I'm not sure if it's sad, but there's a loss that lingers in my heart that wishes he was still alive, that wishes he wasn't dead.
I was walking to the studio yesterday and passed the florist by the corner and they had a really pretty flower there. Seeing the flowers made me think of Isshikisan and how I wish we was still alive to see flowers like this still.
And today I was at polly and Art-School's show at FEVER.
I managed to get a spot in the first row on stage right and it made me think of Isshikisan because FEVER was the last place he had ever played a guitar live, in Tsubaki's last anniversary show on the night of December 10th and the morning of December 11th. He chose to end with Hikari.
And I remember this spot was probably the exact spot that I stood that December when I saw Isshikisan packed up his guitar after the show. And I always wondered to myself how he felt that moment knowing this was probably the last time he'd ever pack it up. That morning, Uraino guy who was DJing was joking around A LOT and just making a huge party at 4am, and I remember while Isshikisan packed, he was looking at the Uraino guy who was at the drink bar, and Isshikisan was smiling.
They coaxed him (Isshikisan) to sing along this song but Isshikisan was a little reluctant at first but after more teasing, Isshikisan pulled out his phone and pulled up the lyrics and sang to the song passionately albeit jokingly. Haha.
So today, standing there, at that very same spot, with those very same blue lights that illuminates FEVER stage, I thought of Isshikisan that night, having fun, smiling, and being alive.
But now he's gone.
And he'll never return to that stage.
He won't ever play the guitar again.
And he'll never sing again.
Standing there tonight, I thought of Okamotosan's farewell message about her friend, her band mate, her husband Isshiki, "he's reunited with his parents and he can finally play his beloved guitar once again".
I want to think of that.
And his smile.
And his happiness.
Like that night on stage.
But I couldn't help but wish, I wish so hard, he was not dead. That he could still be here to be here with us tonight.
So he could smile.
So he could sing
So he could play his beloved guitar once again like he did that night when he was still alive.
I wish so hard that someone like him could still exist and be alive in the world today. I wish he were still living somewhere in this world healthy and happy with Okamotosan even though we can never see him again. I just wish so hard he hadn't died. I just wish so much he was still around somewhere. I just wish so hard he didn't meet the end that he did. It's not fair to him, to Okamotosan, to everyone who loved him, it's not fair to him that he had to die, that he can't live. He's not alive.
The world is indeed less of a wonderful guy like Isshiki.
And so I cried again tonight watching Polly as they played.
Because he's dead.
Because he will never be here with us again.
Because he can't and will never be here on this stage again.
The stage is empty now.
The stage is without you now.
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