ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

well my fortune cookie said today "good things come to those who wait. be patient"

i guess it's applicable but i know know what for... maybe for everything.... i don't know.

Well anyway, going to Japan tomorrow and i don't really know how to feel about it. I think it's like an excitement that is overwhelmed with nervous anxiety of not knowing what to expect or feel.
It's just that, i guess i do like japan, you know, and i guess i do like japan alot. And i just don't know what to expect out of this or how it really will be like.

WELL OK HOPEFULLY THINGS WILL GO WELL. I'll see you all soon!

elaine

well i gave ryota the letter, and then i saw him again later (like around 6)... no reaction.

he's breaking my heart so much... i don't know... i just feel like sleeping. i have to go get that hotel in fukuoka and tokyo yet i'm not cause i am really depressed.

i want to hate you so bad but i can't.

i actually feel like dying because for once... like... i can't do anything anymore. and all that i did do didn't even end up doing anything. it's not even like sway him or whatever i don't care about that reaction. i just want some SORT of reaction you know, that's all, because i hate it when i can't do anything...

and i guess pirre is right, that i have done all i can and now it's up to him to do something... but it's just that i...

nothing...

betsuni.

i guess i just do like having him around thats all, and i do like how he is and i just think... that.... he's just really a fun person to be with when i am with him, that's all... and i guess i miss that... even like, meeting him for that 5 minutes... and just.... having him there, and we could talk and joke.... it was nice you know, it was really, really nice.... and i just like that feeling with him... and i just hope that it won't end that's all....

nothing gold can stay.

i should have known better that anything, or everything good, will always one day end. i should have anticipated this. but i did not and now...

and now...

this is how i feel.

i don't like romaji.

sure chigatta sono gosa ni kitte hatte
mushou ni tatakiwatta sono wake wo tsune zune sagashiteru

zurete shimatta sono asa ni hisshi ni natte
mushou ni hiki chigitta shunkan wo kuyande naiteru dake

kokoro ni hibikanu kotoba
boku dake mou imi wo ushinau dake

kowashite yo

uru haru, mebukanu mama ni
sekai to tsunagu no wo yoshite shimau
fusagaru tedate
yureru hari susumanu mama ni
dare ka hirou no wo, soshite tsunagu no wo matte n da

kokoro ni hibikanu kotoba
boku dame mou imi wo ushinau dake

hibiki kedo todokanu kotoba
kimi datte mou boku wo wasureru dake

kowashite yo
omoi dashite yo
kabe kowashite yo
omoi dashite yo

Hey, sorry for not replying to you. I'm seeing my professor at 5:30 or
6pm
tomorrow to ask the mid term essay in RS. I have a test in computer
class
on thursday. As you know, I got a C- on the mid term test in the
computer
class so I really gotta prepare for the test. I'm sorry but I need to
take
care of myself. I don't have the time to teach or speak Japanese with
you
this week.


so it's like. whatever you know. whatever. i gave eiji the songs yesterday, that reminds me of him... actually it's only Mayonaka to Mahiru no Yume that reminds me of him but i put in Juliana Theory's erm... The Closest Thing also, cause that's what i wish.. but, anyways i did it cause i had to do it because i can't back down on something, you know waht i mean? even if it doesn't mean anything anymore.
And i have that letter to give to Ryota and i do still want to give it BEFORE i leave... and i guess i'll just have to find a way to get it to him i guess...
and i guess... i do shit like that because i need closure, and i am not one who's comfortable with longing all the time, and God, if for this once, i just want to do it cause i want to get this feeling over with...

fuck you (you do know that it's not you) and fuck it all.

well he hasn't replied any of my emails and so i don't know if we'll meet tomorrow. why, ryota?

jounetsu no rashinban wa kimi no mune ni wa arimasu ka?

if you do have a compass of passion.... DUDE, POINT IT TO ME, crap.

I found out that one of my favourite Asian Kung Fu Generation song, Raishinban (Compass) has the Kanji of my surname in it ^^ for (rai) i think! COOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL ^^

the only thing that matters is just following your heart and eventually you'll finally get it right...

well that baka did not send me an email yet... it's been a whole week almost, 5 days and still... nothing at all... why is he so cold? why is he so unresponsive? why?

and still... i should tell him how i feel? so that what? i'd get my heart broken further and be the fool again?

it's always so shitty, it's always so shitty when the heart is always the first to lose.

Hummm, my conclusion is that you should confess your feeling to him. What are you waiting for?? Maybe, you expect guys to confess and girls are supposed to be passive. Maybe you are afraid that your relationship to him will be destroyed if you confess to him. BUT if you wanna get something special or important, you sometimes need courage to step forward. You are me are different. So, my experience may not be a reference to you. But, let you tell you something. First of all, you know how many times have I been rejected? Many times!! I told myself like �if I wanna gain something, pain also comes along.�

I think that you are the typical person who thinks a looooooooooooooot and take things negatively and don�t carry out things and put everything in your heart(im sorry if im mistaken). I always think I don�t want to regret what i don�t do what i wanna do.


In other words, even if you imply that you like ryota, unless you really confess to him like � I like you�, he is not sure if you like him(Im sure that he feels your feeling though)

What I wanted to say is that battle won�t end unless you think it is the end. Being beaten one time doesn�t necessarily mean the end, rather it is another start of battle. You can get up many times even if you fall down. BUT, if you don�t fall down, you don�t know the pain, therefore, you can�t be stronger. I know that you want to make sure if he likes you and you may wanna confess to him. BUT, time is not unlimited. By giving a great deal of thoughts the matter, if you can solve the thing, I don�t stop you. And I know that you know that thinking too much doesn�t help, but still can�t stop. However, if you keep doing that, same result will come out, no matter how many times you try. Carry out what you think or what you believe. I think it is better to die without regret rather with regret. I don�t know if this email helps you or not. But I hope that it does. Take care!!!
[thank you, Masa]

You know keith once told me, a long time ago... (ok lah 2 1/2 years ago) that "sometimes when you feel something so strongly inside you, you just gotta say it," and i know i've always been like that.... But with Ryota, i've been calculative u know... it's just that i've been so wreckless in the past, so impulsive, so unthinking you know. I mean, seriously, compared to Paul, Ryota (although been shitty with replying my email!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) has been soooooooooo much nicer to me than Paul was EVER, and still i told paul "anata ga suki desu".... Everyone says that i am unthinking, either that or impulsive, or desperate... they keep telling me "elaine, don't be so desperate" when it's NOT even desperation, you know... it's just feeling something that is eating up your heart 24 hours a day and you can't do anything about it and the only way to kill the feeling is to confess it....

My brother once told me, "sometimes you are who you are because of all the things that you did and didn't do" and i knew that for me it was always the things i didnt' do. But ever since i've been in America, i've always tried to do the things that i would never do (that is why i am going down to Fukuoka for a concert even though i know i will so tremendously get lost in Japan). But what am i to do you know?

"the only thing that matters is just following your heart and eventually you'll finally get it right" and i've lived my life that way too, you know.... with everything even with Nigel when i knew it was gonna come bite me in the ass and godma was also gonna get meshed in it heh.... But screw it, you wanna do something, you feel it so much inside you, even when you know it's gonna screw up, even when you know the chances are slim or NIL for that matter... i've always taken the plunge, taken the chance, done what everyone told me not to do..

and maybe i should with ryota, just taht i don't know if i want to you know. I feel it in me, but i want to hold him you know. i want to hold his smile i guess... ANd i know it's probably not gonan screw up that much, you know... cause we've talked about it before and he's cool about people confessign to him and also he would always like to remain friends with the girl that he confess to or who confess to him or if they break up he still wants to be friends with the girl.

But why elaine, elaine, are you hessitating?

Because maybe i am scared of the truth. And i'd rather remain oblivious, i'd rather not know the truth than to know it... maybe... With paul i know i so told him that i liked him only cause i was sick and tired of guessing... but with ryota, i'm just don't want to hear the truth you know... i just don't want to hear those words....

"elaine.... i'm sorry but-"


it has always been like that and that always sucks big time, you know, that always sucks big time. and i just think that this time, i really don't have a heart left to be broken... not for ryota.... not when i do want him. now when i STILL WISH that it could be a yes.. not when i still want him even if i don't know why i do. i just don't want to be dissapointed again, that's all.... and i guess that's why i'd rather not say it... not know the truth... yet it's tearing me apart, this silence.


Alrights, i guess i'll go to Japan and back and see how he reacts or whatever, huh? I'm not gonan tell him that i like him before i leave cause mannnnnnnnnn it's soooooooooooooo gonna ruin the whole trip.

the (stupid) things i do for love

well i finished Ryota's homework. the whole lot of it. 50 kanji (cruel teacher). ESSAY with japanese slang (SURE LAH NO ESSAY, PARAGRAPH i did write but i cheated a wee bit). Translations for sentences with "should" and "should not", translate the word "sanzoku" and translate the sentence "i wish they were here", and translations for conjunctions like "however", "nevertheless", "first of all", "in conclusion", etc. Write a summary of what we've learnt (eh which is quite useful actually). Write 3 different sentences in japanese using "more" and "most". And then find 10 adjectives and identify if the negative form is "kunai" or "janai".

Done with his work but have like a million other WORK THAT ACTUALLY COUNTS that i've not done yet. and i gotta study for 2 midterms on monday and tuesday, and also 4 news stories due next week one tonight, and whatelse.... homework that's due 3 weeks ago.... ouh man...

and i feel like going back to malaysia suddenly. i wanna go shopping back home with my mom, i miss my mom suddenly. how nice if i could have breakfast with her mainichi, or something, go shopping with her, etc....

ouh well.... we all grow up sometimes, don't we. watashi wa kanashi dakara haha wa kokoni imasen.... i wonder if i can say that. hm. watashi mo kanashi desu kara ryota-kun wa emeru 0 kakimasen deshita. baka. wuaahahaha.. ok nevermind. =))

i watch alot of those crime shows on TV. the "real" CSI, on Court TV and A&E (you shall be missed) and they often interview journalists... especially for City Confidential and Masterminds programs.

Well it just occured to me, when i graduate, i'm suppose to be a journalist. hmm... it sounds cool huh? actually it really does. but i don't think so. i am a journalist. or at least, i sure as ever don't wanna practice journalism. i'm sorry to say this to magazine writers (those fashion, etc), but i still do consider only those who work in newspapers as journalists or like journalistic authors... what's your take? elites me. too bad. but it's true. i guess... i mean, to be a journalist involves reporting you know, and if you don't report and all you do is give opinions, then that's not journalistic... but what about music reporters?

ouh anyway... i think i better go write up a resume.

Daydreamed delusion
Limousine eyelash
Oh baby with your pretty face
Drop a tear in my wine glass
Look at those big eyes
See what you mean to me
Sweetcakes and...milkshakes
I'm a delusioned angel
I'm a fantasy parade
I want you to know what I think
Don't want you to guess anymore
You have no idea where I came from
We have no idea where we're going
Latched in life
Like branches in the river
Flowing downstream
Carving the current
I'll carry you
You'll carry me
That's how it should be
Don't you know me
Don't you know me by now...?

"delusion angel" David Jewell

ouh man i am sleepy and two midterms, three news assignments and........ i forgot, coming up next week, how will i fair, i need to be a better student/person/sister/daugther/friend.

Your Brain is 53.33% Female, 46.67% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

internet is dead at home. virus in computer.

Spoke to Eiji today, he's leaving at the end of the month. next week is gonna be my last week to see him if i see him *heart break*

saw ryota today (he was with Eiji and gang) but didn't say hi and he didn't say hi either. but i know he saw me, i think, cause he was looking over... but he didn't say hi wor, maybe cause i was with a bunch of people.

Eiji is still damn cute. Still the cutest one so far. ichiban kawaii... yeap, ryota taught me that on wednesday.... God bless Arizona, cause really, they are so blest when he goes there next month =(

gonna miss him... cause then i can't scheme anymore on how to get him, u know what i mean? *sigh* such a cutie, such a waste he's leaving so soon =((

You know that book, wednesdays at Morries or soemthing like that... Well ok, Wednesday with Ryota.

Lets see

1) he wouldn't take the pencils i gave him. NAZE KA?! sighh... why does he break my heart so?

2) he wouldn't let me take a picture with him cause he said he looks tired. So too bad, all of u can't see how he looks. HOWEVER, i DID deploy Hiro to come see us and he did, and Hiro saidhe was cute... hmmmm neways, more on Hiro later.

3) Good stuff that happened that day.... nothing much... He gave me back the erm, container i used to put the food for him in, and he gave me back some candies, but dats normal ne. But he put it in a nice bag. so that's cute.

4) I told him about how i was depressed, but when other people are happy, i am happy too. Especially like, u know, even things are not working out for me, but if my friend hooks up with a guy she likes, i'd be VERY happy for them!! and it makes me happy too u know... so i told him that and he said (and wrote) "so sweet" ^^... well at least he thinks i'm sweet sometimes toki doki... even if he does think i am crazy too.

5) he gave me a homework that required me find and write the word for beautiful in Japanese. I got the kanji right but i got the sound wrong... So he was trying to make an example with beautiful in it and i said "oh, write that elaine is beautiful" (perasan betul!) and he just looked at me with that cute smile. But he didn't write it.
Then there was another assignment i had to write "her dog is cute but ours is the cutest"... but i didn't know japanese comprative terms... So he taught me... And then he used the example "elaine is beautiful. She is more beautiful. I am the most beautiful" to illustrate the terms for more and most in Japanese. Then he wrote "Elaine is the most beautiful woman in the world" and made me translate that into japanese... OF COZ,i translated WRONGLY. well i didn't do it
wrongly, i got ONE particle wrong. Instead of "sekai de" (in the world), i put "sekai no" (world's/of the world) WELL, AT LEAST he listened to my demand and used
Elaine is beautiful in the end right?!

6) what else cute? nothing else.... After awhile i had nothing left to ask him. Then he asked me "so do you have anymore questions for me? about japanese?" and i said "nope!" and he said, "i'm sad," and i was like "WHY?!" then he said "cause u have nothing to ask me anymore" Then also like, he keeps telling me to say "it is easy!" for something we just learnt and i refused, i
kept saying "muzukashii" (difficult) and he kept saying "say easy!" and i was "no, muzukashii" and then he was like "that's sad!" and i was like "ok ok! it is EASYYYYYYYYY, TOTEMO easy if it makes you happy!!!"
And then, at the end, i was bitching abt all the homework he gave me cause it was ALOTTTTTTTTT... and he kept writing "you can do it elaine," or "show me your effort" and stuff and then i still protested. Then i asked him later "are you happy?" he said, "no"... and i was like "WHY???!! is it because of your results?!" then he said, "no, cause she doesn't want
to do my homework" wuahahahahha...
Then one of the homework he gave me was to summarize what we had learnt that day and then i told him, "you know i actually learn alot from you," then i said cause i have to learn to form sentences in japanese with him (that i don't get much practice in class). Then he said "good, i'm happy. because i want to see you succeed in Japanese,".... he's so nice ne <3 *heart*

7) stuff i like about the whole japanese lesson with ryota is that... I get to translate alot of stuff, or he makes me translate stuff, write papers and essays and you know that's good cause i get put to practice what i know (PARTIALLY) and also, the thing abt Ryota is that, although i don't like to make stupid gramatical mistakes with him, he's very patient with me and he doesn't mind me making mistakes. He just wants to see my effort and i think that's good cause
it's like, i feel it's okay to be wrong but as long as i try.

8) Also, i like how Ryota remembers stuff we had learnt before. Which is nice right? Or like... he
keeps saying "nothing", or "whatever" or "none of your business" or "maybe" (all of which, he taught me how to say in japanese and it's my homework to write a paper based on those phrases). But u know, i like how he remembers details. like how i told him once about
when i was 14 or so, i was abit suicidal and stuff cuase i am depressed and sensitive and i told him that i won't slit my wrist but i was suicidal... and he got shocked with the slit my wrist thing... And then yesterday, i was talking abt depression again and he wrote "slit wrists".... so cute ^^ he remembers u know... and i like stuff like that, cuase it shows that he remembers u know.... and means he's paying attention right?

9) lastly, well... i was showing him pictures of TBS and all that and showed him nate and keith and who i liked and he was like "ouh man! how many guys do you like?!" then i said to him "u know, how it is, i like alot of guys but it's just feeling u know, but there's always one guy who is ichiban in my heart!". Then after seeing the pics he was like "ok, waht's the point to all these?" and i was like "nothing, i just wanted to show you that's all!!!" and i told him how i have no one to talk to usually and he's like the one person i get to spend alot of time with each week... and he laughed and was like "ouh mannn" and he said "go find someone to talk with elaine," and i said "but i want to talk to you!! BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! you don't wanna talk to me cause you're busy all the time," then he mumbled something i couldn't decipher except i
caught the word "romantic" in it and then i was like "what? what did you say?" and he was like "nothing, nothing," and i was like "what! what is it?" then he said "nothing.. forget it." But i did tell him that i am happy when i am with him cause i have fun. Then he gave me EXTRA homework that involves "be happy".


Anyways......... Hiro was really nice to me on Tuesday night. Ryota wrote me an email "Can we study Japanese only wednesday this week maybe the following weeks. I need some more time to take care of myself." and it really made me feel like CRAP u know. I think that totally threw me into an absolute depression. Then i was just lying in bed crying wishing i could go for a
ride... So i went to see Hiro but of course it's so damn late, so he asked me if i am ok but i told him no (i totally have no sort of feeling embrass crying infront of ppl i tell u!!!).... then he told me to hold on abit and he went into his room again... then like 5 mins later he invited me in and we talked and i told him how i am dissapointed with ryota and i was crying and stuff. But he was nice u know, to spend time talking to me abt Ryota.... i guess that's really nice to have a friend staying in the same house huh. Dats why i told him to come see us and say hi the next day and he said he would.... BUTTTTT he didn't! he just walked past and was peering at us but he didn't come say hi. But i saw him and asked him to come over... and so i talked abit to him... I asked him later in the car (while we were going out to see Satoshi) why he didn't come say hi and he said "i didn't want to disturb you and him" and i was like "WHY?!!!!!!" and he was like "the atmosphere was good you know between u and him so i didn't want to disturb!" then i asked him "so what you think abt ryota???" and he said "he's cute!!!" and i was like "REALLY?!" and he was like "YEAH!! really!" and then i was like"DAMNNNNNNNNNNN, that means i won't have a chance then!"

From: "Fujimoto Ryota"
To: elainelmy@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: RE: toshokan no kakkoi otoko no hito wuahahaha ^^
Date: Tue, 08 Mar 2005 16:38:55 +0900

Hey. I's so sorry to tell that but I have to. Eiji is going to Arizona. I
just heard of that from one of my friends. I don't know the detail about
that but he's going.

Sigh... i AM sad that Eiji is leaving.... i mean, no more cute guy to stare at u know? sigh... shud have stalked him more last week.... sighhhh... sighhhh..... Now who's gonna distract my heart (and my eyes) from Ryota?! *sighhhh* *sighhhhh*

See, fellow friends, next time, when u see a cute guy, always go say hi, kiss them, tell them u think they're cute, etc, or anything u know... cause really, this won't mean a thing come tomorrow and you never know what tomorrow holds, cause sometimes it could be the end, there really is nothing to lose... so man, just do it you know....

Anyway, i realize i am also quite demanding from Ryota (even if i dun make the demand on him, i get hurt whenever he doesn't "fulfil" it)... I mean, i want him to reply my emails within 24 hours... preferably by 12:30am every night because he usually replies by then... Also i dun like him giving me excuses like he's studying and busy so he can't go out (laine! it's a legitimate excuse!!!!). I also dun like him looking at other girls/elsewhere when he's teaching me japanese... like sometimes i see him halfway teaching he'd look somewhere else, makes me suspicious when he does that. I also dun like it when his emails are too short, too insensitive, etc... GOSHHHHHHHHH mati man like dat! Like he just replied "I don't know wheather I like CSUN or not. I just feel I am here at CSUN. It's hard to explain. Never mind. Anyway, I'm sleepy. Good night." i dun like how he said I'm sleepy, goodnite... so brief, so impersonal like "ok i dun wanna talk anymore, bye" i DUN LIKE THATTTTTT.... urghhh

elaine elaine... demandingnya!

How ar, no more Eiji... so dats means... i really only have Ryota to amuse myself with.... sigh... no fun nee. But it'd be real nice if Ryota would erm... i dunno... be receptive... sigh... then there's more fun.... new stuff to do and to scheme and to whine abt and to amose myself with... nee.. =(

ok.... so against some of you people's advice... i did email and tell ryota that i thought Eiji is cute... i didn't tell him i've been stalking Eiji of course but that i saw him in the library and thought he's cute.... Well, nothing to lose right? it's not like ryota likes me or would like me or anything... Plus, i always do nice stuff for ryota, he shud know that to me, he's important, right? sighhh too damn important actually.... Ouh well, i was gonna give him that "thank you" letter anyway before i leave for japan... so at least, that would let him know partially about how i feel about him..... Like i mean... Eiji is nice to look at and all that, but you know, even if like in the previous post, ryota's reply was damn short and damn disatisfying, it still makes me a little happy and makes me touched to know that at least he read my email you know... and i like him for that... that he may not be absolutely great in agreeing to hang out or whatever, but you know, the times or the fact that he doesn't have to care and he does care, makes me happy.... So... there may be cute guys, cool guys, rapist editors and well, Eiji.... but still the person that makes me smile when i think of him is him, ryota-kun <3

Date: Sat, 5 Mar 2005 21:17:48 -0800 (PST)
From: Elaine Loh
Subject: watashi wa kakera..... or confused. whatever.
To: Fujimoto Ryota

i know you're busy and probably don't have the time or patience to read this. but i guess i just need to tell it to someone and it doesn't matter if you're not going to read it.

i guess i am just lonely, maybe not lonely, but... i guess you won't understand cause you're a guy (and i probably shud send this to one of my onna no tomodachi) but sometimes... i just want to be loved you know... I am a christian but sometimes i feel very far away from God because i think that of course i love God, but i know i am abit sad and maybe angry or don't understand why God never let anyone like me, you know. Or maybe not no one like me, but guys i liked, they never liked me back you know. ANd i just feel to God that it's so unfair that way. I mean, am i Really THAT bad? That unlovable? All my friends always tell me "elaine, it's not your time yet, God has someone special for you," but u know what? i am sick and tired of that bullshit. It just hurts alot you know, when you like someone and they don't like you back. And i see other girls and they have experienced a guy they like actually like them back. But i have never experienced that before. It just makes me 1) feel like shit about myself 2) makes me blame God 3) feel it's unfair... and I don't like those feelings.

I mean u asked me to be stronger, but truth is that, i've tried to be strong for so long. i am strong. i can survive not having ANYONE for the past 22 years of my life... but getting hurt so many times has made me very vulnerable inside u know... It's like deep down inside me, i am insecure some times... Or at least... i am angry. i am hurt.

And i hate it that like, i DON'T want to see my editor these days because i feel, though he told me that night "i just want you to feel good, elaine," i say that's fucking bullshit. Because i didn't feel good, i was fucking scared, and the only person who felt good that night was him. And i fucking that the fact that the only reason why he wanted to fuck me was because he wanted to fuck. It didn't matter who the girl was, he didn't care abt me, he didn't give a fuck and the only thing he DID give a fuck is that he wanted to fuck. ANd that's just fucked up. I jsut can't do that. Maybe guys can do that, but fuck it, i can't. I want someone to care about me, i want someone to think that i am special, i want someone who thinks i am actually cute and nice and loves me. i want someone to want to be with me and take care of me and let me take care of them. i want someone who... will be by my side. whom i can love with all my heart so that i won't need to look for others or look anymore.
(elaine's note: ouh erm, i guess some of u didnt know abt this "incident" hmm... there was a reason why i didn't blog it)

i'm just hurt. i just don't want to cry because of dissapointment and a broken heart anymore. I don't want someone forever, i just want someone now so that i can experience it with someone and be happy for now and think about tomorrow when tomorrow comes. for now, for today, for tonight, i just want to be happy... i just want to know what it's like to be happy with someone, that's all... i guess.

i'm tired. i want to sleep. sleep till this feeling dies/dissapears/ is destroyed. i hate work but i rather have work and work till i don't feel anything anymore because i don't have the time. at least i don't feel like crap then you know what i mean?????? Fuck being special, one day nothing of these will ever matter anyway, so why give a fuck? why care? why bother? let's just do our homework. it's better that way elaine, life can always be lived alone. and still... the feeling always threatens to linger beyond its welcome...

when there is happiness... there is ALWAYS going to be dissapointment and heartache. detachment and alienation is always the best... then there will never be tears or broken hearts at night.

-somewhere in between these walls of broken dreams, it was the sunset i knew and inhaled, dying with the dying fall, lost and gone too soon with the faded memory of yesterdays' you-

alright, i'll be okay soon, goodnite. study well. see you wednesday.


From: "Fujimoto Ryota"
To: elainelmy@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: RE: watashi wa kakera..... or confused. whatever.
Date: Mon, 07 Mar 2005 11:24:54 +0900

Hey, I jsut read your message. mmm, Elaine, the only word I can say is you
should be much stronger than you've been. I'm sorry. I know it is not easy
to find someone special. Noone can control life either.


ouhhh... wtfffffffff.... dude.... argh! guys damn u frustrating shit urghhh!! crap...... really, can't i just say to you... "i like you"? I mean, sorry i can't say it in Japanese, sorry i can't say it in Osaka dialect, sorry i can't say it like how japanese people would say it, sorry i don't have the words for it... but my heart, my feeling, my being, my emotions say exactly that, "i like you"... I don't love you, sure as hell not... but u know what... i sure as hell DO like you, THAT, i am certain of at the very very least.

ouh well... i was talking to Keiko today and bitching to her about Ryota always saying fucking no whenever i ask him if he wanna go out on a weekend, etc... and then on weekdays (wed and thurs) he so nice to always spend time with me, and well Keiko told me it's true she too always spend the weekends studying. She says she has to or she'd be completely lost in class during the week....
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo... I guess, i am not gonna bitch about Ryota always saying no, eh. And also like... Well... I really like what i have with him right now u know... I mean, sure, i can't have more, but I really have fun with him when we meet, and he makes me smile u know and he smiles too.... and the whole email i wrote to him bitching to him abt how i feel (he was the cause of that misery tho) well, although we don't know each other that well, i think that our friendship is that way that i can tell him abt all that and he doesn't think it's weird for me to be divulging all these shit to him.... plus he knows that i'm abit crazy heh, in a good way, and he's not one of those uptight guys, and i like him for that...

So yeah... i guess i have decided to erm, not try to push my luck with him... I'm just gonna let things be... i think i'll still give him the letter telling him that he's fun to be with before i leave for japan... but it's gonna be more of like "thank u letter" than anything else =))) REMEMBER, my goal is to make him feel touched ^^ hehe!

prose.

fight or flight. bite i say bite.

too light. heavy. scream storms making waves on perpetual waterfalls. having light candle forgotten night instant memory forgotten taken place somewhere in the past about a future i forgot to remember what it was. never migating truth only hiding it behind walls of silences and cryptic words i try to verbalize but fail because i cannot tell you... the truth. of the matter is this and fact is one, one. maybe two. maybe more. you know what? i don't really know. where lies end future begins tomorrow beholds yesterday unfolds into eternal clouds of sunshine in my heart gone dim too slow to recall the memory of a lost night between the breath and the rain and the smiles and pictures and thumbprints on your fogged window screen i tried to leave my mark should i die here in your hands tonight. goodbye to silent farewells never said but always felt in this dyslexic heart that can never utter the truth to the one person it long most to hold and to forget. never finding peace, beating around the bush over and over again say it elaine say it beyond what your gut feels over to your head a hand that writes but i don't understand therefore i cannot verbalize, i can only transcribe the rhythms of my heart till it is stilled, encircling, encirlcing, what i do really want to say, what i do i really mean, what do i want, what does it speak, silences, pauses, words words that doesn't mean anything that tries to say everything that i can't that i can't say in truth to you to you to you. to you who matters to me because fuck, i like you.

So deep, that it didn't even bleed and catch me
Off guard, red handed
Now I'm far from lonely
I sleep, I still see you lying next to me
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I...

I need something average
Someone please just give me
Hit me and knock me out
And let me go back to sleep
I can't laugh
All I want inside I still am empty
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I...

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I guess, I remember every glance you shot me
Un-harmed, I'm losing weight and some body heat
Eyes closed so hard
I stopped your heart from beating
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me, I..

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me
So deep that I didn't even scream
fuck

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
and it's all that I've got

And it's all that I've got
Yeah, it's all that I've got

Smoke it down
Until you smell the flesh burning from your finger tips
You're knuckles are white
From beating on the walls at night
Cast your worries to the side
Focus only when you get the time
Gonna lose your mind
It happens all the time

Maybe I can tell you
To keep your head up and follow through
Good things will come to you
I could worry myself to death about you
Hope you get there safely

I got your letter that you sent to me
About your missery
A state of suffering
It's such a shame to see
Years of discression and of a sound mind
A suicide is for the weaker kind

Maybe I can tell you
To keep your head up and follow through
Good things will come to you
I could worry myself to death about you
Hope you get there safely
And your unhappiness
Emotional Distress
And your unhappiness

Hey. I almost always study on weekends so I'm not free tomorrow. I'm sorry. Sorry I'm bussy on Saturday. I'm in the library even though it is Friday.... I'm sorry I can't go for dinner tomorrow. I gotta study. I have a lot of homework. Anyway, I'm sorry I can't go out tonight.

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me
So deep that I didn't even scream
fuck

sorry, i know this is abit of ryota overdose lately... but i've just been thinking alot about him dats all...
So i guess this post is just gonna be about my mushed up heart, nee.

I hope he likes being around me... or atl east he has fun... i know he does, maybe. Like i remember the other time when i had just met him, he usually wouldn't be smiling... But like, thank You God, these days, or this time, when he sees me, he smiles and when we're learning stuff, he smiles alot... and laughs too... which is nice cause i like his smile and laugh anyway... I like his smile when it's like this ---> ^^ kind of smile, i like his smile when he's just sitting there, leaning against the chair, smiling, i like his laugh... it's just nice you know...

I like how he speaks cause it's quite cute... like when he speaks in japanese anyway... lemme rephrase that, when he speaks in japanese when he's wirtting sometimg down to teach me. He'd be like getting a kick out of it, so his voice is like really cute then.

I like the little things that he does, like his drawings, out of nowhere he'd suddenly draw stuff like a house, a flower, diagrams, etc.And i like how he has a compulsiveness to write stuff down... like dictating what you say, although not entirely... I think that's why i like talking to him... I don't think ryota is talkative, he's quite quiet, but the one thing that makes him fun and good to be with is becase he is responsive. He don't talk much about himself like I talk about myself EXCESSIVELY sometimes... Ryota doesn't talk about himself at all unless i ask him questions... But what he is is that, he listens and he is responsive. And what i mean by that is that though he's quiet i know he's paying attention cause he asks me back questions or like he would be writing out certain words i mention, draw it out, write it out, underline the word, add more stuff to it, etc... And i like that, that he listens u know and not just zone out.
And i like how he's cute in the sense of the things he gets a kick out of... like suddenly wiring out a kanji that popped into his head and then he'll teach me. He'll be like a 10-year-old kid who got his first coloring pencil way he will write down the kanji and he will teach it to me... Or how he played with the highlighter again with that 10-year0old getting color pencils for the first time kind of way...

and yeah.. i do like his smile alot, when he looks at me and he smiles. i really like that.

I know i don't know much about him and those aren't substantial reason to like him... But you know, i do wish i could have more time to spend with him to know him, to talk to him, to see him smile, cause being with him really does make me happy....

i guess i should blog this huh?

Well, Ryota didn't think i was crazy for buying him dinner which is good, i guess.... but how come so passive?!

Lets start from the very begining...

Well i was sitting with this guy, John... whom i met like a week ago... I was doing my japanese homework actually... and i saw John... so he was sitting there with me and talking to me abt stuff while i waited for ryota...

And then ryota came =))).... he was smiling... *heart melts* in his nice cheeky smile... and he asked me "so how was your test??" and i was like "i told you, DAME DESU! (not good)" and he laughed... Then i saw Makiko (from the newspaper) and i was talking to Makiko and John was talking to Ryota. Anyway, i told John and Makiko taht he was my tutor hehe ^^ (ouh ryota, i wish i could call u something else).

Anyways, yeah... so ryota pulled up a chair cause John was sitting on the other one... and then he asked me again how the test went and i told him it was bad and he asked why and i told him waht i did... I love his smile... ^^. So yeah... and then John asked Ryota to spell out his name and asked him if his name meant anything. But John was also asking like he thought that "R" should mean something and "yota" should mean something else (because of like Toyota)... But Ryota didnt understand waht he ment, so i told ryota, isn't it that his name, the kanji is split ryo and ta... and he was liek yeah yeah... and i was like BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT RYO means and only know the TA right??? and he was nodding his head with that cute smile.. hehe.

Anyways, yeah, John left and i was with ryota and we did japanese work. We went through my response drills and then dialogue for memorization.... which erm... i dun think i quite remember right now... so much for memorization.

Ouh and also like... we were doing the response drills and one of the responds was "did you go to class?" and i will response "no i didn't go to class"... THen he asked "doo shite?"... and i was like... I dunno waht the question was asking... then i said i dunno... and he was like "you don't know?!" and i said "ok... i was lazy...." the he laughed, "then i said... i overslept!!" and he was like "yeah!! i'm like that too!!!" hehehe cute ^^

ANYWAYS. ok... highlights of the day was that... He was looking for a highlighter and so happened John gave me one just before that. So he started highlighting stuff i shud emphasize, stuff i kept forgetting, etc... And mannnnnnn he looked like he was having FUN! with that highligther...
Then when we got to the HOMEWORK PART (goshhhhh i kept asking him "what's the japanese word for cruel??? cause you're cruel!!") he gave me an assignment to write a single kanji 100 times.... i guess that's REALLY how the japanese get so good at what they do. And so he was looking for the highligther that i was holding. So i gave it to him and he was smiling and having fun highliting in bold the 100 TIMES... ANd i was like "you REALLY like highligting don't you???" and he was like "yeah! i love it! i love colors! my textbook is like a rainbow. green highligther, blue highlighter, pink highlighter"

ouh man... But u know, stuff like that makes him cute... no? his little drawings, him sitting there getting a kick out of stuff like forming some sentence in japanese, or writing stuff, or playing with highligters... so cute ^^

So yeah.......

SO CAME THE PART I GAVE HIM DINNER.

We stopped around 6pm... and then i asked him "are you going home now?" he said "yeah"... and then i said, "ok, i have somethign to give you," and he smile and like "okay." and then he sat back down... then first i gave him the card... and i told him "see, i wrote kanji for you," and i gave the card to him and he laughed and he was like "do you know what the kanji means??" and i said like "gambatte?" he was like "yeah!" and i he asked me if i knew what it meant, and i said yeah, my friend taught me who to write it cause i asked her how to say "good luck for test" and so i told him "so... all the best," Then i said... "anddddd since you have test tomorrow and you're teaching me until so late... i got you dinner," and he was like "ouh ok"

and i gave him the food. He asked me if he could look at it i said sure... Then i showed him waht i got. Then i showed him the mochi i got for him too.. and he laughed... THen i said "sorry, i didn't get you juice!! I wanted to but i liked the mochi better!!" (i had asked him earlier in japanese what's the one thing he want the most now and he said "juice" what the heck!)... THen i said i didn't cook it and he was like "you didnt?" i said no and that i bought it and that my friends asked me to cook it but I CAN'T because you will DIE if u ate my food!! So i better not, cause then u can't take your test tomorrow.. So he laughed.
Then i asked him if it was enough? I bought him a japanese hamburger (it's like a meat patty) with terriaki sauce, and also gyoza and rice and of coz, the mochi. I wanted to get him a drink along with the mochi and the food but i scared that was an OVERKILL. no?
Anyways, he said it was enough... =)) So he said "thanks elaine" (he says my name, so it's nice... he always does that when he's trying to ask me to do something and i'm bitching i can't... and he'll be like "come on Elaine, you can do it. It's not hard elaine," so that's nice ar... )

So yeah... then he went on to talk abit abt kanji summore... i dunno why. And he said in future i will teach you what each part of a kanji means (but danggggggg, dat dude, he can't remember some kanji's meaning!) IF i practice.

Well but today, i think i pissed him off a little cause i kept insulting his handwriting (been doing that since day one). It's just that i guess ia m not used to reading hiragana that don't look like hiragana on the book. So like i have problem reading anyone's hiragana except mine u know. But you could see that he got abit mad, cause he paused for a second, took a breath and "what you mean?!" and he wrote his hiragana out and was like "see, it's beautiful!" ehehehehe... sorry ryota...

Well... i dunno... i guess i do like him u know... i guess no, i guess... i just want to take care of him... i wish God gave me the chance to take care of him and most of all, i'd really like to be with him more u know... Like to spend time with him more... I dunno what i want from Ryota exactly but i know i want more... I want more than what we have, but not necessary "dating" you know or "going out"... I'd really just like to be able to spend more time with him, on school days even... i'd like to be able to have lunch with him or something, or go out for dinner... and that's it you know... i'd like to be around him more... cause he's fun to be with you know... he makes me happy and makes me laugh...

And i guess.. waht i really wish is that... i hope he will be touched by what i do for him... I know that like... I failed the first part of his ideal girl cause i don't have long hair.. but i hope that i have a nice smile, or a nice smile that he thinks is beautiful *eh!*, and i really hope that he would accept and appreciate and is not blur of my caring for him u know (cause that's what he wants right??)... BUT DANG, i am not japanese, so i kinda failed the biggest requirement!

Well i hope he liked what i did... And i hope he'd do well for his tests today and tomorrow... I hope he won't fall sick anymore cause he suddenly got sick last week and couldn't study much also... and still he was willing to meet me for Japanese... nice hor??

John told him that he should charge $50 an hour to tutor and he laughed. I said to Ryota "but I do give you stuff right??? Sweets and all..." and he laughed, "and also it's fun right, when you tutor me cause i make you laugh right?! so that's enough!" and Ryota laughed.. so cute ^^

well the orginal title of this blog and actually still is the title of this blog is "the (stupid) things i do for love"... and though i am not in love, this is a perfect example of the stupid things i DO for guys i like...



This is the card i am going to give to ryota.... It's childish huh????? but danggggg... Well it's a flower because of what he explained to me flower means... (i wrote abt this in my previous post)... But ouh well...

The kanji means gambatte... erm... for his exams... to wish him good luck and hope he does well... But the stupid ink smeared so my kanji is not right... it looks wrong... And it's shit that Ryota went to that school to learn CORRECT PERFECT kanji for 10 years.... so now he can recongnize that my kanji's strokes looks wrong =(( sad... i hope he likes it anyway.