Wow. The new NOVEMBERS album needs digesting. And I think I mean that in a good way. It’s most definitely a huge break from their previous stuff. I’m definitely no music connoisseur, but it’s like a lesser version of NIN meets... wha? I mean this in a good way.
The album is titled Angels but the sounds conjure anything but. Unless said angel is a fallen one (￣▽￣)
It’s like a collection of distortion and noise, or- “what music can be birthed in this distortion and noise, let’s figure that out”.
And why’s Kobayashi still so angry? He has like a what? 4-year-old kid? Daughter at that! He should mellow down, haha ^^;
The titular track “Angels” has a bit of 70s Beatlesque British Rock going for it, and sans the distortions is totally NOT representative of the album’s overall sound.
Closing track “Everything” has a really 80s pop (?) feel.
I think most easily accessible tracks would be Angels, Everything and
Although, I think... I might actually prefer the other tracks because they’re more bold and they push the edge of noise that I think NOVEMBERS is trying to take with this album.
The mellower tracks skirt at the periphery, and contains elements from previous sounds. While safe, I feel they lack the guts to make them stand out in an album that screams noise and distortion to the nth degree.
Anyway, this is just the first listen. This album definitely isn’t easy listening. Will take time to process meanwhile.
So, I’ve read quite a few books about the Prescott Fire that killed 19 hotshot wildfire firefighters.
The first one I read was The Fire Line, by Fernanda Santos and the second one was Granite Mountain, by the only survivor of the crew Brendan McDonough.
The Fire Line was... quite factual. In terms of what happened at the fire line where the crew died. But I think 1/3 of the book was background and profile stories of some of the crew members, especially the superintendent Eric Marsh (whose decision, ultimately, led to the deaths of his crew). All were painted in good light, naturally.
Brendan’s book was, well, very personal. More like personal anecdotes I guess. All of the crew, of course, were described to be nothing but flawless and impeccable.
What these two books painted was a picture of Eric Marsh that was beyond reproach. He sounded like a good man, a person who invested in others, who believed in his crew and all-around a great firefighter and leader.
Then came On The Burning Edge.
I wasn’t gonna buy and read another granite mountain book because really, there’s no conclusion to why the men died. In the end, it’s been concluded that it would be never understood why the men left the safety of black (burnt out area) to go into a box canyon where they ultimately died because there are no living survivors. So there really was no point reading another book.
But, I had a long two-day weekend haha and needed to kill time coz I didn’t want to think about Hoshino, so i decided to buy the book.
On the Burning Edge is turning out to be quite different from the other two books.
I’ve not finished it yet but it is telling a lot more untold stories of the crew leading up to the deadly fire.
I think what I found interesting about it was its focus more on the temporary superintendent, Stead, and not on Marsh.
It’s very interesting to see how the book talked about Stead’s style of management as opposed to Marsh and also the fact that was not revealed in the other two books that it was Stead that had been leading the crew more in the months leading to the deadly fire.
I think this is significant because basically the crux of the incident and the unresolved question that led to the deaths of the crew was basically what happened between Marsh and Stead.
Basically, before the entrapment, Stead and the crew were safe in the black, while Marsh was scouting.
It still remains a mystery why the crew ended up in the box canyon where they died and also, no one else fighting the fire even knew where Granite Mountain was.
It’s been debated and there has been no conclusion what happened between Stead, whom the crew was with and Marsh, and what happened between the both of them that led to the crew following Marsh’s command to get out of the black and into the deadly box canyon.
So, this book On the Burning Edge, was actually really good in illustrating the difference in leadership style between Marsh and Stead. It’s also really interesting that this book brought to light that the new rookies were basically more used to working with Stead than with Marsh.
On top of that, I had no idea that, actually, the deadly Yarnell Fire where the crew died was actually Marsh first fire with the crew for that season.
The other two books totally didn’t show that Marsh was completely absent from the crew that whole season, so basically, the current crew was actually more accustomed to working with Stead, not Marsh.
I think this is a very crucial piece of information in order to understand objectively the dynamics that might have doomed the crew.
Today I was thinking about things and I felt God absent, distant, forsaking.
It’s probably because I myself who’s been neglecting God but I felt God so silent and just so not at all present the past few weeks in terms of the whole thing with Hoshino.
I wasn’t even praying for anything but I’ve just been asking for help from God for things to be better between Hoshino and I... but things just kept falling further down and down and kept getting worse like there was just no rock bottom to how bad it can get.
And I felt God was so completely absent in this because it was like He was completely not there, not hearing at all all my pleas for help.
The whole thing with Hoshino has just been eating me up for so many weeks and yet even though I asked God please help, please just let things be okay, He was just silent.
And this morning thinking about the whole thing, I just felt God’s complete absence.
So there’s that part.
And then there’s the Hoshino part.
After calling him TWICE yesterday and both times he didn’t even pick up my call, it was really over, you know?
And this morning I woke up feeling even shittier than I did last Monday after my crying and running away from Hoshino and Utsunomiya on Sunday.
Coz... his not picking up my calls and he didn’t even return my calls means that he really wants nothing to do with me now. It really means I had truly fucked up and fucked yo for real this time. Because the ball is in his court and he’s not playing. It’s like whether his “anger” towards me was perceived only by my paranoia and securities, by him not responding to my call NOW, now that I made the first move for a peace offering, really meant that he didn’t want to talk to me at all anymore, at least for the time being.
And I felt so wrecked today more than I was last week because this time, it was absolute.
And so, in my wretched state, I could do nothing more than just cry to God, to beg God. And I prayed for God to grant me the desire of my heart. For God to help make right all the wrongs I’ve made. I prayed for the desire of my heart, not for Hoshino, but just for Hoshino and I to be like we were before. I begged God to fix what I had broken.
And while I was praying I was thinking about how we should pray with expectation that it has already been given. I didn’t quite know if I believed that.
But I begged God anyhow for help. For help. For help. For the desire of my heart- right or wrong. For His help. Because there’s no other Help that can make any difference.
But I begged Him, with the same desperation I always do.
Although I’m not sure if I was begging for something different.
And then a few hours later, Hoshino called back.
I decided to not bring up anything from last week since I didn’t want things to be bad again. So I just pretended to be my usual cheerful self, completely pretend like nothing last week happened, and just asked him out again.
Anyway, conversation went okay. He was a bit taken aback that I had still asked him out and he did feel reluctant to go out (well after the emotional garbage I threw at him, I shouldn’t blame him for being reluctant!). But we got talking and he seemed okay and we ended on an okay, peaceful note.
So it means I can still listen to silaph’s songs 10 years for now and not have to regret shit.
So that said.
God.
I don’t think God answered my prayers positively just to answer.
He’s ALWAYS answering, just not the way I want him to.
And His answering negatively to my always begging for help made me just feel God was absent and distant and aloof, not even there.
But I don’t think God is good just because He answered the way I asked, God is good all the time regardless of whether we got what we prayed for.
But I think God answered positively this time as an assurance that He is there. He’s always been there and he’s still here and he’ll always be here.
It’s just my own lack of perception and understanding and also my own distance and abandonment of God that made me feel His void.
So I think God wanted to remind me that He’s here, and He does care, and He does hear.
So, thank You, Lord, even though the failure has always been mine, not yours and never yours.
Help me to see, Lord. To see your presence in the my perception of the absence of your response to my desires. Help me, Lord. Help me to understand your help when your help is not what I think is help for me.
I think... I feel like I’m like Peter who suddenly falls into the water and almost drowns and calling out to Jesus, Lord! Save me!
So it seems that Charlotte and Tim were in Australia at the same time during New Year’s and Tim’s birthday this year.
Tim posted it first and Charlotte reposted it. It’s cute he replied haha.
It seems nice he was in Australia for the New Years when Charlotte was there too. And met up with her the day after his birthday too!
Ash’s tour to Australia was back in November.
So it seems like he espressedly went back Australia just for a few days for the New Years.... while Charlotte was there ;)
Heh.
I mean, it’d also mean they’re communicating outside of work, right? Coz there’s nothing Charlotte-Ash going on now, but he knew she was in Australia and even made plans to shack meet up.
Ahh....
In the Gilovny world, these kind of coincidences would have send a atomic sized shockwave through fandom and be taken as absolute proof that Gillian and David are indeed.. a married couple.
I mean seriously. Fans would go crazy. My tumblr would explode. (￣▽￣)
Anyway, seems like Charlotte posts only once a year about Ash and Tim, and Tim only twice in his 4 years of IG.
I think Charlotte was in LA recording and Tim........... came over from New York to hang out...? Hmmmm!
Anyway.. it’s cute that after being booted out they still hang out after all these years.
Anyway one last pic! This is what Ash is to me.
Family indeed.
I guess the Dads are Tim and Rick hahaha..
—————
Note: Tim was in Australia in January because his current beau is Australian. She’s hoooooot!
We’re still here on Ash, albeit not Charlotte and Tim this time.
I wish I had kept all my CDs properly, but I remember I religiously bought ALL of their single for Free All Angels and I mean every single one, all DVD versions too because I wanted the bonus videos on them!!
I even somehow (and I have no idea how!) managed to even get my hands on the Warmer Than Fire CD-ROM version.. that’s not even an actual single!
And I remember I even found Petrol’s single in some joke-in-the wall records store on Jalan Imbi. It’s crazy!
I mean these were almost pre-internet days!
Ahh.... sweet obsession.
Anyway, but I think coz of that, it’s strange but a lot of my favorite Ash songs aren’t actually A-sides.
It’s kinda like for Oasis too.
But anyway, I guess, to commit them to memory here coz I’ll probably forget in a couple of years haha..
In no particular order:
Goldfinger
Oh Yeah
A Life Less Ordinary
Petrol
Coasting
Little Pond
Warmer than Fire
Stormy Waters (this song fucking kick ass it’s so sad that no one cares for it!!)
Folk Song
Angel Interceptor
Innocent Smile
T-Rex
Jack Names the Planets
Uncle Pat
Halloween
What Deaner was talking about
Everywhere is all around
Hmmm list is getting long. Let’s go by album ^^;
Uncle Pat
Petrol
Jack Names the Planets
......... all tracks? because seriously... IT WAS A FLAWLESS ALBUM.
Wild Surf
Burn Out
Folk Song
I’m Gonna Fall
Sometimes
Walking Barefoot
Shining Light
Hmmmm... of course I also like the major singles like Girl From Mars and Sometimes and Walking Barefoot and all that too.
I guess some of them are not so fair coz I was religiously listening to singles like ALLO, so songs like What Deaner, Halloween, Where is our love going, all get pushed up too haha...
But anyway, Ash was a really really great band yo!!!!!!
So... listening to Ash today, I suddenly remembered that there was another pair that I totally totally shipped, and that’s Tim and Charlotte.
They used to look so cute together and all those suggestive overtones that they totally played into was seriously fun to see.
It’s really such a shame they booted her out of the band the way they did considering that by that time, Charlotte had been in Ash much longer than the boys had been a 3-piece band.
That said, it’s nice to read that Tim still admires Charlotte’s work and her as a guitarist and soloists.
I think this was quite sweet that.. when asked about his entire Ash career being the fondest, he brings up Charlotte :)
Welllllllll Tim, that’s coz she was part of the band for a decade!!! Which is probably like 1/3-2/3 of Ash’s entire existence!
And it’s also sweet that he actually knows so much about her solo stuff.... (I’m looking at you Gillian and David who don’t even watch each other’s shows!). I guess... he really really does love her songwriting.
Still sucks she got booted out the way she was.
Anyway, I’m sad I lost all my Tim and Charlotte pics but it’s also wonderful to be able to unearth an old one which I love which is a superrrrrrr short clip in Warmer than Fire.
(It’s only SEVEN frames! But so cute ^^)
There actually another cuter clip from the warmer than Fire outtake where Charlotte rests her chin on Tim’s shoulder but..... obviously I don’t have that clip anymore!!! (T_T)
Anyway... of course there isn’t much old Ash stuff online anymore so it’s really tough if not impossible to find stuff of Charlotte and Tim. Sad sad.
Butttttt I did find out that they sort-of released Jed’s highly anticipated Ash slasher movie featuring THIS:
Hahahha.. THEY KNEW what some fans were TOTALLY gossiping about!!
So we have it!
I love how Tim winks at Chaz and they smile suggestively! Haha
FINALLY!!!! Lol
Anyway... it’s sad they never ended up together.. IN REAL LIFE!!!
But sex or not aside, I think it’s not the SLASHED movie that I felt was closest to “consummation” and “intensely sexy” and “ultimate fuck”, I think it’s actually the tenderness and the intensity, the crescendo and climax of Tim and Charlotte when they played Only in Dreams.
MUST WATCH, and tell me this doesn’t rival any passionate love making if not even more!!!
Anyway... here’s to the girl that at 17,18.. so impressed Tim so much with her guitar that he chose HER and plucked her out of nowhere to be part of his band, regardless of what she was, I think Tim from the very beginning admired and respected Charlotte immensely as a musician.
The picture that started it all, Charlotte! Her first proper introduction to the world as part of Ash.
(Why was she sticking so close to Tim??? Haha =P )
So, I decided to learn Arabic again this time. To fucking forget Hoshino that’s what.
I’ve always... thought of learning Arabic, since teaching at ELS and also the whole thing with you-know-who years ago. When he introduced me to Arabic music or when the students would speak arabic, I always felt it was a cool language to learn. So I’ve always wanted to learn it.
But...... ARABIC IS ONE OF THE MOST DIFFICULT LANGUAGE IN THE WORLD.
One can understand why this is an ancient language!
But anyway, I’ve always tried to learn it but you know pronunciation and even the characters alone are a killer, let’s not even get into grammar just yet.
Anyway, this time, I re-tired the app Tengu Lingo. It’s an app I used for Japanese actually! But I tried it again and for some reason, it was very methodical and effective!
So in two days, I was FINALLY able to remember the Arabic alphabets and it’s four forms (independent - initial - middle - final)!!
(These were super hard to remember coz they look so similar and confusing among many others that are equally confusing due to similarities)
And to practice reading and to aid in remembering the alphabets, I’m trying to read and transcribe!
(I copied the romanization off a website to practice transcribing it to Arabic. The sentence mean “are you a doctor?”- I chose it for Mohammed who helped/is helping me with this. He’s a doctor. Unfortunately, I chose the plural form of doctor “aTibba” instead of the singular “Tabiib”. Oh well........)
So anyway, my goal is to try to write the months and also days. After that, I’ll do other words.
Of course... after Japanese, I have no such hope or ambition to learn Arabic as a language. I think it’s just waaaaaaaay too difficult and complicated to learn it, grammar and pronunciation.
But anyway, it’s fun!
It’s like a puzzle trying to transcribe the words from romanization to Arabic or to read the Arabic script.
It’s been quite awhile since we last went out for the first time again last year and even longer since we last hung out so much, not since THAT DAY, when I sent him THAT email that destroyed everything... which was basically 5 years ago.
He suggested going out of town on Saturday but it was snowing. Then, we didn’t get a hold of each other till Sunday morning, and since it was too late to get out of town, we decided to just go to Oedo Onsen in Odaiba.
So we met for lunch in Odaiba, went to the hot spring and then we went back to his place and I stayed over.
We talked a lot and we also talked about his family.
I think a lot has happened, and I also think some things are still the same.
That said...
We were watching on TV, a reality tv show kind of program about a former pro-wrestler who married a B-list celebrity blogger who has 7 kids and now he has 8 with a 9th coming along.
THE SHOW WAS TOOOO REAL.
But... watching the show, it made me think of Hoshino.
Coz the wrestler was now a bus driver and he works till really late. He comes home around 10pm or midnight and he would eat dinner then.
It made me feel bad for Hoshino too because... I think that’s what his life is too sometimes. And I’m sure he must be tired.
I had texted Hoshino that day to tell him I’m going to see him for ORPICA on the 24th but he hadn’t even replied during his lunch break.
I thought I could text him coz I was going to be with Aki, so I’m sufficiently distracted from being sad if he didn’t reply.
But I was NOT distracted and felt so sad when he didn’t reply by 5pm.
And then when he texted back at 9:20, it was a lackluster reply which I was disappointed by too.
But watching that TV show made me feel bad for him.
I felt, I should show him some support, I should acknowledge his tiredness, I should show him maybe I understand and care.
So I decided to text him and tell him Otsukare.
He responded quite cheerfully which I felt happy by too.
Sigh. I’m so simple.
So... that said, fortunately or unfortunately.... I still love hanging out with Aki coz he’s always up for going somewhere and doing things I like to do too (like going on trips), so I really appreciate him.
But that said, fortunately or actually more unfortunately, it seems like I do still have feelings for Hoshino, and I don’t think that’s good.
I hope I can talk to him on the 24th, and I hope that if nothing is to come out of this, I’ll be able to sever my feelings for him then.
by the way, there’s so much x-files shit not coz I’m obsessed, perse, I’m just really depressed and heartbroken and disappointed, so it’s just a coping mechanism to be preoccupied with people who don’t exist instead of letting my thoughts dwelve into places i rather it not go.
Before we delve into details, I must say, in understanding David and Gillian’s relationship and maybe also in growing up a little more, I think I’ve come to appreciate the up and downs and the frustrations of the Mulder-Scully-Relationship. And while I still think SEVEN SEASONS, was waaaaaaaay toooooooo long to drag out their relationship, I do think that their wrought journey through the 9 seasons + 2, is actually incredibly realistic.
I think, instead of having the characters hook up from the get go (I’m looking at you season 1&2), which I think would’ve been the route that most TV series would’ve done, I think it’s actually quite realistic, while frustrating, of relationships between people.
(I mean... ok if we’re to believe that inspite of all the love-hate-love between David and Gillian and they’ve never once even slept with each other after 25 years, hell, I guess the 7 seasons that took their characters to hook up is not too far fetched!)
But that said, I think I’ve come to appreciate mulder and scully’s journey with each other more.
That it’s not all just about love, it’s also about fear, it’s about learning to trust, it’s about frustrations with each other, it’s about doubting the other, it’s about hating each other guts, but in spite of all that, to still follow the other, to be completely dependent on the other, and to love the other.
Intended or not (probably not) the X Files had evolved to become a story not of the pursuit of the truth but a story of them, of Mulder and Scully.
I still blame that on David and Gillian’s chemistry haha.
That X-Files would probably have played out completely differently had mulder and Scully been played by different actors!
So I first saw Chiteijin last July in Koriyama when I went to see Silaph for the Mirai Oto compilation relwsse. They were VERY VERY impressive back then, best of the lot (silaph doesn’t count), and I had wanted to get their CD but didn’t get to coz.... NO ONE was at their merch table... bleh.
Anyway, been wanting to check them out again.
They’re a very very intense band, their guitarist (in the middle) REAAAAALLLY shreds it on the guitar!!!, and their other guitarist and vocalists is slightly unhinged, and all around, I think they’re a quiet and misfit band- just the way I like my bands I guess =P , outcasts and intense.
Anyway, show was really good today! And I FINALLY got their CD.
Will definitely check them out again when they come to Tokyo next month.
So seems like every 3-5 years I keep coming back to this ship of all ship.
Yes. Mulder and Scully. Sort of. Ha!
They did a (FINAL OF ALL FINALS) Season 11 last year and it’s still there: Mulder and Scully.
But I guess I won’t delved into MSR this time, not yet, but rather David and Gillian.
Well...
One might say that the X-Files would’ve never been the X-Files had it not been Mulder and Scully and Mulder and Scully would not been Mulder and Scully if it wasn’t for David and Gillian. And I sincerely believe this. Had the characters been casted to a different pair, I think the X-Files wouldn’t have endeared and endured as long as it has. It definitely wouldn’t have gotten a reboot 25 years after the first ep.
Of course, I do think David and Gillian should just get it on and be together haha, I do ship them as much as Mulder and Scully, but... in my current cycle of being crazy about the X-Files again and this time, really digging deeper into the whole David-Gillian fiasco, I think I am definitely NOT a Gillovny- fans who TOTALLY believe they’re in a relationship.
In fact, dwelving more into it, I actually believe it’s the contrary.
Firstly, I DO think that their relationship has changed TREMENDOUSLY.
Look at that Kimmel clip! Does that look totally PLATONIC??? Not in the least!
Also, Gilovny fans are right, something probably did happen to them between 2013-2016, because if you watch a lot of the clips of them from this period, they are suspiciously and noticeably waaaaaaaaaaay closer than they had EVER been! In terms of being physically intimate, they’re definitely different. Even the BTS for TFX seasons 10 (2015) and Season 11 (2017), they’re really crazy close. It’s insane!
I don’t think it’s faked tho, for publicity, I think they’re just what they are when they’re with each other and that’s just what they’ve evolved to be at that point of their relationship.
Totally platonic friends kissing hello, on the lips, that is.
Anyway... I digress.
David it seems is dating a 25-year-old.
Gillian too is in a long-term relationship with a very accomplished producer.
And in that aspect, I totally diverge from Gilovny fans.
I DO think those fans are deluded.
I’m not sure what happened between Gillian and David or if it’s just age, but whatever it was, that was just what it was and it WAS.
I think Gillian and David are definitely past their point of hating each other and not being able to stand each other.
I think with time and age and distance and being reunited in work again, they probably found their common ground and they probably finally embraced the chemistry they’ve been cursed and blessed with- and I think that is why they had been so comfortable with each other.
That after all the bullshit fights, all the cant stand each other, all the spaces and silence between them, I think they probably understand their connection and how they have something special between them that is natural, that life and destiny had just dumped on them without their consent. And I think it’s finally acknowledging this connection, they’ve learned to embrace it and exploit it to their own enjoyment, and to the delight and chagrin of fans and haters.
I think... what I enjoy the most is really seeing them grow old together but seriously wtf, as much as they grow old, the connection of their souls is timeless.
It’s really just them and the world does not exist when they’re together. It’s true. When you watch the videos, sometimes it’s really like they forget that there’s a conference room full of people looking at them.
Thaaaaaaat said.
I think that’s all that there is to David and Gillian. That the relationship they have really is confined to that time, that moment, that space that they share when they’re together when their orbits happen to cross and the universe just fades and it’s just them and the timelessness of their eyes on each other and their whispers into each other’s ears. That their world, their relationship with each other, their chemistry for each other, and dare I say, their love for each other, really only exists when they’re with each other physically.
I think once out of that context, once their orbits start moving apart again, once the cameras stop rolling, once the comic con is over, once they get into their respective cars, once they go their separate ways, David and Gillian are completely different from each other.
I really don’t think they share much in common.
I really don’t think they have the same values, the same believes, and I really think who they are as individuals are as different as Mulder and Scully are to each other.
But unlike Mulder and Scully, I don’t think their differences bind them together. I don’t think their differences are complimentary to each other.
They’re just very very different people who want very different things.
So, it’s very unfortunate, that two people whom life has thrown together and seemingly bound their fates together with a chemistry that cannot be broken by time, their differences, and distance. Inspite of that, it counts for nothing, David and Gillian are just not meant to be because the forces that repels them are just greater than the forces that binds them.
So that’s all I have to say about Gillian and David.
It’s unfortunate but, their relationship just shows that chemistry and even fate count for nothing in the end, if two individuals are just as different and incompatible as incompatible can be.
That said, too.. I will always always always love seeing them together, because for that fraction of a moment when they touch, when they look and SMILE at each other like they’ve been in love with each other for lifetimes, when they whisper in each other’s ears and giggle like the world and no one else existed but the other, for those moments when it’s David and Gillian together,... it really does make me.. I want, I want so desperately to believe.
I want to believe indeed.
Haha.
———
I’ll do Mulder & Scully next time.
Coz...... it’s a different ship!............. right...?
