ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

They say that the waters of the Kumo River flows forever...





I've been thinking about life alot recently and I've been meaning to write very much about it but just never got around to it.

I have been thinking that... In my life, I want to be with a guy who can bring out the best in me and I in him.


I recongnize what Snake had changed in me...

Before I met him, I had always wanted to live my life my way, and I didn't give a damn about having anyone with me... But after I had met him, I just felt that... yes, I do want someone in my life, to share my life with... Because companionship cannot be replaced, and there is a certain comfort to having a companion with you all the time.... And human connection is something that cannot be replaced.

So, I think I DO want someone in my life later on.... But, when I think about it... That is the only thing I think I want to ask God in a guy.... that he can bring out the best in me, because I think that is the MOST IMPORTANT for me... I want that the most.

Because for the past 5 months, I think it had brought out nothing but the worst in me. He wouldn't have been such an asshole if I wasn't as much an ass for him to be an asshole with... get me? And the way we brought it crashing to an end, and the aftermath of the worthlessness I feel from it, is just such crap...

And it was through that, to see how much of MYSELF i had LOST in the past 5 months... In fact, I lost everything.... I'm not blaming him, but I blame myself for having made him my world and in doing so, I lost my own sense of self or worth or value along with it...

And it's through thinking about this that I really realize that.... I really want someone who can bring out the best in me... Whom I can be who I am with, who can take my worst and make it good, and take my best and make it shine... You get me?

That's what I really want.


That said, would I have wanted someone to come with me on this trip?

HELL NO.

I like being on my own on this trip... Yes, it was kinda pathetic, if you want to think that way.... I was on my own in Kyoto for two days without any friends around... I just went shopping around because I wanted to go shopping... But I really liked it that way cause I really enjoyed going around Shijo on my own...

My hotel was right in the center of Shijo and bascially once I got down, I was in the middle of the whole action... So it was really fun, it was really fun having Shijo as your backyard... Seriously!!!


And on the morning I had arrived at Kyoto at 5am, I hung around Kyoto station till about 10, and I went to the hotel at Shijo then... I couldn't check in till 3, so i just kept my bag there and went to Shijo to shop...

I sat at a cafe, then went to get some gifts, then I walked around more looking for stuff to buy... I was looking to buy a Kimono coz I wanted to wear one to Desmond's wedding..

Then I went to a second hand clothes shop and they had a Kimono section there with lots and lots of used kimonos... There was a sale section and it was quite cheap... Just 1500円 for a kimono... So I decided to buy one there... OF COURSE I didn't know ANYTHING about Kimono... So i went to the counter and there were two sales person there... So I went..

Summimasen, kimono o kaitai kedo, kimono no koto ga zenzen wakarimasen.. Chotto oshiete kudasai.... (i should have used a "masen" here... I think!) (Excuse me, I want to buy a kimono but I don't know anything about kimono, could you please teach me?)

But Woah! ANd the dude understood... So he followed me and showed me what I should do... He told me I had to pick out a Kimono, then the undergarment then the obi.... Then I asked him "nandemoii?"... And he said, it's better that the kimono and the Obi were the same material...

Then I said, Ok, I'll go look, then I'll ask again...

SO I did.. I went to pick out a DARK kimono... COz I thought it's ridiculous wearing a kimono to Dez's wedding anyway! So i didn't want to stand out by wearing a briiiiiiiiiiiight-colored one!!!!

So, I got the kimono, then I went back to the dude and asked him waht I should pick next.... Then he said I had to pick an undergarment... And he said the length of the sleeves had to be the same for both....

And so the both of us went searching for an undergarment that matched the Kimono and ALSO had the same length.... Which was like DAMN difficult. Ahahahahahaha..

So we went around measuring the undergarments until we finally found suitable one....

Then after that, we went to look for a suitable Obi too... And AGAIN we spent like LOTS AND ALOTS of time searching for an obi... I think he was in a hurry coz he kept looking at his watch but anyway, he kept helping me to get an obi...

We came down to two, and he asked me if I wanted to try it and see....

So we went to the changing room and he helped me put in the undergarment and kimono and all that and helped me to tie the whole thing up.... Then he helped me to tie the obi and all WHICH WAS NOT LONG ENOUGH T_T

Then i said "too fat, ne?" then he said "iie, iie..." and retied the obi so it'd fit... ahahahahaha...

Anyway, in the end I asked him which obi he thought was nicer coz I didn;t know anything about obi anyway, and he picked one out politely..

So I bought the kimono.


Anyway, after that... I came up with an idea to ask if he wanted to go out for a drink or something if he was free.... (OK, I KINDA FORGOT THIS AIN'T AMERICA!!!!!!!! AND SHIT LIKE THESE WILL NEVER WORK!!!! IT'S JAPAN FORGOODNESS SAKE!)... I mean, it's not like it's anything just a drink or anything...

But u can imagine that with MY japanese...

Damn I probably gave out a TOTALLY damn wrong impression.

Ahahaha..

SO it went..

"Summimasen" (excuse me)
He saw me and I was considering if I should buy the strings I needed to tie the kimono and all that... So he asked if I wanted to buy the strings... Then I said maybe... then I said...
"Summimasen kedo, kyou wa hima desu ka?" (Are you free today?)
ANd he went reluctantly... "kyou wa...." (Today...)
Then I said, "Shigoto no ato de jikan ga arimasu ka? Moshi hima nara, chotto isshoni gohan wo tabemasen ka?" (After work, do you have time? If you do, would you like to go for a meal together?) (wah! It was ISSHOU NI GOHAN WO TABEMASEN KA? which is like would you like to eat meal together... Ahahahahaha)
And he said something something in Japanese I couldn't totally understand but I started with "Gomen"... So it was MOST PROBABLY A NO GO!!! ahahahahah...
Then I said
"Ashita wa dou?"
then he said, "Ashita wa yasumi kara, koko de inai". (oooo, he used informal form! buy I'm a client!)
Then I said which sounded EVEN MOREEEEEEEEEEE wrong was...
"Watashi wa chikaku no hotel ni tomarimasu kara... itsu demo ii... Tada, ima koko ni hitori de, chotta hanashitai dake" (I live in a hotel near here... *WTF?!*, so anytime is okay *wtf?!?!?!*..... Just that I am here alone, I just want to talk...*wtttfff?*)
Wth.............
Anyway.... It was just like totally wrong dude!! It was as if I wanted to sleep with him or something ahahahahahaha...
Anyway I even asked if he lived in Kyoto... and even like OFFERED to meet in Kyoto Station but it was "DAME!" NOOOOOOO GOOO!!!! ahahahahahhaha.


BUT ANYWAYS, it was a no go but... Well, at least I tried...

And HEY! At least I had ENOUGH broken Japanese to ask someone out!!!

(albiet unsuccessfully! But he got my drift! ahahahahaha)

ahahahahahahhaah..

Anyway, his name was Kogawa Juiichi.

He was kinda cute =)

And his hands and fingers looked really nice too =) (eh, u know how i have a thing for guys' hands ahahahahahah)


But I guess... Well, I'm glad I'm able to want to meet other guys, u know?

And albiet unsuccessful, maybe there's a silver lining...



You know, before I came to Japan, I thought to myself, I won't return here anymore for awhile.... I told myself there were other places to see, different things to experience and I've already been to Japan 3 times.... Next, I would want to go to another part of the world.... I thought about that... And I thinking that, it also meant that I was giving up my dream to teach in Japan....

Because the whole thing about Snake and how lucky Lina is to be chosen and to be so important and lucky to be with him had really really crushed me.... That I felt even if I achived all my dreams... what is it worth in the end? Is my life even worth anything? Does my life even have meaning? Not to say being with Snake gives it meaning.. NO WTF NO.... But rather that, it just made me question the value of the dream I had till now, to work and live in Japan... Is it really that important? Will humanity be helped by this dream? Will my life have meaning and value in the end even if I reached this dream?

It had really made me reevaluate my goals...


But you know what.... I think it was just being around Kyoto again and travelling around so much around Japan....

And even if I am NOT incredibly thrilled the whole time, there are droplets and just brushing moments where I take a breath and just suddenly feel a joy in my heart, a peace perhaps, and a smile.... to be so grateful and happy that I can be here, that i AM here... in Japan...

And in those moments accumulated and in all the things I saw around me.... I guess, I fell in love with Japan again....

I had really lost my interest and my dream in Japan in that 5 months with Snake.... Even when I was coming here, and while I was with him... .I really felt "I would be happier if I could be with him and just having fun with him"...

But, you know what?, right now, even right now after I've just cried about him..... I said FUCK THAT.

I rather be here in Japan. Without him.


And I really really want to be here again. I want to live here and I want to work here and be around and IN this culture and IN this country for at least a few years....

I found my dream again.

I still want it.



But sometimes, when I think about it.... the feeling that remains in my heart is not of love.... but there is still just a deep hurt.... So deep that I still cry sometimes and I just did, talking to Mayuko just now.... I'm still very hurt and I'm still very worried that when I get back to Malaysia, I'm going to just go back to square one... I'm just gonna end up weak again...

I don't want to need him anymore, I just don't want to give a fuck about him anymore-- and in my heart right now, I don't. I don't give a shit..... But, I'm still so hurt.... He STILL makes me cry and that CANNOT be good.... And that's what I want to heal from, that's what I want to end.

I want to be free of EVERYTHING of him.

I want to be able to look at him and feel ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

I don't know if I can even right now.

I'm just so scared when I get home, EVERYTHING is gonan be the same again... My stupid heart will be the shit that it was AGAIN.

I'm worried.



I guess it's like that Sekaiichi song.... "Mitsukeru tabi wa tsuduku hazu..."

I guess this journey of looking continues...


God, I just want to be happy, God.... That's all I ever wanted to be.



The guy was really quite cute, seriously =)

And I'm happy I had enough bad japanese to ask him out, at least! ahahaha =D