I don't like what I have become... I think... I know... I've forgotten what it means to live, to enjoy myself, to breathe, to try for just once and do what I like, what makes me smile, to live that finest lines that divides a night well spent from a waste of time...
I've forgotten.
It's been so long since I've last done something that I truly know I was living.
It's been so long since I've lived.
It's been so long since I've done something with my time and my life that I can say "It's life well lived, time well spent."
I feel dead these days because I don't think I'm living. I feel dead these days because there's nothing I've done lately that truly makes me feel happy.
I feel like somewhere out there trying to get through day to day, I died.
Maybe I died the moment I got on that plane at LAX and left. Maybe I died that moment between the tears and breath when I said goodbye to Michelle and Luis and bade a life farewell.
You know, I remember that day back in July... After we took that picture with Lunkhead... I remember I was standing there with Tsuyoshi and his friend just looking at the band... And Tsuyoshi said to me, "You can't stand here forever, you know."
And, turning and entering the stairway, where a last glance faded out of view... It was like, the feeling, the picture, of being so close to something you wished for all your life... and hence that moment that you walk away, your worlds starts to drift once again, further and further apart...
I always hated those moments after shows... where you know the damn band is still inside the club.... but you just.... have to leave... It's like... illogical... to have struggled, strived, longed for that moment so much... only to walk away on your own accord... I always found it illogical.
But really.... you can't stay forever, you can't stand ther-- I couldn't just have stood there looking at them forever-- I had to leave.
And I can never justify that moment.
And I wish now, I could be there again.
There where our worlds met.
I don't like to look at the picture I took with Lunkhead though I carry it with me everywhere..... I don't like to look at it because I never like to see that moment in fear of tainting the feeling or creating false memories..... But I do carry it everywhere not out of love or delusion or whatever.... But because... I like to look at it when I need a reminder that there is more to life than this. That perhaps, life can be different... and life can be less ordinary... that life was less ordinary for that one moment in time.... and that's a moment that I want to hold on when I've forgotten how to live... or what it means to be breathing, to be alive...
Think of all the fun you had, the finest line divides a night well spent from a waste of time. And think of all the days you spent alone with just your T.V. set and......"I can barely smile"
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