my greatest regret is that I fell in love with Japan. If I hadn't, I'd have tried so much harder to stay in America. It's my regret because only now in retrospect that I realize that it was in America that I was truly happy...
There are many things in life and that life offers. I want to believe that. I still do. I want to believe that nothing is final.. that life can change and you're not stuck in vain. I still believe that. And that is the little light that I hold onto everyday as I go through life here... do what I must...
I'm 25 and I don't know what I want in life. Perhaps it's a good thing though it probably isn't-- but we can make the best out of a bad situation can we not?
When i texted Michelle today (it's lovely i can still txt America haha), I asked her if she remembered that night when we went to see Reuben's Accomplice and we were sitting in the lounge... It was two weeks before i had to leave america (probably forever) but at that moment in that night sitting there with her trying to keep warm while the band played outside, it was as if I had my whole life to live moments like that with her, when in truth the dream was so close to its end...
The juxtoposition of life lately has been great. The duality, the dichotomy, that I feel everyday... it's just so weird you know... It's not that I don't like teaching, but there's just this whole other me too that is completely lost and ignored in my job and i don't like that-- it feels like suffocation, it feels like a lie, it feels like complete hipocrisy.
But then again....
It's weird that Elaine would quote something like this and chee woh will probably say "wth?" or "such a hypocrite!" but...
"We know that all things work together for the good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28
I was just in the bathroom the other day and I just wondered "it's odd but nothing terribly bad has ever happened to my family..."
I suppose I said too soon.
I suppose I said too soon.
I think I've always lived a carefree life about money because my parents never made me have to worry about it... Whether wrong or right, it has been done and it has both its good and bad...
And I never like worrying abt money.
I can't say that my worries abt this is not at all Selfish but it is... My worries are very selfish because I don't want my lifestyle to change. I'm too comfortable...
I just want my life to be exactly the way it is, and the only life I have to worry about is myself-- therefore I can simply just take actions and make decisions based on my interest alone-- entirely selfish you see, but yes, in my heart, that's what I feel.
But things happen, I suppose, and life can't always be what it is.
I don't know, i guess my family has always been relatively stable and it was always okay at the end of the day... And i suppose now when things might not be the same anymore, I just wish i had the luxury of not having to worry about my life that is out of my control... I have been spoilt perhaps by the perfect life I had when the only thing I had to worry about is myself.
So my dad in preperation (instead of trying to solve his job problems) arranged a contact for me.. A local artist who is interested in band promos, concerts, etc... And I'm to call this guy tomorrow... My dad mentioned to him what I want to do, but i wonder if he mentioned I am also looking for a job. Hmm.
Funny thing is that, today i went with my supervisior Mrs Tan, to the Education Ministry to submit some forms for approval of the courses I am teaching... I was just standing in the office there and I just felt this feeling in me...
I've not been going to church much lately nor have i been faithfully praying, but just standing there in that moment in that office, I really prayed to God that please... i want something else with my life. I really really love teaching and all that, but there's just WHOLE OTHER ME, the part of me that is dying to live, that I have to censor everyday at work... I can't live like that, I can't live that lie anymore. I want something else, somewhere else where I feel more complete, more Elaine, more who I am.
But today was also the first day that sitting there with Mrs Tan, I really do love her you know. She's like a mom to me in college but I always felt "oh man..."... but today sitting with her and seeing her holding this massive burden all on her own and trying so hard to make everything work... I really wished to stay on just for her... so that I wouldn't be abadoning her...
I don't know......
I think as much as i fail to go to Church, or faithfully pray each day...
I want to believe and I do believe in my heart of hearts that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who has been called according to His will...
I really do believe that... that something good will come out of all these... We just don't know when and what yet... But if we just believe in God and we just follow what God sets for us, I believe that in the end, it will all work out...
I believe.
I guess I'm not just talking about missing America and wanting to return... But about life in general and what it is and what i want so much to believe it can be. That WILL be. We... I... just need to find a way to get there.
I don't know what to do. I don't know where I want to be. I just hope that I'll get there, whereever that may be.
Elaine
-held up with holding on and on and on-
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