at least back then i understood and knew what i feel. these days i don't even know anymore. at least back then it was defined, these days everything's just in a blur and vague.
desires caught between uncertainties, decisions pressing to be made, time limits and makes things worse, indecisions messing things up further with procrastination because of fear to move forward incapacitated by the inability to act. compounded by guilt that comes with responsibility and accountability and expectations towards and from loved ones.
what to do with myself, i don't know anymore. at least once i knew if i felt like dying, breaking down, finding strength to stand up again and move forward. these days... i just don't know, and that's the truth and that's all i can say is that I don't know.
At least back then i knew that i needed to be saved. i wanted to be saved. by someone. something. at least back then i knew for certain if i wanted to live or die or at least just hurt myself a little. these days i feel like just sleeping in bed not wanting to think or to act or to feel anymore because i am so confused. i don't want to make decisions anymore for me or for anyone because the choices i can't see, i can't seem to choose from, can't seem to like, to hope in, to want, to desire after, to know for certain: yes, this is what i want. I can't, i can't seem to do that, can't seem to see that, can't see to grasps that moment of completeness within myself and from life.
I can't seem to talk to God anymore about this. Not that i've lost faith in God but in Life. Not in my life, cause my life is good, i've been blest, but in like Life as an entity that grant and controls destinies and happiness and the outcome of the paths you choose. I've been very dissapointed with that. All the outcomes of actions and decisions that i had made in hopes that it would have been the best ones because it was done with the sincerest heart or with a heart that believed in that Life, believed in the Beauty that could be achieved... or so i thought, and so i thought wrongly.
I've not lost the ability to dream. but I've lost the ability in believing that those dreams can come true.
and towards that end i stare into the blankness of a future I can't seem to define. and into that indefinate i feel that all is... all is unfulfilling. all my options now lead to something that will lead me to something I won't seem to be happy doing for a long period of time... In other words, all my options, are not my passion. and i'm feeling as if there has been something dug out from something apart from me... that I am not happy with these choices, i am happy to a certain degree, but i know... that it is not my first love... and there lies the birth of my feeling that the future, thus, looks bleak, and blank-- for in the future, this future that all my paths now will lead to, does not untimately lead to my heart....
and that emptiness of knowing this, makes me feel very uncertain, confused, incomplete, unfulfilled, even right now... because i know that that fulfillment, would not be there in the future even.
so why bother?
yet, i can't seem to die, because i feel that it's too stupid to wanna die since life is once and life is long and life is for you to live and try to make something from it, to be wasted by killing yourself.
thus my uncertainties of my feelings of how i feel right now.
at least back then although i was stupid, at least i knew exactly what i wanted... and not like this, not like now, not knowing at all...
needlessto say. this feeling sucks.
Do i blame God? i guess it's fair trade. For a good life, i get a shitty personality riddled with a million flaw... Elaine, you can never have EVERYTHING GOOD in life, it just wouldn't be well, fair, that way.
If only you were here
Things would be more magical
If i were there
Right now would be more radical
Youre so not near
Im wishing i could place a call
And feel closer to you
The miles of air and road and land
That separate me from all my plans
Were havin' havin' havin' havin' fun
But something something tells me i miss someone
B-but i hope hope hope you didn't forget me i couldn't
Forget you the whole time i always knew i knew
Say that youre into me just let me know how it will be
If you dont know dont say so
Ill wait till the perfect time think of all the perfect lines
Ill make sure if i let you know
Weve got movies on our list to see
Things to do just you and me
Calls to make from here to there and back
Weve got fun to have and days to spend
Stars to see or just pretend
At least for now just keep things right on track
well fucked up with akio again. but there's no time this time to mend the gap that divides. and there IS a gap indeed. at least, i couldn't look into his eyes. and the spaces that we once had, had changed. distant he was. scared i was.
jumping to conclusions
made me fall away from you
choking. when you want to hold on to that one thing you hold so tight that you choke it to death. choking. and the one impulse, that insecurity being afraid of losing somehthing... someone, is the one impulse that fucks it all up and make you lose that one thing you were afraid to be without.
Shimmy shimmy quarter turn
I feel like I will never learn.
Maybe this is as good as it gets.
I was talking to Rie the other day and as always bitching to her about Akio and how he's too busy to meet me, and she said she agreed that it's sad but she also told me to look at it in the sense that I already got to spend alot of time with him during the whole Grand Canyon trip. Karen said the same thing to me.
And you know the other day i was bitching to Ching Mun about Akio and how i didn't trust Akio about the whole party thing was because he's been abit cold towards me. And she told me to not let the bad things overshadow the good times we had but instead let the good times we had overshadow the bad things... and u know i guess, she's right...
maybe this is as good as it gets.
Maybe, that was as good as it got.
I just miss the space that we share. i miss the space that we had, or at least, the space that i know for sure we had the capable of having if only, maybe if only... i had more time.
I remember that we, akio and i, were also going through one of those dry spells the other time. Because he was having some personal problems and he became quite quiet and withdrawn (than the usual smiling akio), so we weren't talking much at that time. And i remember telling myself that maybe that evening when we sat outside the library talking, and he didn't go for gym that day so he decided to stay with me for abit longer. And we were just sitting outside there for an hour talking. I don't like the evening sun but it was a pleasant light that day and the breeze was blowing and I remember him sitting beside me and we were talking about relationships and the people we wanted and wished for and all that.... And during the time when we were going through that dry spell i remember telling myself "you know, maybe that was as good as it got..." and really, i should be happy with that. I should be you know...
But God was good... And i had one more moment with him. The space with him that i liked, I got that experience that again when he joined us that night for Star Wars. I was still kinda not talking to him even till the very moment we went to pick him up from his house (err, cause of something ler)... But while we stood there waiting in line and while we were in the theater waiting for the show to start, it was like before again, you know. We were like how I liked us being: joking around, flirting around (heh), and just having fun you know, just talking and being friends. Like how we sat there and he was getting sleepy and i told him to go sleep first for 45 mins before the show started. Then he said to me "no, you entertain me." and i was like "how?" and he said, "tell me i look cool," and i was like "ouh mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn." ^^ u know, that's how we are and i really like that.... and i really miss that... and i'm really gonna miss the opportunity to be able to exist on a moment like that with him again...
and i guess that's as good as it gets.
as good as it gets that night sitting outside the hotel room at Grand Canyons and we talked for a few hours and how he would pout cause i wouldn't listen to his advice, or how he stood there above me and i asked him "so how akio???" and he replied, "What do you want me to do elaine?"
as good as it gets that night in the hotel room and we were playing around on the bed and he was angry with me for something and he was trying to push me off the bed...
As good as it gets the first time we hung out together before i left for Japan and we had sat there in the library and he was booking the hotels for me. how he was worried and asking me to get stuff organized and how he looked at me and at the computer screen worriedly that he was sending me packing off to hell.
As good as it gets that night we went for chinese food and talked and as we walked back to the campus at night. As good as it gets him walking me back home that night when no one (without a car anyway) has ever done that for me. such a gentleman.
As good as it gets the time we got to go shopping. as good as it gets the times we went out for movies. as good as it gets how I don't like him smoking and i'm always complaing about that. As good as it gets those times i would not let him walk faster than me. As good as it gets those times he always accompanied me when i needed him or when i called him and if he could, he would always come see me, even if it's just for 15 minutes. as good as it gets all those evenings i'd call him after RS class and I'd meet him for abit before he left for gym. as good as it gets all those times I pouted and wouldn't let him leave...
as good as that was, it is over now.
maybe i should just hold on to that, and cherish that...
because maybe, that's the best that I can get.
inability to stay mad at akio for long. no matter what the hurt. no matter the degree of pain. i mean if u really care for someone, u don't try to make them hurt and don't try to be trouble to them... right?
So i am a music junkie. i love music. music is almost my life. haha. erm.. I admit i am not diverse in the music i listen to. but i dare say that i am a music junkie more than the average fella on the street. except those with iPods? hehe... dunno maybe. maybe not. maybe we're the same. but here's no competion. here's to writing (or blogging) what music means to me in my life.
I consume music for feel good reasons. what i look for in songs are how loopable it is. songs that are more loopable the better it is.. to me at least. I remember when Blink's Rock Show came out, i looped it the whole night, even while i was not in the room. Currently i think Asian Kung Fu Generation's Rashinban (Compass) is on number one loop with 175. But of course, dats little.
Another thing i look for in great tunes (and bands) are how uplifting a song is. I love songs when you are feeling damn down, you put in the song and immiediately it hits u or at least it has a healing or purging effect on u. So this then includes angry songs.. heh. or loud songs. but no necessarily have to be loud or angry. That's why i love a good rock song, that's upbeat, melodic (at times), has never ending driving basslines, ascending riffs, loaded power chords, etc. Love those songs. But dis is also why sometimes, i am only attracted to slower songs if they mean alot to me, or if like, i am in that kind of mood and it reflects how i feel so that in the reflection i may find my peace or pacify whatever that's inside me.
I love songs that are like a breath of fresh air. First play and it hits you and knocks the breath out of you.... they are like "OUH MAN. WOW". those types are the most awesome that makes you wonder "where the hell have i been before this song?!" love those love those. knocks the breath out of u, lifts you up, soar with them and die with them... rare, but these songs are usually the begining of a long and beautiful.... obsession, wuahahaha. I love Ash, Oasis, Asian Kung Fu Generation and some random songs here and there for this very reason.
I love songs that have a fucking good hook. Whatever it is. The hook can just come in the form of a riff, or a solo (like Ash's Petrol), or it can come from the lyrics that mean alot to me, can come in the form of driving basslines, or a continuous punch of chords and words (like AKG's Sono Wake O beautiful, beautiful), can come in the simple form of an added instrument here and there like a xylaphone or a second guitar (i like Wonderwall's bridge for that, Ash's Stormy Waters), or the use of multiple guitars that just seem to make love to each other and blend in oh so beautifully! or the use of double vocals, or a very sudden melodic line (like Blink's "She left me roses by the stairs" <-- That one line, ouh man, was the VERY BEGINING of this whole long ride with punkrock and emo that ultimately became this American dream thing), dancy tunes, upbeat music, incredible bass, etc.
So what songs mean to me. Songs are cure to a fucking broken heart. when a fucking guy breaks my heart (like fucking last night) shove in Finch and hear Nate's scream and i felt a little alright. Or like today, shoved Hellogoodbye Shimmy Shimmy Quarter turn and i found a little strength to say "FUCK YOU, FUCK OFF, FUCKER" to akio a little better... Oddly enough, Hellogoodbye is the happy song and Finch is the angry one ne.
Songs are there to dance, to pacify an angry soul. to find peace within one's self. a way to calm the angry voice. a way to give voice to the anger. a way to give voice to the feelings we feel and maybe hide and bury inside. songs are ways to die and to live and to die and drown and be lifted up above yourself and all the shit and feel happy even thought it's just a fucking melody that had inspired that smile on your face and the fucking calmness inside your heart. Songs are to make you dance, to make you cry, to inspire, to hide, to tell, to speak, to calm, to make, to dream, to help you along the way when there's only you and you and you and you and you and you alone with and against yourself and the world. that is the beauty of a melody that captures.
I want to look for a guy that is like a Hellogoodbye song. Someone who is and makes it fun, happy, dancy to be with him but not necessary someone who means alot to me.
Taking Back Sunday guys/friend are people who are fun to be with yet means alot to me. All my TBS friends include Michelle, Luis, another Michelle and Melissa... and all my concert friends over here.
Finch people are those who mean alot to me and there's heaviness to being with them, a love yet a pain and hurt but an attraction and a longing to be with them. And yet when you are with them, the world fades and all you remember and feel, is how wonderful it still is... to be with them.... As yet, i don't know of any Finch people.
Anyways, i have my songs, i have my bands that mean something to me, to suit the moods that i have, and i have fucking moods i tell you. I have my pop mood, i have my emo moods, i have my dance moods, i have my need to inspire moods, i have my angry moods, i have my heartbroken need to be mended moods, i have my wanting to die and need to be saved moods, i have my happy moods, my depression, my obsessions, my feel good songs, my feel like Malaysia songs, my feel like Japan songs, my feel like America songs, my feel like England song, my don't feel like anything at all songs, my nostalgic songs, my beautiful songs...
They are alll theme songs, you know what i mean? i can't seperate the story of my life, the PERIODS of my life without music. Every period that punctuate my life is punctuate, marked, told and live through music and songs that have become the themes and bookmarks that tells the story of my life. I can't extract the experiences of my life from music. every melody, every band, every song, every song that has been loopped a thousand times over, is woven like a pattern into my life. i simply cannot cannot remove them. sure i move from one band to another (except for the constant Ash! hehe), but you know, i cannot look back and tell you or anyone specifically, THAT ONE BAND is my favourite band of all time. That is just simply IMPOSSIBLE. I can tell you the giants of my life: Nirvana, Hole (cause Courtney Love was my role model in those formative teenage age of 12-14), Oasis, Ash, Blink 182, New Found Glory, Finch, Taking Back Sunday, Asian Kung Fu Generation (perhaps)... Those are my giants because they had either changed the course of my life or influenced it tremendously or were the anthems of that period of my life.
I went to a Days Away show once in Baltimore and they played Keep Your Voices Down which at this time was still an unknown song cause it was not on any EPs, it was available only on download which thankfully, i did download. Anyway before Keith played Keep Your Voices Down, he told the story abt a dream he had that inspired Keep Your Voices Down.
In his dream he was hanging out at a neighbors house back in Philadelphia. They were all there just chilling. Then someone came up to him and slit his throat open. And he remember being there bleeding. And he remember feeling the blood in his hands as he was going to the hospital. And while he lay bleeding and dying, he sees a vision of none other than Tim (hehe) and he had this while light shining from behind him. And Tim asks him "So, how does dying feel like?"
And Keith, in his smile, said to Tim:
"It feels like a good song man, it feels like a good song."
So a good song indeed, you need, when you REALLY ACTUALLY feel like dying...
and that's why i love music.
and that's what music means to me.
???? ,
actually i amnot okay not seeing you before you leave. but i guess that wasn't up to me, it was up to you. and i guess that's life. whatever it gives, you have to take.
i have enjoyed spending time with you. i guess it hurts more because i had fun with you. and i just didn't like the fact that i never got to experience it again, that's all. but i guess, i should be happy with what i had. Thank you for all the times you had spent with me and being so kind and nice to me. I mean this from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being a brother to me and looking out for me and taking care of me. I'm glad i met you this semester and had you there at least for this semester when i needed that someone to be there for me. You mean alot to me because you really did keep me company this semester, and i guess i should be happy about that, even if...
i wish it was the same for you... except i guess i'm sad cause maybe, it wasn't... but oh well, that's life, right? can't always have people be like what you want them to be.
Well, I hope you have a good time back in Japan. I hope you find a nice girl who will take care of you =) or well, i just hope you have a good time back there and you will be happy.
Maybe i'll see you again in Japan in December?
????????????????????????????
?????????????????????
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Maleosaurous: see how things go and stuff
Maleosaurous: if we can get matt to come, but I'm sure he'll come
PERnant Ian: ouhhh mannnnn "if we can get matt to come" gossshhhh
PERnant Ian: i hope he does! geez!
Maleosaurous: haha
Maleosaurous: what is your take on matt?
Maleosaurous: what kind of person do you think he is?
Maleosaurous: as a singer, what do you think of him?
PERnant Ian: what's my take on matt??? i think he's a great vocalist, he can scream REALLLLLLLLLLLL good!!! ... just seems to me he's fucking distracted!! hehehehe ;-)
Maleosaurous: sing better than me?
PERnant Ian: wuahahhahahha...
PERnant Ian: wow u can ask a question like that huh!
PERnant Ian: my answer is.... why don't u ask the 4 others in the band to put on singing and matt drumming instead ;-)
Maleosaurous: :-PERnant Ian: sooooo... u think they won't agree???
PERnant Ian: ;-)
Maleosaurous: geeezzz, you didnt need to put it that way
Sometimes....... life can be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cruel....
I saw Finch's video Bitemarks and Bloodstains yesterday on MTV2 and i was just thinking how shitty, u know, all i want is a PICTURE with Nate... THAT's all!!! And i mean, how many times have i met him???? and STILL!!! and it was abit surreal to see him on TV and to think "hmmm seen him real life, actually seen him real life..."
anyways, waht i am bitching about this time is actually about the cruel twist of fate that i shud be so "close" to Nate, yet so fucking far. Degrees of seperation, that is...
Anyway, yeah... so here we're (me with Hung, the drummer) chatting about Endor getting back together again (yay! but MAKE IT QUICK DUDE!!!)... and the whole problem why it was hard to get back together cause of Matt and stuff... cause Matt wants to jam together to write songs, but dude, the last time i checked, it was cause Matt didn't show up for practice that Endor kinda ended up breaking up...
but well anyway, Matt is none other but Matt Barcalow, Nate's brother. And it's just both surreal and really FRUSTRATING at times u know, hearing stuff about something related to Nate or Matt that you know, you don't get out of websites or fan clubs..... and knowing and even talking with people who have Nate's phone number in their cellphones... but DUDE, all i want is a fucking PICTURE with Nate! but... no, i can't.
Kaiwen:
whatsup
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
feeling sad lor
Kaiwen:
huh
Kaiwen:
why sad wor
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
akio lor
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
why ppl treat me this way wan?
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
all i meant was niceness
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
:(
Kaiwen:
awww
Kaiwen:
what he do
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
he didn't do anything
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
dun call me
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
dun say hi anymore
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
last time he was such a good friend...
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
these days it's like he dun even treat me that way anymore :(
Kaiwen:
awwwww
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
i feel so sad :((
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
so dumped and used and betrayed
Kaiwen:
ah
Kaiwen:
no lahh
Kaiwen:
dont feel bad
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
no seriously
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
i mean... am i not his friend? i mean... he wants to see all his friend before he leaves for Japan
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
so what is this? am i not a friend? it's like, i feel so... left aside u know
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
just cause i have not known him long enough, etc
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
it's like... i'm not important enough or not as important as all the rest of his friends...
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
well i guess i am not.
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
that's all.
Kaiwen:
nolah
Kaiwen:
maybe he hasnt call u yet leh
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
he's leaving next week (i think) or who knows, this weekend
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
it's like i feel that lah... i mean i know i am no one special to him, but he's always treated me nice, u know, a good friend...
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
yet now, i feel like i truly know where i stand with him lah
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
and it's just heartbreaking... that's all.
Kaiwen :
maybe hes saving the best for last
Kaiwen:
hes leaving for good?
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
yeah! leaving for good u know
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
fuck the saving the best for last
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
it's totally NOT like that
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
i mean, sure, it might be cause i like him and i care for him... but u know... i just feel very hurt by the fact to know how much he thinks i am a friend...
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
for the past 4 weeks he's been going out with his "friends" and can't meet me..
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
what the fuck does that suppose to mean about ME u know..
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
fucking heartbreaking lah...
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
actually it's just fucking dissapointing and extremely hurting.
Kaiwen:
haihs
Kaiwen:
nobody said life was fair
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
i know
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
but dats not a fucking solution
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
it's just fucking hurting.
Kaiwen:
haihs
Kaiwen:
what to do la right
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
i want to hate him sooooooooooooooooooooo bad but i can't
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
i would help sooooooooooooo much if i just fucking said to him "fuck u, fuck off"
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
"fuck u, fuck off, fucker"... more like it
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
but i just can't
elaine... you can't go forcing something if it's just not right:
fucking hurting.
stupid bloody metro. riding metro my ass.
I must say, damn LA transportation is crap. sama kaki with Malaysia! hellz shit... Took me 1 hour today to go just 2.5 miles away from my home. Worse yet, it's just in neighboring city CHATSWORTH. took me 1 hour! and shit yet coming back home took me 1 1/2 hours. WHY????? cause i have to wait for 30 mins to take a bus that would take me just 5 minutes down the road where i have to change another bus to go another 5 minutes down another road.
SERIOUSLY. the past 5 days taking Michiko around LA and to Las Vegas by bus has been a fucking nightmare. Fuck man... To plan to go ANYWHERE in LA, we had to fucking take into consideration leaving the house AT THE VERY LEAST 1 1/2 hours before time... WHY???? cause we have to WAIT for the bus, then the damn bus takes HOURS to arrive at the destination..
This said, LOS ANGELES is a city made for CARS. if you don't have a car in LA, i recommend you NOT coming here.
screw the MTA seriously. I KNOW it does get me to where i want to go, but really, 30 mins wait for buses that are NEVER on schedule, busses are ALWAYS late, and when the bus FINALLY comes after waiting for it for 40 mins, there are TWO damn buses coming at the SAME TIME. screw that shit. and this is not like something that rarely happens, this shit happens ALL THE TIME!!! 2/3 of the time when u take a bus in LA this would probably happen. And if you find yourself waiting for a bus too long, like WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too long, almost 100% of the time this senario will happen.
shit MTA service. bleh!
so i've temporarily changed the design to
Hellogoodbye... cause i've been listening to them alot lately.
Anyway, hellogoodbye is a very very fun band. I like how they don't take themselves seriously but take what they do seriously.... or do they???
Forrest (the lead singer) has a way of making what he sings, the lyrics and all that, really.... juvenile, very.... erm... innocent. It's amazing. They're just a very fun band to listen to, and to dance to... very. There's really no feeling of anything but fun attached to their songs, and i like them for that.
Anyway... I've also been thinking of Tim of
Days Away.Tim has really been nice to me, you know, ever since day one. I still remember the first time I formally talked to him (i knew Tim back in April when i first met Days Away but i didn't know that it was Tim!). Anyway it was at Palladium and he was drunk. ha. Anyways, he asked if i always go for their shows. Since it was only my third DA show i told him "no". Then keith who was signing at the merch table said "Yeah, she goes all over for our shows, she came to Baltimore the other day." Anyways then Tim says, "Yeah i always see you rocking out at the front."... heh.
Well anyway.... I miss the whole band alot... Not met them for more than 8 months... since i never got to talk to them at the OTHER palladium show back in November last year... due to a shit thing on MY part. fuckk ok forget regrets think Hellogoodbye!
Anyways, yeah, Tim has always treated me nice. He was the one who told me to go down to Florida and he'll celebrate my 21st bday with me. Also like, Tim As drunk as he was, was always willing to take care of me, or at least, he watched out for me. He also gave me his phone number when Keith and Chris were not willing. And Tim always knew i liked Keith and always helped me out wuahahahaha. Damn Days Away are such cool dudes!!! And then when i got rejected by Paul and i called Tim (hehe), Tim told me to forget the dude and was being all so supportive... "do u want me to go kick his ass??" and he, knowing i liked Keith, asked if i wanna talk to keith (although it was a good method to get off the phone!!). And then when i gave him the keychain i got for him from Malaysia (i got everyone in the band a keychain), he gave me a big hug and then went to the van immiediately and pulled out the van keys so he could put the keychain on it ^^... ouh man i love Tim...
And then most of all, at the show at Troubadour when everyone was leaving. And i was really heh, sad with Keith cause well, he was like asking Candy to email him and all that (well of course since they do know each other wayyyyyyyyy longer). And i felt like really sad cause Keith is nice but u know, sometimes cold with me... Then as keith was walking to the van and we (Michelle, Candy and I) were walking away, suddenly i hear a loud scream "BYE ELAINE!!!!" And when i turned back it was Tim sticking his head out of the van waving bye to ME!!!
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... that was so sweet.. In a way! hehehe... no??? i mean no one else waved bye but he said bye... Damn!! I'm gonna miss Tim alot. I'm gonna miss the whole band alot.
so the dude sent me this:
what the fuck is that suppose to mean? I gotta meet many friends cause i am leaving. THEN WHAT THE FUCK AM I THEN??? NOT FRIEND????
i just feel very hurt by him... i guess i'm just not that much of a friend in his eyes then, am i?
i guess not.
always barking up the wrong tree humping the wrong pole elaine... always!
i mean... don't say i am a friend if you don't mean it... cause you're just gonna end up dissapointing me. you know... fuck it. you're just not a good song. you're just not a Hellogoodbye song.
i have a bone to pick with Journalism... whatever that word means the days.
I mean... i HATE journalism... Maybe i don't hate it, actually i don't. I hate it only because of the high demands and burn out rate of the field. besides that i think journalism is a very very exciting field to be in. The times when i have done reporting for Sundial has been very very challenging yet very rewarding in some sense. It's the only field that really, you're paid to learn about stuff. Paid to be a pain in the @$$ to your sources. Paid to talk to people. It's wonderful because if you really love reporting and believe in the social responsibility of the media, I think it's a wonderful role to play in help shaping/changing/helping society. It's wonderful.
Sure you have to specialize in knowing a field very thoroughly (such as either politics, business, technology, medics, travel, music, movies, cooking, etc) or at least be VERY WELL READ in EVERYTHING. And of course, you MUST have the PASSION (which i lack, therefore i am not going to practice journalism because my passion only comes when i actually feel the fun of reporting... often only AFTER the story is done).
But reflect that idealism with the reality of the situation is that news reporting these days is just shit.
why i say so is because of this.
1) Media ownership. Everything is owned, run and controlled by big businesses here in America. Editors don't let you run or even REPORT on stories that do not stand too well with advertizers and that's the plain truth. Bring this into the realm of social responsibility. You can't report on sweat shops, the unhealthy food industry, mcdonalds if anything because the advertisers are gonna come back and bite you in the ass, threaten to withdraw money through advertising for your paper. Social responsibility is dead in news reporting.
2) I read this
post on someone else's blog about how NST (yeah in Malaysia) interviewed him and then in the end misquoted him in the news article. This is NST for goodness sake you know! I got my ass fried by some stupid disability department for writing that some dude said that disable people have to "fit in with society" when he DID say that, u know. It's shit! And here you have NST blatantly skewing and misquoting facts and figures from a source!
You know the lack of integrity and the blant practice of "tidak apa attitude" of malaysian "journalism" (i can't even bring myself to use that word for the shit in our papers) is EXACTLY the reason why i don't want to practice journalism in Malaysia. i mean, if you're not gonna get the quotes right or the facts right, what's the point of writing it and reporting it in the first place???
you know, maybe the whole integrity shit that they taught in journalism classes are just idealistic guidelines meant to instill some sort of deluded pride in aspiring reporters.
I mean and don't even get me started about malaysian MAGAZINES....
man... I am SURE there are great Malaysian reporters out there, don't get me wrong, but i just don't get it that if i see such passion in these
PPS (project petaling street Malaysian blogsphere thing) bloggers that seems to posses the essense of qualities that makes a good journalist, the what's with this shit that we see in papers then??? Running news that are not newsworthy, being politically biased, not bothering to run fact checks, etc, and everybody seems to think that this is okay!
I wonder which is worse sometimes, the sensationalism of American news reporting or the downright disregard for facts in Malaysian reporting... or are they both as shitty..
It's stuff like that that's making people NOT trust the media. i'm always caught between a love and hate for journalism because i know how totally socially responsible journalists can be (i've seen and i know the people) and yet hate it for all the shit it churns out day by day.
There are people who think "wow a journalist" or "look dude, look at me, i'm so great cause i'm a journalist." Then there are people, like my good friend Ching Mun *wink* *wink* when i told her i was a journalism student she was like "oooo good lah, u can lie so well,"
it's just paradoxical!!!
Journalism has gotten itself a shit name these days. Yet i don't blame the people for having a mistrust in the media because Journalism IS shit these days.
go figure.
I'm gonna go become a fucking teacher.
wuahahahahaha. hm.
i don't understand akio. (hmm what's new).
i don't know if he's avoiding me, i think he is.
he's been giving excuses lately that he's too busy to go out and he will call me when he's free to go out, but he hasn't yet called. or when i do call him first he tells me he's still busy and he will call me when he's free to go out.
yet when i do msg him or when i call him, he replies or calls back... unlike cold turkey Ryota.
so it's left me very confused. is he mad at me? is he avoiding me? if he is then why did he tell me the other day to forget it (what i msged him if he was mad at me) and told me not to be so sensitive and that's nothing wrong? if he is avoiding me or he beh suka liao towards me then why did he call and ask if i was okay the other day after i had msged him and told him i was sorry if i always load my bullshit on him (meaning, i bitch to him too much about my problems)?
i really dun understand akio's actions. is he REALLY THAT busy for the past two weeks or are they just lame excuses to not wanna see me? My thinking and my conclusion is that I think it's the latter and he's just too damn polite to tell me the truth.
I think the big one is gonna hit California soon.... (hopefully not while i'm here, or at least... AFTER i finished my studies). There has been three earthquakes the past 1 week.... One near San Diego on Sunday (5.7 magnitude), one up north two days ago (7.0) and as i just predicted to friends yesterday... one here in Southern California (5.3).
But according to the geologist on TV right now, big ones usually wind down (bigger to smaller magnitutes) and not wind up... so i guess i can stay put huh!
Anyway, yeah i was sleeping, suppose to wake up at 3pm to do my Japanese homework (if i go for the class today), TV was tuned to A&E network, it was about the Waco Texas thing... Funny i kept drifting i and out of sleep cause i kept feeling the room shake but that always happen when busses drove past the house. So i didn't bother. Then i dunno, i woke up and was lying down and the room shook, a few seconds, like maybe 5 seconds, a litter harder and longer than the usual shake from the bus... then i waited for the sound of the bus to zoom past, but nothing. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... this time i didn't think that it was monsters beneath my bed (as i did the first time i experienced an earthquake here), and knew that it was an earthquake since it has constantly been on my mind (and on the news) anyway.
so i logged online to confirm it with my friends.
Michelle messaged me first. she asked me if i felt the shake.
yeap it was definitely an earthquake.
flipped to channel 63 CNN. and it was there: 5.3 magnitute Earthquake has hit Southern California.
whoa! i knew that when my teacher said to me that broadcast reporting was live and at the edge, i didn't think it would be THIS quick!
Bravo to journalism further when i logged onto yahoo and saw that they ALREADY had a story up. WRITTEN story, mind you.
Woah! i guess we writing reporters can kick them broadcast reporter's ass too! thanks to the internet of coz ;)
Welcome to the new edge of journalism.
for the better of course. Because i knew for sure that when i flipped the channel to CNN, i would get more information and confirmation of the earthquake. I actually also did that when the first quake i felt happened.
However, with that speed of reporting.... what would that do to the accuracy of reporting? What about fact checking? What about not jumping into conclusions just yet?
Does the need for information overide these safechecks that gives journalism its integrity?
anyway.
as for me... Journalism "graduate", i don't mind it, at least because 1) I got the information and assurance that i need and 2) hellz, it wasn't my neck on the line to have to report the news breaking story within the minute of the event! haha!
5) California here we come.
anyway here are some scapes of "california"... erm... okay, part of southern california.
these are from the Reagan Library at Simi Valley.
third street promenade at Santa Monica
going down the 101..... ahaha actually no, non of them were taken on the 101 freeway... it was on Wilshire or the 405.
One Wilshire!!! wow! hehehe
Sunset in Sunlight
Malibu.
SLK on the PCH... wuahahahha... such a "dream" come true... except that i am not suppose to be in the car NEXT to the SKL!!!! I shud be the one DRIVING the SKL down the Pacific Coast Highway!!!
Surfer dudes at Ventura....
Santa Barbara.
Farmer's Market at the Northridge Mall.
alvera St... this is where LA originated.
and finally....
LOS ANGELES!
I hate to say this but i am a sucker for Los Angeles... I came here to chase a dream and i feel that... i dunno... i like being in LA because it reminds me of how surreal life can be.... i love seeing the LA skyline and being able to call that home or
had the chance, perhaps, to call that home...
4) Day Out at Hermosa
Well on the last day my brother was here, we wanted to go Catalina Island... Cause we couldn't get a ticket back we ended up not going. So, my brother, Norika, Josh and I ended up just loitering around the South Bay area and we ended up at Hermosa Beach (cause i've gone to Redondo before, we decided on Hermosa).
All we did that day was walkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk and i do mean WALKKKKKKKK cause the whole damn coastline were occupied by private houses and there was no a single cafe by the seaside. But anyway, after that we just chilled out by the beach...
It was a good day, it was abit cloudy (as always) at first, but it became hot, but the breeze was blowing so it was also cool to just lay down on the sand, which was exactly what we did.
can u believe it that even on the beach they had all these banners being flown by planes across the beach for ADVERTIZING????
gosh u can't even be out at the beach without being bombarded by advertising... and it's not just ONE plane u know, there were MULTIPLE planes flying around with adverts!
2) GRADUATION!
there's a song by Third Eye Blind... i always remember those words "can i graduate!" hmmmm...
anyways, so... an american graduation was really an american graduation. my poor parents wore such nice garments for the event and then i told them "mom, u have to sit on bleachers". yeap. so it was outdoors.
And then we had the whole do, mexican waves, twice, and a 99cent store beach ball bouncing around all during graduation speeches. go america! geez.
anyways... the experience was... abit surreal... the surreal part when was they were playing that song (i dunno the name but the one u hear on TV shows everytime u see an american graduation) and we were all walking in and all these ppl were talking videos (like my bro). Reminded me of Reality Bites u know....
and it's scary cause i am 23 and everything i had watched on Reality Bites about these people who's lines were mottos i lived by since i was 14, suddenly became so... real... and so scary i guess... because i am a graduate at 23... and really... "i always thought i was going to be somebody at the age of 23"... "honey the only thing you can be is yourself..."..."I don't even know who's that anymore."
and u know what? those lines... rings so VERY true... i was more certain about myself and what i wanted in life when i was 14 when i first watched Reality Bites than i do right now at 23, a so-called, graduate.
Actually... the part i didn't like most abt graduation was how my parents felt. I was sitting there and the president of my university started point out like these 5 people graduating and talked about their achievements and shit. (my brother thought this was really bad taste). And i really hated the university for doing that. Fuck u for pointing out that 0.5% of graduates who did REALLY exceptionally well because u know what?? it had NOTHING do do with the university. It was their fucking personalities. And it was just shit that the stupid president was praising these FIVE people and how do u think the rest of the graduate feel?? it's like u think this is ur WONDERFUL day cause u FINALLY get to graduate u know, and then what does the university do? indirectly they show u how much u have FAILED instead of how much u have achieved...
and the bad part abt that is how do the parents feel u know? that their kids weren't "as good".
I felt fucking bad for my parents. Cause u know, they probably waited for this day for like YEARSSSSSS u know.. and more than that they've sacrificed EVERYTHING that they had for this one moment. And what do they get out of it? what is it worth? to me, it's worth nothing. I pity them because they came soooooooo far, did soooooooo much just for that moment only to have it be like that... only to see that i was ONE graduate out of like a school of what? 500 people... what's the pride in that??? what's the POINT in that?
That's why i mean like, my dad kept wanting to go back to the university after my graduation to take pictures (actually i FORGOT to take one with him on my graduation day, poor dad) and i kept thinking "what for?"... It's not only cause i felt embrassed or lazy but i felt like... what's the point? what's there to capture? it's not a great achievement u know.. it's not like i graduated with honors, top of my class, valedictorian or anything like that. WHat's the point?
I feel sorry for my parents because really, in my eyes, i have achieved nothing at all....
and apparently, my mother saw that too.
So a bunch of things have been happening for the past few weeks... Namely cause my parents and my brother came over for my graduation...
My brother was here a couple of days before my parents cause it was memorial day weekend and so he had time off class to come early from phily. So anyways, with my brother we went a couple of places... Hollywood (yada yada, did that in 5 minutes and we didn't know what to do after), Santa Monica the next day with Norika and Josh and then the night my parents arrived, my brother and i went to House of Blues on Sunset for dinner... My brother enjoyed that night (i think it was cause of the steak ;))
Anyway... so i will post pictures chornological...
1) The Grand Canyon.
the river that u see is the Colorado River....
hehehehe... the definition of our relationship.... see how much i love him and see how much he....
erm... for stuff with Akio, it's too long to blog... do ask me.
So i went on a 3 day trip to Grand Canyons with my family and with Akio... We drove there and believe me it was a damn long ride.
But it was WELL WORTH IT.
Dude, Grand Canyon is beyond grand! it takes your breath away really!!!!! You just gotta see it for yourself ok.... it just puts everything into scale. hahah or OUT OF SCALE!
anyway, cause this post is gonna be a LONG post, i'm gonna skip all the details... if u wanna know what happened.... come chat with me online and ask me there...
Also... in the way to Grand Canyon, I finally saw.....
The REAL London Bridge!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Right in the middle of ARIZONA that is!
