ひとりの夜もそばにいようぜ　君と僕の歌を歌う

yes i am back home but i am begining to remember why i didn't wanna come back =P

anyways i didn't get to buy the AKG concert tickets and i am a little sad because they damn kick ass and i think they are beyond superb and yes i am listening to their song now and it's still not killing me... instead of saying i love AKG i think i'm just going to keep saying that they are just awesome and amazing and incredibly talented and they are so great...... hmmm

ok anyways. Not like anyone's listening but a shout out to Yan Yee, thanks soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much for trying to get the tickets for me. You're awesome!!!!!! And also, another shout out to Aya-chan her MOM!!! for being so cool!!! hehehe.... lemme quote Aya-chan's email...

"Yeah,, I did ask my mom about AKG's concert ticket.Then, first, she said, "They're awesome!" So I simply asked her whether shecould get a ticket or not. Then she told me that unfortunately she was not amembership of fan-club for Asian Kung-Fu Generation YET, so she said itwould be difficlt to get a ticket.( Actually she said "two tickets" so iasked her "why two?" and she siad "one for Elaine-chan and one for me Oka-san") But she tried. she called concert ticket company for one hour buti'm sorry she couldn't get it."

Thank you so much to lovely Aya-chan!! and her okasan! thanks!!!! I hope we remain friends for long and i won't dissapoint you!!!

so anyways......

AKG.... watashi wa erm... anata no ongaku ga totemo *insert some Japanese word her for the following description: awesome, great, amazing, brillaint, outstanding, shining, kick ass, kicked my ass, totally and absolutely simpley just beyond awesome*......... alright... as u can see, I AM listening to AKG now, Jihei Tansaku.... i have absolutely NO IDEA whatsoever he's singing except "dare ga hero" but whatever, they are just beyond man... whether or not i understand their words or not.

Anyway, thank you again Yan Yee, Aya-chan, Aya-chan no okaasan, Masa, Mayuko-san, Ryota and everyone who has so freely and unselfishly made themselves available to the onslaughts of my obsessive impulses. Thank you so VERY VERY VERY much for tolerating me and being soooooooooooooooo awesome towards me when i really don't deserve it. You're what makes life beautiful and worth living for and make me remember that this world can be nice afterall... Thanks!!!!!!

i was reading this book today Into Thin Air.... that book about the 1996 Mount Everest disaster. Didn't know that it was actually written by a "fellow" journalist.

It's a great book actually. I enjoyed it immensely except for the ever-great "American Flaw" which is the characteristic of being ethnocentrically crtical and judgemental of non-Anglo people. I totally hate that. Like how he's very critical of the mistakes made by the non-whites Sherpas, the Russian guide, the Japanese expedition and client-- i just didn't like how he generalized the actions/words of these non-whites as being the culture and nature of all Russians, Sherpas, Japanese. I just didn't like his generalization and making it seems as if all Sherpas, Russians and Japanese are irresponsible and selfish. While on the other hand, for the white people, the mistakes and actions/words of these people were attributed to personal and individual qualities. Also, when he does mention the heroism of the Sherpas it is often attributed also as a cultural quality instead of individual effort as he did with the white people. I don't know why alot, and i do mean alot of even the most well meaning white people are like that, seriously... You know, just cause you're white, doesn't mean you're great. I mean, I may be a little dim-headed, shitty reporter, has less of a flair for words and much smaller vocabulary than this dude, but really, i am not totally dumb and what i know i do have is the ability to be critical when the enthocentric flag is raised.

ANYWAYS... those glitches aside, what i did enjoy about his book is his humor... damn great man... Lemme quote from his book.

"When it came time for each of us to assess our own abilities and weigh them against the formidable challenges of the world's highest mountain, it sometimes seemed as though half the population at Base Camp was clinically delusional"

"But perhaps this shouldn't have come as a surprise. Everest has always been a magnet for kooks, publicity seekers, hopeless romantics, and others whith a shaky hold on reality."

Mannnnnnnnn classsic!

I also liked how, i guess.... it wasn't so noticable until the end in the afterwords when he was arguing the validity of his accounts in the book, he brings out/cites a wealth of information that he had double checked with other survivors/people who were there whom he had interviewed... And there was another dude who published another book The Climb who challenged this dude's account of the disaster........ And u know what, when this dude backed up all his facts with his interview transcripts, etc....... all i can say is, you know what, sometimes it's almost impossible to challenge a truly experienced reporter who is concretely backed up by solid notes. That was when the true journalistic qualities of this book shines through.

Anyways....... His book made me realize, or realize even more, the great use of journalism u know...... I mean, i guess i seriously just really need to learn to love reporting... But the skills u aquire as a reporter is really cool. It really really teaches you alot on how to contact the right people, how to come up with an angle, who to contact, how to try to get people who don't want to talk to talk and how to get people who talk to talk to you abt the things you want to know, how to ask the right questions to get the information you need, to know what questions to ask to begin with..... it's great u know, what reporting can teach you......

And u know....... I love music, and in many parts of me, i love cross cultural studies..... i just wish i could find a way to intergrate those two with reporting and do something in my life that amounts to something significant in the end, you know what i mean? I don't think i can do it, but i sure as hell want to.

i am dissapointed with:

1) fucking life. fucking shit, stuck in LA for another 3 days man. wtf! ouh man...... i am ready to go home now, please lemme go backkkkkkkkkkkkkk....... i wanna go backkkkkkkkkkkkk......... sighhhhhhhhhh............. TOTEMO TSUMARANAI!!!!!!! TOTEMOOOOO.......... sighhhhhh.......
2) my family. some. curently i love my mom, my dad and my brother and yes, my godparents and my "god brother" wuahahahhaha...... geez Dez is my godbrother huh??? goshhhhhhh. is he suppose to be like setting an example for me or something???
3) my friends. some. sorry. KONON JE LAH KAWAN.
4) myself. shite.

To die, to sleep: no more!
And by a sleep to say we end the heartache
And the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to.
To die, to sleep; to sleep, perchance to dream:
Ay, there's the rub:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil
Must give us pause!

Shakespeare was talking abt suicide here........ not dreams... the dreams he's reffering to is the retribution in afterlife for the mortal sin of suicide (Christianity). Yeap... that 1 1/2 years of A-Levels, that's what i learnt.

And from Shakespeare... here's Brand New's song Moshi Moshi.

What do I do when you get close?
If I kissed your neck, would you slit my throat?
Are you thinking of me when you're putting on your makeup,
darling, and dying your hair like you do
Well you're wasting time if you're trying to impress me
I waste all my time just thinking of you

And I'm not imagining how you give me the shivers,
standing up to your waste in your river
You're the sweetest boat-builder I think I've ever seen
Dream in Japanese, dream in Japanese,
some language I don't even know how to speak
You're still pretty and I am still choked up,
it's probably just the same
The more I hang around you,
the more hang-ups I get (more hang-ups I get)

Are you thinking of me when you're putting on your makeup, darling,
and dying your hair like
you do? (dying your hair like you do)
Well you're wasting time if you're trying to impress me
I waste all my time just thinking of you

I know that you're an angel,
though you could never stay true (you could never stay true)
Hey angel, I think your halo has a screw loose,
'cause you dropped me like a brick off the rooftop of your high school
Could I watch the next time you're applying your eyeliner?
I waste all my time just thinking of you


Both as definitive of how i feel right now.

i think the reason why i am depressed is because i ca't find something that i actually like about myself. I don't know... usually, at least for the last year or two, i've always been able to find a certain sstrenth in me to love and to appreciate about myself that makes me need and want others less that gives me the strength to say fuck you to everyone and anyone who fucks with me. yet now i find myself needing so much, find myself having needing to depend on others for my own happiness... for my own selfworth? I can'tfind something to love, to like about me, i just can't. i am painted with ugliness and i can't seem to define myself. i don't know what happened but i just lost it you know. i can't find one thing to like about me. to like about myself. and i hate that, i hate that becasue i can't dig myself out of this....

ouh man......... looks like March is gonna be a week really cut out for me *sigh* then again, it's the week before spring break...... i wish i really really wish i can really go to Japan during spring break to see AKG........ but the again that's another one on the long list of my "broken dreams"

shite.

PERnant Ian: ok, time to deploy some Taking Back Sunday, my own personal Zoloft
PERnant Ian: hopefully they'll make me feel better
PERnant Ian: i tell u
PERnant Ian: i think a TBS pit really is my best anti-depressant
PERnant Ian: dunno why when u go in there
PERnant Ian: get crushed to death
PERnant Ian: go breathless and nearly pass out from screaming to the songs too much
PERnant Ian: THAT, is like THE cure man

But i am serious. it's like everything fades when i get into that pit. I don't like mosh pits much cause it's really dangerous really. But sometimes when i am depressed, getting into a TBS pit is like the best thing in the world. not in the world lah. but one of the best instantaneous cure. you sing and scream and scream your lungs out with the band and the damn crowd is crushing you, and then crowd surfers is trying to kill u with their flying kicks...... ouhhhhhhhhhhh mannnn...... at the end of the set (which is always da shittiest part), you're left with a stupid smile on your face stretched from one end to another end and an immense lightness of being floating inside u. Damn great! and you're like cannot hear anything, still cannot breathe well, voice gonna be gone.... but mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn it's like this relaxing feeling and a calm inside that washes over you and you're just like "ouhhhhhhh mannnnnnnnnnn that was the greatest thrill ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" BEST BEST BESTS songs to sing/scream/drown/die to in the pit.... Cute Without The E, Decade Under the Influence (AMAZINGGGGGGGGGGG!!!), You're So Last Summer, Great Romances of the 20th Century, Timberwolves at New Jersey............... AMAZINGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! arghhhhhhhh damnnnnnnnnnnnnn where's TBS when i need them????????????

Yeap..........

if u ask me what a TBS pit means to me, that's what it means to me.

New layout! New song! New bg! the flowers are abit annoying to me.... so if it's annoying to you too, please tell me... =D

Song: Argh... I am a Pirate by Zolof the Rock Destroyer. they are a fun fun fun fun band =D

Alright, i think i need to redesign, like REALLY redesign the blog........ since i am gonna go back to Malaysia i think i'll do it then.... But abit lazy to deal with CSS and HTML. It's like brain won't function.

Please feel free to leave comments......... show me i'm loved....... I'm abit of the insecure and sensitive type ;) ABIT is an understatement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =(

I dun think that courtney love.... yeapppp... courtney love gets the credit she deserves for her lyrics. I think her lyrics are simply brilliant. I think her lyrics have alot of truth in them that only a person like Courtney Love who has gone through all she has can write something like it.

Hey, this life is never fair
The angels that you need are never there

We all get our glory
A little bit of fame
But there's no truth at the heart of any of it
Just the brilliance and the passion
And the bitterness remains

Oh how he brings me down
Oh, down into the ground
I never will get out
And I never will get out

And I'll protect you from the night
It will never fall
I'll protect you from the truth
Won't hear it at all

When you're in the whirlpool
And they try to suck you in
Remember, you aren't gonna drown
Baby, 'til you have been alive
Hang on to me, forever baby
I could always swim

Hush, your highness
Don't you breathe
Baby, hold me in your arms
I'm shivering
But what's all that for?
If I was the battle
Baby, you have won the war

And I love this whole song.... "Never Gonna Be The Same" the best...... i think it's just absolutely brilliant... and seriously, i think only Courtney Love could have written something so tragically brilliant.

Cut me up today
Should've stood in your way
You lied

And everywhere a dream
Nothing came between
I died

Give me a way
I will not bleed for you
God comes down

Never gonna be the same
Never gonna be the same
Never gonna be the same

And if you wanted water
And if you want food
And if you want shelter
I can not come over to you
And if you want love now
Or a needle and a spoon
You gotta show a little faith in me now baby i can't come over to you
It's never gonna be the same
Never gonna be the same
God come on down

And if you want out
Sitting by the bay
Well the sun went down tomorrow
It will not come up today
And if you want love now
Or rapture un so cruel
If there's a god it's me
Now baby i can not come over to you
It's never gonna be the same
She drew me in anyway
She lied

You gotta show a little faith
In your old rugged cross you made
What goes up must it go down and down and down
You cried.

And if i wanted fame now
All the glory all the womb?
And if i want my name emblazened in all the light in you
And if i wanted Christ or a Messiah by my side
I can't believe in anything i know that mary lied
Sucked you up today
Could've gone in your way
Oh mary lied

Do you know
Can you feel it
Do you feel me
Yeah
And if you wanted madness and if you want whats pure
Well you gotta come over to me baby my life doesn't reach to you and
If you want love so unconditional and real you gotta ride
That black horse baby through the depths of hell that i've been
follow me away
Yeah though I walk
I will be the same
Strongest one to name
Through the valley of life
I'm gonna be the same
Goodnight goodnight goodnight
Ah goodnight
Oh you'll never be the same

BRILLIANT!!!!!

and of course... only courtney love can write lines like this and mean it.

I am the centre of the unverise
I am the centre of the universe
I am the centre of the universe

couple of things...

taking back sunday still leaves me breathless....... and i don't just mean that methaphorically. It's true... hahaha..... standing their mosh pit screaming my lungs out, seriously, couple of times was gonna pass out. And da thing is that they keep putting Decade Under The Influence right before Cute Without The E. So like I am screaming my head off, and always till the "bridge" second last part when he sing "Anyone will do tonight Anyone will do tonight Close your eyes, just settle, settle Close your eyes, just settle, settle. Well I got a bad feeling about this, I got a bad feeling about this (to hell with you and all your friends, it's on). I'm coming over but it never was enough I thought it through and my worst brings out the best in you" ouh mannnnnnn........ i tell u.... i always feel like the air going out of my lungs these parts........ awesome awesome...... THEN after the song ends, they play Cute Without The E, and then AGAIN!!! it's screaming time!!! woooooooo ahhhhhhh... I realize from yesterday's show..... cause it was in Universal Amphitheater and it was like a Radio show... KROQ Acoustic Christmas, so the mosh pit was TOTALLY quiet during TBS' set cause 1) there are very little people who can get the pit tickets... 2) there are very little hardcore fans in the pit cause there are like 10 other bands playing and it was already so hard to get the pit tickets itself.
ANYWAYS! so what i found also is that, heheheeh, with or without the energy of the crowd, i think your own madness and the band's energy is enough to make it the same anywya!!! still damn great!!!

ALSO, i was happy.... i met Matt and got to say hi and hehe, he remembers meee~ nice to be remembered by a band you love =D

okies........ found a pic of my bro with Karen but she didn't like it =PPP hahahahha..... but gave me a REALLY Cute one of them together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so cute that i even overcame my laziness and reposted this post the third time to upload the new pic!!! so cute hehehe ^^

your girl is lovely, Huble.... hmmm... i wonder how she can stand my brother ;)

My heart is starting to thaw
From the day I lost my voice, colors sprouted up
The drops that escape from my extended hands
Shine on this place, thinking of the future

So.... erm now that japanese class is over i suddenly feel like watching anime. what the hell. well i dunno how to feel.

With trivial words and casual gestures With my song I just want to ascertain myself of my feelings that are coming apart

I dunno what he's singing tho... which is kinda hard to let a song say what u mean when u don't understand what it's saying, and farther even from understanding what it really means.
I dunno... i feel abit empty now that it's all gone and there are not thrills left to bitch about. Patheticness is still a topic to ponder upon even though it's a shitty topic to have to concern youself wth. But still... and now, i am left with frays i guess. that i can't really grasps or understand how to feel. better to have nightmares, better to have broken dreams than to be dreamless perhaps?

i want to understand these songs more than just the music because the music speaks what i feel but i need the words to say what i can't articulate.

Ahhh if only i was a little more bold, with a little more guts. Perhaps perhaps, life might have been also just a little more different.

Haido-san welcome back.

Thought that it's about time i put up a haido pic. Wanted to do it cause i dun give the dude enough credit for being a brilliant singer/songwriter. So i put a pic of him (where he's still as cute of coz, that can't be helped) but him playing a guitar and singing cause u know, he REALLY IS MORE than just a pretty face. Was listening to Shallow Sleep English version just now, the guy is great lah, the song is so beautiful and his English is perfect, pronounciation pun...

So please, lets all dun forget, he's a great songwriter. =) cause heh, can quite easily be overwhelmed by his cuteness sometimes ^^

BUT NO, i actually liked Haido for his music first before his face... hehehe... was listening to shallow sleep on one of the websites and it really grabbed me immiediately..... so there u go, he doesn't need his face to be a great songwriter ^^

i guess i should post something huh? well i wanted to post some stuff just never got round to doing it.... first, congratulations to AKG, they finally made it up to top 25 most played on my playlist with their songs Compass (Rashinban) and Kaigan Dori, yeap! They should have been there a long time ago but da thing is that when i play AKG i usually loop all 50 songs, thus it takes quite a while before it gets a repeat.... and also like i got multiple of the same songs... like Kaigan Dori has two copies... so there's 29 plays on one, 18 on the other.... etc etc.... these reasons are also why alot of the TBS Tell All Your Friends songs are not on top 25 either... damn this song is so good "Jihei Tansaku"... and the only words i understand is "dare ga hero..." something something.... I guess he's asking who's the hero something something huh?

Anyway, Japanese class is officially over. Kinda bummed out of my tests abit, shite... Sigh, i hope i can still get an A in the class....... i mean, how can i say i like Nihon no koto if I can't even get the language right? *sigh* PLUS, if i don't get the language right, then i'd never be able to understand AKG in my life! =( *long sigh* ;)

And also, yesterday *heart flutters* my brother said my paper was well written *smiles*.... whaada complimentttt although of course, it must have been just a B to him or he was expecting something real shitty from me..... I sent him one of this journalism research paper I wrote for my international news media class last semester.... he wanted to use it wuahahahahha... erm i know it's kinda plagarism but anyways! He said it was good actually =D wooooo *ahhh contented*.... u know it's like your favourite writer telling u that u have a B grade story....... ahhhh good enuf for me...

And ALSO, saw cute guy yesterday.... But for the first time in my life, i chickened out and didn't dare to force the moment to it's crisis.... I didn't say "hi" as i told myself the whole weekend that i would if i saw him on monday *sigh*.... perhaps I've 'learnt'???? RIGHHHTT sighhhhhh why elaine why did u chicken out?

*sigh*

hope i see him again today. Moo ichi... something something... =D

anyways... please if u could, go check AKG songs out at: http://akfg.sayuri.us/dl/audio_c.htm

And i leave u with......... AKG!! yayayayayay!!!

Elaine Loh is currently in her senior year pursuing a degree in Journalism at California State University, Northridge. She is also doing a collateral field in English at the same school. She completed her secondary school education at Senior Methodist Girls School Kuala Lumpur and continued her studies in the GCE A-Levels at Taylors College where she took English Literature, Sociology, Economics and Mathematics. After completing her A-Levels at Taylors College, she enrolled in the American Degree Program at KDU College in hopes of continuing her studies in America. Her interest lies in writing fictional stories but ever since discovering Journalism, she now hopes to be able to represent the voices and perspectives of the people and places she come across in her life through her writing.


What bullshit... i wonder when the hell did i write such shit. geezzzzzzzzzz


and the answer is i don't know.

hi hi...

thanks for the call... my birthday is on nov 15.. didn't really do much had class from 9am till 10pm.

anyway. i hope you're doing well in iowa. I hope your're not too lonely and i hope you will indeed find a girlfriend soon. i understand how you feel. i don't know what i feel these days. i don't think i want a boyfriend but i think i really want someone to be there. i want someone that i can call up for lunch or for dinner, someone i can hang out with, go shopping with and have fun with you know. Play Halo or something together, just sit there and watch TV together so that i don;t need to be alone all the time. And then there's another part of me which longs for something more fundametal. somewhere inside me that longs for that image of this guy and me and the cold wind blwoing (u know the wind in northrdige). And he's tightening the scarf around my nect and he's telling me "take care of yourself ok. it's cold" and i am smiling as he's carefully bundling me up so that i don't catch a cold and i know that i mean something to him because of the care in his hands and the look in his careful eyes as he makes sure everything is alright. something so fundamental and so damaging inside me wants that... and i guess i just want too much in life you know... i don't know... why do we always seem to want waht we can't have? and i still want it even i know it's just a fantasy, even though i know something like that can never happen. something in my head my fanatasy can never translate into life...

and i want so much more from life. i want to do so much more. i want to know the people i know i can't. i want to meet the people i know that it's just a fantasy, yet i still want it so childishly. but i still want it and i just don't know how to surrender a fantasy unless my heart dies. and give up on it because i burnt out...

and i want so much more. i want so many lives i can't ever achieve, i want so much more so many thins i know i am jst dreaming and i've alwasys been a dreamer but for california none of my dreams have ever come to be and sometimes it saddens me and makes me angry and frustrated with life for that....

anyway, do you know anyone working with Sony Music Japan or Kioon Record Japan? I want to TRY IF i can arrange a US tour for their band Asian Kung Fu Generation with an american band... i don't think i can but still, i guess i am stupid and a dreamer that way, i believe in trying too much even tho everyone else in the world says it's imposible but somewhere in my fucked up head, i don't see it that way.

I wish i could go to Kyoto. I'd like to live there one day... for a year... or maybe two... i want to capture the colors and the beauty that is the essense of the timelessness of kyoto even if it's just for a fraction of time in eternity.

Elaine

Look man, he actually translated my whole "fan mail" (posted Nov 22) into hiragana... what a bitch to do something like that man!! i mean first he had to translate it!! MANNNN that's like biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig job... then to write it in Hiragana only!!!! can't even use kanji cause i cannot write kanji!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ARIGATOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

soooooooooooooooo touched!! and he was willing to call Japan Kioon Records for me too!!! ahhhhhh sooooooooooooooooo nice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh **sooooooo touched**

thank uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

What do people really think about you? by Raven319
Name
Age
favorite song
Parents think	You're an angel
Strangers think	You need a makeover
Friends think	You smell really bad
Quiz created with MemeGen!

You know... i realize i don't have a favourite song.... i mean they always differ... but at the mo i guess it's kaigan dori, i really want to make a video if it. I know Kaigan Dori kinda means Beach Road/path (like yellowcard's Ocean avenue wuahahaha wtffff!!! waht an insult to AKG's Kaigan Dori) but i think i want to make my video with scenes river.... i hope, REALLY REALLY REALLY hope Kurata-san would be able to lend me his camera........ yeh, i still have an inability not to call Kurata-san Kurata-san cause HE IS STILL MY TEACHING ASSISTANT. right? ouh damn my asian mentality.

You know... i realize the answers to this Quiz is right.

why do we always seem to want what we can't have? why do i always seem to long for something i can never achieve can never grasps?

and i see you and there you are. and you're saying hold my hand but i can't understand but what i do understand is the look in your eyes and the softness in your hands as you brush my hair back and wrap the warmth of the scarf around my neck tigther against the cold and you say to me "take care of yourself okay" and i know that i mean something to you as i smile in my heart inside.

and i want you there in the moment though i know i can never posess you in which life said no because there's just fantasy and there is always something called reality, something that is always there.

but i do want something. why fantasize when it's so painful knowing and always realizing that you are only a fool with wishful thinking? childish wantings? inmature desires? why why why can't i finally grow up?

Well... here's one of the dummy magazine design i had to make for my Graphics class this semester....

damn lah i really like Asian Kung Fu Generation....... shite....... shud stop listening to them then maybe i wun like so much.

ANYWAY

i am abit depressed. actually not depressed but sad u know... cause tomorrow is the last Japanese class....... and u know....... I really DID learn some stuff.... I mean i still can't understand conversational japanese but at least i can read kana and hiragana and know some words and know how to form basic formal sentences........

sigh i miss the class lah. and we have a really cool class too....

sigh.......

i hate the end of semesters........

really, it's like the end of something (as my brother phrases it).....

the end of the semester is really like the end of school.......

sighhhhhhh

i feel like sucked out.

sigh..

got japanese sketch tomorrow... hopefully i remember my lines.

AKG IS COOL.

go listen to their songs.... really. they're good.... maybe u wun think they are brilliant but i guarantee u that u will at least like their songs... serious.

ok..

sigh..

Well i decided to check AKG's lyrics out yesterday.... and well, lets just say i am in love!!! wuahahahah....

actually, well there are some of his lyrics that i don't quite catch on cause they're frigging weird ok, think about the lights of the tokyo tower, i imagine that with some of his lyrics... on the other hand, he has some really beautiful lines. He utilizes nature alot in his lyrics. I wonder if this is a japanese thing or what, but his lyrics reminds me of like old japanese poetry (like those in Tale of Genji or those Heian period stuff) where he uses the imagery of snow, cherry blossoms, flowers... very beautiful, trafic, depressive, yet serene.

But as much as i love the English translation to the songs, i regret i cannot understand japanese because i think i'd love his lyrics even more. Because what i love about AKG even now is that:
1) he writes the type of lyrics i love.... reiterations. He repeats the same lines, the same phrases over and over again in different parts of the song but each time, or at some climatic point in the song, he changes a word or two... and this also brings me to point
2) when he changes the phrases, it sound very beautiful or well, very flowing and rhyming in Japanese, because basically, one or two syllable of the word changes sound which completely changes the meaning of the word altogether. makes it VERY beautiful... simply brilliant! (this is like Ash, what i love about Ash was that Tim did the same thing too, and this dude does it like WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY alot!! but damnnnnnnnnnn man, BRILLIANTLY)
3) i like his imageries alot.... like alot of the stuff that i pulled out and pasted here, i pasted them cause he talked about about stuff like memories and dreams, which has always been themes that i love.... like how i loved Ash 1977 because of Tim's references to stars all the time..... so yeah....

One thing though, about it is that.......... hehehehehehe........... i guess it's BETTER that i didn't understand the songs right now because i love them for the music.... and u know, this dude is brilliant cause NOT ONLY did he WRITE the lyrics, he wrote the MUSIC also!!! DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!! what the hell....... But yeah.... I love AKG's music without listening to the songs..... But for some of the songs like Kimi to iu Hana (a flower called "you"), the song sounds so happy but the lyrics is damn tragic... Same with Kimi no Machi Made, it sounds like such a fun song but it's damn tragic! Or well... at least the translation is damn tragic...... anyways..... here are sample of his lyrics okay....

Knowing the answer, we seem to repeat ourselves
My heart beings to thaw, split finely
My reason for sadness is not filling in the crack
I'll scorch your heart with my impure hands

We seem to repeat the same mistaken answer
Feeling ill, my heart is gone
My depressed mentality is not filling in the crack
I'll break your dreams with my impure hands
(dat's the change i was talking about that i love)

The evening rain, the sound of the cicada, the illusions that are worth nothing
I'm just left behind, drifting
Drawing myself up haphazardly, I might as well pretend to be strong
A summer day, don't disappear afterimage, don't disappear

You lower your judgment, abandoning your impulses
An emotional argument, packed full of desires

In your one step forward, you lower your judgment
It's alright if you don't worry about your pace
Because you're going to tear things up

Ah, it's all boiled down to passions
Going round and round
But certainly when that's over
What will you use to satisfy yourself
Once, in the shadows of hope?

In our transparent desires
My heart that is dying out, looped
Moving forward somehow, unconcerned
A hesitant story
For how long will we lose things?
You know the real me, that I was hiding
Moving forward somehow, meaninglessly
A hesitant story

In short, everything was smashed up
In short, it was dancing in the wind
A drop shining in your eyes
Ah, thunder in the blue sky
If there is only pain, then it's divided between us, that's right
The color of the two of us
Until our white breath runs out
That road that we flew over
From atop a hill, I can see a flower called "you"
That has bloomed in the city, and will bloom again

Ahead in the twilight, is the moon lighted silver
We are projected as though in a mirror, carrying our helplessness and all
This song exists for me to fly to your town

You who are trembling and helpless
Will you one day become the wings of tomorrow that will save us?
(DAMN AWESOME!!!)

The shadows point at 2 o'clock
The wind blows through the gaps between the shining red trees
If only I could fly to your town
With only pain and sadness

You who are next to me, and un-serene
Will you one day become the wings of tomorrow that will save us?
I can't fly to beyond way over there, which is shining
But the time in which I'm flapping my wings won't disappear
(AWESOME AWESOME!!!)

The seasons pass, changing colors, feelings always do the same
You always run away as fast as you can

You who are trembling and helpless
Will you one day become the wings of tomorrow that will save us?
Even if I can't fly to a place that's like a dream
The time in which I'm flapping my wings won't disappear
(again, see how he changes the words........ awesomeeeeeeeee....)

The city is clearly colored in the approaching
Footsteps of winter, it dances

With trivial misunderstandings and a misunderstood heart
With my song I just want to hold back my feelings that are coming apart
(love that!)

Snatching away the passing time and breaking it
Even still, I'm tying together my memories

I mourn after cutting my sprouted feelings
I cry after realizing that I'm just mediocre
My rotted heart
A filthy lie

It's painful, the pain has already broken the illusion of our hopes and dreams
On the line between reality and ideals
(sounds like what i feel about all my trying to promote AKG in US!!!)

The light ahead in your muddy eyes does not disappear, on the street corner
It was in your heart, don't get rid of it
I wish for the unseen tomorrow ahead in you, unsounding
Surely, some day...

Your heart is ajar, I understand that
Don't reject how you were on that twisted day

Your heart has no light, but even so I'll wait for tomorrow
Don't let go of my hand
I wish for the unsounding space running through time
Surely, some day...
(DAMN, this whole song, i WISH someone would sing that to me!!! shite! so sweet!!)

You cried uneasily, I understand that
Even if the stick thorn won't come out

Those days you cried, shutting yourself away, I understand that
Don't reject how you were on that twisted day

What is left over of my melted heart
Won't recover as it is, my closed wounds are painful
On the cities street corners that I'm running through
Your siren echoes
Unveil it

Wail out, proof of life
Siren

The world belonging to you who has grown used to lies
I'll paint it white...
(one word... ok two: fking BRILLIANT!)

so anyways......... here's the dude..... he looks geekish and stuff =\ NOT exactly Haido neee hehehehehehehe..... but fcking brilliant!! shite... fcking brilliant! Like Tim Wheeler.... dang!!!!!!!!

elainelmy: i dunno lah....... i tell my friends all i want is happiness
elainelmy: and she told me just now..... happiness is temporary... find joy in God which is everlasting
sangkropik: yeap
elainelmy: and then i told her
elainelmy: u know what?
elainelmy: i dun know joy in God
elainelmy: cause i really cannot see the "goodness" in things messing up
elainelmy: build character?
sangkropik: yeah.. find happiness in god
elainelmy: screw that cause it's making me worse
sangkropik: or so they say
elainelmy: i mean GOD KNOWS it's making me worse
elainelmy: why does He keep doing it anyway!
sangkropik: but really i now know what's happiness is
sangkropik: though i'm positive it wont last long
sangkropik: but i'll just suck every drop of it
sangkropik: enjoy it while it last
elainelmy: well dats what i balme God also
elainelmy: geez
elainelmy: i blame God alot huh
elainelmy: i mean
elainelmy: seriouslyyyyyyyyyyyyy
elainelmy: i dunno lah
elainelmy: i am so un-Christian!!!
elainelmy: shuckssssssssssss
sangkropik: no, from islam's point of view
sangkropik: we cannot blame God
sangkropik: that's just God testing us
elainelmy: from Christian point also like that!!!!!!!!!!!
sangkropik: so then
elainelmy: and they say that God will not put u thru test He dun think u can't get thru
sangkropik: we should be strong!
sangkropik: hahaha
elainelmy: BUT THEN I AM THINKING
sangkropik: oh no
sangkropik: God will put us in test
elainelmy: U KNOW WAHT GOD???? it's making me depressed... making me contemplate suicide.... it's making me feel like shite.... it's making me hopeless abt life
sangkropik: so that only those who can endure it
sangkropik: hmmm
elainelmy: so why are You still putting me thru it
elainelmy: if it's only making me worse?!
sangkropik: being suicidal is just like running from problems
elainelmy: no man
elainelmy: i dun think it's running away
elainelmy: i think it's just dat i wanna sleep
elainelmy: but anyways
sangkropik: hahaha
elainelmy: SO DATS WHAT I BLAME GOD FOR SOMETIMES
elainelmy: i also feel i am spitting in God face also
elainelmy: cause i am blind towards the rest of the stuff He's giving me
elainelmy: that i dun deserve
sangkropik: but that shows that u still believe in God right?
elainelmy: or that like is going great for me but i dun apprecaite it
sangkropik: you still think that all this while God make u like this
elainelmy: well of course i believe in God, and i still Love Him
sangkropik: yeah
sangkropik: then its good
elainelmy: just dat sometimes i feel very angry at life
elainelmy: for being so fucked up
elainelmy: and not going how i want it to go
elainelmy: when sometimes
elainelmy: how i want it to go
elainelmy: is to help others also
elainelmy: while feeling happy helping others
elainelmy: or doing stuff for others
elainelmy: even when it's BEING NICE
elainelmy: i am still fucked over
elainelmy: makes me feel u know like it's not worth being nice
elainelmy: i should just be fucking mean like the rest of the world
elainelmy: since even the good are always the losers
elainelmy: so why the fuck bother


a erm... a song by Pedro the Lion... actually he sings alot of hymns...... but anyways.... I liked his renditions of hymns... makes it real nice, real personal... just him and his acoustic guitar...

Anyway.... i do love God, i just dun get why He does the thing he does and why the one thing i love so much that be music, it just seems to me that He's always not letting me go that way. It's like God, don't give me this passion and love to begin with if You're not gonna use it or let me do anything with it u know... cause it's really a very shitty feeling to love something so much but to know you can never never grasps it... it really REALLY sucks. so that's my main bitch for the day.

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I�m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I�m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here�s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I�ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.


elainelmy: okies
elainelmy: i wills top bitching here
elainelmy: cause sometimes i feel
elainelmy: like God is gonna strike me down
sangkropik: hahaha
elainelmy: and show me what SHIT really is
elainelmy: cause i am bitching sooooooooooooo much
elainelmy: abt stupid stuff.
sangkropik: its not stupid...
sangkropik: even me sometimes
elainelmy: well it's trivial
elainelmy: it's not like i am like a beggar in petaling street hooked on dope
elainelmy: u know what i mean???
elainelmy: THAT is serious shit.
elainelmy: mine is just a spoilt brat's complain

woke up toady with movielife singing "long island's calling me".... so i thought i'd upload the nice nice songs for all u ppl to hear...... hopefully there are pl to begin with. The movielife is good though, r.i.p., the song is acoustic and really beautiful. they're from long island.

Anyways.... i was looking through my friendster list yeasterday, which is rare cause i don't really even go on friendster. But anyways, i saw Gajendri's pic and u know, essentially she still looks very much like how i remembered her and u know, made me miss her alot....

And I was writing her a message to tell her that and u know, it's when u compare to school life to life now, that's when you realize the most how much you've changed. and how much life has changed really, i guess. And i think i've changed alot.... especially this year.... or even last year.... i don't know how i've changed but the way i look at life and waht i believe in and what i used to believe in has changed alot....

I don't think i have matured but i think i did grow up a little.... DAMN i think after turning 21, it really did something to me!!! Cause really, like when i talk to some of my classmates, i don't usually guess their age by how they look but by more of how they speak. Those that still have something against their family (teenage angst), those that still crave freedom and bitch about it, those that talk about freedom and partying, etc.... You can immiediately date them to pre-20s..... And i guess that's the same thing with like mid-20s people being able to guess our age.... those that are worrying about first jobs, those that are in mid-major limbo, those that are still young and hopeful..... And then u can date the mid-20 people too... they're those that are in stable relationships, quietly speaking/contemplating about marriage, talking about the hardships or challenges of working life, etc.....

But yeah...

I think i have changed. My preference has DEFINITELY changed. What i want from life might not have altered fundamentally but in my views of it, and what i want from it has changed alot. How i see myself... i'm not sure about that part. how certain i am of myself, yeah that' has changed....

And life itself has changed you know. As much as my time in California is only temporal, it's true that i am no longer in MGSKL, you know... I am in Cal State Northridge, you know. And i have a sort of life that might not be the most lively and cool one, but it's a life nevertheless, and i have my stories to tell my grandkids tho they are already fading in memory already.... But these experiences has changed me in many ways............ And the things i love keep constantly changing and as much as you can call that as being "unfaithful" i think it's cool cause it exposes me to way more things. If i had kept on loving England, i would have never have experienced all that i have here in America, and i would not have well...... liked Japan either and that means NO ASIAN KUNG FU GENERATION!!! and that can never be good!

And you know... if i have not fell in love with England and Europe back in highschool, i would never have left malaysia, and if i had not fell in love with America.... i would not have had these past two years which tho i regret i have NOT done some stuff, i do not regret AT ALL ALL that i did here.... and well now my liking Japan.... it's brought be back to Asia for my next phase of life that is coming by.... and maybe having fallen in love with Japan is a good thing to prime me for what's gonna come next you know.....

And in that way, i feel that, yeah i may be unfaithful to my loves, but it sure as hell make me be able, be wanting at least, be learning about something new, about another aspect, see another horizon of this very very and i do mean very big big world....

Well, I guess this is growing up.

woke up toady with movielife singing "long island's calling me".... so i thought i'd upload the nice nice songs for all u ppl to hear...... hopefully there are pl to begin with. The movielife is good though, r.i.p., the song is acoustic and really beautiful. they're from long island.

Anyways.... i was looking through my friendster list yeasterday, which is rare cause i don't really even go on friendster. But anyways, i saw Gajendri's pic and u know, essentially she still looks very much like how i remembered her and u know, made me miss her alot....

And I was writing her a message to tell her that and u know, it's when u compare to school life to life now, that's when you realize the most how much you've changed. and how much life has changed really, i guess. And i think i've changed alot.... especially this year.... or even last year.... i don't know how i've changed but the way i look at life and waht i believe in and what i used to believe in has changed alot....

I don't think i have matured but i think i did grow up a little.... DAMN i think after turning 21, it really did something to me!!! Cause really, like when i talk to some of my classmates, i don't usually guess their age by how they look but by more of how they speak. Those that still have something against their family (teenage angst), those that still crave freedom and bitch about it, those that talk about freedom and partying, etc.... You can immiediately date them to pre-20s..... And i guess that's the same thing with like mid-20s people being able to guess our age.... those that are worrying about first jobs, those that are in mid-major limbo, those that are still young and hopeful..... And then u can date the mid-20 people too... they're those that are in stable relationships, quietly speaking/contemplating about marriage, talking about the hardships or challenges of working life, etc.....

But yeah...

I think i have changed. My preference has DEFINITELY changed. What i want from life might not have altered fundamentally but in my views of it, and what i want from it has changed alot. How i see myself... i'm not sure about that part. how certain i am of myself, yeah that' has changed....

And life itself has changed you know. As much as my time in California is only temporal, it's true that i am no longer in MGSKL, you know... I am in Cal State Northridge, you know. And i have a sort of life that might not be the most lively and cool one, but it's a life nevertheless, and i have my stories to tell my grandkids tho they are already fading in memory already.... But these experiences has changed me in many ways............ And the things i love keep constantly changing and as much as you can call that as being "unfaithful" i think it's cool cause it exposes me to way more things. If i had kept on loving England, i would have never have experienced all that i have here in America, and i would not have well...... liked Japan either and that means NO ASIAN KUNG FU GENERATION!!! and that can never be good!

And you know... if i have not fell in love with England and Europe back in highschool, i would never have left malaysia, and if i had not fell in love with America.... i would not have had these past two years which tho i regret i have NOT done some stuff, i do not regret AT ALL ALL that i did here.... and well now my liking Japan.... it's brought be back to Asia for my next phase of life that is coming by.... and maybe having fallen in love with Japan is a good thing to prime me for what's gonna come next you know.....

And in that way, i feel that, yeah i may be unfaithful to my loves, but it sure as hell make me be able, be wanting at least, be learning about something new, about another aspect, see another horizon of this very very and i do mean very big big world....
I guess this is growing up.

does anyone even come here??? :(

anata no koto ga daisuki desu......... i like that phrase better that aishiteruze for "i love you" in japanese....... cause aparently anata no koto means "things about you"... so it's like "things about you i love"........ ain't that sweet??????? now THAT's love...... at least it's more defined.

i hate to say this but i really hate that stupid Center of Disabilities. Fucking bitch. what the fuck. dah lah write nice story for them that is promoting their program they come and fucking call back and bitch about various stuff. Stupid america has to be fucking politically correct about every fucking thing. I mean waht the fuck!
And what the fuck does that fucking guy Steve have? what the fuck is his problem? all he fucking did was accompany the other main guy i talked to to the newsroom and he comes and fucking call my fucking editor and told her that i wrote a quote that the guy didn't say. WHAT THE FUCK! I talked to the other guy on the phone before this FUCKER was even there what the fuck did he even have to do with the fucking story?! I mean fucker please get the fucking facts straight before you fucking call the editor up. I mean waht the fuck. if someone should have the problem with the quote it should be the fucking person i QUOTED, not the fucking bystander who don;t know fuck!

Fuck you really.

Center of Disability, you can take all your fucking problems and die alone and fuck off. I will not do another fucking story with you in it. I wanted to do one of my own stories on that center but u know what? Fuck you. So fucking picky you can just go fuck off and die. wait for fucking newspapers to hightlight what you do cause i sure as fucking hell won't fucking do it on my own. Fuckers.

well....

two things happened today.... (actually there's more but two i wanna talk abt)

1) Frank called me tonite....... just to say hi and see how i was doing........... ISN'T THAT SO NICE?????????????? *heart melts* so nice..... no otoko no hito every did that before..... hehe.... he was saying "just to tell you that i am still around...." awwwwwwwwwwe..... damn. why must he be 50 years old????

2) I FOUND OUT THAT PAUL IS HALF TAIWANESE AND HALF JAPANESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN MAKES HIM EVEN COOLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.......................
I finally told eri today that i liked Paul............ and asked Eri abt Paul and she was like "eh..... he's weird" hahahahahah........... But I was surprised at Eri, she was really nice... she was on MY side! hehehehe..... she told me to demand from Paul to know who the girl he likes for 4 years is..... she said that i have the rights to do that.......... damn u know waht, Eri is the real new age Japanese empowered women!!!! definitely! But she was sympathetic that Paul rejected me and all that and although she's Paul's friend more than i am her friend she was understood my part more...... that nice...... girls unite! girl power! eh!
And heh........ I think his bloodtype (damn so japanese thing to find out) is either B or AB.... they say more likely AB cause he got two different personalities. Mine's A and apparently, my match is suppose to be O, but it's weird match no? cause apparently A are the sensitive ones and O are the selamba ones............. DOESN'T THAT SPELL TROUBLE???????????? I mean cause A is damn sensitive and O is damn insensitive!!! But apparently no, to the japanese that's the right balance..... and if two people are too alike, they cannot go together cause then it be "too much"....... hmmmmmmmmmmmm damn. and when i asked them "does that mean the japanese agree more to the concept that the opposite attracts and the same repells?" and both replied (a guy and girl btw) "yeah............"

Apparently huh?

So for all u mismatch out there, the yin and the yang are on your side apparently!

Lost in Translation

Asian Kung Fu Generation,

Nihon-go wa sukoshi sukoshi wakarimasu kedo ????????? ????????? no uta wa totemo totemo totemo suki desu. (Japanese i little little understand but Asian Kung Fu Generation's song i really really like) My friend is translating this mail for me from English to Japanese so��
I really really really like your music and I think you are fucking brilliant (hahah masa I don�t think I should say that! hahahahaha) Actually I do think you are incredibly brilliant and talented. Your older songs, Kimi Tsunagi Five M and before that are really really really powerful and full of energy. Every time I listen to it, makes me wish so so so very much that I could go for your concert. Songs like Rashinban and Rocket No. 4 and Jihei Tansaku, Mirai no Kakera, Haruka Kanata really really makes me go �Wow!!!!� and wish I could be in a concert and rocking out with your songs! That was why I actually wanted to arrange a concert and a tour for you in America because I think you have the potential. I think your songs are really cool and very awesome enough for people over here to like it. I am waiting for them to show the rest of the anime Full Metal Alchemist on TV so that people can listen to your songs and be interested in the band further. I think if people gave you a chance and tried AKG out, they would love it. That�s what I feel.
Anyway� your latest album Sorufa and your newer songs are very very beautiful. These new songs make me feel very painful in my heart because I cannot understand Japanese to understand what you�re singing!!!! But the music is really beautiful though and it really makes me wish I could understand Japanese so that I can understand the full meaning of the songs. Songs like Mayonaka to Mahiru no Yume, Kaigan Dori, Mai Waarudo, Rasuto Shiin, really moves me a lot and really touches my heart and makes me go �ahhhhh!!!!!!!! I wish I could understand what he�s singing!!!!!! I wish I could sing along!!!!!! Arghhhhhhhhhhh!!! Why can�t I understand Japanese!!!????� Doesn�t it??? It�s so very beautiful��. Ahhh�..
Loop and Loop, Kimi no machi made, Kimi to iu Hana, are so catchy and addictive too! Sometimes I can really play your songs the whole night and not be bored! Kimi no Machi Made is really brilliant I tell you! Actually, all of the songs are! Ok ok� I think I am going overboard�. Sorry. (the song is playing now that�s why it makes me say it!)
Anyway, I really hope that I would be able to see you live one day. I think it would be awesome. I am sorry I don�t think I can get to arrange for the concert and tour for you over here although I will still continue trying. But I hope actually, and WANT TO go to Japan during my holidays next year in MARCH 26-28 to go for your concert!!! Wouldn�t that be awesome????? I will see, if I don�t have Visa problems, I will definitely go! Hehe� if I have the money too!

Anyway, I just wanted to say that your music is awesome and it really touches my heart and moves me to want to do something for you because I think that more people should hear something so wonderful. But anyways, keep up the great work, and I hope you�re having fun =)

Take care.

Elaine

Date: Sun, 21 Nov 2004 22:52:40 -0800 (PST)
From: Elaine L
Subject: KEVIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To: Kevin Hor

hi hi hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

*fighting with demons inside*

wassuppppppppppp??? thought i'd email you.... wish you could write back more often (ouh but i know it was me who have not written for awhile). it's nice hearing from you and see how you see stuff... cause i realized i'm abit of an airhead. i definitely need to read more.... and learn more... and shimasu alot more........ i like that japanese word, shimasu... denotes "do" but can be used so flexibly... but generally do wayyyyyy more... do i even have a point here.

You know i realized i wish i was a little normal. here i am chatting with my friends and writing an email with you but seriously, i am battling so many demons inside. It's like i attach too many meanings to too many things (the music i listen to, the conversations i have, etc) that nothing i say is really just face value, there's just so much of other stuff going on behind every word i write and everything i do that sitting here i writing i have 10,000 other thoughts fighting by trying to pull me down and make me feel like crap about life.... and that's what i am constantly depressed even when i don't want to. i guess this is the meaning of boredom.

ouh must be making u depressed.

ANYWAYS! asian kung fu generation rocks! if there's one thing i regret abt not listening my friends and watching naruto earlier is that if i did i'd have known abt AKG much much muchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh earlier!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But yeah i am feeling like flying to Japan to see them for a concert. that's the meaning of life. going places that u can tell your grandkids about how stupid and impulsive you were when u were young but you're only young once and when this is gone that's it but i also went out on a date with a 48 year old man who is totally not like a 48 year old... i guess the whole family responsibility thing really changes people and GOD please give me a boyfriend like NOW so that i can have one relationship in my life so that i can get it over with and just be happy alone for the rest of my life and still not be pathetic cause i like being alone and i don't like the life ordinary.

that my friend, is a run-on sentence.

ok! write back i hope and tell me how you're doing... Are you gonna go back to KL in december? i'll be back there from 20th dec - 25th Jan i think.... if ur back there we could all go hang out again... yay... i guess... argh i need friend joh!

elaine
-mai waarudo-

AND NO, i am not on drugs right now. it's just a lil cold. due to the fan that is.



Biggest lie that you can tell yourself is that you're okay. which i don't think i am either that or this room is too cold and i mean that literally. this song it's sooo good it's called Mayonaka to Mahiru no Yume and don't ask me what it means cause i don't know.... i just know it means Mayonaka AND Mahiru's something..... whatever Mayonaka and Mahiru and Yume means....... wait.... lemme check....

woooooooooooo i got it.... in my retarded elementary Japanese translation... Mayonaka to Mahiru no Yume means.... midnight and midday's dream...... =D

woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! according to Norika-chan i got it right!!! woooooooo...... soooo happy.... Japanese class worked!!!! my dad's USD1300 didn't go to waste apparently! wooooooooo....

anyways....... i dunno. i wish i understood the rest of the song. damn.

REASON WHY I WANNA UNDERSTAND JAPANESE:
so that i can understand these AKG songs....... cause they are soooooooo beautiful. or dang, they SOUND so beautiful.


Damn i still can't find a song for the video i want........... all all the songs sounds great but all the songs also contain some problems with visuals............ damn.

feeling a lil depressed and i don't really know why.... because i know that whatever i do, it won't work? i should have called yesterday. at least i was up for it then. now i am just depressed, self conscious and chicken shit.

want to make an AKG video but uninspired....... ODDLY ENOUGH.

where's Karen.... feel like talking to her........ it's nice talking to her cause somehow, there's always something to talk abt.

i don't get american television with their homemakeover shows........ i mean geez, there are as many of these shows as there are Reality TV shows..... geez.

anyways......... mada paul ga suki desu.......... i still like paul......... and i know i said something to you all about it being just physical attraction........ but u know..... i don't really know. it'd be nice if i could talk to him cause that does make me happy, you know.

anyway, happiness is hard to come by. so.

anyway, satoshi is feeling lonely in Indiana.... i shouldn't have said to him "i'm sure you'll find yourself a girlfriend".... i should have been more sympathetic. he really seems like he wants a girlfriend.... so tht they can ask each other what they did that day, worry about someone, be responsible and look after someone....... he said he wanted that... =\
well i need to go look for the asian kung fu generation song and i hope that kinda my friend would lend me his digital video camera........ no?

anyway, here's Haido........ with Tetsu... Tetsu's really cute here too.



but apparently, unlike Haido, Tetsu is showing his age......... I mean hellz, he IS 37 for goodness sake! I think 37 or SOMEWHERE AROUND THERE.

I miss
satoshi

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

L'ARC IS BEING PLAYED ON FULL METAL ALCHEMIST ON ADULT SWIM!!!!!!!! Thye are playing the Opening songs finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND ALSOOOOOOOOOOO

dat means................................................... ASIAN KUNG FU GENERATION MIGHT BE TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kyoo no deeto no repooto <--- bad japanese

Anyways.......... so tonight.

Things i discovered about Frank...

1) well... he is like twice or two and half times older than i am.... or so he says and since he was a math major from CALTECH (WHAT THE HECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!), i trust his calculations.

2) He did his undergraduate studies at CALTECH, damnnnnnnnnnnnnn that really totally pushed him up my book by like 10 folds the moment he said CALTECH. He was a Math major. AND YES, because he's so "old" he WAS IN CALTECH THE TIME THAT RICHARD P. FEYNMAN WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he's seen Richard Feynman around campus and used his textbooks and also who's that physicist? the one that coined the Big Bang theory, the guy who is handicapped wan? Well.... Frank said he used to serve lunch to that guy all the time.

3) Then the went to STANFORD for this Post Graduate studies................ danggggggggggg did Computer Science......

4) then he worked for Microsoft and helped write the programming for HYPHENS in the FIRST Microsoft PC and also worked on Word for the first Macs. 0_0

so yeah...... basically.

But what i think is very interesting about Frank is that.... well.... He's still very "young" in many ways........ If he's really just 5 years younger than my dad....... lemme say this is that, you know, my dad is a hundred folds more jaded than Frank is. It's like, if Frank is like 45-48 years old, he really DOES NOT act like that age group. Maybe it's cause he doesn't have a family, or like he's not a husband or a father you know... Because hearing him talk about life, he moves between Seattle and LA btw cause he has a house here and in Seattle, he's like my 35 year old aunt who's full of life, still thinking about doing different things, wanting to do different things... And the thing about Frank is that, he gets bored easily with things and with places. He can't stay in LA more than 3 weeks cause he gets bored. And we went to a club tonight after dinner and Santa Monica 3rd Street Promenade (sp), and he was the one who wanted to go a club.... And hearing him speak... it's like... he's a guy that wants to try new things, that is challenged to do something new, he just gets bored with old stuff. And seriously, that is totally sooooooo UNLIKE the mindset of other 45-48 year olds, you know.... and i guess that's what i appreciate about him.....

On the other hand.... my conclusion after tonight is that:

1) WE WILL ONLY JUST BE FRIENDS.
2) We will only hang out in THE VALLEY..... cause dude, did u see the traffic on the 405??? took us 1 1/2 hours to get to Santa Monica when it usually only takes 25 minutes.
3) I don't think he is romantically interested in me cause i think waht he did like about me and why he said to me "maybe we could go catch a concert together sometimes" is because he LOVESSSSSSSSSSS going for concerts... and THAT is another thing about him that i like because he is NOT afraid to do things that are maybe so called "meant" to be for the "younger" people.

So yeah........

I don't know.........

I don't know what to feel.

sometimes.... ima mada Paul ga suki desu.

I guess i'm just lonely.

so well... going out with the guy i met in the library tonite.... hope i'd have fun... gonna have "dinner" but dang, i ate alot today, like superbly alot alot... so not really hungry ne... i actually feel like shopping today more than going out you know.... I don't know... no?

ok i just skipped an AKFG song... i feel bad... it's not that i don't like that song.... heh, just that it's long song no?

so anyways, i am gonna go watch this TBS video before i leave cause TBS always makes me feel happy about life even if this won't mean a thing come tomorrow.

i wish i had a better looking body so i can sell it to fund myself through college and everything else that i want to do.

prostitution is the way to go.

yeap definitely.

you really hate days when you read shit like this:

DAD : since ALL my funds, including my retirement fund, will run out if he cannot complete on time
DAD : similarly, my original planning was for U to complete, by Spring 2005, after I realize U have lost those 20 transfer hours.
DAD : I can only allow U to pro-long your stay no later than summer 2, and this I can do, by using my 2005 travel allowance to fund your stay.
DAD : So, there is no way we (mum nor I) can be at your graduation, even if U can 'walk' in June.

I mean wtf study for then? wtf for?

damn it sucks i don't know japanese.

it's like watching AKFG, it's like you "know" all the songs you know... but you absolutely DON'T know them at all!!!!!!!!! it's like you can't sing to any of the songs!!!!!! damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!

anyways........ i really wanna see them live!!

i guess that's the shit thign abt liking bands from a different country... Like how i like Ash and Oasis and NFG and Finch and Blink.......... At least i saw 4/5 of those bands no?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH ASIAN KUNG FU GENERATIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

well...... Aya-chan just taught me a new phrase "ima mo suki desu".... "now too like" wooo....

"ima demo daisuki desu. ima mo kiiteru yo."

Now still like sooooooooooooooooooo much ;) Now too/always listen. =D

yeapppp dats what I would say to asian kung fu generation if i saw them cause dats the only thing i know how to say..... Aya-chan said she mite also say to Mr. Children ;)

but of course, i won't ever meet AKFG to say that and erm.... lets hope aya-chan would meet her Mr. Sakurai one day ^^

I never said i'd take life lying down.


Hello Elaine,

Happy birthday! Nice to hear from you. Sorry you are feeling a bit low. I just did myusual activities this weekend, internet (just got DSL)music and TV, some shopping, and bike ride forexercise. Did go to the tennis match at Stapleslast thursday. Anyway, I would be happy tohave dinner with you this Friday, if you aren'tflying off to Florida or something.. I'll give youa call later this week (by Thursday).

Take care, Frank L.


WELL....... HAPPY NOW????? I DID take the innitiative.... and IS trying to forget Paul tho this guy look abit like him only older........ like wayyyyyyyyyyyy older........

but ahhhhhhhhh who cares... time to have some fun.

but sigh.... Paul ga suki desu...

ok... apparently there's a probelm with this layout too.... anyways...... this is what ur suppose to see:


if ur not....... please tell me so i can try to see what i can fix. i dunno why some browsers jsut won't view it.

Anyways......... feeling kinda depressed....... wahts' new.......

anyways..... a nice picture a day keeps the blues away....... so here are some things right now that makes me happy thinking abt it.



and oh yeah....


Alrites....

i hope everything will go well tomorrow and the day after and for this whole week....

"don't hold your breath cause you only make things worse"

SO! since no one could see the previous blog properly except me, i've changed the layout again.... Asian Kung Fu Generation this time. wooooooooo... yeap... picture is of them, music playing is also them called "Kimi no Machi Made".... don't ask me what it means cause nihongo wa sukoshi sukoshi wakarimasu... I can only understand LITTLE LITTLE japanese.... I think i am suppose to know the meaning of Kimi and Machi by now but erm..... no.... But damn it's a great song.... I like all their songs actually. Especially their older ones. Those REALLY rocked.

Oh yeah.... I think that words at the side with the Kanji and stuff, it's Mirai no Kakera.... ALSO one of AKFG's song...... I think i like that song the best, and the next song i love is called Compass... I love Compass more in the Live version cause damn, they sound so energetic. And the only character i can read in those 5 things is "no" cause that's hiragana right????? Ouh... and i think Mirai no Kakera is translated as fragments of the future? I know that kakera means fragments/pieces? and no is the posessive particle right? and then mirai is future..... so i don't get why it's not future's fragment........ cause if ani no shigoto is Brother's job... then why isn't mirai no kakera = future's fragment? hmmmmmmmmmmm........... AS I SAID: Nihongo wa sukoshi sukoshi wakarimasu!!!!

anyways....... erm here's a link to a Asian Kung Fu Generation website with some soundbite!
http://home.arcor.de/a.k.g/ go to the media section and they even have Compass there: Rashinban it's called. AND THE SITE IS IN ENGLISH TOO!!!!!!!!! Eigo desu!!

anyways......... this was how the PREVIOUS layout was SUPPOSE to look like.


so anyways, will post more later.

???? ? ?????? ????? ?? ????????? ????????? ? ?? ? ?????? ??? ?? ???????????? ????????? ? ????? ? ?????? ??? ? ???? ? ??? ?????? ????

Dear Paul,

Why do i like him, why do i want him to call?
I like him cause well... he's cute, haha...
You know that's probably true that the reason why i want him is soly... i guess, you knowm i don't want it to be purely physical either. That i do wish he'd called me and ask me out cause he does want someone- or at least, need.
I just hate it cause i can never get the guy i want and some girls can just have all the cake cause they put on their make up right and say all the smart things that guys like to hear but do they really love you? No, they're just fucking around with you, that's all. But what about me? I don't say the right things, hells i don't even put on make yp- but what you see is what you get and i don't fake it just to "win" you- when i say something and as stupid and disadvanged it is to me, i say it because i do mean it and i don't want to play any game of coolness with you- but i guess that's what guys want- they want to play a stupid game-
well then fuck you. just go and swallow your fucking pride and die with it for being such a stupid fuck. that's my take. so fuck off if you don't like me- but at least i am willing to give you what i really am inside.

I guess i am angry with God and hurt by Debby and really am angry at her too cause she can say to me "i don't have a problem with like those" when i told her about how i couldn't get Paul and i didn't know what to do and i need her to advice me.

i mean wtf. what does she have that i don't?

ohhhhh elaine, damn, you really want me to count ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the ways?????????

There i verbalized it.... i want paul so i can go home and spit in the face of every one who said i couldn't.. but i guess i couldn't.. and sometimes i wonder if it's my personality that paul didn't like or was it anything else cause you know, he really shouldn't have offered friendship when he didn't mean it. I want to think that he liked me at least physically and then he knew that we just wouldn't get along. i don't know.

that's what i want to believe to be the truth but i really don't know. i wish i could ask him so.

I wear this bracelet i bought that has the word engraved on it "believe".... Sometimes i wonder believe in what?

You know, being here in California itself it all a dream come true.... Till this point, of being here itself, this is a dream come true, that i can never deny. but unfortunately you know, i never dreamt beyond coming here of what i what i wanted to do with being here...

And these days it's just a perpetual regret that i never lived my opportunity better.

I feel like I'm living on a flatline everyday for the past few weeks. This whole semester has been a slow decline towards a consistent flatline of my life. There's no progress, no growth, in any part of my life at all... not in my studies, not personally, not spritually, not in relationships even with friends, i mean seriously......... this is what flatlines mean, this is the meaning of stagnant.... and it really is...

And i feel really shitty and helpless. And like why is nothing happening as much as i try to make things happen nothing does. i just hate that. i just want something to happen i guess.... I just want something to move...

It's like... it's me bitching again... but you know... back then, at least i still had a part of my life to be happy about. At least if i was lonely, i still had friends. Or at least if my future was uncertain, my grades were still kick ass... Or at least if I didn't have a boyfriend, i didn't give a damn because i still had so much more to be happy about.

BUT NOW.

Damn! I feel like crap all over. I wake up and seriously, i have nothing to look forward to... All i think about is *pop* Paul wuahahahahha... then shit Daily Sundail stupid news assignments damn... then..... oh crap not yet finish my Japanese homework... and then that's it........ I keep thinking about sundail for the rest of the day of what i have to do and what i have to get through.... and that is it. That's it. There is nothing else in life.

that just sucks.


anyways... that's the Pacific Coast Highway (highway 1) in Malibu looking towards the Santa Monica Pier.... if you can see in the far background the thing that is protruding into the sea, that's Santa Monica Pier. When Satoshi used to be here, he'd take us/me around there.... It's like a 10 minute drive down the PCH towards Santa Monica. It's really beautiful there cause it's cloudy and gloomy all the time. Malibu is not as hip as you think it is, but it has some serene beauty that i like. Anyway, Pacific Coast Highway is the highway that streches through almost the entire California coastline from San Diego to San Francisco, i think. So if you see those movies with really cool shots of the Pacific Ocean and some fancy car driving down a winding road, that's probably the PCH.

I'm feeling a little shitty today. dunno why. discontentment with life i guess. the part about life that i hate the most is when you can't do anything about it to change it. that's the shittiest... so yeah, i am a little pissed off abt those parts of life.

so anyways, here haido-san and his beautiful lovely wife, megumi-san..... and YES HAIDO AND MEGUMI, don't anyway dare to think anything otherwise............ i found MORE pics of him and another girl... that B@$tard! damn, i am emotional... actually nah, he's too cute...

a cute guy a day takes the blues away.


I hope all your browsers would load this page properly.

well aparently this design does not work with firefox and MACINTOSH...... and it's best viewed in 1260 or something browser window.... hmmmmmmmmmm

alright... sorry for the lack of updates....

so well... i wrote a whole long blog and it got wiped out.... so i guess it's not meant to be.... lemme summarize then........

1) New Layout
Well.... to reflect my mood... i guess... The picture is from the Sayonara scene from the anime Rurouni Kenshin or Samurai X. It's the part where STUUUUUPID Kenshin leaves Kaoru and hugs her and tell her that "thank you for giving me a life i was looking for..... Sayonara... I must return to wandering again" and fucking ABANDONS her there crying....
I never like Kenshin anime version but for this ONE SCENE, i actually rate it higher than the manga version. I didn't think this scene was as powerful and poignant in the manga as it was in the anime... and they did a really nice touch with the fireflies and the coloring in the anime.... Also, they actually animated Kaoru's tears VERY well in this scene as you see the droplets of her tears falls as Kenshin embraces her, and then when she falls to her knees as he walks away with his back turned to her and she tries to grab out but she's immobilized and all she is capable of doing is kneel down and cry............. awesome scene............ makes me wanna shoot Kenshin.

But anyways... yeah.... i thought this was a really nice pic... then i was color adjusting it and i got the version that i have on the blog now and i think it's cool cause you still see the outline of her face and especially her tear...

But i feel this way these days cause i dunno..... i feel like crying.... almost every day.... and i'm really sad most of the days when i am in my new room alone, and you know.... nothing in my life is growing.... i just feel so stagnated and i feel like crying but that's all i can do you know.... cry alone in my room but there's no one to listen.... and there's no one to save me from my tears....

So yeah.... that's why this pic too i guess... and just happened that this pic really reflects how i feel lately.... and it's a cool pic too... don't you think?

And well.... the song that's playing is called Soraai by Every Little Thing... Next to Ai no Uta, this is my favourite ELT song.......

But dun worry.... if you want the Hyde song that was on the blog before this.... WELL...... Just click on Haido's pic! (btw, the song is gonna be up only for a few weeks so grab it now cause i don't wanna kill my website's bandwidth and webspace)



Ok... i am gonan blog more later about Paul and the Sundial (the school's paper i am writing for).... Paul cause erm... heh, well.... i saw him again at a party.... and well.... yeah... fuck my stupid weakling heart. and FUCK, why must he be sooooooooo damn cute that day!!! CRAPPPPPPPPPPPP!!! and why sundial...... well cause i've been really dissapointed with them.....

Anyways! since haido's pic is up.... Paul parts are gonna be too.... cause lemme tell u something first.... *teaser*.... when i saw him on Saturday...... damnnn part of me wants to say that he was actually cuter than Hyde.... in SOME pics.... seriously.... He was....... damn! *there goes my heartttttt*

Dear All,

Thank you very much for all your kind words... touched my heart to know that people care about what happens to me...

I am ok now... physically.... i still dare to go for concerts (tho i have not been to any yet) but i think i am a little more paranoid these days. I have moved house to another house and a bigger room. my dad came over to take care of me for awhile... =)

Otherwise... i guess i am okay. i mean... stirred but not too shaken u know... And i still don't really sit down and ponder what happened cause i think it'd be too scary if i did that.

and as they say u know... life DOES go on and the sun still rises even if you don't really move as fast as life around you does.

I hope i will still be me... still as loud, still as anxious, still as desperate.... maybe still less cautious... but I don't know... i guess i just feel even lonelier these days....

Anyway, thanks alot for all the nice comments. it really touch my heart to know that all of you care *biggest hugs and kisses*

lots of love,
Elaine

I'm back. i'm waiting for matt from TBS to call. I MISSED HIS CALL!!!! HE WAS SUPPOSE TO CALL AT 3pm!!! NOT 2:40!!! I AM IN CLASS!!!!!!

ahhhhh shitttttttttttttt!!!

ohhhh

shite... i feel baad now... TBS justcalled... hehehehhe matt called but i had to reschedule my interview cause Matt didn't have much time left and erm.... he's too tired.... I feel bad tho cause now i have to trouble victory records again.... sighhhhhh

oh well that's it from me.

no internet in the new house.... sooooooo

i am withering, i am dying

halloween party this weekend.... paul might be there....

sigh

so well.... sorry for the lack of update.... firstly..... one thing that happened the other day on monday morning is that i got attacked at home.... not "attacked" according to the police.

It's not something I want to really talk about i guess.... though people say that i should. But the thing is that i can talk about it and i can tell you what i felt at that moment but i probably can't really tell you how i feel now because i still don't quite know.

I think I got over the shock of it just maybe like two hours later. I was feeling "alright". Methodically told friends about it, methodically went to do what i needed to do.

I don't know..

Well i guess what happend was taht around like 2am i was going to get my clothes from the dryer... And so i went out of my room.... As i was walking down the hallway, i heard a click and i looked back and saw the empty room door which was suppose to be locked open. And i thought it was the pressure at first. But i knew for sure that it was locked cause Aya and I had tried to go in last week. First i thought it was a ghost. yeap i believe in those. then it actually did occur to me that it would be an intruder so i got scared and decided to go back to my room instead.
I was scared a little at that point and i went into my room but as i went into my room I decided to take a peak at into the empty room just abit. THe way my door opens up it that i faces the empty room door.
Just as i peaked into the room, i saw a guy emerge from behind the door. It was Sam the guy who used to steal stuff from us. And actually i got abit scared and thought i better get into the room ASAP... then i dunno why i instinctively said "what are you doing here?"

And then suddenly he just pounced/came towards me and i fuckign freaked out and tired to close the door but his hand caught me on and i screamed "HELP ME!!!!" and he paniced and grabbed by mouth but i managed to scream more.

You know to think about it.... my house mates and the cops think that he came into the house to get something.... but to think about it.... you know what? I'm really scared that i was actually his target.... Cause you know.... I asked him "what are you doing here?" and i got scared and the thought flashed through my mind 'elaine, he's gonna hurt you.' and i immiediately tried to close the door but that's when he pushed it open and came towards me and i fucking yelled out HELP ME!!!!!!! and then that's when he grabbed my mouth to try to shut me up and but he couldn't do it too well and i yelled even more. when he grabbed my mouth i tried to push him away and close the door but he pushed it opened even more and pushed me into the room but cause my room is fucking messy i couldn't get in that much anyway and i fell to the floor where he tried repeatedly to grab my mouth to shut me up and he tried to close the door behind us so no one would see us but i still screamed like hell. I think instintively when i fell to the floor i tried turning away from him so he couldn't put his hands around my mouth so i could shout even more.

I remember at this point when I got pushed to the floor and he tried to grab my mouth and he was grabbing my mouth and he was trying to close the door, the one thought that came to me was like "shit i can't believe it that this is gonna happen to me. the one thing that i just felt might just happen IS GOING TO HAPPEN." and i got into shock and i got really sad and shocked and all that all at once cause i was just like oh mannnn i'm gonna get raped or assulted who would have thought i mean it was always at the back of my head but i never thought it would really happen you know. But thank God I still could scream and i was really scared that i could not scream and i knew my housemates were in and i really hope they'd hear me. Then I guess he knew i screamed too much already so he got scared and fled.

And i guess that's what happened.... and the thing was that, i wasn't freaked out scared liek how i'm afraid of ghost. But i was shaking....

And i don't think it has hit me yet waht really happened and the thought of what might have happened. cause i mean, considering, i am damn calm and alright about it even now, you know what i mean.

And like maybe the caffine really helped that day cause i was drinking alot of coffee and i didn't know if i was feeling that shaking in my heart because of the caffine or because of the shock....

What i am fuckign scared now tho is that i sometiems feel that he might have came in to harm me and not to rob the house.

Because the thing is that... he could have kept hiding in the room till i went back into my room and i would have never seen him.
And the other thing is that, why did he have to grab me? it wasn't provoked. I mean, i wouldn't have done anything to him anyway. I'd just have gone back into my room. Why couldn't he just let me do that? why did he have to grab me?

And you know, i guess i really don't want to think about what might have happened if he really did manage to push me into the room and shit, if my room WAS clean (which it should be actually) and i didn't have like a mountain high of shit piled in front of my door, what would have had happened you know. I don't know and i am too scared i think to think about it.

I guess I do live in Los Angeles after all, huh?

I don't know... in a way, i think i'm a little changed after that. As small as it was.... cause i don't know why, i just can't be unfased about this.... Usually if soemthing shitty happens, i usually in the end get really angry or apathetical about it like 'oh well whatever nevermind'... for the past two days, i just can't seem to say that anymore... I jsut can't seem to say 'oh well whatever, nevermind'... everything i do say 'oh well' or like even accept it as a fact of life that it shit happens..... i feel like i am lying to myself for belittling the incident... i just feel that it's not something i just can say 'oh well' or 'fuck it' as i usually would have.... i don't think i can for this one..... and i just don't know how to find my strength from this... and all i can do is to be normal, go out and do normal thigns like my reporting, and laugh like i always do which i do.... but i guess if you can say... deep inside, i'm still in shock and i've not really come to terms with what had happened.

You know the shit thing was that, i actually once had a dream or a thought that something like this would happen. I had a dream that while i was showering, two of my ex housemate's friends(the black guys from last time) would come in and grab me in the shower.
And just last week i just kept feeling like this guy Sam was going to break into the house and i was even wondering to myself if the doors and windows were secured enough to keep him out. Cause the thing is taht for a few weeks I've been hearing someone running in the backyard or like someone trying to open the side doors.

And i guess that's why i'm quite u know... to think that it actually DID happen though nothing absolutely terrible happened. Isn't that shit?

And the shit thing is that i feel soooo damn tired yesterday and today cause i hadn't slept much and all i want to do is go home but i can't cause i need to wait for a friend and i want to sleep at home but i can't cause i can't go anywhere alone...

You know to tell you the truth, i am scared of walking alone at night like even on campus, cause he probably is around here. or anywhere else.

and the shit thing is taht, i AM a very carefree person, Paul is right, i am fucking laidback person. but that's the shit, after this, i jsut feel an inability to rest u know. i think my heart still have a constant anxiousness it in lately... like it'll beat faster and fuck it's not because of Paul or KEITH or whatever... it's just scared. or something. or i don;t know maybe just nervous.

and that's jsut fucked up cause i am a carefree person and i liek being that way....

Anyway, Asian Kung Fu Generation rocks... i am in love with the singer, he's so fucking cool (in this live clip) ohhhhhh fuck!!! my hard drive is fucking dead i have to redownload that stupid torrent of thier live show...... oh man that jsut sucks. ALRIGHT! the torrent is STILL alive... gonan grab it tonite when i go back "home" fuck new apartment i haev to go apply for stupid cable and all taht on my own again...... *sigh*

u know it DOES suck i lost like 7gigs of information because my external drive is dead. DAMN make that 20 gigs!!!! cause i had 160 gigs and damni was down to 130 gigs....... OH FUCKING HEART BROKEN. WTF!!!