ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

16 held such better days/Tomorrow hold such better days.

 

Life is not a multiple choice question.


From: Elaine Loh <elaineloh@gmail.com>
Date: May 28, 2007 9:07 PM
Subject: "but eventually, they must push forward because so much awaits them."
To: Adrian Loh <adrianloh@gmail.com>

 

 

 

 

 

i've probably dissapointed you fuckloads.

 

but truth is that the only reason why i am staying in this job is because of God.

 

hawhaw.

 

but it's true.

 

with all these things about God's ministry and all that and my students being pastors and really, there is a need there for free and willing to be exploited laborers... I'm staying because of that.

 

don't get me wrong. I actually do love this stupid teaching thing.

 

but...

 

i can't help but feel that I'm dying slowly every day.

 

there's that song that michelle likes about putting on a smile and go on fighting and you'll be beautiful and you'll be happy... I don't think that's enough for me anymore... I don't want an eventual happiness. I don't want to have to fucking dig for the gem hidden in droplets of moments of everyday life. fuck that shit, you know. wtf is that? That's like surrendering and accepting the hypnotic flow of life and trying to dig and find the happiness through all that by compromising and being contented with the relative happiness that mundane life offers. That's just shit-- but ain't that how life is? But... it's just shit... It's just that, lately, I don't accept that anymore. I just can't find something to be happy about.... something besides that sunrise that makes me feel "fuck wow! my life is fucking meaningful!"

 

It's not that i have something more or something else to do with myself. If it was character I wanted to test, this stupid job is damn great at that! But it's just the feeling that...

 

That...

 

I have to do something else with my life.

 

maybe not something more than this.

 

but just something else.

 

 

and everyday as i get more and more pissed off with students and pissed off at being pushed around-- the more i am compelled to say fuck it all.

 

But yet.

 

do i dare?

 

 

It's not that I'm comfortable for not having tried.

 

But do i have it in me? To recklessly abandon?

 

Just fuck it all and in September I am going to get me that ticket to Japan, so i can go for my month long concert and travel around while i am at it.... on a shoestring budget if that's possible in fucking JAPAN?

 

 

But as i feel sicker and sicker and sicker everyday for being a beggar to my students, the more I feel that I must leave. The more I feel THAT is what I need to feel powerful again. To feel that I am not a total fucking loser. To feel that, you know what? I define my life the way I want it to and all of you people who can't see me for all that I am and can't like me for all that i am, well then fuck you too. That i want my strength and my own fucking "shine" to be that, you know, to be the one to never seem like I am capable of doing this shit, but to be the one who does it-- when no one else can.

 

Still yet, I can't help but I am still suffering from a shit insecurity that was rooted back when i was 14.

 

 

I'm still as insecure and feeling as unwanted and a total loser. And I feel that the only way to prove to myself and my life that I'm not a fucking loser and to make everyone who has ever fucking think that i was fucking crap look at me and be envious-- is to do all that-- to recklessly abandon and just do what I want with my life, fuck consequence aside. to say that I can and you can't because you are too chicken shit to do anything else with your life than what was prescribed to you.

 

But then... if the reason why i feel i must do all that is to prove them wrong about me, and to make myself feel good about me... then that's crap too. that's not finding strength within you... that's just masking your insecurities behind this fake plastic immaculate wall if things lie to yourself to make you feel better.

 

so what is real strength?

and maybe, i'm just stupid... to recklessly abandon and not think about the consequence on my life and my future.

 

I'm not young anymore, you know. But of course if i said that, Eileen would personally fly to Malaysia from California to kick my ass for saying that. She has herself lived a thousand lifetimes and it was always great to hang around her back then. Because she always made me aware of my youth and made me aware of all the journeys there is in life to take. That you know, at her age, at 80--- really, nothing we do EVEN at 25 makes any "lifelong" changes or consequence-- and that, is a wonderful thought.

 

And part of me wish i would hold on to that. Hold on to this shitty feeling even. That it might brew to an end-- that with this discontent, this insecurity and my need to fucking kill it, I would in the end, be spurred to do something reckless with my life-- hardly reckless eh? hardly perhaps it is then-- but it's something else nevertheless-- and it's something I wouldn't dare to do, something i don't think is wise to do.

 

i wish life was as easy as you live, you learn... If then...

 

 

Make life more meaningful, huh? I don't even know how i want to define that. But i just know that right now, this is not it. I find no meaning. I find no joy. No meaningful joy. No meaningful meaning to daily actions. Nor do i see future consequence to everything I go through everyday.

 

It's like. This won't mean a thing come tomorrow-- and it never does.

 

 

Perhaps I should go. Perhaps I should indeed.

 

I really need to leave and that 1 week vacation to Japan ain't sufficient anymore.

 

You know... I think... i can leave in September.

 

Let's see if I do.

 

haha.

 

but even that, hey, life goes on man, even leaving in september in the end-- baby we all know that it won't mean a thing anymore either one day in the end-

 

but at least for that one moment-- it means something more-- even though it's just something more to just me.

 

I don't know.

 

I want to leave.

 

I really want to leave.

 

I just dont know when, or how, or how long--

 

I just don't know how I can make me feel like "hell yeah, I'm living my life yo!" again.

 

yeah.

 

i don't think this sort of life is meant for me la... Once i don't find joy and i can't find meaning-- I just feel that i must leave... It's just that I can feel myself being TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO consumed over TINY little things that are totally inconsequential

i jsut need to find strength somewhere else... and extract myself from this life-- to remind myself that "dudeeeeeeeeeeee there's way more to life than this. Than MCKL. Than Vision. Than Nigel Yong Ki Shen. Than thinking abt the future." Life is long man.... and we shouldn't be too caught up with things that don't matter at all anymore in a week, in a month, in a semester

i just need to LEAVE, i suppose, to remind myself that again.

 

elaine

-if i could only see you now for about an hour-