Television will Save You.
I bet is that TV is better than reality. duh. No anyway, television will save you. I think like, I have a tendency to revert into TV when i get too depressed/hopeless and what have you not about life.
Truth is that although the past 5 days of my life has been pathetic, nevertheless it has been soothing, nevertheless it has been quite peaceful, and i am left, happy, not happy maybe but at least at peace.
I remember that like maybe 2 years ago, i got really depressed about life. duh, what else is new abt elaine right? But i remember i felt really depressed about where my life was going and for 4 whole months after that, I reverted into Anime. Really, seriously. And you know, till now i can testify that that semester, Spring 2004, was the best time in my life. For 4 whole months from February till June, I felt completely at peace with life and the world. I stopped struggling against destiny, i stopped feeling frustrated about life, i became at peace with what life was: come what may, you know, you just gotta roll with the punches.
While this time's not like that time. I feel so nice. Like right now, blogging abt this and actually having to analyze myself again, i feel like crap. But u know, i liked the past week. Even if it consisted of me sitting infront of the computer screen waiting for my X-Files downloads to complete will reading sysnopsis of episodes or watching and rewatching episodes I have already downloaded. I feel at peace. I don't feel the nagging concerns of life. I don't feel the guilt of responsibility eating me. I don't feel the inssitent depression clawing at my heart. I don't feel the ceaseless need inside me longing for more, for something, for someone, for anyone. I don't feel it. I don't feel the need. I don't feel them all. And i love it this way.
In a way i am suspended, thinking about akio and all the fuck ups, thinking about people, thinking about waht to do with life, thinking about what to do with my uncertain fututre (which by the way i am thinking of now cause i am blogging it out). You know. i don't mind this denial. Or at least, i don't mind this suspension from Reality and from Life. Because, i don't want to deal with it anymore. I want to deal with life, because life can be dealt with, like what to do: apply for jobs, apply for OPT, etc.. those are still fairly easy to deal with.
But i am done with dealing with relationships and people.
I went out yesterday and I saw this guy and this girl together. I mean I just walked out 5 minutes to get dinner and here i see my lacking, my discontentment in life slapping me in the face. WTF man, can't i just be left alone?!
Anyways, i am done dealing with people cause people are hard to deal with don't you think? Everything is so fucking calculative. Every fucking move has to be calculated and analyze and dissected so that you will have the upper hand while not fucking up. So that your friend won't get pissed off with you, so that you don't piss off your friend, so that you will still be in favour with your friend, and while giving in to your friend you have to calculate how u won't end up the loser in the friendship and having to compromise, and all those shit. Fuck that shit you know, fuck that shit.
That's why the best friendships i've had, and HAVE actually, is with people who has never fucking calculated with me. Friends who don't fucking come and bite me in the ass, slap me, pour acid on me, threated me, make me feel like shit, etc, just because they got the brunt of my flaws. Friends who don't fucking hate you even if you have alot of stuff that's hatable. Friends who see through it and just be there for you almost unconditionally. Friends who don't just see and focus on how fucked up you are or how fucked up you CAN BE, but instead choose to see you as a friend and for the friend that you CAN BE. You know, I find the friends who had remained friends with me, has always been that to me, you know, who had treated me like that. Who have made me feel that i don't need to win their love over, don't need to work fucking hard and calculate my next "move", to sustain our friendship. Who have just been there, you know, who treats me as a friend just because well, I'm a friend. I guess that's what trust mean you know. That you treat your friend as a person and not as some fucking game- that love, that friendship is not bought, won, earned, but something that just is because that person is all that person is, and that person is your friend.
Of course, friendships and love needs to be WORKED on. To build upon. But fucking love and friendship ain't no game where you feel that you win or lose, or is afraid to lose or want to win. Friendship should not be calculative where you feel that you need to do something or don't do something to win or buy or earn someone else's love or friendship. That's just fucked up you know. Love and friendship should already be guaranteed. So that you won't be calculative, so that you won't be always always thinking about what's next to do-- So that even if you fuck up or if you do something great and wonderful-- it wouldn't matter.
It's fucking hard to find friends like that, of course, because people are fucking calculative. We make people work for our love. We make people be on guard and calculate moves to maintain a friendship. We do that, whether we're concious about it or not, sometimes.
And that is why, sometimes, without the saving grace of unconditional friends, I find myself reverting to television or whatever you call it, to escape.
why do you think the world is so fucked up these days? Why do you think we spend hours watching TV, playing our video games, watching porn, surfing online, CHATTING online even, and not going out to meet people? Not going out to breathe in the fresh Los Angeles air, meeting people?
cause more often than not, it's fucking hard to find someone who will be there for you unconditionally.
That when you walk out of that fucking door, every man's for themselves.
That when you past those gates, the people you meet, and perchance to be "friends" with, it's gonna take alot effort, time, energy, brains, and heart to just be "friends" with.
and in the end of the day...
you might just end up fucking dissapointed.
Then again, this fucking X-Files is also fucking dissapointing. Yo, come on Chris, 7 fucking season and you call THAT a fucking kiss???
bleh. no wonder David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson never won any fucking award or NOMINATION for that matter anywhere remotely close to the area of best on-screen kiss.
tee-vee indeed. TV.
On that note, if you've skipped EVERYTHING i wrote in this blog, or can't understand a single thing i wrote, at least just remember these lines from our Lennon/McCartney team... :
"For well you know that it�s a fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder."
I always thought that line could solve alot of the alienation shit and fake teenage angst in this world... Play it cool lah, play it cool and fuck this world up just a little bit more. All you need is love, my dear, and believe me, that would be one less serial killer, one less child molester, less crying child hiding in the closet of his room, one less broken heart in this world.
I think, even though most of the time i fail to practice it, if we just love a little more, be a little less selfish about what others should do for us, have a little less pride in what we feel we are entitled to get from others and from life, to give a little more than we expect to receive from others, just you know... live for others more than you would live for yourself... i do think that this world would be wayyyyyyyyyyyyy, if not, at the very least, at least LESS fucked up than it is now. I really believe that.
I believe that because everytime i watch this stupid series called intervention and how the fucking family cries and fucking blame their child/son/daughter/friend for being a gambler/meth addict/game addict/alcoholic, etc... I say take a look at your fucking self, and ask yourself, why the fuck, what the fuck made them that to begin with? You think they would be a gambler/meth addict/alcoholic/fuck up if there wasn't a reason for them to be that way? Fuck you for hauling in these people to fucking point their hands at your so called "loved one" telling them that they are fucked up and need to fucking change, when YOU fucked THEM up. Fucking parents, they should be sent for fucking intervention class to teach them how the fuck to be a good parent, that's what.
Love dude, Love.
and no i am not high on anything.
X-Files is done downloading.
Till i wake from disbelief, tata and rememeber: for well you know that it�s a fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
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