so well.... sorry for the lack of update.... firstly..... one thing that happened the other day on monday morning is that i got attacked at home.... not "attacked" according to the police.
It's not something I want to really talk about i guess.... though people say that i should. But the thing is that i can talk about it and i can tell you what i felt at that moment but i probably can't really tell you how i feel now because i still don't quite know.
I think I got over the shock of it just maybe like two hours later. I was feeling "alright". Methodically told friends about it, methodically went to do what i needed to do.
I don't know..
Well i guess what happend was taht around like 2am i was going to get my clothes from the dryer... And so i went out of my room.... As i was walking down the hallway, i heard a click and i looked back and saw the empty room door which was suppose to be locked open. And i thought it was the pressure at first. But i knew for sure that it was locked cause Aya and I had tried to go in last week. First i thought it was a ghost. yeap i believe in those. then it actually did occur to me that it would be an intruder so i got scared and decided to go back to my room instead.
I was scared a little at that point and i went into my room but as i went into my room I decided to take a peak at into the empty room just abit. THe way my door opens up it that i faces the empty room door.
Just as i peaked into the room, i saw a guy emerge from behind the door. It was Sam the guy who used to steal stuff from us. And actually i got abit scared and thought i better get into the room ASAP... then i dunno why i instinctively said "what are you doing here?"
And then suddenly he just pounced/came towards me and i fuckign freaked out and tired to close the door but his hand caught me on and i screamed "HELP ME!!!!" and he paniced and grabbed by mouth but i managed to scream more.
You know to think about it.... my house mates and the cops think that he came into the house to get something.... but to think about it.... you know what? I'm really scared that i was actually his target.... Cause you know.... I asked him "what are you doing here?" and i got scared and the thought flashed through my mind 'elaine, he's gonna hurt you.' and i immiediately tried to close the door but that's when he pushed it open and came towards me and i fucking yelled out HELP ME!!!!!!! and then that's when he grabbed my mouth to try to shut me up and but he couldn't do it too well and i yelled even more. when he grabbed my mouth i tried to push him away and close the door but he pushed it opened even more and pushed me into the room but cause my room is fucking messy i couldn't get in that much anyway and i fell to the floor where he tried repeatedly to grab my mouth to shut me up and he tried to close the door behind us so no one would see us but i still screamed like hell. I think instintively when i fell to the floor i tried turning away from him so he couldn't put his hands around my mouth so i could shout even more.
I remember at this point when I got pushed to the floor and he tried to grab my mouth and he was grabbing my mouth and he was trying to close the door, the one thought that came to me was like "shit i can't believe it that this is gonna happen to me. the one thing that i just felt might just happen IS GOING TO HAPPEN." and i got into shock and i got really sad and shocked and all that all at once cause i was just like oh mannnn i'm gonna get raped or assulted who would have thought i mean it was always at the back of my head but i never thought it would really happen you know. But thank God I still could scream and i was really scared that i could not scream and i knew my housemates were in and i really hope they'd hear me. Then I guess he knew i screamed too much already so he got scared and fled.
And i guess that's what happened.... and the thing was that, i wasn't freaked out scared liek how i'm afraid of ghost. But i was shaking....
And i don't think it has hit me yet waht really happened and the thought of what might have happened. cause i mean, considering, i am damn calm and alright about it even now, you know what i mean.
And like maybe the caffine really helped that day cause i was drinking alot of coffee and i didn't know if i was feeling that shaking in my heart because of the caffine or because of the shock....
What i am fuckign scared now tho is that i sometiems feel that he might have came in to harm me and not to rob the house.
Because the thing is that... he could have kept hiding in the room till i went back into my room and i would have never seen him.
And the other thing is that, why did he have to grab me? it wasn't provoked. I mean, i wouldn't have done anything to him anyway. I'd just have gone back into my room. Why couldn't he just let me do that? why did he have to grab me?
And you know, i guess i really don't want to think about what might have happened if he really did manage to push me into the room and shit, if my room WAS clean (which it should be actually) and i didn't have like a mountain high of shit piled in front of my door, what would have had happened you know. I don't know and i am too scared i think to think about it.
I guess I do live in Los Angeles after all, huh?
I don't know... in a way, i think i'm a little changed after that. As small as it was.... cause i don't know why, i just can't be unfased about this.... Usually if soemthing shitty happens, i usually in the end get really angry or apathetical about it like 'oh well whatever nevermind'... for the past two days, i just can't seem to say that anymore... I jsut can't seem to say 'oh well whatever, nevermind'... everything i do say 'oh well' or like even accept it as a fact of life that it shit happens..... i feel like i am lying to myself for belittling the incident... i just feel that it's not something i just can say 'oh well' or 'fuck it' as i usually would have.... i don't think i can for this one..... and i just don't know how to find my strength from this... and all i can do is to be normal, go out and do normal thigns like my reporting, and laugh like i always do which i do.... but i guess if you can say... deep inside, i'm still in shock and i've not really come to terms with what had happened.
You know the shit thing was that, i actually once had a dream or a thought that something like this would happen. I had a dream that while i was showering, two of my ex housemate's friends(the black guys from last time) would come in and grab me in the shower.
And just last week i just kept feeling like this guy Sam was going to break into the house and i was even wondering to myself if the doors and windows were secured enough to keep him out. Cause the thing is taht for a few weeks I've been hearing someone running in the backyard or like someone trying to open the side doors.
And i guess that's why i'm quite u know... to think that it actually DID happen though nothing absolutely terrible happened. Isn't that shit?
And the shit thing is that i feel soooo damn tired yesterday and today cause i hadn't slept much and all i want to do is go home but i can't cause i need to wait for a friend and i want to sleep at home but i can't cause i can't go anywhere alone...
You know to tell you the truth, i am scared of walking alone at night like even on campus, cause he probably is around here. or anywhere else.
and the shit thing is taht, i AM a very carefree person, Paul is right, i am fucking laidback person. but that's the shit, after this, i jsut feel an inability to rest u know. i think my heart still have a constant anxiousness it in lately... like it'll beat faster and fuck it's not because of Paul or KEITH or whatever... it's just scared. or something. or i don;t know maybe just nervous.
and that's jsut fucked up cause i am a carefree person and i liek being that way....
Anyway, Asian Kung Fu Generation rocks... i am in love with the singer, he's so fucking cool (in this live clip) ohhhhhh fuck!!! my hard drive is fucking dead i have to redownload that stupid torrent of thier live show...... oh man that jsut sucks. ALRIGHT! the torrent is STILL alive... gonan grab it tonite when i go back "home" fuck new apartment i haev to go apply for stupid cable and all taht on my own again...... *sigh*
u know it DOES suck i lost like 7gigs of information because my external drive is dead. DAMN make that 20 gigs!!!! cause i had 160 gigs and damni was down to 130 gigs....... OH FUCKING HEART BROKEN. WTF!!!
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
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