And it's sad, but true
Out of cash and I.O.U's
I remember luis singing that to me. it was a day i was taking the bus with him in the morning after i had stayed over at his place after a show. LA underneath overcast skies the sun yet to shine too bright.
music dates so much of my memories. when i woke up in aunt mei's place that first morning feeling that this was beautiful. mr children with aya in the sunset. brand new outdoors at kimmel and feeling like home with Matt, Michelle, Luis. northstar in summer walking down reseda. brand new and mom's first visit A Blink-182, 5 years reason why america dream come true with Michelle, Jessica and Johnny. Saves the Day and Allison around LA taking poloriod pictures. Days Away, SoCo screaming at Palladium with Michelle. Salt Lake City. Denver. Friends. Nicole and New Found Glory a Universal Amphiteater... and yes, movielife was there too... Joanna between Sunset and Hollywood after Blink. Finch at Soma, Palace the glue that held us together. I met them all there... either Finch or..... taking back sunday, always taking back sunday, spring, summer, fall and missed winters. new years, with everyone... really.... and so many, many, many more that memories fail within months because they were always there... the music, the bands, the friends....
how can you ask me to move that easily when this IS home. The past weeks hanging out with friends and saying goodbyes, you can't say that this wasn't home, you know. It just wasn't a university experience, it was life, and it is life that you're asking me to say goodbye to. to drop and go that easily. and i can't do it. i wanted to stay in america till december because i couldn't say goodbye to my friends, i didn't want to leave them... and in so many ways i should just stay with Michelle instead of relocating and have the time of my life for the next few months instead of worrying.
what is the measure of life in the end? It is measured by our own yardstick, really, and i have found myself to have lost sight of what MATTERS to me... and in so many ways, that job in Boston is NOT it. and yet.
I always want to feel like part of this was mine.
I was going to Ventura Blvd the other day, to get the bracelet i lost in the Taking Back Sunday mosh pit. It's called an affrimation bracelet, and it was "believe" that i go.
I was on the bus and i didn't know what to listen to, and so i simply scroled and on it's own so happen, Jimmy Eat World's Praise Chorus played... and there's a line in that song that went "I always want to feel like part of this was mine"
and i was thinking about Joanna, Michelle, Jessica, Nikki and Luis who were coming all the way up to Northridge to see be before i left, and i remembered all the times i had spent with them... and at that moment it dawned on me that I WAS part of it. It was MINE. As much as i wished that i was, that i could have been in the LA emo punk scene, the whole ride, the whole life i had longed to have in america, as much as i wished i had it... truth is that i DO have it. I WAS PART OF IT. and THAT is something no one can ever take away from me... Looking into the eyes of all those friends who actually came, who remembers so much of the stuff that we did, who had never treated me as an outsider, whom i met when i first got here and welcomed me into their world and made me PART OF IT, I know for sure.... I was in the heart of it all... Like the whole britpop thing i missed, i missed... But this, this life, this life here for SURE, i know, i was part of it...
and i am really sorry i have to leave... because believe me, i would have rather stayed here till the bittersweet ending... because i know that the friends that i met and have over here, and all my experiences in LA... has made this place, truly, HOME and LIFE for me for the past 2 1/2 years...
I love you, and you will always be part of my heart till will stay fond with me, always.
jaa, mata aimasu...
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