Date: Sat, 5 Mar 2005 21:17:48 -0800 (PST)
From: Elaine Loh
Subject: watashi wa kakera..... or confused. whatever.
To: Fujimoto Ryota
i know you're busy and probably don't have the time or patience to read this. but i guess i just need to tell it to someone and it doesn't matter if you're not going to read it.
i guess i am just lonely, maybe not lonely, but... i guess you won't understand cause you're a guy (and i probably shud send this to one of my onna no tomodachi) but sometimes... i just want to be loved you know... I am a christian but sometimes i feel very far away from God because i think that of course i love God, but i know i am abit sad and maybe angry or don't understand why God never let anyone like me, you know. Or maybe not no one like me, but guys i liked, they never liked me back you know. ANd i just feel to God that it's so unfair that way. I mean, am i Really THAT bad? That unlovable? All my friends always tell me "elaine, it's not your time yet, God has someone special for you," but u know what? i am sick and tired of that bullshit. It just hurts alot you know, when you like someone and they don't like you back. And i see other girls and they have experienced a guy they like actually like them back. But i have never experienced that before. It just makes me 1) feel like shit about myself 2) makes me blame God 3) feel it's unfair... and I don't like those feelings.
I mean u asked me to be stronger, but truth is that, i've tried to be strong for so long. i am strong. i can survive not having ANYONE for the past 22 years of my life... but getting hurt so many times has made me very vulnerable inside u know... It's like deep down inside me, i am insecure some times... Or at least... i am angry. i am hurt.
And i hate it that like, i DON'T want to see my editor these days because i feel, though he told me that night "i just want you to feel good, elaine," i say that's fucking bullshit. Because i didn't feel good, i was fucking scared, and the only person who felt good that night was him. And i fucking that the fact that the only reason why he wanted to fuck me was because he wanted to fuck. It didn't matter who the girl was, he didn't care abt me, he didn't give a fuck and the only thing he DID give a fuck is that he wanted to fuck. ANd that's just fucked up. I jsut can't do that. Maybe guys can do that, but fuck it, i can't. I want someone to care about me, i want someone to think that i am special, i want someone who thinks i am actually cute and nice and loves me. i want someone to want to be with me and take care of me and let me take care of them. i want someone who... will be by my side. whom i can love with all my heart so that i won't need to look for others or look anymore.
(elaine's note: ouh erm, i guess some of u didnt know abt this "incident" hmm... there was a reason why i didn't blog it)
i'm just hurt. i just don't want to cry because of dissapointment and a broken heart anymore. I don't want someone forever, i just want someone now so that i can experience it with someone and be happy for now and think about tomorrow when tomorrow comes. for now, for today, for tonight, i just want to be happy... i just want to know what it's like to be happy with someone, that's all... i guess.
i'm tired. i want to sleep. sleep till this feeling dies/dissapears/ is destroyed. i hate work but i rather have work and work till i don't feel anything anymore because i don't have the time. at least i don't feel like crap then you know what i mean?????? Fuck being special, one day nothing of these will ever matter anyway, so why give a fuck? why care? why bother? let's just do our homework. it's better that way elaine, life can always be lived alone. and still... the feeling always threatens to linger beyond its welcome...
when there is happiness... there is ALWAYS going to be dissapointment and heartache. detachment and alienation is always the best... then there will never be tears or broken hearts at night.
-somewhere in between these walls of broken dreams, it was the sunset i knew and inhaled, dying with the dying fall, lost and gone too soon with the faded memory of yesterdays' you-
alright, i'll be okay soon, goodnite. study well. see you wednesday.
From: "Fujimoto Ryota"
To: elainelmy@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: RE: watashi wa kakera..... or confused. whatever.
Date: Mon, 07 Mar 2005 11:24:54 +0900
Hey, I jsut read your message. mmm, Elaine, the only word I can say is you
should be much stronger than you've been. I'm sorry. I know it is not easy
to find someone special. Noone can control life either.
ouhhh... wtfffffffff.... dude.... argh! guys damn u frustrating shit urghhh!! crap...... really, can't i just say to you... "i like you"? I mean, sorry i can't say it in Japanese, sorry i can't say it in Osaka dialect, sorry i can't say it like how japanese people would say it, sorry i don't have the words for it... but my heart, my feeling, my being, my emotions say exactly that, "i like you"... I don't love you, sure as hell not... but u know what... i sure as hell DO like you, THAT, i am certain of at the very very least.
ouh well... i was talking to Keiko today and bitching to her about Ryota always saying fucking no whenever i ask him if he wanna go out on a weekend, etc... and then on weekdays (wed and thurs) he so nice to always spend time with me, and well Keiko told me it's true she too always spend the weekends studying. She says she has to or she'd be completely lost in class during the week....
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo... I guess, i am not gonna bitch about Ryota always saying no, eh. And also like... Well... I really like what i have with him right now u know... I mean, sure, i can't have more, but I really have fun with him when we meet, and he makes me smile u know and he smiles too.... and the whole email i wrote to him bitching to him abt how i feel (he was the cause of that misery tho) well, although we don't know each other that well, i think that our friendship is that way that i can tell him abt all that and he doesn't think it's weird for me to be divulging all these shit to him.... plus he knows that i'm abit crazy heh, in a good way, and he's not one of those uptight guys, and i like him for that...
So yeah... i guess i have decided to erm, not try to push my luck with him... I'm just gonna let things be... i think i'll still give him the letter telling him that he's fun to be with before i leave for japan... but it's gonna be more of like "thank u letter" than anything else =))) REMEMBER, my goal is to make him feel touched ^^ hehe!
Monday, March 07, 2005
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