I know I've not written since I've come back and i probably should have and i really did want to but i never really got around to doing it.
But perhaps the one thing that stands out the most, and perhaps the most significant change ever since coming back has been that: being around family.
Besides missing the food, missing the friends, missing the places, missing the life in America and missing America itself, really is the transition to suddenly have your life be obligated and answerable to so many people, particularly, my parents.
I am well aware that my dad might probably read this, but, I'm writing this with that knowledge and with the intention that he would read this.
I think that's the one thing that in the past three weeks drives me to tears and longing for America and my friends in America once again.... or drives me to pop a sleeping pill so i can immiediately fall asleep and deny reality.
It's having had a solitary life for the past 4 years, doing things the way I like it, going at the pace I want to, and basically, just being whatever i want to be, and then suddenly coming back, I find myself having to answer to my mom, or having to deal with both my mom demanding something from me and me having to depend on my brother to complete the work.
Suddenly I must give a full account of what I did with my day, how i used my hours, how i am going to use my hours, things i should be doing and when i should be doing them, what I did, why i did it, why i didn't do it, why haven't i gotten to doing it yet, etc, etc... and it is like a big headache each day.........
I mean dudeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... i just like doing things like this okay? I function better that way!!!
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i don't have clothes to be washed everyday. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i don't like my desk to be ultra spotless and clean. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i like a little pile next to my bed. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I like to spend all day on the internet. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i have not cleaned the room yet.
BUT it's NOT AS IF i won't clean that room for Michelle to sleep in. I know she's gonna be here. I know when she's gonna be here, and I WILL get it done before she gets here JUST NOT IMMIEDIATELY, you know!!
BUT ANYWAYS.
that said.
I don't mind going out with my parents. Unlike my brother, I don't hate being around my parents. Though sometimes, the ipod REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY comes in handy.
But the truth is that, I love my parents and I love them hell of alot. I love them so much that, i just feel so torn up whenever like........ i know if my mom or dad is hurt or unhappy (and by unhappy i do NOT mean angry, because helllllllllllllllllllll my mom is angry 70% of the day anyway!)
But say like today...
My mom for no apparent reason, or over something INSIGNIFICANT like a bike my dad is unwilling to throw away, she scolds my dad the hell out for it. And she scolds him in the manner that she is like fucking PISSED OFF for as if he had accused her the life we have (not having enough money, apparently) and FOR HELL i know my dad was in NOOOOOOOOOOO WAY even blaming her even one bit for the shit we're in. I have NOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING idea why my dad is like that.
And i look at my dad and I really feel sorry for him, u know. Cause he has worked damn hard to support and provide for this family the best he could. and I know he did more than he could. He provided for us a hell alot more than he could have provided for us... and in that way, i always feel i have the most awesome dad in this world... and no i am not writing that coz i think my dad is reading this... But really u know... i really think he fought to win a battle that is wayyyyyyyyyyyy out of his capabilities to win... But i think he won it anyway...
and i really feel sorry for him.
Last saturday... I think it was saturday or sunday... So i was sitting knitting in the living room outside my room. I had turned on the air conditioning in my room so that what little of the cool air would flow out to the hall outside to me.... And i kept the air conditioning running for HOURS... Then in the evening like at 5pm, i walked into my parents room to use the bathroom haha... and there i find my DAD sleeping on the chair WITHOUT THE FRIGGING FAN ON. i mean wtf??????? i have noooooooooo idea if he has a REALLLLLLLLLLLY high tolerance towards heat and humidity or what but the first thought that struck me was like "wtffffff.... there i am wasting the damn air conditioning that's meant for the room NOT the living room and here my frigging poor dad was, stuffed in the heat probably trying to save on electricity." wtfffffff
THAT SAID,
my mom the iron maiden.
Soooooo
anyway, naturally i ran up and into my room when my mom started scolding my dad right. So i went to like my brother's room and i talked to him. Bitched to him about my mom who's crazy btw... because she REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY yells like MADDD over something TOTALLY insignificant. MANNN you have NO IDEA the way she screams until you hear her scream, YOU SWEAR the way she screams at the maid because the maid forgot to refill the kettle was as if the maid had killed the dog or something *God forbid!*
SERIOUSLY.
BUT ANYWAY.
but u know...
i feel sorry for my mom also.
Like... I tried to cheer my dad up by sending him an ecard.
But then i thought about my mom, and i feel really bad for saying bad things about her (albiet it might be true) because my mom is a lovely lady, and my mom is a GREAT mom. I would not trade my mom for any other mom in the world because I think she's the BESTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTESTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT mom anyone could have. whether or not she yells like mad.
and that's the truth.
and i love my mom that way. even if she yells alot. I can't stand it of course when she does yell and even till today, and even in america, i feel really scared when people start screaming, or i'd wake up thinking i heard my mom yell at me (even when i was in america).
But u know........ My mom is suchhhhhhh a fucking awesome mom that u know that fucking AWESOMENESS negates even her MOST TERRIBLE temper. In the end, I think she's more an awesome...... MOSTEST AWESOME MOM BEST MOM IN THE WORLD, than she is a scary lady.
that's my most honest opinion.
And so i went into my parents room and i found me moms sitting alone by her desk. and my dad was downstairs alone calling whomever that woman is that seems to cheer him up a little when he's down. and i felt really sorry for my mom. my mom's really cute u know, and i love her for that. i think my mom can be really cute. and i'll always love her for that despite everything. despite how she is and how she has been and urgh... despite all the future screaming i'm gonna get from her... I'll always love her... and i'll always love my dad too... as i feel so sad for him sitting downstairs alone curled up with the phone trying to find solace from someone else.
and i fucking hate that feeling.
because.
you can't choose a side
when u love them both
as much.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
family
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