actually I liked this book coz it showed a glimps into the Japanese BBS culture... It's nice to like really get a glimps into these "real" people's behavior, thoughts, feelings and culture.
That said... I think it's of course, WAYYYYYYYYYY better if we could read it in Japanese itself... I think TONS have been LOST IN TRANSLATION!!!

2) Actually, while i understand abit about the otaku culture/stigma in Japan, I think the book would be much appreciated by Japanese the most. Because, the book dealt alot with the otakus in the board cheering Train Man like a god, one of them, the otaku, actually managing to climb out from their dark corners of society and actually succeed and shine so magnificently. It's like, I guess, i couldn't relate how this guy's one success was like this magnificent victory for the otakus over the forces of "evil".

3) The book also let me to think about the whole, "if you want to score a girl/guy, you must frist change yourself.".... I never liked that concept coz, I think, if you want someone to love you, it should be for who you really are, not who you're trying to be.... I dunno... But like, the whole fact that once the otakus on the board got Train man to call the girl and he scores a date, they tell him how to change his dressing and how he looks and everything... I guess that IS quite essential since if he DOES look TOTALLY like a geek, that can't be good either.... But he does go through this transformation.... But it's quite obvious that the girl did like him the way he was.... Although, yes, to foster a feeling of "liking", I think the girl would not have fell for him if he looked like an Otaku... I suppose to get the princess, you can't keep looking like the frog u know!

4) Webculture:....... Lately I've been reading alot of these stuff about the internet being part of the storyline, ESSENTIAL part... I guess the trend is changing alot... And, I think.... Well....... while sitting in front of the PC ain't all taht great, I think it does offer some help and support to all the otakus out there in the world haha.

5)....................... Jarod told me that the Train Man in the movie was unbearable damn loser... But reading the book, actually I think the Densha Otoko guy is quite not a damn loser geek. He actually doesn't post much on the board even when like the others are DYINNNNNNGG and waiting for him to post. Also, only at the begining was he a real nervous wreck, which was undertandable, actually.... But it was only for that one night/one chapter... After that, he was damn suave if you ask me!!!


OVER ALL... I think this is a damn funny book to read.... A great insight into the minds and reactions and the thoughts of losers in the world, or seemingly losers in the world... It's damn wonderful to look at their reactions, all the battle scenes were priceless... and also some jealousy among them... hahaha
It's a really really touching story... Not just about the guy and the girl.... which REALLY reads like a fairy tale, actually, but also about the friendships and bond formed among these "annoymous" posters on the BBS board.

It's always nice to feel like you belong somewhere and you're part of something bigger than yourself =)




Here's a link to the original posts in Japanese:

http://www.geocities.co.jp/Milkyway-Aquarius/7075/trainman.html

This website was mentioned in the "book" itself... Well duh... Someone in the forum complied all the threads dealing with Densha Otoko and put it into this website... The flash the dude made in the geocities page was also mentioned in the book....

It's all in Japanese.

GREAT SUCCESS PEOPLE!!!!!!

I MANAGED TO MAKE A WIKI PAGE FOR LUNKHEAD!!!!!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lunkhead

HOOOOOORRRRAAAAYYYYY~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WOWOWOW!!! Just type LUNKHEAD in the search box for the English wiki and it takes you STRAIGHT to the page!! wowowowow!! GREAT SUCCESS!!!! LUNKHEAD ON WIKI!!!

Alright... I suppose now we just need more English speaking people to be interested in going to that page~! Then that'd mean MORE Lunkhead fans! HOOORAH!

Need to put in more content tho.... But the lack of comprehending Japanese has hindered that intention.... hmmmmmmm!

hmmmm.... actually i am abit paranoid and scared of posting the picture of the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on dis blog for the fear that I would be seen as an Iran sympathizer and be denied a US visa should i apply for one in the future.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! pls!!

ANYWAY... i'm posting this coz...

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS JOHN NOLAN REALLY LOOKS LIKE THE IRANIAN PRESIDENT GUY?????

LOOK!





DUDE, you REALLY DON'T think they look the alike???? Dude they have the same face shape, they have like same goatee, they have like the same type of sunken eyes, dude they even have the same sort of haircut!!! NO??????

ワンマンツアー2007「ジェットストリームアタックチャ〜ンス!!」東名阪追加決定！

11/10(土)　名古屋ELL 11/25(日)　心斎橋CLUB QUATTRO 12/08(土)　LIQUIDROOMebisu *FINAL 2DAYS 12/09(日)　LIQUIDROOMebisu *FINAL 2DAYS 【チケット料金】3,000円(tax in)D代別 【一般発売】9/09(日)

Soooooooooo~~~~~~~

I forgot to mention, but I am making another needlework thingy for Akio again this year wuahahahhaha...

This time, it's cross stitch!

I'm making a pig motive and Akio's name in Hiragana. It's gonna be made into a small pillowcase! (don't ask me why pillowcase. But if not that, then what then???)



Dunno why but i felt like cross stitching lately... It's actually a great stress reliever...

So anyways, bought the directions and materials in atria on Sunday, been sewing all week!

I ran out of thread so i couldn't finish it tonite, but here it is so far!




I had to come up with the directions for the Hiragana "Akio"... It was abit hard... I'm satisfied with the "A" but I don't quite like the "ki" and I think the "o" is not round enough.... I'm gonna tidy up the stitch for "ki" but I think I'm gonna leave "o" as it is, since it does look like "o" just abit... not round enough haha.


Since it took me like 1 week to finish this and it's WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY cheaper than knitting!!!!!.... I was thinking if i am enthusiastic enough, maybe I could stitch 1 for Tsuyoshi and Noah too................. errrrrrr... for Christmas... It'd be nice... Or maybe I should knit Noah a scarf... But i'd have to rebuy my needles since i lost it! dang!

I dunno... we'll see!!!!!!

It's kinda nice and great stress reliever!!!!!

HERE for the FIRST PROJECT AKIO: Knitted Scarf.

And yes, again, why Akio? Because I know he's the 1 person I can trust that if I made something and gave it to him, he would be happy to receive it... And he'd appreciate it and not spit on it or like get freaked out or whatever (well he hasn't so far, so lets hope not)...

Actually, Akio has never dissapointed me that way... Because no matter what, he always managed to see my intentions of doing what I do and not misunderstand it... He hasn't so far anyway...

Like the scarf, I actually asked him when i met him in Japan if he actually used it and he said he did!!!! hahahahahah.. REALLY??? My goshhhhh~~~ Considering that maybe, I myself might even think twice before wearing it out!! hahaha.

Also, when i was in Japan and i met Akio... He was telling Mayuko and I how he only ate 1 meal a day because he always came back too late to cook dinner and he was too tired.... And i wish i could take care of him lol!!! But anyway, i thought i'd buy him like a food gift card or something... But they didn't have those in Japan and the closest that they did have to gift cards was cash vouchers....

So anyway, I really wanted to get it for him, to ask him to use it to buy himself a meal or something... Coz too bad, i can't cook nething for him (even if I could... i don't think he should eat it!! haha). HOWEVER, Mayuko warned me against buying the cash vouchers coz she told me "it's okane yo!"... It's actually money. So giving it would be like giving money to Akio and she thought that's not appropriate.... and she said "he needs time to eat, not money to eat"

BUT ANYWAY! I bought it and asked Mayuko if she could post it to him for me. So i wrote a letter and sent the "money" to him...

A few weeks after I got back from Japan, I saw Akio online the first time in MONTHSSSSSSSSSSS and he messaged me and told me thank you very much for the gift and he said he is happy and he will use it to have a good meal soon!!!

So... well, that's why... I guess... for some reason, that way, Akio has understood me time and time again, and understood, you know, my intentions and I really thank him for that... for not misunderstanding what I intended to be something good...

Thank you, Akio =)

それでも歌いたい。歌わせてください。

Still, I want to sing. Please let me sing.



It's so beautiful... or at least, inspiring. Yoshitaro was writing about his thoughts on the world and all that is happening in it... and how easy it is for him to just say that he his helpless to change anything... yet what is then the value of the songs that such a man sings?

Yet, still, he wants to sing... Please let me sing...

I think that's very beautiful...

Then... well... sing on... =)

Songs....
Tsubaki
Lunkhead

it's abit sad but....... it's abit sad to feel this but, it's sad that I feel that Michelle's the only real friend i have and funny thing is that she's 8000 miles away.

i feel like i've not treated her as I should but instead i have casted pearls before swines.

I feel very dumb and such a fool coz I always waste my effort on the things that don't matter when I could have gained so much more and be much better off if I had just been more selfish and not have given so much, coz what for? In the end it's just spit on and forgotten, and no one actually cares-- not enough anyway.

You should always withold love and affection and care where and when it's not asked for. Instead, give it to those who really cares back for you and who is WORTH the effort and the love...

Because I look back at all these and all i can say is that I was a fool, I am a fool... and it was all for naught.

Sometimes, there comes a time (usually at times like these) that you realize who your friends really are and who your friends aren't. It's a saddening realization but.... sometimes I wish it speaks more about the other person than it does about me, that at least... you're not the selfish one in the end.



I was just writing a text (sms) just now.... felt really really down and lonely and i felt i needed someone... i needed a friend, needed to know, at least, someone cared......... I scrolled through the list to find someone i could send it to whom i knew would care or had the time to care and, you know, I couldn't find anyone.. Not a single one....

Except...

Michelle.

You know, actually..... sadly to say..... she's actually called me more often in the past months than every other person on my list.


I don't know......



I remember... there was once... back in Northridge... I felt really down one day.... probably because of some guy haha... But i remember texting Michelle that day... Just a passing text you know, like you would just text to your friends "Feeling a little depressed. wish you were here."

And DUDE, that night, although she finished work at 10pm, had to work again the next morning, she still drove 1 1/2 hours, 90 miles, from Anaheim to Northridge just to eat at Denny's with me for an hour or so. What the hell man... but THAT was what she did. It's like driving from KL to seremban to have mamak with a friend. Dude... I will always remember that... and I will always love Michelle for that.....


And I guess that's why, it is after all that she has done for me, her love her care her phonecalls, her wishes, her love, you know.... That I know, that sitting here 8000miles away at 12 am feeling lonely as hell feeling like such a fool that I have wasted my affections on worthless things.... I still had ONE friend in her... even though she is so far away, even though we weren't from the same country or same culture or same skin color... At least.... I am still her friend she cares about. That means alot to me.


This is not to say i have no friends... but u know... It's really really realy very very comforting for me to know that I have Michelle at least...

Thanks dude... And I love you... And I miss you... and you know how much I wish I was back there and we could do stuff again.... It was a life really, a life i really wish could have last a lil longer...

GREAT FAILURE AGAIN....

I spent 12 hours doing ONE FRIGGING ICON.... Because i couldn't decide on waht i want.... I'm still not happy with this one...



The Japanese word that "ODAKA" I scanned it in from the autograph i got from Yoshitarou... hehe.



Yeah same pics I know... But i don't think I can use these for the icon challege coz it's a group pic not an individual pic... But i dunno lets see...

d "LUNKHEAD" is a scan from the handdrawn postcard I got from Lunkhead when I bought their album.


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