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i keep having this song play in my head "the last goodbye I'll ever say to you"
so here it is
http://www.sendspace.com/file/10mmle
so here it is
http://www.sendspace.com/file/10mmle
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Said even more last goodbyes today. somehow it's hard. i keep wanting to see the friends again and again...
but, saw taku the last time, chris the last time, michelle the last time... and professor wall the last time...
it's hard you know... it's hard to say goodbye... not hard to say it but just... a little sad after...
so the countdown is here... but i think i don't really think about it... i think i systematically try to deny or avoid thinking about how many days i have left, although i am constantly counting it but i just won't allow myself to feel the reality of the situation and the gravity of the impending end.
I think about it alot. but i try not to put it into context like "HERE is THAT day i've always thought about and contemplated and dreaded to come." I try not to think about it that way or put such weight into that day... but yet i know...
Been going out with a lot of friends lately you know... hearing about their lives and jobs and school and paying off debts and future jobs and all that stuff... so ordinary, like i will be here come tomorrow...
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?????????????????????????
I always told myself that this is a phase in your life elaine, a phase and a time in your life... and that's what it is. That even if you came back, even if you stayed, even if you came back, it wouldn't be the same. Because this is the phase, and once it's gone and the time and arrangements have passed, that was it. it's over. and the feelings and the moment and the arrangement of it all can never be repeated or duplicated or replayed again like how it was because it's a phase and when it's gone, it's gone.
it's a little sad to think of it that way, but, somehow, thinking that way gives me a certain strength to move on knowing that this time is ending, and i want to believe that this was the expiration date, and it didn't mattered if i stayed or not.... it still would not be the same because this is a phase and this phase is gone.
that is what i want to believe.
and that is what gives me strength to move on.
life is long right? and the world is wide...
and i hope there will be other chapters in my life....
and i am looking forward to that.
as I had longed to leave Malaysia since I was 14 with the belief that life is more than the confines of the four walls of my room, I will still believe in that that, and I hope i will fight to leave once again, still with the believe that the world is wide and life is long and there is more to this world than the four walls of my room as i had believed all those years ago when i was 14.
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Professor Wall said to me today as her parting words to me: "Elaine don't sell out. Be yourself. Don't change who you are. Be bad."
funny coming from a professor who knows the amount of CLASSES i've SKIPPED! and assignments I've botched! Damn, Dr. Wall, do you REALLY believe that is actually good for me??? :S
elaine
-plastic umbrella and i mean ?????-
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