ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

Deconstructing Alan

Have you ever loved something so much that the only way to let it go was to destroy it?

I guess sometimes you need to look for things that you don't want to see and in hopes that in seeing it your eyes will be opened and revealed and you can finally see Truth as it is, and reality would shine through the bullshit you have constructed around it, around him.

And don't message me asking me who's alan because alan is all those that have come before you the people you could never loved but you did and you fucked up and you held on and you couldn't let go and you wanted to grasps for that moment of reality that never came or always came to late for you after your heart has been jaded and you don't think you can breathe anymore if a breath is not taken with him.

And you look through the pages looking for a glimps of him but all you ever need is just that one glimps. And i need something to tell me it wasn't real and he wasn't as beautiful and i want to grasps that moment because the moment ic omeing too late. I want to see the ugliness and the reality of it all to see him as it is but i know that the moment won't come just yet. I just want to know, want to forget. want to have never met. but who am i kidding?

Maybe just maybe he's not as beautiful as i thought him to be then maybe it's so much easier to let go of a moment that i held on for too long.oh are you not the history of all my mistakes of all that i did and could never make it. could never fake it. but i'd rather have faked it if it meant that i could have had one more moment with you. I would never sell my soul but by gosh, i would have so very sold myself.

And all these stupid words now to capsulize a feeling i can never capture, not in a moment, not in a picture. that i would never find, oh God please let me see him again. God please. that's all i ask of You. Just one more time.

I have to love till it's ruined then i will love no more. Because that's how i've always been and i want to crush all that is beautiful till there's nothing left and i can't hold on anymore because there is nothing left to hold onto. but that is how i love in my destructive ways but i need to know that i tried all that i could and i have burnt the remains till the ashes smothers away in the wind, blown and gone and gone and gone and gone.

but God just please give me that one more chance to ruin this all. please, just that one more chance... so that i can let go, so that i can seek is face no more. that when i see his picture, my heart will not skip a beat, not my breath run out on me. I want to let go, i want to let go, i want this to be gone, till there is no more.

I need it to be so. i... want? it to be so.

perhaps, maybe, the moment will pass and the pages will turn and one day i'll see his face as it is- and i will see that there's nothing really to hold onto, there is really nothing so special about this boy. it was all for the night- it was all for the night- there is nothing special- and i will see it as it is... but God right now...

i'm waiting, i waiting till it's over....

it's over now?