i think i have a self destructive side to me.
i'm getting bored with nigel.
i mean... i like the way things are, i do, he's nice to me you know. but he's also online and i'm really getting bored. i want to do more, you know. i think i just need excitement. I love his emails and i still get stupidly happy getting them, but i'm running out of conversations and questions... and i really don't see things getting anywhere...
I just want to rock the boat, push it up a few notch... (not like it's NOT high already) But i want to do that, do something crazy because things are actually normal. i feel like even mixing things up, i don't know, take a risk, gamble the chance and try to push for something more, or you know.... force the moment to its crisis.
i don't know, then again, it's not as if i have not done crazy things you know... I guess i'm just dying for a reaction from Nigel. Doesn't have to be like a "oh yea, elaine i like u too," (tho THAT would be great!) but just.... something u know...
but then again, as it is... Nigel makes me happy when he makes me happy... and that's a really great feeling to feel, u know...
Well, of course, i'll be careful with what i wish for... So, i think i better just try to KEEP what i have with Nige for d mo!
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