i feel like a bitch to satoshi. he didn't answer my call. then his cell phone is turned off. why? he usually picks up or call back even if it's 1am. did i piss him off? i feel like a bitch. i don't hate myself. i've come to realize that i like who i am and fuck u and fuck u too to anyone who don't fucking like me for who i am. sorry, but u are not the center of the fucking universe. not mine anyway. so fuck u and fuck u too. but that's just me. and i like how i am and i'm sorry if u don't like me this way cause i like me this way. not in a narccistic way but in the way that i am happy and contented with myself u know. so u know. but i do feel like a bitch sometimes and i know that i can be quite a bitch. i would like to think that i am a nice person and i try to be the best i can but i can't sometimes. sometimes when i want something and i want it now for my own, i can be quite a bitch. i can't ever be docile but i want to be nice at least u know, i don't like to backstab people or treat them like shit. i like to give everyone a benefit of a doubt and although if someone is a bitch to other people, i want to like them and try to understand them and try to see why they are the way they are and i like to want to see the best of people instead of their ugliness. I want to believe that everyone is innately good, and it's only because of something that happened to them that fucked them up abit. i believe that everyone in their heart is good. and if they treat others like shit, it's just because of some insecurity in them or something they are hiding. i don't believe that anyone is born evil and do evil for the hell of it because they are evil. i don't think so. i don't believe that. i believe that everyone just wants their own place in the world and all of them are looking for love and just want to be loved. i want to believe that.
and if i am ever a bitch to u... it's only because i just wanted something... it's not cause i want to be evil and cause u harm... and i'm just sorry if i do.
I hope satoshi calls back. he's cool and he's a sweetie... but i'm just really sorry that he's not someone that i could kiss.. damn i wish he was =( *sigh* and i'm sorry if i was a bitch to him cause i really was. he's so damn nice and here i am fucking betraying him and shit, fuck me. yeah fuck u elaine, go fucking die. fuck, fuck, fuck. if i had pills i would have taken them i am considering of taking some pills and sleep forever, maybe like a week till the 28th then wake up for days away... but fuck, already missed classes cannot fucking take pills tonight elaine, cannot fucking take any more pills... do it tomorrow night then u can sleep through the whole fucking weekend but make sure u wake up on monday morning for race class. don't fuck up again, please elaine, don't fuck up again.
maybe i should call him again... i'm depressed. ah. crap. oh well. nevermind. tomorrow elaine, tomorrow. let sleeping dogs lie.
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