at least back then i understood and knew what i feel. these days i don't even know anymore. at least back then it was defined, these days everything's just in a blur and vague.
desires caught between uncertainties, decisions pressing to be made, time limits and makes things worse, indecisions messing things up further with procrastination because of fear to move forward incapacitated by the inability to act. compounded by guilt that comes with responsibility and accountability and expectations towards and from loved ones.
what to do with myself, i don't know anymore. at least once i knew if i felt like dying, breaking down, finding strength to stand up again and move forward. these days... i just don't know, and that's the truth and that's all i can say is that I don't know.
At least back then i knew that i needed to be saved. i wanted to be saved. by someone. something. at least back then i knew for certain if i wanted to live or die or at least just hurt myself a little. these days i feel like just sleeping in bed not wanting to think or to act or to feel anymore because i am so confused. i don't want to make decisions anymore for me or for anyone because the choices i can't see, i can't seem to choose from, can't seem to like, to hope in, to want, to desire after, to know for certain: yes, this is what i want. I can't, i can't seem to do that, can't seem to see that, can't see to grasps that moment of completeness within myself and from life.
I can't seem to talk to God anymore about this. Not that i've lost faith in God but in Life. Not in my life, cause my life is good, i've been blest, but in like Life as an entity that grant and controls destinies and happiness and the outcome of the paths you choose. I've been very dissapointed with that. All the outcomes of actions and decisions that i had made in hopes that it would have been the best ones because it was done with the sincerest heart or with a heart that believed in that Life, believed in the Beauty that could be achieved... or so i thought, and so i thought wrongly.
I've not lost the ability to dream. but I've lost the ability in believing that those dreams can come true.
and towards that end i stare into the blankness of a future I can't seem to define. and into that indefinate i feel that all is... all is unfulfilling. all my options now lead to something that will lead me to something I won't seem to be happy doing for a long period of time... In other words, all my options, are not my passion. and i'm feeling as if there has been something dug out from something apart from me... that I am not happy with these choices, i am happy to a certain degree, but i know... that it is not my first love... and there lies the birth of my feeling that the future, thus, looks bleak, and blank-- for in the future, this future that all my paths now will lead to, does not untimately lead to my heart....
and that emptiness of knowing this, makes me feel very uncertain, confused, incomplete, unfulfilled, even right now... because i know that that fulfillment, would not be there in the future even.
so why bother?
yet, i can't seem to die, because i feel that it's too stupid to wanna die since life is once and life is long and life is for you to live and try to make something from it, to be wasted by killing yourself.
thus my uncertainties of my feelings of how i feel right now.
at least back then although i was stupid, at least i knew exactly what i wanted... and not like this, not like now, not knowing at all...
needlessto say. this feeling sucks.
Do i blame God? i guess it's fair trade. For a good life, i get a shitty personality riddled with a million flaw... Elaine, you can never have EVERYTHING GOOD in life, it just wouldn't be well, fair, that way.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
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