Today I prayed to God about.
Today I was thinking about things and I felt God absent, distant, forsaking.
It’s probably because I myself who’s been neglecting God but I felt God so silent and just so not at all present the past few weeks in terms of the whole thing with Hoshino.
I wasn’t even praying for anything but I’ve just been asking for help from God for things to be better between Hoshino and I... but things just kept falling further down and down and kept getting worse like there was just no rock bottom to how bad it can get.
And I felt God was so completely absent in this because it was like He was completely not there, not hearing at all all my pleas for help.
The whole thing with Hoshino has just been eating me up for so many weeks and yet even though I asked God please help, please just let things be okay, He was just silent.
And this morning thinking about the whole thing, I just felt God’s complete absence.
So there’s that part.
And then there’s the Hoshino part.
After calling him TWICE yesterday and both times he didn’t even pick up my call, it was really over, you know?
And this morning I woke up feeling even shittier than I did last Monday after my crying and running away from Hoshino and Utsunomiya on Sunday.
Coz... his not picking up my calls and he didn’t even return my calls means that he really wants nothing to do with me now. It really means I had truly fucked up and fucked yo for real this time. Because the ball is in his court and he’s not playing. It’s like whether his “anger” towards me was perceived only by my paranoia and securities, by him not responding to my call NOW, now that I made the first move for a peace offering, really meant that he didn’t want to talk to me at all anymore, at least for the time being.
And I felt so wrecked today more than I was last week because this time, it was absolute.
And so, in my wretched state, I could do nothing more than just cry to God, to beg God. And I prayed for God to grant me the desire of my heart. For God to help make right all the wrongs I’ve made. I prayed for the desire of my heart, not for Hoshino, but just for Hoshino and I to be like we were before. I begged God to fix what I had broken.
And while I was praying I was thinking about how we should pray with expectation that it has already been given. I didn’t quite know if I believed that.
But I begged God anyhow for help. For help. For help. For the desire of my heart- right or wrong. For His help. Because there’s no other Help that can make any difference.
But I begged Him, with the same desperation I always do.
Although I’m not sure if I was begging for something different.
And then a few hours later, Hoshino called back.
I decided to not bring up anything from last week since I didn’t want things to be bad again. So I just pretended to be my usual cheerful self, completely pretend like nothing last week happened, and just asked him out again.
Anyway, conversation went okay. He was a bit taken aback that I had still asked him out and he did feel reluctant to go out (well after the emotional garbage I threw at him, I shouldn’t blame him for being reluctant!). But we got talking and he seemed okay and we ended on an okay, peaceful note.
So it means I can still listen to silaph’s songs 10 years for now and not have to regret shit.
So that said.
God.
I don’t think God answered my prayers positively just to answer.
He’s ALWAYS answering, just not the way I want him to.
And His answering negatively to my always begging for help made me just feel God was absent and distant and aloof, not even there.
But I don’t think God is good just because He answered the way I asked, God is good all the time regardless of whether we got what we prayed for.
But I think God answered positively this time as an assurance that He is there. He’s always been there and he’s still here and he’ll always be here.
It’s just my own lack of perception and understanding and also my own distance and abandonment of God that made me feel His void.
So I think God wanted to remind me that He’s here, and He does care, and He does hear.
So, thank You, Lord, even though the failure has always been mine, not yours and never yours.
Help me to see, Lord. To see your presence in the my perception of the absence of your response to my desires. Help me, Lord. Help me to understand your help when your help is not what I think is help for me.
I think... I feel like I’m like Peter who suddenly falls into the water and almost drowns and calling out to Jesus, Lord! Save me!
God is still eye rolling I bet.
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