into the void

i definitely fucked up with Kevin for good........

it's tragically sad.

maybe i'll call him in a month.... hopefully, we're still friends.

i feel like this shit because of you

from: Elaine Loh 2:59 am (9 hours ago)
to: Kevin Hor
date: Jan 16, 2007 2:59 AM
subject : little death
mailed-by: gmail.com

soooooooo did you get lucky??? ;) I didn't get to check her ass out though haha damn am i allowed to say that???! Ok, good luck kev! hopefully you'll get to put all those condoms in use orrrrrr..................... has the supply been depleted already?! =DDD


that aside, thanks for coming out today and hanging out abit. I really really realy felt like shit after that, actually. because everyone was talking (dude it was almost like a Q&A session man!) and it made me realized that i have definitely fucked my life away!

Sorry for cussing.

Actually.... I've never felt so fucking useless/hopeless/lazy/crappy/wanker/loser my whole life as i did just now. No, i am not joking, i really felt that way and i still feel that way right now, actually. It's like I realized that everyone had something, you know, at least something. A career, a plan, a PASSION, a direction, a clear vision, and if nothing else, at least they had activity. And there I was, I had nothing. It's not even a job, I'm talking about you know, it's that I don't even have a clue.

I feel 24 and my life has amounted to nothing. Absolutely nothing. And the worse part is that, I have no fucking idea even what I want it to be in future. I don't even know anymore what is it that I want my life to untimately amount to. I don't even have that idea. And the worst part is that, I have only MYSELF to blame for what I am, what I have become, and for everything that I wanted to be but I am not, and everything I could have been but I will not.

I think that was the shittiest part about tonight. Not only that I didn't have a job ( that can be fixed) but I don't even have a clue about waht I want, what I am passionate about, about a vision for my future, I didn't even have that.

And, I know I sound like i am complaining again but the shit thing is that, I'm not because I know that everything I have become today, everything the shit nothingness i felt just now and right now... it was I who brought this all upon myself.

I have been given every opportunity to thrive-- and what the fuck did i do with it?

i don't know how i ended up here you know Kevin.


Get a job and my life will probably fall into place. But I feel everyday with every phone call i make every resume that i send, every thought of work... I feel that I'm just doing it to get going with life... but I have forgotten how to live it.

For the first time in my life today, I didn't feel that suicide would be a waste of my life. Before, as depressed as I got, I always felt that I couldn't waste my life away like that because there's so much more to do. Today, I really didn't think so. but For the fear of eternal damnation, i suppose, it's stupid to kill yourself ha!

anway that self pitying bullshit talking.

I just.......... really really DO NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT like myself right now, and for the first time, i really really don't at all-- And I don't believe there's anything beautiful in me that i might use to comfort myself to save me this time. I hate myself because I wasted my life away, i never tried harder, I'm fucking stupid, almost always useless, immobile, disinterested, obsessive, complaining, absolutely lazy, stubborn, sloth, self pitying, paranoid, desperate, not really bothered, ALWAYS distracted, got my piorities all fucked up, directionless, clueless, loud, crazy, immature, very very very very fucking childish.... and I've amounted to nothing because I never made myself amount to anything. I really really REALLY REALLY need to grow up.

I don't like myself ha that much is obvious. I feel like dying but that's just an expression. I just want this shitty feeling to die. I just want to be loved. I just want to be saved. I just want to save myself. I just want to believe again. I don't think picking up a pen and paper would make much difference. I just want something to hold on to.

But this won't mean a thing come tomorrow..... I will still feel like shit and I will still hate myself- but the gravity of it all- please God I pray, please, take it all away because I don't wanna feel like dying--


so. i should NOT have burdened you with my crap actually. sorry. i'm sure there are way more important things in Kevin's life, Elaine, like you know, make sure that huge ass hole below the city doesn't collapse or something, last i checked, that's actually quite important
i'll probably regret sending this email like "oh fuck what the hell did i do last night?????!" in 6 hours when i wake up

neways babe hope you liked the cake. thanks. goodbye. and i'm really sorry kevin. i really am.

elaine-

it's terrible when you have a mirror held up in front of you and you realize the shit you've become, the nothingness that you've sunk into, and the worst part is that, i don't even know how to dig myself up anymore.

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

me thinks me is gonna go make an English Lunkhead website. SUREEEEE i can't understand a THING about them in Japanese and online translation tools ain't the greatest translator either BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT I shall presevere!!!!

My site I hope to have:

LUNKHEAD GALLERY!!!! - Dude, I collected quite abit of their pictures u know, scouring the internet for them.

LYRICS SECTION!!!! - Well...... in Kanji, of course. I am not gonna romanize and I certainly CANNOT translate. BUT YOU KNOW IT'S HARD TO GET EVEN THE KANJI ONES!!!

urm... that's about it. hahaha

SHORT BIOGRAPHY - Taken from their official site

SHORT PROFILES - Taken from their website too... but i think i came across one or two japanese fan sites that had some really interesting info too ^^

bah. i do miss talking and hanging out with Akio :(

happy about kevin- we're still friends, yay, didn't fuck up that's good elaine.

depressed about the future :(

-- must not like Kevin anymore okay? I think we're better off as friends. because elaine, you always mess things up, yeah. and, I think it's nice being friends with kev. I think I just need to stop liking him and it'll be just fine and great, yea?

-- must get a job Elaine.

i think Kevin and i are still friends.

I sent him an email on Thursday night, which he replied the next day. EVEN THOUGH IT WAS JUST 1 LINE. but at least he did right?

Then...

I sent him an SMS today asking him if he was in BU today. He replied and told me he was not and he's going to low yat for lunch and to buy some stuff.

so............

I hope we're still friends.

kevin.

I love my Godpa and think he's like a totally awesome person man... He has just such........ different perspective in life, i feel. On one hand, he is very rich. But on the other hand, he is incredibly down to earth. I love him for that. He never makes you feel secondary. He's always just part of the crowd. And I love him for that, because he's awesome. Dez is like that too (and perhaps, so is Nigel), and I think that's what's awesome about that, they never forgot where they came from. And the thing about that is that, they are one of those few people who have the money but they know money is just money, and it doesn't replace that part of them that knows what is important...

It's rare. For those who don't have money, most of them when they do see money, they go crazy. Then there are those who are super rich but their super richness makes them go crazy too haha, like they want more and suddenly they think they're better and above the rest.

Then you have those who have it all, but yet, they don't show it off and they don't let what they have consume them. They're just relaxed about it and take what they have as what they have and not make such a big deal out of it.

Godpa is like that. And I love him for that.

Of course, I cannot express how much I am indebted to him for the love he has shown me.

Godma asked me to write a tribute to him, kinda just a message thingy, for his birthday photobook.

Part of me felt it hard to write it not because I don't love Godpa, but because it's hard to write something and not bring up the 100 grand he gave me for my education. It's 100k ringgit, okay, and no godpa should ever have to do that for any god daughter (let alone a shitty one like me).

But... it wasn't because he was rich that he could do such a thing as give me that kind of money for my education, but it was out of love that he gave me that scholarship.... And I just don't know how to translate that into paper into how i feel for Godpa, coz Godpa, it's not coz of what you gave me that I love you for, it's because of the awesome man that you are that I love you for.

Anyways............

I didn't write all that in the tribute coz I don't know if it was appropriate for me to write it. but me thinks me will write those down in a thank you card when I FIND MYSELF A JOB!!!!!

Neways this is what I wrote:

Dearest Godpa!

I could bake you a thousand butter cakes (with "minimal" help from mom!!) but not only would that not be good for your health but I don't think it would be sufficient to express how much I love you and am thankful for your love for me and the opportunities you have given me in life.

You have always graciously extended a hand of love to me and I know I fail to express it often or show it much but I love you Godpa. Your love, your support, your advices, your perspective in life and the way you are, and of course, your jokes are what makes you the AWESOME Godpa I treasure in my heart. It makes me smile to know I have such a cool Godpa!! =)

I pray that God will continue to bless you with good health and lots of love from all the people around you whom you have continuously and unfailingly loved and touched in your life.

LOVE YOU LOTS!!!!!
Elaine =)

ケヴェンのこと

I think this is my Closure.

yesterday... I was in the bathroom haha, of all places, and I was thinking.... I think... even if it's just a defence mechanism... I felt suddenly deep inside me... I told God that, you know, I am sure before Ms. Chow died or even when she was alive, she would pray and hope and want the best for Kevin and for his happiness...

And that prompted me to feel that.... I don't think I want to like Kevin, and I don't want to like him because God has not intended for me to be the person that would make Kevin happy.

And if and since I am not someone who can make him happy or that God did not intend for me to be that person, then I pray to God that God will bring to him someone who will be right for him and make him happy.

Because, I think and I feel that would be what Ms. Chow would have wanted for her son too rite?... So I can't and I shouldn't force my way or my will or want something that is not right, right?

That's what I believe.

And that gives me closure. I respect my teacher and with regards to her and to the Will of God, I wouldn't and I don't want something that is not right for Kevin. If I can't and I am not the one to be able to make him happy, then I shall and will accept that lot in life, and hope and want and wish for Kevin to be with someone who will make him happy instead... Coz, I'm sure Ms. Chow really hoped for that for him before she died, I'm sure she wanted him to be happy and to have the best... So we'll just leave it at that.

That said... I hope I hadn't fucked things up too badly with Kevin and I really hope we can stay friends. I don't want to sever that part of my past, I don't want to taint the memory of Ms. Chow either, so... I really hope we can stay friends.

So that said, as much as I told Ching Mun that I try my best nottttttttt to think of Kevin as my dead teacher's son, c'mon, you can't do that... He's a friend you know but... u know, you'll always think about the circumstance under which you met.

I hope we can stay friends. I really hope we can.

SO... it all started with just a Delicious giftcard...

Then Kevin called me yesterday and told me he got me a present too. But it was inconvenient to transport around so i had to go to his house to get it....

SOOOOO that made me feel bad coz what the heck did he get me that is inconvenient to take around??? PROBABLY A TREE!!! hahahahha CACTUS PLEASE!!! anything else will die within a week!

Anyway, so i decided to get him something else but i didn't know what else....

my unimaginative mind came to the conclusion of a PEN. So after muchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuss and choosing and debating, i got him one... Although not the EXACT one that i wanted, I think it's good enough yea.

Then I also go him underwear wuahahahah.... as a joke yea ;)

BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT of all the gifts, i think i like the doggie the best wuahahaha ^^

woooooooooooo~~~



SO I FINALLY/ACTUALLY COMPLETED KNITTING THE SCARF AND SENT IT TO AKIO!!!!!

I AM SO HAPPY AND PROUD THAT I ACTUALLY MANAGED TO CARRY THROUGH WITH THIS IDEA!!!!!!

Actually, do i like Akio THATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT much to spend all that time and effort and money making it??? Probably not hahaha! But I did spent alot of money on it you know. And my mom said to me that I would never finish the scarf coz i never do finish anything i start, and I knew she was right. So... at many point, I just HAD TO finish it because I knew, I knew, I have to prove myself wrong.

It all started at Boston when i went to that button store to look for beads and i saw all these really nice yarn and had an urge to learn how to knit to make something for Akio (don't ask why but i just did!!!)

So i did pick up how to learn to knit when i got to LA three months ago and started on knitting the scarf when i got back to Malaysia in October.

Actually, this project is quite international huh??? Idea conceived in Boston, started in Los Angeles, finished in Kuala Lumpur and ends up in Kyoto. wow hahah.

ANYWAY!! I MANAGED TO FINISH IT!!! ^^







So for this scarf, I used two different blue yarns. I casted 40 stitches, 2 knits and 2 purls and that's how i got the pattern for it.


2 knits, 2 purls.


For the package, i bought a cute pig box. hehe.





I wanted to put an extra bear soft toy in it coz the box looked abit blank, don't you think? But i didn't do that in the end.

Also, i had a card for Akio.



Inside the card, I composed a message in Japanese (WUAHAHA!!! terrible~ >_<) and also some English and wrote the message in my terrible Japanese writing (dude, KANJI DUDE!)

My message to Akio in the card:

あきおへ、

冬は寒いですね？私は君にこれスカーフを編みました。お誕生日とクリスマスと正月のプレゼントです。お誕生日おめでとうございます！　Ｍｅｒｒｙ　Ｃｈｒｉｓｔｍａｓ！　明けましておめでとうございます！　でも。。。これスカーフはきれいじゃないですね？　そして、ちょっと小さくて、短いです。ごめんなさい。だから家に使います。

Sorry I cannot write in Kanji and my Japanese is bad!!! Anyway, I hope you like it. Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and I know you will have a wonderful year next year. Keep in touch!

TRANSLATION:

To Akio,

Winter is cold right? I knitted this scarf for you. It is a present for your birthday, Christmas and new year. Happy Birthday! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! But... this scarf is not pretty, right? And it is a little short and small. Sorry. That's why, use it at home.


Actually, haha i was really surprised the sentence i constructed in Japanese for "I knitted this scarf for you" was actually gramatically correct!!! hahaha... Watashi wa kimi ni kore sukaafu o amimashita. I wondered if i should put scarf at the begining of the sentence, or then where do i put the "for you" in the sentence? But i remembered that the particle "wo" is used to act the verb upon the object. So the object here is Scarf and the verb is knit, therefore scarf has to come in the middle before the verb.......... or something along those lines~~~~ :S But i guess, I DID learn something from those Japanese classes huh!!!


ANYWAY.

I called Akio today and he had already recieved the gift. I sent it via Post Laju, it actually took only 2 days to arrive to Japan.

Anyway he said he liked it. DUHHHHHH if he said he didn't like it I'll really go there to strangle him!!! lol...

ANYWAY....

Typical of Akio he explained that his computer broke and that was why he couldn't go online to write me an email about the gift...

Actually, Akio saying that is exactly the reason why he'd probably be the only person I'd spend all the time, effort and money knitting something for.

ACTUALLY, yesterday I called Post Laju to check to see if the package had arrived safely and I found out that the item was already delivered and received on Monday. But yet, I was abit dissapointed that Akio didn't message or email me about it. But I also told myself "he's probably busy, that's why he didn't have the time." And sure enough, there was some very valid reason as to why he didn't contact me and he explained it to me.

That in itself illustrates alot of why I like Akio. Or i feel that all the effort I would put into making it for him is worthwhile.

Because, Akio is one of the few people I know that never ever purposefully offend or hurt others. He has a very very kind heart that people should never doubt his kindness, purity and sincerity. You can trust him. Trust him that he would never be someone who would intentionally be mean or unkind.

That is something I truly admire and believe in Akio for-- and I find myself always having to teach my paranoid self to trust him and in the end Akio always emerge as one whom I can trust and believe in.

Even back then while we were still friends in Northridge, everytime my paranoid and posessive self bears its ugly head, Akio always proves my accusations and paranoia wrong-- and always makes me realize how wicked my heart can be to be always thinking all these awful things about him.

I think he's a wonderful person. Almost free of any malice or ill intentions. Someone, rare, that truly posess a pure heart to the core.

:)

So my grand aunt died yesterday. We believe she died on Thursday night but no one discovered her body till Saturday morning.

But anyway.

went for the whole Chinese wake ceremony yesterday.



Was there and you know how Chinese funerals are, lots and lots and lots of ceremonial chanting and praying and weeping and burning.

I thought it was really... special, though, in a way.

The interesting thing about last night's ceremony was coz the chinese head sifu there for the ceremony had two really young apprentice. And it got me thinking about our whole tradition that way dying.

And with many of my relatives becoming Christian, PRAISE THE LORD really, I think this is going to be the last time I'd ever get to witness a chinese funeral. That's why i really wanted to go for the burial today but I have to go for camp, so i can't go.

But part of me, i felt, as pompous the whole occasion was, and as a Christian everything yesterday was basically a waste right, i couldn't help but feel that a part of that Chinese tradition and perhaps heritage, is dying... if not dead, with my generation. With my dad's generation even. It's pratically dead, you know.

There's a part of me that mourn the death of that, because after being in America and going through those religion and culture classes, I can't help but feel that the past, as pompous/pointless as some traditions are, is something we should try to preserve because more and more of it is becoming lost with time. There's something beautiful to tradition, you know, there's something beautiful to it.

It's not the worship of idols that I support, nor is it the pointless burning of paper buildings and cars and "gold bars". It's not the belief in the 8 layers of hell and the visitation of the soul that I believe in. It's not. I'm a Christian and I am very well aware of the pointlessness of those belief... But, I feel that the practices and the rituals of those rites are part of an identity being Chinese, you know, and that should not be just left to die out.

There should be a value in that, should there be? A value in a thousand year old tradition. There really should be. As much as cultural identity seperates and divides society, I really don't think we should all turn into a walmart nation, that's all I am saying.

I got interested in Japan because of all the culture and tradition they have, and is losing like every other country out there. But you know, I look at my own ethnic identity and I can't help but feel that, we too came from a very rich background, but dude, it has all been lost, lost to time, lost to us not ever being close to our ethnicity to begin with.

I want to be proud to be a Hakka. to be a Chinese. And when friends ask me "what are you?" I can tell them that I am Chinese, and I am Hakka... But dude, how chinese am I? Only by NAME, dude, only by NAME.

I don't think the past is something that we should be so willingly to give up on because, once gone, you know... it's gone. And all the things that make this world so diverse and interesting will just merely become a series of strip malls and walmarts. Dude, and as pointless a burning paper cars and paper houses and gold bars are, I think that's way more interesting than just... nothing you know..

and as much as ethnic identity divides society, it's also what makes this world a really interesting place and gives character to society.

I understand the spritual implications of tradition and traditional rituals... But, i think it's also a loss that we should lose our cultural identity-- what makes you Chinese elaine? what makes you Hakka?

I have absolutely no idea.

Happy Birthday Ryou.... of course, it's 5 days late but still....

Hmmm why so?

Because they're funny. because Odaka is sexy, talented and likes to cook.

of course, i've got more to say. but we'll leave it at that for now.


ラメン～～ Odaka's Ramen~ ^^


Camp is today till Friday.

Kevin Kevin... what should i do with him? My interest is waning but I don't seem to want to give it up, why? oh well... we'll see.