into the void

i've accepted the sad fact that in my life, i will never inspire anyone to write a song as beautiful, sweet and sad as Tsuki to Tenohira....

it's stupid. but i'm abit nervous going out with Kevin today. why? argh. i dunno. it's not like any first impressions would count anymore. do i really seriously want him to like me? I think it's abit pointless and redundant to want that.

they say you can only be yourself. and elaine as herself is not known to impress or succeed in winning any boy's heart.

I think we're friends and he treats me as such. and i on the other hand, should likewise treat him.

i should at least try to impress right? i mean..........

oh. i don't know.

this won't mean a thing come tomorrow?

i am so jealous of everyone who has ever met Lunkhead or been to a Lunkhead show.... so lucky~.... :( ..... i wish i was as lucky :(

i wish i could meet them. shake their hands and say "hmm. konniciwa...".... coz dats probably all i can utter before fainting. (wait... i think that's ALL i know how to utter in japanese.....)

yes.

sigh.

so jealous.

so sad.

:(

BRAND NEW - THE DEVIL AND GOD ARE RAGING INSIDE ME

My, my, Surprise Suprise emo is dead (DUH)... So if Deja Entendu was the epic emo album then this is............ Jesse Lacey being introspective/analogical to the most extreme... emo janai ;)

DUDEEE this is a far break away from Brand New okayyyyy!!!

So... did they all just grow up? Grow Old? MELLOWED? or what.........?

So when i downloaded the demos 6-9 months ago, they were well, demos.. Some very solid songs in it to add to that (especially tracks 1-3 and 5). Well, the songs in the demos were bare, just the guitar and vocals, the usual stuff, no purcussions (except for song 2 actually which did not appear on the album btw)... But you know, the usual sound and style of what a demo is....

loooooo and BEHOLDDDDD.........

dude... the album was the same!!

really... The songs were quite bare, very stripped, and the vocals were very hollow too like a demo you know! It's almost like a Brand New quasi-acoustic album, seriously.

So the pattern of the album is this:

1) The song is either entirely mellow and slow or....

2) the song starts of mellow like every other song, then in the middle it breaks into the usual angry Jesse style with loud guitars, screaming and purcussions... brilliant i must say, especially in the opening song and first single Sowing Season. But then, c'mon Jesse, that trick grows old after the same mellow start off into a crescendo of sounds in the middle is repeated in three four other songs.


So.... what can I say about this album?

Funny thing is that my iTunes loads the new songs before the songs of The Holiday EP... And so after every song from the new album finishes it goes on to "Logan To Government Center" demo from the Holiday EP and my goshhhhhhhhh... the difference in the styles and sounds of Brand New from The Holiday EP to The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me is just astounding. As far apart as the earth is to heaven so is the difference between what Brand New was, and what Brand New has become today.


I'm really really curious as to how Jesse would translate these songs to the live versions and DAMN that's one thing I won't get to see anymore. HELL.

But really, I am very curious cause many of these songs are so mellow, you can't play a 45 minute - 1 hour set with just these songs... dudeee where's the energy for the pit gonna come from??? I don't think just Jesse's good looks are sufficient to do the trick!


GET SOWING SEASON HERE

Please sleep, my darling, sleep
Your cry for inspiration
Never reaches ears on distant stars
And every night, our lonely planet
Slides across the universe
and I won't pretend I understand

Please sleep, my darling, sleep
Your death by information
Won't disturb the peace on distant stars
And even when you lock the door
Slide behind the other shades
None of us are strangers anymore

Fall sleep with the windows open
Come to me with the worst you've said and done
so close your eyes and see me
a little death makes life more meaningfull
I stand no chance at all

Please, sleep my darling, sleep
Your car crashed in slow motion
Won't upset the pace on distant stars
And one by one the years
Have all gone slower as the moments pass
So please hold on, please hold on

Fall sleep with the windows open
Come to me with the worst you've said and done
so close your eyes and see me
a little death makes life more meaningfull
I stand no chance at all

Please, sleep my darling, sleep
Please, sleep my darling, sleep

Fall sleep with the windows open
Come to me with the worst you've said and done
so close your eyes and see me
a little death makes life more meaningfull
I stand no chance at all

--- i think the lyrics are from a demo.. but it's pretty close.

=========

+44... what can i say........ WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY better than Angels and Airwaves...!!! haha. NOW we know who was the more talented of the two in Blink 182... Then again Tom, I did like you alot.... And i still do err.. as a person as Tom of Blink 182 of course coz hell man AVA sucked hahahha DAMN! i DID say that huh!...
But anyway Mark Hoppus, kudos! You did well :) I think this is a good album... And songs with songs like Little Death, hell yeah, you're good! Solid song. Brilliant if i dare say.
The album overall, quite Later Blink-ish, i must admit... the sounds are there... (does that mean Mark wrote more Blink songs than Tom?)... But, I suppose quite uniquely new and different... Not an album that Blink would have released, that is (Unlike how Jack Mannequin's album could have easily been Something Corporate's).

Awesome. Looking forward to more +44... But of course, a Blink reunion is much preferred above all else ;)

CLICK HERE FOR LITTLE DEATH

and nothing important did happen today.

i slept.

I am totally in love with that guy from Lunkhead. Odaka Yoshitarou. I think he's really amazing, talented, sweetheart (don't ask), dedicated, funny (not as funny as Akira, of course) and DAMN SEXYYYYY~~~~~~~~

yes. i am totally in love with him and even more in love with him whenever i listen to Tsuki to Tenohira. Damn.

yes. i am.

AND I AM NOTTTTTTTTTTTTT PREGNANT!!!!!!

I know I've not written since I've come back and i probably should have and i really did want to but i never really got around to doing it.

But perhaps the one thing that stands out the most, and perhaps the most significant change ever since coming back has been that: being around family.

Besides missing the food, missing the friends, missing the places, missing the life in America and missing America itself, really is the transition to suddenly have your life be obligated and answerable to so many people, particularly, my parents.

I am well aware that my dad might probably read this, but, I'm writing this with that knowledge and with the intention that he would read this.

I think that's the one thing that in the past three weeks drives me to tears and longing for America and my friends in America once again.... or drives me to pop a sleeping pill so i can immiediately fall asleep and deny reality.

It's having had a solitary life for the past 4 years, doing things the way I like it, going at the pace I want to, and basically, just being whatever i want to be, and then suddenly coming back, I find myself having to answer to my mom, or having to deal with both my mom demanding something from me and me having to depend on my brother to complete the work.

Suddenly I must give a full account of what I did with my day, how i used my hours, how i am going to use my hours, things i should be doing and when i should be doing them, what I did, why i did it, why i didn't do it, why haven't i gotten to doing it yet, etc, etc... and it is like a big headache each day.........

I mean dudeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... i just like doing things like this okay? I function better that way!!!

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i don't have clothes to be washed everyday. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i don't like my desk to be ultra spotless and clean. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i like a little pile next to my bed. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I like to spend all day on the internet. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i have not cleaned the room yet.

BUT it's NOT AS IF i won't clean that room for Michelle to sleep in. I know she's gonna be here. I know when she's gonna be here, and I WILL get it done before she gets here JUST NOT IMMIEDIATELY, you know!!

BUT ANYWAYS.

that said.

I don't mind going out with my parents. Unlike my brother, I don't hate being around my parents. Though sometimes, the ipod REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY comes in handy.

But the truth is that, I love my parents and I love them hell of alot. I love them so much that, i just feel so torn up whenever like........ i know if my mom or dad is hurt or unhappy (and by unhappy i do NOT mean angry, because helllllllllllllllllllll my mom is angry 70% of the day anyway!)

But say like today...

My mom for no apparent reason, or over something INSIGNIFICANT like a bike my dad is unwilling to throw away, she scolds my dad the hell out for it. And she scolds him in the manner that she is like fucking PISSED OFF for as if he had accused her the life we have (not having enough money, apparently) and FOR HELL i know my dad was in NOOOOOOOOOOO WAY even blaming her even one bit for the shit we're in. I have NOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING idea why my dad is like that.

And i look at my dad and I really feel sorry for him, u know. Cause he has worked damn hard to support and provide for this family the best he could. and I know he did more than he could. He provided for us a hell alot more than he could have provided for us... and in that way, i always feel i have the most awesome dad in this world... and no i am not writing that coz i think my dad is reading this... But really u know... i really think he fought to win a battle that is wayyyyyyyyyyyy out of his capabilities to win... But i think he won it anyway...

and i really feel sorry for him.

Last saturday... I think it was saturday or sunday... So i was sitting knitting in the living room outside my room. I had turned on the air conditioning in my room so that what little of the cool air would flow out to the hall outside to me.... And i kept the air conditioning running for HOURS... Then in the evening like at 5pm, i walked into my parents room to use the bathroom haha... and there i find my DAD sleeping on the chair WITHOUT THE FRIGGING FAN ON. i mean wtf??????? i have noooooooooo idea if he has a REALLLLLLLLLLLY high tolerance towards heat and humidity or what but the first thought that struck me was like "wtffffff.... there i am wasting the damn air conditioning that's meant for the room NOT the living room and here my frigging poor dad was, stuffed in the heat probably trying to save on electricity." wtfffffff


THAT SAID,

my mom the iron maiden.

Soooooo

anyway, naturally i ran up and into my room when my mom started scolding my dad right. So i went to like my brother's room and i talked to him. Bitched to him about my mom who's crazy btw... because she REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY yells like MADDD over something TOTALLY insignificant. MANNN you have NO IDEA the way she screams until you hear her scream, YOU SWEAR the way she screams at the maid because the maid forgot to refill the kettle was as if the maid had killed the dog or something *God forbid!*

SERIOUSLY.


BUT ANYWAY.

but u know...

i feel sorry for my mom also.

Like... I tried to cheer my dad up by sending him an ecard.

But then i thought about my mom, and i feel really bad for saying bad things about her (albiet it might be true) because my mom is a lovely lady, and my mom is a GREAT mom. I would not trade my mom for any other mom in the world because I think she's the BESTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTESTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT mom anyone could have. whether or not she yells like mad.

and that's the truth.

and i love my mom that way. even if she yells alot. I can't stand it of course when she does yell and even till today, and even in america, i feel really scared when people start screaming, or i'd wake up thinking i heard my mom yell at me (even when i was in america).

But u know........ My mom is suchhhhhhh a fucking awesome mom that u know that fucking AWESOMENESS negates even her MOST TERRIBLE temper. In the end, I think she's more an awesome...... MOSTEST AWESOME MOM BEST MOM IN THE WORLD, than she is a scary lady.

that's my most honest opinion.

And so i went into my parents room and i found me moms sitting alone by her desk. and my dad was downstairs alone calling whomever that woman is that seems to cheer him up a little when he's down. and i felt really sorry for my mom. my mom's really cute u know, and i love her for that. i think my mom can be really cute. and i'll always love her for that despite everything. despite how she is and how she has been and urgh... despite all the future screaming i'm gonna get from her... I'll always love her... and i'll always love my dad too... as i feel so sad for him sitting downstairs alone curled up with the phone trying to find solace from someone else.

and i fucking hate that feeling.

because.

you can't choose a side

when u love them both

as much.

goodbye is not forever
goodbye is not the end
they simply mean I'll miss you, until we meet again.

i don't know but i find that hard to believe
right now anyway

my fren, u need to learn how to let go something in our life..
holding it tight, doesn't mean it will stay there...

you know...
i think
i dunno
maybe you haven't stood at the point today
i don't believe that goodbyes are not forever
coz.... even if you meet that person again
circumstances will be different
as i cannot resume the life i left in malaysia 4 years ago
i cannot resume the life i had here, 4 years later

this is wat u imagine

i don't know how to say what i feel
right now
because
it's the feeling of... not of not being able to let go
but crying
because you are letting go
and you miss it already
at the moemnt of its release
it's like... i dunno how to describe it to you
but...
today i was at my host family's place
and i gave them a present and we were just standing there at their living room
and it just felt as if it was just yesterday that i came
it was the oddest feelings ever
like nothing had changed
but yet... it's been 4 years you know
and this was goodbye. even though you felt as if that first hello was just moments ago.


-----

i think the hardest farewell yet, was the farewell to the Zeiers today.

I was at their house and we were there just like before... Like when we first met. Everything was the same you know, how the way the house looked and smelt and was like. The dogs were the same. And we did things all the same, eating dinner and drinks at the drinks dispenser.

and i still remember very clearly, you know that first moment when i first got there. It was football sundays and I remember Cheryl and the family were all watching football on the TV and I walked in with Aunt Mei, and Ed and Cheryl came to greet me and the doggies Lucy and Angel were there barking. ANd I remember Steven coming to say Hi, and Jordan and Andrew...

Everything was the same today, and i could still remember the smells and the memories of that first day and those first few weeks so very clearly like it was just yesterday, you know... But yet, But yet... a lifetime has passed you know... A lifetime..... it really has been that, you know, a lifetime: the friends I've met, the stories I've heard, the shows I've been to, the places I've seen, the bands I've got to meet and know, the dreams I've had come true, the places, the people, the lives, the culture, America, you know... the whole damn package... and it has been a lifetime.

and hugging Cheryl saying goodbye... it felt as if it was almost just yesterday that i came.

farewell, America. you know. it has been great. it has been one hell of a lifetime. and... I have no regrets and I have no bitter memories. It's like everything about America is turning into this great shade of gold as depature approach.... and I loved it here... And I love the life i had lived here... I loved it. I really do- every one i met, every experience I've had, every place I got to see, every place I had been, every encounter, every story, every memory.... it's been awesome... and... i love it all... I miss it all already...

elaine
10/16/06
Chatsworth, CA 91311

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LUNKHEAD

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The Moon and your hand
Lunkhead

It�s already so late
The moon is so high up there
You should be feeling sleepy by now
But
The shower of the stars and the night wind makes your cheek the color of cherry blossom.
Your happy voice, your excited breath
Two shadows made by street lights

Let�s hold hands and go home
Even it�s April, it�s still cold at night
I don�t want you to catch a cold
Let�s hurry up a little.

There are so many things I want to talk about with you,
But none of them are coming out of my mouth
So I hold your hand stronger

The town we look down from the light house is filled with as many bright lives as windows
Perhaps everyone wants to be a little bit happier than other people

Let�s hold hands and go home
Even it�s April, today is especially cold
I don�t want you to catch a cold

When we get home holding hands
Let�s drink a cup of warm milk
We can make it a bit sweet so you can have a nice dream in this still long night.

Someday, your hand will make someone else happy
I will say farewell
Holding hands

--- MANY MANY thanks to Norika for the translation *BIG HUGS*---

This is simply another AMAZING song by Lunkhead... And I'm not just saying that because I like Lunkhead. I think this song is like solid. It's been on loop on my ipod and it's really been the soundtrack towards home in these final days in America...

Simply sad and beautiful...

I have a music video in my head for this song (before i got the translation)...

I imagine two people by the beach, and it's a partially cloudy day. It's a parting scene, and it's like a final goodbye between the guy and the girl... The circumstance between them is like, they know they love each other but for some reason they just can't be with each other, like the guy was probably gonna marry someone else or something...

The girl is squatting down by the water's edge and the guy is looking at her in the pale light.... And seeing her in the soft light and slight breeze he is just overwhelmed thinking "damn she's beautiful!" But they say nothing to each other although the weight of words unspoken hangs in the air between them... Somehow... they just know...

He wants to say something to her but he hessitates and he doesn't know how to say it to her because there's so many things he want to say and explain and just... tell her... ... And there's this flower by the water where she is and she picks the flower and gets up and walks to him...

She holds the flower to him and says "The flower is pretty but one day it will wither and die,"
She looks up to him and their gaze meet and he holds his hand out to brush her cheek and she smiles palely... not a happy smile but just a pale smile that seems to convey a sense of acceptance of the way life goes... and he too smiles sadly and sofly at her...

Then they turn around and hold hands and walk away...

SO! that's my Music Video inspired when i listen to this song... haha :)

Anyway, it's a really sweet and sad and beautiful song... please check it out :)

Please check out the song here.


-cross-posted to http://purakisuki.exblog.jp

this is crap.

i want to go shopping the wednesday i reach malaysia but i realize, i have no one to go hang out with to go shopping.

what the hell.

fuck.