i feel like I need everyday, something to remind me that there is more to life than this daily grind. And there has to be more to the meaning of life.
I was watching the Japanese series "Orange Days" yesterday. It was quite a poignant series because it was about five friends who are about to graduate from university and the series dealt alot with the questions of what to do with life. What really makes us happy?
Being in the Japanese system, of course the series dealt with one of the guys having to face the prospect of being a Japanese salaryman after graduation. And it started off with him saying that it didn't matter what job it was, as long as it was a job.
And another girl in the series later echoed the sentiment with saying that she finds herself just looking for a job to support her lifestyle... But if she was saying that if she just took any job that she could get, she felt that she would not be living... that, whenever she sees the sunset, she won't stop to look at the sunset and think "wow, what a beautiful sunset, another lovely day." Because just having any job won't make her feel alive.
You know... Watching that, thinking about that... Being here everyday... Makes me know more and more that I don't want to be a teacher.
No, it's not because the job sucks. But it's actually because, this is real and this job is really being a real teacher. And.......... it is NOT what I want. I really don't mind tutoring, but to be a teacher? Totally not. I don't think it's helping any. Your class is super big (and this is a private school, at 28, I already think it's too big), and I don't think you can help those who really need to be helped. So........ I think that just make things even more meaningless.......... To make it worse, I guess.... most of the SriKDU students really don't give a fuck about their studies. So, it really makes all these toil and effort so pointless..... and there's no meaning to it, all, you know...
So.
I wish life was a series.
Then at least we might be assured of a good end....
Unless it's a Japanese or Korean or Taiwanese series.
"but eventually, they must push forward because so much awaits them."
My student asked me today, "Teacher, what kind of a ship are you?"
And I answered him, "A sinking ship."
I had a talk with Phooi Wah yesterday and... I've always realized through talking with her that I am a person who NEEDS control over my life-- I'm a person who must know that I am the one who has the options, and I am the one who decides.
But I find these days that the more I try to hold on, the more I worry and want to control over my own fate and my own future, the more it is seemingly spiralling out of control, out of my grasps-- out of what I had imagined.
I don't know but.... wasn't there suppose to have been more to life than this? Than worrying about class lessons, students and their parents? Shouldn't it be more?
The truth is that........... I know I am a good teacher, or I can be a good teacher, but the truth is that, I DON'T want to be a teacher. I guess, I don't see it like Ms Moey or Mrs Tan does, to see the lives they've changed... because I am worrying more about the screw ups that I can't help, and I am thinking and worrying more about what I have to do or what I must do or what I failed to do.... when really.... part of me really don't care... I don't care to help those who doesn't want to help themselves. I'd much rather tell them to go play far far, you dig your own grave, put the nail to your own coffin. Don't expect me to be your mom or your dad to save your sorry ass because life is what you make of it.
Perhaps. But 11-year-olds don't understand that, do they?
No, they don't.
And it's even harder to see... the point to all these. Because they students really don't give a damn. They don't give a damn if you're good or bad or nice or not. They're just there and they're just unfazed by everything.
If I could split my class up, I'd divide them into a whole lot of different groups. Let the ones who want to play to go play. The ones who want to study, work to do. Then ones who don't give a fuck, to fuck off. And the ones who are weak, I will go help.
And there will be peace and order.
We seek our own destinies after all... In the end, we're responsible for our own lives.
I think..., philosophical bullshits aside, your reasons become meaningless... not insufficient, but just, meaningless... and you just need the quick fix to get you through the next hour.
Perhaps the lax in MCKL allowed me to philosophize too much about life and the future. But all that aside, there's really nothing more here beyond the next lesson plan and thoughts about class control or how well the lesson will be received.
I guess... I want nothing more but my next paycheck.
I just want to see Japan again.
I just want to stand there in Lunkhead moshpit and just feel as if all the stupid hard work shit displeasure for the past months was all worth it for that 90 minutes of pure euphoria.
Is that the way to live life?
Who knows.
I just want to be in Japan, I suppose-- Delusions and illusions aside, mighty as they are: There has to be a reason for doing all these bullshit.
I still can't bring myself to hate my noisy ass students. I just want to get through the class and not be fried or fired for letting it get out of hand... I guess, I have a REALLY high tolerance after all. Thank God. Cause really, it was REALLY REALLY REALLY terribly noisy today and 70% TOTALLY UNCONTROLLABLE..... but if I wasn't scared of complaining parents, I really wouldn't care.
Rin-chan has been left in Kaede-baachan’s care and is living with her.
We see Kagome and Inuyasha talking, and then Sesshoumaru turns up
Kagome: “Onii-saan!” (She was calling him ‘older brother’. Like how Souta calls her ‘Older sister’ instead of her name. Usually she just calls Sesshoumaru Sesshoumaru, so it’s kind of cute that she’s using ’san’. The kanji were ‘giri’ + ‘ani’ = brother in law, but you still pronounce the same as normal brother.)
We see Sesshoumaru looking disgruntled… and Inuyasha looking disgruntled, too
I sat through 558 chapters only to have RIN BE LEFT WITH KAEDE????????????? WTF?!
Sure, Sesshoumaru comes to visit but STILL!!!!!!! HE LEFT HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think students don't fail the system, it's the system that failed the students.
From the first week at SriKDU, this is my observation.
I teach mainly 3 classes, 5 Dickens, 6 Edison and 6 Galileo, and a forth,.6 Columbus.
Before I started work, I was really terrified by the horror stories that the teachers said about the students: miss behavior, naughty, won't listen, noisy, etc. Like I said, I was so terrified because, to think that two RESPONSIBLE teachers, the two teachers with the most experience, probably, would be willing to leave their students just 3 months before UPSR. It's quite unthinkable, you know...
Looking at that, I was really scared.
And I really wanted to learn alot more about class control, and I still do...
But now, being in the system and seeing the students themselves, from what I see, I think the system has failed the students, not that the student failing the system.
I UNDERSTAND why the teachers are so damn stressed out and are screaming at the top of their lungs to get class control it's because.... THEY ARE TOO STRICT. Actually, it's because they are too RIGID.
I see the teachers and listen to how they say the students are "rude" and "disrespectful". But within my heart, seeing the students-- I don't think they are rude and disrespectful at all... I think they're just very VOCAL, very AMERICAN, and just well... very... kids. They're children you know?
And I don't think it's the student who are disrespectful or rude, but just the teachers who are not seeing that kids these days have changed.
And I feel that their "inappropriate" behavior are made even worse because of the rigidity.
Kids these days are growing up in such a liquid and vast world-- they think more, they talk more, they see more, they learn more, they know more, they have so much more than any other generations before that-- For that, they are such different creatures from what we are. There is NO WAY we can expect them to be like us AT ALL. They're simply NOT, and they simply CAN'T.
And these "inappropriate" or "problematic" students are made progressively worse by this system that does not recognize their difference and their uniqueness. Sure our motto hails that all the kids are individual and unique beings, but bullshit, that is totally NOT addressed in class. Whatever "non conforming behavior" is simply cut down, punished, stigmatized and therefore made worse.
Ever wonder why the student didn't turn the leaf around? Is because he was never seen as anything more than just a nuisance in class. If we truly believed that he is a unique and individual being, then we should have recognized that he has a different learning needs than the usual "I AM THE TEACHER THEREFORE I AM KING" attitude and mentality in teaching.
I mean i know as a teacher i should control them... But like yesterday... The two so-called "problematic" students in 6 Galileo were doing their work... just that they were more noisy in doing it than the rest of the class, but they were doing work.... So how can i punish them? What for? what will it achieve? They have already been labelled as BAD STUDENT for such small things...
Imagine, psychologically... At 12, u are already labelled as BAD BOY.... c'mon, what would that do to the kid? You think he will become worse or better?? Some may become better but we can already see that punishment won't make him change, so what for punish even more?????
Teaching doesn't just take passion and sacrifice, I feel... I'm beginning to learn here that, teaching takes much more than that. Perhaps it takes compassion, it takes-- I suppose, it takes us changing ourselves too.
Don't get me wrong. I say these things, but I am damn hard core conservative in my beliefs too. I DO believe that kids are getting "progressively worse". And I do think that teachers should guide students. That teachers should be there to control things. That teachers should be a yardstick, a compass of some sort.
But... the more I see SriKDU, actually, the more I feel that I too must change.
I've learnt today that, I believe that in this new system, we cannot just impose our values on our students. They are different beings and therefore, should be understood as such.
Yes, I also have students who are super smart and hardworking and the best students you can ever dream of... Then there are the SUPER PLAYFUL ones... Then you have the ADDs or the ADHDs... Then those who are downright annoying... Then the needy attention seekers..... Then, we also have the one or two who are, well, insane.... Then, who can forget all the the Southpark Cartmans in class.... Then in contrast to that, I have the super quiet ones that are just there..... and then the delinquents... They're all varied you know.... And REALLY.... actually, SriKDU is a breed of its own.......
BUT because of that, you just... CAN'T teach them the way you teach other kids... They're NOT like that and teachers have to recognize that they're not... That the problem is not in the students not fitting into your nice discipline mold, but that you need to make that mold more liquid to accommodate and to encapsulate all these types of people, in hopes of making a system where the kids can learn and grow the way they were born and meant to grow.
MAYBE in that sense, I totally am NOT suited to be an Primary School teacher. If one's philosophy in education is that the teacher must be the moral guide and yardstick of the children, then I am totally unsuitable for it.
Because i really don't agree with controlling the students too much sometimes... And, like I said, I don't think I should impose MY values on them. As someone older, I feel I should only advice them and show them what I think, but I don't think they MUST be like me or conform to MY ways.....
Maybe I am totally unsuitable as a primary teacher because my ultimate goal is not to shape them to be like me, or to shape them to be subservient followers. I would like them to learn, I would like them to be smart about things, I want them to discover the world for themselves and not from what the teacher says.
I feel that my role is as an English teacher. I shall correct their English and teach them the usage of the language. And I want my role to be as.... perhaps... an older friend, one who has my own opinion on life because I have lived longer, and I have these wealth of experience they can learn from, or that I want to impart on them... But NOT to IMPOSE on them.
I guess the word to use when it comes to teaching for me is to IMPART and not to IMPOSE.
If a parent complains I am too nice then i really want to tell them "the only way to control your kids is to scream at the top of my lungs to control them, critizise them for their every fault and reign down on them like a tyrrant. Because at this school, nothing less than that can get them to pay attention. But i dont believe in puttin a child down."
On one of the days, I saw one student who went to see his maths teacher in the staffroom.. The teacher was with another BM teacher... And when they student just said "Ms....." . The BM teacher just EXPLODED and screamed at the top of her lungs at him for not saying "Excuse me."... She just berated him for being "rude" and "no manners" and the teachers are always saying how the students are just so rude...
Dude, they're not rude, man. They're just vocal. And different. It's not like the student is outright challenging you, he's just that way.
In fact, I find it even more rude, when when of my student questions MY teaching, you know what I mean? Because in that sense, that's when they're proud and think they know more than you. But some of these students, they're not being rude, they're just hyperactive and excited, and they're just kids!
Like, I'm sorry, I guess I am fucked up that way, but I found my "good" student in 6 Edison more rude when she questioned in this mocking matter "you didn't tell us we should not mark in blue pen? And are you sure you want us to correct our answers in blue pen? Blue and red will look so weird." Than when my other student in 6 Galileo used "Dumbass" or "stupid" in my other class.
So what!? Dumbass is just mouthing off man. But who the fuck cares if it's a fucking blue or red pen??
I guess my dad is right, it takes a fucked up person like me to deal with equally problematic kids. And I guess I am fucked up that way. For goodness sake, I use "FUCK" a fuck lot more than my students (albeit they're 14 years younger).
I want my students to be thinking. That's all. I don't give a fuck if you can score 100% on your exam but you can't grow yourself a brain. BUT, if you can think on your own, you have your own ideas, you don't do things just because you're told but because you want to do it, and you dance perfectly to the tune of you own drum, then I congratulate you. Of course, it's even better if you're LOUD and SMART at the same time, yeah!! haha...
But I just think it's being a hypocrite if I criticize them and punish them for being lazy or cursing in class. C'mon dude, I was never a great student! I barely did any of my homework! I barely paid attention in class. And albeit I never said "fuck" in front of my teachers, it's not as if I had never used the word either!
How could I penalize the students for all that when I'm also a culprit???
Like I said.... I want them to be smart. Have a brain. Not just.... answer questions, score A in their UPSR... What's the value in that? Even monkeys can pass UPSR.... Unless they're going for Harvard or Caltech or MIT in 6 years, just let be, you know?
I guess... Really, they're kids. And I want them to be kids. They can't behave like adults... But, part of me, I certainly want to reason with them like adults... I don't want to ask Carter and Corey to shut up and to punish them for mouthing off or anything else and punish them like a kid.. Albiet their actions are childish, but, I feel that they are smart enough to reason with. I want to tell them that, yes, I may allow them to misbehave because I don't care... but their classmates (AND THEIR RICH PARENTS!) do. And that their behavior doesn't need to be 100% porcelain doll, but just not riotous to a point of disturbing their classmates.
I'm terrible also in the sense that i feel that, if the teachers before had not INSISTED on perfect silence, the other students too, would have gotten used to studying in an environment of acceptable noise! I just feel that, you need to allow room for those who are different, you know?
Actually...
Now....
I'm more afraid of the GOOD STUDENTS and their PARENTS, than I am with the problematic students of 6 Galileo...
Anyway, personally, I feel that...... people will change and people will grow... Our crap habits will change and evolve... and WE will change and evolve.... I believe that morality, I believe our personal heart and the compass of that heart is not something learnt from school... It is inborn, and it is learnt from life and the myriad of things we learn in life.
That said...
anyway........ i'm just scared about the good students
and.........
i hope it won't get worse with Carter and Corey.
i want to give them a chance...... but maybe I'm just freshed and inexperienced.
But.... sometimes I know.... looking at the kids... When I look at them smile and be enthusiatic. When they give me smart answers. So damn cute. I know, I know, I know, so deeply in my heart, that I am just naturally incapable of making these noisy ones feel bad about themselves, or make them hate me..... I can't you know....
Naturally, I know I am not someone who has a hard heart to scold them.... I know, even if i tried to be stricter, it would not be natural for me... I can be, I suppose, but it's not what I naturally am...
So..... SIGHHHHHHH............. I guess... I just have to find a way to stop Carter and Corey from cursing in class..... I also have to find a way to deal with the noise.
And most of all...
I will have to find a way to deal with the COMPLAINING PARENTS because I have a bad feeling they're gonna come HOUNDING for my head on a platter soon enough!
Do you cry? Are you unable to move? Still, do you try to advance by some means? Such as to be living without meaning, without crying, because it is safe.
It is uneasy, scary, and it feels weak at the knees. Still, turning to face ahead. Because I sincerely think that it is true strength.
The one step where you begin to walk hesitatingly, someone has hesitatingly walked more than 100 kilometers too, because it is safe, There is no difference in how significant it is.
While hesitating, while fragile Still, turning to face ahead. I sincerely think that it is true strength.
While hesitating, while fragile While still turning to face ahead, While eyes are swelled, While wiping tears, While gazing only ahead, While stumbling, While struggling, At times you turn around to the back, You take a rest, rely on, lean against someone. After that, its good to continue to push ahead.
And Like all things we've learnt in life, we move on, life goes on, the sun also rises, and that tomorrow that you didn't want to come has dawned, and has ended to become one of the many yesterdays.
There was many things I wanted to say about leaving... But I suppose I'll just leave it at that.
I will miss the morning and the sunrises. I will miss the nostalgia of the place. I will miss the placid and sweet memories of the times I had there with the department, with the events, and with the people: lunches, classrooms, awards night, barbecue night, sports carnival, chatting in the library, the student lounge, the view from the third floor and all those days we came early or stayed back late, in the sunrise and in the sunset. And I shall definitely miss the students very much.
I guess... Brickfields will always have a special place in my heart... And I guess to list all the things that I remember of the place, of MCKL, and of the great people I met in MCKL, would be abit too long and abit too much..... But I do know that I miss them all very much.
I wonder if the sky is still the same sky. I know it is.... but the feelings are always different, isn't it? The sky in America is the same as the sky here, yet, I can't even remember anymore how the sky looked when I was there. The sky in Japan is different from the sky in Brickfields but yet in the morning light, it always reminds me of sunsets in Japan.... I wonder will it ever feel the same again, now that I can't ever see the lights of the sky against the city as it rises...?
MONDAY:
TUESDAY:
WEDNESDAY:
THURSDAY:
LAST DAY:
I took a pic from my car where i used to park when I first started... I really like that view because you can see the sunrise really pretty against Kuen Cheng school.... And the second pic is of the sunrise as seen from the second floor... The third is of MGS... because I thought, when the new building is constructed, we won't ever get to see this view of MGS again....
And also, with the students on Friday.... I guess... it's fine to leave now, since 0701 is leaving too.... Since I joined the college just 2 weeks after they started, now I'm leaving 2 weeks before they end.... And.... you know, I remember meeting Daniel, Adrian, Melvin and Michael when everything was just fresh and new back in Church in December when i first came back.... And so much has changed since then.... so much has been lost, and so many other things have been formed.... but now... it all ends....
It was really wonderful for Vanessa to set the whole dinner up and got people to go. I'm really happy that Rachel was so wonderful to come after she had said she couldn't make it... I'm also really happy that Ean Wearn (eh is dat how to spell her name??) took the time though she initially might not be able to make it... Also, for Vivian, Chun Kit and Shu Xin who was also not keen on coming but came in the end also. For Benjamin and Ee Yun too for being kind enough to take the time... And of course, I'm really happy that Daniel took the time to come and it was nice to see him and talk with him again =) I' feels really nice to be with him like before again....
Thank you, everyone.... I wrote it back in August last year, you're what makes MCKL so great, and my time there was never wasted because of you, because of all of these.... Thank you....
With Everyone...
Ean Wearn, Vanessa...
Strangers =__________= ......... the fat one and the thin one.
みんな、本当にありがとう。
I guess.... MCKL and the memories of MCKL mean so much to me because.... MCKL was the only thing that was there in my life after America... Since I came home, there was that three months. But after that, since then, all my memories of America is all tied and associated with Methodist College.... So, really, I guess, I really don't know of a life in Malaysia other than the life I had in MCKL..... So, then, here ends the life I knew after America, and something else now begins.
This is Saigo no Uta (Last Song) by Radwimps.... I remember I really liked Radwimps back in March... and one day I drove really early to college on Saturday, and it was raining REALLY heavily.... The gate wasn't opened yet and I was sitting in my car outside under the rain and the song was raining.... So, actually, Radwimps' songs really reminds me of that month.....
Somehow... it's so hard to leave MCKL. It's just a job but it's as if I'm leaving a part of me. I think it's also made harder because I'm really worried about SriKDU.... So, it's like, I know there's so so so much good things and so very very many good people at MCKL I am leaving... And at the same time, it's like such gloom and dread I am leaving all these goodness for and heading towards.... It just makes it that much harder to go.....
Is this an ACTUAL love confession by Natsume?????? The woman that I love!! WOWOWOWOWOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CHO SWEET YO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I simply think this series is amazing!! Chapter after chapter Tachibana Higuchi is amazing!! It's such a tense series yet so heartwarming especially with regards to Natsume/Mikan's relationship!!! She comes up with the best things ever!! It's never toooooooooooo sweet romance you feel like choking yourself. She puts it in all those really small but sweet ways!! I love it!!!!!
I've uploaded the scanslation of the chapters I really liked!!! There are more great Mikan/Natsume moments of course, but I really love these ones!!! Just click on the image to go to the next page!
Chapter 72~~!!
Mikan learns to create an alice stone... While the one she creates was TINY and no one wanted her alice type (nullification), Mikan thought hard about who would need her alice the most and she thought of Natsume! So in the dark she searches for him and really finds him and gives him her alice stone!! THe next day, she finds a RED (usually Natsume's color for his fire alice) alice by her window! SO sweet!!! Especially the part she grabs her hand... and I like how she says too bad it her stone is too small but Natsume thinks to himself "But it is enough..." SO SWEET!
Chapter 91~ This is a really funny a sweet chapter! Mikan and co.'s souls all gets mixed up!! Then Mikan goes hunting for Bear's soul and thinks that it's in Natsume's body... But actually, Natsume is Natsume! She then confides in "bear" about her confusion about Natsume's feelings for her... Then Natsume holds her hand!!! SO SUPER SWEET!!
Chapter 94~
SUPER SWEET CHAPTER!!!! Mikan cries alone in the bedroom over Tsubasa-sempai and Natsume.... As she is crying, Natsume enters her room through the window telling her he came because he thought she'd be crying alone... And they both hug each other comforting each other in the darkness..... SUPER SAD!!!!
Chapter 46~
Mikan, Natsume, Tsubasa and Ruka is being attacked... When Mikan is attacked, Natsume protects her with his fire and gets hurt in the process... Mikan sees him hurt but still fighting so strongly against the formidable opponent... THEN at that moment seeing him there, she finally understands the life Natsume lives and how different it was from their lives... and she understood the darkness he had to bear that made him how he was always so moody and silent and angry. Then she stands up and tells him that he doesn't need to protect her and she will protect herself. She tells him she will stand by him and use their alice together. (Remember her's is a nullifying alice that can protect Natsume from getting hurt by his own alice or by overusing his own alice) And she tells him that he shouldn't be the only one getting hurt all the time. He looks so touched by her words... because I suppose, this is the first time, someone was there with him to fight, and he didn't have to fight alone.... HOW SWEET~!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 86~
This is during the sports carnival arc where Natsume has to be mean to Mikan because he is being threatened by the higher ups... This was after the "suki na hito" (the person I like) confession chapter... It's really sad in these two chapters Natsume cannot show Mikan his true feelings and instead he has to be mean to her that hurts her very much... And the only way for him to show his feelings to her is behind a mask... SO SUPER TOUCHING BUT SO SUPER SAD!!!!
I didn't include the "suki na hito" chapter although I really like it and it's really really sweet!!! Besides these parts I also REALLY REALLY like the pre Hanazonokai arc where Natsume and Mikan gets stuck together (literally) but when they can seperate, Natsume doesn't let go... I like how that night he tells her "Please quiet for now. After tomorrow ends, I'll give you to Ruka...".... So sweet and sad!!! But... KINDA confusing no??? wth is Natsume about anyway???
ALL SCANS TRANSLATION AND SUCH IN THIS POST GOES TO THE VARIOUS RESPECTIVE GROUPS AND TRANSLATORS/SCANNERS.. FOR THE CHAPTERS I TOOK: IGC GROUP, Aminatsu032, JE-Gakuenalice. Thank you to Sora-san, Applechips, and all the translators and scanslators without which, we would never have Gakuen Alice in English. Thank you. All KUDOS goes out too them.
Now that goodbyes to students and staff and departments have been said, it's time to say goodbye to the place and feelings and memories attached to it.
I love mornings in Brickfields. And somehow, it's even more nostalgic if I am looking at the morning sky and watching the waking streets listening to Lunkhead or Tsubaki...
I guess I really love the nostalgic feeling that mornings in Brickfields give me. It always reminds me of my childhood, i suppose, and oddly, it also reminds me of the mornings or perceived mornings in Japan. It's weird but it's true and it's a feeling I really love, a feeling that I will come to miss.
I'm sad that when I leave, I won't be able to see the sun rise over the city again, and I won't feel again these feelings that warm my heart and remind me of a place farther away. I'm sad to know I will probably lose touch of this nostalgia of the city and be enclosed in the sterility of the suburbs.... And it's this nostalgic warmth in my heart that I feel sad to say goodbye to...
I guess that's why I love the mornings here. It's just different you know. And it always reminds me of a different place and a different time, and an ideal, a dream feeling.
And these are the feelings that I don't want to lose in leaving.
