ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

木漏れ陽が優しく降って
いつかの秋を思い出した
こんな風の気持ちよい日は
誰かに何故か優しくしたくなる

何もかも受け止められる気がしていた
でも何一つ受け止められてはなかった

世界はどれだけの事を思い出に変えて進むのだろう
だけどいつか忘れていくから悲しいけれど生きていける

君はいつも笑っていた
そして時々泣いていた
あの一言が言えたなら
僕らは今でも笑えていたのかな

たまに君の事ばかり思い出してしまう夜が来る
だけどいつか忘れていくから悲しいけれど生きていける

ああ僕らはどうしてこんなにも
大事な物ばかりをその手からこぼしていくのだろう

嬉しい事があれば笑い、悲しい事があれば涙する
当たり前の生活を抱きしめて僕らは生きていく
たまに君の事ばかり思い出してしまう夜が来る
だけどいつか忘れていくから悲しいけれど生きていける


Can't believe it took me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO frigging long to feature this song. Epic Fail. =_=


This is the FIRST FIRST FIRST ever Lunkhead song I heard when I downloaded a J-indies mix on jpopsuki in July 2006.There were quite alot of the usual J-rock/J-indies band on that mix but I totally fell in love with Lunkhead's song only.

Of course, at that time it was IMPOSSIBLE to find anything Lunkhead online... I think there was only Chizu available... and then a few monts later when I got back to CA, Tsuki to Tenohira was also uploaded by then.


But I really, really, really loved this song and I still do very much. When I first heard this song, I thought it was absolutely beautiful.

The part of this song I love the most is the first chorus where Odaka-san sings, "Sekai wa dore dake no koto wo, omode ni kaete susumo no darou?"

I remember the feeling this part gave me was of someone who is trapped by troubles of this world, but he takes flight and fly away to the sky above...

I STILL don't know what this part means (Oh, How i wish I could ask Yoshitaro one day... But I think it's better luck asking Yamashita-san, because at least he can explain it in ENGLISH!)... That's because apparently, the part can't be translated... Grammatically, it doesn't make sense.

But, I can still remember those mornings I played this song on the train on the way from Boston to Framingham... I remember when the train passes Fenway Park, there is a part along that route where it comes out of a short tunnel and you can see the lights through the window... And I can still remember listening to this chorus play as I looked out of the window on one of those mornings...

I also remember printing out the lyrics to the song and transcribing it to hiragana so I could memorize the lyrics... I remember I was memorizing the lyrics while I waited for the train from Framingham back to Boston and I still remember at one of the stops, I was holding the lyrics and trying to sing it with Odaka-san... DUDE, his PRONUNCIATION was TOTALLY DIFFERENT yo!!!

And most of all, I remember, it was this time that I liked Plastic Tree and Lunkhead... And it was around winter on the year before I left America. And I remember telling myself "I want to see Plastic Tree live... and I also want to see Lunkhead live," --- And i think that was the moment I decided that the only way to do that was to leave America to go back to Malaysia, because with the immigrant status that I was in, I could have never gone to visit Japan... And I wanted to visit Japan.... Because I wanted to go for LIVE... and to do that, I had to come back to Malaysia.

So..

That's how I came back.

Because of this song.

Sometimes I want to think it's all just a label but sometimes I also know it's not just that. I want to believe that we're all not that different. But sometimes I can't help but see those differences. I want to believe that though we are from different countries, grew up in different cultures, have different religions, I want to believe more in what we have in common and things we can understand about each other, than in the things and circumstances and beliefs that divides us. I want to seek first to understand, but in turn, I also wish to be understood.

That's what I feel about my work with the students in ELS.

こんにちは。

 

この手紙ははじめじぶんの日本語でかきます。この手紙にすべての誤りをお詫びします。

 

みんなさん元気ですか？六月にNewAlbumをリリスしますですね！おめでとうございます！今年本当に私がLIVEに行くことを願っています。

 

さいきんランクヘッド達は色々な事がありますね。Official MyspaceとOfficialTeamとOfficialStoreも発足しました！毎年のLUNKHEADはますます進歩するになる。そして．．．石川さんの事がファンみんな本当にショックだようね…でも、ぜったいそれよりヘッド達がもっと色々な気持ちがあったと思うんです。もう頑張ってください。

 

ねえ、アメリカに住んでいた時にはたくさん「マレーシアに帰るか？」と考えました。もしアメリカで働いたら、日本へ行く事ができません。だから、あの時はランクヘッドのライブに行きたいためにマレーシアに帰りました。私はバカだね？！？！でも、時々私は本当にランクヘッドのライブに行きた過ぎるとおもうんです！ライブに行く事がたいへん好きですよ！アメリカにもたくさんライブに行きました。でも、時々それはよくないんだろう？ライブに行きたい過ぎなら、人生に他の道を見られないんだよう？

 

それでも、私は未練がありません。

 

でも、マレーシアに帰ったの後に、人生についてもっと悲しくしんぱいするになります。

 

さいきんたくさん考えている。毎日毎日私の未来はもっと暗くなると思うんです。私が決のためことはそれぞれ失敗ばかりかもしれません。

 

私は夢がある。

でも、時々その夢が消えます。
時々その夢が見えません。
時々、その夢をまだぜんぜん分かりません。

 

未来が本当に分からなくて、一番ほしい事をまだ見つけられない。

この暗さの中で、よく考えている。もしかしたらほかの生き方があったかもしれません。この世界はたくさん色々な事ができます。そしてこの人生はたいへん大切な物で、この世界はもっと大切なするべき事があります。神様は私にこの人生をくれたということは、ぜったい私はより大切なしているべき事があるとおもんです。

 

でも、私はぜんぶその選択をしませんでした。よりいい仕事ができたかもしれませんが、私は英語の先生になる事を選びました。

 

それはライブがたいへん好きですから。

 

不確かな夢でも、日本へ行きたいんです。

 

今もたくさん他の事をできますが、私は日本に行きたい。ライブに行きたいですから。LIVEに日本に行きたい事のために、一生のプランは立てられます。それは私のバカな夢だよね。

 

けど。

 

 

あなた達も夢がある。その夢のために１１０％自分をささげています。何かあっても、困った時も、うれしい時も、疲れた時も、過去と今と未来も、本当にあなた達はこの愛する事のためにぜんぶ自分をささげています。

 

私は本当にそれを賞賛するんです。

 

ねえ、小高さん、私はあなたがたくさん他の事をできると思います。小高さんはよくこの事を考えますか？私は小高さんが本当に非常に有能な人ですから、小高さんが色々な事をできると思うんです。

 

でも、小高さんはいつも「まだ歌を歌いたい」と書きました。

 

それは本当にステキな事と思うんです。

 

小高さんは何にでもなる事ができますけど、小高さんの心の中には歌だけがある。

 

歌を歌う事が小高さんの本当の天職と思うんです。

 

それは本当に一番素晴らしい事と思うんです。

 

 

時々もっと人生の事を考えたなら、もっともっとぜつぼうにする。

 

あの時には歌がじゅうぶんじゃないんだ。
歌を歌えないんだ。

歌の力の感じたくないんだ。
時々歌う歌がないんです。

でも、

 

時々あなた達の歌を聞く時には私はすこしだけでも、もっと強くなって、もう一歩を歩き出せる。ありがとう。

 

あの時の間だけでも、すこしだけ心にはまだ見えない夢の影を見られる。

ありがとう。

 

本当にみんなさん、ありがとう。

 

 

ねえ、小高さん。私の夢はバカな夢だけど、不確かな夢だけど、小高さんと山下さんと合田さんと石川さんも私に一つ夢をくれました、本当にありがとうございます。あなた達がいるから、私はまだ人生の可能性の美を信じることができます、ありがとう。

 

歌を歌いたいかぎり、歌いつづけてください。私たちがのぞむのはそれです。

 

では、いつかライブにあいましょう。もしNewAlbumのリリスの後にツアがあったら、ライブに行かなければなりません！（笑）Good Luck and All the Best for your new album. iTunes Music Storeで曲を買いました！うれしかった！

 

 

I is secretly in love wid...


His hair is usually perfectly bobbed.
He is the epitome of coolness (sorta! ahahaha).
Reincarnate of Cobain-que.
He encapsulates the last remnants of grunge.

<3

okkk I guess I am DAMN LATE in knowing this coz I never check their website often but... TSUBAKI つばき has a Youtube space anddddddddd... THEY HAVE VIDEOS OF THE 9/11 Kyoto Mojo live!!!!

Here is Kinou no Kaze!



This is the first song they played!!! I almost cried when they first started this song!!! I hadn't expected them to play this song but more than that, this song had meant alot to me...

When my life was not going well last year, I was listening to this song alot... And there is a part that goes, "雨の向こうなにかある？"... and it's like "what is there beyond the rain?"... And at that time, when I was listening to this song, I really prayed and hope inside my heart that there would be something wonderful waiting for me after this storm has passed...

And when I went for the Kyoto Mojo show, that was just 6 hours after I got to Japan, and I also got to meet Isshiki-san that day... And after the whole heartwrenching ordeal with Snake, I had this feeling in my heart, I felt that, if I met Isshiki-san, if I saw Tsubaki live, I will be alright....

And I met him (and Okamoto-san) and when Tsubaki started with this song, I was really really touched and overwhelmed...

It was as if, there IS something good for me beyond the wind and rain...

OK, here is つばき again.

These are two of the newer/latest Tsubaki songs that I really love. Kimi ga inakereba （君がいなければ） and Hikari （光）! I really like these songs coz I thought Isshiki-san's vocals are really powerful here! He sings really really really well in these two songs~ His voice has definitely matured since!


Actually, I'm sending it coz I am really sad for Tsubaki. I think they're an awesome band, would you not agree also??? But for SOME TERRIBLE reason, they just won't get popular... I think it's really sad!!!

I got to know Tsubaki after Lunkhead, of course, but at that time when I first saw Tsubaki live, I thought they were bigger than Lunkhead, since it was Lunkhead who was the support band for Tsubaki's tour. But within a year after that first live, Lunkhead actually became more popular than Tsubaki!

And then, after that, Tsubaki... Well, Isshiki-san anyway, in his blog introduced Merenge　（メレンゲ） to the readers. He spoke really highly of the band... And guess what? Not even 6 months after that, Merenge actually became even MORE popular than Tsubaki!!! Everyone (well most of the usual j-rock/pops/indies English-speaking listeners online) started listening to Merenge! MORE THAN TSUBAKI!

Then after Merenge, we found out about this other band People in the Box, through random downloads of course..... And guess what??? Five months later, People in the Box, which was almost unknown just last year, has now rivaled Tsubaki in popularity!!!!!

WTH!!!

I mean, okay, it's not a popularity contest, of course... But really, still... I think Tsubaki is an amazing band and people should know about them... I guess... Tsubaki is not one of those new and suddenly popular bands... I guess the more you listen to this genre, you'll find out about Tsubaki and at that time you'll only know how awesome their songs are...

SO I HOPE!

頑張って！つばき皆！！！


光〜hikari〜(Akeboshi Piano Version ) - つばき - Tsubaki

君がいないければ - つばき - Tsubaki

Aki's page on Columbia Outdoor clothing website!!!!!!

please check it ^_^




http://www.columbiasports.co.jp/travel_goes_on/yamashita.html

Sometimes, when I walk into kino or a bookstore and I look for manga or when i browse through the anime section of a video store, I can't help but feel "wth...". But on the other hand, I can't deny manga or anime because it was because of Anime that I first liked Japan. So, I guess, it is part of me!

ANYWAY.

Yes, although I have not watched any anime for quite awhile now and have not been following any manga or anime series regularly, I really still like Anime very much.


On the flight back from Japan, I managed to watch the anime Summer Wars!!!

It was a really really good anime!!!



It's really been more than a year since i watched any anime but boy!!! This anime reminded me again, why I loved anime so much!

The show actually made me cry three times!!!!!

This anime's theme centralizes of the theme of family and online games/communities... And although I am not even a fan of online community games or digimon or even any sort of video games, I really found this anime to be really heart touching and one of the best animated movies I've seen.


The characters' avatars in Oz.

The anime comes from the makers of the other anime The Girl That Leaped Through Time, Mamoru Hosoda. Actually, I thought Summer Wars was better than that anime!! Seriously!

Anyway, this anime is centered around an virtual reality online world called Oz. A mathematician boy genius Kenji Koiso, is hired by his crush, Natsuki Shinohara, to pretend to be her fiance as she goes back to her hometown to prepare for the family matriach, her grandmother's 9oth birthday.

While he is there, various plot begins to unfold as Kenji brilliantly solves a mathematical riddle thus unknowingly aids an AI hacker, Love Machine, that hacks into Oz creating havoc in Japan overnight.

The plot unfolds as the Love Machine's developer is discovered to be Natsuki's black-sheep uncle, Wabisuke Junnouichi, who is banished from the house by a pissed-off grandmother who is dissapointed by her grandson using her money to create such a disasterous monster.
The plot thickens when the grandmother matriach dies suddenly and the men of the household declaring war on the AI, Love Machine.

In all, a truly entertaining, yet very heartwarming anime!

Seriously, even if you're not a fan of online games or anything like that, this is truly an anime worth very minute you spend watching it!


This is my favourite avatar... It's Kenji's avatar after his original one gets stolen by the Love Machine. This avatar is damn cute. The other avatar that I like is the Shinkansen one... I dunno who's avatar is that...


-------------------

Majin Tantei Nougami Neuro



Yesterday, I watched 21 episodes of this anime back to back.

This is a damn weird anime. I read some of the manga a few years back and found the anime in the bargain bin for RM10, yesterday so, i bought it! lols...

Anyway, for those who can stomach the weirdness, it's quite an entertaining series.

It's about a demon, Neuro, who has a hunger for riddles and consumes riddles to survive. After solving and consuming all the riddles in hell, he comes up to earth in order to find and devour the greatest riddle.

On earth, he meets and forces Yakou, a highschool girl, into an unlikely partnership (a.k.a. slavery) by making her a detective, after her father is killed mysteriously.


I think ima read the manga today. I still have 4 more episodes of the anime to go but don't feel like ending it!!!!

Yeahhhh so today I went to Church. Yeahhhhh.... I'm staying in Shin-Okubo, and this place is known as Tokyo's Korea Town...... So there are actually lots of Churches here... So I went to a Church...

It turned out to be a Lutheran Church.

I saw the flier outside the church when i first got here and saw they had English service on Sundays. I missed last week service coz I overslept but ahahaha I made it today! I ALMOST wanted to oversleep again BUTTTTT... I thought I'd be cool to go to Church here in Japan, since I've NOT been doing ANY tourist stuff in Tokyo AT ALL since I got here, I thought it'd be nice to go to Church for the experience of it! lols...


They had a combined service today, Candlelight Service, to begin the celebration of the 100th Anniversary of their Church which is in 2012 (3 years ahead! wow!)



I like methodical churches! There's always a order of worship! ahahahah...


Anyway, so the whole service was in Japanese but I got English version of the order of worship. Actually, they have a priest there who is American (his accent sounded American), but today was a combined worship in Japanese. They also had the hymns in English for the English speaking congregants (is this even a word??).... But of course everyone else was singing in Japanese... And the Confirmation of Faith and Lord's Prayer was also in Japanese, but of course, those non-Japanese speakers said it in English.... softly hehehe...



And some parts, we had to sing in Japanese... But the song sheet had ROMAJI there! So, just read the romaji yo.... I tried to understand what was being sung.... But to little avail... lols.




Anyway, the sermon was also in JAPANESE.... But they actually had an English translation of the whole thing!!!



Well, I couldn't understand fully and specifically what the pastor was saying... But I think I understood enough to follow his sermon while reading the part in English....

His sermon today was about "God with Us". Through our suffering and through our questions of WHY.

I was really touched by two parts of his sermon that I felt God was talking to me...

One part was when he talked about when Jesus died, Jesus said "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?".....
Many years before, when I was at the Easter service in KL Wesley, these words really struck me at that time because I had thought about how indescribable the pain was to Jesus at that time... NOT THE PHYSICAL PAIN AT ALL.... But to imagine Christ being seperated from GOD. It's like for those hours, GOD Himself was torn away from Himself... And just imagine Jesus, who has been in commune with God from eternity to eternity, for those hours, GOD HAD TURNED AWAY!!!! IMAGINE THAT PAIN!!!!!!! I think, it cannot be imagined.

But today, I got a new meaning from that... When I was pondering on those words, what the pastor had said was about how Jesus himself had to suffer like we did, that HE felt that God was not even there... JESUS you know!....

And I felt those words touch me cause, I guess... although I know it was me who ran away from God, but I felt as if my prayers had fallen to deaf ears... That God wasnt there listening anymore..... But Jesus too, felt the same thing, EVEN EVEN EVEN EVEN MORE... I mean for a sinner like me to feel God is not there... and for JESUS to feel God was not there!


And... The second part was "God with Us"...

And the pastor talked about a girl he had met and prayed for.... Who had been sick her whole life.... and seemingly cursed and wrecteched.... What words could he use to comfort her?? It's like EASY to tell people reasons.... But when you are really going through pain and doubt... all you can think about is "WHHY????????" the eternal why.....!!!!

And the pastor said, while he gave the holy communion to her, a thought came to him... and it was that, at this very moment, while partaking in Jesus's body and His blood, God accepted her as she was, with all her questions and whys and no answers, but God took her in as she is...

The same way... I really feel.... REALLY REALLY wrecthed about the whole Snake ordeal and I CANNNOT CANNOT understand what God has me to learn from this... Why God, why didn't You just let me leave back in April and I would have NEVER have met him and I would have NEVER had got into this BIG PILE of mess and screwed up an ENTIRE YEAR, WASTED.

But as I am, SINNER as I am, not just with questions, but with hurt and YES, with BLAME (wrongly).... And even although EVERYTHING was my fault for persisting in a completely wrong relationship, and in the end blaming God for it.... I guess.... God still accepts me with all these imperfection in me.

God with Us.

Indeed.


True God to True God.

You know whether it's in Japanese, Arabic, Thai, Korean or Spanish... God doesn't only speak in English, God doesn't only speak in one language.


I'm glad God let me worship Him, True God to True God, even here in Japan... And allowed me to take part in Holy Communion with Him here with our Family in Japan... Even with all my doubt, even with all my hurt, even with all my blame.

I wonder if I'll be okay.

I want to know that I'll be okay as long as God is with me.

I really hope that can be true.



Oh... by the way... in their Holy Communion, they used real wine!! And also... the priests said in Japanese, "あんたのために、クリストの体。” which literally means... "The body of Christ, for you," and also, "あなたのため、クリストの血。" which literally means... "The blood of Christ, for you,"

Waaa~ I understood.... lols.

Well, yesterday was Art-School's live at Saitama's Heaven's Rock. It's the last live I had planned to go and also the last time going to live of a band I like very much....

Also, I realized today that today's live was at the same livehouse as the first time I saw Tsubaki and Lunkhead live 2 years ago!!! What a great nostalgic and befitting end!!!!




So I was thinking I must go for as many lives as I can while i am here... BUT IT SUCKS COZ THIS IS THE WORST TIME TO BE HERE COZ ALL THE BANDS ARE NOT TOURING!!! In fact ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLl the bands practically START touring on the very day I am going to leave Japan!!! 10/10!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!

And not to mention, I AM GOING TO MISS LUNKHEAD LIVE ON 10/1o by just SIX HOURS!!! Because i LEFT Malaysia on September 10th, my ticket expires also on October 10th!! IT'S TOTALLY SHITE!!!!

AND, I'm quite upset that almost ALLL the bands I want to see arent touring at this time and they'll only be touring middle of this month!!!!


But anyways, at least I got to see a few shows this time.

I went for:

9/11 - Kyoto Mojo - Tsubaki One Man Live
9/23 - Shibuya Yaneura - アナ/Tsubaki
9/24 - Shimokitazawa Club Que - Lost in Time/ セカイイチ
9/26 - Shindaita Fever - アナ
9/28 - Shibuya Club Quattro - Tsubaki
9/29 - Saitama Heaven's Rock - Art-School

Those were the shows I had planned to go..... (except Ana and Sekaiichi..... I think those came up last minute also hahaha)...

Before I go back, I wanna go for:

10/3 - Zher the Zoo Yoyogi - Prof. Moriarty&Smiley-Todd (I just discovered this band when I was randomly checking out Kyoto indies band in a shop in Kyoto)
10/5 - Shibuya O-West - Under The Counter
10/6 - Shimokitazawa Club Que - Monokuro
10/9 - Shimokitazawa Club Que - D.W. ニコルズ (I REALLY REALLY wanna check them out!)

As you can see, they are totally RANDOM bands.... ahahahah... Some bands I had just casually checked out....

Actually on 10/2 there are 2 REALLY cool shows... For Hare-Brained-Unity.... and also Art-School again... But Aki-san has a party for me on 10/2, so I can't go :( But it's okay, coz I get to meet people at the party and have fun too :)

Shimokitazawa Club Que is having a special anniversary live events... So alot of cool bands are playing there everyday... But I'd really like to check out other Shimokitazawa live houses like Garage or Shelter...... But I don't know the bands that are playing there....
Also, Shibuya has alot of small livehouse too... But I don't know which ones they are and I don't know the bands that are playing at all..

There are sooooooo many other bands I wish to see but I miss them by just a week!!!! T_T

I TOOOOOOOTTAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLY want to see

PEOPLE IN THE BOX (I REALLY LIKE THEM YO!! And I just found out....... I missed their live in Osaka by ONE BLOODY DAY!!! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

And I also want to see:

hare-brained-unity
メレンゲ
髭(HiGE)
Base Ball Bear
Radwimps

AND A WHOLE LOT MORE!!!!

BUT WHATEVER IT IS... I MISS LUNKHEAD LIVE AND THAT'S THE WORST TRAGEDY!!!!!! I waited TWO YEARS only to miss it by SIX HOURS!!!!!!! T______T

Sigh, I really feel like crying ok!!! :'(


Anyway, I will blog more about the live I had gone to later....

But before that, jus something about yesterday's Art-School live................... Riki Kinoshita is DAMNNNNNNNNNN quiet person!!!! SERIOUSLY.... The band practically played 10 songs before he FINALLY said "Konbanwa, Art-School desu." and that was it!!! He was like "Ahh...Ahhh" and totally didn't know what to say!! He even said "What should I say?" (in Japanese, of course)... Dang!!! He's damn quiet!!! lols~ but he's also DAMNNNNN cool!



By the way, this is my friend Aki.... He writes for biking, outdoor and travel magazines and models for those clothing companies too...



I think he looks damn cool here... lols

アナ (Ana) is an amazing band live! I only got to know them 3 days ago when i went to see Tsubaki but they were amazing live!!

When I saw them on Wednesday, their live reminded me of the The Format's show in New York which I went with Michelle 5 years ago.... Except..... format was headlining that night! ahaha...

Anyways, I got Ana's CD and actually, their songs are actually quite electronic (of course) and mellow.... But during live, their songs just transforms and they inject a radiating energy into the songs in their live performance! Really different! Awesome!


Actually, when Ana first got on stage and put up such an entertaining set, they reminded me alot of Days Away and Ana has also been around for 11 years...

It's like, although not many people know them, I really admire them for persisting in their dreams for such a long time despite everything...

And how I admired Days Away because even though they were playing only a 5 song set to a bunch of people who didn't know them, they always cared about perfection of their sound and music...

Same goes with Ana, I really admire how they really put on an amazing show despite it being a short set and not many people know them... I also admire how they are so much at ease on stage and take it up like it was their world (it IS their world!)... and Okubo-san and Ouchi-san really engage the crowd amazingly well, even though the crowd barely knows them or when the crowd is quiet...


On Saturday's show, there were less people there and I think compared to Wednesday's crowd, they were less enthusiastic, perhaps.... Before Ana got on, I was wondering how they'd take up the show... If they were gonna be less engaging or less energetic than Wednesday's show...

But when they got on stage, they just did their thing and they just performed as they did on Wednesday...

A really good band live..! I wish I could go for their show again!!! It's incredibly enjoyable even though you don't know any of the songs! Seriously! hahahahah


Check them out!

HP: http://www.a-naweb.net
Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/mysspaceana


Ana Pictures that I took: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/album.php?aid=317762&id=903000264

Holycow! I just watched an awesome performance by an awesome band (アナ)!!

You know bands like these just never fails to impress me coz no matter
how small the show, how little the crowd, they just give thier best
into the show and I just find that simply amazing..

I mean no matter the odds and unknown ahead, they just keep on
pursuing this dream you know.. And I just find that amazing...

What a well put together show indeed! And I don't think any one in the
crowd even came because of them but still... Well done!

They say that the waters of the Kumo River flows forever...





I've been thinking about life alot recently and I've been meaning to write very much about it but just never got around to it.

I have been thinking that... In my life, I want to be with a guy who can bring out the best in me and I in him.


I recongnize what Snake had changed in me...

Before I met him, I had always wanted to live my life my way, and I didn't give a damn about having anyone with me... But after I had met him, I just felt that... yes, I do want someone in my life, to share my life with... Because companionship cannot be replaced, and there is a certain comfort to having a companion with you all the time.... And human connection is something that cannot be replaced.

So, I think I DO want someone in my life later on.... But, when I think about it... That is the only thing I think I want to ask God in a guy.... that he can bring out the best in me, because I think that is the MOST IMPORTANT for me... I want that the most.

Because for the past 5 months, I think it had brought out nothing but the worst in me. He wouldn't have been such an asshole if I wasn't as much an ass for him to be an asshole with... get me? And the way we brought it crashing to an end, and the aftermath of the worthlessness I feel from it, is just such crap...

And it was through that, to see how much of MYSELF i had LOST in the past 5 months... In fact, I lost everything.... I'm not blaming him, but I blame myself for having made him my world and in doing so, I lost my own sense of self or worth or value along with it...

And it's through thinking about this that I really realize that.... I really want someone who can bring out the best in me... Whom I can be who I am with, who can take my worst and make it good, and take my best and make it shine... You get me?

That's what I really want.


That said, would I have wanted someone to come with me on this trip?

HELL NO.

I like being on my own on this trip... Yes, it was kinda pathetic, if you want to think that way.... I was on my own in Kyoto for two days without any friends around... I just went shopping around because I wanted to go shopping... But I really liked it that way cause I really enjoyed going around Shijo on my own...

My hotel was right in the center of Shijo and bascially once I got down, I was in the middle of the whole action... So it was really fun, it was really fun having Shijo as your backyard... Seriously!!!


And on the morning I had arrived at Kyoto at 5am, I hung around Kyoto station till about 10, and I went to the hotel at Shijo then... I couldn't check in till 3, so i just kept my bag there and went to Shijo to shop...

I sat at a cafe, then went to get some gifts, then I walked around more looking for stuff to buy... I was looking to buy a Kimono coz I wanted to wear one to Desmond's wedding..

Then I went to a second hand clothes shop and they had a Kimono section there with lots and lots of used kimonos... There was a sale section and it was quite cheap... Just 1500円 for a kimono... So I decided to buy one there... OF COURSE I didn't know ANYTHING about Kimono... So i went to the counter and there were two sales person there... So I went..

Summimasen, kimono o kaitai kedo, kimono no koto ga zenzen wakarimasen.. Chotto oshiete kudasai.... (i should have used a "masen" here... I think!) (Excuse me, I want to buy a kimono but I don't know anything about kimono, could you please teach me?)

But Woah! ANd the dude understood... So he followed me and showed me what I should do... He told me I had to pick out a Kimono, then the undergarment then the obi.... Then I asked him "nandemoii?"... And he said, it's better that the kimono and the Obi were the same material...

Then I said, Ok, I'll go look, then I'll ask again...

SO I did.. I went to pick out a DARK kimono... COz I thought it's ridiculous wearing a kimono to Dez's wedding anyway! So i didn't want to stand out by wearing a briiiiiiiiiiiight-colored one!!!!

So, I got the kimono, then I went back to the dude and asked him waht I should pick next.... Then he said I had to pick an undergarment... And he said the length of the sleeves had to be the same for both....

And so the both of us went searching for an undergarment that matched the Kimono and ALSO had the same length.... Which was like DAMN difficult. Ahahahahahaha..

So we went around measuring the undergarments until we finally found suitable one....

Then after that, we went to look for a suitable Obi too... And AGAIN we spent like LOTS AND ALOTS of time searching for an obi... I think he was in a hurry coz he kept looking at his watch but anyway, he kept helping me to get an obi...

We came down to two, and he asked me if I wanted to try it and see....

So we went to the changing room and he helped me put in the undergarment and kimono and all that and helped me to tie the whole thing up.... Then he helped me to tie the obi and all WHICH WAS NOT LONG ENOUGH T_T

Then i said "too fat, ne?" then he said "iie, iie..." and retied the obi so it'd fit... ahahahahaha...

Anyway, in the end I asked him which obi he thought was nicer coz I didn;t know anything about obi anyway, and he picked one out politely..

So I bought the kimono.


Anyway, after that... I came up with an idea to ask if he wanted to go out for a drink or something if he was free.... (OK, I KINDA FORGOT THIS AIN'T AMERICA!!!!!!!! AND SHIT LIKE THESE WILL NEVER WORK!!!! IT'S JAPAN FORGOODNESS SAKE!)... I mean, it's not like it's anything just a drink or anything...

But u can imagine that with MY japanese...

Damn I probably gave out a TOTALLY damn wrong impression.

Ahahaha..

SO it went..

"Summimasen" (excuse me)
He saw me and I was considering if I should buy the strings I needed to tie the kimono and all that... So he asked if I wanted to buy the strings... Then I said maybe... then I said...
"Summimasen kedo, kyou wa hima desu ka?" (Are you free today?)
ANd he went reluctantly... "kyou wa...." (Today...)
Then I said, "Shigoto no ato de jikan ga arimasu ka? Moshi hima nara, chotto isshoni gohan wo tabemasen ka?" (After work, do you have time? If you do, would you like to go for a meal together?) (wah! It was ISSHOU NI GOHAN WO TABEMASEN KA? which is like would you like to eat meal together... Ahahahahaha)
And he said something something in Japanese I couldn't totally understand but I started with "Gomen"... So it was MOST PROBABLY A NO GO!!! ahahahahah...
Then I said
"Ashita wa dou?"
then he said, "Ashita wa yasumi kara, koko de inai". (oooo, he used informal form! buy I'm a client!)
Then I said which sounded EVEN MOREEEEEEEEEEE wrong was...
"Watashi wa chikaku no hotel ni tomarimasu kara... itsu demo ii... Tada, ima koko ni hitori de, chotta hanashitai dake" (I live in a hotel near here... *WTF?!*, so anytime is okay *wtf?!?!?!*..... Just that I am here alone, I just want to talk...*wtttfff?*)
Wth.............
Anyway.... It was just like totally wrong dude!! It was as if I wanted to sleep with him or something ahahahahahaha...
Anyway I even asked if he lived in Kyoto... and even like OFFERED to meet in Kyoto Station but it was "DAME!" NOOOOOOO GOOO!!!! ahahahahahhaha.


BUT ANYWAYS, it was a no go but... Well, at least I tried...

And HEY! At least I had ENOUGH broken Japanese to ask someone out!!!

(albiet unsuccessfully! But he got my drift! ahahahahaha)

ahahahahahahhaah..

Anyway, his name was Kogawa Juiichi.

He was kinda cute =)

And his hands and fingers looked really nice too =) (eh, u know how i have a thing for guys' hands ahahahahahah)


But I guess... Well, I'm glad I'm able to want to meet other guys, u know?

And albiet unsuccessful, maybe there's a silver lining...



You know, before I came to Japan, I thought to myself, I won't return here anymore for awhile.... I told myself there were other places to see, different things to experience and I've already been to Japan 3 times.... Next, I would want to go to another part of the world.... I thought about that... And I thinking that, it also meant that I was giving up my dream to teach in Japan....

Because the whole thing about Snake and how lucky Lina is to be chosen and to be so important and lucky to be with him had really really crushed me.... That I felt even if I achived all my dreams... what is it worth in the end? Is my life even worth anything? Does my life even have meaning? Not to say being with Snake gives it meaning.. NO WTF NO.... But rather that, it just made me question the value of the dream I had till now, to work and live in Japan... Is it really that important? Will humanity be helped by this dream? Will my life have meaning and value in the end even if I reached this dream?

It had really made me reevaluate my goals...


But you know what.... I think it was just being around Kyoto again and travelling around so much around Japan....

And even if I am NOT incredibly thrilled the whole time, there are droplets and just brushing moments where I take a breath and just suddenly feel a joy in my heart, a peace perhaps, and a smile.... to be so grateful and happy that I can be here, that i AM here... in Japan...

And in those moments accumulated and in all the things I saw around me.... I guess, I fell in love with Japan again....

I had really lost my interest and my dream in Japan in that 5 months with Snake.... Even when I was coming here, and while I was with him... .I really felt "I would be happier if I could be with him and just having fun with him"...

But, you know what?, right now, even right now after I've just cried about him..... I said FUCK THAT.

I rather be here in Japan. Without him.


And I really really want to be here again. I want to live here and I want to work here and be around and IN this culture and IN this country for at least a few years....

I found my dream again.

I still want it.



But sometimes, when I think about it.... the feeling that remains in my heart is not of love.... but there is still just a deep hurt.... So deep that I still cry sometimes and I just did, talking to Mayuko just now.... I'm still very hurt and I'm still very worried that when I get back to Malaysia, I'm going to just go back to square one... I'm just gonna end up weak again...

I don't want to need him anymore, I just don't want to give a fuck about him anymore-- and in my heart right now, I don't. I don't give a shit..... But, I'm still so hurt.... He STILL makes me cry and that CANNOT be good.... And that's what I want to heal from, that's what I want to end.

I want to be free of EVERYTHING of him.

I want to be able to look at him and feel ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

I don't know if I can even right now.

I'm just so scared when I get home, EVERYTHING is gonan be the same again... My stupid heart will be the shit that it was AGAIN.

I'm worried.



I guess it's like that Sekaiichi song.... "Mitsukeru tabi wa tsuduku hazu..."

I guess this journey of looking continues...


God, I just want to be happy, God.... That's all I ever wanted to be.



The guy was really quite cute, seriously =)

And I'm happy I had enough bad japanese to ask him out, at least! ahahaha =D

On the second night in Tokyo, Akisan was kind enough to meet me for dinner.... His friends were having a party at home and they invited me to join them...

So I met Akisan's four best friends since elementary school... I kind forgot two of their names!! So sorry!!! Juichi... Yasutarou... Yohei and one other guy..... Yasutaro and the other guy was INCREDIBLY funny!!!!!!!!!! Juichi was really quiet... And so was Yohei although he was the butt of most of Yasutaro-san's jokes!! ahahahahaha...

Anyway, it was really wonderful to be able to share the night with them...

Three of them had taken a trip to an island near Tokyo and caught some fish... So they decided to have a party and have sashimi and cook the fish...

So we just sat around the table eating rounds and rounds of food... All of the guys chipped in and took turns to cook something... It was really cool...

Of course, communication was like REALLY difficult though!! Coz Akisan was the only person who could speak any English and I could BARELY BARELY speak Japanese!! At one point, Akisan even told Yoheisan to just speak in BASIC japanese coz it he was struggling SOOOOOOOOOOOO much to speak English and it was just TOTALLY wrong and TOTALLY hard to understand ahahahahaha...

And Yasutarosan and Akisan was joking how Yoheisan was "baka!" totally baka!! ahahahaha.... (baka means "stupid")... They kept sending Yoheisan out to buy stuff they forgotten!! Poor guy! Coz he's the youngest of the 4, he kept getting bullied!!!

Then Yasutarosan said that Yoheisan was "BAKA!! VERY BAKA.... but.... STRONG!!!" ahahahaha... Actually Yoheisan is VERY muscular and he was in the Japanese army for awhile (Does Japan have an army?? I thought they're not allowed to have one!!!)...

Anyway... Akisan asked me what is Stupid in Malay and I told him "bodoh"...

When Yoheisan came back, the evil mastermind Yasutarosan went and pulled Yoheisan aside...

Then when they came back, Yasutarosan said that Yoheisan had a performance...

Then suddenly Yoheisan came out and did a dance!! singing "bodoh, bodoh, bodoh" ahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahaha~ Damn funny yo!! Then they ask him to take off his shirt and show his muscles and he really did that al the while singing BODOH!! ahahahahaha... POOR GUY DUDE!!! ahahahaha...

Anyway... After that, Yoheisan was saying he is single and lonely ahahahahah... And he doesn't dare to talk to girls except his sister ahahahaha... And he said, his face is not nice, his nose is too big, his forehead is too wide, his hair is like fire.... But everything below the neck is GREAT...

Ahahahaha... Then I told him in the BEST JAPANESE I COULD HANDLE.... and I told him that, sometimes, it doesn't matter how you look... For some girls, if a you have a good heart and you're a nice person, the girl will like you...

Then I ask Yasutaro-san, "Yoheisan wa yasashii hito desu ka?"... (Is Yoheisan a nice person)...

And Yasutaro-san went... "Errrrrrr... NO!" ahahahahhahhhaha...


Anyway, I really had a nice night with them, and I felt really happy they treated me so warmly....

Even though we really couldn't communicate well, since I can't speak Japanese well at all, and they can't speak English at all, but they were really really friendly and really treated me well...

Thank you, Akisan for a wonderful night :)

And thank you always for all your help :)

So, I still can't get the temperature of the bath right... It's ALWAYS too hot.




Well the past week has been interesting....

After the Tsubaki live on the day I arrived, I stayed in Kyoto for a night and left for Tokyo again on the morning of the 12th... It was pretty crazy to sit in a bus for 7 hours to Tokyo, but it was nice, considering that I got to see the view of the country :)

Akisan was kind enough to meet me at Shinjuku bus terminal so he can occompany me to Luis' hotel at the Hyatt Regency..... We kinda got lost on our way there ahahahaha...

Anyway...

It was great meeting up with Luis again!!! I also met his friends Robert and Audrey, Mikey, Brandon and Liz....

Hanging out with them was very different, it was like.... being in America!! Actually, Japan looked very different from an American perspective... I don't know how to explain it, but Japan just didn't feel like Japan... It felt very different and very Asian and very foreign, being around Luis and his friends and going around Tokyo with them...

Anyway, we went Karaoke at night! And Luis and I sang Blink's What's My Age Again? and New Found Glory's Hit or Miss... WOAH! Talk about NOSTALGIC!!!!


Anyway, we moved hotels the next day to....... somewhere in Miyako... Ahahaha I forgot!!!

Luis LEFT his bag on the train on the way to the hotel so I accompanied him to the station where he lost his stuff...... And WOAH! We got his stuff back!

And actually, knowing SOME BASIC BASIC BASIC Japanese on this trip has really really really been beneficial... I found it soooooooooo much easier to just go around and to buy things and all that.... Also, it really helped ALOT when Luis lost his stuff or when I got lost like I couldn't find the bus at Disneyland to Kyoto!!!!!

But seriously, I thought it was awesome I was able to communicate at least A LITTLE in Japanese this trip!!! WELL.... broken Japanese la.. But still, at least, I could just go "SUMMIMASEN, blah blah blah doko desu ka???"......

But after you open your mouth in English, suddenly the Japanese pours out in reply!!! And i usually can only understand 30 - 40% of their replies!! ahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Anyway, that afternoon, Luis' friend went to Disneyland while Luis and I went to POKEMON CENTER!!!!!!! We took a train to Hamamatsu Cho and visited the Pokemon Center.... Wth... ahahahaa


Then the next day on Monday, Luis, Robert and Audrey and I went to Disney Sea!!!

Ok, what the hell... Disney AGAIN... Wasn't Anaheim enough???

Anyway, we had great fun there and Luis lost his iPhone AGAIN!!! (he found it back tho!!!)... I still don't get why it's called Disney Sea though, I really thought it was going to be like San Diego Sea World or something, but it wasn't... It's exactly like a disney themepark, except... it has a river..... that's it...

Anyway... It was great to see Luis again... I've really missed him and it was really surreal we met in Japan and I really thank God for the chance to meet him here again, even though it was only for a two days... But, I'm really really happy we got to meet and hang out again! I've forgotten how fun it is to hang out with him!!!


Anyway, I had to leave Luis to get to Kyoto that night... and the staff at Disney was INCREDIBLY helpful... Somehow, the platform I was suppose to take the night bus to Kyoto from did NOT exist... They tried calling up various bus offices and even sent a staff to physically find the platform...

In the end after calling Cindy, I found the map and got to know the platform... They actually had a staff escort me to the platform so I wouldn't get lost!!!

Disney JAPAN rocks! lols...

Anyway, so I got to experience one of those long distance night buses, and left Tokyo for Kyoto once again...

While we were leaving Tokyo I couldn't help but feel "wow, such ease just going back to Kyoto like this..." As if I was such a seasoned traveller.... NOT!!!!! ahahaha...

So, at 2am I finally got to sleep, with the sounds of Tsuki to Tenohira playing softly....


We reached Kyoto at 5:20 AM.


Pictures: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=313685&id=903000264

Onigiri. Why does the nori of my onigiri STILL get torn even if there are CLEARRRRRRR GRAPHICAL instructions on how to tear the plastic out correctly!


So I promised myself I won't cry in Japan. I promised myself, that I MUSTN'T.

But I remember, there had been only twice before that had I cried when a plane took off... One was when I left Malaysia for America... and the next was when I left America for Malaysia.... And the third was today.

I guess, it hurts being in Malaysia itself... There's just too many reminders about everything about him...

I know I will still think about him... But, I mustn't cry. Not in Japan.

Anyhow... I think today was the first day I hadn't thought about him a whole lot, actually, coz maybe I was thinking about Tsubaki more!!!


I was crying when I slept.... When I woke up, I saw this...



It was a really nice sunrise on the horizon..

and the clouds looked really pretty below..




Well anyway, the flight seemed short... and we touched down at Narita... I think I spent a total of 10 minutes in Tokyo... From the Narita Express, into the corridors of Tokyo Station and 5 minutes later, on the Shinkansen bound for Kyoto.


Anyway, I met up with Cindy in Kyoto and we had lunch together... After that, she took me to the hotel and the livehouse... The livehouse was nearer to the station than the hotel but she suggested we go to the hotel first before we picked the tickets up from the livehouse...


Hotel, 50 bucks! Nice and reasonable too!


After putting stuff in the hotel, we went to the livehouse...

There was NO ONE there.... But all of TSUBAKI's equipment were all in the corridor... I was hoping we could meet the band, and then, two people walked in and I recognized one of them to be OKAMOTO-SAN!!!

Cindy approached Okamoto-san and asked her about the reservation for the tickets... She told us to wait and went to get her phone... Then I told Cindy she was the drummer... Then I asked her, "Okamoto-san desu ka?" and she said, "Hai."

Then she went up to call someone...

We were on our way out, coz some guy told us that we werent' suppose to be there... As we were going back up, Okamotosan came back down with ISSHIKISAN!!!!! mauahahahahahahaha...

SOMEHOW, it's DAMNNNNNNNN weird, but Isshiki-san was handling all the online booking through the Tsubaki website!

Cindy talked some stuff to them about the booking which I totally didn't understand... Anyway Isshiki-san just told us, it's okay, I can just give my name at the ticket counter, then I can get the ticket later... since it's not sold out...

When they were mentioning my name, Isshiki mentioned about the letters I wrote to them.. Then Cindy asked me if I had written them any letters and I said I did... SOOOOOO... Isshiki-san got the letters and remembered it!!!

Anyway, I managed SOME Japanese and told them I will be going for their live on 23rd and 29th too.. Then Isshikisan said that he remembers my name for the 23rd.. Then he checked his phone and asked for my last name... So Cindy told him "Loh" and he said "Oh yes,"

Anyhoo, I guess u gotta as CINDY for what Isshiki-san and Okamoto-san really said... hahahahha..

Oh yeah I also said "Soshite, Isshikisan, Omedetou Gozaimasu."... He looked at Okamotosan and laughed, then he bowed and said thank you.

Anyways, that led us to ask them for a picture =D.... And Isshikisan said it was alright... And it would be better to take it now, coz after the live, there are too many people anyway.....

So we took a picture!!!



Ato de, I asked for autograph! AT LEAST I could say "sign ga ii desu ka?" ahahahhahahaha~

Anyway, they were both cool about it =D

ANyways, that was it!

That was Tsubaki!!!

Isshikisan is a little different from how I had imagined him to but... He's a lot smaller, for one thing ahahhahaha... But still cute, ne!


Anyway, Cindy left after that... and I went to take a walk around, since it was early...






Anyway.... After that, I went back to the hotel and went online...... TYpical me ahahahah... ACTUALLY, my leg hurts ALOT...... (excuses). SERIOUSLY! I travelled alot ok!!!


ANyway, I thought it was a really good way to start out everything... Meeting Isshiki-san and Okamoto-san...

While I was walking around.. I was thinking.... Actually, I didn't feel as HIGH or EXCITED as I had been when I met Odaka-san two years ago... I remember my heart was racing like MAD and I could not smiling the whole damn night.... But meeting Isshiki-san was almost like normal...


But that said, I realize I also thought about *him* (THE GUY) less... I also felt as if, the feeling of hurt and pain just seem a little further away...

Maybe it's just like a temporary drug (Isshiki-san and Tsubaki hahahaha) induced conscious coma... But I damn hope it lasts.

But I remember, the day after I left *him*... I remember that i told myself "it's okay, Elaine," and I thought to myself, "If i got to meet Isshiki-san, I think I will be okay," and that's why I had really wanted to meet him and I was really praying to God to let me meet him..

And really, I feel that with the great timing and AGAIN, the unexpected chance of SUDDENLY just being able to meet Isshikisan and Okamotosan without even thinking we could... We did... And Thank You God.. for having granted me this one silly prayer...



Anyway... I went to the live but was too early for it, so I decided I would walk to Kamo River.... On the Subway map it didn't look that far and I really felt like seeing the river... So i walked it......

IT WAS FAR.

But well... at least I saw it :)







Well the whole walk from the livehouse to Kamo River and back actually took A WHOLE HOUR...

When i got back to the livehouse, I could get in to buy the ticket... Ogawasan was there!!!!!! But I didn't talk to him!!!!!!! :(

I had really wanted to! But i was buying the ticket, and when I was done, he had finished packing the goods table :(

Sorry, Ogawasan, I really wanted to say hello~~~!

He was as cool as ever. hahhhaha!


Anyway..... when I was waiting for the live to start... I really felt too old perhaps.... I'm already 27, u know? I'm not 19 or 20 anymore like I was when I went for all the shows in America... I'm NOT a youth anymore.... Maybe i AM too old for this shit!!!

But really but inside me, jsut waiting there and when i was walking around thinking about the live, it just gets my heart beating in anticipation for the show!

It's just awesome, you know, BEING THERE IN THE PIT!!!!!!

That said, there are actually ALOT more older people in Japanese shows... THere were a few women who were at least 40 there, u know...

SO MAYBE I AM NOT TOO OLD AFTER ALL!!!


Anyway............

The band came on and BAM! the first song started, I almost just cried when I heard "Dekiru nara waratte...."...

It was Kinou no Kaze...............

While the didn't play Katamichi Kippu....... Starting with that song just made everything so complete....

Last year, around this time actually, when I was feeling absolute shit about SriKDU.... I was listening to this song EVERYDAY....

And everytime Isshikisan sang, "Ame no mukou ni nani ka aru?".....

At that time I always felt there TOO was something waiting for me after this rain.... After all these shit, there HAS TO BE something for me beyond that... I really believed that at that time...

And I guess, it's a feeling I want to have back now...

To believe, that after this rain, there is something waiting for me too...





ANYWAY... nothing beats the ringing in your ears, the air thick with the mass of bodies moshed together, the sensation of wind blowing in after the show.... DAMN, I really miss this feeling you know? Whether I am getting old or not, I relaly don't want to think about it... If i can keep myself thinking mentally I am perpetually 20, I WOULD.....

I will never stop going for show, I NEVER want to feel i am too old for this shit, you know... It's just.... too alive, for me to feel I'm too old for this anymore...... I don't want to feel that at all!


So after the live... there was a crowd getting out and lining up to buy Tsubaki goods...

Then as we were waiting, Isshikisan came out to meet the fans and to SELL stuff.... He's so wonderful to do that, you know... Considering he'd have to meet like 400 over people and shake the hands of over 400 people... But he did that.

And so when it came to my turn he was like "oh! Hello,"... I DIDN'T say anything to him at all except "this" and "this"... and he was so nice to take he things.. Then he said the total was "blah blah blah" and OF COZ, it was too fast and I was SUPER nervous, so i didn't get AT ALL what he said... ahahhaha.. So I just gave him all my money and he counted for me the amount and I said "sorry,"

Then he gave me the change and said "mata aimashou"... then he said "ah, 23nichi deshou?" then I said, "Hai," he was smiling and shaking my hands and THEN I TOOK MY HAND AWAY!!! he was a little shocked!! ahahahahahah.. DUDE, i wanted to shake his hands forever (very soft, his hands ahahahaha), but i don't know why i took my hand away when he was STILL GRABBING IT!!

DAMN STUPID ELAINE. U THInK EVERYDAY U GET TO TOUCH ISSHIKISAN???????????????????????????



Anyway....

My dad sent me on this trip, because he wants me to return home normal...

In the depths of my heart...

I really wish I will...

I really, really hope I'll have many more days like these....


Yes, it wasn't as exciting anymore when I met Isshiki-san... It was as if, I just can't feel truly truly excited or happy about anything.

Yes, I felt too old to be doing this shit standing there in the mosh pit with all these kids, yes, I feel that very much...

And yes, I don't know if all these temporary fleeting moments would even make a change or have any meaning at all when the day after tomorrow comes.

And yes, I don't know if this will even save me in the end, when i DO go back to Malaysia, will ALL the flood of pain return like before...


I Really don't know...

But what I do know is that...

I thought about *him* less today.

And right now, I sure as hell don't feel as bad as I did yesterday...


So thank You God, thank you dad, and yes, thank you Isshiki-san...


Soshite, Otanjoubi Omedetou Gozaimasu...

Is determination to live better out of a negative emotion necessarily a good thing? I don't quite think so.

I find myself wanting to believe that I want to make my life better. Go out more. Do more stuff. See more things.

But it's only because I want him to regret letting me go.

Because I want him to see I am happy, though I am pretending, without him and I have moved on, even though I think about him every other moment.


I find myself wanting so much to change myself and to run away and make a different life from the one I previously had...

But it's spurred by a very negative feeling.


Is that necessarily good? Even though I want to change but it's for all the wrong reasons that I do...


新しい世界へ羽ばたく時間だよ。

Today, I miss you.

i had a fight with him 2 days ago. it wasn't a fight but one of those heavy emotional talks. i was crying and i told him how i felt. not everything but partially. though everything i said came out wrong. but i told him i felt stupid. he asked me if I was jealous, but jealousy my friend, is such a messy feeling... it's never entirely all so clear cut, but how do i explain to him?

I want to destroy your happiness. HER happiness.

Such evil emotions, such an ugly feeling jealousy is. I think it's the most wreched feeling one can ever have.


But... it's not entirely about that.


He asked me, "what can i do so you won't feel like you're being used?"... It's not as if he gave a fuck or meant those words, but what can I say? Don't treat me like I'm your bitch anymore? Don't be such an asshole to me?

It's not like he can see how he's been treating me wrong. And I know he will say, "you're not even my girlfriend, why should i treat you nicer?"

Perhaps all i can say to that is "you should do it out of fucking common curtesy."


So i kept my mouth shut.


But i realized that day that perhaps the change isn't suppose to come from him but from me.

But I also realized that I have no fucking clue in this. I am completely utterly confused, incapable, unable.


You remember that time, when I liked Kevin. And he invited me out to a club one day in Seri Kembangan, I went with Debby and I got lost there. Kevin came like an hour late and I was completely lost.
That night I was incredibly totally mad at him and I scolded him and hung up on him and left the place.
But as I was driving and crying, as I always do, I decided to drive to his house and leave some muffins I had brought with me for him...

Debby could not understand why I did that.

BUT that is EXACTLY how I am.

And that is EXACTLY what I have totally been with him. Everyday, it's been like that.

No matter how much I hurt, how much I cry, how much I am dying inside seeing him, being with him, and seeing him touch and hold and love his girlfriend, how much he ignores me, uses me, misuses me.... I fucking go back.


Sometimes, i wonder if he is an asshole or I am the ass that created the asshole.

Sometimes I feel, he is the moster because I am the one who created him.

For those who are still following this page..

"مرحبا"

I know I haven't written in a long time but that's because I guess I really don't know how to put into words what I have been feeling for the past two months or more.

And everytime I do have a thought formulated, the feeling of it changes in the wake of another dawn.

Everyday since meeting him has really, really, really been a wrecking experience of how fucked up I am and how fucked up I can be.

It has taught me the depths of stupidity I can sink myself into, and the extent to which I can masochistically continue to hurt myself despite seeing the truth.

And everyday, I am fluctuating between strength and peace to utter confusion, pain, hate jealousy, depression and dispair- all within the same 10 waking hours... Or make that every 5 minutes.

Sometimes I don't even know why I continue doing it when all feelings is gone. Sometimes, the feelings come back. Sometimes there's no reason, yet I do it. Sometimes I don't even want to do it anymore yet I continue to do it without reason or feelings.

What have I become, my sweetest friend?