i did what i did back then because i did care about you. i still don't understand fully why i did it, but perhaps i should have understood the situation with you and your family, so that you would't have gotten into trouble, there wouldn't have been any embarassment between our families, and I, well, I, wouldn't have been the fool.
But you could have vindicated me, you know. You could have made it right. Because i did what i did, for you. in hopes of making you feel a little happy perhaps. but instead.
if only you had written back and told me "it's cool, elaine, it's all cool with me," that would have given me the vindication that i needed... that i needed so as i won't feel like crap about the whole ordeal, even now, months later... everytime circumstances cause me to think of you.
that's my take. i wish i knew yours, even if it's just one bit, even if you had said to me, "just... leave, just leave me be, i don't need whatever you want to offer," even if you told me i was wrong, even if you told me that i fucked up, even if it was that.... i'd rather know the truth... i'd rather know what you feel, no matter what it is that you feel, than to know nothing... than to live with this guilt, always always feeling like I am the fool for what i did, feeling like a fool for what i did because i was naive enough to not realize that as normal as you may have seem, you and i live on entirely different planes of existance. i was the fool indeed, i was the fool.....
as always.
Monday, July 11, 2005
0 comments:
Post a Comment