ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

i want to know what it means to be Christian.


Phooi Wah (she's the friend who came with me on that trip) said to me the other day, "I want to be spiritual, not religious,"

And I felt that, that really is so fundamentally true.


But... I don't know how to seperate being religious and being spritual in Christianity. It's like the two are married.


I don't read the Bible enough and you sure know, I go to Church as little as I read the Bible... So much for sprituality!

I've had Ms Moey and a friend tell me today that I can seek God and seek to be spritual in my own way and question what's being taught in Church, but I must always turn back to God's word...

However, perhaps my thinking is faulty, but i feel that if I followed that thought process and did seek God but always turned back to God's word... it would ultimately lead me to being a Religious Christian... the same mold as it was before... Because, I think that, Religious Christian is Spritual Christian...


I've not met any Spritual Christian in my life, you know... Somehow, they're always religious... Or, they might somehow start out spritual, like how Phooi Wah, actually, is very different... But it always really boils down to the same fundamentals of religiousness and beliefs and rites and dogma... things that I want to escape from...

It's not that I don't believe in those beliefs, I do, perhaps, actually, I believe in them too much and too strongly... But... actually... to stop beating around the bush... The crux of this constant turmoil that has been in my life since I was 14 is that: I want to live a life that I imagine yet have this life, though it's my dream, it is still serving unto the Lord... BUT... somehow, everyone I've talked to..... I don't think that is possible at all, IF i wanted to be a "true" Christian...

Many people have told me ways around it... Like, if I seeked God more, then I will find that my desires will conform to His will... Or that I would find myself wanting the things of God... Or that I can always serve God through how I live my life, no matter what I am doing... Or we can petition to God and we can serve God in whatever vocation we do...

It's just that, I can't see, how my desire to work in the music industry or to stay in Japan or whatever, which are so SOLIDLY MY desire and my love, can be what God wants... THAT is something I can never see jiving together. I always always always see my will as being MY desires and it CAN't be from God without lying to myself about it, without trying to cheat my way into thinking that it COULD be for God or serving unto God.

I can see FULLY that THAT is the life I WANT. And, I am adamant in wanting it, or wanting to want it even though God might be wanting something else for me... It's so much of that I don't think what i want is what God wants for me. I feel that it's such a selfish desire and such a singular personal desire that I don't think God's desire is in that equation at all or can be in that equation at all! without me deluding myself in some way that I can still be following God in all that...


I know if I seeked God, if I petitioned God about this...

It's not possible to have all those desires and to live that desire and STILL be a Spritual Christian.

If i wanted to be Christian, then it WOULD have to mean giving up what I WANT and following what GOD wants... and that means, giving up those dreams, because those dreams are in no way compatible with God or Godliness or Christianity or being a real true Christian..

-and i am torn-


I wish i can be like my friends... Just follow the money, follow the regular job and career, follow that well-prescribed life... then serve God in Church or be religious, read the bible pray everyday, go to Church every weekend... and everything will fall into place... and be such a great true Christian through it all...

It's just that my desires are not that simple, not that regular, not that easy to have and still have it jive with serving God in Church or being religious, or just be spritual by reading the bible pray everyday, go to Church every weekend...

AND... I think, it's not so easy, and it's not enough... because.... being a Christian is so, so, so much more that doesn't just call for service, or reading the bible and praying everyday, going to Church on Sunday, or serving in a church council, or being religious. Because, to be a true Christian means for me to die to myself, my desires, my dreams-- and for Christ to live in me-- THAT is what it means if you really really really want to be a true Christian.

And that is my fundamental Christian belief in what "Christian" means, and requires-- there's no way around it, or lie to yourself about it, or negotiate-- because if you go back to the word of God, you will see that requirement.

So where does my desire play in that? The two does not jive, Elaine, it will never jive-- You cannot seek one and still have the other. You cannot want one and still think you're faithful to the other. Because you can only serve one master in your life.


I want to be a someone who knows in my heart of heart that I believe in God and in Christ and I believe the love of God, and I believe in loving others and serving others, and in serving God and showing and giving the love of God to others... But that's not being a Christian, not a totally real true Christian anyway...

I think my friends got the one thing right though, I think that through it all... they're happy with where they're at... somehow, they seeked God the right away and it has led them there, to where they're happy...

I want to be happy, God, and to be content.. I don't even know if dreaming what I dream would get me there.. I just want to be happy...

It is terrible to be born with dreams and be born with a belief in those dreams. It's better to just let dreams be dreams and believe that dreams will always be dreams and just get on with life... It's much simpler that way, much easier.



"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

"but I gave them this command: Obey me, and I will be your God and you will be my people. Walk in all the ways I command you, that it may go well with you."
Jeremiah 7:23

"But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well."
Luke 12:31

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."
Philippians 1:21