i feel like this shit because of you
from: Elaine Loh
to: Kevin Hor
date: Jan 16, 2007 2:59 AM
subject : little death
mailed-by: gmail.com
soooooooo did you get lucky??? ;) I didn't get to check her ass out though haha damn am i allowed to say that???! Ok, good luck kev! hopefully you'll get to put all those condoms in use orrrrrr..................... has the supply been depleted already?! =DDD
that aside, thanks for coming out today and hanging out abit. I really really realy felt like shit after that, actually. because everyone was talking (dude it was almost like a Q&A session man!) and it made me realized that i have definitely fucked my life away!
Sorry for cussing.
Actually.... I've never felt so fucking useless/hopeless/lazy/crappy/wanker/loser my whole life as i did just now. No, i am not joking, i really felt that way and i still feel that way right now, actually. It's like I realized that everyone had something, you know, at least something. A career, a plan, a PASSION, a direction, a clear vision, and if nothing else, at least they had activity. And there I was, I had nothing. It's not even a job, I'm talking about you know, it's that I don't even have a clue.
I feel 24 and my life has amounted to nothing. Absolutely nothing. And the worse part is that, I have no fucking idea even what I want it to be in future. I don't even know anymore what is it that I want my life to untimately amount to. I don't even have that idea. And the worst part is that, I have only MYSELF to blame for what I am, what I have become, and for everything that I wanted to be but I am not, and everything I could have been but I will not.
I think that was the shittiest part about tonight. Not only that I didn't have a job ( that can be fixed) but I don't even have a clue about waht I want, what I am passionate about, about a vision for my future, I didn't even have that.
And, I know I sound like i am complaining again but the shit thing is that, I'm not because I know that everything I have become today, everything the shit nothingness i felt just now and right now... it was I who brought this all upon myself.
I have been given every opportunity to thrive-- and what the fuck did i do with it?
i don't know how i ended up here you know Kevin.
Get a job and my life will probably fall into place. But I feel everyday with every phone call i make every resume that i send, every thought of work... I feel that I'm just doing it to get going with life... but I have forgotten how to live it.
For the first time in my life today, I didn't feel that suicide would be a waste of my life. Before, as depressed as I got, I always felt that I couldn't waste my life away like that because there's so much more to do. Today, I really didn't think so. but For the fear of eternal damnation, i suppose, it's stupid to kill yourself ha!
anway that self pitying bullshit talking.
I just.......... really really DO NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT like myself right now, and for the first time, i really really don't at all-- And I don't believe there's anything beautiful in me that i might use to comfort myself to save me this time. I hate myself because I wasted my life away, i never tried harder, I'm fucking stupid, almost always useless, immobile, disinterested, obsessive, complaining, absolutely lazy, stubborn, sloth, self pitying, paranoid, desperate, not really bothered, ALWAYS distracted, got my piorities all fucked up, directionless, clueless, loud, crazy, immature, very very very very fucking childish.... and I've amounted to nothing because I never made myself amount to anything. I really really REALLY REALLY need to grow up.
I don't like myself ha that much is obvious. I feel like dying but that's just an expression. I just want this shitty feeling to die. I just want to be loved. I just want to be saved. I just want to save myself. I just want to believe again. I don't think picking up a pen and paper would make much difference. I just want something to hold on to.
But this won't mean a thing come tomorrow..... I will still feel like shit and I will still hate myself- but the gravity of it all- please God I pray, please, take it all away because I don't wanna feel like dying--
so. i should NOT have burdened you with my crap actually. sorry. i'm sure there are way more important things in Kevin's life, Elaine, like you know, make sure that huge ass hole below the city doesn't collapse or something, last i checked, that's actually quite important
i'll probably regret sending this email like "oh fuck what the hell did i do last night?????!" in 6 hours when i wake up
neways babe hope you liked the cake. thanks. goodbye. and i'm really sorry kevin. i really am.
elaine-
it's terrible when you have a mirror held up in front of you and you realize the shit you've become, the nothingness that you've sunk into, and the worst part is that, i don't even know how to dig myself up anymore.
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