so why am i like this?
God knows. I swear i was born normal. i still think i am. but what is normal anyway, you know what i mean?
I didn't have a mind till i was 12. then i learnt too much. thanks to a genius for a brother who told me everything i needed to know about thermodynamics, religion, screenwriting, sociology, literature and everything else in between. then when came the time that all my peers started seeking stuff like that, i fell in love. haha! damn.
And i think these days i just don't see the point in thinking anymore. I look through blogs and i see some 15-year-old who is tremendously talented, interlectual, radical and ambitious and i get intimidated... But you know what? Looking back in retrospect, I was like that too... minus the talented part, i still think i can't write for shit.
And these days i just think that i missed out on the fun part of being a young, carefree teenager, you know. I never got to make myself pretty and had boys chased after me and shit like that, i never had my rebellious stages up at night drinking at 16, i didn't have all that.
Instead i was worrying about the future 10 years in advance if i was going to live my life less ordinary or not and if history would ever remember my name.
but you know.... looking back now at it all... do i regret? I dont think i do, but yet... maybe i do.
In the end all my plans came to naught. You know what i mean? Ok, but for the fact that I am in southern california and i got to see 99% of all the bands i had once wanted to see... besides all that....
I don't know.
I once asked a friend what his philosophy of life was about... And he told me that his philosophy of life is not to philosophize about life because he'd rather be doing stuff and living than to be thinking about living-- and i say that was an absolutely brilliant answer that i really have to take to heart.
As Blink 182 puts it- "Sometimes I sit at home and wonder if she's sitting at home thinking of me and wondering if I'm sitting at home, thinking about her or am I just wasting my time wasting my time thinking about a girl?"
And i feel that applies alot to our philosophizing ourselves to death about the meaning of life. For goodness sake! You're 16! You're 18! The meaning of life and the secrets of the star will not be known! As is not meant to be known at 18! At 16, at 18 you're suppose to be young and joyous and loving and care free! Not let your mind be bogged down by abstract thought that there is never really a concret answer to! And even if there was..... So what?! Does that make your life any happier? Any much more fulfilled??? So much more.... meaningful? The answer is no! It will not be!
And you know what? the meaning of life will never be known by sitting in your room thinking about it... by the time you realize it, you know what? the millions of opportunities that has knocked on your door that will show you and become to you the meaning of life, will by then be lost and wasted...
and in the end of the day all you will still be is a naive 18-year-old sitting in bed thinking about ellusive things that you can never grasps or understand because it was never meant to be thought out but to be lived.
so go out boys and girls and come on feel the sun- the day is waiting for you to be embraced. You are young, and you are free and this is the only time in your life you can truly say "there is so much more time"... and certainly there is... the grave awaits us yet so let the sleeping dogs lie. The meaning of life and and life beyond lies far ahead of us-- so don't get so caught up in it. You will only tend to be more confused.
I have found out that i had learnt more about life- by having lived it. I find myself a more wholesome person, a better person, having done things that scared me, having dug myself out of my shell and forced myself to do things that i don't feel like doing-- and in the end, although i may have learnt alot from those years of learning about myself by thinking, i have learnt much more about life and my place in it, by living- than i could have ever, by just thinking.
because at the end of the day, you could have philosophized till you have blown your mind, but yet, you're still there lying in your bed with the same four walls around you and still not grown an inch in life-- or you could have just say "screw it", stopped thinking just once and just done it, and you will not understand or know why the heck are you lying there in the middle of Grand Canyon with a bunch of people you don't really know- but hell, at the end of your life in your deathbed you could say "and i've known it all..."
and that, my friend, is what life is.
or at least to me, that is what really is the most important.
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