ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

HELLLOOOOOO PROFESSORRRRRRR....

 

how have you been? met any great talents lately?? haha! where have all the flowers gone?

 

It's been awhile since i've written.

 

I've been meaning to write but i never got down to doing it.

 

i wanted to call you the other day, and actually, I did... then realized it was Sunday in CA, so much for that.

 

 

I'm teaching right now... been doing that for the past nine months... can't say i love it, can't say i hate it either. I'm often compelled to want to make an impact and a great change, but too much admin work and preperation and marking papers kinda put a damper to things. hmm. the education system is really different here too... I have never noticed how stifling British education is till i had to teach according to its system.... Every bit of me misses America.... So here i drift wondering "where was the life i had imagined?"

 

It has been, for the past year, a gradual descent into a life i never meant... i don't quite know how i got here. I suppose there's a way out, but i don't seem to be taking any of those options.

 

So, basically...

 

I'm lost.

 

 

I had wanted to come back because I thought there were things I could do here that, being an immigrant in America, I coudln't do too freely (or cheaply). But I don't know, professor, being an ESL lecturer in a small college to 13 students being paid USD400 a month wasn't exactly what I had in mind. At this rate, it would have been better working as a secretary in Boston for the next 5 years... as an illegal haha.. At least New York was just 4 hours away on weekends, and I'd have been earning USD1500 a month! And to add to that, I'm not a good teacher... I try... and i often want to try my best... but i just feel that I can't help the students the best that they can be helped.

 

That aside... I'm 25 and I don't know what I want to do with my life. It's a terrible state-- to end up here in the end-- without a purpose or direction. I swear I had a vision once... I just have no idea where and when it vanished. It's like i chased it so far and so long, and i got distracted LOADS along the way, and along the way from living from Monday to Tuesday to Wednesday... it's just suddenly lost... so lost i don't even remember what it was that I had wanted.

 

 

Now i'm looking for myself to save me... because I know the only person who can save me is myself.

 

Sometimes, professor, I wish i didn't think so much about things... Instead i wish i would allow myself to be more impulsive... What happened to just followign my heart? Sometimes I wish i can live with reckless abandon, sometimes I wish i was less cautious-- I feel that it's somethign that I must do, if I want to get out of this... I feel I must stop thinking and contemplating where the next step would take me 15 steps down the line, and just take a step already.... Doesn't matter where I'll end up in 10 years or 5 years or 2 years, but just to do what I feel like I want to do now................................................................ not a great way of career planning i must say! But...... I don't like where I am right now, and i feel like I am slowly ebbing away with each day... I feel that, since i can't seem to be certain of the future 2 - 5 years ahead, I should just take any step forward, looking only at a 6 month plan instead.

 

I still don't know... wisdom comes with age but i am no wiser... just more whimpy about things.

 

 

 

I went to Japan in June though... I WENT THERE FOR TWO CONCERTS!!! ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDD I GOT TO MEET THE BAND EVEN!!! *happiness*

 

I guess I'm still in love with that.......

 

I still want to write my book. Yes, though, i can't seem to find my voice.

 

 

I hope you're doing well... I might call you again later................................ haha... It SHOULD BE Monday.

 

Elaine